Fanfiction || One Hundred || "Forgiveness" || Buffy/Faith
Title: One Hundred
Prompt: Forgiveness
Table: Here.
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta: Frass
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Buffy/Faith
Word Length: 8,981 words
Summary: After a night of sex, Buffy and Faith try to figure out what that means for them.
003. Forgiveness
Buffy never had such a mind-numbing fear of speaking until this moment.
She could lecture with the best of them, sure; she could even pump out a few ‘Ra! Ra! Go Team!” speeches every now and then if she had to (which, let’s face it; have been needed more often than not as of late). She could babble for hours with her friends, or spend forever passing down her experience and wisdom to the potentials. The fact of the matter was, Buffy Summers was never without an opinion that she was willing to share. Sure she could be a bit snarky at times, but that was part of her charm, right? Regardless, talking was the one thing she did best; which only stood to prove how entirely backwards this situation really was right now.
Buffy literally could not utter a word. It was as if her mouth just stopped working all together, which honestly wouldn’t be that much of a surprise seeing as her brain apparently stopped functioning properly about an hour ago. And fine, then she probably didn’t need the use of her mouth other than to make barely indistinguishable vowel sounds; but now? Talking was needed. Talking was definitely needed, and yet for the first time in her life Buffy was too scared to share her opinion on what could possibly be defined as a life altering event.
She couldn’t even begin to count the ways this could go wrong. God, she couldn’t even begin to count the reasons this should have never happened in the first place; the last thing any of them needed were distractions.
Buffy probably looked like an idiot as she lay in her bed, clutching the sheets to her naked body as she watched Faith carefully put her clothes back on. It was obvious she was still in pain after nearly blowing herself into Slayer bits, which probably accounted to why the sex was absolutely nothing like Buffy expected. Faith always exuded raw sexual energy and Buffy had always entertained the idea that if something like this was to ever happen, that Faith would take her exactly how she took life: fast, hard, and without a thought to the consequences.
It was nothing like that though. Granted, Faith’s body was still healing but there was just something in the way that she touched her… Buffy couldn’t put her finger on it, but it sure didn’t seem like it was just another fuck to her. Maybe it was just because the two of them had danced around the issue for what seemed like ages and there was a bit of a ‘finally’ to the factor, or maybe it was just because neither of them really thought that they would live out the rest of the week, let alone live long enough for this to actually become something that warranted a serious conversation somewhere down the line. The war was coming faster than they were prepared for and even with the added bonus of the scythe, Buffy couldn’t help but feel like they all were just waiting to be swallowed whole.
Maybe that was part of the reason why she did it; the whole imminent death and unresolved issues factor. Faith finally opened up a little - something Buffy had waited years for - and then suddenly her tongue was in her mouth and her clothes were falling to the floor. Buffy knew it was her fault; she was the one that made the first move, but it wasn’t like Faith protested either.
It’s something she never thought she would do in a million years, but when you’re facing certain death there’s always going to be that part of you that wants to make things right before you go. Maybe having sex wasn’t the best option available, but she figured it was a language Faith was more familiar with. Buffy could tell her until she was blue in the face that she had forgiven her; that all this bitterness and anger between them just wasn’t worth it anymore, but somehow she thought Faith would receive it better if it was shown, rather than voiced out loud. Faith never had been much of a talker.
That, and Buffy just really wanted to see what it would be like before she died.
Part of her had always known that they’d end up here eventually. All the teasing, all the crude comments; Faith loved riling her up, especially when they were teenagers. The problem was, Buffy wasn’t entirely sure Faith knew what she was doing back then. The truth was that she ended up pushing Buffy headfirst into a spiral of self-doubt and confusion; forcing her to realize that she was attracted to a girl. It was much too soon for her to admit that though and so all it ended up doing was make Buffy grow angry with her as she retreated back into her little closet of misery and solitude. And well, we all know what happened when she started to push Faith away, don’t we?
Buffy liked to blame Faith for it all; that if Faith had just been honest with her about things that maybe none of the bad stuff would have ever happened. But looking back on it, Buffy was pretty sure that Faith was also wigging out a bit about being attracted to a girl; she expressed it far differently. She pushed the limits whereas Buffy ran from them. For all of Faith’s bragging about her sexual exploits, she never once said anything about any of them being with another woman. It made Buffy wonder if she was her first, but the last thing she wanted to do was ask; the awkwardness was already beginning to make itself present in the room.
At least Buffy wasn’t the only one not speaking. After it was all said and done, it seemed neither of them knew exactly how to proceed without this turning into World War… what were her and Faith on now; six? The two of them never did know how to express their emotions in a healthy manner, so maybe it was for the best that they weren’t talking about what they just did; it would probably turn into another fight. Besides, Buffy was pretty sure she was still in shock that it actually happened in the first place, which was probably the big reason as to why there were a complete lack of words coming out of her mouth at the moment, when usually she was so fluent with them.
Faith turned as she felt Buffy move from the bed to gather up her clothes. Buffy’s back was facing her, but she could feel Faith’s eyes on her as she bent down to retrieve her shirt. Maybe it was juvenile, especially after what they had just done, but Buffy couldn’t stop the slight blush from forming on her cheeks as she fumbled around, hastily trying to get dressed.
“Already seen what you’re packin’, B,” Faith said suddenly, breaking the long stretch of silence. “No reason to be embarrassed about it now.”
“I’m not embarrassed,” Buffy retorted sharply as she threw her shirt on over her head, pulling it down so quickly that she was sure she just heard a seam tear. She paused though, realizing how she just sounded; sometimes it was just easier to slip into bitch mode when she was around Faith. It seemed far simpler than dealing with what was really going on. “Sorry,” she apologized softly, turning around to catch Faith’s eye. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting this when I walked in here. Trying to deal.”
“And here I thought you were Little Miss Plan of Action with the way ya practically jumped me,” Faith replied, trying to lighten the tension with a joke. All it did though was make Buffy flush a deep crimson as she looked away from her, pulling on her jeans.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, feeling really stupid all of a sudden. Hi, brain? This is Buffy; she would have appreciated the heads up on how utterly retarded her decision making skills were today before she went and had sex with her once mortal enemy. It would have saved her the embarrassment.
“I’m not.”
That statement made Buffy turn back around to look at her, surprised. She never thought Faith would admit to that. Faith seemed to realize how that could be construed a bit too late though, so she tried to cover it up with a nonchalant shrug and a half-assed explanation. “Y’know; cause the orgasm didn’t suck, or whatever. After everything that went down, kinda needed it.”
Buffy resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she turned back around, fixing her jeans from bunching up as she shook her head, sighing quietly. Neither of them were ever going to admit that there was more to it than that, so what’s the point? “Glad to be of service then,” Buffy responded dryly. She didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it just came out.
“Nah, B, I didn’t mean-” Faith started, but stopped herself halfway through, matching Buffy’s sigh with one of her own. She seemed to have come to the same conclusion so she finished with, “Just forget it.” She pushed the covers forward so she could settle back into Buffy’s bed, seemingly intent on continuing her bed rest. It was probably the smartest decision of the afternoon; Faith would need all her strength for the big fight.
Even though it was expected, Buffy was frustrated by Faith’s utter lack of caring. “Don’t you even want to know why?” she asked before she could stop herself. It didn’t make any sense to her; if the positions were reversed Buffy would want to know why a woman who could barely stand her presence most days was suddenly ripping her clothes off. The last thing she wanted to do was get into this, especially now, but somehow in all this mess Buffy realized her feelings were hurt. She wasn’t sure why but then again, nothing that involved Faith ever seemed logical.
“I know why,” Faith told her, leaning against the headboard as she propped one knee up, resting her elbow on top of it. The movement and position were so casual that it was slightly irritating. That was one thing that always bugged Buffy about Faith; no matter what the situation, she always had this knack of using her body language to show that she couldn’t care less about what was going on. Faith wasn’t the best actress in the world by any means so most of the time Buffy could see right through it, but that didn’t make it any less annoying when Faith put up her walls.
“You think so, do you?” Buffy challenged, interested in hearing her theory. She knew she was getting snappy again but that was the way she put up her walls. If Faith was closing herself off, there was no reason Buffy should sit there and be an open book just for her benefit.
“You look out the window lately, B?” Faith responded, gesturing at the outdoors with one hand sarcastically. “It’s the end of the fuckin’ world. Chances are neither of us are gettin’ out of this one alive so it’s time to start scratchin’ shit off our bucket lists; now or never.”
Buffy arched an eyebrow as she scoffed, “You think that having sex with you was on my list of things I needed to do before I die? Your cockiness never ceases to disappoint, does it?” It was an asshole thing to say, especially when what Faith said was true, but Buffy still wasn’t sure she wanted her to know the extent of her feelings.
“Was more thinkin’ along the lines that you wanted to get laid one more time before ya bit the dust. And since you stopped screwing Undead Wonderboy downstairs, I figure you were just takin’ it where you knew you could get it.”
That wasn’t the answer Buffy was expecting at all. “You thought I knew I could have you?” she asked in disbelief. It sounded so ridiculous when it was said out loud.
Sure, she had entertained the possibility that once upon a time Faith might have had feelings for her, but before they ended up in bed together she didn’t know that deep down Faith still harbored some of them. After everything that had happened between them, Buffy thought it would be impossible. She already thought herself insane because even when she wanted to beat Faith within an inch of her life, she still had the screwed up urge to rip off her clothes and lick every inch of her skin.
Then again, Faith has never been the picture of sanity either, so she shouldn’t be all too surprised.
But it was ridiculous because the immense feeling of fear when she first kissed Faith was like nothing she had ever known; it was like her brain had took a vacation momentarily and finally checked back in once she had already thrown herself halfway into shit. She was afraid Faith was going to push her off and then laugh in her face for being stupid enough to think that she could just take whatever she wanted. That didn’t happen obviously, but for a split second Buffy was completely terrified and already halfway on the road to a mental breakdown.
