imie_schweetzel: Forever; and One Day (1/2)
Title: Forever; and One Day
Author: imie youngwoong/imie_schweetzel
Pairing(s): Yunho/Jaejoong (main), Yoochun/Junsu (side)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yunho was a lost soul, until he met a beautiful stranger at the train station. What could have been a chance meeting turned out to be the start of the greatest love he had ever had - blood and tears combined.
Warnings: AU, slash, major angst
Word count: 16,520 words
Disclaimer: DBSK are their own people under the management of SM Entertainment. The portrayals here are fictional and no money is being made.
Author's Note: hugs and kisses to my lovely beta, sacchlovedbsk. thank you so much wubby :)
Do you still remember? How we used to be
Feeling together, believe in whatever
My love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers, young love in the sun
Felt like my savior, my spirit I gave you
We’d only just begun
Hasta manana,
Always be mine.
- Viva Forever; Spice Girls
--
You know people always say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you are about to take that last breath - everything comes just the second before it all ends and you embark on that one last journey you ever take.
I am seeing it now - and no, I am not dying. But I am having that moment and it is filling me with such heavy emotions, the weight of everything that had happened immense and unforgettable.
He was not my first love, but he is my last, the one that I will never forget for the rest of my life. He is my everlasting love, always young and always mine.
This is my story - our story. By the time you reach the end, I could only hope you will know that there is no one to blame. Love does not punish - it understands.
--
He was beautiful, a stranger that I saw in a second and remember forever. The way we met was uncommon, but it had always been that way between us. Everything was never common, just different - extraordinary.
It was a humid hot May afternoon, the kind of day where you just want to be inside and put your air-conditioner on full blast. But I was not inside, I was waiting for the train in that uncomfortable weather, Seoul bustling busy as usual. People walked past me towards something or somebody, and there I was, standing in the crowd not knowing where to go and who to turn to.
My life sort of ended that day when the news of my girlfriend’s suicide reached my side. I did not cry, not because I was not sad, but because it had been a full-on dramatic blow that robbed me of words and thoughts. There were anger and loneliness and confusion in me; I did not know what to feel but the feeling of betrayal echoed the strongest. We had been a couple since high school, and God, the thought that I will never see Hyejin again after that undid me in lots of way.
I had wanted to die with her.
Unconsciously, I had stepped forward, just a step more and I will fall onto the rail - the noisy rattling of the old train wheels paled in comparison with the loud hammering of my blood in my ears. I was sure that this was not the end that I want, but my body was not mine then, disappointment taking hold of all sanity left in me.
I was so mad at Hyejin for daring to leave me, without as much as a warning.
Just a step more and I will feel whole again, that was all I was thinking of when I put my life in the pulling force of gravity - only to feel a strong hand gripped my upper arm and pulled me from the edge, before that same hand turned me on my heels till I collided against a hard chest.
He was slightly shorter and not much smaller than me, but the quiet anger I have seen in his eyes could have blaze me afire without a single doubt.
“Is the person you want to die for really worth it? Think. If not, live and take revenge. Do something. Don’t be a coward and die. It wouldn’t solve anything.”
His voice was rough, and while he was prettier than common men, it fitted him perfectly.
I looked at him and I was sure he knew what I was thinking because he sighed knowingly. I let him held my hand as he walked us out of the station, towards some place. His grip never loosened, and I never let him go. Ever since then.
I was rational and composed all my life, my friends would have tell you that if you had asked them - but with him, all my control flew out of the window. An hour after I met him, I was already on top of him, pumping myself in and out of him, crying and panting and living again. He opened and bloomed under me, and Hyejin left my heart and my mind - while he immediately filled her place.
I did not even know his name then.
--
That same night, we were out eating at a ramyun stall and I finally learned his name. He was Kim Jaejoong, once a part-time model and now a full-time photographer, aged 26 (we were of the same age), and born in Gongju. He had a mother and no father since he was nine, and was the youngest and the only boy in his family of ten. His sisters were all married before he finished high school and he never keep in touch with any of them except one who was living in Los Angeles with her American husband. He studied in France for four years, went backpacking across Europe for a year, loved his coffee black, and had always been a homosexual. I had smiled, shy - he was confident and unconscious of his enigmatic aura and I had felt clumsy and inept beside him. It was like I was short of everything, of a life interesting enough to be worth living, and here with me was a man full of those things I had just find myself having nothing of.
“Relax, Yunho. You look so tense.”
“I don’t know how to behave around you…I- It’s not how I usually-“
“-Just be yourself, Yunho. I like you as you are.”
He smiled and fuck, he was damn gorgeous. A lump formed in my throat at his admonition - he likes me? - and I blushed. There were freckles of guilt when fleeting thoughts of Hyejin came to mind, but then I remembered she was not here anymore. She had left me, and I had found Kim Jaejoong. He smiled and the world around cease to exist, and I continued to be a puddle of nothingness slobbering at this angel-like creature’s feet, begging to be loved by those gentle smiles and even gentler hands.
Not my fault that I fell in love with this man on first sight, was it?
Jaejoong drank his soju with ease, gulping down the bitter liquid like it was plain water. I chanced a look at him and saw icy cold hardness etched on his face, a different persona compared to who I was with minutes ago on his perfumed bed. He was nothing but control and charisma outside of bed, a presence you can’t help but notice and admire. On bed, he was a burst of porcelain beauty, pale skin and blood-red lips, vulnerable and needy, gasping breaths and keening mewls, wanting to satisfy me and to mend me. I could not help but to drown in his charms - both personas intrigued me endlessly. If I thought about it now, the speed in which I fell in love with him was quite surreal, no matter how beautiful Jaejoong was at that time. But it does not matter, because ultimately I had fallen and he caught me in his nest, cradling me on his chest and warming my insides.
Kim Jaejoong had saved me.
We ate seafood ramyun and emptied shared bottles of soju, and later went back to his place to crawl into each other’s skins again and again. I remember how thirsty I was for his love and attention then, almost weeping with desperation as he slowly kissed me from one end to another, always insisting to taste me everywhere and anywhere. We had made love gently and deliberately, and I had felt his skin merged with mine, his scent mixed with mine, and his soul mated with mine.
When the lights of reality finally hit me square in the face, it was already day three, and I was sprawled lazily on Jaejoong’s bed, with him on top of me breathing so peacefully, both of us a little bit sweaty and very much naked.
I had wept. Hyejin used to sleep like this with me - I told him - and he gritted his teeth and said he can make me forget. I refused to let him do that, refused to let myself use him more than I already have - this is wrong, Jae - but then he started kissing my pain away, his tongue burning a scorching trail down my body and all retorts died before I could think of another. Jaejoong made me forget the world, made me forget that my girlfriend just threw herself off a building, made me forget that I still have a job to go to and parents to take care of, made me forget that I had to make a call to Junsu before he freaks out, made me forget that Changmin will come back from America some day next week, and made me forget that I had a fish in my apartment and it had not been fed for three days.
Jaejoong made me forget that I was Jung Yunho - a common salaryman who has a dead girlfriend, parents, friends and a fish; a pathetic excuse of a man whose life ended and began in a span of a day.
“You are so beautiful, Yunho-ya…so, so beautiful.” He mouthed from somewhere around my groin, voice muffled as I screamed his name out loud - Kim Jaejoong, Kim Jaejoong, Kim…Jae…joong - ahhhh!
With him, I was simply beautiful.
--
If only life let me go that easily. Reality has a way to catch you unguarded, with thoughts of things you need to do and ought to do, and reminders of who you are and what will happen if you do what you do. It was inevitable that by day four that I started to feel nervous and edgy, because I was scared that Jaejoong will get tired of my vine-gripped existence in his life. He noticed that how tensed I was when I was too distracted to respond to his kisses, and suggested that I go back to my place to sort things out, to get my thoughts and feelings organized.
“You can come back here when you’re done with things, Yunho-ya. There’s a key on the table with the green keychain…it’s yours now.”
A pregnant pause, silent but deafening.
“It has always been yours.”
Jaejoong had said this while leaning against the doorframe and watching me put on my clothes, his gaze intense and almost suffocating. I could not look at him, he was gorgeous and if I look I would want to make love to him again, and I was sure it was not good for him to be made love to so many times. He could have felt so sore down below.
I felt sad as my clothes hid me little by little from him - as if there was a barrier that I had erected between us. I glanced at him, saw his unsmiling eyes glimmered with invisible tears and I finally could not take it anymore and turned to kiss him breathless. He was almost tearful as he clung to my arms, his bare skin rubbing against my rough denim and I remember feeling insanely jealous at a piece of clothing.
“I’ll be back, Jaejoong…I promise.”
He nodded and smiled, and I fell in love again.
--
I did not go back to my place until day six.
