So Tired Chapter 7
So Tired Chapter 7
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be a little triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.
-------
He didn't think he'd gotten so much as 30 minutes of sleep the night before. Nightmares kept assaulting him frequently. He never wanted to go back to Hillside Psychiatric Hospital and he was worried that his father might send him back if he lost more weight. He was back to skipping meals, not because he wanted to lose weight but because he was afraid to the food running out and most days he just didn't feel like eating.
So he forced himself to make and eat breakfast even though it was the last thing he wanted. He even made a half sandwich and took an apple for lunch.
It was the worst time in his life and unfortunately it looked like circumstances where ideal for it to be repeated. He was going to make sure that didn't happen. But how did he avoid it?
Last year everything that had started it all was pretty much identical to what he was facing now. It had been repeated many times before and would happen many times in the future. Their dad was late from a hunt and the food was running out and Dean had no idea when he'd be back. So he started drinking water for breakfast and lunch and ate a few spoonfuls of supper, while discreetly making sure to save enough leftover's for Sam's lunch the next day.
So what happened last year? It was dumb and stupid and embarrassing. That's what it was. He couldn't believe he let it happen.
He'd been trying to impress his Dad. He couldn't believe what an idiot he for thinking he could pull it off. When he'd stopped eating he dropped a few pounds. That was a given, but it was nothing significant.
His dad had come home and had been injured, not seriously, but in his not so logical-Winchester logic he blamed his injury on the fact that his sons weren't in shape.
So he began an intense training regime. They checked into a nicer hotel that had a gym and a pool. It was anything but fun, though. They swam laps, ran on treadmills, lifted weights, were put through a calisthenics course that put Marine training to shame. Of course, all Sam did was bitch but it allowed him to lose the last bit of his baby fat. Dean was never sure if it was a coincidence but he found losing those couple pounds allowed him to shave a couple seconds off his best times. His father got that look when he clicked the stop watch, almost like he was proud.
When the next hunt came up, they were dropped off at Pastor Jim's since it was close by and told to keep up the training. The food was abundant and Dean put back on the weight he lost, and lost a couple of seconds off his time.
So he went back to not eating much supper. It wasn't about him being fat. He knew he wasn't. He just wanted to get in shape.
He became good at making it look like he was eating. He would cut his food up into small pieces and push it around his plate and only eat a couple of bits. He could claim he was up early and already ate when it came time for breakfast and he'd take a lunch with him when he went out and just ditch it in the woods. At least that was what he thought he was getting away with it.
He should have known he couldn't fool Pastor Jim. He had been confronted several times and denied it but Jim eventually caught him in the act when he followed Dean on a training run. He'd been angry at not being trusted at first but Jim didn't seem mad, just disappointed when Dean admitted the real reason he wasn't eating. Anger would have been easier to deal with since all he did was disappoint the people he cared about.
So did he disappoint Jim or did he disappoint his dad?
He tried to please them both and eat a little more but he just upped his training regime so help burn off the extra calories.
Jim caught him at that too and put him on a tight training and eating schedule. Dean also found himself sitting in a doctor's office being lectured. It was then that he first heard the term Anorexia. He didn't have it but the doctor thought he was headed down a dangerous path.
Dean tried harder, he did but then his dad came home and he lost a couple of seconds and he had to put up with the lecture about him not training hard enough.
So skipping one or two meals and hearing his dad say he was proud of Dean's times and the effort he put into training was worth it right?
------
"Dean, hey Dean, Earth to Dean," a voice cut into his thoughts.
"What do you want?" Dean snapped with more force than he'd intended too.
"I said if you're getting the groceries can you get some Lucky Charms. I ate the last of them yesterday."
"They're too expensive and the is a big box of Corn Flakes that's not even opened.
"Gross. Why can't you buy some things I like?"
"I'll tell you what Sam, when I get paid I'll give you $50 and you can go and do the shopping. "
"It's your responsibility and I hate grocery shopping," Sam whined.
"Then stop bitching about what I buy. "
"But you buy crap," Sam complained.
"I'll make you a bet," Dean suddenly put forward. "I'll give you $50 dollars when I get paid and you go shopping. If you can get everything you want and make sure we have enough for a week I'll give you the $20 for your project. If you can't than you have to do all the house work for a week. "
"Deal," Sam said eagerly. He was way smarter than Dean so how hard can it be. He debated getting the flyers and making a list but his volcano was more important to he started trying to figure out how to make that epic.