“Don’t bother actin’ all surprised to spare my feelings, Twinkie. I know I’m a slut; been with enough people to prove that theory years ago,” Faith answered, trying to make it sound like it didn’t bother her. Maybe once it didn’t, but Faith had changed a lot over the last couple years and was finally being forced to take a good, long look at herself. It was obvious she didn’t like what she saw.
Faith still tried to act like the same old her to some extent though; the smirks, the swagger, and the cockiness that sometimes bordered on outright narcissism, but it was so much easier to see through the façade now. Buffy wondered sometimes why she even bothered trying when her self-worth was obviously shot to hell and back, but that was Faith for you: always putting on acts up until the very end, just so she doesn’t have to face reality.
“Besides,” Faith added with a smirk. “Massive skills here; had to be the obvious choice outta everyone in this house. Call it a load of crap if ya want, but experience always wins out in the end, especially when it is the end. I mean, do ya really wanna have your last roll in the sack be a bunch of fumbling and stupidity? No,” she answered for her. “Besides, who am I to deny myself the duty of giving Buffy Summers the last orgasm of her life?” She shot her this annoying little grin that Buffy couldn’t help rolling her eyes at.
Yup, and there was that cockiness Buffy had been waiting for.
“I didn’t sleep with you because you were the most experienced, you idiot,” Buffy retorted, annoyed that she really thought that was the reason. Faith could be so thick sometimes that Buffy often wondered how she even managed to function.
“Oh yeah? Well why don’t you fuckin’ enlighten me then since you seem to know everything,” Faith shot back, clearly pissed off that she was just called an idiot. Buffy knew it was going to come to this; an argument. Everything between them always did in the end, it seemed. But Faith was right about one thing: it was the end of the world and the possibility of them coming out at the end of it all was slim to none. So if there ever was a time to do this, it was now.
“I just-” Buffy started, sounding incredibly frustrated as she ran her fingers through her hair. “God, I don’t know! I guess I was just trying to let you know that I forgive you, but since you seem so content on wallowing in your own shit I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that you weren’t able to take it that way.”
“Seems to me like stickin’ your tongue halfway up my cunt is a funny way of showing forgiveness,” Faith retorted, making Buffy flinch from her use of the C word. “I ain’t an expert or anything, but last I checked most people used their words to get that shit across.”
“Oh, because you’re Miss Conversational all of a sudden?” Buffy responded heatedly. “Excuse me for trying to put something in terms I assumed you would understand.”
“I don’t understand a damn thing about any of this, Buffy!” Faith exclaimed suddenly, finally admitting her confusion. It only seemed to make her angrier that she admitted that though and she started ranting at her. “I get that it’s the fuckin’ end of the world and everything; and I also know that ten to one, when the smoke clears we won’t be the ones left standin’. And ya know what? I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with though is you spewing all this bullshit about forgiveness just because it’s the end of the line for us. Newsflash, B: when we’re dead ain’t anything gonna matter anymore.”
“Well maybe not, but it matters to me now!” Buffy shouted, beyond frustrated with how much effort Faith put into pulling away from her. “Maybe you’re not asking for or even want forgiveness, but I needed to let you know that I had. The guilt I liked to hold over your head felt justified once, but now it just feels vindictive because even if I didn’t want to see it at first, it’s obvious how much you’ve changed. I mean, you may still be a pig-headed, arrogant, asshole, but I didn’t expect you to come out of this whole redemption deal perfect.”
Faith looked like she had a retort to that but Buffy wouldn’t let her get a word in; she wasn’t finished. “But you’re here with us now - fighting the good fight and willing to die for it. That’s a significant improvement from years past, I’d say. Things aren’t ever going to be perfect between us, Faith; there was too much damage done by both sides to ever come out of this having a healthy friendship or… otherwise.” She stumbled over that last word and went on quickly, hoping Faith didn’t notice her slip. “But I’ve wasted too much energy hating you and frankly with everything else going on; it kind of put my anger in serious perspective. Yeah, bad stuff happened; fine, but it seems bad stuff always happens to us because we’re Slayers. We just have to take it in stride and move on because a Slayer stuck on pause is always the first one to die.”
“So you fucked me to ensure your survival?” Faith asked with a smirk, once again not able to handle a serious conversation so she turned it into something she could deal with: humor. Buffy wondered if Faith knew how transparent she was or if she really believed she had everyone fooled.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Sure, Faith; I slept with you because the orgasms you gave me made me indestructible.”
Faith chuckled, holding out her arms in a cocky manner. “Hey, it is what it is. I got skills; no point in denying it.” Buffy half expected her to brush her shoulder off after that display, but was thankful she didn’t. That would have been beyond ridiculous.
Buffy shook her head, a little amused despite herself. Faith would always be Faith, there was no changing that. But this was likely the last mildly serious conversation the two of them would ever have, so she felt like she needed to be honest. It may be her last chance, after all.
“Faith, as much skill as you may or may not have; it wasn’t a deciding factor when I slept with you. And if I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t really about forgiveness either,” Buffy admitted, feeling a little nervous about how this could end up turning out. But she forced herself to suppress the urge to just run away, to forget this ever happened and continued, “I wanted you to know I forgave you, but you were right; there were other ways to express that that involved a lot more clothes.”
Faith noticeably froze when she realized where this conversation was going, but she didn’t immediately start running for the door like Buffy expected. That had to be a plus, at least. Faith just sat there, unmoving and unspeaking as she stared at her, keeping her face relatively expressionless. Buffy smoothed her hands out on the blanket to attempt to give off the illusion that they weren’t shaking as she waited for Faith to respond. After a moment, Buffy realized Faith wasn’t planning on saying anything at all until she was finished.
Taking a breath to somehow give her some false sense of encouragement, she told her, “I know I come off as the fearless leader when I talk to the potentials, but the truth is I don’t know if any of us are going to make it out of this alive. You were right when you said I did it because it was the end of the world, but it wasn’t for a last orgasm.” Buffy pursed her lips and looked down at the blanket, not wanting to see Faith’s face as she finished, “So I slept with you because if I am going to die, I want to do it without any regrets. I didn’t get that chance last time.”
Faith was silent for an unusually long time. Buffy held her breath and waited, still not having the courage to look at her. She picked at the blankets self-consciously as she allowed Faith time to process what she just said; she figured it was a lot to take in. Finally Faith asked, genuinely sounding confused, “Wait… so fuckin’ me was on your bucket list?”
Buffy laughed; she couldn’t help it. It was probably nervous laughter, but it came out nonetheless. “I guess so, yeah.” She continued to pick at the blankets, trying to distract her from the fact that Faith still hasn’t voiced her opinion the subject.
“Why?” Faith asked, still sounding confused and now a little defensive. Buffy sighed, putting her head in her hands and massaging her scalp with her fingers to try to stall her forthcoming headache. She should have known Faith wouldn’t understand without it being spelt out for her.
“Because I felt- I mean, I do sort of still… feel things for you,” Buffy tried, still refusing to look at her; so much for her being a mature adult about this. “They’re confusing things but they’ve still always been… things; under the surface of everything else. Like bugs, or something. ” This was coming out completely awkward and as much as Buffy wished she would just shut up, her urge to clarify herself so she doesn’t sound like a retard was stronger. “No, not like bugs; ignore that, that was a stupid comparison because you don’t make my skin crawl or anything. You-”
She let out an aggravated sigh, she was saying everything wrong. She took a breath, trying again. “Okay, what I was trying to say was that I think maybe that was part of the reason I hated you so much, you know? Because you… confused me. I mean, the whole turning evil thing did fuel a lot of it, I’m not saying it didn’t, just… even before all that. You came to Sunnydale and completely turned my world upside down; I didn’t even know who I was anymore and that scared me, so I got angry with you instead. I had enough going on back then and didn’t want to deal with a major lifestyle change that involved wearing birkenstocks and going to Indigo Girls concerts, so I figured pushing you away was the easier solution.” She paused, then admitted, “Obviously it only made things more messed up for both of us, so score zero for Buffy’s intelligence.”
Buffy hadn’t realized how silent Faith had been until she finished her little ramble, but now that silence seemed to deafen her. She had expected a lot of different reactions from Faith, but getting nothing from her wasn’t among them; after all, she wasn’t exactly the type to keep her opinions to herself. After what seemed like forever though, Faith finally spoke.
“B, just cause you wanted to fuck a girl didn’t mean you had to wear birkenstocks and listen to shitty music.”
That made Buffy finally look up at her, disbelief written all over her face. “My God, do you purposely miss the point all the time to drive me insane, or have you really become the slowest human being on the planet?”
“I got what you were saying, Buffy; I’m not stupid,” Faith retorted. “But I don’t-fuck, what do you want me to say?! You can’t just lay that shit out for me when we’re on death row; that’s totally fucked up!”
“Well when else was I going to tell you?!” Buffy exclaimed, trying not to sound hurt since this isn’t going smoothly in the slightest. “Between you going evil and being in jail, we haven’t exactly had a lot of time for girl talk!”
“You could have fuckin’ visited me in jail, for one!” Faith shouted.
“We both know that you would have taken one look at me on the other side of that glass and walked away.”
“Christ, you sit here and call me an idiot, yet look at you!” Faith exclaimed, pointing at her accusingly. “There wasn’t a goddamn day that passed in there that I didn’t fuckin’ wish you’d come. In case you forgot, the entire reason I even went in there in the first place was because you wanted me to! It made me think that maybe you’d actually wanna try to work some of this shit out if there was bulletproof glass between us, but I quickly came to realize that the only reason you wanted me in there was so I’d be out of your fuckin’ way.”
“That’s not why I wanted you in there!” Buffy protested, not believing she really thought that. “I wanted you to get better; everything else I tried up until then seemed to only make you worse and I was just desperate for it all to be over. I was out of options at that point and completely fed up with all of your shit. You stole my body, which, hi; not exactly an easy thing to get over. I mean, you trying to sleep with Angel and actually sleeping with Riley was violating enough, but taking my body took violation to a whole other level that took me ages to deal with. Seriously, if I could have afforded therapy I would have been sending you the bill.”
