mearii87: Happiness Is (Part 2/2)

[iasfm]

Part 1

Jaejoong doesn't move from Yunho's side.

He blames himself for this. Somehow, somewhere along the line, he knows he slipped up, knows he allowed something to happen, and Yunho had gotten hurt. Yunho had almost died. And now they are stuck in this sweltering, dirty station until Changmin decides that Yunho is well enough to move.

Jaejoong hopes that it's soon. Changmin’s going half mad trying to keep the station master at bay and Yunho healthy, Yoochun admits to him that he’s having trouble breathing in the thick air, something he didn’t have to worry about at the other station, and Junsu hasn't written anything in his notebook since the incident. Jaejoong fears that if they don't leave soon, Junsu will never write again.

So Jaejoong stays up at night. Watching as Yunho sleeps, careful and attentive, hour after hour, the minutes stretching into days, stopping only to take a moment to eat or drink so long as it’s placed in front of him and he doesn’t have to leave Yunho alone.

Junsu sits next to him, silent, passive, the occasional tear leaking out from the corner of his eye that is quickly wiped away. Sometimes Jaejoong takes a moment to pat his hair and Junsu will lean his head onto Jaejoong’s knee. They fall asleep like that, waking only when Yunho moans so that Jaejoong drips water into his mouth or Changmin comes to make sure they take a bathroom break.

“You have to go lay down on a bed,” Changmin tries to convince him, “Please, Jaejoong, I don’t want to end up with two sick people.”

“I’ll sleep here,” Jaejoong says.

“You can’t,” Changmin says, “You can’t jostle him. Please, Jaejoongie, Yunho would want you to rest.”

Jaejoong pouts. “On the floor then. You can bring pillows.”

It’s certainly more comfortable than a chair and with Junsu snug up against him, and Yunho’s shallow breathing coming from up above, Jaejoong can almost pretend that everything is normal.

Two days later, Yunho finally wakes up.

“I think,” Changmin says from the doorway, as Jaejoong presses his face into Yunho’s palm, “Junsu actually cried more than Jaejoong.”

Yunho smiles weakly.

“Are you hungry?” Jaejoong asks, “I’ll go make you some broth or something. Anything to make you stronger so we can get out of here.”

“‘Kay,” Yunho whispers, and Jaejoong kisses him before bolting out of the door.

“He never left your side,” Changmin says.

Yunho smiles again, closing his eyes and petting the top of Junsu’s head. “I know.”

It takes Yunho a day before he sits up. Jaejoong frets endlessly, smoothing the dirty pillows and tucking the worn blankets around him more firmly.

“You’re such a worrier,” Yunho says.

“Only for you,” Jaejoong replies.

“You’re less pretty when you lie.”

Jaejoong sighs before lying down and carefully pooling his head onto Yunho’s lap. “So maybe I worry about the other three. Yoochun’s having a hard time breathing in this air,” he confides, “Changmin’s so busy taking care of you and yelling at the station master that he and Yoochun spend less time together which results in Yoochun being sad and mopey. And Changmin knows it but he can’t do anything about it and Junsu is going stir crazy because it isn’t safe for him to leave the inn and we just,” Jaejoong takes a breath, “We need to leave. Hurry up and get better so we can leave.”

“So it’s all my fault?”

“Yes,” Jaejoong whines, “Yes, it is. We need you. I need you,” he amends. “I thought--I thought I was going to lose you. It was really scary.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Yunho promises.

Changmin starts to teach them how to sign with their hands so that Junsu doesn’t always have to write. “Aren’t I clever to have brought this book along?” He asks, as he pores over the text.

“What would we do without you?” Yoochun muses and has to dive for cover when Changmin starts to chuck pillows at him.

“Why do I know you?”

Yoochun just laughs and takes up refuge behind Yunho who is trying very hard to keep a straight face. “Please don’t hit me,” he says, “I’m still very fragile.”

Changmin stops, but the scowl on his face doesn’t go away.

Jaejoong clucks his tongue. “It’s fun,” he says, “It’s easier than Junsu having to write everything down.”

YES, Junsu shoves his notebook in everyone’s face.

Changmin bats it away. “You know how to sign yes by now.”

When Changmin bends down to examine more symbols, Junsu makes a rude gesture at him behind his back. Yunho frowns and says, “I’m not sure that’s the sort of signing we should be learning,” making Yoochun double over with laughter and have to lean on Jaejoong for support.

Changmin looks up suspiciously but Junsu gives a very innocent look and signs, What?.

“Just for the record, I don’t trust you and your angelic smile.”

Junsu pulls out his notebook. I might be planning to kill you in your sleep.

Changmin drops the book onto the floor and makes a dive for Junsu, effectively rendering the rest of the lesson useless.

When Yunho is able to stand on his feet and walk down the stairs (albeit slowly and holding tightly onto the railing,) Changmin deems them ready to leave. Jaejoong’s sure he’s never seen Yoochun smile so widely.

“I can’t wait to be able to breathe properly.”

“I can’t wait to never hear you complain again,” Changmin replies, but his hand is soothing on Yoochun’s back. Jaejoong smiles faintly.