----------
At least Mr. Lafitte was back so Dean wasn't going to have to put up with Ms. Best for inclusion. Thank God for that small favor.
"Dean, I had a chance to read over your English essay and I want to say good job. You just have to do go over some grammar and spelling mistakes but it should be ready to hand in Monday. Excellent points about the power death holds over us. I really like how you demonstrated this was an ongoing theme throughout all Poe's work."
"Thanks sir," Dean said with a genuine smile. He didn't often get complements on his school work. He was kind of proud of that essay. He wondered if his dad would like it. Probably not, he decided.
"So now we need to talk about your PSHE project, Ms. Best is concerned that you don't appeared to have started it yet and its due in a week."
"I got the info," Dean said defensively. "Here." He pulled out his note book for Mr. Lafitte to look over.
"You have all the info, but its lacking the personal touch that your English essay did."
Dean looked at him sharply. Did he know? Is that why they gave him this topic.
"Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a Ghost."
"I'm fine," Dean said trying to keep his temper under control. His dad promised.
"Okay, when I say personal touch why not look at it from a guys perspective. I know most only think it effects girls but...."
Fuck, he did know. "He told you," Dean accused. "He promised he wouldn't say a word to anyone," he said in quiet disbelief.
"Dean, are you okay. Tell me what? No one said a word to me."
"About...." he stopped abruptly and looked around to make sure no one could hear him. "Never mind. Can I just go the bathroom. I feel sick."
"Dean, calm down," Benny said. He could recognize the signs of a panic attack. "Go the washroom and splash some water on your face and you can go home for the day but we are going to talk about this tomorrow.
He didn't need to be told twice he just grabbed his back pack and hightailed it out of the room as fast as he could go.
------
He spent the evening wondering how he could get out of going to school tomorrow. He could fake a migraine but then they might want a note. He could somehow manage to really break his leg, but then his father would have to come home and Dean would have failed him again. Maybe his appendix would burst but that again would make him disappoint his dad. Maybe he could just vanish off the face of the Earth. It's not like anyone would really miss him. Sam could stay at Pastor Jim's or Bobby's.
The time in the psych hospital was something Dean did not want to think about but it wouldn't leave him alone. It was the only thing on his mind and no matter what he did, he couldn't distract himself from his memories. He'd been doing so good at burying it. Why the hell was all this coming up now?
His dad for the first time since Dean was 6 and shot the bottles off the fence had said he was proud of his son. So what if he skipped a few meals to get there. So what if he skipped a few more to make his dad even more proud by being stronger and able run faster and jump higher. It was no big deal right?
Except that after a while it had the opposite effect. He started to feel weaker and get slower causing his dad to yell at him for being lazy.
He started losing track of what way was up. Should he eat more or less or did it even matter. He got so turned around he stopped wanting to eat altogether because it seemed he was dammed if he did and damned if he didn't and if he didn't the food would last longer.
So being fat and worried about what he weighted didn't have a damned thing to do with it. Stupid doctors didn't know what they were talking about. He only collapsed at school because he was tired from all the training and not sleeping right, not because he stopped eating. He just needed a nap not the stint in hell that his doctor recommended. He'd get better if people would leave him the fuck alone, but no his traitor father agreed and sent Dean away. He was poked and prodded and analyzed and...
NO!!!! Just fuck no!!!!!
RING RING
That better not be fucking work because if he went in there tonight he was seriously going to be fired for telling everyone off. "Hello," he said tentatively.
"Dean, what the fuck is going on there? Why the hell did I get a call from your teacher?"
Okay, this as so much worse. "Dad, I didn't do anything," Dean said in a rare defense of himself.
"I can believe that," John snapped back. "Is that why I'm getting calls. I told you to keep your nose clean. You're just damned lucky he didn't ask to meet with me because I can't get away."
"I...." How did he explain this? "I had trouble on an assignment. I just...got frustrated with it."
"Excuses. It's stupid school work. Do your best to pass that's all I ask. You can't even do that?"
"I'm not stupid," Dean said defensively.
John sighed loudly. "I never said you were. Now what about the assignment got you so upset."
"My health teacher's a bitch and..."
"DEAN!!!!"
"WHAT? She wanted me to do a project on anorexia, okay. I didn't want to but I did it anyway. I half-assed it. Happy?" Dean had to fight the urge to just hang up on his father, but that would be the equivalent to committing suicide.
