It's been a hell of a week.
I can safely say that thus far, this has been the worst week of my life.
As those of you who read know, I found out on Monday that it is unlikely that I will ever be able to have children.
On Friday, I learned that I am being charged with a DUI, DUI drugs, and 2 charges of Criminal Damage, due to an incident that occurred back in November of 2013.
If you're reading this, you either already know the incident I'm talking about, or are going "wait, what?" and are really confused. So... I guess I should explain.
On November 4th, 2013 I had had a very hard and very long day due to not having slept much or well the previous few nights, and so I had decided to go to bed early, with the help of a sleep aid. In the early evening, I took 15mg of Zolpidem Tartrate (aka Ambien), for which I had a legal prescription at the time. I then went to bed.
The next thing I remember is "waking up" in the Prescott Valley police station.
I use the term "waking up" loosely here, because all I really remember is very vague things, like that I was asked to repeat the breathalyzer test; I hadn't had anything to drink, but it was thought at first by the officers that I was drunk, and I recall them asking me to repeat the test... which I again passed. I then somewhat remember looking down at the thin tube attached to my arm, which would have been when they were drawing my blood. The next thing I remember is trying to take my hoodie off to put on the orange shirt supplied to me in the cell, and being frantic because the giant safety pin I used to pull the zipper tab up and down had been taken away when I entered the jail (as a sharp object, I would guess), and being very upset because I couldn't get my hoodie off. I believe I remember a female officer getting the safety pin back for me... but I'm not entirely positive about that. After that, I remember being put back in handcuffs, and crying in the back of a squad car. I believe this was when they were taking me home. I remember watching an officer walk to my front door and my roommates answering. And that's the last thing I remember, from that night.
The next day, I learned more of what had happened after speaking to Officer Field, who had been my arresting officer. All of this, I have absolutely no recollection of however, and learned only from the officer and my roommate.
Apparently, I had decided to drive to the nearby gas station, to get a root beer (which I'd apparently told the officer); during that drive, I must have fallen asleep briefly, because in going around a very large curve in the neighborhood, I went straight. I am told I went over a ditch, and a small metal pole that had been sticking out of the ground. I drove up onto the lawn of the house on that corner. I was then told that I had been arrested on suspicion of a DUI, because I had failed the field sobriety tests very badly - that I could hardly stand, let alone walk, that my speech was slurred, etc. Because I failed the test, I was taken to the jail, where I was asked to blow the breathalyzer, which I passed. Twice. I was also told that I had informed the officer(s) that I had not had anything to drink, but had taken my sleep aid.
The officer told me I had consented to having my blood drawn, and he said that because I'd been so cooperative and that because it seemed I wasn't actually drunk and that it WAS the effects of a sleep aid, he decided to let me go home for the night to "sleep it off." This was when they took me back to my home, knocked on the door, and informed my roommates of what had happened. My roommate later told me we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, though I don't recall about what, and that eventually I went to bed.
The next morning, Officer Field called to inform me that the night before, the initial officer on the scene had, for some reason, kept my car's registration, and that he would need to come by that day to drop it off for me, which he later did.
I then spent several days dealing with the insurance ramifications - getting my car out of the impound lot, and trying to get a copy of my police report for my insurance agency. When I asked the PD for the report, I was told they couldn't release it until my blood work returned, so I was unable to give all of the information (such as who's lawn I had driven on and post I had driven over) to my insurance company for restitution.
I also learned several days (I think it was a week or two) later that the initial officer had also never gotten my insurance information, because he called me needing it. He also then informed me that I had almost hit the house where I'd driven on the lawn, and told me that I had very nearly hit the wall of the bedroom where two kids had been sleeping, and said something to the effect of driving while drunk was dangerous. At this point, I can only assume I was still under the suspicion of having been driving with alcohol. I remember correcting the officer - I told him that I didn't remember anything that had happened, only that I'd taken my sleep aid and gone to bed and woken up at the police station, but that I hadn't had anything to drink that night. He paused on the phone, and then said "well, I hope this was a lesson to you, then."
It was; I hadn't known how dangerous Ambien was, until my accident, on the 4th. I have since made the decision to never, ever take Ambien again. To that effect, when I moved to my state in December of 2013 (I'd been planning to move before the accident) and met my primary care physician, I told her what had happened, and told her that I refused to ever touch Ambien again, and asked her to help me find some other way to manage my insomnia.
