[Sakumoto Fic]: Thunderstorms and Tempest Cloud 8: Darkest Hour Before Dawn
Pairing: Sakumoto, text cameos from other members
Rating: G
Word Count: 3,068 words
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Purely a figment of my imagination; the fic, that is. Not them, of course. :)
Summary: Sho has recovered enough to go home, but is he fully on the way to recovery? What does that mean for Jun?
A/N: This was supposed to have been final chapter, but it’s a struggle to be succinct. So sorry for the inability to convey in the optimal number of words, but hope the content’s worth it? After this, the end will be in one or two chapters. J As always, comments are love ©.
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[ Prologue] | [ Chapter 1] | [ Chapter 2.1] | [ Chapter 2.2] | [ Chapter 3] | [ Chapter 4.1] | [ Chapter 4.2] | [ Chapter 5.1] | [ Chapter 5.2] | [ Chapter 6.1] | [ Chapter 6.2] | [ Chapter 6.3] | [ Chapter 7.1] | [ Chapter 7.2]
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[Late-May 2010]
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp, magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp, fishingriida@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: Mecha mecha SOS!
Can someone bring today’s newspapers over to Sho’s?! Accidentally spilled tea on his rug and grabbed the nearest thing on hand… I’ll text later wit-
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp, murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
From: magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
My incentive for such a self-sacrificing deed? Just got in a couple of hours ago. *yawn*
To: magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp, murasakiidos@au.ne.jp, fishingriida@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii @au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
What?! I thought you finally went for dinner with Oh-chan yester-… Oh… ( ^ O ^ ) Ho ho ho ho ho. Won’t disturb you… or Oh-chan then. … Jun-chan!!!
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
From: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
Fine Masaki. I’ll bring the papers later, though it beats me how you’re gonna stall Sho from reading the headlines till I get there.
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp,
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
Which is why I was hoping you’ll find it in your member-loving heart to bring it by in the next half hour or so? (>_<) m(_ _)m (>_<) m(_ _)m
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
From: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
(* _ *) You do realize I just got home after filming all night?
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
But you live the closest! And Nino and Riida are… busy. And Sho would love to see you after more than a fortnight! Don’t you worry about how our mother hen’s doing without you to mother-hen him? (^ - ^ ) (^- ^ ) (^ -^ )
Rubbing at his mildly irritated nose, Jun drowsily stared at the string of messages that had led to him sprawled horizontally on Sho’s couch on the early hours after clocking a twenty-hour workday. Rolling his eyes, he still couldn’t believe how easily he’d been emotionally wrangled to BE here. Okay, he knew WHY and HOW, but he just couldn’t believe that Masaki had pulled the one trump card that he would always be susceptible to.
He had fully intended to leave after dropping off the papers, determined to not let Masaki’s bullied-puppy facade blackmail him into a longer-than-necessary visit despite his extended absence (come on, he needed proper rest to be a consummate professional, okay?). However, Masaki had gotten him a little worried upon his arrival at Sho’s, pulling him quickly to a corner, as if not wanting Sho to be aware of his arrival. His normally cheerful face was subdued, so much so that Jun actually pondered if he should stay a little. Afterall, he knew that Masaki was due to leave in preparation for an overseas filming for Shimura-san’s show.
“He’s been in a little bit of a mood swing,” Aiba rubbed his nape absently, as if afraid that Jun would bite his head off for their patient’s recent behaviour.
“Why? Something you did?”
“No! I… don’t think so. Just that one moment he’s deep in thought, and then he’s all smiles and jokes. He insists that nothing wrong when we ask him. It’s almost scary how he reminds me of the teenage you in those moments,” Aiba seemed nervously embarrassed to point out the similarity.
Sho had poked his head around the corner then, cheerily greeting Jun in a manner that suggested he’d been missed, and effectively ending any further words the two younger men might have exchanged. Aiba had excused himself almost sorrowfully, apologizing profusely that he couldn’t stay longer or he’d never finish packing for his trip.
