International Religion Registry announces revised afterlife/apocalypse myth for global christianity
Att: All Christians.
A three and a half-year study by the International Religion Registry (IRR) has concluded that your religions’ afterlife myth is both boring and stupid. An eternity spent inside of a giant cube, eating fruits and praising a carpenter is neither interesting nor engaging. Therefore, your afterlife myth is to be revised and replaced immediately with the following myth, which is also stupid, but which is not boring:
The world will end exactly twenty years from whatever the present date is at any given moment. As this report is being issued on Thursday, July 20th, 2006, the current end-of-world date is Monday, July 20th, 2026. As of July 20th, 2026, the end-of-world date will be July 20th, 2046. In this way, your rhetoric will never need to be adjusted, nor will it ever be proven wrong. You will always live in the end times, and it will always be coming within the space of the current generation. This will maintain a constant state of mouse-like anticipation and heightened tension.
When the world comes to an end (20 years from [the present date]), the situation will be both awesome and stupendous, both to the extreme. While it will not involve the suffering presently described in the christian bible, it will nonetheless be dramatic and exciting. The entire sky will glow with a shifting, multi-coloured, luminous aurora borealis-esque curtain of lights, which will be accompanied by loud noises and flashing lights in the air, which will neither offend the eyes nor ears. The chunk of earth you are presently standing on will lift up off the ground and begin to fly about in the air at ludicrous speeds, though you will neither fall off, nor yet be afraid of falling off, because you will be entirely too excited to even consider the possibility of anything which might inspire fear (what with the awesome and all). A table will appear in front of you on this chunk of earth, which will be filled with a selection of designer drugs and delicious foods, none of which will be a risk to your health because the world is ending anyways. The bright lights and loud noises will be considerably more awesome when you consume the peyote extract and LSD tabs provided for your enjoyment.
All dead human beings will at this point explode from their graves with flourishes of techno-inspired music, laser effects and firework-like light explosions. It will be maximally awesome. They will be similarly equipped with flying patches of earth, and feast-and-drug tables. Every person and every group of persons who have any outstanding grudges, feuds, or hard feelings with one another will then engage in battles of one sort or another, ranging from rock-paper-scissors matches to guitar solo contests. The results of all of these contests will be final, binding, and preternaturally mutually satisfactory to all parties, and in the end, there will be no hard feelings between any two people, as all disagreements will have been settled, permanently. Nobody will be harmed in any way during any of these contests, as all humans will be immune to physical or emotional harm. All humans will have a big giant dance party in the sky to celebrate this universal cessation of strife. There will be chips and pop.
Just before you get bored of all of this, you will magically transform into a being of pure light and awesomeness. You will be weightless, capable of flight, and immune to harm. You will be capable of inducing in your sensory experience the effects of any designer drugs you want, at whatever potency you want, without ill health effects, because you will be, as mentioned, immune to harm. The planet Earth itself will transform into a massive ball of stellar energy, and it, along with all of the planets in the solar system, will harmlessly merge with the sun. This, like every other element of this apocalypse, will be awesome. It will also be accompanied by a rock opera soundtrack with speed metal guitar work, unless you don’t like this sort of thing, in which case, it will be something similarly awesome, which you will find to be inoffensive.
This pan-solar mass of stellar matter will transform into a giant bear aboard a pirate ship, because both bears and pirate ships are awesome, and also exciting. The pirate ship might alternately look like an aircraft carrier, racecar, penis, or spaceship, depending upon what the individual viewer thinks is most extreme. This massive vessel of light will then set forth on a great voyage throughout the universe, and all humans will be on board. All will be totally excited (which is to say excited to the utmost extent that excitement is possible by any organism in the universe), and this excitement will never abate, or become tiresome. To anyone.
This star-bear will take up approximately 50% of the deck of the ship, standing on its hind legs (which it will be at all times). It will be experiencing continual orgasm, and nobody will think this is unpleasant or unseemly, because of the awesome. The ejaculate of this bear will then become new stars, which will fill the empty parts of the universe, and new planets (each of them exciting and new!) filled with life will, over the course of six days, appear around each. In the mean time, the pirate ship will be doing battle with evil star-destroying aliens, and it will always win, without losses, but it will nevertheless be awesome and exciting for all involved, every time.
Between battles, there will be access to the below-decks, in which entire planets of ski lodges, bowling alleys, hot dog eating contests, and concerts which will be available to all who want to take part of them. All of your favourite dead dogs, cats, and helper monkeys will be returned to you in proper working order. If you did not have a helper monkey in life, one will be provided for you, with all the concomitant emotional bonds ready-established between you and it. Genitals of whatever nature and quantities you desire will be provided for you, for maximum utility and stimulation. None will be of a size which is in any way embarrassing or non-impressive, and nobody will think this is in any way creepy or weird. Indeed, people will routinely high-five each other for the quality and quantity of their awesome genitalia. Birds will perch upon them, and this will be adorable.
This situation will persist permanently, and will be permanently totally awesome.
Please update your dogma accordingly.