When the woman proposes marriage...

[kukla_red]

I took a look though the entries here and I didn't see anything on this, so I hope it is OK.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 and a half years, we live together (along with my 2 teenagers) and we are very happy.  After my divorce, I never thought I would love again, never thought I could be head over heels about someone.  As they

Comments

[photogfrog]

I make 2X more than my husband as well. Money is never an issue, but I know when we agreed to get married, he did lament not being able to buy me a *proper* ring. Funny thing, I never wanted one and I told him that.

Does he feel he has to buy you a ring or pay for XX of the wedding? If so, I would talk to him about that. Talk about the kind of wedding you want and make it clear that the cost or who pays what is not an issue.

You can propose to him if you want. Nothing stopping you.

[dulyoncourt]

Ask him :) I don't think money is an issue if it's not an issue for you. And think about it, if anyone is stupid enough to say that he marries you for money, you can grin and say "I did the asking."

[kukla_red]

Cute! I like that!

[taldragon]

it's a masculine thing - men are socialised to be the breadwinners and if they arent, society claims they're inadequate.

however, it might be money or wariness (his previous marriage didnt work out)...whatever it is, i'm sure you've talked about it :)

does he want to propose? has he mentioned wanting marriage? presumably he knows how important it is to you? (just making sure you dont blindside him.) if he does want marriage and does know you want to.. i'd say go for it ;)

(or maybe propose to each other? depends how traditional he feels, and whether he wants to propose too).

also, i demand an invite! :D :D :D

[kukla_red]

O you know when it happens you will be there!

Yeah... with him it is a bit of the masculine thing. He isn't comfortable with me supporting him, he had a previous relationship that went very sour after the company he was working for went out of business.

I guess I will wait a bit on this. It was good to write it out here and get it out of my system a bit.

[taldragon]

yay! :D

as other commenters have suggested, perhaps defer marriage til his finances are better? (suggest a long engagement, as a compromise?)

isnt 2008 a leap year? perhaps you could propose to him on Feb 29th (if he's traditional)!

[hardtogetover]

If he's the kind of person to have issues with his woman out earning him, he may also be the kind of person to resent his woman proposing marriage to him.

[kukla_red]

Yes, that is something I've considered, hence my hesitation. It isn't so much that he thinks it is wrong that I outearn him by so much - it is more that he feels lousy about me footing the bill for everything. He feels very strongly about contributing his fair share, etc. I feel that he does more than enough to make up for the whole money issue: he takes care of me, our house and helps my kids in so many ways. As I said above, I'm not concerned about the inequity and we have talked about it. He knows that I don't care but this is something that is deeply bred into most guys, I think. They are supposed to be the provider.

I'll just sit on this. I do feel better talking it out here.

[elisethestrange]

If you earn 3X what he does, his fair share is 25%. It's really about that simple. But I understand it's probably not that simple to him - especially in your generation. I feel like guys in my generation (I'm 26) are more likely to be ok with a woman earning more than them, but you guys grew up in a different culture. It's tough to overcome all that socialization. But even in my generation - I dated a guy a few years ago that was simply never going to make as much money as I was. I'd say things like when I got my job I'd get us all these nice things, and he said it made him feel inadequate when I made comments like that. And we weren't even there yet - I was just in school! And I'm still in school, but that's neither here nor there.

I see you've discussed things - I agree you should wait and give him time. Also, you said the financial inequity will be resolved - I don't see the harm in waiting until then. Sounds like he's the real deal - you can wait a bit for that, right? ;)

[kukla_red]

Numerically, I know what his share should be. That's not the issue. He just doesn't have it right now and I understand why. It doesn't bug me.

And yes, he is the real deal so waiting is OK. A little frustrating, but OK.

[osani]

I kind of agree with hardtogetover; that if he feels uncomfortable with you supporting him, he may feel uncomfortable with your proposal as well.

Maybe just plan a romantic evening with some alone time and talk to him about it. Somewhere in there just throw in, "wouldn't it be great to set a date?", like this just occurred to you and then make it seem like it was his idea.

Also, I don't know how traditional or big you want the wedding, but if you aren't planning on spending a ton of $$ anyway, explain how want a simple inexpensive thing or however you dream about it.

[kukla_red]

We've talked about marriage before and we both know that's where we're headed. And I had the BIG wedding the first time around - never wanted it then, don't want it now. All I want is a simple ceremony and then a small party with friends. Nothing major.

After writing this out and seeing the comments, I think I am content to wait on this. There really isn't any rush. He's not going anywhere and neither am I.

The best thing is knowing that his home is my home too. When he lived in Brooklyn it damn near killed me every Sunday night when he went back to his place.

[osani]

Personally, I think Goldie Hawn(sp?) and Kurt Russell have it all figured out. I'm not completely sure about their details, but they've lived together for 15 or so years and have 3 kids. I think they exchanged vows to each other, maybe even rings, but they don't believe they need to do it in front of the church or state.

Glad you feel better about the whole situation and it sounds like it will happen eventually... when the time is right for both of you :)