Four times Jared and Jensen didn't have sex, and one they did, Part 1

Jul 02, 2011 13:47


This is a sequel to my ridiculously titled Extraordinary Tale of Jensen's Heroic Exploits, although you don't have to read that first. This was written for my 'abandonment issues' square in hc_bingo. The experiment worked!

Title: Four times Jared and Jensen didn't have sex, and one they did.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Warnings: References to past slavery, abuse, non-con and dub-con. Explicit sex. Schmoopy angst.
Word Count: 10616
Summary: Jared's been rescued from his life as Captain Peters' cabin boy, but he's having a hard time adjusting to life on Jensen's ship.
Disclaimer: I don't know any of the people who are named here and the events described never happened.


1

Jared had been trying really, really hard to not screw everything up. It was difficult. Everything was so different from what he knew before. For starters, there was all the sailing stuff he didn’t really know how to do. Everyone had been so patient and helpful, teaching him things he needd to know, over and over again. But he wasn’t learning fast enough and eventually the crew and Jensen would get tired of having to pick up his slack. And then there was... everything else. Jensen hadn’t said anything about wanting his bunk to himself once more, and they were still sharing it. Every night they squeezed into it, side by side, back to back, and Jared wasn’t sure why. Jared was starting to think Jensen was never going to touch him like the Captain had. He seemed to have all these rules about it. But if that wasn’t going to happen, then Jared wasn’t sure why Jensen hadn’t sent him to sleep in the hold with the rest of the crew. Jensen had every right to ask for his own space, but he hadn’t, and Jared wasn’t sure why.

He’d been thinking about this for over a week, ever since they left Jacob and Attis on that desolate little island. He thought that maybe Jensen wanted him. He’d said he did, anyway, although Jared couldn’t make sense of Jensen’s actions since then if that was really the case. Jensen had said that he wanted Jared, and then spelled out some conditions for when he’d be willing to sleep with him. Not if Jared felt obligated, he’d said, which made no sense, because Jared did feel obligated, because he was obligated. And Jared didn’t want Jensen to think he was ungrateful. So that didn’t work. Not if Jared was scared, that was the other thing he’d said. Jared thought this one was really unfair. He’d been afraid for so long that he didn’t think he knew how to be anything else. Everyone had been very patient and kind, and Jared even felt like he could maybe trust them a bit, but that just made the fear come back, because what if he was wrong? And what if he became too trusting, too reliant on everyone’s goodwill, and that made him less cautious and he messed thing up that way? He just couldn’t afford to let go of his fear completely.

The other thing Jensen had said was, only if it’s what you want. That they would only have sex if Jared wanted to. That was a real worry, because Jared couldn’t really imagine wanting to have sex. Lots of people seemed to like it. Chad talked about it all the time, for example. But whatever made other people like it so much, it seemed like Jared was missing.

Unfortunately, not messing everything up had never really been a talent of Jared’s. He’d screwed up a lot since coming aboard the Black Gazelle. No-one had been nasty about all the mistakes he keeps making, but Jared tried to remember them all anyway, in the hopes that he wouldn’t make the same mistake too many times. There are knots he still couldn’t tie, and parts of the rigging he still didn’t dare climb to. Jared didn’t know how many more times Jensen would forgive him for screwing up. He can’t expect to know. Jared hadn’t known he’d used up his last chance with his parents until they got rid of him. It’s safest to assume that this is his last shot, that every mistake he makes could be the end of everything. That way, when it happens, at least he’ll be prepared.

This was what led to Jared’s current predicament. Not paying Jensen enough attention was messing things up. Not paying Jensen the right kind of attention was messing things up. Jared knew this because it had made Jacob really unhappy when Jared didn’t give him enough attention. So this was really important. But Jensen had all these rules about whether or not they can have sex, and if Jared didn’t figure out a way to follow them all and they don’t have sex, then it might be enough for Jensen to get fed up with keeping him around. Jensen had promised he wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t that Jared thought he was lying or that Jensen would set out to deceive him. It was just that Jensen didn’t seem to have realised yet that Jared wasn’t really good for much. Jared couldn’t expect him to keep a promise he made when he didn’t know any better.