“I think we’re all excited to leave,” he says.

They pack their things even without a plan of action. Junsu is the fastest, shoving his scarce belongings into a sack and tossing it by the door. Changmin spends the night carefully organizing his trunk with Yoochun watching him eagerly, reaching out every so often to brush their souls. It keeps Changmin calm for the most part.

Oddly enough, it’s Junsu that finally broaches the topic they’ve all been avoiding.

Let’s go onto the secondary track.

Jaejoong has to grab the notebook and reads it several times over. He looks at Changmin who’s maintaining a very neutral facial expression.

It can’t be worse than what we’re dealing with now.

“I’m not sure about that,” Changmin says, “It’s quite possible that it might be worse.”

So we turn around, Junsu writes.

“You have such a sense of adventure,” Changmin says, and Yoochun smothers his face with a pillow. Jaejoong briefly worries about Changmin’s air supply.

“Everyone else thinks it’s a good idea,” Yoochun says and pokes Changmin’s side as he tries to wiggle out of Yoochun’s hold.

“When did I say that?” Yunho asks.

“See,” Changmin’s voice says from where his face is squished into the bed, “I’m not the only hesitant one.”

“Jaejoong thinks that it’s a good idea,” Yoochun says.

Jaejoong blinks. He hadn’t said it, but he had been thinking about it, maybe. “Yeah,” he says, “I do.”

“Therefore Yunho will go,” Yoochun says, “Which leaves you, the youngest, which means you are obligated to shut up. The end.”

“Hey now,” Yunho frowns, “Jaejoong doesn’t speak for me. I think we need to be a little bit more cautious.”

It’s just the secondary track, Junsu writes, the characters becoming messier as his frustration grows. And would you really let Jaejoong go somewhere you aren’t?

“What is he writing?” Changmin says from where Yoochun is now sitting on the upper half of his body to keep him from moving.

“Yoochun let him up,” Yunho says.

“He’s my Compatible,” Yoochun replies, “You worry about your own.”

Jaejoong fights off an urge to sigh and roll his eyes. “Okay, let’s all be done being adolescent, please.” He turns to Yunho. “It’s not the wilderness or anything,” he says, stroking Yunho’s forearm, “There are stations and places to stay, even if there aren’t many. We get more time together,” he adds, “We get more time away from the rest of the world. It’ll be alright.”

“And we have Changmin,” Yoochun says, and pinches his Compatible’s butt when he tries to protest.

Yunho purses his lips.

Please? Junsu signs.

Jaejoong wraps his hand in Yunho’s when he gives in and squeezes. “Thank you.”

Yunho pouts. “You owe me.”

“I’ll pay up,” Jaejoong promises, leaning in close by Yunho’s ear.

Yunho’s blush is adorable.

Jaejoong’s always loved traveling; he’s always loved the unknown, and venturing onto the less-traveled train track feels like a new page in his life.

Yunho is still weak on his feet, even if he can walk, and Jaejoong helps him up onto the train carefully, following Changmin to the single suite of rooms they got solely because of his status. Jaejoong doesn’t want to think about the Compatibles they may have unintentionally kicked out; the thought of them already having “enemies” is not at all pleasant.

But after the first few nights, he relaxes. They are, for the most part, left alone, and it’s liberating.

They don’t see Changmin and Yoochun for a few days.

Junsu keeps throwing the side room very suspicious looks -- Jaejoong suspects that Junsu feels as though he’s being ignored -- but he amuses himself with the signing book and the three of them (Jaejoong, Yunho, and Junsu) get relatively good at making small talk.

“Have they eaten at all?” Yunho asks, throwing a nervous glance at the compartment door which is currently glowing bright.

“Not while I’ve been up,” Jaejoong shrugs, and assumes they eat at night when the others are sleeping.

Yoochun finally comes out on the fifth day looking more rested than Jaejoong’s ever seen him. “I can breathe,” he says, before Junsu crashes into him and they topple onto the floor. Changmin saunters out, throwing a disgusted look at the writhing pile of limbs on the floor, and asks Jaejoong, “What’s for dinner?”

After a week of traveling, Yunho is well enough to get up and walk around on his own but he stays on the train because none of the stations look appealing. While they seem neat and orderly, no one cares, hoping the next station or the one after will be something they haven’t seen before.

The only person who departs for short periods of time is Jaejoong, but solely to buy food, and even then he doesn’t venture very far, always dragging Changmin along with him.

“I feel used,” Changmin says every time, and they trade punches all the way there and back.

“Make him stop,” Jaejoong asks Yunho, “One day I’m going to come back without an arm.”

“Stop it,” Yoochun says, before Yunho can open his mouth.

“Are you trying to boss me around?” Changmin asks dryly, “You’re only allowed to do that in the bedroom.”

“You little--“ Yoochun starts and chases a smirking Changmin into their separate compartment. No one sees them for awhile, which Jaejoong is okay with because he doesn’t really think he can deal with any more of their bantering. He likes to cook in peace.

Changmin comes out as the sun starts to set and wanders over to Jaejoong.

A spoon is waved in his face. “It’s not ready yet, go back to Yoochun.”