Faith stared at her, jaw locked when Buffy started bringing up the past. It looked like she was trying not to allow herself to argue which Buffy was glad for because really, after all of that, she didn’t have any place to. It used to be so automatic with Faith; defending herself. It really was a sign that she’s changed that she held back her words because she knew she didn’t have an excuse.
So instead of arguing, Faith swallowed the lump in her throat and said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, B… I’m so fuckin’-” her voice cracked under a sudden burst of emotion and she swallowed her apology, back to clenching her jaw again. It was obvious she didn’t want to cry about it; Faith was never big on showing weakness. That and she didn’t look certain that Buffy wouldn’t still beat her to death if she heard it.
“I know,” Buffy said softly, letting out a breath. “I know you’re sorry; I wouldn’t have forgiven you if you weren’t.” Faith didn’t say anything; she still looked like she was trying to fight to get a handle on her emotions. “I knew from the moment I saw you at Angel’s that you were; it was written all over your face. I was just… too angry to care then. I don’t need an apology, but I think part of me wants to know why you did everything you did.”
Faith looked up then, making eye contact with her. She looked surprised that she even asked that and Buffy clarified, “I mean, I understood you turning to the mayor; you have abandonment issues written all over you and he was the only one who ever showed he cared, even if his level of caring was… well, not normal,” Buffy edited, for Faith’s sake. As messed up as it was, the Mayor was as close to a father figure as Faith ever had. “And I know it was our fault for not including you, but I wasn’t the only one that screwed up in that area. And yet everything…” she took a breath, not wanting to get emotional either. If Faith wasn’t going to cry, she damn sure wasn’t going to either. “Everything you did, everything that you purposely messed with to get your kicks always… Faith, it nearly always had to do with me. And I get that I hurt you, I’m not pretending I didn’t; I know I was too wrapped up in my own life to care about anyone else’s, but half the time I couldn’t help but wonder why it seemed to always be about me when everyone else… they ignored you just as much as I did.”
Faith stared at her for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She looked more uncomfortable with this than the attempted apology. “I never thought you ignored me, B,” she said finally, her voice soft. Buffy looked surprised as she continued, “I mean, yeah, we didn’t hang out all the time or anything, but I never had any real friends when I was younger or anything to compare it to; I’ve always been kind of a loner. I honestly was fine just kickin’ it with you to train and slay. And yeah, if we ended up Bronzin’ it after I wasn’t gonna bitch about it. I couldn’t give a damn back then about your friends; was jealous that you had people that gave a shit, yeah; but it wasn’t a big priority of mine to get them to like me cause I was too busy havin’ my eye on something else.”
Buffy looked at her, confused. If she wasn’t angry with how they practically used her as an expendable Slayer, than what was she mad at?
“Look, okay,” Faith tried to explain, never having been good at the whole talking thing. “SunnyD? That wasn’t supposed to be the end of the road for me. After we wasted Kakistos, I planned to be up and gone the next morning. Just figured I’d be a traveling Slayer, or something. Didn’t matter; point was that I wasn’t planning on staying for an extended period of time. But I did, cause… y’know; I liked you. It was fuckin’ ridiculous because we couldn’t even be more opposite and yet I loved more than anything that I finally had someone that like… actually understood my life. And even though we only really hung out to slay or train, it didn’t matter cause those were the days I looked forward to. I was never one to overdo the shit that made me feel good, cause I figured they’d stop feeling special after awhile.”
“Yet you were promiscuous,” Buffy deadpanned, not seeing her logic in the slightest.
Faith shook her head, trying to make her understand. “Sex is different, B. That’s a basic human need. I didn’t feel special when it happened because we were always just two strangers using each other.” Buffy continued to stare at her, so Faith got to her point. “Okay so, here I was, right? Liking you and shit, enjoying the time we spent together, whatever. But then… something changed.”
“Are you talking about when you found out Angel was back?” Buffy asked, trying to follow what Faith was trying to say. Faith shook her head.
“Nah, before that. I liked you, right? But then I started to, fuck, I dunno… like you,” Faith admitted, for the first time looking a little embarrassed. She looked down at the blanket as she continued to explain quickly, like she knew she wouldn’t get it all out if she didn’t go fast, “And y’know, me and emotions don’t work very well; never really dealt with them. So it wasn’t the fact that you were a chick that had me screwed up in the head because I figured same shit, different equipment, y’know? Not exactly rocket science. But it just… was fuckin’ frustrating. I ain’t never liked anyone before, not really anyway, and the first time I actually find that I give half a shit about someone else, it turned out to be someone with the wrong sexual orientation. That blew.”
Buffy nodded. This wasn’t exactly news to her since she did have a feeling Faith liked her back then, but she still didn’t understand why that made her a target. So she stayed quiet and let Faith explain.
“But you know me; still tried anyway. But it sucked; I wouldn’t try hard enough cause I started gettin’ all freaked out that if you knew I wanted to get down and dirty with you that you’d flip your shit and I’d lose the only friend I ever had. But… then you said yeah about going to Homecoming with me and I thought that maybe you finally got where I was coming from.”
Buffy’s face masked with guilt when she remembered that night; even when she did finish fighting for her and Cordelia’s life, she didn’t give Faith the time of day. So basically, in Faith’s mind, she got ignored all throughout her first date. Great. “I didn’t know you meant for it to be a…” Buffy started, trailing off and biting her lower lip. “Faith, I’m sorry. But in my defense, the way you proposed it; getting two guys there to use and ditch, didn’t exactly make it sound like a date.”
“Course it didn’t sound like one, I wasn’t stupid,” Faith replied. “If I had asked you out on a real date you would have freaked out. So I figured that if I could just get you there, maybe I could’ve like, I don’t know, persuaded you into seeing it as a date? I don’t know, it sounds stupid. I’ve never been on a date in my whole life, yet somehow I thought I was smooth enough to actually pull that crap off. I guess in my head I apparently thought it would work because I pawned a bunch of crap just to get that stupid dress and a corsage for you. And I get slaying business, B; you do what you gotta do and try not to get killed in the process, so I ain’t ridin’ on you for showing up wicked late. But even after you were done wasting those damn assassins, you didn’t even bother to say hi to me. Not gonna lie; after awhile I wanted to take my damn dress off and strangle you with it. That was bullshit.”
Buffy couldn’t even imagine what that would feel like; to have the first person she ever bothered to ask out on a date not even know it was one and worse, end up being ignored all night long. But the thing was, Faith was right: if she had asked her out on a proper date she probably would have freaked out. It was hard enough to deal with the fact that she liked Faith and that she was a girl, but for it to actually go somewhere? She would have never been able to deal with that at all, at least not back then.
“I’m really sorry…” was all Buffy could think to say.
Faith shrugged it off, trying to mask the hurt on her face from the memory of it. “Whatever; live and learn, y’know? Besides, not like it stopped me any, just fuckin’ hurt like hell.” She shook her head then, sighing. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Go figure that ‘tie up loose ends before you die’ kick you got going on right now is contagious. I feel like I’m on an episode of Oprah.”
“The point,” Buffy reiterated softly before Faith totally shut down again now that she actually realized how deep she was actually going, “was for you to tell me why; why you always wanted to hurt me so bad over everyone else.”
“You still don’t get it?” Faith asked, now looking at her like she was the one that was slow. Buffy shook her head. “B… everything I fuckin’ did to you when I cracked and went bat shit; tryin’ to fuck Angel, actually screwing Riley, hurting your friends… I did that stuff cause I was pissed they had you and I couldn’t. I didn’t fuckin’ get it. We were the only two Slayers in the world; I assumed that meant that we were like… I dunno, meant for each other or whatever. And I figured that if I took everything you loved, that you’d eventually have to love me back cause I would be all that’s left.”
Buffy stared at her, not even beginning to understand what Faith just said and how it was logical by any means. “That makes a complete sense that is none, Faith. You serious believed that hurting me was the best way to win me over? Did you also happen to be experimenting with drugs at that point in your life, by any chance?”
“Look, I know it’s fucked up but I was stark nuts then, B. At the time it made perfect sense. And I know my jacked up logic during the time where I shoulda been strapped down in a padded room isn’t an excuse, so don’t think I’m making one. You just asked why and I’m trying to tell you; figure it’s the least I can do after totally destroying your life.”
Buffy stared at her, wishing that Faith telling her that would have allowed her some kind of closure, but it didn’t. The fact was she’s never been clinically insane, so the chances of her ever understanding insane-Faith’s logic were slim to none. She understands that Faith was doing something that she thought made sense at the time, but because Buffy didn’t get it she still felt like she was being robbed of an explanation. “You had to have at least known you were hurting me,” Buffy finally said, refusing to believe that she didn’t.
“I did,” Faith confirmed softly, starting to compulsively rub her hands as this conversation made her more anxious. “I didn’t really care. ‘You hurt me; I hurt you’ kind of logic. And it’s so fucked cause I didn’t even get that you weren’t trying to hurt me until I was locked up in the state pen, when I actually could stop and think for a minute about, fuck, everything. You didn’t know I liked you, so the fact that I felt so goddamn rejected by you didn’t even make sense. I thought you were flaunting Angel in my face, which pissed me off too. But I guess I just had this deluded view of what my first love was gonna be like and when it didn’t go down like that at all I just… wanted to keep believing that it would if I just tried harder at getting your attention.”
Buffy stared at her, knowing that she should probably remind Faith how much that insanely doesn’t make sense, but her brain seemed to only be focusing on one thing. “I was your first love?” she asked quietly. She was surprised; a crush was one thing, but love… that was another thing entirely. Buffy didn’t even… well, what she felt for her was complicated. But Faith, she tried so hard to not feel at all that it was shocking that she would even admit to herself that she felt that, let alone to someone else.
Faith stared at her, setting her jaw; she was putting up her walls again. Buffy could have sworn Faith just glared at her before she turned away to look out the window. “Look B, this has been… well, the sex was great, this whole heart-to-heart thing kinda sucked; but I gotta pass out and finish up this whole bullshit healing process. Cause if D-Day comes around and I end up dyin’ before I can take the son of a bitch down with me, I’ll be righteously pissed off.”
