imie_schweetzel: Forever; and One Day (2/2)
I met Changmin again at the same Japanese restaurant, but we were four this time, as Junsu joined us unannounced with his friend - a journalist named Park Yoochun. I was sort of wary by the presence of a stranger in our close knit clique, but Yoochun was all warm smiles and courteous words, that it was impossible to stay elusive from his charm. Junsu probably had fallen hard for this guy too, giving that he was laughing coyly and touching Mr. Park with translucent motives that smelled suspiciously of attention, desire and probably love. I smiled at them both, warm fire burling in the pit of my stomach as I missed my lover in our home.
All the time I was gazing at the two probable lovers, Changmin was staring at me from my side. He leaned in and whispered quietly beneath the noise of the restaurant, sentences strung out of concern and care for my being. I looked at him and patted his hand.
“I’m okay, Changmin-ah.”
“Sure?”
“Pretty sure.”
“Hyung.”
“Yes Min?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Do you miss her? Hyejin-noona I mean?”
It had been so long since anyone mentioned her name, and I admit I had struggled a little bit to put a face to that seemingly familiar name. Licking my dry lips when I finally succeeded, I shrugged at Changmin, not really answering his question. Junsu and Yoochun stopped talking upon hearing Changmin’s question, and now the three of them were looking at me as if I was a specimen under a lab’s microscope. Silence ensued after my reaction, as everyone waited in batted breaths.
Yoochun was the one who broke the uncomfortable quiet. He gestured for the waiter to come over and refilled our tea pot, almost empty between our four cups. Smiling in gratitude for his tact, I decided to steer our conversation away from the topic of Hyejin.
“Junsu, Changmin…I was thinking…if you have any free time on Saturday, I want to invite you guys to my new house…and meet my partner….my boyfriend.” I blushed suddenly, my cheeks heating as the confession tumbled out of my lips. Junsu’s eyes twinkled, and I swear I had seen Changmin sneered a bit, when they heard the word I had uttered.
“Finally admitting it, huh?”, Junsu said, small lips grinning. I rubbed the back of my neck, relieved and shy. They have always known who I prefer - and I was glad I finally came out of my shell.
“A friend. Tch. I knew it. So who is he?”, Changmin poked my side playfully. I saw Yoochun’s eyes crinkled by the turn of events at the table, the tightness of earlier exchange upturned into a start of a teasing fiesta.
“You guys probably don’t know him-“
“Hyung!”
“Just tell us, Yun! We might have known him! Don’t underestimate our networking!”
I laughed, amused by their excitement. Jaejoong’s face filled my mind, and my heart warmed, happy.
“His name is Kim Jaejoong. You’re right, you guys might have known him, he’s a photographer…and he used to model before.”
Junsu whistled, “Wohoo, a photographer and a model. He must be gorgeous!”
I smiled at Junsu and Changmin, but I caught Yoochun’s brows furrowed a little when I mentioned Jaejoong’s name. Immediately I regretted coming clean about it, because I knew Yoochun had a knowledge that would ruin something. Anything.
“I’m sorry for interrupting, but did you say Kim Jaejoong?” his question confirmed my suspicion. I grimaced inside.
“Umm, yes…why?” I did not really mean to ask that question, but by now Junsu and Changmin had slowed down and took interest, and it was the only plausible reply. I waited as the event turned again.
Just as suddenly, Yoochun’s eyes warmed, his smile returning into a full blown proud grin on his lips. Junsu relaxed and Changmin sipped his tea, but my heart was thumping nervously against my ribs, thump thump thump-
“I was just wondering if I could meet him, Yunho-shi. You said he’s a photographer, no? I think I’ve heard about his wonderful works, from galleries that I’ve written about before, and I’d love to meet the artiste in person. That’s…if you don’t mind.”
I could have said yes I do mind and no you are not meeting my lover, but there was something inside of me that told me to say otherwise because it felt good actually to know that someone beside me know Jaejoong. It made him real for me, not just a dream I created in my loneliness like I suspected him to be sometimes - being too perfect as he was. He was a real being who was known by others, and like every other moment when I thought about him, I felt pride flooding my senses, and I smiled to Park Yoochun, saying yes please do come over.
--
Jaejoong was always a bundle of surprises, and I was kept at the wake of my senses all the time because I could never really gauge what he wanted to do or what he wanted to say. Most of the time, he would shock me by revealing a hint of the many hidden sides of himself that I had never known before, and my life was the most exciting when I was with him. He was adorably cheeky when teased, tauntingly cocky when challenged, deathly cold when angered, flamingly hot when aroused, and comfortably warm when cuddled close to my heart. I still remember the different ways his eyes would look at me; but always fiery, deep, needy and with this pressuring intensity that I had never found in anyone else’s gaze. When he touched me, he would make sure that I feel it, even when I was deep in my sleep I could still feel him coaxing his touches into my senses, making me aware of his existence near me, beside me, around me. It was as if he wanted to remind me that I was his; and that even when I was drowsy with sleep and mindless dreams, he was there cradling me in my soul and I was still very much his.
