So Tired Chapter 8
Title: So Tired
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.
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Author`s Note: First, sorry for the delay. The reasons are two fold. First work has been crazy and second, this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. Trying to cram a two week emotionally traumatic experience for Dean into one chapter was way harder than I though it would be. Way to much for one chapter and I didn`t want to get off the main story for multiple chapters. I must have re-wrote it about 5 times and I`m not sure if I`m happy with it, but probably never will be so decided to post as it.
I had written long detailed therapy sessions but in the end decided that it wasn`t Dean I was writing. Dean would never open up and say some of the stuff I had him saying. The type of program that Dean was in really wouldn`t work for someone like Dean. John`s thoughts at the end of this chapter kind of mirror my own.
While writing this I came up with an idea that would work much better but it was kind of too late to change it. With what I`m planning for the end of this story, my idea would work as a sequel. So I guess I`m wondering if there is anyone that might enjoy reading it?
----
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!" Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.
"Shit, Dean!" John called as he jumped out of the car and ran after his wayward son. Given how easy it was to catch him, it just confirmed to the young father that he was once again making the right decision. Dean needed help but he was still trying to convince himself this was the kind of help Dean needed.
"STOP IT!!!" Dean cried. "LET ME GO!!!"
"Not until you calm down," John said firmly. His son kept trying to pull out of his arms and John felt a little pride that even in his weakened state Dean was putting up a hell of a fight. He had to get it under control before a security guard came out to see what the commotion was about.
"NO!!! GO FU..."
"JAMES DEAN WINCHESTER!!!! YOU WILL CALM YOURSELF DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND THATS AN ORDER!!!!"
As much as he didn't want to give into those words the response was so ingrained into him that it had become involuntary. Dean stilled but he still fixed his dad with a look of such hurt and betrayal that John, once again, had to fight the temptation to just throw Dean in the car and take off.
"Son," John said trying to keep his voice gentle and calm even though inside he was a churning sea of emotions. "It's only for a short while. Just to help you get back on track."
"I don't fucking need this!!! I'm starving, let's just go get a pizza. Dad, please!!!!" Dean begged. He couldn't believe his father was humiliating him like this, betraying him like this, leaving him behind...abandoning him...."I....I....dad...p..pp...le,..."
Even though he didn't think it was possible John's heart shattered even more. Dean looked like he was on the verge of tears and John couldn't remember the last time he's seen his son cry. He once again slammed his heart behind steal reinforced concrete and tried to approach the situation rationally. "Take some deep breaths," John coached. He could also tell that Dean was about to panic. He half carried, half dragged Dean to a bench. He sat him down and forced Dean's head between his knees. He rubbed small circles on Dean's back, remembering this was how Mary used to sooth him when he was upset. Although he doubted the tomato rice soup or him signing Hey Jude would go over well right now.
"Son, listen to me. This isn't a punishment Dean. I'm not mad at you." He was disappointed in himself for putting so much pressure on Dean that his son felt the need to starve himself to meet his father's expectations. He was mad at himself because Jim had warned him this was coming and he blew him off assuming he knew what was best. He was afraid of something happening to his child as he could still remember the chill felt when he saw those emaciated bodies and learned that this disease could be fatal if left untreated. If something ever happened to one of his boys, he couldn't go on. He wouldn't want to. That's what he should have said, but he was a Winchester after all and his pride wouldn't let him admit weakness. So he said the worst thing he could have possibly said. "I'm just disappointed."
Dean recoiled as if he'd been slapped. Everything he did he did for his dad and his brother. He tried so hard and it always felt like he failed. Everything came down to making his father proud. Now his dad was disappointed because he did something stupid. It felt like his dad was abandoning him. No matter what his dad has said, if he was getting his ass dumped here it meant that he didn't want Dean in his sight. "Can we just get this over with," he said as all fight drained out of him.
Shit! John knew his kid and that reaction meant he thought his dad was disappointed in him. He wasn't. "Yeah, this is only for a couple of weeks," John said lamely as he followed his kid toward the doors.