Buffy just sat there and stared at her, hoping that Faith would at least have the decency to look her in the eye, but she didn’t. “You’re an idiot,” she told her flatly. That made Faith look at her.
“Excuse you?”
“This is probably the last time we’ll ever be able to talk like this; more than likely for the rest of our lives, both of which have the very strong possibility of ending next Tuesday.”
“Why Tuesday?”
Buffy ignored her, that wasn’t the point. “And just because you’re feeling insecure you want to run away from it? ‘Coward’ isn’t really your color, Faith.”
“What the hell do you want me to say?! You come in here out of freaking nowhere and decide today’s the day you’re gonna screw my brains out. Then if that wasn’t fucked up enough, you drop this bomb on me that somewhere in your warped mind; you actually give a shit about me in like… this real fuckin’ way. Which probably means you’re a masochist, but that’s your own therapeutic issue. And you know, it’s complete crap, Buffy, because it all means nothing since we’re probably gonna fuckin’ die next week!” Faith shouted, getting more furious with her as she spoke each word.
Buffy tried to respond, but Faith wouldn’t let her. “I have spent so goddamn long trying to get over you because I thought I was making all this shit up in my head but hey, it turns out that apparently you did want to get into my pants back in the day - you were just too much of a pussy to do anything about it!”
“Faith, that’s not fair…”
“Isn’t it?” Faith snapped, really angry now. “B, you don’t fuckin’ get how much this sucks for me right now, alright?! It’s like the universe is laughing in my face; all I wanted for what seemed like forever was you. Then you land in my lap out of nowhere, right when we’re both about to be taken out by some massive apocalypse? That’s so fuckin’…” she struggled for the term, but just ended up growling in frustration before she banged her head against the wall, closing her eyes and sighing in defeat as she finished quietly, “what I deserve. It’s so what I fuckin’ deserve it’s not even funny.”
Buffy pursed her lips as she watched Faith’s face mask in distress. Buffy knew that this wasn’t happening because the universe was trying to punish her, but she didn’t say anything because she knew it was her fault for waiting so long to say anything. Part of her couldn’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so terrified back then, maybe if she had just given Faith a chance, that none of this would have ever happened. She knew she shouldn’t be blaming herself, but if there really was even the slightest chance that doing that would turn everything around, she wished she could go back in time and take it.
“Then don’t die,” Buffy finally told her. That made Faith open her eyes to look at her, one eyebrow raised as she stared at her like she was insane.
“What?”
“I told you when I first met you that the first rule of slaying is ‘don’t die’,” Buffy told her seriously. “So don’t die, Faith.”
“Yeah, cause it’s really that fuckin’ simple when we got the mother of all apocalypses, lead by the daddy of all evil loomin’ over our heads,” Faith said sarcastically.
“It is that simple, Faith. You either die or you don’t; so do yourself a favor and don’t fucking die, okay?” Buffy replied, her tone growing louder to better convince Faith of her rather simplistic way of looking at it. “If you really think the universe is playing games with you, then don’t let it; fight back.”
“Says the woman who was so convinced that she was going to die earlier that just she fucked the one person she knows she shouldn’t have, just because she won’t have to deal with the repercussions later.”
“Okay, fine,” Buffy snapped, growing annoyed. “Maybe the only reason I did what I did, and said what I said, was because I thought this was the end. But you know what? I changed my mind.”
“You changed your mind,” Faith repeated slowly, dryly.
“Yeah,” Buffy told her simply. “I’m not going to die. When this whole thing goes down, I’m coming out of it alive. Sitting here and looking at everything so pessimistically is only going to assure that we will die; we’ll get it in our heads that it’s meant to happen and like willing sheep we’ll allow the First to-”
“Ass rape us,” Faith interrupted, cutting her off.
“That was a little more graphic than what I was thinking, but fine; we’ll go with that,” Buffy replied, making a face at the disturbing visual that popped into her head; especially since the First was so keen on using the image of her lately. “So are you going to just lie down and take it, or are you going to actually fight for the chance to make something out of your life?”
Faith stared at her, torn between skepticism and optimism. “Don’t get preachy at me, B; I’m not the recruits. Been through an apocalypse or two in my time and I’m sorry that you hate the fact that it’s made me more realistic about our survival chances, but it has and you know what? Right now it’s lookin’ like we’re gonna get fuckin’ slaughtered.”
Buffy’s hand connected with Faith’s cheek so fast that the sound echoed through the room. Faith looked at her in disbelief, not believing that she just slapped her. “Don’t. Die,” Buffy repeated seriously, not wanting to hear Faith’s stupid survival statistics.
“Did you seriously just slap me like some pansy ass girl?” Faith asked, still stuck on the fact that Buffy bitched slapped her instead of just punching her in the face, like usual.
“Yes, and I’ll do it again if you don’t start listening to me.”
“Yeah, because after getting my face beat in so many times, your girly little slap terrifies the shit out of me,” Faith responded with heavy sarcasm. So Buffy slapped her again.
Only this time it was much, much harder.
“Okay, what the fuck!” Faith shouted as she cradled her cheek in her hand, looking at Buffy like she was an asshole for taking advantage of her ‘don’t hit the good guys’ policy she’s had since she got into town. Maybe it was shitty of her, but Buffy didn’t care. “That one actually fuckin’ hurt, B!”
“Then maybe you should start listening to me,” Buffy told her, no sympathy in her voice. If Faith didn’t want to get slapped, then maybe she shouldn’t go around trying to suck all the happy out of the room with her stupid statistics. “Look,” she told her seriously as she covered Faith’s hand with hers, hoping that the physical contact would get her to listen, “the last time I died, it actually stuck for awhile. And since I’ve been back, you haven’t done anything to piss me off.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Faith asked, not seeing what Buffy’s point was at all. Her fingers moved just briefly, nervously, underneath Buffy’s hand, but she didn’t move.
“I got a chance to start over; I think it’s only fair that you get to too. So,” Buffy explained, hoping she wasn’t about to make a complete ass out of herself, “anything that happened before I died won’t be a deciding factor if you do end up surviving this battle and want to… you know… try again."
Faith stared at her blankly.
Buffy sighed, “Do I really have to spell everything out for you all the time?”
“No, hold on; wait,” Faith said, shaking her head and holding up her hand to signal Buffy to stop talking. “Number one, you didn’t get a chance to start over when you came back from the dead; you just kept right on living your old life. Number two, you can’t just tell me you’ll forget everything I did to you; that’s fucked up.”
“Okay,” Buffy responded, mocking her a little bit as she repeated her numbers. “Number one, my second chance was actually physical; Willow’s spell fixed everything that was ever wrong with me inside since, I don’t know, she had to rebuild from decayed organs? I don’t know the details; all I know is that I felt like I had a totally different body when I came back. It felt… new. I don’t know, it’s just going to get weird if I try to explain it. Anyway, my point is that since I don’t have the power to fix your alcohol soaked liver or your tar-filled lungs; I figured this was a decent substitute.”
Faith narrowed her eyes at Buffy’s assessment of her organs, but let her finish.
“Number two, I didn’t say I’d forget, I just said it wouldn’t be a deciding factor. Meaning if you finally do decide to grow a pair and ask me on that long overdue date, I won’t say no just because of what happened in our past. I’ll give you a chance; like a real, no bullshit chance here to try and… I don’t know; sweep me off my feet or what have you.” She paused, scrunching up her face in distain. “God, that didn’t sound half as superior in my head, sorry. I just didn’t know how else to word it, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I’m giving you the biggest opportunity of your life or something.” Great, and now she was babbling to try to distract Faith from her stupidity; this isn’t going to end well. “I mean, I don’t even know if you’re still interested in even getting somewhat involved with me because it’ll probably end in tears… probably a fist fight… possibly even an apocalypse. But then again, most of my relationships do so at least you’ll know it won’t be personal if it happens; I’m just cursed that way. I-”
“Jesus Christ,” Faith interrupted, slapping a hand over Buffy’s mouth to stop her from speaking. “That’s not as adorable as everyone tells you it is,” Faith informs her, however not able to stop herself from smirking slightly, amused. “And I get what you’re offerin’, and I get how completely fucked it’ll probably all end if we ever do get together.”
Buffy pursed her lips underneath her hand, not liking the way she said that.
“I like you, B; I do. A lot. Fuck, probably a whole shitload more than a lot since we’re on that whole end of the world honesty kick; but this is too much serious talk for what’s goin’ on right now.”
“Oh,” Buffy said once Faith allowed her hand to leave her lips, trying not to sound disappointed. “Okay, no, I… understand.”
Faith sighed heavily, “Look, I’m not… sayin’ that wouldn’t be fucking great, because it would be. But we’re staring death in the face right now and even if we do get out of this apocalypse in one piece, you might think twice about your offer once the dust settles.”
“I want to try,” Buffy told her honestly. “For a long time my hate kept me from seeing if there was anything real between us, or if I was just being a stupid teenager with a crush. But I don’t have the effort to hate you anymore, Faith. I’ve died twice and came back; I don’t think I’ll be so lucky the third time. I’m done wasting my life dwelling on the past; I’ve forgiven you and I want to move forward.”
Faith looked at her for a long time, seemingly contemplating what sounded like an impossible wish. Finally she asked, “Can we just… leave it as forgiveness for right now? I spent the better part of four years convinced that you hated the air I breathed; I need some time to… get used to the fact that you don’t want to stab me every time I come into a room. And if we both survive then I guess… I dunno, we’ll take it from there.”
It wasn’t like Faith to be overly cautious and yet here she was, doing just that; another sign she was starting to finally grow up. Buffy couldn’t penalize her for that, even though it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.
“Okay,” she told her quietly, unable to resist the urge to lean in and kiss her softly on the lips. When they broke, Buffy kept her face close to hers, giving her a half smile as she brushed a single lock of brown hair away from Faith’s eye’s. “Forgiveness… it’s a start.”
And it was a start. But if it was up to Buffy, it definitely wouldn’t be the end.