Accepting Sho’s offer for breakfast since he was already there, Jun surreptitiously took in the sight of the man he had not seen for almost three weeks as Sho bustled around his kitchen. There were signs that Sho was still recovering from the accident: the slight residual yellowish colour near his jaw and the tentative way he moved around as he carefully avoided sharp corners or bumping his left arm against things. All said and done, this was a far cry from that prone figure lying all too still on the hospital bed (the image of which haunted Jun’s thoughts at times), and Jun gave silent thanks that the worst seemed to be over.
“Jun-kun. Go rest first while I see what you can have for breakfast?” Even as he spoke, his carefully regulated movements hadn’t stopped.
“Really Sho. No need to trouble yourself,” Jun gave the older man an encouraging smile. “I managed to grab something on the way over,” he lied smoothly, reminding himself that the combination of the kitchen and Sho was one best avoided. While he hadn’t been around much the past weeks, the other members had kept him updated of Sho’s attempts to show his appreciation of his attentive ‘nursemaids’. Appreciation through cooking. That had never been one of his strengths, memory loss or not.
Craning his head around the open overhead cupboard, Sho threw Jun a narrowed look that suggested the latter’s thoughts had betrayed him somehow.
“I CAN make pancakes you know,” Sho deadpanned.
“Never said you couldn’t.”
“Edible ones at that.”
“Y~es.”
“Hey!” The protest would have carried more weight had it not been accompanied by a laugh that lit up Sho’s face.
“Really, Sho,” Jun said with a small laugh. “I’m fine.”
“Just… so you have something to eat… while I ask you something?” Sho’s smile had tightened fractionally, and Jun’s gut contracted at the possible implications of just what the man wanted to ask. It can’t be something that bad if he could still be sharing a few laughs with me a moment ago right… Was this what Masaki meant?
Forcing his face into impartiality to show no signs of his own distress, he nodded slightly and turned back towards the living area, his breath coming back in stops and starts once his back was presented to Sho.
In the kitchen, there was momentary silence, before the sounds of preparation for their pancake meal were gradually heard. Even as Jun’s heartbeat stuttered with the passing moments, the sounds of mixing batter, cracking eggs and light sizzling as the batter was lathered onto the pan helped distract his mind from Sho’s question. Until soft mutters of exasperation drifted over from the kitchen. Jun could not help sneaking a peek, and had to bite back his chortles at what he saw.
His reddened thumb trapped between his lips and brows drawn together in a pained frown, Sho’s expression was almost forlorn, but the fervour in the older man’s eyes as he stared down at the obviously burnt pancake reminded Jun that even with his memory lapse, the unwillingness to abandon what he’d started upon had not deserted the man before him.
“Much as I’m glad you want to feed me, maybe I can help?” Jun’s words caused Sho to look up, and the relief was only too evident in the latter’s eyes.
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By the time the two of them had settled themselves opposite each other with plates heaped with banana-filled pancakes, Jun chuckled lightly at Sho happily tucking into the meal before him.
“Enjoying them that much huh?”
“You make the best pancakes, Ma-chan.” Sho’s smile had returned to one that Jun had come to associate with the man, no longer the unyielding line that had earlier roused his wariness. Yet, he tried not to read too much into the use of that by-now painfully evocative nickname. With Sho’s reactions that he had seen, there was no way for him to know for sure if the man actually knew the name from memory or if one of the others had used it around him.
“Sorry I haven’t been to visit as often as the rest lately.” Jun’s tone was apologetic as he set aside his own empty plate and took a few more mouthfuls of the Breakfast Earl Grey that Sho liked so much. The heated beverage did well to relieve some of the sensitivity in his nasal passage, and more importantly he could feel himself lose a smite of the tension from before.
“The dedicated professional that you are, I think the concern would be higher if you HAD been around.” Sho too seemed to ease back into his former relaxed demeanour as he reached for more servings from the central serving plate.