“He’s still recovering,” Changmin grins, and Jaejoong hears Yunho choke on his own spit.

“Unnecessary information,” Jaejoong says, at the same time Yoochun yells incoherently from the other room.

“Oh, it’s always necessary,” Changmin insists and somehow manages to avoid Jaejoong’s fists, laughing.

A loud bang interrupts Changmin, and Jaejoong looks up with alarm to find Junsu on the floor, tangled around his own limbs. Jaejoong’s first thought is that he was hurt, but Junsu manages to get back on his feet before anyone can move and yanks Changmin to the window, pointing out of it excitedly.

“What is it?” Jaejoong asks, slightly alarmed.

“Oh,” Changmin says, “Wow.”

Changmin being wowed is not something that happens every day. Jaejoong hurries over, feeling Yunho and Yoochun come up behind him. Jaejoong expects to see red sand and maybe a person running to catch up to the train or something equally amusing, but he doesn’t.

Rather, outside the window is a sea of red lights, flashing and shining, stretching into lines as the train shoots past them.

Junsu is frantically trying to sign something but when no one responds, he pulls out his notebook and writes, almost illegibly, WHAT ARE THEY?

“Fireflies,” Changmin breathes, “I’ve heard--I’ve read about them, but I’ve never--“ He runs for his trunk and rifles through it, tossing books and contraptions out onto the floor in his haste. “Where is it? Please let me have brought it. Where did I put it?”

He emerges triumphantly, a book in hand that has “Secondary Track” emblazoned in gold on its leather cover. Junsu looks torn between watching outside of the window and looking over Changmin’s shoulder.

Yoochun solves the problem for him by dragging Changmin to stand by the window. “Red fireflies,” Changmin mutters, and the rest of his mumbled speech is completely incomprehensible as he becomes absorbed in his reading.

Jaejoong can’t tear his eyes away from the window. The fireflies are magical, that’s really the only word for them. They cast a glow through the window that looks like Yunho’s soul. “It’s--beautiful,” Yunho murmurs from behind Jaejoong and his arms come around Jaejoong carefully, leaning his weight onto him as they stand, mesmerized.

Words fail them and so they just stands there, content to be in awe.

It’s a nightly occurrence.

Junsu spends the next few days sitting up against the window and staring out at the landscape whizzing past. His notebook is filled with Fireflies! Did you see the fireflies, Jaejoong? Fireflies, fireflies, fireflies, Yunho-yah, they're the color of your soul! Changmin, tell me about the fireflies! YOOCHUN ONE LANDED ON YOUR HEAD.

The fireflies appear as the sun starts to set and they swarm all night, bobbing up and down, and blinking in and out as the train moves past them, sometimes slow, other times fast; Junsu always watches them.

I want to go out there, He writes, making Yoochun spit his coffee all over the floor.

It’s four to one; Changmin says no first because his book says very little about the fireflies save that, well, they’re fireflies. Yoochun agrees because when he doesn’t know what to do and he usually trusts Changmin to make the right decision. Yunho says no because he’s Yunho and he feels responsible and Jaejoong--Jaejoong’s just scared.

“I’ll not hesitate to tie you down,” Changmin says, “Stay inside. At least until we know more.”

You’re not in charge of me.

“No,” Jaejoong says, “But that doesn’t mean we can’t worry.”

I want to go out.

Yunho kicks them all out of the compartment, save Junsu, and Jaejoong doesn’t know what his Compatible says to make it better, but when Junsu comes to get them, he says that he won’t go out until they learn more.

“You’re a miracle worker,” Jaejoong whispers to Yunho as they watch Junsu and Changmin practice signing back and forth.

Yunho shrugs. “You just have to know how to talk to people, that’s all.”

“Miracles,” Jaejoong says, and kisses him.

Dinner is put off for awhile until Changmin starts screeching at them from the couch.

“Baby,” Jaejoong complains.

Yunho’s laughter makes it all better.

Junsu reads all of Changmin’s books during the day when the fireflies aren’t yet out. He enlightens them all about what he learns (even though Changmin had already told them everything which really wasn’t much at all) and they listen intently because as much as it is new and scary, it intrigues them all.

But he apparently can only take so much.

After a week of waiting, Jaejoong half-wakes one night when he hears the compartment door slide open and shut softly. Yunho's arm is around his middle and so Jaejoong throws a bleary gaze to Junsu's cot. Bathroom, he surmises, once he's able to make out that Junsu is gone.

He stretches, not in the least concerned, and snuggles into Yunho's side, smiling as Yunho's soul falls over his face sleepily like it's trying to give him kisses. He loves Yunho's soul. Loves the color of it, dark red as he guides the five of them into the unknown of the secondary track, bright red as he watches Junsu piece himself back together, soft pink when Jaejoong leans in to kiss Yunho breathless.

Jaejoong runs his fingers up and down Yunho's back, watching the color swirl around his fingertips like smoke. He is glad that their souls don't spark like Yoochun and Changmin's. Jaejoong loves that his and Yunho's souls just automatically meld together, that they reach out to touch even when they're not consciously aware of it, almost secretly as if they don't want anyone to know.