So, Jared formed his plan. His Get-Jensen-to-Have-Sex-With-Him Plan. It wasn’t a great plan, or anything. He was pretty sure that if he got the circumstances right and said the right things, it would happen. It frightened him far more to not try to get Jensen to sleep with him than the alternative. And, while he wasn’t sure sex was something he wanted for himself, he really wanted to show his appreciation to Jensen for everything he’d done, so there was that. He was pretty sure Jensen would totally disagree with his reasoning, and that worried him a little bit. He couldn’t figure out what he was supposed to do; all the options seemed wrong in some way, and he didn’t want to do something Jensen would disapprove of, but that seemed inevitable.

At that moment, Jensen walked into the cabin, effectively putting a stop to Jared’s contemplation. It was time to put his plan into action, so Jared got up and walked over, feeling nervous but determined to continue. He gave Jensen what he intended to be a seductive smile, although it didn’t feel right on his face. He wasn’t at all sure what he was doing. The Captain had never waited for Jared to make an advance like this. Jacob had expected it, sometimes, but Jared had known how to read him. He was terribly afraid of displeasing Jensen without realising it. Jensen was looking at him with a fairly blank expression, and Jared didn’t know if that meant he should continue or not.

“Alone at last,” Jared said. It was kind of a ridiculous thing to say. They were alone in this very same room just four hours earlier. But he knew how this went, at least. The words weren’t important, he just had to set the mood. Jensen didn’t move, so Jared swallowed his fear and put his hand on Jensen’s forearm, hoping that Jensen would soon catch up.

Jensen raised an eyebrow at him. It wasn’t a particularly encouraging expression, and Jared froze. “What’s going on?” Jensen asked. Jared’s heart sank. If Jensen had to ask, he was definitely doing something wrong. But it was too late to stop now.

“I thought. That we could. You know.” Jared did his best to explain, but can’t quite force the words out.

“No, I don’t know,” Jensen answered. That can’t possibly be true, Jared thought frantically, he’d been as clear as he could, but he couldn’t accuse Jensen of lying.

“We could have sex. If you want,” Jared blurted finally. Jensen just looked at him, and he could feel his face heating up. He couldn’t quite imagine how humiliating it would be if Jensen turned out not to want him at all. He’d said that he did, and why else would he keep Jared around? But he wasn’t acting the right way.

For a long moment, Jensen seemed to be considering his words. Eventually, he said, “Why?” He didn’t ask the question in a nasty way, as though he was actually asking, ‘why on earth would I want to do that?’ He was asking as though he really wanted Jared to answer.

Jared thought he was probably supposed to say that he wanted to. Jensen had been really insistent about that. But suddenly he couldn’t... he was beginning to think Jensen actually didn’t want anything to do with him, and it would be terribly unfair for him to push Jensen into sex if it wasn’t what he wanted. “If you want to,” he said weakly, “Then we should.”

“And do you want to, as well?”

At this prompting, Jared was able to nod hastily, “Yes. Yes, of course.”

Jensen twisted his mouth unhappily and gave a slight shake of his head. “Jared...” he begins, trailing off into speechlessness.

“I do! Really! Um... but, I mean, only if you want to.”

“Stop.” Jared clamped his jaws shut and tried not to cry. It was totally humiliating, just like he’d imagined. “You don’t want to have sex, you’re so frightened right now you can’t even stand still.”

Jared hadn’t noticed until Jensen pointed it out the way he was shifting his weight and fidgeting with his hands. He tried to stop but couldn’t keep himself from shaking. Jensen was kind enough not to comment.

“I don’t know how to convince you Jared, you don’t have to keep offering me sex to be able to stay on the ship.” Jared nodded. He believed that Jensen meant what he’s saying, but Jensen hadn’t realised yet that Jared had nothing else to offer.

“I’d never forgive myself if I wound up taking advantage of you. Again.” Jensen looked so sad when he said that that Jared just nodded again, even though it didn’t make sense. Jared was the one who initiated things then, just like this time. Jared was the one who should feel bad.

“Okay?” Jensen asked.

Jared nodded. It really wasn’t, but there was nothing he could do about it. Except, maybe, give Jensen his own space back, now it was clear he wasn’t keeping Jared nearby so he could service Jensen.

“I think, um, I think maybe I should sleep with the crew. In the hold. And...” he wanted to say, get out of your way, let you have your room back, but Jensen was already nodding and his shoulders looked more relaxed, almost like he was relieved.