John felt some of his anger evaporating. He knew that his son was embarrassed about that time. It was a deal he made with Dean. If Dean cooperated with the doctors he would never mention it to anyone. Not even Pastor Jim knew that Dean spent time in the hospital for it. Blowing off Jim's concerns was something he regretted. Maybe the whole thing could have been avoided. Seeing Dean in the hospital after he had collapsed had scared him. You could count his ribs, he was so thin. The doctor's had showed him pictures and the thought of one of those emaciated bodies potentially being his son was enough for him to agree that Dean needed treatment and more than he could give him. They'd told Sam that Dean was spending time with a buddy of his studying hunting.
"I understand son," John said gently. This was an extremely touchy subject and could set Dean off like nobody's business. "I'm not upset if you just did what was necessary but I still don't understand why I got a call from your teacher?"
"You told," Dean suddenly accused.
He what? He hadn't. It was one promise he actually kept. "I didn't tell anyone?"
"Then how did he know?"
"Who?"
"Mr. Lafitte. He was going over my work and told me to add personal touches and look at it from a guys perspective. Why would he say those things if he didn't know?"
"Dean! Dean, listen to me. You have to calm down son. Take some deep breaths for me." Great he'd been warned that stuff like this could cause Dean to have a setback. He just hoped he wasn't going to have to cut this trip short. He had a lead, and he didn't need to be dealing with teenage crap. "Alright, now I didn't say a word Dean. If you think about it he was probably just making suggestions."
"Sorry dad," Dean said feeling embarrassed. He over reacted as per usual. God, he really was such a screw up.
"Now are you eating?"
"YES!!" Dean exploded again.
"CALM DOWN SOLIDER AND THATS AN ORDER. It's just a question. One I have every right to ask. I'm going to weigh you when I get back."
"I'm not going back." Dean immediately answered. "If you make me I'm just going to run away."
"Are you through? I'm not sending you back there. I never said I was. I just want to make sure your looking after yourself."
"Well I am," Dean said and he decided he didn't care at the moment if he lived or died because he was done talking about this and he just hung up the phone. He didn't even care about his homework. He just went down the hall and went to bed. He really didn't give two fucks that it was only 6pm. Sam could fend for himself.
------
Last year
Dean was laying in his hospital bed wondering when his dad was just going to discharge him. He'd been here for a week and no one would leave him alone. They keep bring him food and he kept insisting no one could eat the crap they were trying to feed him. He wasn't allowed in the room alone during meal times after a nurse caught him throwing up after diner one time. She sat with him and insisted he eat even though he wasn't fucking hungry. They threatened him with tubes. His father would tell them where to go with that one. He just wished he'd get on with it already. He was meeting with his doctor to arrange his discharge.
"Ready to get out of here dude," John asked.
"I was ready a week ago. Why did it take so long. I just needed a good nap."
John tried to keep his expression neutral as he helped Dean get dressed. He tired so easily these days. He had no idea if he was doing the right thing or not. All he knew was that he had no idea how to handle this situation. He'd been told that just forcing Dean to eat wouldn't change anything. They had to find the underlying cause. So John agreed to send Dean to a clinic that specialized in eating disorders.
He just hadn't told Dean that yet.
Dean was going to go ballistic when he found out, that was as sure as the sun coming up every morning.
"Dad, can I ask you something?" Dean said seriously when they were in the car.
"What?"
"Does Sam know why I was in the hospital? You just told him I overworked myself right. I'm not anorexic or whatever the hell they were trying to label me with. I'm not some girl. He'll tease me anyway."
"No, I didn't tell him," John said honestly. Okay, part of the reason was that he didn't need to get into it with Sam over him leaving for hunts. The other reason is that Sam often didn't have a filter and said things that Dean took the wrong way, and John did not need him giving Dean a hard time over this, so part of it really was to protect Dean.
"Thanks. Are there any hunts your working on? I feel much better now and I can help."
"I know you can, kiddo," John said sincerely. "You'll be better than your old man some day." He was pleased when Dean smiled.
"I have a few leads. What to get a pizza and go discuss them?" Maybe the doctors were full of shit. Those hopes were quickly dashed when Dean looked a little green and mumbled he wasn't hungry. "I better get back to training so I can be in shape for hunting."
"You heard the doctors. Proper nutrition is a part of that." God, he felt like such a hypocrite. To him proper nutrition was putting tomatoes and lettuce on a hamburger.