“Did the doctors say anything about what to be mindful of after the discharge?” Jun hadn’t really needed to ask that; he’d ensured that he’d been updated by members and the hospital staff alike up till the previous week when Sho had been discharged, but he wanted Sho to know that even with how the situation had changed, he had no intentions to handle Sho with kid gloves. It would have been almost insulting to imply that the astute man would or should try to hide from the reality of his missing recollections. Not pressurizing didn’t mean circumventing afterall. And no, the small talk was not intended to fill space before whatever it was that Sho wanted to talk about.
“Physically, the signs are good. In others…” His tone turned a little quieter here. “… they suggested to let things run their natural course and not to… push too hard.”
Jun tried to sound supportive. “That’s… sound advic-”
The clang of silverware as Sho practically dropped his cutlery onto his plate halted whatever else Jun wanted to say. “But…”
“Sho…”
“Jun-kun. I want to ask you something. And you have to tell me the truth… or it’ll drive me crazy trying to figure it out.”
Jun’s heartbeat triple-timed, afraid of what Sho would say, yet buoyant with exultation that Sho might really be regaining his memories.
Sho’s voice was full of insecurity, constantly pausing as he stared down at his plate of half-eaten pancakes while relaying his thoughts. “I’ve been having dreams lately… increasingly so… though… half the time I wake up trying to recall the contents of the dream. Nothing really sticks, and sometimes I even forget that I’d dreamt. Until… two nights ago when I woke from a particularly vivid dream… that I can mostly remember. But I don’t know if it happened for real, or if I just imagined it all.” The last was said with a grimace and minute lowering of his head.
That Sho sounded so devastated at whatever it was that he dreamt or recalled gripped Jun in a momentary panic. Yet, Jun knew it was rare for the normally-confident Sho to sound this uncertain. Mood swing or otherwise, Sho was having difficulty coping.
“I thought of asking the others… but something just told me… I needed to talk to you.” Low as his voice had been, it held no traceable doubt.
Shifting himself to sit beside Sho rather than opposite him, Jun sympathetically touched Sho’s uninjured shoulder, giving him a few soothing pats as he waited for Sho’s bowed head to rise a little and his breaths to peter out.
“It was a variety show taping,” Sho began reticently even as Jun’s heart rose in his throat, thoughts automatically flashing to the day of the accident. “And Nino was there too. It was strange. It was like I was watching it as part of the audience, but I was also right there as part of the crew. Kaz was being filmed in the foreground while the two of us were seated at a long table in the background with food in front of us.” Sho finally looked up at Jun, watching Jun’s expression as he continued, tone growing a touch warmer than before. “I… I was teasing you… threatening to rub food or… sauce or something onto your suit, “A slightly mortified smile crossing his features, “And you tried to fend me off. Only… you were losing the battle and tried to run off laughing the whole time…”
Under Sho’s continued watchful gaze, Jun tried to stem the hurt of the words he’d heard as his arm unknowingly slipped off the other man’s shoulder. It didn’t really matter that the dream had been fallacy on Sho’s part; it felt painfully realistic of how their relationship had become in recent years, that fond badgering of easy camaraderie that had replaced Jun’s early Sho-worship years. What should Jun say? Sho seemed to want so badly for the dream to have been real when it was not; would he really have been happier if Jun said it was true when it wasn’t? It should have been perfectly logical for Jun to tell the truth, and yet… why was he stalling?
At the lack of response from Jun, Sho added, “I don’t know why… The camera was focused on Nino the whole time with us in the background… but it was like… it was the part that I recalled most distinctly when I awoke… That type of fanservice was never really… us… was it?” His tone was as if he was uncertain whether Jun would take offence. “Yet… it felt… nice… like how it made sense… even if it doesn’t. Does it?”
Jun felt as if he wanted to choke at the hushed words coming out of his mouth, “That… sounded like a nice dream Sho… but that was all it was.”
“Oh.” Sho’s face seemed to flush with bewilderment (or was it disappointment?) for a moment before he turned away hurriedly to begin clearing away their plates.
“Sho…”
The intensity of Sho’s focus on properly soaking and scrubbing the dishes brought a pang of regret to Jun for having put paid to Sho’s hopes that he had recalled a smidgen of what he had lost. As Jun struggled to find the words to give Sho some comfort, the older man’s voice cut into his thoughts.