---------------
Dean had gone silent. That was far worse than the fighting and the shouting. It reminded him so much of those dark days after Mary's death when Dean didn't say a word. He was pretty much just an empty shell. He'd been advised to hospitalize Dean than too. He was determined he knew what was best for his child and he used the only thing that worked.
Sam.
He sometimes wondered if that was a mistake, to make Dean so responsible for his brother when he was so young and traumatized himself. It was the only thing that worked, though. The only way to get Dean to actually engage in the world. He seemed to relish the task and it allowed John to be able be free to look for Mary's killer. The way Dean stepped up to the plate was amazing. Looking across that elevator at his first born he realized just how proud he was of the man his son was turning out to be.
When was the last time you told him that? John sighed, just loud enough for Dean to hear. The look that crossed his boy's face clearly indicated that he was thinking his dad was annoyed that he had to deal with a fuck up as a son.
That wasn't true. He knew he needed to set the record straight now matter how much it hurt his pride.
"Dean...I..."
PING
He didn't know if it was fate or coincidence. No sooner had they stepped off the elevator they saw on orderly escorting a female patient down the hall. She looked like a walking skeleton. It looked like flesh just resting on top of bone. She was wearing a restraining belt that kept her hands by her side, which they both guessed was to prevent her from attempting to pull out the feeding tube that they could see protruding from her left nostril. They saw the orderly escort the patient through a locked door that could only open with code entered on the keypad.
John had been planning on saying everything thing he was thinking but all that flew out the window when he had to try and prevent Dean from jumping back into the elevator.
----
This began one of the humiliating days of Dean's life. First, he had a lecture from the unit supervisor, Dr. Marilyn Gold, where he tried to pretend he was paying attention to the rules and what was expected of him. Then he was subjected to a through physical and they checked everything and everywhere. Nothing was left unchecked or unprobed. He was forced to don the blue scrub pants, white t-shirt and shower shoes. Worst of all they made him give up his necklace. He never took that off. Not since the day Sam gave it to him. They said they'd give it to his father for safe keeping.
Now he was sitting in what was to be his room for the next two weeks with his dad, Dr. Gold and a giant mother of a man named Cliff, who was an orderly while a nurse named Meg went through and cataloged the contents of his duffle.
Being on the road and living in hotel rooms you didn't get much, if any, privacy but all their duffel bags were the exception. No one touched the others. Now, all his private possessions were going to be on full display. In front of his dad, including....fuck!
"One copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest," Meg announced after she's gone through all this t-shirts, shirts, socks, jeans and underwear. "One copy of Lord of the Rings trilogy. One wooden box. " The nurse gave it a shake and when it rattled Dean knew what was coming next. He didn't care so much about the box. He'd made it in shop class in junior high. It was a simple box with the AC/DC logo carved into the top. One of the few A's he'd ever gotten. No it was what was inside that Dean was more concerned with. It was his private stuff, damnit. They had no right to put it on display like that. When the nurse started for the clasp he reacted on instinct and grabbed the box right out of the hands of the surprised nurse.
"There's nothing important in there," Dean replied and he held the box close to his chest.
"DEAN!" John replied in a warning tone. He'd seen the box at various times and he had a vague idea of what was in it. He and Sam had one too. Made by Dean in his shop class. His had the boys birth certificates, a few keepsakes and a few pictures. He figured both his boys had pretty much the same thing.
"There is nothing in here that I need to give you."
"Son, this is a rule. We have to go through everything," Cliff said holding out his hand. Dean just pulled the box tighter to him. Why wouldn't they all just fuck off and leave him alone? There were things in this box that he didn't want his dad to see and things he didn't want sitting in some storage locker.
"I'll give you what you want," Dean said in a resigned tone. He opened the box and fished out a swiss army knife and handed it over. "There's nothing else in there that should be against the rules," Dean pleaded hoping if he compromised they wouldn't have to look through it.
"We either need to catalog everything or you can give the box to your dad to take home."
"I promise I won't look through it, Dean," John offered as he held out his hand for the box.
"No. I....there are some things in here that I want to keep with me," Dean answered.