In January of 2013, I received notice that my Arizona driver's license was being suspended for 3 months, and was told that my blood work had been received; that I had had a very high amount of Ambien in my results. I had had about 480 ng/mL in my blood. The average parts per milliliter (according to what research I've been able to do) peaks at 270 ng/mL for 10mg, and 113 for 5mg; my peak prescribed dosage would then be 383... if I took another half a pill, that'd be another roughly 113, which would be at about 498, and because the pill wouldnt have been exactly half, that lines up with what my blood work said. I learned later upon receipt of my police report that I had told the officer that had taken a little more when I didn't fall asleep from the first dose....... but I don't remember doing that, either.
That was the last I'd heard about the accident or anything related to it, until July 10th, 2014. Thursday night, I received a facebook message from my best friend and previous roommate; apparently, two police officers had showed up at their house looking for me 2 days prior (on the 8th of July). They said they had "some legal stuff" for me, and had apparently seemed shocked when they were informed that I no longer lived there. They were given my phone number, and left. She then sent me a text on the 8th asking if everything was ok, but unfortunately I didn't receive the text, as it had gone to my "old" phone, which I still have but don't keep on me and is often not charged at all. So on the 10th she sent me that facebook message to ask if everything was alright.
After that facebook message, I began a flurry of calls to the Prescott Valley PD; unfortunately however, their main office was closed, and I was routed to dispatch, who was unable to help me at the time, as I did not have an officer name or a badge number of the officers who had visited my old home.
So the next morning, I called again - this time, I was able to learn that the officers had arrived intending to serve a summons, but the gal at the PD reception was unable to give me any details. She did give me a few phone numbers to try however, which eventually led me to someone who was able to tell me what was on the summons.
Unfortunately at first, the woman I was speaking with told me that I had "missed my court date" which was "July 8th" and that I "would need to write to the judge explaining that I had moved out of town and never received notice of a court date, and that hopefully the judge would call back the warrant and reschedule my date to appear." As you can probably imagine, this resulted in a rather immediate panic attack on my end. I've never been in real trouble before any of this - and now to hear that there was a warrant out for my arrest?
As I was trying to re-learn to breathe, the gal on the phone paused, and said "Oh... oh, no I read that wrong. No. They tried to deliver your summons on July 8th... your court date is for August 6th. I'm sorry, I misread that at first. So there's no warrant." I can't even begin to describe the range of emotions I went through right then. But at least I hadn't missed my court date, and at least there wasn't ACTUALLY a warrant out for my arrest. Small mercies. I was then told to call the law offices for the city, where I was able to speak to the Town Prosecutor who is filing the charges against me.
It was then, that I learned my charges had gone from a potential misdemeanor DUI to a DUI, a DUI drugs, and the 2 counts of Criminal Damages.
I told him that even though I had had no intention to drive, no memory of any of that happening, that I had never meant to do any of what happened, that it obviously had, as my blood levels and the arrest could attest, and said that I had no intention of trying to deny or fight the charges.
He then informed me that, because I had no intention to contest, he would probably be willing not to pursue the 2 Criminal Damages charges, and that if I could prove I did have a legal prescription at the time for the Ambien, he would probably be willing not to pursue the DUI Drugs charge. He also told me that, because I had never had any priors or any previous problems with the law or any indication of drug or alcohol abuse in my past, that he would likely only pursue the minimum sentences for a misdemeanor DUI.
While the physical implications of that incident do not extend very far beyond the damages to my car and some pain I felt after the accident, and the slight damage to the property I drove onto, the shame and horror of what COULD have happened, of the fact that I could have seriously and severely hurt someone else, is with me every day. This is the main reason I made the choice not to ever take Ambien again. I would never, ever intentionally put another person at risk, and the fact that I could have done that and not even have known I had done so... is a terrifying prospect that I can't really seem to put into words.
And the ramifications of that isolated incident involving a legally prescribed substance do not end there.
I am scheduled to return to school on August 18th; I had planned to attain my Associate of Arts degree from the Community College before moving on to a 4-year program where I would major in Psychology and minor in Human Sexuality, so that eventually I could work with assault survivors; I had figured, I turned out okay... maybe I could help others who have gone through some of the similar experiences I had to do the same. I had especially wished to work with teens and young adults due to my own past history.