“Yeah,” said Jensen. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

Jared said nothing in reply. Clearly, Jensen had been sharing his cabin all this time out of kindness, which Jared had taken advantage of. He should have made this suggestion long ago.

***************

2

Jared was very nervous when he first descended the ladder into the hold where the crew slept. On the Cat’s Eye, he had avoided this place as much as he could. He had never gone there willingly, only when he had angered the Captain greatly and he’d decided the only sufficient punishment was for Jared to spend the night in the hold, where the crew could do as they liked with him. Jensen’s crew had never done anything to make Jared think they would treat him that way. But that might change if he were spending time among them well away from Jensen’s eyes.

There wasn’t a lot of space, and the ceiling was too low for Jared to stand upright. Instead of proper bunks, like the one in Jensen’s cabin, the crew slept in hammocks which hung from the beams and were tucked into every corner. Jared wound up sharing a hammock with Richard. He didn’t know the other man very well, because he was on the port watch and always on duty when Jared was off, but he’d offered to share with only a half-hearted admonition not to touch his things. Jared had nodded seriously, and clutched his own belongings to his chest. He didn’t dare give any similar warnings about respecting his own possessions, and merely hoped that they weren’t considered worth taking. He only had a few changes of clothes, anyway. He tucked the sack against the wall under the hammock.

It wasn’t in a great spot, being so near the hatch. The damp and cold got in easily, and every time someone went in or out of the hold, it woke Jared up. The senior members of the crew slept up the other end, where it was warmer and quieter. Jared didn’t mind. The hammock was comfortable and the crew left him in peace. Often, when Jared came off duty, he had to shake Richard awake, and he would stumble up the ladder, bleary eyed and cursing. (At first, Jared hadn’t dared wake the other man. Chris had done it, by tossing mugs of water over Richard’s face. Richard had been pissed. Not at Chris; at Jared for not waking him first. Now, Jared always made sure to wake Richard up if he was still sleeping, and Richard did the same for him. Their conversations were made up largely of semi-coherent mumblings.)

Moving from Jensen’s cabin to the hold didn’t change things much. He still did the same work and the crew all seemed to treat him the same way. He spent a lot of time swabbing the deck, and sifting the gunpowder so it didn’t become damp and useless. His hands started to develop calluses, the skin growing rough and dry. Jared would rub his hands together and listen to the rasping noise that resulted. When he’d first come aboard the ship, and Jensen hadn’t known what to do with him, he’d been stuck down in the bilge working the pumps, for hours. He’d never done work like that before, but he’d hoped that if he proved himself, he might be allowed to earn his keep by working, instead of... what the Captain had kept him for. He’d kept working those pumps for hours, even when his hands started to bleed, determined to show that he could be useful, and not just for warming someone’s bed. The Captain would have been furious if he could see Jared’s hands now, all rough and covered in lots of tiny cuts and scratches. Jared picked at a scab on his knuckle and smiled.

A month, or maybe two, passed like that. Jared learned how to tie a bunch of knots properly, and could hardly believe he’d found it so difficult only weeks before. He even started to feel more comfortable going aloft. He could climb the lower levels without feeling nervous at all. He still didn’t like going higher than that, but he did anyway, because it seemed like any time someone was needed to go up the rigging, Jensen called on Jared to do it. Jared didn’t complain. He though Jensen was maybe still angry with him for - well, whatever he’d done wrong. Jared still wasn’t sure what that was, but he wasn’t very bright and Jensen had every right to be mad at him. Maybe Jensen could tell he didn’t like it, though, because then someone started leaving Jared’s meals in pails hanging from the mast. They got higher every day, and Jared almost thought he would have skipped eating and gone hungry if it wouldn’t make everyone think him a coward.

When Jared wasn’t working or sleeping, he played chess with Jim or watched the others play cards. They always offered to let him join in, but the idea of playing a game with so many other people made Jared a bit too nervous, so he always declined. Sometimes, he worried that the others might grow tired of him just hanging around, and he would go sit by himself in a quiet corner of the ship. Someone would always come and find him, though. Chad would turn up, seemingly at random, and hang around talking about nothing. Talking mostly to himself, because Jared never knew what to say. Chad didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes it was Mike, with a smile just a little bit gentler than normal and a terrible joke that Jared hadn’t heard before. Sometimes it was Tom, who would usually be carrying a book, or sometimes a letter. They never talked much, but Tom would sometimes read a chapter of his book aloud. He always offered to let Jared borrow them, but Jared never accepted. Eventually, Jared felt guilty for making people come looking for him, taking them away from whatever they’d rather be doing, and he stayed around the others.