Junsu was already there, sleeping on my couch. He had yelled at me for making him worried sick, and shoved a warning memo from our company which I binned after I read it. Quickly, I made a call to my boss, asking him for a much-needed holiday - I deserved it after all the holidays I had foregone these past years, but he said I had used all of it from the six days that I was absent from work. I cursed under my breath and he heard, and it was no surprise that less than a minute later, I was jobless.
I had laughed when I finally put my phone down, and Junsu’s mouth was agape, shocked.
“What the hell were you thinking??”
“Nothing. It slipped off my tongue.”
Junsu grumbled and frown for a few seconds, and then he sighed and took one of my hands in his. There were dark smudges under his eyes; clearly he had not been sleeping well for days.
“Yunho…stop doing this to yourself. I’m sorry about what happened to Hyejin…but things will get better, Yun. It always does.”
I smiled at Junsu, kissing his tired eyes once. I was sorry that I made Junsu worry for me, but really, there was nothing to be worried of. I felt no pain anymore, not for her at the very least. In my mind and in my heart then there was only Kim Jaejoong, my sweet lovely Kim Jaejoong, and he was waiting for me.
“It already does, Su.”
Junsu had hugged me close and wept. I did not know why he did, but I held him as he broke into tears in my arms, and I felt like he was the one more saddened by Hyejin’s death than I was. Maybe he did, now that I think of it, Hyejin had always been his best friend too; Hyejin, Junsu, Changmin and I - the four of us on a cloud of our own painting a future that we often dreamt and talked about. Hyejin lived in Junsu’s memories as much as she had lived in mine - but that’s all there was to her - a memory. She left and I could not even bother to want to remember her. Bitter? Maybe. I realized then that I do not deal with being the one left behind so easily.
I went into the room that I had shared with Hyejin, and I remember feeling nothing when I saw our picture on the table. My goldfish was still alive, thanks to Junsu who probably had been the one to save the poor neglected creature. I went to the balcony, opened the door and stood outside, trying to extend my neck to see if I could spot Jaejoong’s apartment complex from my house. I chuckled when I realized I could not have seen the building, Jaejoong lived in the middle of the city while my place was at the quieter part of the town. All I could see was a school field, some trees, children running, fighting and laughing, and the old radio station where Hyejin, Junsu, Changmin and I used to climb to its rooftop and sang our hearts out.
I let Junsu made me coffee as I packed some stuffs - the basics, several pair of shirts and pants (I never knew then I would have no use of so much clothes with Jaejoong), my favorite pajama boxer and some of my briefs. Half cup of Junsu’s too-sweet coffee and several minutes later, I was back on the road, one hand clutching my duffel bag and another hand carrying my small fish bowl.
--
I went to visit my parents next. Freshly showered and shaven, I looked every bit like the son they have always been proud of, so I was confused when my mother had cried dejectedly when she saw me at the door - not a word uttered upon seeing her only son. She knew about what happened to Hyejin, probably from Junsu, and she was clearly devastated. My father was silent, but I saw his quivering lips and the quiet accusation in his eyes; it was not hard to sense that he blamed me for her suicide. Hyejin was as much their child as I was, and they loved her because she had always been the one who were supposed to be in my future, bearing my name and my unborn babies.
“I didn’t kill her, Appa. She killed herself.”
I defended myself. My mother was crying softly behind me when my father looked up, disgusted.
“You have no remorse.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“She was hurting, Yunho. You never listen, did you? She told us, and she told you, but you never listen.”
My lips tightened as I heard this. I had come home to find solace in my parents, but even they had wanted to throw me further into the depressing darkness for something I had no hand in doing.
“I shouldn’t have come back. Not for this. She left me, Appa. I didn’t do this to her, she did.”
He had never hurt me once in my entire life, and that day, my father slapped me hard until I stumbled back and fell to the floor. He was one foot shorter, yet his callous hand had the weight of experience and disappointment in it; and I could probably chipped a tooth if he continues to pounce had my mother not intervened and put herself between two raging Jung’s men.
“I am ashamed of you, Yunho! You hurt her and not even man enough to admit you did!”
“I didn’t! If she’s hurt, I would have known!”
“Did you listen to her? You didn’t, did you?! She came here crying about you and you tell me you would have known if she was hurt? God what have I done to have a child so heartless…”
I was confused by my father’s words. I can’t remember anything about Hyejin hurting and crying. I would have remembered it if she had said anything, I always did. My father was not making any sense, and I was tired of being the one who always disappoint. They said they loved both of us, but I wondered why it was enough to feel pity for her departure but not enough to feel a wee bit of empathy for me. I had always known I was only the side bit to make way for her existence anyway - they have always wanted a pretty daughter, not a pretty son.
Later, I went back to Jaejoong’s place without eating dinner. My mother packed me kimchi jjigae enough to stuff me up for days, but when I got to his place, I smelled that he was making the same thing and I did not even falter for a single second when I threw the pack quietly into a bin outside the apartment.
He kissed me desperately when I opened the door and we made love on the kitchen table, his feet dangling from the side and I never want to eat anything else that does not have Jaejoong’s taste in it from that moment forward.
He flavored my life.
--
Changmin came back from America and called me the minute he stepped off the plane at Incheon Airport. Of course I had not known this because I was already living at Jaejoong’s place, but Junsu told me about his voice message when I came back to pack more of my stuffs to bring to my new home.
“Changmin is back, Yun.”
“Oh.”
That was my reply when Junsu had told me the news. I could not explain the sudden lack of enthusiastic response; this was my little brother we are talking about, the closest person I have to be a little brother at the very least. We grew up together; his family was my neighbor since as long as I could remember. Being the only child in our families, we seek one another for company. He was always trailing me everywhere, and I am proud to say I had taught him most of the things that he could not have learned in class, and vice versa. We climbed trees and explored the abandoned sewer, made kites from textbook pages and scrapped our knees trying to fly them, and ate wild berries and suffered from itchy lips together for a week. Our mothers treated us like we were brothers, and we were always in each other’s home, sleeping over and laughing at secret jokes past our bedtime. We were so close, Changmin my little brother and I, even when his parents divorced and he moved away with his mother and I moved into my own apartment when I got into college. Changmin used to come to my place after school and bothered me with his homework, and so I had missed him when he finally got the chance to go and study abroad. Separated and far from each other, that had never deter me from believing that I could always fall back to this brotherhood.
I made a note to call him later, making excuses that he must have been exhausted from the long journey and needed time to recuperate. Junsu had eyed me suspiciously, and asked where I was staying at. I told him I was staying at a cheap motel, needing some time to get away from my own apartment and all the bits of Hyejin still living everywhere in it. Another excuse made and rolled easily off my tongue.
“You could stay at my place, Yun.”
“No. I need this time away…from things or people that remind me of her.”
Junsu looked hurt by my words. He turned his back to me and picked a picture frame from the bookshelf. It was the three of us during a Halloween party back when we were in college - Junsu was a vampire, I was a tiger and Hyejin was a cat. Junsu showed the picture frame to me and smiled a little sad smile, all the while brushing the dusts that had found their place on the frame.
“I’ll look over this place, okay? Have your time and come back fresh-“
“Junsu-ya..”
“-I miss my best friend.”
I walked off the short distance between us and hugged him. I never meant to hurt him, but I also did not want to be here any second longer. As quickly as I can, I grabbed the stuffs that I had wanted to take - my important letters and files, a Disney plush toy that has been with me for ages, and all of my briefs and boxers. The air in the apartment pressed so painfully in my lungs, and I found it hard to breathe properly. Hyejin was still here somehow, I could feel her haunting the bed, the shower and the kitchen, hovering around the laundry and the balcony, trying to make her way back into my heart, and I could not stand it. She was not going to leave me as easily as she had thrown herself off the building.
“Su-ah, can you lease out this place? I don’t think I’ll be coming back here anymore, except to pack the rest of my things.”
“Where are you going to stay after I do that? You can’t stay in a motel forever. You don’t even have a job!”, Junsu’s voice was rushed and worried. I just shrugged, knowing well Jaejoong was there for me.
“I’ll find myself a place and a job. Don’t worry. Can you help me this once, Su?”
Junsu nodded hesitantly, his frown creasing deeper upon his forehead as he looked around the apartment, probably thinking what he had done in the past life to be burdened by this crazy friend of his.
“I’m sorry for everything, Junsu-ya. Thank you so much for your help, I do owe you a lot. But I really must go now.”
--
Jagged breaths and shorted moans, I knew I would treasure each and every slither of Jaejoong’s desire that I ever had the chance to cup in my hands, under me and on top of me, till the day I perish. Pleasure was nothing before I touched him, every sensations climbing their way to new heights as his hands roamed on my skin, and his kisses drugged me into oblivion of everything else. Jaejoong was an expert at making me scream, I remember shifting and molding to his planes, curves and twisting limbs as I struggled to get closer, to bury deeper in our passions for each other. He made me ache with a prickly sweet sickness and cure me of it, he made want to die and live in his soul.