Yunho stirs beside him and Jaejoong turns his head a little to kiss his cheek. "Why'r'you up?" Yunho slurs.

"Just thinking," Jaejoong murmurs.

"Mmmboutwhat?"

Jaejoong waits a few seconds before saying quietly, "How happy you make me."

Yunho smiles, or tries too, and Jaejoong muffles a laugh. "Make m'happy toooo," Yunho breathes and his arm tightens almost imperceptibly.

Jaejoong winds their fingers together and lays for several minutes listening to Yunho's even breathing before it occurs to him that Junsu's still not back. He sits up, frowning. It hasn't been long and had they been on the Main track, he wouldn't have worried, but in a foreign environment it makes his skin crawl.

"S'wrong?" Yunho asks into his pillow.

"Junsu's not back," Jaejoong says, glaring at the Bereaved's bed as if Junsu's disappearance is its fault.

Yunho's head raises a few inches to stare at the empty bed. He sighs. "I'm sure he's just using the bathroom, Jaejoong." He hoists himself up and nuzzles a kiss onto the back of Jaejoong's neck and tells him to wait and he'll be right back and Junsu is fine, Yunho's sure of it.

Jaejoong wraps their blanket around his body as Yunho stumbles out of the door. It only takes a few minutes before the panic sets in and he realizes that he sent a half-awake Yunho out into the train to search for Junsu who could possibly be Not Okay and suddenly Jaejoong is sliding on his shoes ready to bolt if he hears screams.

Two minutes and Yunho’s back, his face pale, and Jaejoong feels his stomach drop to the floor.

“Bathroom?” he squeaks.

Yunho shakes his head, apparently having momentarily lost his ability to speak.

They turn the light on and Yunho stumbles around a bit before finding his shoes. “Maybe he went to sleep with Yoochun and Changmin,” Jaejoong says. They slide the other compartment door open, not bothering to be quiet, and flick the light on.

No Junsu.

Jaejoong swears. “Yoochun get up.”

Yoochun is sprawled over Changmin, blankets on the floor. Jaejoong hits both of them with a pillow until they tumble out of the bed, wiping sleepy grit from their eyes and shielding their faces from the light. Yoochun frowns.

“Junsu’s missing.”

It takes a little while to get the message across, but Changmin is soon swearing under his breath. After they search the train, their only option is to assume that Junsu decided to go outside of it, frustrated that no one would let him, and they don’t even talk or sign about it, just make for a car door.

The wind is warm on Jaejoong’s face.

Yunho is stuck to Jaejoong’s side like glue. Where do they even begin? They take a few tentative steps before deciding to wait for Yoochun and Changmin who come stumbling out of the doorway a few seconds later, still sleepy.

"We shouldn't split up," Yunho says.

They start methodically from where they are and go out a few feet to the left, scouring the semi-darkness in search of Junsu and trying to seeing around the millions of blinking red lights floating everywhere they turned.

"It's a like I'm drowning in a sea of red stars," Yoochun says, and Jaejoong doesn't know if he's grumbling about it, or just commenting.

He clutches Yunho’s hand tighter and they continue walking.

It feels as though they’ve been walking for miles before Jaejoong finally feels tears prick his eyes, I lost him, repeating over and over in his mind. His energy slowly seeps out of his body and after an hour of searching, he can't move. His feet burn with some unknown ailment, his mouth is dry, and it's difficult to keep his eyes open.

He collapses onto the sand.

"Jaejoong?"

Yunho brushes at Jaejoong's hair and kneels down in front of him.

"I lost him," Jaejoong whispers, tears falling unbidden, "Yunho, I lost him."

"We'll find him," Yunho promises, "He's here somewhere, Jaejae."

"I should have--I can't--"

"This isn't your fault," Yunho insists. He winds his arms around Jaejoong's middle and pulls him close. It's awkward, and not the most comfortable position ever, but Yunho's warm and solid and Jaejoong clings to him because it feels like everything else is falling away.

Jaejoong takes a few shaky breaths and suddenly Yunho pulls him up and set him on his feet. "Get it together, Jaejoong-ah. We're going to find him." Yunho snags hold of his hand, "We are."

Yunho sounds so certain that Jaejoong just nods, too exhausted to do anything else. Jaejoong doesn't know where Yunho got his well of strength but he's grateful for it and he lets Yunho lead him further and further from the train until he's sure that they'll never be able to find their way back.

He glances behind him a few times and is relieved to find Yoochun and Changmin following, looking determined, their souls shining fiercely where their hands are tightly clasped. It’s oddly reassuring.

It seems hours before Yunho stops suddenly and cocks his head. “What’s that?”

At first, all Jaejoong can hear is the wind, but as he strains, he hears a gentle hum from somewhere up ahead. “The fireflies?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Changmin says, “We would have heard it the moment we stepped off the train.”

A person, then, Jaejoong reasons, a person who is definitely not Junsu because Junsu doesn’t hum. The revelation doesn’t help Jaejoong’s nerves at all. Is he there? Is he hurt? Is he alive?

They speed up and slowly, as if their eyes are coming into focus, a single figure can be seen standing among the red lights.