Misha and Jim taught him things, sometimes. Not to do with working the ship. They gave him books to read, and helped him when he had trouble with them. Jim taught him to do sums, and Misha would always make a point of telling him about the history of the places they sailed to. Jared knew he wasn’t all that bright. He hadn’t been to school since he was eleven, and he hadn’t been the best student before that either. He was embarrassed to have Jim and Misha see how stupid he was, but it was nice to be learning new things beyond what he simply needed to know to survive.

One day, Jared realised that he’d stopped expecting everyone to get tired of being so nice to him. He had to go sit in the mess, which was empty, it being between mealtimes, and quietly freak out, shake and bite his knuckles to keep quiet.

It was Chad who found him that time. He wandered into the mess maybe twenty minutes later, picking up a leftover slice of stale bread as though that was all he was looking for. He sat down not far from Jared and began telling a long, rambling story about a conversation he’d had with David. Jared didn’t respond to anything he said, but he listened closely, not really taking in the words but enjoying the rise and fall of Chad’s voice. He snapped to attention when Chad suddenly stopped speaking, and glancing to the side he saw Chad watching him.

“If I’m annoying you, you can just tell me to piss off,” said Chad, like it was nothing, like Jared could just say that to him and he wouldn’t even care. For a minute, Jared was too stunned to reply.

“No,” he said at last. “No, stay.”

Chad nodded, and launched right back into his story like he’d never stopped.

A few days after that, they docked in a fairly large town and spent the night there. When they left the next day, the Gazelle had gained a new crew member.

The kid’s name was Alex. He was actually a year older than Jared, although he was several inches shorter. He was friendly and outgoing and got along with everyone. Within his first day aboard ship, he had made Jeff laugh at one of his jokes, informed Misha that one of his favourite writers had completed a new book, and convinced Jim to alter one of his recipes to make it sweeter. He slept in the hammock on the other side of the hatch from Jared’s, and, although they weren’t on the same watch, Jared still noticed what he did when he was on duty.

Suddenly, Alex was the one who was always being sent off to swab the decks, or sift the gunpowder, or pump the bilges. Those were Jared’s jobs. Except, now they weren’t anymore, they were this kid Alex’s instead, and Jared was sure Alex did them better than he ever had. Suddenly, Chris had Alex running up the mast a dozen times a day for every little thing. All his meals were left up there. Sometimes, Alex would complain that an item of clothing had gone missing, only to see it soon after hanging far up in the rigging.

Jared couldn’t remember the last time he’d been sent aloft for something besides letting down or taking in sail. He’d almost think that Jensen had forgotten he was alive, except that Jensen kept giving him other things to do. Like manning the helm, or checking the hull for damage. Of course, someone always stood by him at the helm, or followed behind him to double check everything he did. Jared wasn’t trusted to do his own work anymore, and he wondered what he’d done to cause that to happen. He wished he could do his work well, and show that he was up to the job, but he kept making mistakes and needing to be told what to do, so that just made things worse.

One day, when Jared was at the helm with Tom, Alex was playing cards with Chris, Steve and David, nearby enough that Jared could hear them talking. They were laughing and joking, and Chris was ragging on Alex about something. First it was his hair, then his shirt, then the fact that he washed more frequently than anyone else aboard the ship. (Sometimes as often as every second day.) Alex, for his part, responded with insults about Chris’s facial hair, his height, and the fact that he played the fiddle. They went around in a circle of friendly bickering, until Chris called Alex a cheeky bastard and Alex had retorted with a crack about Chris’s mother. Jared watched from the corner of his eye while trying to pretend he wasn’t actually aware of what was happening. He tried to imagine himself doing that, having Chris tell him his shirt was ugly and just laughing like it didn’t matter, or saying, ‘that’s what your mom said!’ He couldn’t.