Jaejoong had this habit of biting upon the skin of my neck until it reddened from his sharp teeth. Sometimes, it bordered on drawing blood, and I had to stop my sweet vampire from drinking from me more than he already was. He would laugh, cheerful and loud, and tickled my sides till I fall victim to his merciless fingers, gasping for breaths as I guffawed to rival him.
“I love you, Yunho-ya…”
He said this as we tried to chase oxygen into our lungs, my body half-sprawled on top of his. I was holding his hands above his head and breathing in his scent, our mouths inches from one another and heaving chests plastered with sweats and the feels of each other. I remember his eyes had bled dark onyx, the color of want and fervor. But I also saw something else there, something red and fiery, something that I had never seen before in anyone else’s beside Jaejoong’s.
Passion and love mixed deliriously as he stared deep into my eyes, and I felt a choking lump in my throat - I was overwhelmed. He cared for me. He loved me. I was a stranger to pure love that when I saw one, I almost kneel down in humble gratitude for the chance to see it. Jaejoong’s lips quivered as seconds passed by without my answer.
“Do you not love me, Yunho-ya?”
He asked quietly as I was lost in reverie over the splendor I had found in my arms. I saw the glint of insecurity flickering in his eyes and immediately I burned. I kissed him half a second after, wanting to turn into ashes with a taste of Kim Jaejoong in my being.
“Of course I love you, Jaejoong. I love you. I’ve never love or is loved as thoroughly as I do with you.”
He smiled with his swollen lips, and my heart soared, proud of us and our love.
“I will always love you, Yunho-ya…will always love you.”
I kissed my way down his heated body. It was almost two weeks since we met that day at the train station and we had made love so many times since then, but I was as infatuated by his beautiful body as I had been the first few times we had mated. His skin would color a deep shade of pink as I lick and suck, and then I would feel ripples of tremors and pleasure course through him as I bite and soothe the reddened skin with my cold tongue. He had squirmed impatiently as I touched him, his hands darting everywhere to grab me, but I told him to wait for me, to wait as I brought us both to the very edge where he would then beg to take a plunge into that dark blissful abyss with me, for me.
“Ahh…Unn…Nghh..”
Every times Jaejoong panted, a surge of glory ran through me, and I felt myself getting hardened just by listening to him. He bit my hand that was holding him still; too beleaguered by the onslaught of sensations I was putting him through to keep still underneath me.
“Let me touch, Yunho-ya…”
“Not yet. Not- umm- yet.”
“I-ahh! I want- unhh- please! I want to make you feel!”
“You already did, baby…see for yourself.”
I turned so that he could see what he had done to me without even a slightest touch of his finger. I love the way his eyes widened when he saw my cock, a throbbing and weeping length of desire that ached to bury itself in his warmth. Jaejoong reached a hand out, and this time I let him do as he pleased. He thumbed the sensitive head and I hissed, and suddenly the roles were reversed. My hands and limbs became lax, and I was a slave begging for my master’s good favor. He continued fisting me out of coherent thoughts, making me moaned his name until I came dreamy-white all over his chest and neck. He kissed my turgid cock one last time before licking it clean, and I groaned out the rest of my orgasm into a second full-bodied spurt into his mouth.
“You are beautiful like this, my Yunho-ya…so, so beautiful. I love you so much.”
Jaejoong spoke slowly as if enunciating every feeling he felt into the words uttered, and I wanted to weep from the sheer joy. I turned and pulled him up on top of me, feeling him slithered like a devilish snake on my burning skin, and I kissed him deeply, tasting myself on his tongue. He licked my face like a kitten would to milk, and I chuckled, amused and warmed by his attention.
In our bed he was my Jaejoong, a soul chained to my own, and I had wanted nothing more than his love for me at that moment. I knew then that my happiness would only come in the shape of Jaejoong in the future.
I had wanted nothing else.
--
A week after, I called Changmin and he was beyond elated when he heard my voice. I was bombarded by his questions, my ever curious little brother, and I answered vaguely to each one of them. He was not convinced of course, and insisted that we met. I agreed and told Jaejoong this as he cleaned his camera, eyes not looking at me but he nodded as I arranged my words into careful sentences.
“Go and come back soon…”, I smiled and nodded, but he was not finished, “…And don’t fall in love with Shim Changmin.”
I had laughed at his misplaced jealousy and shuffled his hair. He was not amused, his lips tight and eyes wary, but I pouted and made silly faces until I coaxed a thin smile to appear on his cherry lips.
Changmin and I met at a quiet Japanese restaurant that he liked since high school. Tea leaf steeping in our pot and perfuming the air, we discussed about his life, and I remember trying to maneuver out of discussing mine. Changmin was nothing but sharp, and he made me wince when he asked out loud about Hyejin - with Changmin there was no beating around the bushes like many would have attempted or preferred.
“I’m sorry, hyung, but I need to know. Why did Hyejin-noona kill herself? Did she leave any note?”
I poured an over-steeped tea into our cups and shook my head. “No note. Apparently she had gone to my parents complaining about not being happy with me, but that’s it. I didn’t even remember her saying anything of the sorts to me before, so really Min-ah…I don’t know why she did what she did. And I don’t think knowing about it now would make any difference. She did what she did with a conscious mind, and I had no choice or chance to stop it.”
Changmin touched my hand for a second and withdrew when he realized I could feel his hand trembling, “Hyung-ah…are you really okay? Junsu-hyung said you were a wreck when he saw you, and that you asked him to lease out your apartment…He also said that you were fired from your job.”
I smiled genuinely, pushing my glasses further up my nose and nodding, “I’m okay, really. About the job, I’m working on it. I need a vacation anyway. Don’t listen to Junsu, Min-ah. You know he likes to make a drama out of every little thing.”
“So where are you staying now?”
“At a friend’s.”
“A friend? Someone we know?”
I shook my head. “No, not someone you or Junsu know.”
Changmin eyed me in the same way Junsu did when I told him I was staying at a motel. I did not know why I had felt the need to hide Jaejoong from my closest friends, but my instinct told me that they do not need such information, and if they know, they will probably ask me to stop seeing Jaejoong or dig into his profiles without my knowledge. I did not want them to hurt Jaejoong, because I was scared I would be forced to choose between him and them - and that I would not even blink when I take my pick.
I love Changmin my little brother and Junsu my best friend, but no one could compare to my love for Jaejoong my lover and my soul.
--
I had never felt as liberated as I had felt when I was with Jaejoong. I love watching him move, on our bed and outside of it. It was as if he danced for me, light feet merely touching the ground because his wings had been clipped and torn apart by angry souls jealous of his beauty. I saw him walk in front of me and I had to chew on the inside of my mouth to stop myself from drawing him near, but then he looked back and winked and my control snapped like a twig crushed under heavy feet. I just had to drag him near, pull him into my embrace and keep him there for as long as it needed to brandish his existence into my skin. Jaejoong would purr like a well-fed kitten when I cuddled him like that, protective of him, a human armor that would fight and die for him. I did not want to share him with anyone else.
When he worked, his face would transform, his beauty taking a different aura altogether; cold, aloof and mysterious. I felt pride swelled in my chest when I looked at the creases furrowed between his brows as he looked through the brown films of pictures he had taken before he met me. If I squinted I could almost make out the outline of hands clasping, feet walking side by side, and bodies in an embrace, but I could see no faces on the shiny film. Dressed in my shirt and his brief, he would sit on the couch with one knee propped against his chest and me peering up at him, studying him as he studied his photos, one of his hands brushing my hair and massaging my itchy scalp. Contented and spoiled to the brim by his love, I moaned into his stomach, wishing that what I had then would never end. I could not even think of a day without Jaejoong by my side, near me to hold and to touch.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
“Hmm?”
“Let’s take pictures together, you and I. I want to have you and me forever…I want to see you with me forever.”
Jaejoong looked down at me, eyes so pretty under the long lashes that were fanning his cheeks as he touched my face, fingers brushing the scars and minute details of my features. I felt ridiculously beautiful then, he was holding me as if I was fragile crystal that would break under the power of his touch. His fingers were warm against my skin, and I smiled at him, waiting patiently for his answer. He could not have denied me my wish, could he?
“I’ll take pictures of you if you want to, Yunho-ya. But none of me. I…want to be remembered as you remember me. If you choose to remember me as an ugly creature with missing tooth and balding head, furs patched in places and tail burnt from accident, then let me be. I’d be that imperfect ugly creature for you, Yunho-ya. Remember me in your mind, because what can be captured by pictures were temporary, tangible moments that you’d cease to appreciate once you forget the warmth and let others taint your memories of me. I want my touches to scorch you even after I am not here anymore, my smiles to freeze you even when you could not really see it, not a mere photograph that show you a cold portrayal of who I am, a snapshot of my love for you that in truth, runs deeper and longer than time. See me now, and remember me as I am…as you want me to be…as I want you to, Yunho-ya.”
