Kagefumi (23/29)
Title: Kagefumi
Author: Fabi & Dani (dani_mathoz)
Translator: br_arashi Thank you ♥
Pairing: Ohmiya (main), Aiba x ? (mentioned)
Genre: Romance and Angst
Rating: NC-17
Summary: 'Two lonely and suffered hearts look in the shadows of an agitated city, the light that can free them from the darkness in which they live'
Disclaimer: I don't own them, sadly ;-;
Just a reminder, English is not our first language please be kind ♥
CHAPTER 23
Satoshi hung up the phone and smiled, tenderly. He almost surrendered at his mother’s offering, allowing her to spend some time with him while he recovered. He would love to feel the affectionate warmth of her lap, the unforgettable taste of her food and the comfort of her smile. He hasn’t seen her personally in a few months and the idea of having her beside him was really tempting, but unnecessary.
He knew how much she avoided Tokyo, since his father’s death. Besides, his injury did not restrain him from doing things on his own. After being discharged, he kept using the arm sling just to avoid any harsh movements that could affect the muscles of his shoulder. Apart from that, he was free to move his arm, providing that he did it with caution.
He remembered how his mother’s recommendations sounded almost identical to Sho’s ones, after he had declined his offer to make him company. Physically, he felt fine and he didn’t want to disturb his best friend’s relationship with Maeda-san.
Most importantly, he wanted to be alone.
Inside, he was devastated by his recent discoveries, his chest filled with conflicting feelings. Six days had passed after the surgery and Nino wasn't awake yet. According to Aiba, the neurologist affirmed that it was just a matter of time for him to recover his conscience. Fortunately, in spite of the constant use of chemical substances, they detected no brain damage.
The fact that he hadn’t awaken yet could be related to his exhausted state, a strong case of fatigue and to the strong medication due to the recent surgery.
The news let Satoshi more relaxed, but not completely relieved.
He wanted Nino conscious. He wanted to touch him, to stare into those expressive eyes and tell him that nothing mattered; they could overcome anything together.
However…
A part of him wanted to yell with him, to throw on his face the hurt, the disappointment and the feeling of betrayal that overwhelmed him when he saw him beside Miura. What kind of relationship had they had in those three months, when they were apart?
He couldn’t bear the idea that Nino had allowed that man to touch him…
Worse of all, he couldn’t understand why hadn’t he been honest with him about his drug addiction. Didn’t he trust him? Were the narcotics more important than the relationship they were building?
Yes, he knew how hard it was for an addicted to get clean, but they could overcome this together.
Even so, he preferred leaving him. He knew that he had only surrendered to the drug dealer’s threats and that he believed that he was, in a way, protecting him. Nonetheless… Nino had chosen not to trust him and this hurt him more than anything.
He sighed and stood up, walking to the kitchen. Not that he was hungry…
Since he left the hospital, he lost his appetite. However, by medical recommendations he should not take his medicines with an empty stomach, so he forced himself to eat something.
He opened the fridge in search of something light and chose to drink a glass of milk. He also picked up a few things to prepare a simple sandwich. On his way to the counter, he almost bumped into the tortoise that walked slowly towards him.
He smiled.
He took a carrot and minced it in tiny pieces before sitting in front of the animal in the living room’s floor. The tortoise approached the vegetable, but didn't touch it.
- What is it, Niji? Aren’t you hungry? - He caressed the tortoise’s shell before biting on his sandwich.
He ate just half of it. As expected, he wasn't hungry at all. His thoughts, once again, flew to a certain hospital bedroom. If it was for him, he would be there on call, but Sho and Aiba had forbidden him to stay beyond the visiting hours, claiming that he had to think also and foremost in his own health.
- You miss him too, don’t you? - He placed Niji on his lap. - Don’t worry… Nino will come back to us.
In fact, in the following day, when he arrived at the hospital to see him, Aiba received him with a joyful smile, telling him that Nino had awaken during the night.
- Why haven’t you called me? You’ve promised me, Aiba-sensei! - he complained, annoyed.
- Things are not that easy, Satoshi - Sho tried to calm him, squeezing his shoulder.
Aiba smiled, throwing him an understanding look.
- I’m sorry Ohno-kun, but the neurology team needed to be sure that his sudden regaining of conscience wasn’t just temporary. Besides, we had to subject Ninomiya-san to some tests.
- And how is he now? - he asked apprehensively. - Any news regarding his spinal damage?
- Yes. Nino answered well to the stimulation. The damage is not as serious as we had thought at first.