Was that what he was supposed to be like? All loud and happy and disrespectful? Jared couldn’t even think about acting so impolitely without half expecting someone to turn around and hit him. But he couldn’t help but notice the way the others looked sometimes, when someone told a joke and everyone laughed, except Jared who only gave a tiny smile. Or when someone said something to him that he thought maybe wasn’t serious, but he couldn’t be quite sure, so he answered as though it was, just to be safe. Then there’d be the disappointment and the sad looks. No-one had said anything about it, but Jared knew he wasn’t fitting in with the crew very well. He was still an outsider, and it wasn’t because they weren’t letting him in. It was just that Jared didn’t know how to be around people who didn’t want to hurt him.

Looking at Alex, Jared started to feel displaced. After less than a month, Alex was friendlier with the crew than Jared had managed in nearly four. He did all the things that Jared used to do, and was probably better at them, while Jared was stuck doing work he kept screwing up, with someone watching so they could fix up all his mistakes. It hit Jared then. He wasn’t being displaced, he was being replaced. With Alex around, they didn’t need him to work the ship. Jensen had promised Jared work, but that had been before, and Jared had known all along he’d eventually realise what a bad idea that was. Jared could only blame himself for forgetting that and getting comfortable.

It wouldn’t be long now before everyone started to wonder why they were keeping Jared around. And Jared knew, if he couldn’t be a deckhand, well, there was only one other thing he was good for. He’d realised that he didn’t want to leave the ship. It wasn’t just that everyone had been kind to him - they had, but it was more than that. They were all good people, and Jared liked them. He liked Jensen. Before, Jared had wanted to stay just because the idea of going somewhere else was so intimidating. It still was, but he’d also become sort of happy on the ship. It was a bit like a home, somewhere he felt safe. He didn’t want to leave, so he came up with a plan. Well. It wasn’t exactly a new plan. Actually, it was pretty much the same as his last plan, but the stakes were a lot higher now, so he had to make it work.

Jared was able to meet Jensen outside his cabin at the end of the watch. Jensen looked his way and gave a small smile. He looked relaxed and happy. Jared looked back. They hadn’t really spent time together since Jared had moved out of Jensen’s cabin, and now, as Jared looked at Jensen, thinking about what he was going to try to do, he suddenly looked different. Less imposing and severe, more approachable and, well, and handsome. Jared was suddenly very aware that Jensen was an extremely good looking man.

“Hey, Jared,” said Jensen when he was close enough. “Something I can do for you?”

Jared was extremely proud that his nerves didn’t show at all in his voice when he replied, “Well, it’s really more what I can do for you.”

Jensen simply raised an eyebrow and looked sort of confused, so Jared tried something he never had before. He stepped in closer to Jensen and pressed their lips together.

He’d never initiated a kiss like this before. The Captain had never kissed him, of course. Jacob had, sometimes, but he hadn’t liked it when Jared tried to kiss him first. This was different; Jensen wasn’t pushing him away, but he wasn’t kissing him back either. Jared kept the kiss soft and hoped Jensen would eventually take the lead. Jared was pretty nervous, but he found that even now he wasn’t worried that Jensen would hit him, or yell at him. He was worried that Jensen would kick him off the ship next time they docked, but if the plan worked then that wouldn’t happen.

When the kiss had stretched on for awhile with Jensen not showing any kind of reaction, Jared backed off. Jensen’s face was still carefully blank, which Jared knew by now was not a good sign.

“What’s going on?” Jensen asked.

“Um.” Jared tried to come up with something appropriately flirty. “Nothing, if we’re just going to stand around out here.”

Jensen seemed to consider this, before opening the cabin door and leading the way inside. Jared followed with some trepidation. He watched Jensen light the lamp and sit on the edge of his desk, slowly losing hope that this was going to work. Last time, he’d just been afraid. This time, he was surprised to find that Jensen’s rejection left him feeling hurt. He’d never cared before whether someone wanted him or not, except inasmuch as that influenced how likely they were to hurt him.

“You’re upset about something,” Jensen said, with just the slightest inflection at the end suggesting that he wanted a reply.

Jared struggled with what to say. He found that around Jensen he could never manage to express himself the way he wanted to. He resolved to keep things simple. “No, I’m not.”

