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[cynosur]

I hate that I'm 30 and I have massive blow outs with my mother every year or so. She says something mean, I say she hurt my feelings, she comes back about why what she said shouldn't have been taken as "mean" and it's all in my head and why am I such an angry person? And she will never stop trying and she hopes and prays I will find a doctor who

Comments

[tezza]

My mom is the exact same way. I know she's not going to change at this point because she doesn't see that she's in any way wrong. So I just vent to my journal and leave it at that. It sucks a lot but I don't like feeling like the guilty party by starting fights everytime I point out that she's being hurtful.

I wish she would apologize for what she says and acknowledge that she's wrong, but I know it'll never happen. You just have to be the bigger person and learn to stop feeling bad about the situation and just accept it for what it is.

*hugs*

[nineteensixteen]

This sounds so awful. It's frustrating dealing with stubborn/hurtful people at the best of times and having them in your immediate family makes it that much harder. In my experience it's definitely preferable to just cut that type of person/behaviour out of your life but obviously as a parent the answer isn't always as cut and dry.

Love you.

[the_lar]

I was having a conversation about this type of situation just the other day. It seems to be that a good percentage of the older generation view our generation as being "too angry" when I personally feel that we're being "too honest". Our parents would never "rebuke" their own parents because it was considered disrespectful, and that was always a major point in their relationships.

The problem is that their never going to change their outlook, and we'll likely never change ours. It's a complete disconnect.

I've been told that the situation needs to be "translated". If other people think you're sensitive instead of angry then they are more likely to watch what they are saying, because then they are considered to be disrespectful towards you (instead of being accused of attacking you because you're the angry one so that's naturally the way you interpret it blah blah). It's basically lying to change their behaviour, which isn't fantastic, but it's better than having them believe a lie where they're allowed to say whatever they want.

I

[cynosur]

Hm this is good. I think it's an angle I am going to take. Just taking her out of my life won't happen, my relationship with my parents is so important to me. I really need a fix, but I just don't know what angle to take. I think this might work! I am sick of crying all the time over this!

[grammardog]

I'm very sorry! This sounds miserable. And I understand it pretty well.

As time goes on I feel more and more convinced that a lot of the terrible interactions we have with our families emerge from bad habits. I still fight with my mother the same way I fought with her when I was 13. I am trying to be more mindful of my likelihood to become very inflamed very quickly, and try to temper myself while still delivering the same message. And also while realizing that she probably will never, ever change, and I can't control that.

xoxo.