"I said I wasn't hungry," Dean insisted. God, didn't anyone ever listen to him. "I'll eat later."
No, unfortunately what he was about to do could not be avoided.
"I can't wait to get out of this place. Please tell me we're moving," Dean requested. He didn't want anyone at school asking too many questions.
"No, we have to stay for a little while," John covered.
"Can I at least not go to back to that crappy school. I can learn so much more working with you."
"No, you don't have to go back there," John said giving a partial truth. "Dean, about..."
"Thanks, Dad. Maybe we could go for a run. I bet I could beat my time by 3 seconds."
"Dean..."
"Where are we going?" He asked suddenly. "The motel is the other way."
Don't ask me that baby, please. I don't know how to answer it. "ah...not staying there," John mumbled still attempting not to completely lie.
"Why did we switch hotels? The last one had a pool and I know that Sam liked that." Great his brother was going to be a little bitch about having nothing to do.
"We didn't exactly..."
"WHERE ARE WE?" Dean demanded when John turned the corner and into the driveway of what looked exactly like a hospital. "Why are we here?"
"Dean, I need you to listen to me," John said gently as he pulled into the parking lot and turned to face his distraught son.
"Why are we back at a hospital? I'm not stupid. I know where we are."
"Dean..."
"No, fuck off. I'm not..."
"Dean?" John inquired when his son stopped in mid sentence and saw that he was staring at the front entrance and the sign over the door.
Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.
"YOU'RE A LYING BASTARD YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!"
"Alright, Dean that's enough. You need help."
"I said I was fine. I don't have a girl disease," he insisted, growing more frantic by the minute.
"Dean..."
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!" Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.
TBC
Author's note: I decided to show Dean's experience in the hospital in detail, because I have always wanted to attempt Dean in a psych ward and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to include it. One of the hardest things about this challenge was finding a believable reason why it would be important for Dean to lose weight, rather than it strictly being a body image issue. Hopefully I found a believable reason that fits with Dean's character. I was also trying to look at the situation from Deans' POV so I hope I didn't upset anyone by referring to it as a "girl disease." I know its anything but.
Anyway, don't forget the feedback. My muse is very insecure and need constant reassurance that the story is being read and people are enjoying it.
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be a little triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.
-------
He didn't think he'd gotten so much as 30 minutes of sleep the night before. Nightmares kept assaulting him frequently. He never wanted to go back to Hillside Psychiatric Hospital and he was worried that his father might send him back if he lost more weight. He was back to skipping meals, not because he wanted to lose weight but because he was afraid to the food running out and most days he just didn't feel like eating.
So he forced himself to make and eat breakfast even though it was the last thing he wanted. He even made a half sandwich and took an apple for lunch.
It was the worst time in his life and unfortunately it looked like circumstances where ideal for it to be repeated. He was going to make sure that didn't happen. But how did he avoid it?
Last year everything that had started it all was pretty much identical to what he was facing now. It had been repeated many times before and would happen many times in the future. Their dad was late from a hunt and the food was running out and Dean had no idea when he'd be back. So he started drinking water for breakfast and lunch and ate a few spoonfuls of supper, while discreetly making sure to save enough leftover's for Sam's lunch the next day.
So what happened last year? It was dumb and stupid and embarrassing. That's what it was. He couldn't believe he let it happen.
He'd been trying to impress his Dad. He couldn't believe what an idiot he for thinking he could pull it off. When he'd stopped eating he dropped a few pounds. That was a given, but it was nothing significant.
His dad had come home and had been injured, not seriously, but in his not so logical-Winchester logic he blamed his injury on the fact that his sons weren't in shape.
So he began an intense training regime. They checked into a nicer hotel that had a gym and a pool. It was anything but fun, though. They swam laps, ran on treadmills, lifted weights, were put through a calisthenics course that put Marine training to shame. Of course, all Sam did was bitch but it allowed him to lose the last bit of his baby fat. Dean was never sure if it was a coincidence but he found losing those couple pounds allowed him to shave a couple seconds off his best times. His father got that look when he clicked the stop watch, almost like he was proud.
When the next hunt came up, they were dropped off at Pastor Jim's since it was close by and told to keep up the training. The food was abundant and Dean put back on the weight he lost, and lost a couple of seconds off his time.
So he went back to not eating much supper. It wasn't about him being fat. He knew he wasn't. He just wanted to get in shape.