It’s Junsu.

Jaejoong breathes normally for a few seconds and then his heart speeds back up and his throat tightens and his eyes sting as he realizes that Junsu is humming. There's a quiet sob from somewhere behind him that sounds a lot like Yoochun muffled in Changmin's shoulder.

Jaejoong takes a step forward, reaching out to grasp Junsu's shoulder, but then stops, not wanting Junsu to fall silent.

The humming is beautiful, making Jaejoong think that Junsu really did have an amazing voice. The fireflies seem to like it as well. They're swarming him, some lights fading in and out, others blinking and glistening; Jaejoong convinces himself that they're doing it in time to Junsu's slow rhythm.

They stand and listen until the sun starts rising, the golds and oranges stretching out across the sand and swallowing the lightning bugs one by one, the red winking out, becoming lighter and lighter until it dissolves completely. The light catches in Junsu's hair and for a few minutes, as night and day mix, it's the most beautiful thing Jaejoong has ever seen and he wants to cry all over again.

No one is quite sure what to do when Junsu is left staring out at the sea of sand so Jaejoong takes the initiative and untangles himself from Yunho to touch Junsu's hand gently.

Junsu turns his head and Jaejoong swallows, reaching up to wipe away the tear tracks traveling down his cheeks. The next thing he knows, Yoochun is slobbering all over Junsu's shoulder and the five of them are a mess of tears as they hold each other up.

No one has the heart to be mad.

Changmin tells Jaejoong that he doesn't have to worry and that actually it's good that Junsu is so excited over something. "It's rare for Bereaved souls to start healing so early like this," he says, and steers Jaejoong under Yunho's arm to sigh and pout and worry until Yunho can find a way to sufficiently distract him.

Junsu stays up late and tells Jaejoong that it's because he loves watching the lights in the dark, the streaks of red as the train barrels along. When Jaejoong knows that everyone else is asleep, he'll get up and sit by Junsu and hold his hand. Sometimes Junsu will write to him, other times, they'll just watch until Junsu falls asleep and Jaejoong tucks a blanket around his shoulders so he doesn't catch cold.

I pretend that they're shooting stars, Junsu writes, his characters messy in the semi-darkness, and I make a wish on every one that I see.

"What do you wish for?" Jaejoong whispers.

Happiness, Junsu writes, and it makes Jaejoong a little sad.

“Do we not make you happy?”

I’m happier than ever, Junsu writes, and it leaves Jaejoong very confused.

Yunho starts to join them after a few nights. He doesn't say anything, just slips into the compartment silently and snuggles in behind Jaejoong. Junsu pretends that he doesn't notice. Soon, Changmin and Yoochun start to join them as well and the five of them sit up for most of the night watching the lights whiz by the dirty window.

Jaejoong’s not sure what it is, but after that night, he realizes that there’s something in his life that’s missing; he doesn’t know what it is.

Yunho catches him off guard one night and wakes him, pulling him out of bed and out of the train that had stopped.

“What’s going on?”

Yunho smiles and pulls him into the swirl of fireflies, tugging him close and breathing in. “I wanted to tell you,” he says, “You’re perfect for me.”

Jaejoong tries very hard to focus.

“Out here,” Yunho says, “In the midst of all of this, away from trains and other people, I really, truly feel it the most. I love you so much, and you don’t have to say it back, at least not yet,” he pokes Jaejoong’s side, “But I want you to know that. I want you to know how amazing you are, how much strength you give me, and I wanted to tell you out here, where everything seems to go right.”

Jaejoong stares at him. “I’m--“ He’s actually not sure what he is.

Yunho kisses him, gently. “You don’t have to respond. At least--sometime. A response at some point would be nice.”

Jaejoong swallows. “Okay.”

It’s not the part of him he had felt was missing, but it’s still nice. They tuck themselves back into bed and Yunho presses light kisses along Jaejoong’s neck before falling asleep, his soul tucked securely against them both like a blanket.

Jaejoong doesn’t sleep at all.

Two days later, Jaejoong thinks that maybe he’s figured it out.

“Where are we going?” Jaejoong asks.

Changmin looks up from where he was plotting out charts for possible places the train can go. “Wherever the train takes us, I suppose.”

Junsu looks up from where he was reading about the secondary track in one of Changmin’s books. When does the secondary track end?

Changmin purses his lips. “Soon, I think.”

What’s beyond it?

Changmin frowns. “Why would you want to go beyond the second track?”

“Don’t get angry,” Jaejoong chides, surprised as Changmin’s soul immediately darkens, “He’s just asking.”

“I’m not angry,” Changmin says, getting up from his chair, “It’s dangerous to leave the tracks.”

“I know that,” Jaejoong frowns, “Why are you getting upset?”

Changmin tosses his book onto the couch. “Forget it,” he says, “Just. Never mind.”

Junsu scoots closer to Jaejoong on the bench. Why is he upset, he signs.

I don’t know Jaejoong signs back.

Junsu digs out his paper, still faster at writing than signing. What do you think is beyond the secondary?

