Comments | datinandrelatin: Shy Guy problem

celestial_axis in datinandrelatin

Shy Guy problem

Sep 07, 2007 08:08

Hi everyone! This is my first post, I hope it's okay.

My name is Sarah and I'm 25. I've been single for a few months now after breaking up with my boyfriend of six years (my decision). I've dated a few random guys here and there, mainly from the Internet cuz I don't do the bar scene and there's no where to really meet guys in my life. I have gone ( Read more... )

flirting, attraction, intimacy, dating

Comments 20

mod bubblebobble September 8 2007, 06:50:15 UTC

please cut this within 12 hours or it will be deleted

Re: mod celestial_axis September 8 2007, 11:07:29 UTC

Thank you for posting it, all fixed now. It was my first one, I apologize for setting it up wrong. =(

(The comment has been removed)

celestial_axis September 8 2007, 11:09:48 UTC

He hugs me back, so that's a good sign. I guess subtle physical hints is the way to go, but I kept brushing my arm against his at the movies and he didn't get it (wasn't gonna pick up his arm and put it around me, lol). I just need to be more patient is what I keep hearing from friends! =)

cheesybunny September 8 2007, 07:20:43 UTC

I think really the best way, even if he is shy is to gently bring it up.
Say something like, "I really want to kiss you/hold your hand/etc." right in the moment and make it sound appealing, but not pushy. If he says no, it's not a big deal.
If you just try to do something, and he's not comfortable with it, then it is a big deal.

Sometimes it's really nice just to hear it and it might get him into the mood to do more if he's up to it, but at the same time it's a better scenario than trying to feel it out and mistakenly thinking he wants to do more than he does.

celestial_axis September 8 2007, 11:13:18 UTC

I dunno, he might get really awkward if I said something like that. I tried an email, which seems to be his most comfortable form of communication, and got no response (he's emailed me since then but ignored what I said in that one). I think I'll back off for a bit and maybe see what happens when I go over his place some day, see if he's more comfortable there. I may try saying something there tho. =) Communication's the best policy I guess!

My advice: might be controversial litlmisstrouble September 8 2007, 12:16:33 UTC

I have a fair amount of experience with guys like this, having dated for three years between two LTRs, the most recent of which started a year ago ( ... )

Re: My advice: might be controversial celestial_axis September 8 2007, 12:26:54 UTC

I have kind of thought of it that way, but here's the conclusion I come to. He does pursue me for dates. He responded to my personal ad online, which is how we met. He does call me occasionally (we mainly talk online, which I prefer). So he's not completely distant.

The Pros: he's mature, financially secure, stable, a gentleman, sweet, thoughtful...a lot of things I haven't found in a guy thus far. He's someone I could see myself marrying (not that I'm planning on it or anything, but he's got a lot going for him). I think he's worth the wait. He's worth making a little more effort with, being a little more understanding with. If, months down the line, I'm having the same problem, then obviously it's too big of an issue to ignore. But I'll give it a few more shots. Yes, I like being pursued, but he's done some, and it's my turn. Maybe he likes it too! =)

Re: My advice: might be controversial elisethestrange September 8 2007, 12:28:48 UTC

I totally agree with this. Also, he's 31! If this was about a 15 year old, it'd be a different story, but by age 31 there's no excuse to be that shy. Well, there is, but it's the kind of excuse that needs to be worked out in therapy before getting into a relationship.

I've dated guys like this before too, and they always had more issues than I was willing to deal with. There's other fish in the sea, ones that aren't cold.

scien September 8 2007, 13:15:12 UTC

Do you know what his relationship history is like? He sounds a bit on the terrified side, perhaps he has little sexual experience (or little experience with dating or having new partners - one LTR for example).

Personally, I'd go for it and hold his hand. Not in a deathgrip or anything, but just rest your hand in his over the dinner table or while you're watching the film, and you'll probably be able to tell what's going on a bit more by how he reacts (holds your hand properly, draws away, moment of panic in his eyes...). When you want to move for whatever reason then just look him in the eyes, smile, and pick up your fork or brush hair from your face or whatever. These kinds of early negotiations are always superawkward, but they've not killed anyone yet :)

Going by the kind of guys I know, he's likely to just be horrifically scared of doing something that will look pushy. Plenty of guys do like to be pursued, although if that's the case I hereby give you warning of the inexperience and insecurity you are likely to encounter. ( ... )

celestial_axis September 8 2007, 13:30:24 UTC

Thank you, this is more along the lines I was thinking. I have no idea if he's had more than one past relationship, so there could be some major lack of experience there. I keep feeding off his shyness and it makes me afraid to make a move, but I would like to hold or touch his hand next time I see him and see how that goes. The hugs I've given him haven't been awkward, he hugs me back, and he had a big smile on his face after I kissed him on the cheek that once. I see those as good signs. Guess I just gotta suck it up and go for it! =) And yes, "superawkward" would be the word. I hate this new relationship stuff. I was in a 6-year relationship before this, and a 4-year one before that. This is pretty new to me too.

scien September 8 2007, 13:38:39 UTC

I'd 'confess' that to him. Not that it's anything to be ashamed of , but if you admit to being a bit unsure of what to do with yourself due to lack of experience, he'll feel safer letting on about how he feels about the whole thing, whatever that may be. If it is inexperience, he is right now wondering how he can camouflage his embarrassing secret from you, and implicit permission to stop will be a relief. Plus, I think four dates is plenty to start getting a bit nosy ;)

I'm speculating on very little evidence here though.

loreeley September 9 2007, 16:14:34 UTC

He seems happy when you do something, hugging back and smiling, so it sounds like he wouldn't mind you doing something! I'm not saying pounce on him, but something like taking his hand over dinner or cuddling up during a movie sounds like good ideas. Seems to me that he isn't against the idea, just scared to be the one to do it first ( ... )

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