Unfortunately however, getting hired anywhere to work with children when you have a DUI on your record is... a very unlikely prospect.
And as those of you who read about it know, I also learned on Monday that I am unlikely to have children biologically. Sadly... having a DUI on my record makes being chosen to adopt that much less likely, as well.
So in one week, my dreams to work with youth assault survivors as a psychologist, and to be a mother, are over before they ever began.
I've since been making calls to try to find a lawyer - someone able to help me with my no-contest plea and to make sure I have not missed anything or make any MORE mistakes (from a legal standpoint) than I already have, but unfortunately thus far, I have not been able to find one. Either they require a very large initial consultation fee, or they require full payment up front rather than being willing to do a payment plan... or both.
I did find one place where I could do a consultation for cheaper, but unfortunately they are unwilling to do the consultation without first being able to do a "conflict check." And to do the conflict check, they need the name of the people on whose lawn I drove; I have thus far been unable to obtain that information.
When I asked the Police Department, I was told "We can't release the police report; initially we were unable to release it because we were waiting on your blood work, and now we can't release it because it's in the hands of the prosecutor for charging, so you will need to speak with him."
I emailed the Prosecutor I had spoken with on Friday and asked him for a copy. I haven't heard back yet, but I assume that's due to it being a weekend. I am hopeful I will hear back from him on Monday and be able to get that information. I am also hoping to obtain a letter from my current PCP attesting to my requirement that any help for my insomnia not involve use of Ambien; another thought that I had was to suggest to the judge that I would be more than willing to submit to random urine analysis to prove that I am not and will not take it again, and to prove my commitment to making certain that nothing like this EVER happens to me again.
I still have no intention of "fighting" the charges. It happened. No matter the fact that I didn't mean to. No matter the fact that I never would have, under any kind of "normal" or rational state of mind. It happened, and I am ashamed by it... and beyond horrified about what *could* have happened, and more grateful than I can say that it wasn't any worse. But I am also heartbroken that, due to side effects of a drug I was legally prescribed, my entire life's course has been changed and my dreams irreparably altered.
An update and resolution to the situation can be found here.
As those of you who read know, I found out on Monday that it is unlikely that I will ever be able to have children.
On Friday, I learned that I am being charged with a DUI, DUI drugs, and 2 charges of Criminal Damage, due to an incident that occurred back in November of 2013.
If you're reading this, you either already know the incident I'm talking about, or are going "wait, what?" and are really confused. So... I guess I should explain.
On November 4th, 2013 I had had a very hard and very long day due to not having slept much or well the previous few nights, and so I had decided to go to bed early, with the help of a sleep aid. In the early evening, I took 15mg of Zolpidem Tartrate (aka Ambien), for which I had a legal prescription at the time. I then went to bed.
The next thing I remember is "waking up" in the Prescott Valley police station.
I use the term "waking up" loosely here, because all I really remember is very vague things, like that I was asked to repeat the breathalyzer test; I hadn't had anything to drink, but it was thought at first by the officers that I was drunk, and I recall them asking me to repeat the test... which I again passed. I then somewhat remember looking down at the thin tube attached to my arm, which would have been when they were drawing my blood. The next thing I remember is trying to take my hoodie off to put on the orange shirt supplied to me in the cell, and being frantic because the giant safety pin I used to pull the zipper tab up and down had been taken away when I entered the jail (as a sharp object, I would guess), and being very upset because I couldn't get my hoodie off. I believe I remember a female officer getting the safety pin back for me... but I'm not entirely positive about that. After that, I remember being put back in handcuffs, and crying in the back of a squad car. I believe this was when they were taking me home. I remember watching an officer walk to my front door and my roommates answering. And that's the last thing I remember, from that night.
The next day, I learned more of what had happened after speaking to Officer Field, who had been my arresting officer. All of this, I have absolutely no recollection of however, and learned only from the officer and my roommate.