“I don’t know. I’ve heard stories about other towns and other places. Places that aren’t filled with sand, places where the ground is green instead of red and there are really big puddles of water that are deep enough to go over your head.”

Really?

“Yes. But I don’t know if they’re true or not.”

Changmin would know, Junsu writes, and he heaves a sigh that sounds extraordinarily wistful.

“Give him some time,” Jaejoong says, “He’ll get over himself and you can ask him all about it.”

They smile at each other and turn out to the window, watching the familiar scenery slip by them until night falls and the fireflies start to come out. Yunho is the first one back inside, smelling of the dinner Jaejoong had cooked and the soap he had used to clean their dishes.

Junsu wiggles out from Jaejoong arm and Yunho takes his place, taking a moment to kiss Jaejoong’s cheek.

“What were the two of you talking about so seriously?”

Jaejoong turns a bit so he can see Yunho’s face clearly. “What we’ll do when we reach the end of the secondary track.”

“Ah,” Yunho nods, “I thought we might be nearing it. Changmin must have told you.”

“Junsu asked,” Jaejoong says. “He wanted to know what--what was beyond it.”

Yunho frowns.

“Not you too,” Jaejoong says, “Don’t be like this, he’s just curious. And I am too. I want to know what else is out there.”

“Nothing is out there,” Yunho says flatly.

“Something has to be,” Jaejoong argues, “There can’t be nothing.”

“Jaejoong.”

“Don’t use that patronizing tone on me,” Jaejoong says and pushes Yunho away, moving outside of his arms. “I’m just curious.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Yunho says.

Jaejoong stares incredulously at him. “Because the station masters say so? Why do I have to believe them? They think Junsu should stay away from the rest of society, they think that because you have a red soul, you bring bad luck with you wherever you go. Why should I listen to them? I would have thought that out of everyone, you would be the last one to just blindly follow whatever they say.”

“I don’t blindly follow them.”

“But you are,” Jaejoong hisses and moves away when Yunho tries to latch onto his arm, “You’re listening to them and not to me.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to move out into something no one knows anything about. We’re safe here, we know this area, we know what to expect. We don’t know what’s out beyond the trains.”

“So then let’s go discover it,” Jaejoong whispers, feeling as though he is pleading.

Junsu’s watching them with wide eyes, looking ready to bolt if they start to shout. Jaejoong doesn’t really want to yell, so he stands up and moves to the door.

“Don’t walk out on me,” Yunho says, “Let’s talk about this.”

“If we continue, I won’t be talking,” Jaejoong says, and slides the compartment door open.

“Where are you going?”

This creasing lines on Yunho’s forehead belie his worry; Jaejoong sighs and says without looking back, “I need to clear my head. I’ll be back.”

“Jaejoong--“

He steps outside and shuts the door, going in search of Yoochun and finding him in the caboose, his feet thrown up on the railing, watching the scenery slip past. Jaejoong sits next him and tries not to cry, already feeling his soul in turmoil.

Yoochun slides an arm around his shoulder. Jaejoong’s soul hurts where it brushes against Yoochun’s. He holds back a sob.

Yoochun sighs. “The first argument is always the worst,” he says.

Jaejoong doesn’t ask how Yoochun knows that they had argued. “I don’t understand him.”

“Just because you’re Compatible, it doesn’t mean you always do. Look at me and Changmin. I can rarely keep up with all his theories and jargon. I can’t even tell you how many arguments we’ve had about stupid little things. There was one time when I didn’t talk to him for a whole day because he was using these big words I couldn’t understand and refused to tell me what they meant.”

“This isn’t little.”

Yoochun pats Jaejoong’s knee. “If it makes you feel any better, Changmin came out all in a huff about Junsu and I yelled at him, and we’re fighting too. So we can just be sad and lonely together while our Compatibles sort out their thoughts. Okay?”

Jaejoong manages a weak smile and lays his head on Yoochun’s shoulder. “Okay.”

Yunho finally comes to find him when it starts to get dark out, the fireflies just beginning to wink into existence.

Jaejoong’s soul is trembling, the color having become weak, and he finds that he has no control over his body as his soul flares against Yunho’s. He can’t hold him tight enough and he barely registers Yoochun slipping away quietly, most likely to go in search of Changmin.

“I’m sorry,” Yunho whispers into Jaejoong’s hair. He was barely audible over the thundering of Jaejoong’s heart.

“Don’t,” Jaejoong pleads, “Just. Don’t say anything.”

Yunho doesn’t, letting their souls connect and flow and buzz happily as they hold on to one another. Yunho soothes Jaejoong’s emotions with one hand down his back and lets Jaejoong wipe his tears on a shoulder.

“You really irritate me,” Jaejoong mumbles.

“I know.”

They have a group discussion about it.

Junsu is apparently very serious about wanting to explore past the secondary track. I think we should just pack a bag and walk. See how far we can go.

Changmin asserts that this is a very dumb idea.

Don’t coddle me because you think I’m naive., Junsu writes, and then puts down his pen to sign, I’m older than you.

Yoochun laughs.

“What’s wrong with a little adventure, Changmin-ah?” He asks, smiling.

“It’s not an adventure if you don’t know what to expect.”