“Sorry for sounding so… melodramatic just now, Jun-kun.” He threw Jun a somewhat wistful smile before turning back to the full sink. “At least I know now it wasn’t real.”
But it could, it SHOULD have been, Jun wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, and bit back the words that threatened to spill. Now was the time to think about helping Sho, not about himself and how he would have given the world for Sho to remember the rapport they had shared.
Jun found his feet turning towards the living room, the growing desire to continue beyond the room increasingly difficult to quell.
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By the time Sho was done washing up, Jun’s agitation had been wilfully, forcefully mellowed. Even as he stretched languorously to hold back the yawns that were creeping in after the long hours, he rationalized that it was a good thing really, Sho beginning to have dreams. Even if he couldn’t seem to recall what they were about or that they were even reflective of reality, Sho had indicated no signs of the trauma of the earlier nightmares at the hospital. Maybe his other dreams - if he could ever recall them - also projected his feelings, even if not the truth of how things actually were.
When Sho finally joined Jun on the couch leaving a modicum of space between them, he seemed to waver between wanting to say something and holding his tongue. He spooked a little when Jun angled his head to train a borderline-sleepy gaze on him.
“I think it would be a good idea to plan a getaway.”
“For me? Or are you referring to Arashi?”
“One, some, any of us. I think we all could use a break,” Jun had to stifle another sniffle and yawn even as he said the words. “Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe that you’re dreaming’s a sign that your body is finding a way to recover.”
“You could use one too, what with the way you’ve been peppering our talk with your not-so-subtle yawns,” Sho’s words were admonishing, but the concern still resonated through.
“Sorry,” Jun was muffled even as another jaw-breaking effort broke through, this time accompanied by a slight sneezing fit.
“You okay?” It was now Sho who had taken to rubbing the younger man’s back to offer some respite. “That doesn’t sound very good. You know, the Chinese believe that if you don’t have enough rest and your body gets too ‘heated up’, that’s what happens. Especially if you’re sensitive to temperature changes or dust.”
“Another result of your research?” Jun responded with a grin, trying to ignore the warmth of the other man’s touch. If nothing else, Jun appreciated the diversion from the earlier heavy atmosphere.
“That,” Sho added with a light colouring of his cheeks, “And I was just clearing out my stuff and found some cold medication in my bag. Was wondering what it was for, so I checked the label’s details on the Internet.”
It was just as well that the next bout of Jun’s sneezing effectively turned into a series of violent hacks and coughs. By the time Jun could catch his breath again, tears were just beginning to leak from the corners of his eyes.
“I think it best if I leave. Don’t want to chance passing any germs I might be carrying to you.” Jun’s paces towards the front door could not be any faster.
“Germs? But you’re not… Jun. Are you sure? You-” Sho’s footsteps hastened to keep pace with Jun.
“I’ll come by again soon, Sho-kun.”
“But we were talking about pla-”
Jun finally turned around to meet his eyes. “I’m… really tired Sho-kun.” Jun knew he should have offered a better excuse for his baffling, unprovoked brusqueness, but his panic button had been pushed one too many times within the space of a couple of hours. Coupled with his lack of proper rest - and by association, calm, rational logic - the desire to just spill his thoughts was screaming to make its way to the surface. And Jun could NOT let that happen.
“Right. How inconsiderate of me.” Sho’s polite abashment for something that was entirely out of his hands very nearly forced Jun to feel guilty enough to defend his unreasonable behaviour. Nearly… but not quite.
By the time the door closed on Jun, Sho had staunchly refused to meet his eyes. Jun would probably have felt better had the door been slammed on his face. As it was, the gentle slide of the lock felt too sickeningly like that of a keen blade sinking into his heart, bringing a quick and silent death to whatever it had been between them… just like before… dying even before anything could really begin.
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Cloud 9.1 here.
A/N: Sorry for all the continued angst. I really had that sakumotomiya dream! Funny how reality can be the stumbling block as well as inspiration for fic-writing.