THE END
Prompt: Forgiveness
Table: Here.
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta: Frass
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Buffy/Faith
Word Length: 8,981 words
Summary: After a night of sex, Buffy and Faith try to figure out what that means for them.
003. Forgiveness
Buffy never had such a mind-numbing fear of speaking until this moment.
She could lecture with the best of them, sure; she could even pump out a few ‘Ra! Ra! Go Team!” speeches every now and then if she had to (which, let’s face it; have been needed more often than not as of late). She could babble for hours with her friends, or spend forever passing down her experience and wisdom to the potentials. The fact of the matter was, Buffy Summers was never without an opinion that she was willing to share. Sure she could be a bit snarky at times, but that was part of her charm, right? Regardless, talking was the one thing she did best; which only stood to prove how entirely backwards this situation really was right now.
Buffy literally could not utter a word. It was as if her mouth just stopped working all together, which honestly wouldn’t be that much of a surprise seeing as her brain apparently stopped functioning properly about an hour ago. And fine, then she probably didn’t need the use of her mouth other than to make barely indistinguishable vowel sounds; but now? Talking was needed. Talking was definitely needed, and yet for the first time in her life Buffy was too scared to share her opinion on what could possibly be defined as a life altering event.
She couldn’t even begin to count the ways this could go wrong. God, she couldn’t even begin to count the reasons this should have never happened in the first place; the last thing any of them needed were distractions.
Buffy probably looked like an idiot as she lay in her bed, clutching the sheets to her naked body as she watched Faith carefully put her clothes back on. It was obvious she was still in pain after nearly blowing herself into Slayer bits, which probably accounted to why the sex was absolutely nothing like Buffy expected. Faith always exuded raw sexual energy and Buffy had always entertained the idea that if something like this was to ever happen, that Faith would take her exactly how she took life: fast, hard, and without a thought to the consequences.
It was nothing like that though. Granted, Faith’s body was still healing but there was just something in the way that she touched her… Buffy couldn’t put her finger on it, but it sure didn’t seem like it was just another fuck to her. Maybe it was just because the two of them had danced around the issue for what seemed like ages and there was a bit of a ‘finally’ to the factor, or maybe it was just because neither of them really thought that they would live out the rest of the week, let alone live long enough for this to actually become something that warranted a serious conversation somewhere down the line. The war was coming faster than they were prepared for and even with the added bonus of the scythe, Buffy couldn’t help but feel like they all were just waiting to be swallowed whole.
Maybe that was part of the reason why she did it; the whole imminent death and unresolved issues factor. Faith finally opened up a little - something Buffy had waited years for - and then suddenly her tongue was in her mouth and her clothes were falling to the floor. Buffy knew it was her fault; she was the one that made the first move, but it wasn’t like Faith protested either.
It’s something she never thought she would do in a million years, but when you’re facing certain death there’s always going to be that part of you that wants to make things right before you go. Maybe having sex wasn’t the best option available, but she figured it was a language Faith was more familiar with. Buffy could tell her until she was blue in the face that she had forgiven her; that all this bitterness and anger between them just wasn’t worth it anymore, but somehow she thought Faith would receive it better if it was shown, rather than voiced out loud. Faith never had been much of a talker.
That, and Buffy just really wanted to see what it would be like before she died.
Part of her had always known that they’d end up here eventually. All the teasing, all the crude comments; Faith loved riling her up, especially when they were teenagers. The problem was, Buffy wasn’t entirely sure Faith knew what she was doing back then. The truth was that she ended up pushing Buffy headfirst into a spiral of self-doubt and confusion; forcing her to realize that she was attracted to a girl. It was much too soon for her to admit that though and so all it ended up doing was make Buffy grow angry with her as she retreated back into her little closet of misery and solitude. And well, we all know what happened when she started to push Faith away, don’t we?
Buffy liked to blame Faith for it all; that if Faith had just been honest with her about things that maybe none of the bad stuff would have ever happened. But looking back on it, Buffy was pretty sure that Faith was also wigging out a bit about being attracted to a girl; she expressed it far differently. She pushed the limits whereas Buffy ran from them. For all of Faith’s bragging about her sexual exploits, she never once said anything about any of them being with another woman. It made Buffy wonder if she was her first, but the last thing she wanted to do was ask; the awkwardness was already beginning to make itself present in the room.
At least Buffy wasn’t the only one not speaking. After it was all said and done, it seemed neither of them knew exactly how to proceed without this turning into World War… what were her and Faith on now; six? The two of them never did know how to express their emotions in a healthy manner, so maybe it was for the best that they weren’t talking about what they just did; it would probably turn into another fight. Besides, Buffy was pretty sure she was still in shock that it actually happened in the first place, which was probably the big reason as to why there were a complete lack of words coming out of her mouth at the moment, when usually she was so fluent with them.
Faith turned as she felt Buffy move from the bed to gather up her clothes. Buffy’s back was facing her, but she could feel Faith’s eyes on her as she bent down to retrieve her shirt. Maybe it was juvenile, especially after what they had just done, but Buffy couldn’t stop the slight blush from forming on her cheeks as she fumbled around, hastily trying to get dressed.
“Already seen what you’re packin’, B,” Faith said suddenly, breaking the long stretch of silence. “No reason to be embarrassed about it now.”
“I’m not embarrassed,” Buffy retorted sharply as she threw her shirt on over her head, pulling it down so quickly that she was sure she just heard a seam tear. She paused though, realizing how she just sounded; sometimes it was just easier to slip into bitch mode when she was around Faith. It seemed far simpler than dealing with what was really going on. “Sorry,” she apologized softly, turning around to catch Faith’s eye. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting this when I walked in here. Trying to deal.”
“And here I thought you were Little Miss Plan of Action with the way ya practically jumped me,” Faith replied, trying to lighten the tension with a joke. All it did though was make Buffy flush a deep crimson as she looked away from her, pulling on her jeans.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, feeling really stupid all of a sudden. Hi, brain? This is Buffy; she would have appreciated the heads up on how utterly retarded her decision making skills were today before she went and had sex with her once mortal enemy. It would have saved her the embarrassment.
“I’m not.”
That statement made Buffy turn back around to look at her, surprised. She never thought Faith would admit to that. Faith seemed to realize how that could be construed a bit too late though, so she tried to cover it up with a nonchalant shrug and a half-assed explanation. “Y’know; cause the orgasm didn’t suck, or whatever. After everything that went down, kinda needed it.”
Buffy resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she turned back around, fixing her jeans from bunching up as she shook her head, sighing quietly. Neither of them were ever going to admit that there was more to it than that, so what’s the point? “Glad to be of service then,” Buffy responded dryly. She didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it just came out.
“Nah, B, I didn’t mean-” Faith started, but stopped herself halfway through, matching Buffy’s sigh with one of her own. She seemed to have come to the same conclusion so she finished with, “Just forget it.” She pushed the covers forward so she could settle back into Buffy’s bed, seemingly intent on continuing her bed rest. It was probably the smartest decision of the afternoon; Faith would need all her strength for the big fight.
Even though it was expected, Buffy was frustrated by Faith’s utter lack of caring. “Don’t you even want to know why?” she asked before she could stop herself. It didn’t make any sense to her; if the positions were reversed Buffy would want to know why a woman who could barely stand her presence most days was suddenly ripping her clothes off. The last thing she wanted to do was get into this, especially now, but somehow in all this mess Buffy realized her feelings were hurt. She wasn’t sure why but then again, nothing that involved Faith ever seemed logical.
“I know why,” Faith told her, leaning against the headboard as she propped one knee up, resting her elbow on top of it. The movement and position were so casual that it was slightly irritating. That was one thing that always bugged Buffy about Faith; no matter what the situation, she always had this knack of using her body language to show that she couldn’t care less about what was going on. Faith wasn’t the best actress in the world by any means so most of the time Buffy could see right through it, but that didn’t make it any less annoying when Faith put up her walls.
“You think so, do you?” Buffy challenged, interested in hearing her theory. She knew she was getting snappy again but that was the way she put up her walls. If Faith was closing herself off, there was no reason Buffy should sit there and be an open book just for her benefit.
“You look out the window lately, B?” Faith responded, gesturing at the outdoors with one hand sarcastically. “It’s the end of the fuckin’ world. Chances are neither of us are gettin’ out of this one alive so it’s time to start scratchin’ shit off our bucket lists; now or never.”
Buffy arched an eyebrow as she scoffed, “You think that having sex with you was on my list of things I needed to do before I die? Your cockiness never ceases to disappoint, does it?” It was an asshole thing to say, especially when what Faith said was true, but Buffy still wasn’t sure she wanted her to know the extent of her feelings.
“Was more thinkin’ along the lines that you wanted to get laid one more time before ya bit the dust. And since you stopped screwing Undead Wonderboy downstairs, I figure you were just takin’ it where you knew you could get it.”
That wasn’t the answer Buffy was expecting at all. “You thought I knew I could have you?” she asked in disbelief. It sounded so ridiculous when it was said out loud.
Sure, she had entertained the possibility that once upon a time Faith might have had feelings for her, but before they ended up in bed together she didn’t know that deep down Faith still harbored some of them. After everything that had happened between them, Buffy thought it would be impossible. She already thought herself insane because even when she wanted to beat Faith within an inch of her life, she still had the screwed up urge to rip off her clothes and lick every inch of her skin.
Then again, Faith has never been the picture of sanity either, so she shouldn’t be all too surprised.
But it was ridiculous because the immense feeling of fear when she first kissed Faith was like nothing she had ever known; it was like her brain had took a vacation momentarily and finally checked back in once she had already thrown herself halfway into shit. She was afraid Faith was going to push her off and then laugh in her face for being stupid enough to think that she could just take whatever she wanted. That didn’t happen obviously, but for a split second Buffy was completely terrified and already halfway on the road to a mental breakdown.