“Sure it is,” Jaejoong says.

Yunho gives him a wary look. As it turns out, Jaejoong finds that he can still be mad at Yunho and hold onto his hand at the same time. It’s a lot less traumatizing for his soul.

“Are we seriously talking about walking away from civilization?” Changmin asks, and turns to Yunho, “Back me up.”

“It’s dangerous,” Yunho says, more to Jaejoong than anyone else.

“You don’t think I know that?” Jaejoong returns. “It’s dangerous here too. Every time we step out with either you or Junsu it’s dangerous. I know what the risks are.”

Changmin leans his elbows onto his knees. “What happens if we’re attacked out there by--something? What happens when I have no medical supplies? What happens when there’s nothing but red sand for miles and miles and we’re dragging our sorry asses through it with no water and no food. What then?”

“We don’t have to go far,” Jaejoong argues, “We travel for a few days and if we don’t see anything we turn around. Maybe we come back and build a contraption that will allow us to cover more ground and enable us to carry more supplies. I’m sure your mind is capable of it.”

Changmin looks at Yoochun.

“You know what I think,” Yoochun says, “You’ve always had an obsession with it; do need I bring up the mountain of books you once owned on the theories and speculations of what lies beyond the trains?”

It’s a little bit of a low blow, and Jaejoong tries very hard not to care as Changmin’s mouth presses into a thin line.

Junsu stands up and comes to sit in front of Yunho. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could find other people? Other people who didn’t tell us who to be or how to be or what we can and cannot do? Yunho traces the letters on the page hesitantly.

“I,” he starts, but doesn’t finish.

“I know it’s not easy,” Yoochun says, “Just think about it. Like Jaejoong says, if we don’t get far on foot, we double back and try again. Or we can give up and you’ll have bragging rights to lord over us for the rest of our lives. Alright?”

Yunho chews his lip.

“I’m going to make dinner,” Jaejoong says, “Just think, okay?”

Junsu gets up as well, and Yoochun drags Changmin into their compartment, whispering to him, even as he shuts the door.

“Alright,” Yunho says, “I’ll think about it.”

They continue to ride the train, the impending end of the line weighing on all their minds but rarely mentioned save for encouraging touches that Yoochun gives Jaejoong or sweet kisses from Junsu that land on Jaejoong’s cheek.

Yoochun makes it clear where he stands and Changmin, while he is entirely against the idea, seems to have reluctantly succumbed to Yoochun’s will if only because he knows that even if he lets Yoochun go, he’ll eventually follow. Yoochun tells Jaejoong that Changmin may be a station master, but he’s really soft at heart, and the thought of being without Yoochun is unbearable.

“He doesn’t think that you’ll give in for the same reason?” Jaejoong asks.

Yoochun shakes his head, “He’s smart and witty and strong-headed, but his desire to please me is greater than all of those.”

“Don’t you have a desire to please him?”

“I do,” Yoochun says, “But I know that he’ll benefit from this. He read so many books about it we had a fight because he wasn’t paying attention to me. Maybe he found the lack of information discouraging and that’s why he’s being so stubborn now, but I know him and I know the desire is still there. I think he knows it too. If everyone else is going, he’ll follow.”

Which means that Yunho is the only problem left.

It tears Jaejoong up inside, but he makes a decision one night, watching Junsu look out of the window and feeling Yunho pressed up against him in sleep. He tells Yoochun a few days later, when Yunho is napping.

“Pack a bag,” he says, “We’re leaving.”

“Yunho?” Yoochun raises an eyebrow.

“Yunho is going to have to choose between me and his pride,” Jaejoong says, staring out at the sand, “This is hurting us,” he adds, “It needs to stop.”

Their hug does nothing to alleviate the growing pain in Jaejoong’s soul. He tries not to notice how dark his normally light blue soul is becoming.

“I feel dead,” he says to the room at large.

He thinks back to the first moment he had slammed into Yunho. He thinks about those first few awkward days, finding a compartment, sharing it, sleeping in it, cleaning it. He thinks about finding Junsu, about caring for him, worrying about him, loving him. He thinks about Yoochun and Changmin and Yunho getting hurt. He remembers the pain he felt then. He remembers Yunho kissing him, holding him, always making sure that he was okay, telling him that he was loved.

Jaejoong sits down onto the floor and takes a deep breath.

They had been through so much. Good things, yes, but bad things too.

I love him, he thinks. Perhaps he’s always known it. He squeezes the shirt he has in his hands tightly.

They’d do anything for each other, and maybe, Jaejoong speculates, that’s the problem.

Jaejoong offloads everyone while Yunho takes a nap. There’s one more stop before the end of the line, but he doesn’t want to wait. He rests their bags in the sand and watches Junsu bounce around excitedly. Yoochun has a firm grip on Changmin’s hand.

“He’s not going to like this,” Changmin says, but dutifully shuts his mouth when Yoochun pokes him.

Jaejoong wakes Yunho gently, brushing the hair from his eyes. “Joongie,” Yunho whispers.

“Come outside for a minute,” Jaejoong says, and avoids Yunho’s lips that are seeking his, afraid his heart might burst.