“Don’t ever leave me.” My voice sounded choked, unlike me but very much me. “Please don’t.”
“I won’t. I live here, on you and under you, inside of you and all over you, holding you and being held by you. Always together, forever and one day.”
A hot trail of tears left my eye, and he thumbed it, catching the salty moisture on his finger. He sucked it clean from his thumb, taking my sorrow inside him, and he smiled, his own eyes glassy and I could almost see his bare soul behind the warmth of his gaze. Hair tumbled down across one brow, skin flushed from the heat of the end of summer; my Jaejoong looked the handsomest ever.
That was the way I had always remember him, beautiful and honest and giving. My heart breaks as I talk about him now, but he lives like that in my mind, moving pictures of dainty loveliness - always perfect, warm and unblemished. I want to always be able to remember him this way.
--
Humans dream and want. And when they do, they forget the promises and principles they have build for themselves, stumbling over their own failure to not dream things and want things. It is pitiful really, because in the end we have no control over what we do, our souls itching to be free while we put a chain of rules to them - which ends up with us throwing our souls into the open after the struggle. And then comes the regret.
I am a human too, and a weak one at that. Despite my pledge that I would want nothing but Jaejoong, I was plagued by the want to live in the world I have lived before. It was the place where I had ran away from, but it was also the place where my whole life before Jaejoong had been built. As much as I wanted to forget, there were things and people I could not ignore because of the special places they held in my heart. The said people include Changmin and Junsu. I simply missed them.
Jaejoong and I were lounging on the couch watching the old Disney cartoons when I mentioned about Changmin. He was lying with his head on my chest, body pinned in between my legs. The day was a bit chilly because of last night’s rain, and he was all fluffed out comfortable in his boxer and oversized jumper as he cuddled close to me.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
“Hmm?”
“I want to go and see my friends.”
“You’ve seen them before. It’s that Kim Junsu and Shim Changmin, no?”
“Yes, but I kind of miss them. Since Changmin came home, I only met him once.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm?”
“Hmm.”
I was getting irritated. “What do you mean by ‘hmm’?”
He pushed himself up, staring at me behind the curtain of his bangs. He was not pleased, I could tell from the icy gaze. My heart stopped beating for a full second.
“What do you want me to say?”
I huffed, suddenly angered by his cold reply.
“I don’t really need to ask for your permission, you know. It’s just that I thought you would want to know that I’m going to go and meet my friends.”
His lips stretched into a thin-lipped smirk, expression unreadable. My stomach churned and my insides knotted.
“Well, I don’t really want to know. You can do whatever you want. It’s not like I could have stop you.”
I bit my lower lips, I hate arguing with him. Jaejoong could say the most hurtful things, his blunt honesty an unwelcome weapon that easily knocked me off my feet and I was defeated, whipped by the strong hold his words had on me.
“You know it’s not that, baby-“
“Don’t ‘baby’ me!”
“Why are you yelling at me?!”
“Why are you yelling at me??!!”, he asked in a hissing shout, moving to get away from me. I grabbed his elbow and he twisted free, almost making me fall out of the couch from his harshness.
“Jaejoong baby please-”
“I’m going to make some tea.” He cut me off and padded to the kitchen, disappearing from my sight. I did not hear any sound coming from the kitchen, not even the anticipated sound of running water pouring into the kettle if he was really going to brew tea. Seconds passed and still there was no sound. Then I heard metal clinked with the tile counter and I panicked for reasons I did not even know. Jumping up, I ran to the kitchen and I was glad I was quick to do so when I saw him at the sink, just about to cut his veins open.
“What the hell are you trying to do?!”
I yelled as I knocked the knife from his hand, the sharp blade precariously falling near my own feet. His face was downcast as he trembled visibly, and I pulled him into my arms - my broken insecure kitten and a fool in love.
“Stupid! It’s you who told me that dying would not solve anything! Take revenge! Do something! You said that to me!”
“But it is for you, Yunho-ya! You’re worth dying for!”
“Don’t say that! How could you say that! You promised never to leave me and now you tried to do this…”
Jaejoong cried and clutched to my chest, burrowing his face into the crook of my neck. His body shook as he continued raining my shirt with his tears, mouthing repeated ‘sorry’s on the knitted threads.
I felt tears pricked behind my eyes as I held him. This was the person I had come to love more than life itself, and he was making attempt at leaving me. How would I survive another lover killing themselves because of me?
“Why did you do this to me, Jae…” My heart was broken, shattered to jagged pieces that pierced into my insides. I felt like puking, but I was not angry at Jaejoong. My mind was blurry and hazy, knowing nothing and thinking of everything.
Jaejoong’s answer was muffled against my chest, voice small and unsure, “I thought…you don’t want me anymore. You love Shim Changmin…and Kim Junsu…”
A ragged sigh tore out from my mouth, God, how could he be so - “Stupid. They are my friends, my brothers.”
“Who am I to you, Yunho-ya?”
“A lover. You are my lover…my heart, my soul, my life. You are everything that make me and break me. My Jaejoong. My foolish and stupid Kim Jaejoong, because he tried to hurt himself and he hurts me by even thinking about it.”
“I’m really sorry, Yunho-ya…I’m really sorry.” He sobbed brokenly, face flushed and I felt him shrunk into a tiny ball of shivering mess as I held him tight and rocked him gently against me.
“Shh, baby. It’s okay…it’s okay.”
“I want…to be all there is for you, Yunho-ya.”
“Baby-”
“You’re my everything, Yunho-ya…my everything. I can’t live without you. I can’t…I can’t let you go. I can’t.”
I sighed and kissed his hair. Jaejoong clung harder than anyone I have ever met, but I did not feel the sharpness of his claws at that time. For me, it was utterly endearing - almost adorable even. The fact that I had become his sole attention point, the centre of his universe, made me want to burst and turn into a star so I could shine on him forever.
“Jaejoong baby, you’re all there is for me, to me. But Changmin and Junsu are important to me too. I can’t dismiss them from my life just like that.”
“But you did that to your parents. Why can’t you do it with them?”
My lips tightened at the mention of the ghosts of the parents that I used to have. I held Jaejoong tighter, and he yelped as my arms welted around him - punishment of a sort and also a way to make him understand, see reason.
“My parents do not love me. Maybe they did once, but they stopped loving me at some point, probably when they realized I wasn’t really cut out the way they had try to mold me and I was more a disappointment to them than I was a son. Changmin and Junsu love me, Jaejoong-ah. They were there when I fell from my bike and skinned my knee, they were there the first time I was rejected by a girl, and also there when I nearly ran away from home after my dad told me my exam result was not good enough. They have also been there when I successfully ride a kilometer on my bike, when I got myself a girlfriend and when I finally passed college entrance exam. Because they were always there, I want them to be able to see how much I have come to love you, how much you have changed me and made me happy…because if anything, I love you more than I have ever love anyone, and they ought to witness that because they are my best of friends, my brothers. Do you get me, baby?”
Jaejoong shivered, but I felt him nodding slightly to my question. He heaved himself up, and I caught him against me. He whispered a heartfelt final ‘sorry’ into my ear, and I nodded, forgave.
“Take me to our bed, please. I want you to make love to me, the way that only you could do and know how. I need to make you mine again, just to stop this crazy thought I’m having in my head about you running away with someone else and leaving me here nursing my wound.”
“I won’t ever hurt you, won’t ever leave you.”
“Please make me yours again, make us ours again. Please.”
I acquiesced and scooped him up, his legs winding tightly around my waist as I waddled to our room. We never made it there, the couch seemingly ready for the business we had in minds. I shed him off his clothes with extra tenderness, as if he was a delicate flower I was afraid would wither if I was as much as touch him a bit too hard. Our lovemaking was gentle unlike our usual frenzied fervors, and I cherished this man I had found, my own broken rag-doll that had wanted nothing else but my love. As he took me deep inside him, feeling me pounced against his frazzled nerves, I saw him cried into his release and my heart clutched in razor-sharp barbwires - I had hurt my Jaejoong.
Kissing his temple, I swore to myself that I would mend him as much as he had mended me. He pulled me out of the murky water of my depression when I was about to drown and showed me rainbows of hope, and how could I repay him by making him cried and worried. I could have bludgeoned myself to death by the mere thought, but I knew if I do that I would only hurt him further, which was really a double-edged sword because it will kill me too.
Beneath my love-wrecked mind, I could still sense a curiosity lurking dangerously. There were missing puzzles in our lives; I did not know anything about Jaejoong’s past while he had known almost all of mine. I wanted to love him as thoroughly as I could, and I thought I should ask him more of it later. Why was he insecure, why was he afraid of me leaving him, why did he love so intensely - there were so many questions I had no answer to and was eager to find out.