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Rating: G
Word Count: 3,068 words
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Purely a figment of my imagination; the fic, that is. Not them, of course. :)
Summary: Sho has recovered enough to go home, but is he fully on the way to recovery? What does that mean for Jun?
A/N: This was supposed to have been final chapter, but it’s a struggle to be succinct. So sorry for the inability to convey in the optimal number of words, but hope the content’s worth it? After this, the end will be in one or two chapters. J As always, comments are love ©.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[ Prologue] | [ Chapter 1] | [ Chapter 2.1] | [ Chapter 2.2] | [ Chapter 3] | [ Chapter 4.1] | [ Chapter 4.2] | [ Chapter 5.1] | [ Chapter 5.2] | [ Chapter 6.1] | [ Chapter 6.2] | [ Chapter 6.3] | [ Chapter 7.1] | [ Chapter 7.2]
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[Late-May 2010]
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp, magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp, fishingriida@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: Mecha mecha SOS!
Can someone bring today’s newspapers over to Sho’s?! Accidentally spilled tea on his rug and grabbed the nearest thing on hand… I’ll text later wit-
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp, murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
From: magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
My incentive for such a self-sacrificing deed? Just got in a couple of hours ago. *yawn*
To: magicalcardgames@au.ne.jp, murasakiidos@au.ne.jp, fishingriida@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii @au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
What?! I thought you finally went for dinner with Oh-chan yester-… Oh… ( ^ O ^ ) Ho ho ho ho ho. Won’t disturb you… or Oh-chan then. … Jun-chan!!!
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
From: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
Fine Masaki. I’ll bring the papers later, though it beats me how you’re gonna stall Sho from reading the headlines till I get there.
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp,
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
Which is why I was hoping you’ll find it in your member-loving heart to bring it by in the next half hour or so? (>_<) m(_ _)m (>_<) m(_ _)m
To: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
From: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
(* _ *) You do realize I just got home after filming all night?
To: murasakiidos@au.ne.jp
From: doubutsuendaisukii@au.ne.jp
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mecha mecha SOS!
But you live the closest! And Nino and Riida are… busy. And Sho would love to see you after more than a fortnight! Don’t you worry about how our mother hen’s doing without you to mother-hen him? (^ - ^ ) (^- ^ ) (^ -^ )
Rubbing at his mildly irritated nose, Jun drowsily stared at the string of messages that had led to him sprawled horizontally on Sho’s couch on the early hours after clocking a twenty-hour workday. Rolling his eyes, he still couldn’t believe how easily he’d been emotionally wrangled to BE here. Okay, he knew WHY and HOW, but he just couldn’t believe that Masaki had pulled the one trump card that he would always be susceptible to.
He had fully intended to leave after dropping off the papers, determined to not let Masaki’s bullied-puppy facade blackmail him into a longer-than-necessary visit despite his extended absence (come on, he needed proper rest to be a consummate professional, okay?). However, Masaki had gotten him a little worried upon his arrival at Sho’s, pulling him quickly to a corner, as if not wanting Sho to be aware of his arrival. His normally cheerful face was subdued, so much so that Jun actually pondered if he should stay a little. Afterall, he knew that Masaki was due to leave in preparation for an overseas filming for Shimura-san’s show.
“He’s been in a little bit of a mood swing,” Aiba rubbed his nape absently, as if afraid that Jun would bite his head off for their patient’s recent behaviour.
“Why? Something you did?”
“No! I… don’t think so. Just that one moment he’s deep in thought, and then he’s all smiles and jokes. He insists that nothing wrong when we ask him. It’s almost scary how he reminds me of the teenage you in those moments,” Aiba seemed nervously embarrassed to point out the similarity.
Sho had poked his head around the corner then, cheerily greeting Jun in a manner that suggested he’d been missed, and effectively ending any further words the two younger men might have exchanged. Aiba had excused himself almost sorrowfully, apologizing profusely that he couldn’t stay longer or he’d never finish packing for his trip.