He became good at making it look like he was eating. He would cut his food up into small pieces and push it around his plate and only eat a couple of bits. He could claim he was up early and already ate when it came time for breakfast and he'd take a lunch with him when he went out and just ditch it in the woods. At least that was what he thought he was getting away with it.
He should have known he couldn't fool Pastor Jim. He had been confronted several times and denied it but Jim eventually caught him in the act when he followed Dean on a training run. He'd been angry at not being trusted at first but Jim didn't seem mad, just disappointed when Dean admitted the real reason he wasn't eating. Anger would have been easier to deal with since all he did was disappoint the people he cared about.
So did he disappoint Jim or did he disappoint his dad?
He tried to please them both and eat a little more but he just upped his training regime so help burn off the extra calories.
Jim caught him at that too and put him on a tight training and eating schedule. Dean also found himself sitting in a doctor's office being lectured. It was then that he first heard the term Anorexia. He didn't have it but the doctor thought he was headed down a dangerous path.
Dean tried harder, he did but then his dad came home and he lost a couple of seconds and he had to put up with the lecture about him not training hard enough.
So skipping one or two meals and hearing his dad say he was proud of Dean's times and the effort he put into training was worth it right?
------
"Dean, hey Dean, Earth to Dean," a voice cut into his thoughts.
"What do you want?" Dean snapped with more force than he'd intended too.
"I said if you're getting the groceries can you get some Lucky Charms. I ate the last of them yesterday."
"They're too expensive and the is a big box of Corn Flakes that's not even opened.
"Gross. Why can't you buy some things I like?"
"I'll tell you what Sam, when I get paid I'll give you $50 and you can go and do the shopping. "
"It's your responsibility and I hate grocery shopping," Sam whined.
"Then stop bitching about what I buy. "
"But you buy crap," Sam complained.
"I'll make you a bet," Dean suddenly put forward. "I'll give you $50 dollars when I get paid and you go shopping. If you can get everything you want and make sure we have enough for a week I'll give you the $20 for your project. If you can't than you have to do all the house work for a week. "
"Deal," Sam said eagerly. He was way smarter than Dean so how hard can it be. He debated getting the flyers and making a list but his volcano was more important to he started trying to figure out how to make that epic.
----------
At least Mr. Lafitte was back so Dean wasn't going to have to put up with Ms. Best for inclusion. Thank God for that small favor.
"Dean, I had a chance to read over your English essay and I want to say good job. You just have to do go over some grammar and spelling mistakes but it should be ready to hand in Monday. Excellent points about the power death holds over us. I really like how you demonstrated this was an ongoing theme throughout all Poe's work."
"Thanks sir," Dean said with a genuine smile. He didn't often get complements on his school work. He was kind of proud of that essay. He wondered if his dad would like it. Probably not, he decided.
"So now we need to talk about your PSHE project, Ms. Best is concerned that you don't appeared to have started it yet and its due in a week."
"I got the info," Dean said defensively. "Here." He pulled out his note book for Mr. Lafitte to look over.
"You have all the info, but its lacking the personal touch that your English essay did."
Dean looked at him sharply. Did he know? Is that why they gave him this topic.
"Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a Ghost."
"I'm fine," Dean said trying to keep his temper under control. His dad promised.
"Okay, when I say personal touch why not look at it from a guys perspective. I know most only think it effects girls but...."
Fuck, he did know. "He told you," Dean accused. "He promised he wouldn't say a word to anyone," he said in quiet disbelief.
"Dean, are you okay. Tell me what? No one said a word to me."
"About...." he stopped abruptly and looked around to make sure no one could hear him. "Never mind. Can I just go the bathroom. I feel sick."
"Dean, calm down," Benny said. He could recognize the signs of a panic attack. "Go the washroom and splash some water on your face and you can go home for the day but we are going to talk about this tomorrow.
He didn't need to be told twice he just grabbed his back pack and hightailed it out of the room as fast as he could go.
------
He spent the evening wondering how he could get out of going to school tomorrow. He could fake a migraine but then they might want a note. He could somehow manage to really break his leg, but then his father would have to come home and Dean would have failed him again. Maybe his appendix would burst but that again would make him disappoint his dad. Maybe he could just vanish off the face of the Earth. It's not like anyone would really miss him. Sam could stay at Pastor Jim's or Bobby's.