But there were moments when I was scared by this lavish attention he gave me. I felt smothered by his love on those rare times. Every time I breathed, I inhaled him deep into my lungs and he pressed hard until it ached. I wanted him to always stay, but I also wanted more, of which I did not know what. There were truth in the ways we connected with each other in kisses and touches, but when I spoke to him and tried to pry into his thoughts, he would shut me out, closing the gates to his past life by distracting me away, arousing me until my eyes burned hot red with only desire and want for him. I was never really good with my lovers (I only had two before Jaejoong; one was my first girlfriend in middle school, a transferred student from China named Xiao Wei whose face I could barely remember; and the second was Hyejin, dead and almost forgotten), because it was either I was too caught up with my own thoughts and things to care (like I did with mentioned ex-girlfriends) or too attentive till it gave my brain an itch that could not be rubbed out (like what I felt with Jaejoong). Not until I knew all of Jaejoong’s past (which I knew the basic but not enough) I was besieged with this tedious yearning; wanting all of him and nothing less. I was overcome by this unhealthy greed for him, and while I knew that I was digging my own hell by continuing to ponder about it further, I could not stop. Even as deep as I had loved Jaejoong, my mind had seemingly found ways to doubt my heart.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
“Hmm?”
“Am I your lover?”
“You know you’re more than a lover, Yunho-ya…you’re everything. My everything.”
I squabbled with my own thoughts, now that I had established my position in his heart and paved way for my curiosity to launch its missile, all I had to do was push the button and fire. I held Jaejoong’s hand, looking deep into his widened eyes. He looked most adorable like this, and my whole body tensed, afraid.
“Is there anything about you that I should know?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…like your past. I have told you mine, and I think I deserve to know yours as well. I want to know what made you as you are, and all the things that were colored by your touches. I want to know what happened to you before you met me, baby…who you loved and who had loved you…I’m sorry I sounded pushy, but I need to know. Please tell me?”
“I am made by you, I had never loved or have been loved by anyone but you, and my touches only know how to sketch and paint on your skin.”
“Jae-“
“-It’s the truth. Now let’s go back to bed, I’m-”
“-I’m wondering why whenever we talk about your past, you would try to change the subject?”
I turned my back to him, trying to stay firm and insistent. Not looking into his eyes, I could at least fend off the innocence that I knew could have easily radiated from them, which would melt me and cause my defeat in record time. Jaejoong came near, hugging me from behind, his lips brushing softly against the downy skin of my nape. I felt the steady thump of his heartbeat against my back, pebbly nipples rubbing wants unto my seared skin. I shuddered and closed my eyes, willing my body to stop responding to his loving caress for once.
“Jaejoong-ah...please.”
“Please what, Yunho-ya? I’m more than please to give you pleasure.”
His hand wandered down my stomach, expert fingers tracing circles of sweetest sins on my taut muscles. I cupped his hand still, not wanting to be further distracted by this ploy of his that was becoming too familiar not to notice.
“Don’t try to distract me from our discussion, Jaejoong.”
His kisses stopped briefly, “I’m not. You’re the one being a distraction. Don’t expect me to talk with you looking like that…sexy, naked, totally irresistible…and on my bed…our bed. You overestimate my control, Yunho-ya.”
I chose to overlook the seduction webbed unabashedly in his voice. I turned around sharply, locking eyes with him for a second, before peeling his arms off my body gently and pulling out of his embrace.
“I feel like I don’t know you enough, beside your work and what you told me when we met. My lover is Kim Jaejoong, but who is he? The man who said he loves me but does not trust me with his past? I…I feel like I am holding an unsolved puzzle, one where my part is attached, and your part is missing...scattered pieces that you are unwilling to share to complete us.” My sorrow was laden in my words, and I did not even try to hide it. I heard Jaejoong moved about, stepping out of the bed and walking towards the window. He seemed to think quietly for a while, and I stared at his back, his strong beautiful back, and saw him trembling a little but not much. He was confident and at ease, never once faltering and I did not think he was lying when he told me what was on his mind.
“My past is not important, Yunho-ya. What’s important is us…now, and our future together. Isn’t it enough that we love like this? I did not ask about your past, you told me about it yourself and I was listening to you with my mind open because you needed me to be that for you…to listen and to understand. There is a reason they were called the pasts, Yunho-ya…they were things we don’t need anymore now that we have each other. I refused to let them haunt our life. Truthfully, I don’t want to tarnish this beautiful thing we have by showing you ugly scars of my past. There are things…that I don’t want to dwell on, Yunho-ya…things that hurt me when I even as much as think about it. Do you want me to hurt, Yunho-ya? If you do, then feel free to open the wound in my heart that has already been stitched shut and healed by you…”, he said this in a gentle voice, back turned towards me as he looked at the dawning sun. All the while, I steadily bled with guilt behind him.