I never thought my curiosity would bring to me to what I know now.
Part 2
Author: imie youngwoong/imie_schweetzel
Pairing(s): Yunho/Jaejoong (main), Yoochun/Junsu (side)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yunho was a lost soul, until he met a beautiful stranger at the train station. What could have been a chance meeting turned out to be the start of the greatest love he had ever had - blood and tears combined.
Warnings: AU, slash, major angst
Word count: 16,520 words
Disclaimer: DBSK are their own people under the management of SM Entertainment. The portrayals here are fictional and no money is being made.
Author's Note: hugs and kisses to my lovely beta, sacchlovedbsk. thank you so much wubby :)
Do you still remember? How we used to be
Feeling together, believe in whatever
My love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers, young love in the sun
Felt like my savior, my spirit I gave you
We’d only just begun
Hasta manana,
Always be mine.
- Viva Forever; Spice Girls
--
You know people always say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you are about to take that last breath - everything comes just the second before it all ends and you embark on that one last journey you ever take.
I am seeing it now - and no, I am not dying. But I am having that moment and it is filling me with such heavy emotions, the weight of everything that had happened immense and unforgettable.
He was not my first love, but he is my last, the one that I will never forget for the rest of my life. He is my everlasting love, always young and always mine.
This is my story - our story. By the time you reach the end, I could only hope you will know that there is no one to blame. Love does not punish - it understands.
--
He was beautiful, a stranger that I saw in a second and remember forever. The way we met was uncommon, but it had always been that way between us. Everything was never common, just different - extraordinary.
It was a humid hot May afternoon, the kind of day where you just want to be inside and put your air-conditioner on full blast. But I was not inside, I was waiting for the train in that uncomfortable weather, Seoul bustling busy as usual. People walked past me towards something or somebody, and there I was, standing in the crowd not knowing where to go and who to turn to.
My life sort of ended that day when the news of my girlfriend’s suicide reached my side. I did not cry, not because I was not sad, but because it had been a full-on dramatic blow that robbed me of words and thoughts. There were anger and loneliness and confusion in me; I did not know what to feel but the feeling of betrayal echoed the strongest. We had been a couple since high school, and God, the thought that I will never see Hyejin again after that undid me in lots of way.
I had wanted to die with her.
Unconsciously, I had stepped forward, just a step more and I will fall onto the rail - the noisy rattling of the old train wheels paled in comparison with the loud hammering of my blood in my ears. I was sure that this was not the end that I want, but my body was not mine then, disappointment taking hold of all sanity left in me.
I was so mad at Hyejin for daring to leave me, without as much as a warning.
Just a step more and I will feel whole again, that was all I was thinking of when I put my life in the pulling force of gravity - only to feel a strong hand gripped my upper arm and pulled me from the edge, before that same hand turned me on my heels till I collided against a hard chest.
He was slightly shorter and not much smaller than me, but the quiet anger I have seen in his eyes could have blaze me afire without a single doubt.
“Is the person you want to die for really worth it? Think. If not, live and take revenge. Do something. Don’t be a coward and die. It wouldn’t solve anything.”
His voice was rough, and while he was prettier than common men, it fitted him perfectly.
I looked at him and I was sure he knew what I was thinking because he sighed knowingly. I let him held my hand as he walked us out of the station, towards some place. His grip never loosened, and I never let him go. Ever since then.
I was rational and composed all my life, my friends would have tell you that if you had asked them - but with him, all my control flew out of the window. An hour after I met him, I was already on top of him, pumping myself in and out of him, crying and panting and living again. He opened and bloomed under me, and Hyejin left my heart and my mind - while he immediately filled her place.
I did not even know his name then.
--
That same night, we were out eating at a ramyun stall and I finally learned his name. He was Kim Jaejoong, once a part-time model and now a full-time photographer, aged 26 (we were of the same age), and born in Gongju. He had a mother and no father since he was nine, and was the youngest and the only boy in his family of ten. His sisters were all married before he finished high school and he never keep in touch with any of them except one who was living in Los Angeles with her American husband. He studied in France for four years, went backpacking across Europe for a year, loved his coffee black, and had always been a homosexual. I had smiled, shy - he was confident and unconscious of his enigmatic aura and I had felt clumsy and inept beside him. It was like I was short of everything, of a life interesting enough to be worth living, and here with me was a man full of those things I had just find myself having nothing of.
“Relax, Yunho. You look so tense.”
“I don’t know how to behave around you…I- It’s not how I usually-“
“-Just be yourself, Yunho. I like you as you are.”
He smiled and fuck, he was damn gorgeous. A lump formed in my throat at his admonition - he likes me? - and I blushed. There were freckles of guilt when fleeting thoughts of Hyejin came to mind, but then I remembered she was not here anymore. She had left me, and I had found Kim Jaejoong. He smiled and the world around cease to exist, and I continued to be a puddle of nothingness slobbering at this angel-like creature’s feet, begging to be loved by those gentle smiles and even gentler hands.
Not my fault that I fell in love with this man on first sight, was it?
Jaejoong drank his soju with ease, gulping down the bitter liquid like it was plain water. I chanced a look at him and saw icy cold hardness etched on his face, a different persona compared to who I was with minutes ago on his perfumed bed. He was nothing but control and charisma outside of bed, a presence you can’t help but notice and admire. On bed, he was a burst of porcelain beauty, pale skin and blood-red lips, vulnerable and needy, gasping breaths and keening mewls, wanting to satisfy me and to mend me. I could not help but to drown in his charms - both personas intrigued me endlessly. If I thought about it now, the speed in which I fell in love with him was quite surreal, no matter how beautiful Jaejoong was at that time. But it does not matter, because ultimately I had fallen and he caught me in his nest, cradling me on his chest and warming my insides.
Kim Jaejoong had saved me.
We ate seafood ramyun and emptied shared bottles of soju, and later went back to his place to crawl into each other’s skins again and again. I remember how thirsty I was for his love and attention then, almost weeping with desperation as he slowly kissed me from one end to another, always insisting to taste me everywhere and anywhere. We had made love gently and deliberately, and I had felt his skin merged with mine, his scent mixed with mine, and his soul mated with mine.
When the lights of reality finally hit me square in the face, it was already day three, and I was sprawled lazily on Jaejoong’s bed, with him on top of me breathing so peacefully, both of us a little bit sweaty and very much naked.
I had wept. Hyejin used to sleep like this with me - I told him - and he gritted his teeth and said he can make me forget. I refused to let him do that, refused to let myself use him more than I already have - this is wrong, Jae - but then he started kissing my pain away, his tongue burning a scorching trail down my body and all retorts died before I could think of another. Jaejoong made me forget the world, made me forget that my girlfriend just threw herself off a building, made me forget that I still have a job to go to and parents to take care of, made me forget that I had to make a call to Junsu before he freaks out, made me forget that Changmin will come back from America some day next week, and made me forget that I had a fish in my apartment and it had not been fed for three days.
Jaejoong made me forget that I was Jung Yunho - a common salaryman who has a dead girlfriend, parents, friends and a fish; a pathetic excuse of a man whose life ended and began in a span of a day.
“You are so beautiful, Yunho-ya…so, so beautiful.” He mouthed from somewhere around my groin, voice muffled as I screamed his name out loud - Kim Jaejoong, Kim Jaejoong, Kim…Jae…joong - ahhhh!
With him, I was simply beautiful.
--
If only life let me go that easily. Reality has a way to catch you unguarded, with thoughts of things you need to do and ought to do, and reminders of who you are and what will happen if you do what you do. It was inevitable that by day four that I started to feel nervous and edgy, because I was scared that Jaejoong will get tired of my vine-gripped existence in his life. He noticed that how tensed I was when I was too distracted to respond to his kisses, and suggested that I go back to my place to sort things out, to get my thoughts and feelings organized.
“You can come back here when you’re done with things, Yunho-ya. There’s a key on the table with the green keychain…it’s yours now.”
A pregnant pause, silent but deafening.
“It has always been yours.”
Jaejoong had said this while leaning against the doorframe and watching me put on my clothes, his gaze intense and almost suffocating. I could not look at him, he was gorgeous and if I look I would want to make love to him again, and I was sure it was not good for him to be made love to so many times. He could have felt so sore down below.
I felt sad as my clothes hid me little by little from him - as if there was a barrier that I had erected between us. I glanced at him, saw his unsmiling eyes glimmered with invisible tears and I finally could not take it anymore and turned to kiss him breathless. He was almost tearful as he clung to my arms, his bare skin rubbing against my rough denim and I remember feeling insanely jealous at a piece of clothing.
“I’ll be back, Jaejoong…I promise.”
He nodded and smiled, and I fell in love again.
--
I did not go back to my place until day six.