Apparently, I had decided to drive to the nearby gas station, to get a root beer (which I'd apparently told the officer); during that drive, I must have fallen asleep briefly, because in going around a very large curve in the neighborhood, I went straight. I am told I went over a ditch, and a small metal pole that had been sticking out of the ground. I drove up onto the lawn of the house on that corner. I was then told that I had been arrested on suspicion of a DUI, because I had failed the field sobriety tests very badly - that I could hardly stand, let alone walk, that my speech was slurred, etc. Because I failed the test, I was taken to the jail, where I was asked to blow the breathalyzer, which I passed. Twice. I was also told that I had informed the officer(s) that I had not had anything to drink, but had taken my sleep aid.
The officer told me I had consented to having my blood drawn, and he said that because I'd been so cooperative and that because it seemed I wasn't actually drunk and that it WAS the effects of a sleep aid, he decided to let me go home for the night to "sleep it off." This was when they took me back to my home, knocked on the door, and informed my roommates of what had happened. My roommate later told me we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, though I don't recall about what, and that eventually I went to bed.
The next morning, Officer Field called to inform me that the night before, the initial officer on the scene had, for some reason, kept my car's registration, and that he would need to come by that day to drop it off for me, which he later did.
I then spent several days dealing with the insurance ramifications - getting my car out of the impound lot, and trying to get a copy of my police report for my insurance agency. When I asked the PD for the report, I was told they couldn't release it until my blood work returned, so I was unable to give all of the information (such as who's lawn I had driven on and post I had driven over) to my insurance company for restitution.
I also learned several days (I think it was a week or two) later that the initial officer had also never gotten my insurance information, because he called me needing it. He also then informed me that I had almost hit the house where I'd driven on the lawn, and told me that I had very nearly hit the wall of the bedroom where two kids had been sleeping, and said something to the effect of driving while drunk was dangerous. At this point, I can only assume I was still under the suspicion of having been driving with alcohol. I remember correcting the officer - I told him that I didn't remember anything that had happened, only that I'd taken my sleep aid and gone to bed and woken up at the police station, but that I hadn't had anything to drink that night. He paused on the phone, and then said "well, I hope this was a lesson to you, then."
It was; I hadn't known how dangerous Ambien was, until my accident, on the 4th. I have since made the decision to never, ever take Ambien again. To that effect, when I moved to my state in December of 2013 (I'd been planning to move before the accident) and met my primary care physician, I told her what had happened, and told her that I refused to ever touch Ambien again, and asked her to help me find some other way to manage my insomnia.
In January of 2013, I received notice that my Arizona driver's license was being suspended for 3 months, and was told that my blood work had been received; that I had had a very high amount of Ambien in my results. I had had about 480 ng/mL in my blood. The average parts per milliliter (according to what research I've been able to do) peaks at 270 ng/mL for 10mg, and 113 for 5mg; my peak prescribed dosage would then be 383... if I took another half a pill, that'd be another roughly 113, which would be at about 498, and because the pill wouldnt have been exactly half, that lines up with what my blood work said. I learned later upon receipt of my police report that I had told the officer that had taken a little more when I didn't fall asleep from the first dose....... but I don't remember doing that, either.
That was the last I'd heard about the accident or anything related to it, until July 10th, 2014. Thursday night, I received a facebook message from my best friend and previous roommate; apparently, two police officers had showed up at their house looking for me 2 days prior (on the 8th of July). They said they had "some legal stuff" for me, and had apparently seemed shocked when they were informed that I no longer lived there. They were given my phone number, and left. She then sent me a text on the 8th asking if everything was ok, but unfortunately I didn't receive the text, as it had gone to my "old" phone, which I still have but don't keep on me and is often not charged at all. So on the 10th she sent me that facebook message to ask if everything was alright.
After that facebook message, I began a flurry of calls to the Prescott Valley PD; unfortunately however, their main office was closed, and I was routed to dispatch, who was unable to help me at the time, as I did not have an officer name or a badge number of the officers who had visited my old home.
So the next morning, I called again - this time, I was able to learn that the officers had arrived intending to serve a summons, but the gal at the PD reception was unable to give me any details. She did give me a few phone numbers to try however, which eventually led me to someone who was able to tell me what was on the summons.
Unfortunately at first, the woman I was speaking with told me that I had "missed my court date" which was "July 8th" and that I "would need to write to the judge explaining that I had moved out of town and never received notice of a court date, and that hopefully the judge would call back the warrant and reschedule my date to appear." As you can probably imagine, this resulted in a rather immediate panic attack on my end. I've never been in real trouble before any of this - and now to hear that there was a warrant out for my arrest?