- So, he will be able to walk?
The orthopedist nodded.
- All the results seem to show so. It is usual for some patients that suffer from a spinal shock to experience a period of areflexia, but according to Ninomiya's results, his damage was incomplete, with presence of his sensitivity. With the proper treatment and a bit of effort of his part, I believe it’s just a matter of time for him to recover completely. However, it’s important for you to know that it won’t be that simple. The treatment is intense. He will face constant physiotherapy sessions - Aiba explained him.
- Besides, he will need to start his treatment against his chemical addiction - completed Sho. - I believe it might be a very tiresome process to him. Nino will need a lot of support, Satoshi.
- I know. I am willing to do anything within my reach for him to recover. I love him, Sho-chan… I would never leave him alone in the moment he needs me the most - he assured them and was already starting to take his first steps towards the room when he was held by his best friend’s firm hand on his arm.
- Nii-chan...
- What? - he asked, apprehensive with Sho’s hesitation.
- Nino... He doesn’t want to see you.
***************************************
“The sand of time goes down without we notice it
No one knows how much longer we will stay here
It feels like our lifetime is a commonplace
Everyone’s day by day is so rushed
The truth is nothing is irreplaceable, just the drama
It is the time we have left that stirs up our impulse to live
Our connected hands were not separated
I have always watched over you...” *
Nino relaxed his pressure around the pen and closed the notebook that Sakurai Sho had given him three days before, as soon as he found out that he liked writing. It wasn't nothing much, just random thoughts that, sometimes, hammered inside his head and he needed to put them on the paper.
There was not a sequence, a specific theme, neither the right moment for this to happen. His reflections simply appeared, as if they had a life of their own. His only job was to write them down.
The words he had just written, for instance, had appeared after the visit of the officers Ikuta Toma and Sato Takeshi. He knew they would come eventually; after all, he had been injured in the crime scene. Even if he was only accompanying Miura and hadn't taken part in the transaction, he wasn't completely innocent. He knew what his ex-boyfriend had been doing in that abandoned storeroom.
He hasn’t been accused of anything formally, nevertheless. Quite the contrary. They came to confirm the testimony of Ohno Satoshi and Kawano Ren that he was with Miura under threats.
He felt relieved; he couldn’t deny it. Considering the many difficult situations he have been experiencing, he didn’t have to add an accusation of drug dealing on top of them.
However…
He wasn’t prepared for the second information he received.
The news of Miura’s death affected him in a way he was unable to explain, his heart lost between conflicting emotions. In a way, he was relieved. Fortunately, everything was over and Ohno would be safe. On the other side, though, he couldn’t avoid the pain of the loss. Deep down, he hoped that, after paying for his crimes, Miura Hayato would go back to be the dreamer he once had been.
For this Hayato, the boy who once had been the most important person in his life, his first love and most faithful friend, he mourned.
He didn’t even notice when the police officers left the room. He felt, however, a warm and comforting hug from Aiba during all the time he cried.
Generally, he would rather suffer on his own, as he was used to do. The orthopedist, nonetheless, had become someone close during those twelve days since he had awaken. Not only for being part of the team responsible for his case, but mostly for he was becoming a great friend.
As Sho was becoming, as well. The daily presence of the psychologist was comforting and gave him the security he needed for his treatment.
The fact that he was Satoshi’s best friend, however, didn’t allow him to open himself completely.
It was different with Aiba.
For several times, when he was in his break or even out of his shift, the doctor stepped by to make him company. In the beginning, Nino was reticent. He was depressed, annoyed and confused. Most likely, pitying himself. Aiba, nonetheless, was irresistible and, without realizing, he started waiting anxiously for his visits. He found out they shared the same taste for mangas and even cheered for the same baseball team.
- Are you feeling better? - the doctor asked him, as soon as he calmed down. - Are you comfortable? Do you want me to lower down your headrest?
- I’m fine.
- Are you sure? Aren’t you feeling any pain?
Nino denied with his head. Physically, at least at that moment, his pain was undermost, maybe due to the strong medication. It wasn't always like that, though.
Sometimes, he felt an excruciating pain on his spine as well as the discomfort that overpowered him in his abstinence crisis.
- I need to go back to my office… Will you be fine on your own?
- I will. Don’t worry about me, Aiba-san.
The orthopedist sighed as if reluctant to leave the bedroom.
- May I do anything for you before I go?
- Would you hand me my notebook? - he asked him, pointing at the bedside table with his head.