“I love you too much to deny you what you want.”
How could I push through when Jaejoong had said that? I would be a bad lover for wanting him to remember things he did not want to remember, but God, the itch stayed and never failed to remind me of its existence. I kept hearing my thoughts in tiny, malicious vermin-y voice, telling me that I knew almost nothing about Jaejoong than what he chose to tell me, which was not much to begin with.
I wanted to know about his past lovers, because it was only fair that I knew about them since I already told him everything about my own - even my first crush when I was merely a sniffling crybaby at six. I wanted to know how he knew he liked men, was it because he met a beautiful man at a train station and fell in love at first sight like I did? I wanted to know what had hurt him, was it his family? Friends? Lovers? I wanted to know where he got the long scar he had mapped on the back of his thigh, a pretty stitched up skin that was always cool when touched, and felt softer than the rest of his body. I wanted to know more about his dreams, what he wanted to achieve most when he was growing up, what were his fears and nightmares, and what had made him laugh and smile. Every time I trailed a finger down his strong back, I saw hardships sewn in his each strands of muscles and sinews, and the arch of his backbone reminded me of a life full of adventures he had never told me before. At night, as I held him close in my arms, I wondered about that one year when he trudged across Europe - what did he sees, who was he with, did he hurt his heart then and never recovers?
I never asked him about his past again after that one time, vowing to myself that I should kick out this sick obsession I had of wanting to know everything about someone who loves me for all that I am. I was the broken-legged puppy Jaejoong had fetched at the train station, treated with care and spoiled with love, and allowed to roam his place and his body on my whims - and I had no further right to overstep my welcome in his heart. He loved me despite my shortcomings, I was jobless and a useless man who had lost faith in people who demanded but did not understand - but he made me trusted him. While he kept me balancing precariously at the edge of danger and sanity, he also stood by me with his hands held out, ready to catch me if ever I fall. And now when all I ever wanted was within my reach, I was searching for ways to ruin it by venturing into doubt.
Tsk, Jung Yunho. You never learn.
--
Saturday came and found the five of us in my new home - Jaejoong’s apartment. Changmin, Junsu and Park Yoochun came in a car, bringing expensive red wine and condiments to be shared among us. Jaejoong and I managed to cook simple Western meal; grilled steak, potato salads and Jaejoong’s secret sauce - which smelled like shoyu mixed with some hot pepper paste, beef stock and a huge dose of lime. He laughed when I tried to guess the ingredient, and told me to try harder next time. I pouted exaggeratedly, childish when I was with him. He brought out the silly in me easier than anyone could ever do in my entire life.
We were dressed in simple jeans and t-shirts as we welcomed our guests. Jaejoong was a fine host, polite and knowing exactly when and what to say to my friends. The moment we opened our front door, my eyes never leave Park Yoochun’s face, in case I saw a flickering of something dangerous that I should be wary of in there. But he was sunshiny smiles as I had seen him the first time, even more so now that he realized that my Kim Jaejoong was really the Kim Jaejoong whose works he had admired. Jaejoong blushed bashfully when Yoochun praised his work out loud, and I held him close as he laughed into his hand, a gesture I found too endearing to be shared with anyone.
Changmin looked around the place like an inspector, watching every framed picture and every small ornament adorning the walls and the shelves. I saw him trying to find something, maybe a picture of us, but I was distracted by Junsu’s high-pitched squeal when he saw a black and white picture of two boys holding hands, face hidden but smiles apparent from the upturn of their chubby cheeks, following a deserted trail smartened by leaves and twigs. Junsu had always been weak against anything cute, and two boys holding hands? That was the ultimate blow for him.
“You took that picture, Jaejoong-shi? It’s so cute! Awwww…”, Junsu cooed at the picture, a hand clutched dramatically at his heart. Both Yoochun and I laughed as Jaejoong grinned quietly, because Junsu was really a picture of cuteness himself.
“Hyung, can I use the toilet?”, Changmin asked me before we started our dinner. I showed him the way to the toilet, not really thinking of anything as I acted like a gracious host. Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun were busying themselves in the kitchen, and I heard the cheery buzz of their conversation from the hallway as I made my way back to them. I remember feeling contented by this group of people that were in my life; and if I were to live just with this 4 other people, I would be utterly grateful and blessed.