Accepting Sho’s offer for breakfast since he was already there, Jun surreptitiously took in the sight of the man he had not seen for almost three weeks as Sho bustled around his kitchen. There were signs that Sho was still recovering from the accident: the slight residual yellowish colour near his jaw and the tentative way he moved around as he carefully avoided sharp corners or bumping his left arm against things. All said and done, this was a far cry from that prone figure lying all too still on the hospital bed (the image of which haunted Jun’s thoughts at times), and Jun gave silent thanks that the worst seemed to be over.
“Jun-kun. Go rest first while I see what you can have for breakfast?” Even as he spoke, his carefully regulated movements hadn’t stopped.
“Really Sho. No need to trouble yourself,” Jun gave the older man an encouraging smile. “I managed to grab something on the way over,” he lied smoothly, reminding himself that the combination of the kitchen and Sho was one best avoided. While he hadn’t been around much the past weeks, the other members had kept him updated of Sho’s attempts to show his appreciation of his attentive ‘nursemaids’. Appreciation through cooking. That had never been one of his strengths, memory loss or not.
Craning his head around the open overhead cupboard, Sho threw Jun a narrowed look that suggested the latter’s thoughts had betrayed him somehow.
“I CAN make pancakes you know,” Sho deadpanned.
“Never said you couldn’t.”
“Edible ones at that.”
“Y~es.”
“Hey!” The protest would have carried more weight had it not been accompanied by a laugh that lit up Sho’s face.
“Really, Sho,” Jun said with a small laugh. “I’m fine.”
“Just… so you have something to eat… while I ask you something?” Sho’s smile had tightened fractionally, and Jun’s gut contracted at the possible implications of just what the man wanted to ask. It can’t be something that bad if he could still be sharing a few laughs with me a moment ago right… Was this what Masaki meant?
Forcing his face into impartiality to show no signs of his own distress, he nodded slightly and turned back towards the living area, his breath coming back in stops and starts once his back was presented to Sho.
In the kitchen, there was momentary silence, before the sounds of preparation for their pancake meal were gradually heard. Even as Jun’s heartbeat stuttered with the passing moments, the sounds of mixing batter, cracking eggs and light sizzling as the batter was lathered onto the pan helped distract his mind from Sho’s question. Until soft mutters of exasperation drifted over from the kitchen. Jun could not help sneaking a peek, and had to bite back his chortles at what he saw.
His reddened thumb trapped between his lips and brows drawn together in a pained frown, Sho’s expression was almost forlorn, but the fervour in the older man’s eyes as he stared down at the obviously burnt pancake reminded Jun that even with his memory lapse, the unwillingness to abandon what he’d started upon had not deserted the man before him.
“Much as I’m glad you want to feed me, maybe I can help?” Jun’s words caused Sho to look up, and the relief was only too evident in the latter’s eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time the two of them had settled themselves opposite each other with plates heaped with banana-filled pancakes, Jun chuckled lightly at Sho happily tucking into the meal before him.
“Enjoying them that much huh?”
“You make the best pancakes, Ma-chan.” Sho’s smile had returned to one that Jun had come to associate with the man, no longer the unyielding line that had earlier roused his wariness. Yet, he tried not to read too much into the use of that by-now painfully evocative nickname. With Sho’s reactions that he had seen, there was no way for him to know for sure if the man actually knew the name from memory or if one of the others had used it around him.
“Sorry I haven’t been to visit as often as the rest lately.” Jun’s tone was apologetic as he set aside his own empty plate and took a few more mouthfuls of the Breakfast Earl Grey that Sho liked so much. The heated beverage did well to relieve some of the sensitivity in his nasal passage, and more importantly he could feel himself lose a smite of the tension from before.
“The dedicated professional that you are, I think the concern would be higher if you HAD been around.” Sho too seemed to ease back into his former relaxed demeanour as he reached for more servings from the central serving plate.
