I'm really not sure what to do...

[rustedxemotions]

Hey guys! I really need your help! Or, at least help of some kind.

Here are the players in the situation:

Comments

[miio_miio]

Interesting story. For some reason it makes me think of an old story (can't think of the name..) where there is a family living in one house and there are housemaids. The man had a thing with one of the housemaids and they raise the child as their own..
So far it seems similar, but then with a modern theme..
Is the ex mentally stable? (no bad tone intended here) What does she think of the future? Does she realize what is going on?

[rustedxemotions]

Is my problem here that I am thinking of myself too much?

[miio_miio]

Hmm no, not exactly.. It's just that the kid is keeping them two together even if that wasn't meant to be. Actually it's more your bf's problem and even though it might not be nice to fix it and get alimentation and all that, he should get his things together, and you could help him take the steps. I am just wondering how Miss Ex is going to cling..

[givinguponyou]

Well, hopefully you realize you're no shinning star in this story either. You moved into this mess. You both should have gotten your shit together before you moved in. He needs to work it out with her as to what's going to happen. Can you really blame her for being depressed? She moves across the country, they have a baby despite things "not really working right away", you move in (which I'm sure he told her nothing would happen) and 2 short weeks later he's moved into your room? Also, why didn't she threaten to kill herself then?
Bottom line is you moved into a family house, facilitated in being the thing that finally broke them up and now that's not good enough for you either? You're at best asking him to give up 1/2 of his time with his daughter. If he doesn't mind paying for her phone then what's it to you? You moved in knowing the situation full well! I really have to question why you would move into this situation to begin with, but sure, keep repeating how crazy she is. Right.

[rustedxemotions]

Great advice. Thank you.

[stalkingsilence]

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with givinguponyou. Have you seriously thought about your own contribution to the issue here? You moved in with people in a struggling relationship. YOU made a move on a person in a relationship and then HE is suddenly in your room? And now you feel like there aren't enough boundaries set? Where were your boundaries when it was their relationship?

It doesn't matter what the state of their relationship was or wasn't, you have positioned yourself in the middle of a really big messy situation. They haven't even separated their finances! What did you think was going to happen here exactly?

[rustedxemotions]

Great advice. Thank you.

[cosmicwonder]

I agree with givinguponyou and stalkingsilence that in a lot of ways, you put yourself into this position. There were a lot of warning signs.

However, that doesn't mean that things can't change for the better. I'm wondering why you are going into so much debt because of this situation. You can make it clear to your boyfriend and ex about what you are willing to contribute. For instance, you could just say that you're going to pay 1/3 of the total rent, and that's it. It's up to the boyfriend and ex to figure out the rest.

I also wonder why the ex is putting so much stress on you. Her ability to get a job and take care of her child is not your problem, that's between your boyfriend and her. You can offer to help as much as you feel comfortable, but don't go beyond that.

I think you need to be clear about your boundaries and stick to them.

[rustedxemotions]

I don't want to live with her forever
She will need money to move out. She won't get a job.

[cosmicwonder]

But it's not your responsibility to figure out how she will get the money to move out. Really, that's for her to figure out and it's up to your boyfriend whether he wants to help her with that. From what you've written above, I get the feeling that she's not getting a job because there's no incentive for her to do so.

What you do have control over is where you are going to live and who you'll live with. If you don't want to live with her indefinitely, then you need to be clear with your boyfriend about this. If I were you, I'd also give him a firm deadline. If he can't fulfill this request, then I'd seriously consider breaking up.

Basically, you need to decide what's a deal breaker for you and be clear with your boyfriend about this.

[gatehorse]

Move out. There is no magical way to turn this situation around into something ideal for you, and it's not your job to fix it anyway. It's between the two of them. Give them space to work out their issues without a third party and without those issues stressing you out. You don't have to move far away and you don't have to break up with him yet. It could be the kick they need to fix this, without you there as a cushion. But if this situation continues and they aren't able to fix it in a reasonable amount of time, then you will have to decide if you really want to live with the financial and emotional stress long term (NOT recommended), or if you need to break up.

[zimknits]

+1