The time in the psych hospital was something Dean did not want to think about but it wouldn't leave him alone. It was the only thing on his mind and no matter what he did, he couldn't distract himself from his memories. He'd been doing so good at burying it. Why the hell was all this coming up now?
His dad for the first time since Dean was 6 and shot the bottles off the fence had said he was proud of his son. So what if he skipped a few meals to get there. So what if he skipped a few more to make his dad even more proud by being stronger and able run faster and jump higher. It was no big deal right?
Except that after a while it had the opposite effect. He started to feel weaker and get slower causing his dad to yell at him for being lazy.
He started losing track of what way was up. Should he eat more or less or did it even matter. He got so turned around he stopped wanting to eat altogether because it seemed he was dammed if he did and damned if he didn't and if he didn't the food would last longer.
So being fat and worried about what he weighted didn't have a damned thing to do with it. Stupid doctors didn't know what they were talking about. He only collapsed at school because he was tired from all the training and not sleeping right, not because he stopped eating. He just needed a nap not the stint in hell that his doctor recommended. He'd get better if people would leave him the fuck alone, but no his traitor father agreed and sent Dean away. He was poked and prodded and analyzed and...
NO!!!! Just fuck no!!!!!
RING RING
That better not be fucking work because if he went in there tonight he was seriously going to be fired for telling everyone off. "Hello," he said tentatively.
"Dean, what the fuck is going on there? Why the hell did I get a call from your teacher?"
Okay, this as so much worse. "Dad, I didn't do anything," Dean said in a rare defense of himself.
"I can believe that," John snapped back. "Is that why I'm getting calls. I told you to keep your nose clean. You're just damned lucky he didn't ask to meet with me because I can't get away."
"I...." How did he explain this? "I had trouble on an assignment. I just...got frustrated with it."
"Excuses. It's stupid school work. Do your best to pass that's all I ask. You can't even do that?"
"I'm not stupid," Dean said defensively.
John sighed loudly. "I never said you were. Now what about the assignment got you so upset."
"My health teacher's a bitch and..."
"DEAN!!!!"
"WHAT? She wanted me to do a project on anorexia, okay. I didn't want to but I did it anyway. I half-assed it. Happy?" Dean had to fight the urge to just hang up on his father, but that would be the equivalent to committing suicide.
John felt some of his anger evaporating. He knew that his son was embarrassed about that time. It was a deal he made with Dean. If Dean cooperated with the doctors he would never mention it to anyone. Not even Pastor Jim knew that Dean spent time in the hospital for it. Blowing off Jim's concerns was something he regretted. Maybe the whole thing could have been avoided. Seeing Dean in the hospital after he had collapsed had scared him. You could count his ribs, he was so thin. The doctor's had showed him pictures and the thought of one of those emaciated bodies potentially being his son was enough for him to agree that Dean needed treatment and more than he could give him. They'd told Sam that Dean was spending time with a buddy of his studying hunting.
"I understand son," John said gently. This was an extremely touchy subject and could set Dean off like nobody's business. "I'm not upset if you just did what was necessary but I still don't understand why I got a call from your teacher?"
"You told," Dean suddenly accused.
He what? He hadn't. It was one promise he actually kept. "I didn't tell anyone?"
"Then how did he know?"
"Who?"
"Mr. Lafitte. He was going over my work and told me to add personal touches and look at it from a guys perspective. Why would he say those things if he didn't know?"
"Dean! Dean, listen to me. You have to calm down son. Take some deep breaths for me." Great he'd been warned that stuff like this could cause Dean to have a setback. He just hoped he wasn't going to have to cut this trip short. He had a lead, and he didn't need to be dealing with teenage crap. "Alright, now I didn't say a word Dean. If you think about it he was probably just making suggestions."
"Sorry dad," Dean said feeling embarrassed. He over reacted as per usual. God, he really was such a screw up.
"Now are you eating?"
"YES!!" Dean exploded again.
"CALM DOWN SOLIDER AND THATS AN ORDER. It's just a question. One I have every right to ask. I'm going to weigh you when I get back."
"I'm not going back." Dean immediately answered. "If you make me I'm just going to run away."
"Are you through? I'm not sending you back there. I never said I was. I just want to make sure your looking after yourself."
"Well I am," Dean said and he decided he didn't care at the moment if he lived or died because he was done talking about this and he just hung up the phone. He didn't even care about his homework. He just went down the hall and went to bed. He really didn't give two fucks that it was only 6pm. Sam could fend for himself.