“Okay,” said Jensen, his tone of voice suggesting that he didn’t believe Jared at all. “Then what... I mean, I don’t want to be an asshole, but last time you wanted to have sex, it was because you were scared. So, I’m kind of wondering if something’s happened to make you feel scared. If you tell me, I promise I’ll try to fix it.”

“No! No, no, not at all.” This was a bigger disaster than Jared had thought. Jensen thought Jared didn’t want to sleep with him at all, that he was just doing this to try to manipulate Jensen. That hurt even more than his initial rejection. “I’m not - not having a freak-out, I promise. I just...” Jared wanted to say that he really wanted to have sex with Jensen, but he could tell Jensen wasn’t going to buy that.

“You just what?”

“I just... I just want to stay here. I want to stay on the ship.” Jared hadn’t meant to tell the truth, but he was so tired of trying to figure out what everyone wanted him to say, only to have them not believe him when he said it.

Now Jensen just looked confused. “But... of course you can stay on the ship. Why... did someone say something to you? Did they? You can tell me who it was, Jared, I promise...”

“No, no-one said anything to me, everyone’s been wonderful. I just. You know. You’ve got Alex now.”

“Alex? What does he have to do with anything?”

Jared wanted to yell with frustration. “You know!” How did Jensen not get this? “You hired on Alex. He can do the work now, you don’t need me. It’s okay. Anyway, I’m really better at...” Jared nodded his head over towards the bunk. “So, if you still don’t mind me staying on the ship, we could do that.”

“You can’t even say it,” Jensen murmured absently. Jared flushed. He knew, after everything he’d done and had done to him, it was stupid to be embarrassed to talk about sex. He couldn’t help it.

Jared began to open his mouth to speak. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but Jensen interrupted anyway. “Okay,” he said seriously. “Okay. Jared... I think there’s been a misunderstanding. So let me clear some things up. Alex isn’t here to replace you.”

“But...”

“You know, about five months ago, three of my crew were killed?”

Jared winced, and nodded. Jensen was referring to the men who’d been killed in the raid on the Captain’s ship, the one where Jensen had found Jared.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” said Jensen, apparently reading Jared’s mind. “We wanted Peters dead. We didn’t even know you existed. They didn’t die because of you.”

Jared nodded, because Jensen’s voice left no room for argument.

“So, anyway, we’ve been short-handed for awhile. You filled one spot, and now Alex has filled another. That’s it. We might end up taking on someone else eventually, but maybe not.”

Jensen paused for a minute, so Jared felt bold enough to press. “He’s doing... all the jobs I used to do. “ It suddenly felt like a very stupid complaint, mostly because of the way Jensen was looking at him.

“Um... yeah?” Jensen hesitated, and, when Jared still demonstrated his brilliant ability to not get it, he explained, “You’re not the bottom of the ladder anymore, Jared. You know how to do all that stuff now. So you’re ready to learn something new. And once you’ve learned that, we’ll teach you something else. That’s... you didn’t think we’d have you pumping the bilges till the end of time, did you?”

Jared wasn’t sure how to answer. “That’s - that would have been okay. I wouldn’t have minded.”

Jensen got that sad look again, the one Jared hated. “I know. But it wouldn’t have been okay. That’s not... it’s not how this works, okay? You’re not, like, just here to do all the shit work. You’re one of us.”

Jared nodded obediently, and for the first time he started to feel like Jensen really meant that. As though he was really just doing the same things everyone else on the ship had done, worked the same jobs and learned the same skills, and one day maybe he would know all the same things they knew. That was kind of a heady thought.

“Is anything else bothering you?”

Jared thought about all the doubts he’d been having, about fitting in with the crew and being able to learn everything he needed to know and not seeming like too much of a freak to everyone else. He decided not to talk to Jensen about that, but was surprised to find himself considering it at all. He could tell Jensen everything, if he wanted to. He would try to make it better, although Jared doubted there was much Jensen could do to fix him. He was pretty fucked up. “There’s nothing else,” he said, offering a little smile. “Just... thanks. For listening to me be stupid and stuff. I feel better.”

“It’s fine,” said Jensen. “I mean, you’re not being stupid. It’s good, that you talked to me. I’m glad I could help. And, if, you know, if you’re worrying about stuff again, just talk to me, okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

Part2

j2, h/c bingo, pirates

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