Fic: Things I Never Wished to Know (Arthur/Eames)
Title: Things I Never Wished to Know
Fandom: Inception
Warnings: Slash... and several inappropriate comments? And like three lines sound like bad porn.
Genre: Humor
Summary: For this prompt at inception_kink: Cobb is horrified to learn Arthur and Eames don't use condoms.
Cobb walks silently into Arthur's apartment with the spare key he was given ages ago. He should have called first, and he did, only Arthur did not pick up. It was a cause for concern, seeing as Arthur never, ever ignored Cobb's calls (not since the Great Accident of '06, which lead to Cobb being banned from twenty bars across Los Angeles forever because he had aggressively hit on every single French woman, calling them "Mal" and offering to grow old with them).
Cobb was just entering Arthur's apartment to make sure nothing bad had happened to Arthur, and he was so sure that something had happened to his point man because the apartment was so quiet and dark, or, he was sure until the smell hit him.
"Oh God," Cobb groaned. It was the smell of sex. Dirty, raunchy, messy sex from the pure pervasiveness of it. Now that he concentrated and looked for sounds that he never expected to hear from Arthur's apartment, he could hear sounds coming from down a hallway, where Cobb knew Arthur's bedroom was. Not just sounds of regular bed-squeaking sex, but sounds of the dirty, raunchy, messy kind of sex.
"Faster, faster, goddamn it," a hoarse voice Cobb is aghast to identify as Arthur's demands. Whoever Arthur is with chuckles lowly.
Fuck, Cobb swears, because he recognizes that chuckle, and his conclusion is verified when the other man speaks.
"I'd love to, darling," a voice that is unmistakably Eames' says, "but I'm afraid that if I tire this ass out tonight--" here, Arthur gives out a sharp moan, and Cobb doesn't even want to know what Eames had just done, "-- tomorrow you won't even be able to sit down without feeling the burn and thinking of how hard l --"
"Alright, that's enough!" Cobb yells so loudly that he is dimly aware of plates and cups trembling in the kitchen noisily. "Arthur! Eames!" There is silence for a moment after that, and then:
"Oh fuck," he hears Arthur say. He hears frantic scrambling and Eames' disappointed grumbles as he stays rooted to the spot right before the right turn leading to the hallway where Arthur's room is. He doesn't want to see anything he doesn't have to, even though he's definitely smelling something he wishes he didn't have to.
There is more scrambling and several moments pass before Arthur runs out in front of him, dressed in loose sweatpants and what looks to be one of Eames' "hideous," as Arthur had once put it, shirts. It has smiley faces on it, all over the place, and each smile is like a mocking laugh in the face of Cobb's shattered innocence.
"What are you doing here, Cobb?" Arthur asks professionally, although the pink tinge in his face and the fact that there is a suspicious white blob near his hairline begs to differ. Cobb sobs on the inside.
"I... I wanted to see if you weren't hurt," Cobb says, avoiding Arthur's eyes, which are avoiding his own, "you didn't answer my call."
"Didn't he?" Eames' voice booms from the direction of Arthur's room. Arthur's eyes turn towards his room, while Cobb just stares behind his shoulder. "Well, it must have gotten lost under the couch somewhere."
"The couch," Cobb repeats, squinting at both of them. Arthur flushes.
"I'll look for it now," Arthur says, quickly going over to where the couches are. Cobb stares forlornly after him, wondering where the kid who liked to play neopets when he thought no one was watching went.
"So," Eames says, smiling.
"So," Cobb says, squinting. Eames smile lowers from an 11 to a 10 on the 10 point scale.
"Let's go help him," Eames suggests. Cobb nods. They go.
If the smell was bad, the living room is even worse, Cobb realizes as he walks over to where the couches are. It is in complete disarray. There are cushions everywhere and the table is completely knocked over (although James' present, a Big Bird figurine, has been carefully placed near the t.v).
"Did you two have sex here?" Cobb asks incredulously. "Or did you two rape a baboon - no, two baboons?" Arthur flushes so hard that Cobb can see the red covering his entire neck and ears.
"He's a shy one," Eames says cheerfully, "not that you can tell between the sheets. Or out of the sheets for that matter. You know, after our fourth rou--" Arthur chucks a seat cushion at him. Cobb coughs uncomfortably. He wants to help Arthur look but at the same time he doesn't because it's obvious that Eames and Arthur had sex on the couches, and he doesn't want to accidentally touch a condom or condom wrapper and --
Wait a second...