“Don’t bother actin’ all surprised to spare my feelings, Twinkie. I know I’m a slut; been with enough people to prove that theory years ago,” Faith answered, trying to make it sound like it didn’t bother her. Maybe once it didn’t, but Faith had changed a lot over the last couple years and was finally being forced to take a good, long look at herself. It was obvious she didn’t like what she saw.
Faith still tried to act like the same old her to some extent though; the smirks, the swagger, and the cockiness that sometimes bordered on outright narcissism, but it was so much easier to see through the façade now. Buffy wondered sometimes why she even bothered trying when her self-worth was obviously shot to hell and back, but that was Faith for you: always putting on acts up until the very end, just so she doesn’t have to face reality.
“Besides,” Faith added with a smirk. “Massive skills here; had to be the obvious choice outta everyone in this house. Call it a load of crap if ya want, but experience always wins out in the end, especially when it is the end. I mean, do ya really wanna have your last roll in the sack be a bunch of fumbling and stupidity? No,” she answered for her. “Besides, who am I to deny myself the duty of giving Buffy Summers the last orgasm of her life?” She shot her this annoying little grin that Buffy couldn’t help rolling her eyes at.
Yup, and there was that cockiness Buffy had been waiting for.
“I didn’t sleep with you because you were the most experienced, you idiot,” Buffy retorted, annoyed that she really thought that was the reason. Faith could be so thick sometimes that Buffy often wondered how she even managed to function.
“Oh yeah? Well why don’t you fuckin’ enlighten me then since you seem to know everything,” Faith shot back, clearly pissed off that she was just called an idiot. Buffy knew it was going to come to this; an argument. Everything between them always did in the end, it seemed. But Faith was right about one thing: it was the end of the world and the possibility of them coming out at the end of it all was slim to none. So if there ever was a time to do this, it was now.
“I just-” Buffy started, sounding incredibly frustrated as she ran her fingers through her hair. “God, I don’t know! I guess I was just trying to let you know that I forgive you, but since you seem so content on wallowing in your own shit I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that you weren’t able to take it that way.”
“Seems to me like stickin’ your tongue halfway up my cunt is a funny way of showing forgiveness,” Faith retorted, making Buffy flinch from her use of the C word. “I ain’t an expert or anything, but last I checked most people used their words to get that shit across.”
“Oh, because you’re Miss Conversational all of a sudden?” Buffy responded heatedly. “Excuse me for trying to put something in terms I assumed you would understand.”
“I don’t understand a damn thing about any of this, Buffy!” Faith exclaimed suddenly, finally admitting her confusion. It only seemed to make her angrier that she admitted that though and she started ranting at her. “I get that it’s the fuckin’ end of the world and everything; and I also know that ten to one, when the smoke clears we won’t be the ones left standin’. And ya know what? I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with though is you spewing all this bullshit about forgiveness just because it’s the end of the line for us. Newsflash, B: when we’re dead ain’t anything gonna matter anymore.”
“Well maybe not, but it matters to me now!” Buffy shouted, beyond frustrated with how much effort Faith put into pulling away from her. “Maybe you’re not asking for or even want forgiveness, but I needed to let you know that I had. The guilt I liked to hold over your head felt justified once, but now it just feels vindictive because even if I didn’t want to see it at first, it’s obvious how much you’ve changed. I mean, you may still be a pig-headed, arrogant, asshole, but I didn’t expect you to come out of this whole redemption deal perfect.”
Faith looked like she had a retort to that but Buffy wouldn’t let her get a word in; she wasn’t finished. “But you’re here with us now - fighting the good fight and willing to die for it. That’s a significant improvement from years past, I’d say. Things aren’t ever going to be perfect between us, Faith; there was too much damage done by both sides to ever come out of this having a healthy friendship or… otherwise.” She stumbled over that last word and went on quickly, hoping Faith didn’t notice her slip. “But I’ve wasted too much energy hating you and frankly with everything else going on; it kind of put my anger in serious perspective. Yeah, bad stuff happened; fine, but it seems bad stuff always happens to us because we’re Slayers. We just have to take it in stride and move on because a Slayer stuck on pause is always the first one to die.”
“So you fucked me to ensure your survival?” Faith asked with a smirk, once again not able to handle a serious conversation so she turned it into something she could deal with: humor. Buffy wondered if Faith knew how transparent she was or if she really believed she had everyone fooled.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Sure, Faith; I slept with you because the orgasms you gave me made me indestructible.”
Faith chuckled, holding out her arms in a cocky manner. “Hey, it is what it is. I got skills; no point in denying it.” Buffy half expected her to brush her shoulder off after that display, but was thankful she didn’t. That would have been beyond ridiculous.
Buffy shook her head, a little amused despite herself. Faith would always be Faith, there was no changing that. But this was likely the last mildly serious conversation the two of them would ever have, so she felt like she needed to be honest. It may be her last chance, after all.
“Faith, as much skill as you may or may not have; it wasn’t a deciding factor when I slept with you. And if I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t really about forgiveness either,” Buffy admitted, feeling a little nervous about how this could end up turning out. But she forced herself to suppress the urge to just run away, to forget this ever happened and continued, “I wanted you to know I forgave you, but you were right; there were other ways to express that that involved a lot more clothes.”
Faith noticeably froze when she realized where this conversation was going, but she didn’t immediately start running for the door like Buffy expected. That had to be a plus, at least. Faith just sat there, unmoving and unspeaking as she stared at her, keeping her face relatively expressionless. Buffy smoothed her hands out on the blanket to attempt to give off the illusion that they weren’t shaking as she waited for Faith to respond. After a moment, Buffy realized Faith wasn’t planning on saying anything at all until she was finished.
Taking a breath to somehow give her some false sense of encouragement, she told her, “I know I come off as the fearless leader when I talk to the potentials, but the truth is I don’t know if any of us are going to make it out of this alive. You were right when you said I did it because it was the end of the world, but it wasn’t for a last orgasm.” Buffy pursed her lips and looked down at the blanket, not wanting to see Faith’s face as she finished, “So I slept with you because if I am going to die, I want to do it without any regrets. I didn’t get that chance last time.”
Faith was silent for an unusually long time. Buffy held her breath and waited, still not having the courage to look at her. She picked at the blankets self-consciously as she allowed Faith time to process what she just said; she figured it was a lot to take in. Finally Faith asked, genuinely sounding confused, “Wait… so fuckin’ me was on your bucket list?”
Buffy laughed; she couldn’t help it. It was probably nervous laughter, but it came out nonetheless. “I guess so, yeah.” She continued to pick at the blankets, trying to distract her from the fact that Faith still hasn’t voiced her opinion the subject.
“Why?” Faith asked, still sounding confused and now a little defensive. Buffy sighed, putting her head in her hands and massaging her scalp with her fingers to try to stall her forthcoming headache. She should have known Faith wouldn’t understand without it being spelt out for her.
“Because I felt- I mean, I do sort of still… feel things for you,” Buffy tried, still refusing to look at her; so much for her being a mature adult about this. “They’re confusing things but they’ve still always been… things; under the surface of everything else. Like bugs, or something. ” This was coming out completely awkward and as much as Buffy wished she would just shut up, her urge to clarify herself so she doesn’t sound like a retard was stronger. “No, not like bugs; ignore that, that was a stupid comparison because you don’t make my skin crawl or anything. You-”
She let out an aggravated sigh, she was saying everything wrong. She took a breath, trying again. “Okay, what I was trying to say was that I think maybe that was part of the reason I hated you so much, you know? Because you… confused me. I mean, the whole turning evil thing did fuel a lot of it, I’m not saying it didn’t, just… even before all that. You came to Sunnydale and completely turned my world upside down; I didn’t even know who I was anymore and that scared me, so I got angry with you instead. I had enough going on back then and didn’t want to deal with a major lifestyle change that involved wearing birkenstocks and going to Indigo Girls concerts, so I figured pushing you away was the easier solution.” She paused, then admitted, “Obviously it only made things more messed up for both of us, so score zero for Buffy’s intelligence.”
Buffy hadn’t realized how silent Faith had been until she finished her little ramble, but now that silence seemed to deafen her. She had expected a lot of different reactions from Faith, but getting nothing from her wasn’t among them; after all, she wasn’t exactly the type to keep her opinions to herself. After what seemed like forever though, Faith finally spoke.
“B, just cause you wanted to fuck a girl didn’t mean you had to wear birkenstocks and listen to shitty music.”
That made Buffy finally look up at her, disbelief written all over her face. “My God, do you purposely miss the point all the time to drive me insane, or have you really become the slowest human being on the planet?”
“I got what you were saying, Buffy; I’m not stupid,” Faith retorted. “But I don’t-fuck, what do you want me to say?! You can’t just lay that shit out for me when we’re on death row; that’s totally fucked up!”
“Well when else was I going to tell you?!” Buffy exclaimed, trying not to sound hurt since this isn’t going smoothly in the slightest. “Between you going evil and being in jail, we haven’t exactly had a lot of time for girl talk!”
“You could have fuckin’ visited me in jail, for one!” Faith shouted.
“We both know that you would have taken one look at me on the other side of that glass and walked away.”
“Christ, you sit here and call me an idiot, yet look at you!” Faith exclaimed, pointing at her accusingly. “There wasn’t a goddamn day that passed in there that I didn’t fuckin’ wish you’d come. In case you forgot, the entire reason I even went in there in the first place was because you wanted me to! It made me think that maybe you’d actually wanna try to work some of this shit out if there was bulletproof glass between us, but I quickly came to realize that the only reason you wanted me in there was so I’d be out of your fuckin’ way.”
“That’s not why I wanted you in there!” Buffy protested, not believing she really thought that. “I wanted you to get better; everything else I tried up until then seemed to only make you worse and I was just desperate for it all to be over. I was out of options at that point and completely fed up with all of your shit. You stole my body, which, hi; not exactly an easy thing to get over. I mean, you trying to sleep with Angel and actually sleeping with Riley was violating enough, but taking my body took violation to a whole other level that took me ages to deal with. Seriously, if I could have afforded therapy I would have been sending you the bill.”
