Is there ever a good reason to get blindingly drunk?

[dean_actually]

Dean sits down at his kitchen table, it's late at night and very quiet. He picks up a notepad and a pencil and starts scribbling on it. He brought the phone with him, the extension tangled near his feet. There's an half-empty glass in front of him, a bottle of scotch, and a business card waiting near the phone. He jots down a list...St. Patrick's

Comments

[curtwildmuse]

Your brother getting married.

Christ. *shivers at the idea and goes to get drunk again*

[curtwildmuse]

No. Well--no. I don't know. I don't think so. *looks into his glass a long time before taking a deep sip* I haven't heard from him...he left home before I did. He kinda disappeared. So--yeah maybe. He could be dead. *opens his mouth to say That'd be better than him being married, but realizes this guy probably wouldn't be too cool with the idea of Curt's relationship to his brother*

[dean_actually]

Fuck. I'm sorry, man. If my brother disappeared...I think I'd go mad. Not knowing, I mean. It'd drive me crazy, totally nuts.

We are very close. Very close. I miss him like mad. We used to do everthing together, you know? He's a year younger than me, but ...hell, he was the one with all the crazy ideas.

We talk on the phone, now and then, but...he sort of like has no much time for me, now.

It's like missing a leg, or an arm, sometimes...how about you?

[curtwildmuse]

*looks away, wondering if it would be better or worse if his brother made occasional phone calls; when he talks, his voice is low and even, almost monotonous* It's like missing the best and worst part of me--*looks at Dean steadily, and then downs his drink all at once*

[dean_actually]

The best and the worst...how come?

*he refills his drink and Curt's*

I mean, between the two of us, my brother is certainly the best. He doesn't fuck up like I do, though I was much better when we were together. Sometimes we fought, but...

Did you two fight? Is that why you lost touch?

[curtwildmuse]

He left the house. He got out. *shakes his head* I went out and started a band, and I think my mom got to him before I could reach him and really tell him how I felt. She hated us. She hated how much I loved him and she hated that he might love me back, and-- *grits his teeth and drinks again, shuddering and tossing his hair back* It's a long, fucked-up story, right. I don't know if you really want to hear about it.

[dean_actually]

*Dean takes his time to answer, pouring some more for himself and for Curt*

Hey, I...I love my brother too. A lot. Only, I never...I mean...you grow up together and you fool around like all kids do, then you grow up some more, in more ways than one but sometimes, I don't know, it can get confusing. It's been confusing, for me. For a while now.
I mean, we're brothers and we love each other and I feel guilty for...sometimes I think I came here to get away from him. He got married, I told you. Fucking broke my heart, in a way.

Yeah, I'm all ears. Tell me your story, I've got the time, and the drinks. *lifts another bottle up*

ooc:wanted to say I'm fangirling your 'Curt and cutting' scene like crazy!

[curtwildmuse]

*hesitantly* My brother and I have a relationship a little different than that. I was a kid when he started coming on to me. I don't remember how old. I don't think it matters. I don't remember a time when we weren't... you know. *laughs bitterly* Really fucking close. *shakes his head once and knocks back a good portion of his drink again*

replying to this (see below)

[dean_actually]

*hesitantly* My brother and I have a relationship a little different than that. I was a kid when he started coming on to me. I don't remember how old. I don't think it matters. I don't remember a time when we weren't... you know. *laughs bitterly* Really fucking close. *shakes his head once and knocks back a good portion of his drink again*"Fuck," Dean murmurs, looking at Curt. "That's really...that must be really hard. Really...something

Re: replying to this (see below)

[curtwildmuse]

Curt gives Dean a shrewd look; he suspected Dean had more stuff going on in the background with his brother than he was letting on.

"My brother's about six years older than me," Curt mumbles, shaking a cigarette out of the pack. "And if he loved me..." Curt manages to get a fag lit and blows smoke toward the ceiling, "he never said anything." He leans forward in his chair, forearms on the table. Gesturing with his cigarette, he adds in that low, reverent voice he saves for his brother, "I'm not sure mine knew what it meant."

Re: replying to this (see below)

[dean_actually]

Looking at Curt, Dean can see a young man with a wild look in his eyes and a soft, soft voice. "But you did. You loved him." Not exactly a question, but not just a comment either.

And it doesn't seem right at all, that all those feelings are being kept hidden or abandoned somewhere. "You knew, didn't you?"

What brtoeht would do that to his own blood? "Six years older..."Dean mutters under his breath, pouring more in his glass and in Curt's as well.

Re: replying to this (see below)

[curtwildmuse]

Reverent or not, Curt is still bitter and wry. "I still love him." Saying that out loud breaks something loose in Curt, but there's a wealth of information he's not sharing, and he's always hidden well. His eyes are bright and angry, full of secrets. He smokes, nodding his head in short jerks and then adds, "I hate him, too. I always did." And that admission breaks something else loose, and suddenly he needs to be talking about anything other than him. "Your brother. Does he know? How you feel, I mean."

Re: replying to this (see below)

[dean_actually]

Dean hasn't been much himself lately and he's not particularly happy with how he has been behaving, and he knows he's all wrapped up in himself and what he wants, but still...it's difficult not to look in Curt's eyes, listen to his words and not see the heartbreaking soul-shattering living hell he is in.

Or that's what Dean feels about him and he might be wrong as he has been so many times lately, but he may be right. And it is only fair that if Curt asks, Dean'll answer him. Even if what he really feels like doing is being someone else, stronger, and wrap Curt up in a blanket and hold him while he sleeps and give sweet, peaceful dreams.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know what I feel, at that. I know what I want now, what I'm searching for, but ...I know I miss him like crazy, I know when he came home and told me he was getting married I went out and got so drunk I didn't find the way home for two days. Because he was leaving, leaving our place, leaving me...I hated him for that. For thinking that everything was fine, that we

Re: replying to this (see below)

[curtwildmuse]

"You should call him." Curt doesn't feel at all hypocritical; he crushes out what's left of his cigarette and has another deep sip of alcohol. "Just ask him."

[dean_actually]

"No," Dean shakes his head, pointing at Curt's cigarettes and silently asking for one. He has dropped his happy pills, a cig won't kill and tonight seems to be the night.

"No, I can't. What could I say? I am not sure if I wanted you to fuck me, so now I'm looking for other men to do that, and beat the shit out me in the meantime..." He shakes his head again.

"At least I know he's okay. Which is more than you can say...did you never tried? Finding him?"

[curtwildmuse]

Curt shakes a cigarette loose from the pack and hands it over. "I never tried. I dunno if I'm more afraid if he'd take me back or not."