Junsu was already there, sleeping on my couch. He had yelled at me for making him worried sick, and shoved a warning memo from our company which I binned after I read it. Quickly, I made a call to my boss, asking him for a much-needed holiday - I deserved it after all the holidays I had foregone these past years, but he said I had used all of it from the six days that I was absent from work. I cursed under my breath and he heard, and it was no surprise that less than a minute later, I was jobless.
I had laughed when I finally put my phone down, and Junsu’s mouth was agape, shocked.
“What the hell were you thinking??”
“Nothing. It slipped off my tongue.”
Junsu grumbled and frown for a few seconds, and then he sighed and took one of my hands in his. There were dark smudges under his eyes; clearly he had not been sleeping well for days.
“Yunho…stop doing this to yourself. I’m sorry about what happened to Hyejin…but things will get better, Yun. It always does.”
I smiled at Junsu, kissing his tired eyes once. I was sorry that I made Junsu worry for me, but really, there was nothing to be worried of. I felt no pain anymore, not for her at the very least. In my mind and in my heart then there was only Kim Jaejoong, my sweet lovely Kim Jaejoong, and he was waiting for me.
“It already does, Su.”
Junsu had hugged me close and wept. I did not know why he did, but I held him as he broke into tears in my arms, and I felt like he was the one more saddened by Hyejin’s death than I was. Maybe he did, now that I think of it, Hyejin had always been his best friend too; Hyejin, Junsu, Changmin and I - the four of us on a cloud of our own painting a future that we often dreamt and talked about. Hyejin lived in Junsu’s memories as much as she had lived in mine - but that’s all there was to her - a memory. She left and I could not even bother to want to remember her. Bitter? Maybe. I realized then that I do not deal with being the one left behind so easily.
I went into the room that I had shared with Hyejin, and I remember feeling nothing when I saw our picture on the table. My goldfish was still alive, thanks to Junsu who probably had been the one to save the poor neglected creature. I went to the balcony, opened the door and stood outside, trying to extend my neck to see if I could spot Jaejoong’s apartment complex from my house. I chuckled when I realized I could not have seen the building, Jaejoong lived in the middle of the city while my place was at the quieter part of the town. All I could see was a school field, some trees, children running, fighting and laughing, and the old radio station where Hyejin, Junsu, Changmin and I used to climb to its rooftop and sang our hearts out.
I let Junsu made me coffee as I packed some stuffs - the basics, several pair of shirts and pants (I never knew then I would have no use of so much clothes with Jaejoong), my favorite pajama boxer and some of my briefs. Half cup of Junsu’s too-sweet coffee and several minutes later, I was back on the road, one hand clutching my duffel bag and another hand carrying my small fish bowl.
--
I went to visit my parents next. Freshly showered and shaven, I looked every bit like the son they have always been proud of, so I was confused when my mother had cried dejectedly when she saw me at the door - not a word uttered upon seeing her only son. She knew about what happened to Hyejin, probably from Junsu, and she was clearly devastated. My father was silent, but I saw his quivering lips and the quiet accusation in his eyes; it was not hard to sense that he blamed me for her suicide. Hyejin was as much their child as I was, and they loved her because she had always been the one who were supposed to be in my future, bearing my name and my unborn babies.
“I didn’t kill her, Appa. She killed herself.”
I defended myself. My mother was crying softly behind me when my father looked up, disgusted.
“You have no remorse.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“She was hurting, Yunho. You never listen, did you? She told us, and she told you, but you never listen.”
My lips tightened as I heard this. I had come home to find solace in my parents, but even they had wanted to throw me further into the depressing darkness for something I had no hand in doing.
“I shouldn’t have come back. Not for this. She left me, Appa. I didn’t do this to her, she did.”
He had never hurt me once in my entire life, and that day, my father slapped me hard until I stumbled back and fell to the floor. He was one foot shorter, yet his callous hand had the weight of experience and disappointment in it; and I could probably chipped a tooth if he continues to pounce had my mother not intervened and put herself between two raging Jung’s men.
“I am ashamed of you, Yunho! You hurt her and not even man enough to admit you did!”
“I didn’t! If she’s hurt, I would have known!”
“Did you listen to her? You didn’t, did you?! She came here crying about you and you tell me you would have known if she was hurt? God what have I done to have a child so heartless…”
I was confused by my father’s words. I can’t remember anything about Hyejin hurting and crying. I would have remembered it if she had said anything, I always did. My father was not making any sense, and I was tired of being the one who always disappoint. They said they loved both of us, but I wondered why it was enough to feel pity for her departure but not enough to feel a wee bit of empathy for me. I had always known I was only the side bit to make way for her existence anyway - they have always wanted a pretty daughter, not a pretty son.
Later, I went back to Jaejoong’s place without eating dinner. My mother packed me kimchi jjigae enough to stuff me up for days, but when I got to his place, I smelled that he was making the same thing and I did not even falter for a single second when I threw the pack quietly into a bin outside the apartment.
He kissed me desperately when I opened the door and we made love on the kitchen table, his feet dangling from the side and I never want to eat anything else that does not have Jaejoong’s taste in it from that moment forward.
He flavored my life.
--
Changmin came back from America and called me the minute he stepped off the plane at Incheon Airport. Of course I had not known this because I was already living at Jaejoong’s place, but Junsu told me about his voice message when I came back to pack more of my stuffs to bring to my new home.
“Changmin is back, Yun.”
“Oh.”
That was my reply when Junsu had told me the news. I could not explain the sudden lack of enthusiastic response; this was my little brother we are talking about, the closest person I have to be a little brother at the very least. We grew up together; his family was my neighbor since as long as I could remember. Being the only child in our families, we seek one another for company. He was always trailing me everywhere, and I am proud to say I had taught him most of the things that he could not have learned in class, and vice versa. We climbed trees and explored the abandoned sewer, made kites from textbook pages and scrapped our knees trying to fly them, and ate wild berries and suffered from itchy lips together for a week. Our mothers treated us like we were brothers, and we were always in each other’s home, sleeping over and laughing at secret jokes past our bedtime. We were so close, Changmin my little brother and I, even when his parents divorced and he moved away with his mother and I moved into my own apartment when I got into college. Changmin used to come to my place after school and bothered me with his homework, and so I had missed him when he finally got the chance to go and study abroad. Separated and far from each other, that had never deter me from believing that I could always fall back to this brotherhood.
I made a note to call him later, making excuses that he must have been exhausted from the long journey and needed time to recuperate. Junsu had eyed me suspiciously, and asked where I was staying at. I told him I was staying at a cheap motel, needing some time to get away from my own apartment and all the bits of Hyejin still living everywhere in it. Another excuse made and rolled easily off my tongue.
“You could stay at my place, Yun.”
“No. I need this time away…from things or people that remind me of her.”
Junsu looked hurt by my words. He turned his back to me and picked a picture frame from the bookshelf. It was the three of us during a Halloween party back when we were in college - Junsu was a vampire, I was a tiger and Hyejin was a cat. Junsu showed the picture frame to me and smiled a little sad smile, all the while brushing the dusts that had found their place on the frame.
“I’ll look over this place, okay? Have your time and come back fresh-“
“Junsu-ya..”
“-I miss my best friend.”
I walked off the short distance between us and hugged him. I never meant to hurt him, but I also did not want to be here any second longer. As quickly as I can, I grabbed the stuffs that I had wanted to take - my important letters and files, a Disney plush toy that has been with me for ages, and all of my briefs and boxers. The air in the apartment pressed so painfully in my lungs, and I found it hard to breathe properly. Hyejin was still here somehow, I could feel her haunting the bed, the shower and the kitchen, hovering around the laundry and the balcony, trying to make her way back into my heart, and I could not stand it. She was not going to leave me as easily as she had thrown herself off the building.
“Su-ah, can you lease out this place? I don’t think I’ll be coming back here anymore, except to pack the rest of my things.”
“Where are you going to stay after I do that? You can’t stay in a motel forever. You don’t even have a job!”, Junsu’s voice was rushed and worried. I just shrugged, knowing well Jaejoong was there for me.
“I’ll find myself a place and a job. Don’t worry. Can you help me this once, Su?”
Junsu nodded hesitantly, his frown creasing deeper upon his forehead as he looked around the apartment, probably thinking what he had done in the past life to be burdened by this crazy friend of his.
“I’m sorry for everything, Junsu-ya. Thank you so much for your help, I do owe you a lot. But I really must go now.”
--
Jagged breaths and shorted moans, I knew I would treasure each and every slither of Jaejoong’s desire that I ever had the chance to cup in my hands, under me and on top of me, till the day I perish. Pleasure was nothing before I touched him, every sensations climbing their way to new heights as his hands roamed on my skin, and his kisses drugged me into oblivion of everything else. Jaejoong was an expert at making me scream, I remember shifting and molding to his planes, curves and twisting limbs as I struggled to get closer, to bury deeper in our passions for each other. He made me ache with a prickly sweet sickness and cure me of it, he made want to die and live in his soul.