Faith stared at her, jaw locked when Buffy started bringing up the past. It looked like she was trying not to allow herself to argue which Buffy was glad for because really, after all of that, she didn’t have any place to. It used to be so automatic with Faith; defending herself. It really was a sign that she’s changed that she held back her words because she knew she didn’t have an excuse.
So instead of arguing, Faith swallowed the lump in her throat and said, “I don’t know what you want me to say, B… I’m so fuckin’-” her voice cracked under a sudden burst of emotion and she swallowed her apology, back to clenching her jaw again. It was obvious she didn’t want to cry about it; Faith was never big on showing weakness. That and she didn’t look certain that Buffy wouldn’t still beat her to death if she heard it.
“I know,” Buffy said softly, letting out a breath. “I know you’re sorry; I wouldn’t have forgiven you if you weren’t.” Faith didn’t say anything; she still looked like she was trying to fight to get a handle on her emotions. “I knew from the moment I saw you at Angel’s that you were; it was written all over your face. I was just… too angry to care then. I don’t need an apology, but I think part of me wants to know why you did everything you did.”
Faith looked up then, making eye contact with her. She looked surprised that she even asked that and Buffy clarified, “I mean, I understood you turning to the mayor; you have abandonment issues written all over you and he was the only one who ever showed he cared, even if his level of caring was… well, not normal,” Buffy edited, for Faith’s sake. As messed up as it was, the Mayor was as close to a father figure as Faith ever had. “And I know it was our fault for not including you, but I wasn’t the only one that screwed up in that area. And yet everything…” she took a breath, not wanting to get emotional either. If Faith wasn’t going to cry, she damn sure wasn’t going to either. “Everything you did, everything that you purposely messed with to get your kicks always… Faith, it nearly always had to do with me. And I get that I hurt you, I’m not pretending I didn’t; I know I was too wrapped up in my own life to care about anyone else’s, but half the time I couldn’t help but wonder why it seemed to always be about me when everyone else… they ignored you just as much as I did.”
Faith stared at her for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She looked more uncomfortable with this than the attempted apology. “I never thought you ignored me, B,” she said finally, her voice soft. Buffy looked surprised as she continued, “I mean, yeah, we didn’t hang out all the time or anything, but I never had any real friends when I was younger or anything to compare it to; I’ve always been kind of a loner. I honestly was fine just kickin’ it with you to train and slay. And yeah, if we ended up Bronzin’ it after I wasn’t gonna bitch about it. I couldn’t give a damn back then about your friends; was jealous that you had people that gave a shit, yeah; but it wasn’t a big priority of mine to get them to like me cause I was too busy havin’ my eye on something else.”
Buffy looked at her, confused. If she wasn’t angry with how they practically used her as an expendable Slayer, than what was she mad at?
“Look, okay,” Faith tried to explain, never having been good at the whole talking thing. “SunnyD? That wasn’t supposed to be the end of the road for me. After we wasted Kakistos, I planned to be up and gone the next morning. Just figured I’d be a traveling Slayer, or something. Didn’t matter; point was that I wasn’t planning on staying for an extended period of time. But I did, cause… y’know; I liked you. It was fuckin’ ridiculous because we couldn’t even be more opposite and yet I loved more than anything that I finally had someone that like… actually understood my life. And even though we only really hung out to slay or train, it didn’t matter cause those were the days I looked forward to. I was never one to overdo the shit that made me feel good, cause I figured they’d stop feeling special after awhile.”
“Yet you were promiscuous,” Buffy deadpanned, not seeing her logic in the slightest.
Faith shook her head, trying to make her understand. “Sex is different, B. That’s a basic human need. I didn’t feel special when it happened because we were always just two strangers using each other.” Buffy continued to stare at her, so Faith got to her point. “Okay so, here I was, right? Liking you and shit, enjoying the time we spent together, whatever. But then… something changed.”
“Are you talking about when you found out Angel was back?” Buffy asked, trying to follow what Faith was trying to say. Faith shook her head.
“Nah, before that. I liked you, right? But then I started to, fuck, I dunno… like you,” Faith admitted, for the first time looking a little embarrassed. She looked down at the blanket as she continued to explain quickly, like she knew she wouldn’t get it all out if she didn’t go fast, “And y’know, me and emotions don’t work very well; never really dealt with them. So it wasn’t the fact that you were a chick that had me screwed up in the head because I figured same shit, different equipment, y’know? Not exactly rocket science. But it just… was fuckin’ frustrating. I ain’t never liked anyone before, not really anyway, and the first time I actually find that I give half a shit about someone else, it turned out to be someone with the wrong sexual orientation. That blew.”
Buffy nodded. This wasn’t exactly news to her since she did have a feeling Faith liked her back then, but she still didn’t understand why that made her a target. So she stayed quiet and let Faith explain.
“But you know me; still tried anyway. But it sucked; I wouldn’t try hard enough cause I started gettin’ all freaked out that if you knew I wanted to get down and dirty with you that you’d flip your shit and I’d lose the only friend I ever had. But… then you said yeah about going to Homecoming with me and I thought that maybe you finally got where I was coming from.”
Buffy’s face masked with guilt when she remembered that night; even when she did finish fighting for her and Cordelia’s life, she didn’t give Faith the time of day. So basically, in Faith’s mind, she got ignored all throughout her first date. Great. “I didn’t know you meant for it to be a…” Buffy started, trailing off and biting her lower lip. “Faith, I’m sorry. But in my defense, the way you proposed it; getting two guys there to use and ditch, didn’t exactly make it sound like a date.”
“Course it didn’t sound like one, I wasn’t stupid,” Faith replied. “If I had asked you out on a real date you would have freaked out. So I figured that if I could just get you there, maybe I could’ve like, I don’t know, persuaded you into seeing it as a date? I don’t know, it sounds stupid. I’ve never been on a date in my whole life, yet somehow I thought I was smooth enough to actually pull that crap off. I guess in my head I apparently thought it would work because I pawned a bunch of crap just to get that stupid dress and a corsage for you. And I get slaying business, B; you do what you gotta do and try not to get killed in the process, so I ain’t ridin’ on you for showing up wicked late. But even after you were done wasting those damn assassins, you didn’t even bother to say hi to me. Not gonna lie; after awhile I wanted to take my damn dress off and strangle you with it. That was bullshit.”
Buffy couldn’t even imagine what that would feel like; to have the first person she ever bothered to ask out on a date not even know it was one and worse, end up being ignored all night long. But the thing was, Faith was right: if she had asked her out on a proper date she probably would have freaked out. It was hard enough to deal with the fact that she liked Faith and that she was a girl, but for it to actually go somewhere? She would have never been able to deal with that at all, at least not back then.
“I’m really sorry…” was all Buffy could think to say.
Faith shrugged it off, trying to mask the hurt on her face from the memory of it. “Whatever; live and learn, y’know? Besides, not like it stopped me any, just fuckin’ hurt like hell.” She shook her head then, sighing. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Go figure that ‘tie up loose ends before you die’ kick you got going on right now is contagious. I feel like I’m on an episode of Oprah.”
“The point,” Buffy reiterated softly before Faith totally shut down again now that she actually realized how deep she was actually going, “was for you to tell me why; why you always wanted to hurt me so bad over everyone else.”
“You still don’t get it?” Faith asked, now looking at her like she was the one that was slow. Buffy shook her head. “B… everything I fuckin’ did to you when I cracked and went bat shit; tryin’ to fuck Angel, actually screwing Riley, hurting your friends… I did that stuff cause I was pissed they had you and I couldn’t. I didn’t fuckin’ get it. We were the only two Slayers in the world; I assumed that meant that we were like… I dunno, meant for each other or whatever. And I figured that if I took everything you loved, that you’d eventually have to love me back cause I would be all that’s left.”
Buffy stared at her, not even beginning to understand what Faith just said and how it was logical by any means. “That makes a complete sense that is none, Faith. You serious believed that hurting me was the best way to win me over? Did you also happen to be experimenting with drugs at that point in your life, by any chance?”
“Look, I know it’s fucked up but I was stark nuts then, B. At the time it made perfect sense. And I know my jacked up logic during the time where I shoulda been strapped down in a padded room isn’t an excuse, so don’t think I’m making one. You just asked why and I’m trying to tell you; figure it’s the least I can do after totally destroying your life.”
Buffy stared at her, wishing that Faith telling her that would have allowed her some kind of closure, but it didn’t. The fact was she’s never been clinically insane, so the chances of her ever understanding insane-Faith’s logic were slim to none. She understands that Faith was doing something that she thought made sense at the time, but because Buffy didn’t get it she still felt like she was being robbed of an explanation. “You had to have at least known you were hurting me,” Buffy finally said, refusing to believe that she didn’t.
“I did,” Faith confirmed softly, starting to compulsively rub her hands as this conversation made her more anxious. “I didn’t really care. ‘You hurt me; I hurt you’ kind of logic. And it’s so fucked cause I didn’t even get that you weren’t trying to hurt me until I was locked up in the state pen, when I actually could stop and think for a minute about, fuck, everything. You didn’t know I liked you, so the fact that I felt so goddamn rejected by you didn’t even make sense. I thought you were flaunting Angel in my face, which pissed me off too. But I guess I just had this deluded view of what my first love was gonna be like and when it didn’t go down like that at all I just… wanted to keep believing that it would if I just tried harder at getting your attention.”
Buffy stared at her, knowing that she should probably remind Faith how much that insanely doesn’t make sense, but her brain seemed to only be focusing on one thing. “I was your first love?” she asked quietly. She was surprised; a crush was one thing, but love… that was another thing entirely. Buffy didn’t even… well, what she felt for her was complicated. But Faith, she tried so hard to not feel at all that it was shocking that she would even admit to herself that she felt that, let alone to someone else.
Faith stared at her, setting her jaw; she was putting up her walls again. Buffy could have sworn Faith just glared at her before she turned away to look out the window. “Look B, this has been… well, the sex was great, this whole heart-to-heart thing kinda sucked; but I gotta pass out and finish up this whole bullshit healing process. Cause if D-Day comes around and I end up dyin’ before I can take the son of a bitch down with me, I’ll be righteously pissed off.”