Yoochun helped Jaejoong set up the table, as Junsu and I talked about a job interview I had been called for at a law firm nearby. Junsu was proud that I had seemingly found my steps again, and was genuinely happy for me. I gestured at my smiling Jaejoong and said to Junsu - Jaejoong was the one who saved me and helped me get back on my feet, he loves me, Junsu-ya, he really loves me - and he said he could see it even if I did not speak it out loud.
Changmin came back when we were ready to start our dinner, his face a little pale but I had suspected nothing then when he complained of having a bit of a stomachache. We ate and drank in jolly atmosphere, Junsu cracking silly jokes and I learned that night that he and Yoochun was indeed a couple since a week ago. The dinner went smoothly, despite Jaejoong tipping the sauce bowl accidentally, Junsu drinking too much wine and Changmin not looking very well. Jaejoong had smiled sweetly to my friends all through the dinner, and he held me close all night, one hand always clinging on my arm, a possessive lover who was proud of me and of us.
So I was surprised that after we bid them goodbyes at our front door, Jaejoong’s face turned tight, his smiles disappearing as he hurriedly cleaned the table and the kitchen, refusing my help and avoiding my touches. I asked him what was wrong, but he said nothing and continued rushing about the place. I remember standing in the middle of our living room confused and almost crying, because I had felt like I was the one who had caused this abrupt change of mood in my lover.
“Shim Changmin hates me.”
Jaejoong said this with contempt when I confronted him later in our bedroom. We were changing out of our jeans and shirts when I pulled him close, and forced him to tell me what was bothering his mind. I was shock by his admonition, because I had not sensed anything of the sort going on tonight. If anything, Changmin was a little under the weather and not really his talkative self, but anyone could have understood that.
“Min is a bit sick. You could see that. He doesn’t hate you.”
“He hates me. And he loves you. I don’t think I like him very much, Yunho-ya. No, actually I don’t think I like him at all. Can we not invite him here again later? If possible, can you not see him again after this?”
I was stunned and did not know what to say. This was what I was afraid of - who should I choose, my little brother or my lover?
I grumbled and sighed, turning away from Jaejoong. He was being absurd, and absolutely out of his mind. Men always choose friendship over love - he should know this because he is a man too. Why was he making me do this?
“Don’t make me choose between you and him, Jaejoong-ah. Changmin is my little brother and my best friend - and you are being ridiculous. He likes you just as much as Junsu and Yoochun do.”
“He doesn’t have a partner.”
“What does that have anything to do with him hating you? I can’t see the connection here.”
“He hates me because I took you away from him. I saw it, he faked his smiles and the way he looked at me told me he doesn’t trust me with you.”
“You’re imagining things-“
“-I’m not imagining anything! I saw it!”
“Well I saw nothing of those. Yes, he was slightly quiet tonight, but he’s sick! Cut him some slack, Jaejoong-ah.”
Jaejoong snorted, cynical. “I don’t think he was really sick. He’s not that good an actor, you know.”
“He had a stomachache! We saw how he looked after he came out of the toilet.”
“Yeah, after he came out of our bathroom and not the guest toilet. I wonder what he did in there.”
“What do you mean? Seriously, I’m lost here. Giving you a look, acting sick and using our toilet? You keep saying things that doesn’t happen.”
“I smelled the soap he used after he came out of the toilet - it’s vanilla. I put lavender-scented soap in the guest toilet, and vanilla in ours. Care to explain why he went snooping around our bathroom if he didn’t have anything but doubt and hate on his mind? He’s an impolite guest, and I don’t like him. That’s the end of this discussion, Yunho. If you are still adamant about befriending him, then do so. But you have to know that I hate it if you do so…but I let you make the choice because I love you and I want you to decide on what ever makes you happy.”
I was silent as Jaejoong moved around picking our shed clothes and tossing them into the laundry bin, and just stared after him as he went into our bathroom to clean up for bed. He was already in bed and waiting when I finally came to my senses, and I crawled into his embrace muted and not knowing what to believe and think. In my mind there was a battle going on - did Changmin really do all those things Jaejoong said, and why did he do it. No explanation seemed to satisfy me at the moment, but I knew I had made up my mind about who to pick.
“I’ll ask Changmin if he really did those things and why. It’s only fair…before I stop seeing him.” I said quietly to Jaejoong as I laid on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. He did not caress me to sleep that night, probably still angry that I was giving Changmin a chance to explain. But he had said nothing to let me know what was going on in his mind, dozing off to a peaceful slumber clasping me close to his body.
I lied awake for several hours after he had slept. I realized now that was probably the only night that we did not make love till we slept exhausted from tasting and tiring each other out.
--
I was surprised when Junsu called me two days later, telling me that Changmin had been admitted into the hospital. Jaejoong was out for work since morning, and he will be back by afternoon, so I left him a note on the dining table and rushed to go and see Changmin.
