It's all in my head

[datan0de]

I had a minor realization this morning that I think shines a new light on my current tribulations.

If you went back in time 6 years you'd find that I had a general sadness about me. It wasn't pervasive and all-encompassing, but it was clearly there. The reason was plain; my family had broken up. The Smoosh (as that incarnation was called): redheadlass, femetal, and

Comments

[lightgatherer]

I don't know the details of what you've gone through, but I'm sorry for the headspace and heartspace that you're in. *hugs*

[moonshadowdance]

The heart is not logical. Hugs and love!

[datan0de]

"The heart has reasons which reason cannot know." It may not be a useful observation, but at least it's poetic! (and true)

Hugs back!

[datan0de]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your observations are both touching and spot on. You've really struck a chord here (as you've often done, particularly lately).

I'm glad that you're seeing improvement. I've been told the same by others. I've also seen my ability to function day to day getting better, but I worry because the actual pain and the extent to which it dominates my thoughts haven't really improved appreciably. I don't feel better, but I hope that this is at least a step in that direction. I wish it would hurry, though. I can't live like this forever.

[zandperl]

Before I forget, are there any types of support that, if expressed here, you wouldn't want or would make things worse? For example one of my friends is okay with anecdotes but not advice, and saying "hugs" isn't good but "Jedi hugs" is fine

[datan0de]

I gladly welcome any and all support! And thanks for asking. That's very considerate of you.

The Horde is definitely stronger than the Smoosh ever was, and getting back together didn't seem like a possibility at all when the breakup actually happened, so I can completely relate to your situation. We remained civil and social, which made all the difference. In this case though, all contact has been "officially" cut off, I've been unfriended on Facebook, etc. So I see no mechanism for salvaging any kind of net positive out of this relationship, or even for building basic amicability or civil discourse. Needless to say, this only compounds the sense of loss, as even to this day it all seems so unnecessary. It didn't have to happen like this.

[datan0de]

I love you so very, very much. I fell in love with you all over again as I read this. You've shown that you really "get it", both in this and in our day to day interactions, and that's been invaluable to me. I could write many pages in response to this, but since I'm at work and short on time I'll start with "Yes!!", and we can discuss it further in person.

I do have to say though, the length of time this is taking (and is likely to take) is daunting. It's been 4 months but feels like at least an entire lifetime, and from my admittedly-skewed perspective it's so hard to see progress. The prospect of years or even decades of this seems like a real possibility, but an absolutely unbearable one. To even contemplate it is exhausting. :-(