Jaejoong had this habit of biting upon the skin of my neck until it reddened from his sharp teeth. Sometimes, it bordered on drawing blood, and I had to stop my sweet vampire from drinking from me more than he already was. He would laugh, cheerful and loud, and tickled my sides till I fall victim to his merciless fingers, gasping for breaths as I guffawed to rival him.
“I love you, Yunho-ya…”
He said this as we tried to chase oxygen into our lungs, my body half-sprawled on top of his. I was holding his hands above his head and breathing in his scent, our mouths inches from one another and heaving chests plastered with sweats and the feels of each other. I remember his eyes had bled dark onyx, the color of want and fervor. But I also saw something else there, something red and fiery, something that I had never seen before in anyone else’s beside Jaejoong’s.
Passion and love mixed deliriously as he stared deep into my eyes, and I felt a choking lump in my throat - I was overwhelmed. He cared for me. He loved me. I was a stranger to pure love that when I saw one, I almost kneel down in humble gratitude for the chance to see it. Jaejoong’s lips quivered as seconds passed by without my answer.
“Do you not love me, Yunho-ya?”
He asked quietly as I was lost in reverie over the splendor I had found in my arms. I saw the glint of insecurity flickering in his eyes and immediately I burned. I kissed him half a second after, wanting to turn into ashes with a taste of Kim Jaejoong in my being.
“Of course I love you, Jaejoong. I love you. I’ve never love or is loved as thoroughly as I do with you.”
He smiled with his swollen lips, and my heart soared, proud of us and our love.
“I will always love you, Yunho-ya…will always love you.”
I kissed my way down his heated body. It was almost two weeks since we met that day at the train station and we had made love so many times since then, but I was as infatuated by his beautiful body as I had been the first few times we had mated. His skin would color a deep shade of pink as I lick and suck, and then I would feel ripples of tremors and pleasure course through him as I bite and soothe the reddened skin with my cold tongue. He had squirmed impatiently as I touched him, his hands darting everywhere to grab me, but I told him to wait for me, to wait as I brought us both to the very edge where he would then beg to take a plunge into that dark blissful abyss with me, for me.
“Ahh…Unn…Nghh..”
Every times Jaejoong panted, a surge of glory ran through me, and I felt myself getting hardened just by listening to him. He bit my hand that was holding him still; too beleaguered by the onslaught of sensations I was putting him through to keep still underneath me.
“Let me touch, Yunho-ya…”
“Not yet. Not- umm- yet.”
“I-ahh! I want- unhh- please! I want to make you feel!”
“You already did, baby…see for yourself.”
I turned so that he could see what he had done to me without even a slightest touch of his finger. I love the way his eyes widened when he saw my cock, a throbbing and weeping length of desire that ached to bury itself in his warmth. Jaejoong reached a hand out, and this time I let him do as he pleased. He thumbed the sensitive head and I hissed, and suddenly the roles were reversed. My hands and limbs became lax, and I was a slave begging for my master’s good favor. He continued fisting me out of coherent thoughts, making me moaned his name until I came dreamy-white all over his chest and neck. He kissed my turgid cock one last time before licking it clean, and I groaned out the rest of my orgasm into a second full-bodied spurt into his mouth.
“You are beautiful like this, my Yunho-ya…so, so beautiful. I love you so much.”
Jaejoong spoke slowly as if enunciating every feeling he felt into the words uttered, and I wanted to weep from the sheer joy. I turned and pulled him up on top of me, feeling him slithered like a devilish snake on my burning skin, and I kissed him deeply, tasting myself on his tongue. He licked my face like a kitten would to milk, and I chuckled, amused and warmed by his attention.
In our bed he was my Jaejoong, a soul chained to my own, and I had wanted nothing more than his love for me at that moment. I knew then that my happiness would only come in the shape of Jaejoong in the future.
I had wanted nothing else.
--
A week after, I called Changmin and he was beyond elated when he heard my voice. I was bombarded by his questions, my ever curious little brother, and I answered vaguely to each one of them. He was not convinced of course, and insisted that we met. I agreed and told Jaejoong this as he cleaned his camera, eyes not looking at me but he nodded as I arranged my words into careful sentences.
“Go and come back soon…”, I smiled and nodded, but he was not finished, “…And don’t fall in love with Shim Changmin.”
I had laughed at his misplaced jealousy and shuffled his hair. He was not amused, his lips tight and eyes wary, but I pouted and made silly faces until I coaxed a thin smile to appear on his cherry lips.
Changmin and I met at a quiet Japanese restaurant that he liked since high school. Tea leaf steeping in our pot and perfuming the air, we discussed about his life, and I remember trying to maneuver out of discussing mine. Changmin was nothing but sharp, and he made me wince when he asked out loud about Hyejin - with Changmin there was no beating around the bushes like many would have attempted or preferred.
“I’m sorry, hyung, but I need to know. Why did Hyejin-noona kill herself? Did she leave any note?”
I poured an over-steeped tea into our cups and shook my head. “No note. Apparently she had gone to my parents complaining about not being happy with me, but that’s it. I didn’t even remember her saying anything of the sorts to me before, so really Min-ah…I don’t know why she did what she did. And I don’t think knowing about it now would make any difference. She did what she did with a conscious mind, and I had no choice or chance to stop it.”
Changmin touched my hand for a second and withdrew when he realized I could feel his hand trembling, “Hyung-ah…are you really okay? Junsu-hyung said you were a wreck when he saw you, and that you asked him to lease out your apartment…He also said that you were fired from your job.”
I smiled genuinely, pushing my glasses further up my nose and nodding, “I’m okay, really. About the job, I’m working on it. I need a vacation anyway. Don’t listen to Junsu, Min-ah. You know he likes to make a drama out of every little thing.”
“So where are you staying now?”
“At a friend’s.”
“A friend? Someone we know?”
I shook my head. “No, not someone you or Junsu know.”
Changmin eyed me in the same way Junsu did when I told him I was staying at a motel. I did not know why I had felt the need to hide Jaejoong from my closest friends, but my instinct told me that they do not need such information, and if they know, they will probably ask me to stop seeing Jaejoong or dig into his profiles without my knowledge. I did not want them to hurt Jaejoong, because I was scared I would be forced to choose between him and them - and that I would not even blink when I take my pick.
I love Changmin my little brother and Junsu my best friend, but no one could compare to my love for Jaejoong my lover and my soul.
--
I had never felt as liberated as I had felt when I was with Jaejoong. I love watching him move, on our bed and outside of it. It was as if he danced for me, light feet merely touching the ground because his wings had been clipped and torn apart by angry souls jealous of his beauty. I saw him walk in front of me and I had to chew on the inside of my mouth to stop myself from drawing him near, but then he looked back and winked and my control snapped like a twig crushed under heavy feet. I just had to drag him near, pull him into my embrace and keep him there for as long as it needed to brandish his existence into my skin. Jaejoong would purr like a well-fed kitten when I cuddled him like that, protective of him, a human armor that would fight and die for him. I did not want to share him with anyone else.
When he worked, his face would transform, his beauty taking a different aura altogether; cold, aloof and mysterious. I felt pride swelled in my chest when I looked at the creases furrowed between his brows as he looked through the brown films of pictures he had taken before he met me. If I squinted I could almost make out the outline of hands clasping, feet walking side by side, and bodies in an embrace, but I could see no faces on the shiny film. Dressed in my shirt and his brief, he would sit on the couch with one knee propped against his chest and me peering up at him, studying him as he studied his photos, one of his hands brushing my hair and massaging my itchy scalp. Contented and spoiled to the brim by his love, I moaned into his stomach, wishing that what I had then would never end. I could not even think of a day without Jaejoong by my side, near me to hold and to touch.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
“Hmm?”
“Let’s take pictures together, you and I. I want to have you and me forever…I want to see you with me forever.”
Jaejoong looked down at me, eyes so pretty under the long lashes that were fanning his cheeks as he touched my face, fingers brushing the scars and minute details of my features. I felt ridiculously beautiful then, he was holding me as if I was fragile crystal that would break under the power of his touch. His fingers were warm against my skin, and I smiled at him, waiting patiently for his answer. He could not have denied me my wish, could he?
“I’ll take pictures of you if you want to, Yunho-ya. But none of me. I…want to be remembered as you remember me. If you choose to remember me as an ugly creature with missing tooth and balding head, furs patched in places and tail burnt from accident, then let me be. I’d be that imperfect ugly creature for you, Yunho-ya. Remember me in your mind, because what can be captured by pictures were temporary, tangible moments that you’d cease to appreciate once you forget the warmth and let others taint your memories of me. I want my touches to scorch you even after I am not here anymore, my smiles to freeze you even when you could not really see it, not a mere photograph that show you a cold portrayal of who I am, a snapshot of my love for you that in truth, runs deeper and longer than time. See me now, and remember me as I am…as you want me to be…as I want you to, Yunho-ya.”