As I was trying to re-learn to breathe, the gal on the phone paused, and said "Oh... oh, no I read that wrong. No. They tried to deliver your summons on July 8th... your court date is for August 6th. I'm sorry, I misread that at first. So there's no warrant." I can't even begin to describe the range of emotions I went through right then. But at least I hadn't missed my court date, and at least there wasn't ACTUALLY a warrant out for my arrest. Small mercies. I was then told to call the law offices for the city, where I was able to speak to the Town Prosecutor who is filing the charges against me.
It was then, that I learned my charges had gone from a potential misdemeanor DUI to a DUI, a DUI drugs, and the 2 counts of Criminal Damages.
I told him that even though I had had no intention to drive, no memory of any of that happening, that I had never meant to do any of what happened, that it obviously had, as my blood levels and the arrest could attest, and said that I had no intention of trying to deny or fight the charges.
He then informed me that, because I had no intention to contest, he would probably be willing not to pursue the 2 Criminal Damages charges, and that if I could prove I did have a legal prescription at the time for the Ambien, he would probably be willing not to pursue the DUI Drugs charge. He also told me that, because I had never had any priors or any previous problems with the law or any indication of drug or alcohol abuse in my past, that he would likely only pursue the minimum sentences for a misdemeanor DUI.
While the physical implications of that incident do not extend very far beyond the damages to my car and some pain I felt after the accident, and the slight damage to the property I drove onto, the shame and horror of what COULD have happened, of the fact that I could have seriously and severely hurt someone else, is with me every day. This is the main reason I made the choice not to ever take Ambien again. I would never, ever intentionally put another person at risk, and the fact that I could have done that and not even have known I had done so... is a terrifying prospect that I can't really seem to put into words.
And the ramifications of that isolated incident involving a legally prescribed substance do not end there.
I am scheduled to return to school on August 18th; I had planned to attain my Associate of Arts degree from the Community College before moving on to a 4-year program where I would major in Psychology and minor in Human Sexuality, so that eventually I could work with assault survivors; I had figured, I turned out okay... maybe I could help others who have gone through some of the similar experiences I had to do the same. I had especially wished to work with teens and young adults due to my own past history.
Unfortunately however, getting hired anywhere to work with children when you have a DUI on your record is... a very unlikely prospect.
And as those of you who read about it know, I also learned on Monday that I am unlikely to have children biologically. Sadly... having a DUI on my record makes being chosen to adopt that much less likely, as well.
So in one week, my dreams to work with youth assault survivors as a psychologist, and to be a mother, are over before they ever began.
I've since been making calls to try to find a lawyer - someone able to help me with my no-contest plea and to make sure I have not missed anything or make any MORE mistakes (from a legal standpoint) than I already have, but unfortunately thus far, I have not been able to find one. Either they require a very large initial consultation fee, or they require full payment up front rather than being willing to do a payment plan... or both.
I did find one place where I could do a consultation for cheaper, but unfortunately they are unwilling to do the consultation without first being able to do a "conflict check." And to do the conflict check, they need the name of the people on whose lawn I drove; I have thus far been unable to obtain that information.
When I asked the Police Department, I was told "We can't release the police report; initially we were unable to release it because we were waiting on your blood work, and now we can't release it because it's in the hands of the prosecutor for charging, so you will need to speak with him."
I emailed the Prosecutor I had spoken with on Friday and asked him for a copy. I haven't heard back yet, but I assume that's due to it being a weekend. I am hopeful I will hear back from him on Monday and be able to get that information. I am also hoping to obtain a letter from my current PCP attesting to my requirement that any help for my insomnia not involve use of Ambien; another thought that I had was to suggest to the judge that I would be more than willing to submit to random urine analysis to prove that I am not and will not take it again, and to prove my commitment to making certain that nothing like this EVER happens to me again.
I still have no intention of "fighting" the charges. It happened. No matter the fact that I didn't mean to. No matter the fact that I never would have, under any kind of "normal" or rational state of mind. It happened, and I am ashamed by it... and beyond horrified about what *could* have happened, and more grateful than I can say that it wasn't any worse. But I am also heartbroken that, due to side effects of a drug I was legally prescribed, my entire life's course has been changed and my dreams irreparably altered.
An update and resolution to the situation can be found here.