"Arthur, where are the condoms?" Cobb asks. It's a horrifying question, Cobb knows, and by the fact that Arthur is flipping over seat cushions like he didn't hear the question at all confirms that Arthur thinks that it's a horrifying question, too. Unfortunately, Cobb will not let the matter lie. "Arthur."
"We don't use them," Eames says too casually to be casual. Cobb turns slowly to look at Eames, who has a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Don't use them?" Cobb repeats, horrified. His mind immediately jumps to the numerous STDs he knows and had been forced to memorize by his mother when he was getting into his dating years. "But, stds--" Arthur loudly throws a cushion onto the ground.
"We've both been tested," Eames says, shrugging, "and we're both clean. Don't really need condoms now that all we have is each other."
"But still, full protection means--"
"It feels amazing," Eames continues on, ignoring the look on Cobb's face, which is quickly approaching nauseated and traumatized, "so I don't think Arthur and I can go back. Right, darling?" Arthur, who has been trying to ignore the conversation thus far, slowly stood up. Every centimeter he rose, the tension in the room thickened. Once he had straightened out, he turned slowly to face Eames and Cobb.
"Eames," he says dangerously, "you will cease speaking or else something very painful will be jammed somewhere unpleasant and you," he says, turning to Cobb, "my sex life is none of your business. We've both been tested, we don't need protection from each other and --"
"It's hard to find condoms that can fit me." Arthur looks at Eames. Cobb looks at Eames. Eames leers at Arthur and smile a slow, filthy smile that hints of promises and broken moans against bathroom mirrors.
Cobb doesn't know what to say.
"Cobb," Arthur breathes out, not even looking at him, "I found my phone. We'll see you tomorrow." Cobb takes one look at the looks Arthur and Eames are trading with each other and quickly begins to walk backwards towards the door. Talking with Arthur about the job can wait until later, he decides.
And if he wakes up that night from sleep dreaming of Arthur having multiple sexually-transmitted diseases or Arthur with a large baby bump wearing pregnancy pants with Eames hovering over him like a proud to-be-Daddy, he sure as hell doesn't say so to either of them. Even if Arthur comes in the next day limping and leaning on Eames, who is grinning like a loon.
Fandom: Inception
Warnings: Slash... and several inappropriate comments? And like three lines sound like bad porn.
Genre: Humor
Summary: For this prompt at inception_kink: Cobb is horrified to learn Arthur and Eames don't use condoms.
Cobb walks silently into Arthur's apartment with the spare key he was given ages ago. He should have called first, and he did, only Arthur did not pick up. It was a cause for concern, seeing as Arthur never, ever ignored Cobb's calls (not since the Great Accident of '06, which lead to Cobb being banned from twenty bars across Los Angeles forever because he had aggressively hit on every single French woman, calling them "Mal" and offering to grow old with them).
Cobb was just entering Arthur's apartment to make sure nothing bad had happened to Arthur, and he was so sure that something had happened to his point man because the apartment was so quiet and dark, or, he was sure until the smell hit him.
"Oh God," Cobb groaned. It was the smell of sex. Dirty, raunchy, messy sex from the pure pervasiveness of it. Now that he concentrated and looked for sounds that he never expected to hear from Arthur's apartment, he could hear sounds coming from down a hallway, where Cobb knew Arthur's bedroom was. Not just sounds of regular bed-squeaking sex, but sounds of the dirty, raunchy, messy kind of sex.
"Faster, faster, goddamn it," a hoarse voice Cobb is aghast to identify as Arthur's demands. Whoever Arthur is with chuckles lowly.
Fuck, Cobb swears, because he recognizes that chuckle, and his conclusion is verified when the other man speaks.
"I'd love to, darling," a voice that is unmistakably Eames' says, "but I'm afraid that if I tire this ass out tonight--" here, Arthur gives out a sharp moan, and Cobb doesn't even want to know what Eames had just done, "-- tomorrow you won't even be able to sit down without feeling the burn and thinking of how hard l --"
"Alright, that's enough!" Cobb yells so loudly that he is dimly aware of plates and cups trembling in the kitchen noisily. "Arthur! Eames!" There is silence for a moment after that, and then:
"Oh fuck," he hears Arthur say. He hears frantic scrambling and Eames' disappointed grumbles as he stays rooted to the spot right before the right turn leading to the hallway where Arthur's room is. He doesn't want to see anything he doesn't have to, even though he's definitely smelling something he wishes he didn't have to.
