The Very, Very Secret Diary of James Wilson, M.D.
The talented writer hevann asked me to write this, as she has written the very funny "Very Secret Diary of Gregory House, MD." (Over on ff.net) She felt she could get House's voice, but not Wilson's. So I wrote it.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Genre: Crack
Word count: 635
x-posted to house_wilson
MONDAY:
To Do:
Wash the undersides of the kitchen cabinet. Damn cleaning woman always forgets. Reload dishwasher. House always does it wrong. He puts the glasses on the bottom, for God’s sake! Laundry (see below).
Most Annoying Cancer Patient:
Billy. You’d THINK, after 11 years, his parents would have taught him to cover his mouth when he coughs. Blood all over my lab coat.
Personal Achievement:
Finished the first DVD of “Hip Hop Abs”! Then stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror and said, “Who da man? YOU da man!” I’m da man.
Other:
House rearranged my desk toys, and put Doctor Bear in a compromising position with my My Little Pony. (I’ll never let him know the pony wasn’t a gift from a patient-they’re just so damn cute!)
TUESDAY
To Do:
Organize my pens by purpose, size and color. Take coffee table to be refinished because House doesn’t know how to use a damned coaster! Doesn’t he know coffee leaves rings? Was he brought up in a stable? Yeah, he probably was.
Most Annoying Cancer Patient:
Mrs. Zulusky. She keeps saying, “Help me, help me, help me,” in this annoying screechy little voice. When I go in, paste on a smile and say, “We can’t give you more pain medication,” one of her family members always yells, “Help her! You goddamn doctors!”
Personal Achievement:
Did not kill the junior Zulusky. First, do no harm.
Other:
House got hold of my Blackberry and changed my ringtone to “Pretty Fly For A White Guy.” Ha ha ha, House. Very funny.
WEDNESDAY
To Do:
Phone Columbia University to send me a certificate where “Oncology” is spelled correctly. I don’t keep it behind my desk so patients can see it; I keep it there because if I didn’t I’d stare at it all day and the typo would drive me insane.
Most Annoying Cancer Patient:
Tie between patient and nurse. Mr. Powell has a colostomy bag. Beatriz can’t empty the thing without spilling it. No more daytime visits. Night nurse has steadier hands.
Personal Achievement:
Arranged prescription pads in numerical order; took the stairs instead of the elevator twice (take THAT, House!), almost got a salad.
Other:
House came out of his bedroom naked again. I hate when he does that. Because I love when he does that. How come he eats twice as much as I do, never exercises, but still has that hot body? No fair! Strike that: not hot, in shape. Very in shape. Very, very in shape. Incredibly in shape. So-stop it, think about colostomy bags. Eeeuuch. That’s better.
THURSDAY
To Do:
Buy groceries for arroz con pollo. No, for baked chicken and brown rice. Arroz con pollo too fattening. Crap. Do NOT buy banana cream pie.
Most Annoying Cancer Patient:
Billy. Just because the kid can’t control his bladder, he has to pee on my wingtips? WTF?
Personal Achievement:
Again worked out to “Hip Hop Abs”! Who da man? I da man! Wilson’s da MAN!
Other:
Ha! Stole House’s cell phone, changed ringtone to “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. Actually, that song has a very danceable beat, now that I think about it. Do NOT imagine House dancing dressed in white latex! Oh..my..God…COLOSTOMY BAGS! STOP IT!
FRIDAY:
To Do:
Change sheets, wash bedroom rug, Pledge dressers and nightstand.
Most Annoying Cancer Patient:
Who cares?
Personal Achievement:
Not killing House
Other: House hacked my computer again and read my diary! I came home to find him standing in the kitchen stark naked, grinning like an idiot and saying, “Who da man?”
So I showed him who da man. WILSON’S DA MAN!