“Why is your blue so dark?” Yunho asks, as he gets out of their bed and trundles after Jaejoong obediently.

Jaejoong doesn’t answer.

When they exit the train, and Yunho takes in the sight of the other three and their bags, the silence is so heavy Jaejoong thinks he’s suffocating.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho whispers.

“Come with us.”

“Jaejoong,” Yunho whines, and his chin trembles with emotion. “Don’t do this. Don’t make me. I can’t--Jaejae. I,” he stops.

“Why not?” Jaejoong demands. “You said it yourself. Everything seems to go right out here.”

Yunho’s entire body shakes.

“You don’t want to lead us into anything harmful. I understand that.”

“Then why are you doing this?” Yunho asks, and Jaejoong has to swallow hard as tears glisten in Yunho’s eyes.

“Because this world, this life isn’t for us,” Jaejoong says. “We’re not as happy as we can be. Every time someone sneers at you, every time someone throws something at Junsu--a part of me breaks inside. And I can’t--I can’t see you in pain anymore, Yunho. I can feel it, you know. I can feel how at peace you are when we stand in the fireflies at night. I want that for you. I want that for all of us. Please.”

A tears slides down Yunho’s cheeks and Jaejoong reaches up to brush it away.

“This is so--reckless,” Yunho breathes.

Jaejoong squeezes his hand. “Then let me lead,” he says, “You’re not the only person that can be a shield. I can walk in front of you, too.”

“I’m good at being a shield,” Yunho says.

Jaejoong kisses him, then, pressing their lips and souls and bodies together fiercely. “I love you,” he says, and pulls away, watching as their souls swirl together before parting, reluctantly.

Yunho has to gasp to get a proper lungful of air.

They stand there as the shadows lengthen and one by one, red dots of light flash into existence around them. Junsu plays with Jaejoong’s sleeve, humming under his breath as he looks out at the sea of red excitedly. He grins and Jaejoong takes his hand and holds it, their eyes saying more than words ever could.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho whispers, “are you sure about this?”

Jaejoong meets his gaze.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my entire life.”

Junsu is already several steps off the road, Yoochun trailing after him. Jaejoong closes his eyes as the slight breeze washes over him. He can feel Yunho’s soul behind him, watching, waiting, wondering. He takes a single step, a foot off the pavement and onto the red dirt.

Another step.

Three.

Something kicks Jaejoong’s heart, and he feels himself start to live again. His soul shines bright.

He turns and looks back. “Come on,” he says.

Junsu is already way ahead of them, dancing out of Yoochun’s reach, the sound he makes for laughing bubbling out of him as Yoochun lunges and they both crash into the sand. Changmin watches, his eyes sad, and his foot twitches involuntarily.

“I,” Yunho starts, “I don’t know, Joongie.”

Jaejoong takes a step back towards the road, smiling. “It doesn’t matter what happens or where we are, or how we end up living, so long as I have you, so long as I have them. Trust me,” he says, and stretches out his hand.

“I pretend that they're shooting stars,” Junsu writes, his characters messy in the semi-darkness, “and I make a wish on every one that I see.”

"What do you wish for?" Jaejoong whispers.

“Happiness,” Junsu writes.

Jaejoong thinks that they’ve found it.

-----

Just a few notes. As I mentioned, this does not illustrate which “side” I think is correct. It’s not meant to say that Homin should have left SM or Jaechunsu should have stayed. They made their decisions and they seem happy with it, at least outwardly. Trains/Stations/Station Masters =/= any particular entity in this fic. For me, this was about stepping back and looking at everything they had accomplished as a group and realizing that whether or not they are together, or apart, they are still a group, and that as a fan, I want for them to happy.

On a deeper level, in this story, Jaejoong represents humanity. Recently, I’ve been rather stir crazy and felt that while I seem to be having a spectacular life, something is missing. I think we all feel that at some point, and maybe that’s what Jaechunsu felt and maybe not, but either way, sometimes you just have to make a snap decision and do something different. I don’t know what mine is yet. I’m still living, still doing my day to day routine and sort of “searching” for why I’m here, searching for my own fireflies, I guess, and what makes me happy. Maybe you are too.

tl;dr: I guess the point of this fic is not to place blame on anyone (because I really haven’t taken a stance on this irl,) but rather to hope that everyone does what they love and that everyone finds what makes them happy and fulfilled and alive.

Other points of interest:

Junsu having no voice = Junsu’s puberty issues
Yunho’s stabbing = Yunho’s glue incident
Jaejoong’s wandering, not having a home = custody battle
Being scorned for various things i.e. red soul/bereaved/etc = fitting into life as an idol/dealing with netizens and other shit
Secondary track = Japan
Sign language = Japanese. sort of.
Fireflies/Red = Not necessarily Cassiopeia, but technically it is, because red strengthens them (and everyone else is afraid of it lmao, and it is huuuge)
Venturing past secondary track = lawsuit. sort o.

-----

Thank you to K. for pointing out the stupid little mistakes I always make :). I don’t know why you deleted your journal, but you have my e-mail, and I still owe you, so if there’s anything you ever need, let me know. ♥