When I arrived at the hospital, Junsu and Yoochun were already there. Changmin was still in the operation theatre, fighting for his life. Junsu’s eyes were tired and a bit swollen, after-effect of crying perhaps. Yoochun had to fill me in on the situation because Junsu was in no condition to talk coherently.
Changmin was poisoned. The deathly dose had been ingested, and had traveled along his blood, silently killing his body - burning his insides and mutilating his senses. Changmin himself did not realize he was poisoned until he puked bluish blood this morning, though he did say he had had bad stomachache since the night of the dinner. Luckily Junsu was nearby when Changmin called him on his mobile, weak and nearly passing out. When Junsu found him, his eyes had dilated, whites overtaking the blacks, and he was gasping like he was drowning in the water. He fainted on the way to the hospital, energy drained and pale as death.
“The doctors said they would pump out the remaining poison from his stomach, but they said it was too late to do anything about those that had traveled elsewhere on his body. If he makes it past this critical stage, he might still have several permanent damages to his internal organs. They are also not sure of what kind of poison had been administered into his body, but they said it had to be the kind where it needs to be digested to take effect. We have to wait until Min wakes up and ask him how the poison got in there.”
Junsu was crying by the time Yoochun finished explaining, and he had to excuse himself to douche his face with some water. Yoochun’s words brought me back to the dinner we had last two nights and the way Jaejoong reacted to Changmin, and I can’t helped but thought maybe…maybe. I did not want to think like that, but I had sensed something bad, something illogical and unthinkable. Bile rose to my throat and I had to run to the toilet where I emptied my stomach of all the food I ate that morning.
I waited with Junsu and Yoochun until Changmin finally came out of the operation theater and was admitted to the intensive care unit. He was in coma, and all the years I had seen him, he looked most like an innocent child at that moment when he laid on the hospital bed - his snarky comments and curious honesty all silenced by the tubes running out his mouth and his veins, face white like a ghost. Before I even knew it, I was crying like a little boy for my brother who I had loved since as long as I had known him, now hovering between life and death.
Jaejoong came to the hospital minutes before the visit time was over, and he did not even go into Changmin’s room. He waited for me outside of Changmin’s room, his face cold and grim. When he looked at my tear-streaked face, his face became grimmer and I saw his lips tightened as he said, “Let’s go home.”
My bad feeling did not go away, but instead it escalated, growing horns and claws and torturing me more as each second passed by.
--
Every time I made love with Jaejoong, it was never the same feeling - it was always new, different and better than before. Jaejoong knew where and when and how to touch, and I was on fire each time he did, because if anything, Jaejoong’s passion burned hottest and I was a willing victim to his scorching ardor. I love the way he moaned my name out loud when he took me deep inside him, as if he was desperate to feel me in his soul and keep me there.
After we got back from the hospital, we had made love all through the night - because Jaejoong did not want me to worry about Changmin. He was unwavering in his quest, exciting me in all ways possible, and making me forget everything the way only he could do. I was lost in the ocean of love made from our sweats and semen, and he brought me up to the sky, where I burst and died wanting nothing else to hold me but him. Jaejoong never let me go, always there to hold me as I shook with the violent tremors of passion he had invoked. I believed I hurt him several times that night, because there was not really any break between the times that he took me in him, but even if I did, he did not tell me anything. He gave me love and accepted the pain I had returned to him willingly and gratefully, and I loved him more with each moment passed.
I remember that because of it, guilt was there poking me from the side when I woke up the next day - because I was still very much suspicious of Jaejoong because of what had happened to Changmin. Jaejoong was a selfless giver, loving me to the fullest and wanting nothing more than to give me happiness, but could someone as perfect as Jaejoong be as cruel and poisoned my little brother? I had this doubt in me, because as far as I knew, Changmin was a good person with no real enemies. He was a good son and a good friend, strangely honest but always good-intentioned, and he thought more of others than he thought of himself. He was a bit like Jaejoong when I think about it - it was like Jaejoong and Changmin shared a streak of personality that could link them together. They were both stubborn in their own ways; when Changmin demanded truth he will make sure he gets it, and when Jaejoong wanted to conceal his secrets, he goes a long way to ensure it was kept hidden and forgotten.
--
Changmin was still in coma three days later, when Yoochun called me and asked me to meet him at the same Japanese restaurant - and I agreed when he asked me to keep it a secret from Jaejoong. I told Jaejoong that I was going for my job interview, a half-lie because I did had an interview in the morning, but I had purposely left out the part where I was going to meet Yoochun.