“Don’t ever leave me.” My voice sounded choked, unlike me but very much me. “Please don’t.”
“I won’t. I live here, on you and under you, inside of you and all over you, holding you and being held by you. Always together, forever and one day.”
A hot trail of tears left my eye, and he thumbed it, catching the salty moisture on his finger. He sucked it clean from his thumb, taking my sorrow inside him, and he smiled, his own eyes glassy and I could almost see his bare soul behind the warmth of his gaze. Hair tumbled down across one brow, skin flushed from the heat of the end of summer; my Jaejoong looked the handsomest ever.
That was the way I had always remember him, beautiful and honest and giving. My heart breaks as I talk about him now, but he lives like that in my mind, moving pictures of dainty loveliness - always perfect, warm and unblemished. I want to always be able to remember him this way.
--
Humans dream and want. And when they do, they forget the promises and principles they have build for themselves, stumbling over their own failure to not dream things and want things. It is pitiful really, because in the end we have no control over what we do, our souls itching to be free while we put a chain of rules to them - which ends up with us throwing our souls into the open after the struggle. And then comes the regret.
I am a human too, and a weak one at that. Despite my pledge that I would want nothing but Jaejoong, I was plagued by the want to live in the world I have lived before. It was the place where I had ran away from, but it was also the place where my whole life before Jaejoong had been built. As much as I wanted to forget, there were things and people I could not ignore because of the special places they held in my heart. The said people include Changmin and Junsu. I simply missed them.
Jaejoong and I were lounging on the couch watching the old Disney cartoons when I mentioned about Changmin. He was lying with his head on my chest, body pinned in between my legs. The day was a bit chilly because of last night’s rain, and he was all fluffed out comfortable in his boxer and oversized jumper as he cuddled close to me.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
“Hmm?”
“I want to go and see my friends.”
“You’ve seen them before. It’s that Kim Junsu and Shim Changmin, no?”
“Yes, but I kind of miss them. Since Changmin came home, I only met him once.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm?”
“Hmm.”
I was getting irritated. “What do you mean by ‘hmm’?”
He pushed himself up, staring at me behind the curtain of his bangs. He was not pleased, I could tell from the icy gaze. My heart stopped beating for a full second.
“What do you want me to say?”
I huffed, suddenly angered by his cold reply.
“I don’t really need to ask for your permission, you know. It’s just that I thought you would want to know that I’m going to go and meet my friends.”
His lips stretched into a thin-lipped smirk, expression unreadable. My stomach churned and my insides knotted.
“Well, I don’t really want to know. You can do whatever you want. It’s not like I could have stop you.”
I bit my lower lips, I hate arguing with him. Jaejoong could say the most hurtful things, his blunt honesty an unwelcome weapon that easily knocked me off my feet and I was defeated, whipped by the strong hold his words had on me.
“You know it’s not that, baby-“
“Don’t ‘baby’ me!”
“Why are you yelling at me?!”
“Why are you yelling at me??!!”, he asked in a hissing shout, moving to get away from me. I grabbed his elbow and he twisted free, almost making me fall out of the couch from his harshness.
“Jaejoong baby please-”
“I’m going to make some tea.” He cut me off and padded to the kitchen, disappearing from my sight. I did not hear any sound coming from the kitchen, not even the anticipated sound of running water pouring into the kettle if he was really going to brew tea. Seconds passed and still there was no sound. Then I heard metal clinked with the tile counter and I panicked for reasons I did not even know. Jumping up, I ran to the kitchen and I was glad I was quick to do so when I saw him at the sink, just about to cut his veins open.
“What the hell are you trying to do?!”
I yelled as I knocked the knife from his hand, the sharp blade precariously falling near my own feet. His face was downcast as he trembled visibly, and I pulled him into my arms - my broken insecure kitten and a fool in love.
“Stupid! It’s you who told me that dying would not solve anything! Take revenge! Do something! You said that to me!”
“But it is for you, Yunho-ya! You’re worth dying for!”
“Don’t say that! How could you say that! You promised never to leave me and now you tried to do this…”
Jaejoong cried and clutched to my chest, burrowing his face into the crook of my neck. His body shook as he continued raining my shirt with his tears, mouthing repeated ‘sorry’s on the knitted threads.
I felt tears pricked behind my eyes as I held him. This was the person I had come to love more than life itself, and he was making attempt at leaving me. How would I survive another lover killing themselves because of me?
“Why did you do this to me, Jae…” My heart was broken, shattered to jagged pieces that pierced into my insides. I felt like puking, but I was not angry at Jaejoong. My mind was blurry and hazy, knowing nothing and thinking of everything.
Jaejoong’s answer was muffled against my chest, voice small and unsure, “I thought…you don’t want me anymore. You love Shim Changmin…and Kim Junsu…”
A ragged sigh tore out from my mouth, God, how could he be so - “Stupid. They are my friends, my brothers.”
“Who am I to you, Yunho-ya?”
“A lover. You are my lover…my heart, my soul, my life. You are everything that make me and break me. My Jaejoong. My foolish and stupid Kim Jaejoong, because he tried to hurt himself and he hurts me by even thinking about it.”
“I’m really sorry, Yunho-ya…I’m really sorry.” He sobbed brokenly, face flushed and I felt him shrunk into a tiny ball of shivering mess as I held him tight and rocked him gently against me.
“Shh, baby. It’s okay…it’s okay.”
“I want…to be all there is for you, Yunho-ya.”
“Baby-”
“You’re my everything, Yunho-ya…my everything. I can’t live without you. I can’t…I can’t let you go. I can’t.”
I sighed and kissed his hair. Jaejoong clung harder than anyone I have ever met, but I did not feel the sharpness of his claws at that time. For me, it was utterly endearing - almost adorable even. The fact that I had become his sole attention point, the centre of his universe, made me want to burst and turn into a star so I could shine on him forever.
“Jaejoong baby, you’re all there is for me, to me. But Changmin and Junsu are important to me too. I can’t dismiss them from my life just like that.”
“But you did that to your parents. Why can’t you do it with them?”
My lips tightened at the mention of the ghosts of the parents that I used to have. I held Jaejoong tighter, and he yelped as my arms welted around him - punishment of a sort and also a way to make him understand, see reason.
“My parents do not love me. Maybe they did once, but they stopped loving me at some point, probably when they realized I wasn’t really cut out the way they had try to mold me and I was more a disappointment to them than I was a son. Changmin and Junsu love me, Jaejoong-ah. They were there when I fell from my bike and skinned my knee, they were there the first time I was rejected by a girl, and also there when I nearly ran away from home after my dad told me my exam result was not good enough. They have also been there when I successfully ride a kilometer on my bike, when I got myself a girlfriend and when I finally passed college entrance exam. Because they were always there, I want them to be able to see how much I have come to love you, how much you have changed me and made me happy…because if anything, I love you more than I have ever love anyone, and they ought to witness that because they are my best of friends, my brothers. Do you get me, baby?”
Jaejoong shivered, but I felt him nodding slightly to my question. He heaved himself up, and I caught him against me. He whispered a heartfelt final ‘sorry’ into my ear, and I nodded, forgave.
“Take me to our bed, please. I want you to make love to me, the way that only you could do and know how. I need to make you mine again, just to stop this crazy thought I’m having in my head about you running away with someone else and leaving me here nursing my wound.”
“I won’t ever hurt you, won’t ever leave you.”
“Please make me yours again, make us ours again. Please.”
I acquiesced and scooped him up, his legs winding tightly around my waist as I waddled to our room. We never made it there, the couch seemingly ready for the business we had in minds. I shed him off his clothes with extra tenderness, as if he was a delicate flower I was afraid would wither if I was as much as touch him a bit too hard. Our lovemaking was gentle unlike our usual frenzied fervors, and I cherished this man I had found, my own broken rag-doll that had wanted nothing else but my love. As he took me deep inside him, feeling me pounced against his frazzled nerves, I saw him cried into his release and my heart clutched in razor-sharp barbwires - I had hurt my Jaejoong.
Kissing his temple, I swore to myself that I would mend him as much as he had mended me. He pulled me out of the murky water of my depression when I was about to drown and showed me rainbows of hope, and how could I repay him by making him cried and worried. I could have bludgeoned myself to death by the mere thought, but I knew if I do that I would only hurt him further, which was really a double-edged sword because it will kill me too.
Beneath my love-wrecked mind, I could still sense a curiosity lurking dangerously. There were missing puzzles in our lives; I did not know anything about Jaejoong’s past while he had known almost all of mine. I wanted to love him as thoroughly as I could, and I thought I should ask him more of it later. Why was he insecure, why was he afraid of me leaving him, why did he love so intensely - there were so many questions I had no answer to and was eager to find out.
I never thought my curiosity would bring to me to what I know now.
Part 2