- Sure - Aiba handed him the notebook and the pen. - Soon, the nurses will be here to do your hygiene and your medication. If you need, don’t hesitate to call me, ok?
- Don’t worry, sensei.
The doctor finally took his first steps towards the exit.
- Aiba-san?
- Yes? - He turned around, already holding the door handle.
- Thanks for everything.
Masaki smiled and, without saying anything, he left the bedroom.
As soon as he left, Nino took a deep sigh and closed his eyes for a few seconds. Then, he started writing. His words, full of angst, came easily.
And, before he had company, he let his tears come, once again.
********************
- Satoshi is in the reception. He asked if he could come and see you - Sho informed him, hesitating.
Nino turned his eyes to the window, watching the leaves of the trees that were moving with the soft breeze.
- Ask him to go back home.
- Nino... You've been refusing to see him for more than twenty days. He comes here every day hoping that you will see him. Don’t you think it is time for you two to talk?
The patient bit his lower lip, his chest divided between his will to allow his boyfriend’s entrance and his resistance. If, by one side, he wanted desperately to see him, confirming with his own eyes that he was fine, as Sho and Aiba had assured him; on the other hand, he didn't want to confront him. He was ashamed and apprehensive. He didn't want to read the doubt and the disappointment in his eyes.
Certainly, Satoshi was disgusted by him and Nino couldn't blame him for that. He had lied; he had personified a character who he was far from being in reality. But how was he supposed to reveal that he was unworthy if he felt so special beside him, as if he had the right to be loved?
He wasn't ready to face the accusations that would come, nor his despise, neither the humiliation of being discarded.
- I’m not ready yet.
Sho opened his mouth to argue, but closed it without a word.
- Tell him not to come anymore… that there are no reasons for us to see each other again. I want a new life and he doesn't fit in it - he lied, each word hurting him as a stab on his chest.
The psychologist nodded, mournful, before leaving the bedroom.
As soon as the door closed, he almost regretted it.
It was better that way, however, with each of them living their own lives. Satoshi deserved to be happy beside someone who was worthy of his love.
He closed his eyes to try to avoid the tears. He didn’t want to cry anymore each time he refused to see him. If that was his decision, then he should hold on to it.
Nevertheless, it wasn’t that simple and, once again, he was unable to hold his tears.
- You could at least say to my face that you don’t want to see me again!
He heard the voice that he missed so much, flustered and bitter, less than a second after the door was harshly opened.
By his gasps, he guessed that Satoshi had evaded the security to get to his bedroom.
- Oh-chan... - he whispered in astonishment.
The cop closed the door behind him and approached his bed, annoyed at first. However, as soon as he halted a few steps from the patient, his face changed.
Pity? Concern? Tenderness?
- I tried to respect your will. For eighteen days, I’ve waited for you to let me come, but I can handle it anymore, Nino… - losing his strength, he sat in the chair next to the bed, taking the patient’s hands into his. - Just for a minute… I need to see with my own eyes that you are fine or I’m going mad… Please…
For more than a minute, however, they kept themselves in the same position, unable to say anything. They cried in silence, each of them lost in their own pain, their angst, even if, deep down, they were the same. They cried for their doubts, their hurts, for the confrontation about to come. They cried for knowing that the feeling they had for each other wasn't enough to keep them together, for knowing that, hence forth, everything would be different between them.
- Are you all right? How is your shoulder? - Nino finally asked, breaking the painful silence between them. They weren’t crying anymore, even if they were still devastated on the inside.
Satoshi rested on the chair's headrest.
- I am fine. I have even returned to work already.
- Ikuta-san told me you’ve testified in my favor. Thank you.
- I was just doing my job. I couldn’t let you be involved in something in which you took no part. Besides, it was my fault that you got yourself involved with Miura once more.
Nino bit his lower lip at the mention of the fact.
- I am so sorry...
- What for? For trying to protect me? - Satoshi’s voice became bitter. Nino felt his heart racing. Finally the time of their confrontation had come. - At that time, I couldn't understand why you had run away from me, but, after that day in the storeroom, I finally realized it. Miura threatened to kill me the way he did to my father if you didn’t go back to him, didn’t he?
- I couldn’t let something happen to you because of me - Kazunari confirmed. - It had already been too hard to know that I was responsible for the captain’s death.
- My father didn't die because of you, Nino.
- If I had not approached him, your father would still be with you and your family…
Satoshi stood up and walked to the window. His eyes were lost in the beautiful scenery of that sunny afternoon.