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Last year
Dean was laying in his hospital bed wondering when his dad was just going to discharge him. He'd been here for a week and no one would leave him alone. They keep bring him food and he kept insisting no one could eat the crap they were trying to feed him. He wasn't allowed in the room alone during meal times after a nurse caught him throwing up after diner one time. She sat with him and insisted he eat even though he wasn't fucking hungry. They threatened him with tubes. His father would tell them where to go with that one. He just wished he'd get on with it already. He was meeting with his doctor to arrange his discharge.
"Ready to get out of here dude," John asked.
"I was ready a week ago. Why did it take so long. I just needed a good nap."
John tried to keep his expression neutral as he helped Dean get dressed. He tired so easily these days. He had no idea if he was doing the right thing or not. All he knew was that he had no idea how to handle this situation. He'd been told that just forcing Dean to eat wouldn't change anything. They had to find the underlying cause. So John agreed to send Dean to a clinic that specialized in eating disorders.
He just hadn't told Dean that yet.
Dean was going to go ballistic when he found out, that was as sure as the sun coming up every morning.
"Dad, can I ask you something?" Dean said seriously when they were in the car.
"What?"
"Does Sam know why I was in the hospital? You just told him I overworked myself right. I'm not anorexic or whatever the hell they were trying to label me with. I'm not some girl. He'll tease me anyway."
"No, I didn't tell him," John said honestly. Okay, part of the reason was that he didn't need to get into it with Sam over him leaving for hunts. The other reason is that Sam often didn't have a filter and said things that Dean took the wrong way, and John did not need him giving Dean a hard time over this, so part of it really was to protect Dean.
"Thanks. Are there any hunts your working on? I feel much better now and I can help."
"I know you can, kiddo," John said sincerely. "You'll be better than your old man some day." He was pleased when Dean smiled.
"I have a few leads. What to get a pizza and go discuss them?" Maybe the doctors were full of shit. Those hopes were quickly dashed when Dean looked a little green and mumbled he wasn't hungry. "I better get back to training so I can be in shape for hunting."
"You heard the doctors. Proper nutrition is a part of that." God, he felt like such a hypocrite. To him proper nutrition was putting tomatoes and lettuce on a hamburger.
"I said I wasn't hungry," Dean insisted. God, didn't anyone ever listen to him. "I'll eat later."
No, unfortunately what he was about to do could not be avoided.
"I can't wait to get out of this place. Please tell me we're moving," Dean requested. He didn't want anyone at school asking too many questions.
"No, we have to stay for a little while," John covered.
"Can I at least not go to back to that crappy school. I can learn so much more working with you."
"No, you don't have to go back there," John said giving a partial truth. "Dean, about..."
"Thanks, Dad. Maybe we could go for a run. I bet I could beat my time by 3 seconds."
"Dean..."
"Where are we going?" He asked suddenly. "The motel is the other way."
Don't ask me that baby, please. I don't know how to answer it. "ah...not staying there," John mumbled still attempting not to completely lie.
"Why did we switch hotels? The last one had a pool and I know that Sam liked that." Great his brother was going to be a little bitch about having nothing to do.
"We didn't exactly..."
"WHERE ARE WE?" Dean demanded when John turned the corner and into the driveway of what looked exactly like a hospital. "Why are we here?"
"Dean, I need you to listen to me," John said gently as he pulled into the parking lot and turned to face his distraught son.
"Why are we back at a hospital? I'm not stupid. I know where we are."
"Dean..."
"No, fuck off. I'm not..."
"Dean?" John inquired when his son stopped in mid sentence and saw that he was staring at the front entrance and the sign over the door.
Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.
"YOU'RE A LYING BASTARD YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!"
"Alright, Dean that's enough. You need help."
"I said I was fine. I don't have a girl disease," he insisted, growing more frantic by the minute.
"Dean..."
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!" Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.
TBC
Author's note: I decided to show Dean's experience in the hospital in detail, because I have always wanted to attempt Dean in a psych ward and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to include it. One of the hardest things about this challenge was finding a believable reason why it would be important for Dean to lose weight, rather than it strictly being a body image issue. Hopefully I found a believable reason that fits with Dean's character. I was also trying to look at the situation from Deans' POV so I hope I didn't upset anyone by referring to it as a "girl disease." I know its anything but.
Anyway, don't forget the feedback. My muse is very insecure and need constant reassurance that the story is being read and people are enjoying it.