Yoochun’s face was serious when I found him sitting at the furthest and most secluded table in the restaurant. It was only the two of us this time, Junsu was off for work at this time of the day. He was holding a brown envelope, which he held close to his chest as if it contained something too important - a secret that could bring trouble for people.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this, but if anything, I think you deserve to know it the most.” Yoochun said this as he pushed the envelope towards me, gesturing me to open it. With a heavy heart and much burdened mind, I tossed out all the documents inside and spread them on the table. I looked through Changmin’s medical report first, because I was more worried about his condition than anything else.
He was poisoned by acetic acid - Yoochun told me it was of a nearly lethal dose that could have spelled death if administered just a tiny bit more. He also told me that acetic acid was usually harmless when it was diluted in a lower percentage, such as the usual vinegar we used for cooking, but the one Changmin had ingested was too high in its concentration and acidity that it became a life-threatening poison.
I nodded as Yoochun explained, but my mind was reeling - what was the connection between this information and Jaejoong? Yoochun seemed to know what I was thinking, thus he showed me the foreign newspaper clips, side news that no one really reads. It was written in French and English, but I had easily spotted Jaejoong’s name among the alien words. My heart was going through the loops at this point.
“They were reports on a suicide case in Paris that happened 5 years ago. The man who died was Tristan Benoit, a French man aged 24…and guess how he died?”, Yoochun asked, and I knew the answer even before he asked me about it.
“Acetic acid.” I said, voice small but sure. Yoochun nodded curtly and sipped his tea before he continued.
“He died by swallowing undiluted stop bath - a chemical solution used in developing photographs. It contained quite a high percentage of acetic acid, and it caused his internal organs irreparable damage. I am yet to be to be sure if it had anything to do with Changmin’s case, but I had a feeling that it does. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Jaejoong was the dead man’s lover. He committed suicide after he broke up with Jaejoong, and the French police believed he did so because he was heartbroken. There was a note left on his bed, begging Jaejoong to come back to him. The report said Jaejoong was not in Paris at the time of the incident…it was said that he was in Auvergne on a photography trip with a friend…not a very strong alibi if you ask me.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to insinuate here, Yoochun-shi.”, I turned formal suddenly, alarmed at the way Yoochun was trying to connect Jaejoong’s ex-lover’s suicide with Changmin’s poisoning. In my mind, I was already half-way bought by his quietly proposed theory, but my heart was not willing to accept it as easily. It was screaming no no no this could not be happening but it was weeping too, because it knew that there was that possibility.
Yoochun took another long sip of his tea, his eyes staring straight at me, full of sorrow and desperate to make me understand.
“When you told me his name for the first time, I thought I had heard it before - but not from the galleries as I had mentioned to you. When I was an apprentice in the publishing company, I was told to sort out our foreign news files with some other apprentices. Because I was the only one who was affluent in French, they told me to work on news from that country. I remember getting caught up with these particular news clips because they had featured a Korean - a gay one too. I forgot about it after, but when you mentioned his name at that time, I was reminded. I went to search our company’s archive and spent my entire Thursday for it, and when I finally found it, I did not know what to say or do. I didn’t tell Junsu about it, because I know he would freak out and he would think that I was being over-curious and crazy. But I had worked in this news business for quite some time, Yunho-shi, and when my danger sense tingled, it was hard to ignore it. When Junsu and Changmin came to pick me up at my place on our way to your apartment - Changmin had accidentally seen these newspaper clips that I had carelessly left on my working table. He was curious, and had asked me about it as Junsu packed the things to be brought to your place later. I told him not to do anything about it, but apparently he did some spying around and found this in your medicine cabinet.”
Yoochun pulled out a blue pill in a plastic case from his jacket pocket- and I looked at him, puzzled.
“It’s Jaejoong’s anemia med.”
“No, it’s not really anemia pill, it’s an antidepressant - and a strong one too. Changmin found it and gave it to me after we left your house, and I sent it to the lab to find out what it was. Do you know why he takes this pill?”
I shook my head. God, it was all too much to take in one go, and my stomach churned as if I was going on a terrifying roller-coaster ride. Jaejoong’s sweet smiles flashed at the back of my retinas, and my head spun - this could not be happening. Was Yoochun trying to tell me that my lover was a psychotic man who tried to kill my best friend?
Yoochun clasped my hand tight, and I knew he understood what I was feeling at that moment. My eyes stung, I wanted to cry but my throat was closing and I could not breath, there was so much going on but all I can think of then was Jaejoong and how sweet and perfect he was - my Jaejoong, my lover, my life. This must be a joke, a sick joke invented to play with my mind and I hoped that it came to end soon, because it was really not funny and it had started to hurt really, really bad.
“I haven’t told anyone about this, not even Junsu. I wanted to tell you first, because I think you need to be extra careful from now on, even when you still could not believe what I have told you. We do need stronger evidence before we could link Jaejoong to Changmin’s case…and for your sake, Yunho, I hope Changmin and I are wrong and this was all just an unfortunate coincidence. But before that, we have to treat this as it is - a grounded suspicion. Changmin needed you to be level-headed this time and not to just follow your heart…he did risk his life to save yours.”