- It was very hard to see him dying in my arms... For almost seven years, my sole objective was to find the man who had taken him from me - he sighed, shaken.
Nino allowed a teardrop to run down his tired face, his heart corroded by guilty.
- And I confess that, after Miura revealed your involvement with my father, I had considered, at first, the possibility that you were, indirectly, the person of whom I wanted obsessively a revenge - he turned his eyes to his boyfriend. - But it took me just a look at your afflicted eyes for me to understand I couldn't be more wrong. As my father, you were just a victim of a sick mind - he bit his lower lip. - You are not guilty of his death, Nino.
- But it was because of me...
- No - the cop interrupted him. - Miura was the only one responsible for that.
Nino sighed in relief by hearing those words from Satoshi. He had wished so much he would forgive him.
- I have loved your father... - he felt the need to explain. - Not in the dirty way that the senpai implied...
- I know - Ohno reassured him. - For two reasons: my father was completely in love with my mother. Anyone just had to see his look, his expression when they were together. Also because he always talked about you with a fatherly tenderness. Did you know he was planning to take you to live with us?
Nino’s eyes widened, surprised with the news.
- He asked me what I thought of sharing my room with you for a few months, until my sister’s wedding, when we would have a vacant room at home.
- I had no idea...
- He was worried about you. My father always liked to help whoever was in need. Maybe that is why he became a cop - Satoshi sat back on the chair beside his bed. - He was always helping problematic children to adjust to the society, but he had never considered bringing any one of them home. It was different with you... He said that you were an intelligent and talented boy and that you had a bright future ahead. However, you were lost and lonely. He believed that, if you had the support of a family, you would be able to overcome your pains. He called you Kazu-kun... Nino rested on his pillow, thrilled by those revelations. Maou had told him they had to have a serious conversation, but he would never imagine he wanted him to become a member of his family.
- Would things be different between us, if things had happened as he planned, Nino? - Satoshi faced him.
- I am so sorry.
- You really should... Haven’t you learned anything from him?
- I...
- What? It was stronger than you? - The words escaped from his mouth before he was able to hold them. - Life is made of choices, Nino.
The younger nodded, unable to contradict the accusation. He had already had the chance to change. Maou had taught him that he could choose his own fate, but… he opted for giving up on himself.
- You could have told me. I would have supported you.
- I wanted… For several times, I planned to tell you. I know it is no excuse, but how could I confess to my police officer boyfriend, a specialist in the fight against drug dealing, that I was an addicted? After I met you, I tried to stop. I swear I tried…
- I knew there was something wrong and I should have pressured you, but which moral do I have when I took so long to admit my own flaws? In fact, if you hadn’t witnessed one of my panic attacks, maybe I would never tell you about my problems. Therefore, I waited you to trust me and tell me what was tormenting you. I told you that night when I took you home that I was willing to hear whatever you had to say, but you have never opened up.
- I was scared. I thought that, in the moment you found out about my addiction, it would be the end of what we had.
- You know me so little... - there was sorrow in his eyes. - I would be disappointed, yes, but I would never turn my back on you. We would have faced it together.
Nino passed a hand through his bicolored hair, distressed.
- We should have been honest with each other from the start - Satoshi held his hand once again. - Fortunately, we can still fix our mistakes. Nino, I... I love you.
The youngest closed his eyes, thrilled by the confession. For so many times, during the months he spent beside Miura, he wished to hear Satoshi repeating the words he said to him in the last time they’ve made love.
- I love you too, Oh-chan.
The cop smiled, equally moved.
- I love you so much... - he repeated, releasing his hand from Satoshi’s and taking it to his face.
The cop held it over his face and kissed its palm.
- Ohno-san...
The cop shivered by hearing his name said in that formal tone.
- Don’t come here anymore.
For a moment, Satoshi felt his heart stopping.
- What? But you have just confessed to me that you love me too... - he said, confused.
- This is exactly why I’m asking you to forget me.
- Nino... I don’t understand...
- It’s exactly for loving you that I need you to move on with your life without me.
- Your words make no sense...
- Look at me, Oh-chan. What do you see?
He scanned the pale body over the bed.
- I see the man I love.
- Oh-chan...
The cop sighed.