There is more scrambling and several moments pass before Arthur runs out in front of him, dressed in loose sweatpants and what looks to be one of Eames' "hideous," as Arthur had once put it, shirts. It has smiley faces on it, all over the place, and each smile is like a mocking laugh in the face of Cobb's shattered innocence.
"What are you doing here, Cobb?" Arthur asks professionally, although the pink tinge in his face and the fact that there is a suspicious white blob near his hairline begs to differ. Cobb sobs on the inside.
"I... I wanted to see if you weren't hurt," Cobb says, avoiding Arthur's eyes, which are avoiding his own, "you didn't answer my call."
"Didn't he?" Eames' voice booms from the direction of Arthur's room. Arthur's eyes turn towards his room, while Cobb just stares behind his shoulder. "Well, it must have gotten lost under the couch somewhere."
"The couch," Cobb repeats, squinting at both of them. Arthur flushes.
"I'll look for it now," Arthur says, quickly going over to where the couches are. Cobb stares forlornly after him, wondering where the kid who liked to play neopets when he thought no one was watching went.
"So," Eames says, smiling.
"So," Cobb says, squinting. Eames smile lowers from an 11 to a 10 on the 10 point scale.
"Let's go help him," Eames suggests. Cobb nods. They go.
If the smell was bad, the living room is even worse, Cobb realizes as he walks over to where the couches are. It is in complete disarray. There are cushions everywhere and the table is completely knocked over (although James' present, a Big Bird figurine, has been carefully placed near the t.v).
"Did you two have sex here?" Cobb asks incredulously. "Or did you two rape a baboon - no, two baboons?" Arthur flushes so hard that Cobb can see the red covering his entire neck and ears.
"He's a shy one," Eames says cheerfully, "not that you can tell between the sheets. Or out of the sheets for that matter. You know, after our fourth rou--" Arthur chucks a seat cushion at him. Cobb coughs uncomfortably. He wants to help Arthur look but at the same time he doesn't because it's obvious that Eames and Arthur had sex on the couches, and he doesn't want to accidentally touch a condom or condom wrapper and --
Wait a second...
"Arthur, where are the condoms?" Cobb asks. It's a horrifying question, Cobb knows, and by the fact that Arthur is flipping over seat cushions like he didn't hear the question at all confirms that Arthur thinks that it's a horrifying question, too. Unfortunately, Cobb will not let the matter lie. "Arthur."
"We don't use them," Eames says too casually to be casual. Cobb turns slowly to look at Eames, who has a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Don't use them?" Cobb repeats, horrified. His mind immediately jumps to the numerous STDs he knows and had been forced to memorize by his mother when he was getting into his dating years. "But, stds--" Arthur loudly throws a cushion onto the ground.
"We've both been tested," Eames says, shrugging, "and we're both clean. Don't really need condoms now that all we have is each other."
"But still, full protection means--"
"It feels amazing," Eames continues on, ignoring the look on Cobb's face, which is quickly approaching nauseated and traumatized, "so I don't think Arthur and I can go back. Right, darling?" Arthur, who has been trying to ignore the conversation thus far, slowly stood up. Every centimeter he rose, the tension in the room thickened. Once he had straightened out, he turned slowly to face Eames and Cobb.
"Eames," he says dangerously, "you will cease speaking or else something very painful will be jammed somewhere unpleasant and you," he says, turning to Cobb, "my sex life is none of your business. We've both been tested, we don't need protection from each other and --"
"It's hard to find condoms that can fit me." Arthur looks at Eames. Cobb looks at Eames. Eames leers at Arthur and smile a slow, filthy smile that hints of promises and broken moans against bathroom mirrors.
Cobb doesn't know what to say.
"Cobb," Arthur breathes out, not even looking at him, "I found my phone. We'll see you tomorrow." Cobb takes one look at the looks Arthur and Eames are trading with each other and quickly begins to walk backwards towards the door. Talking with Arthur about the job can wait until later, he decides.
And if he wakes up that night from sleep dreaming of Arthur having multiple sexually-transmitted diseases or Arthur with a large baby bump wearing pregnancy pants with Eames hovering over him like a proud to-be-Daddy, he sure as hell doesn't say so to either of them. Even if Arthur comes in the next day limping and leaning on Eames, who is grinning like a loon.