Eight years later, I'm still wondering what I could do for nchanter

[darxus]

The last, best advice I got, years ago, was to never speak to her again. So I continue to do that

Comments

[darxus]

This was inspired by her post from yesterday, in which she mentioned me.

I have feelings about the main subject of her post (which wasn't me). I don't feel like saying much about that, other than that I agree with her basic point.

[blk]

I don't particularly know either of you. I don't know your history

[darxus]

Thank you.

[zzbottom]

There are a couple of people I've dated in the past about whom I'm still rather fucked up. The reasons are irrelevant, but I am absolutely certain that them reaching out to me, no matter how altruistic their intentions, would still just fuck me up more. I suspect that nchanter feels much the same way about you. If you want for her to be better, distance is the kindest thing you can offer.

Telling my tale

[sweetmmeblue]

DrWex and I met because of a, now, ex-bf. He behaved badly. Not physically abusive levels but emotionally. After we broke up I had nothing to do with him but still held really stressed feelings. Three years ago I saw him at a con and kinda freaked out he was there. I was still ANGRY! I ignored him. Made a point of getting eye contact and then walking away. Over the intervening year before the next con I decided I wanted to be the bigger person and deal with my stuff and decided that if there were interactions I'd work on being ok with them. The first couple of comments between us were tense. But Saturday night he asked if we could talk. He sat down and apologized. He showed me how he'd changed and what led him to understand how he treated me was wrong. Last year we got to talk more normally and I feel that things are resolved. Had this happened before I'd gone to grad school, or before I made the decision I wanted to resolve all my trauma stuff I would not have been receptive to him

[moonshadow]

I don't know how to put this without sounding either flippant or woo-woo about it.

The one thing you can always do? Send white light. (That's the woo-woo explanation.) Wish them well. (That's the flippant explanation.)

Your intention matters. I try, when I think of exes I have unresolved feelings about, at the end of thinking about them, to think or even say "I wish them well." If you can't do anything else, you can still do that.

[blk]

I like this. Both versions. :)

[moonshadow]

Thanks. What I do is somewhere in between those two things. Maybe... visualizing the person being well and happy, is a good way of describing it.