Yoochun’s words rang loudly in my ears as I walked back to my apartment, those photocopied newspaper clips hidden in the many pockets of my briefcase. Jaejoong was already home when I walked through the front door, all warm smiles and warmer hugs as he clung to me, wanting to know how my interview went. I had to lie through my story because I seriously could not remember anything before my conversation with Yoochun.
“Yunho-ya, let’s take a bath together. I prepared hot water for you, and mixed in your favorite vanilla-scented bath salts. You must be feeling tired from all the waiting, no?” Jaejoong said to me softly, hands expertly kneading my tensed muscle. He was right, I was extremely exhausted, but not from any waiting. Instead, I was burnt out from the thoughts running through my mind - all I wanted was for Jaejoong to make me forget all that Yoochun had told me earlier; to pretend that Changmin was not in a hospital and that my Jaejoong was not a man with a dangerous mind and a tendency to kill.
I let Jaejoong undressed me and led me to our bathroom. As I stepped into the lukewarm water, my eyes could not stop but stare at the medicine cabinet, where I knew Jaejoong stored most of his things - and his light blue antidepressant pills. I felt him slithered in next to me in the medium-sized bathtub, his soft naked skin rubbing against mine, his arms winding comfortably to envelope me in his embrace. He kissed my jaw and ear, soothing and slightly drowsing, and I closed my eyes, willing my mind to stop working and worrying. Jaejoong could not have hurt me, couldn’t he?
“I love you, Yunho-ya…I love you so much. I will make you happy…so happy you’d want nothing else but me…nothing else but us. My Yunho-ya…my forever and one day.”
He whispered this as I fell deeper into sleep, and in my unconsciousness, something grew and rose in me - a strong willful voice that urged for the truth.
--
The next few days after my meeting with Yoochun were the hardest I had been through all my life. I was kept in alert mode at all times, and it hurt as I acted and hid things from Jaejoong in my quest to find the truth. It was not easy for me to do so, since he was always around, just loving me like usual. Those few hours when he had to run to his studio to get things were my only chance to do my investigation, and I remember seriously debating whether I should really go on with it.
All the while I was living in Jaejoong’s apartment, this was the first time I had dug through his personal things. I had found nothing suspicious in his closet and bookshelves, and I was nearly frustrated as the time ran short before he came back. I sat on the bed as I stared at the clock ticking by, almost giving up and partly relieved that I had still not found evidence to this wayward side of my lover.
Suddenly a thought struck me and before I knew it, I was pulling the mattress off the bed. My eyes widened at what I saw - I could spot some of the newspaper clips similar to those that Yoochun had shown me and few others, and some pictures. I knelt down as I looked at those photos; there was one with young Jaejoong whose face was as beautiful as he was now, embraced by a handsome guy with blond hair and a warm smile. His hair was slightly longer then, and he almost looked like a girl - had I not known better. Then I saw a paper with messy handwritings, repeatedly writing the same sentence over and over again - as if the writer was trying to emulate someone else’s penning style. I nearly cried when I realized what it was - it was Jaejoong trying to copy his lover’s handwriting for a suicide note that shifted the blame away from him. I saw another photo through my hazy eyes; a family picture where the father’s face was scratched out. I looked through the scattered yellowish news clips and I cried brokenly upon reading one dated the earliest - about a man who had killed himself after he was sentenced to a life-time imprisonment for abusing his wife and raping his children; 8 girls and a young boy, their names unrevealed.
It was my Jaejoong. Oh God.
I cried my heart out for a good several minutes - before I gathered all the things and stored them in my briefcase, and carefully made the bed as before. I knew what to do then, and no, there was no way I could hate Jaejoong. Nothing could have changed my love, not even the fact that Jaejoong was mentally and physically dangerous.
My Jaejoong had saved me once. Now it was time for me to save him.
--
Changmin woke up two weeks after he was admitted, muted for life. I told him what happened to Jaejoong and what I was going to do, and he cried silently, giving me encouragement through his eyes. I knew I could always fall back on our brotherhood and I was so grateful that he did not hate me for failing to hate Jaejoong. Deep inside, I knew he was not angered by what Jaejoong had done to him; there were so many scars in Jaejoong’s past that had been harder to fathom and if there was anyone who could understand him, it was my little brother Changmin.
I told Yoochun and Junsu about my plan next. Junsu was unsurprisingly shocked by this revelation, after all he was the only one who had not been in the knowing as all of these happened. Always the kind-hearted soul, Junsu was quick to forgive Jaejoong, but not before telling me that Jaejoong needed to get help and be rescued from himself, before he harmed anyone else, especially me.