“Did the doctors say anything about what to be mindful of after the discharge?” Jun hadn’t really needed to ask that; he’d ensured that he’d been updated by members and the hospital staff alike up till the previous week when Sho had been discharged, but he wanted Sho to know that even with how the situation had changed, he had no intentions to handle Sho with kid gloves. It would have been almost insulting to imply that the astute man would or should try to hide from the reality of his missing recollections. Not pressurizing didn’t mean circumventing afterall. And no, the small talk was not intended to fill space before whatever it was that Sho wanted to talk about.
“Physically, the signs are good. In others…” His tone turned a little quieter here. “… they suggested to let things run their natural course and not to… push too hard.”
Jun tried to sound supportive. “That’s… sound advic-”
The clang of silverware as Sho practically dropped his cutlery onto his plate halted whatever else Jun wanted to say. “But…”
“Sho…”
“Jun-kun. I want to ask you something. And you have to tell me the truth… or it’ll drive me crazy trying to figure it out.”
Jun’s heartbeat triple-timed, afraid of what Sho would say, yet buoyant with exultation that Sho might really be regaining his memories.
Sho’s voice was full of insecurity, constantly pausing as he stared down at his plate of half-eaten pancakes while relaying his thoughts. “I’ve been having dreams lately… increasingly so… though… half the time I wake up trying to recall the contents of the dream. Nothing really sticks, and sometimes I even forget that I’d dreamt. Until… two nights ago when I woke from a particularly vivid dream… that I can mostly remember. But I don’t know if it happened for real, or if I just imagined it all.” The last was said with a grimace and minute lowering of his head.
That Sho sounded so devastated at whatever it was that he dreamt or recalled gripped Jun in a momentary panic. Yet, Jun knew it was rare for the normally-confident Sho to sound this uncertain. Mood swing or otherwise, Sho was having difficulty coping.
“I thought of asking the others… but something just told me… I needed to talk to you.” Low as his voice had been, it held no traceable doubt.
Shifting himself to sit beside Sho rather than opposite him, Jun sympathetically touched Sho’s uninjured shoulder, giving him a few soothing pats as he waited for Sho’s bowed head to rise a little and his breaths to peter out.
“It was a variety show taping,” Sho began reticently even as Jun’s heart rose in his throat, thoughts automatically flashing to the day of the accident. “And Nino was there too. It was strange. It was like I was watching it as part of the audience, but I was also right there as part of the crew. Kaz was being filmed in the foreground while the two of us were seated at a long table in the background with food in front of us.” Sho finally looked up at Jun, watching Jun’s expression as he continued, tone growing a touch warmer than before. “I… I was teasing you… threatening to rub food or… sauce or something onto your suit, “A slightly mortified smile crossing his features, “And you tried to fend me off. Only… you were losing the battle and tried to run off laughing the whole time…”
Under Sho’s continued watchful gaze, Jun tried to stem the hurt of the words he’d heard as his arm unknowingly slipped off the other man’s shoulder. It didn’t really matter that the dream had been fallacy on Sho’s part; it felt painfully realistic of how their relationship had become in recent years, that fond badgering of easy camaraderie that had replaced Jun’s early Sho-worship years. What should Jun say? Sho seemed to want so badly for the dream to have been real when it was not; would he really have been happier if Jun said it was true when it wasn’t? It should have been perfectly logical for Jun to tell the truth, and yet… why was he stalling?
At the lack of response from Jun, Sho added, “I don’t know why… The camera was focused on Nino the whole time with us in the background… but it was like… it was the part that I recalled most distinctly when I awoke… That type of fanservice was never really… us… was it?” His tone was as if he was uncertain whether Jun would take offence. “Yet… it felt… nice… like how it made sense… even if it doesn’t. Does it?”
Jun felt as if he wanted to choke at the hushed words coming out of his mouth, “That… sounded like a nice dream Sho… but that was all it was.”
“Oh.” Sho’s face seemed to flush with bewilderment (or was it disappointment?) for a moment before he turned away hurriedly to begin clearing away their plates.
“Sho…”
The intensity of Sho’s focus on properly soaking and scrubbing the dishes brought a pang of regret to Jun for having put paid to Sho’s hopes that he had recalled a smidgen of what he had lost. As Jun struggled to find the words to give Sho some comfort, the older man’s voice cut into his thoughts.