Buffy just sat there and stared at her, hoping that Faith would at least have the decency to look her in the eye, but she didn’t. “You’re an idiot,” she told her flatly. That made Faith look at her.
“Excuse you?”
“This is probably the last time we’ll ever be able to talk like this; more than likely for the rest of our lives, both of which have the very strong possibility of ending next Tuesday.”
“Why Tuesday?”
Buffy ignored her, that wasn’t the point. “And just because you’re feeling insecure you want to run away from it? ‘Coward’ isn’t really your color, Faith.”
“What the hell do you want me to say?! You come in here out of freaking nowhere and decide today’s the day you’re gonna screw my brains out. Then if that wasn’t fucked up enough, you drop this bomb on me that somewhere in your warped mind; you actually give a shit about me in like… this real fuckin’ way. Which probably means you’re a masochist, but that’s your own therapeutic issue. And you know, it’s complete crap, Buffy, because it all means nothing since we’re probably gonna fuckin’ die next week!” Faith shouted, getting more furious with her as she spoke each word.
Buffy tried to respond, but Faith wouldn’t let her. “I have spent so goddamn long trying to get over you because I thought I was making all this shit up in my head but hey, it turns out that apparently you did want to get into my pants back in the day - you were just too much of a pussy to do anything about it!”
“Faith, that’s not fair…”
“Isn’t it?” Faith snapped, really angry now. “B, you don’t fuckin’ get how much this sucks for me right now, alright?! It’s like the universe is laughing in my face; all I wanted for what seemed like forever was you. Then you land in my lap out of nowhere, right when we’re both about to be taken out by some massive apocalypse? That’s so fuckin’…” she struggled for the term, but just ended up growling in frustration before she banged her head against the wall, closing her eyes and sighing in defeat as she finished quietly, “what I deserve. It’s so what I fuckin’ deserve it’s not even funny.”
Buffy pursed her lips as she watched Faith’s face mask in distress. Buffy knew that this wasn’t happening because the universe was trying to punish her, but she didn’t say anything because she knew it was her fault for waiting so long to say anything. Part of her couldn’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so terrified back then, maybe if she had just given Faith a chance, that none of this would have ever happened. She knew she shouldn’t be blaming herself, but if there really was even the slightest chance that doing that would turn everything around, she wished she could go back in time and take it.
“Then don’t die,” Buffy finally told her. That made Faith open her eyes to look at her, one eyebrow raised as she stared at her like she was insane.
“What?”
“I told you when I first met you that the first rule of slaying is ‘don’t die’,” Buffy told her seriously. “So don’t die, Faith.”
“Yeah, cause it’s really that fuckin’ simple when we got the mother of all apocalypses, lead by the daddy of all evil loomin’ over our heads,” Faith said sarcastically.
“It is that simple, Faith. You either die or you don’t; so do yourself a favor and don’t fucking die, okay?” Buffy replied, her tone growing louder to better convince Faith of her rather simplistic way of looking at it. “If you really think the universe is playing games with you, then don’t let it; fight back.”
“Says the woman who was so convinced that she was going to die earlier that just she fucked the one person she knows she shouldn’t have, just because she won’t have to deal with the repercussions later.”
“Okay, fine,” Buffy snapped, growing annoyed. “Maybe the only reason I did what I did, and said what I said, was because I thought this was the end. But you know what? I changed my mind.”
“You changed your mind,” Faith repeated slowly, dryly.
“Yeah,” Buffy told her simply. “I’m not going to die. When this whole thing goes down, I’m coming out of it alive. Sitting here and looking at everything so pessimistically is only going to assure that we will die; we’ll get it in our heads that it’s meant to happen and like willing sheep we’ll allow the First to-”
“Ass rape us,” Faith interrupted, cutting her off.
“That was a little more graphic than what I was thinking, but fine; we’ll go with that,” Buffy replied, making a face at the disturbing visual that popped into her head; especially since the First was so keen on using the image of her lately. “So are you going to just lie down and take it, or are you going to actually fight for the chance to make something out of your life?”
Faith stared at her, torn between skepticism and optimism. “Don’t get preachy at me, B; I’m not the recruits. Been through an apocalypse or two in my time and I’m sorry that you hate the fact that it’s made me more realistic about our survival chances, but it has and you know what? Right now it’s lookin’ like we’re gonna get fuckin’ slaughtered.”
Buffy’s hand connected with Faith’s cheek so fast that the sound echoed through the room. Faith looked at her in disbelief, not believing that she just slapped her. “Don’t. Die,” Buffy repeated seriously, not wanting to hear Faith’s stupid survival statistics.
“Did you seriously just slap me like some pansy ass girl?” Faith asked, still stuck on the fact that Buffy bitched slapped her instead of just punching her in the face, like usual.
“Yes, and I’ll do it again if you don’t start listening to me.”
“Yeah, because after getting my face beat in so many times, your girly little slap terrifies the shit out of me,” Faith responded with heavy sarcasm. So Buffy slapped her again.
Only this time it was much, much harder.
“Okay, what the fuck!” Faith shouted as she cradled her cheek in her hand, looking at Buffy like she was an asshole for taking advantage of her ‘don’t hit the good guys’ policy she’s had since she got into town. Maybe it was shitty of her, but Buffy didn’t care. “That one actually fuckin’ hurt, B!”
“Then maybe you should start listening to me,” Buffy told her, no sympathy in her voice. If Faith didn’t want to get slapped, then maybe she shouldn’t go around trying to suck all the happy out of the room with her stupid statistics. “Look,” she told her seriously as she covered Faith’s hand with hers, hoping that the physical contact would get her to listen, “the last time I died, it actually stuck for awhile. And since I’ve been back, you haven’t done anything to piss me off.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Faith asked, not seeing what Buffy’s point was at all. Her fingers moved just briefly, nervously, underneath Buffy’s hand, but she didn’t move.
“I got a chance to start over; I think it’s only fair that you get to too. So,” Buffy explained, hoping she wasn’t about to make a complete ass out of herself, “anything that happened before I died won’t be a deciding factor if you do end up surviving this battle and want to… you know… try again."
Faith stared at her blankly.
Buffy sighed, “Do I really have to spell everything out for you all the time?”
“No, hold on; wait,” Faith said, shaking her head and holding up her hand to signal Buffy to stop talking. “Number one, you didn’t get a chance to start over when you came back from the dead; you just kept right on living your old life. Number two, you can’t just tell me you’ll forget everything I did to you; that’s fucked up.”
“Okay,” Buffy responded, mocking her a little bit as she repeated her numbers. “Number one, my second chance was actually physical; Willow’s spell fixed everything that was ever wrong with me inside since, I don’t know, she had to rebuild from decayed organs? I don’t know the details; all I know is that I felt like I had a totally different body when I came back. It felt… new. I don’t know, it’s just going to get weird if I try to explain it. Anyway, my point is that since I don’t have the power to fix your alcohol soaked liver or your tar-filled lungs; I figured this was a decent substitute.”
Faith narrowed her eyes at Buffy’s assessment of her organs, but let her finish.
“Number two, I didn’t say I’d forget, I just said it wouldn’t be a deciding factor. Meaning if you finally do decide to grow a pair and ask me on that long overdue date, I won’t say no just because of what happened in our past. I’ll give you a chance; like a real, no bullshit chance here to try and… I don’t know; sweep me off my feet or what have you.” She paused, scrunching up her face in distain. “God, that didn’t sound half as superior in my head, sorry. I just didn’t know how else to word it, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I’m giving you the biggest opportunity of your life or something.” Great, and now she was babbling to try to distract Faith from her stupidity; this isn’t going to end well. “I mean, I don’t even know if you’re still interested in even getting somewhat involved with me because it’ll probably end in tears… probably a fist fight… possibly even an apocalypse. But then again, most of my relationships do so at least you’ll know it won’t be personal if it happens; I’m just cursed that way. I-”
“Jesus Christ,” Faith interrupted, slapping a hand over Buffy’s mouth to stop her from speaking. “That’s not as adorable as everyone tells you it is,” Faith informs her, however not able to stop herself from smirking slightly, amused. “And I get what you’re offerin’, and I get how completely fucked it’ll probably all end if we ever do get together.”
Buffy pursed her lips underneath her hand, not liking the way she said that.
“I like you, B; I do. A lot. Fuck, probably a whole shitload more than a lot since we’re on that whole end of the world honesty kick; but this is too much serious talk for what’s goin’ on right now.”
“Oh,” Buffy said once Faith allowed her hand to leave her lips, trying not to sound disappointed. “Okay, no, I… understand.”
Faith sighed heavily, “Look, I’m not… sayin’ that wouldn’t be fucking great, because it would be. But we’re staring death in the face right now and even if we do get out of this apocalypse in one piece, you might think twice about your offer once the dust settles.”
“I want to try,” Buffy told her honestly. “For a long time my hate kept me from seeing if there was anything real between us, or if I was just being a stupid teenager with a crush. But I don’t have the effort to hate you anymore, Faith. I’ve died twice and came back; I don’t think I’ll be so lucky the third time. I’m done wasting my life dwelling on the past; I’ve forgiven you and I want to move forward.”
Faith looked at her for a long time, seemingly contemplating what sounded like an impossible wish. Finally she asked, “Can we just… leave it as forgiveness for right now? I spent the better part of four years convinced that you hated the air I breathed; I need some time to… get used to the fact that you don’t want to stab me every time I come into a room. And if we both survive then I guess… I dunno, we’ll take it from there.”
It wasn’t like Faith to be overly cautious and yet here she was, doing just that; another sign she was starting to finally grow up. Buffy couldn’t penalize her for that, even though it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.
“Okay,” she told her quietly, unable to resist the urge to lean in and kiss her softly on the lips. When they broke, Buffy kept her face close to hers, giving her a half smile as she brushed a single lock of brown hair away from Faith’s eye’s. “Forgiveness… it’s a start.”
And it was a start. But if it was up to Buffy, it definitely wouldn’t be the end.
THE END