- I see a frightened patient - he started, as sincerely as he could, attending to the plea in the lad’s eyes. - A patient who is paralyzed from his waist down and who depends on the care of the nurses to make his hygiene and to move - he hesitated for a few seconds due to the tears that rolled mercilessly over Nino’s beautiful face, the same face who begged him to continue. - I see an addicted struggling to get rid of his dependence. I see the boy who, a few years ago, caught my father’s attention and for whom he died without hesitation. I see the man who I should hate for not trusting me and who abandoned me to sleep with the enemy, believing he would be protecting me.
He took a pause to breathe. He could stop there, but he had already too far gone to regret.
- I see a fragile boy who had always searched for the easy way, instead of having the guts to face the situation; the way he is desperately trying to do now, afraid to disappoint me once again.
This time, he had to shut up in face of Nino’s hurt expression.
- Thanks for the honesty...
- Nino...
- It is fine. You are right about everything you have said - Kazunari interrupted him, showing him it was his turn to talk. - Except for this last part. I am not choosing the easier path this time. Giving up on you is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. Maybe, because of this, it shall be the best one.
Satoshi closed his eyes in face of the realization that he wouldn’t change his mind about their break up.
- But I need to make it on my own, Oh-chan. Otherwise; I won’t be able to face you with confidence when we meet again. Can you understand that?
- We can face it together...
- No. I need to do it on my own - he told him. - I mean... I will need professional assistance. Lots of it, to tell you the truth, but... I don’t want you to be present when I have a relapse, because I know I will have it.
- But that is part of the treatment, Nino. I know it’s not easy to heal from an addiction, but I’m willing to help… I want to be by your side, I will not abandon you.
- I know. But I need you to let me go. I need to be in this fight entirely and this won’t happen if I have to endure you looking at me with pity or bitterness, the way you are doing now. You say things are fine, but deep down you are disappointed in me. And you have all the reasons to feel so.
- Nino...
- It’s all right, Oh-chan. I will overcome this. Aiba-san is confident in my recovery, but he can’t assure me that there won’t be consequences. And this isn’t really important. I will learn how to deal with my situation, whatever it is. The addiction, though… that’s a bit more complicated.
- I know you can do it, Nino.
The youngest nodded.
- I will do it, Oh-chan. I know I will. For Maou, for you and, specially, for me. However, during this process, I will also need to forgive myself. Just then, I will be ready to move on and face you without having to look away for feeling myself guilty or unsure. Please, Oh-chan...
Satoshi stood up. He went back to the window, without actually paying attention to the scenery outside.
- You are right - he said, after a few minutes of reflection. - I will not accept the break up, nonetheless.
- Oh-chan...
- I will give you some time. No matter how long it takes, I will wait for you.
- Don’t do that. I can’t hold you like this. I have no idea how long will it take me to recover... I don’t want you to stop living because of me.
I want you to follow your path and find someone to make you happy...
- I have already found that person, Nino.
The youngest opened his mouth to retort, but he didn’t, knowing it would be useless. With time, Satoshi would end up realizing how senseless that was. Then, sooner than he expected, he would be involved with someone else and he would be nothing but a memory.
- I need a favor - he said, instead of extending their discussion. - I will start the rehabilitation at Maeda-san’s clinic, as soon as I am discharged. I have talked with Sakurai-kun and he told me that pets aren’t allowed there. Would you please keep taking care of my princess for me? If it’s a nuisance, I can ask someone else…
- Do you really think I will allow anyone to take Niji away from me? Of course, I’ll take care of her; you don’t need to worry. She misses you, you know?
For the first time, Nino smiled, even if sadly. He opened his mouth to say another thing about the tortoise, but he was interrupted by the entrance of two nurses.
- I am sorry for interrupting, but the visiting time has ended and we need to take care of Ninomiya-san - said one of them, with a smile.
Satoshi nodded, his heart torn. He approached Nino and held him firmly and tenderly.
- I will do as you wish, Nino - he whispered, without hiding his tears.
- Thank you.
- But no matter how long it takes, I will be waiting for you - he concluded, before kissing his forehead lovingly and leaving the bedroom without looking back.
* Dare mo shiranai
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Note: Dani here~ Well usually i Love to talk a bit here but today I’ll ask for you positive energy to Fabi, she is the mastermind behind every amazing Word written here but today it’s been a hard Day for her and I will only ask for your lovelies comments more than ever to make her smile like usually is... every comment make us very happy and don’t matter how hard life can be thanks to you our beloved readers, every comment make our Day better!
So in a difficult days I’m sure your beloved comments can make her better and make very happy as always too! Once again thank you so much for follow us till here... Were going to the final, more 5 chapters to come and I hope you can stay with us till the end ♥