“Sorry for sounding so… melodramatic just now, Jun-kun.” He threw Jun a somewhat wistful smile before turning back to the full sink. “At least I know now it wasn’t real.”
But it could, it SHOULD have been, Jun wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, and bit back the words that threatened to spill. Now was the time to think about helping Sho, not about himself and how he would have given the world for Sho to remember the rapport they had shared.
Jun found his feet turning towards the living room, the growing desire to continue beyond the room increasingly difficult to quell.
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By the time Sho was done washing up, Jun’s agitation had been wilfully, forcefully mellowed. Even as he stretched languorously to hold back the yawns that were creeping in after the long hours, he rationalized that it was a good thing really, Sho beginning to have dreams. Even if he couldn’t seem to recall what they were about or that they were even reflective of reality, Sho had indicated no signs of the trauma of the earlier nightmares at the hospital. Maybe his other dreams - if he could ever recall them - also projected his feelings, even if not the truth of how things actually were.
When Sho finally joined Jun on the couch leaving a modicum of space between them, he seemed to waver between wanting to say something and holding his tongue. He spooked a little when Jun angled his head to train a borderline-sleepy gaze on him.
“I think it would be a good idea to plan a getaway.”
“For me? Or are you referring to Arashi?”
“One, some, any of us. I think we all could use a break,” Jun had to stifle another sniffle and yawn even as he said the words. “Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe that you’re dreaming’s a sign that your body is finding a way to recover.”
“You could use one too, what with the way you’ve been peppering our talk with your not-so-subtle yawns,” Sho’s words were admonishing, but the concern still resonated through.
“Sorry,” Jun was muffled even as another jaw-breaking effort broke through, this time accompanied by a slight sneezing fit.
“You okay?” It was now Sho who had taken to rubbing the younger man’s back to offer some respite. “That doesn’t sound very good. You know, the Chinese believe that if you don’t have enough rest and your body gets too ‘heated up’, that’s what happens. Especially if you’re sensitive to temperature changes or dust.”
“Another result of your research?” Jun responded with a grin, trying to ignore the warmth of the other man’s touch. If nothing else, Jun appreciated the diversion from the earlier heavy atmosphere.
“That,” Sho added with a light colouring of his cheeks, “And I was just clearing out my stuff and found some cold medication in my bag. Was wondering what it was for, so I checked the label’s details on the Internet.”
It was just as well that the next bout of Jun’s sneezing effectively turned into a series of violent hacks and coughs. By the time Jun could catch his breath again, tears were just beginning to leak from the corners of his eyes.
“I think it best if I leave. Don’t want to chance passing any germs I might be carrying to you.” Jun’s paces towards the front door could not be any faster.
“Germs? But you’re not… Jun. Are you sure? You-” Sho’s footsteps hastened to keep pace with Jun.
“I’ll come by again soon, Sho-kun.”
“But we were talking about pla-”
Jun finally turned around to meet his eyes. “I’m… really tired Sho-kun.” Jun knew he should have offered a better excuse for his baffling, unprovoked brusqueness, but his panic button had been pushed one too many times within the space of a couple of hours. Coupled with his lack of proper rest - and by association, calm, rational logic - the desire to just spill his thoughts was screaming to make its way to the surface. And Jun could NOT let that happen.
“Right. How inconsiderate of me.” Sho’s polite abashment for something that was entirely out of his hands very nearly forced Jun to feel guilty enough to defend his unreasonable behaviour. Nearly… but not quite.
By the time the door closed on Jun, Sho had staunchly refused to meet his eyes. Jun would probably have felt better had the door been slammed on his face. As it was, the gentle slide of the lock felt too sickeningly like that of a keen blade sinking into his heart, bringing a quick and silent death to whatever it had been between them… just like before… dying even before anything could really begin.
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Cloud 9.1 here.
A/N: Sorry for all the continued angst. I really had that sakumotomiya dream! Funny how reality can be the stumbling block as well as inspiration for fic-writing.
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