When I faced Jaejoong that rainy August afternoon, my heart was determined, mind set on doing what it had been planning on these past few days. The staffs from the mental hospital stood in guard outside of the apartment as I talked to Jaejoong. He was calm when I confronted him about Changmin, but his eyes had widened considerably when I mentioned about Tristan Benoit, his former lover. He finally crumbled to the floor as I gently spoke to him, my voice holding nothing but love and compassion for this broken angel sprawled in front of me.
“I know what you had done, Jaejoong-ah…to both Tristan and Changmin. I’m not asking you to admit it, but I just want you to know that I understand why you did what you did, even though it was not the right thing to do. I’m sorry I had to go and poke into your past without your permission to find that understanding, but I’m glad I did because I love you more now that I know all of your stories, of the origin of the scars you had embedded in your heart and wrapped in your mind. No one hates you, Jaejoong…Yoochun, Junsu and even Changmin do not hate you. You’re hurt, and all you wanted was someone to love you. That’s why I am here. Don’t be afraid, baby…”
Jaejoong sobbed and laughed at the same time, and I was truly scared for the first time since I met him. He rocked his body gently, holding his knees close to his chest as he cried out loud, gaze darting everywhere but not focusing.
“You will leave me! They all left me! Ma left me when Pa beat me to pulp, and Pa left me when he was done using me! My sisters left me because I was a burden, and Tristan left me because he found someone more worthy than me! You will leave me too, because you love Changmin and Yoochun and Junsu, and because they are all pretty people with good hearts and good pasts and I was nothing but a worthless dirt who had killed people! I might have killed your Hyejin too, if she had not killed herself before I found you! Hahaha! You will leave me now, right? You will leave me and I will have to kill you because I can’t let you go! I will have to kill you, Yunho-ya…I don’t want to, but I’d have to…I don’t want to kill you, Yunho-ya…please don’t make me kill you…you’re my everything, Yunho-ya…my everything…I can’t…I will die if I let you go…I will die…please don’t leave me, Yunho-ya…I will die…there is no one else now…no Pa, no Ma, no sisters, no Tristan…please don’t leave me…there is only you Yunho-ya…I will die if you go…only you…forever and always, only you…only you…don’t leave me…I have only you…”
He was sobbing brokenly by the end of his rambling, and I could not help but to hold him close to my chest, letting his tears drowned my shirt front for the last time. I had to do this, it was what Jaejoong needed. Long overdue and too much ugly suffering buried under his pretty mask, Jaejoong would finally get what he wanted, what he deserved. I held him and kissed him softly, not scared of this man and his insanity.
The hospital staffs rushed in at my signal. Bounded and tearful, he was still my Jaejoong, beautiful and mine.
--
I look at Jaejoong now and see an exquisite serenity that I had not seen before. We are older now, age eating our lives and giving us nothing but bittersweet memories. He is at peace now, finally resting with no more monsters raging in his head telling him that he is not worth the love or the respect. I keep loving him till the end, I was by his side as he battled the angry ghosts living inside of him since he was a child, and I was also there to witness when he made the first step to recognize people and the love that they could give him, apologizing earnestly for the mistakes he had made and the hurt he had caused.
I amended my relationship with my parents long ago, and I am no longer mad at them for the things they had consciously or unconsciously done to me. Despite their flaws, they had genuinely loved me, and had willingly accepted me back. Jaejoong made me see that love was truly a precious thing - I could have end up like him if not for the love that my parents had bestowed upon me.
I visited Hyejin’s grave for the first and only time years back, wishing that she too found the peace she needed. I could have loved her better, but no, not as deep as I have loved Jaejoong. What ever happened, there is no hate for her, just a wishful thinking that I would find her trotting the street with a child clinging to her hand one day, where she was never really in my life and never really my once-lover.
Changmin is making progress with his speech; if he tried hard he could be heard mouthing few syllables of easy words. He is a successful businessman despite his physical deficiency - and I am grateful that my little brother is able to lead a fairly normal life even after what happened. Junsu married Yoochun a year after the incident, at this same church where I am standing now. They have an adorable adopted son; a cheerful, sunshiny boy with black hair and an even blacker eyes - a spitting image of young Jaejoong had he led a happier childhood.
I cry now because our story is nearing its ending, and I have to part with my lover soon. It had been a rough ride, my love, a sad and happy love story but nothing of regret. I am glad that your path and mine had crossed - and I love you, Kim Jaejoong, for you had saved me and made me appreciate life and love once more.
Thank you. Thank you so very much.
Till then, and may our paths cross again.
--
Yes I still remember, every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I’d heard
Slipping through our fingers, like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta manana
Always be mine.
- Viva Forever; Spice Girls
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