"We can't let you keep the box itself," Dr. Gold explained. "The edges are too sharp.
"But..."
Knowing the more they insisted the more Dean would get belligerent and dig his heals in. "I'll tell you what. I'll leave," John offered. He could give Dean that.
"Is that okay?" Dr. Gold asked.
"I guess," Dean said reluctantly as he handed over his box.
"Hopefully it's not a skin mag," Cliff quipped hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't work, Dean just scowled deeper. He could care less if his dad caught him with porn. No, what was in there was something that his dad would blow a gasket over if he knew that Dean had even thought about it.
He sat stiffly trying to attempt to snatch the box again as the nurse went through his most intimate possessions. It left Dean feeling more violated than the physical exam as the nurse, with no emotions, cataloged photos of his mom, brother and father. There was the half burned, half melted rosary that belonged to his mother. He'd found it in the house after the fire when his dad had dragged him back there. It had been intense and had destroyed almost everything. He knew it was kind of creepy but it was the only thing left of his mom. There were a few letters that Jim had sent him from Costa Rica, plus the silver bullet that Caleb had turned into a key chain. The werewolf had been Dean's first kill. His father had received a purple heart in 'Nam and he'd given it to his son after Dean's head injury. His first really serious hunting injury.
Then there was the object that he didn't want his dad to see. The brochures from CalTech and MIT. His teacher bought it up after he won a science fair. He'd turned an old walkman into an EMF. He wasn't seriously considering it, he didn't have the grades, and he didn't want to spend four more years in school and he'd never leave his family. Although he'd be lying if he said the idea didn't have some appeal. He'd really enjoyed tinkering and experimenting with things and he would like to learn how to make more thing-a-ma-jigs. His father would take it the wrong way though. He'd never understand.
"You can keep the pictures, letters and the brochures but the rest has to either go with your dad or be locked up."
"Give it to my dad," Dean replied. "Can you give him my necklace too? I don't want it to get lost."
------------
After saying goodbye to his father, Dean took in his surroundings wishing he knew how he got himself in this mess. It looked like every typical hospital room he'd ever been in. At least it had a window as he disliked being confined in tight spaces. He just wished he didn't have a roommate. After putting his few things away, he sat on his bed and wondered what to do with himself. The desire to meet his fellow inmates was nonexistent so the common area was out. Maybe there was a way to sneak out. There was a key pad but he figured that shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Dad might be mad but he'd get a hunt and get over it. More importantly would his dad be at the motel? Had he left?
He had to get off this train of thought before he worked himself into a panic attack. So he pulled out Lord of the Rings and immersed himself in the land of hobbits, dwarfs, and elves until dinner time.
---
It was no surprise that Dean found himself sleeping in restraints and given sleeping pills by the end of the first week. Worries over whether his dad would come back for him, feeling pressure to eat when he wasn't hungry, being forced to talk about his private thoughts to a group of strangers and doctors were causing nightmares. One of the orderlies had attempted to awaken him and half asleep and not quite knowing where he was he'd taken a swing at the orderly. He also took a swing at the doctor when they tried to drug him.
He was miserable and they were know threatening him with a feeding tube since he was barely eating. They should all just fuck off about that. He wasn't eating because they wouldn't just leave him alone. The more they tried to force him, the more he felt his appetite disappearing.
He just wanted to see his dad and his brother. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was. The more he asked the more they told him no. He attempted use the phone at the nurses station but he'd been caught and forced to hang up before his dad could pick up. It started to weigh on his mind if his dad was even there. He'd had a panic attack after that and they stuck him on clonazepam and doubled his meetings with his psychiatrist so he met with him twice a day instead. That killed the little appetite he'd had left. They made good on their threat of a feeding tube. When he pulled it out twice they stuck the restraining belt on him.
All in all he it was the worst time of his life. Considering some of the things he'd experienced that was saying something. The minutes were like hours and he didn't think his stint in hell was ever going to end.
The therapy sessions were by far the worst. Dr. Cooper seemed to be able to make him talk about stuff he didn't want to talk about. After what felt like two years Dean found himself sitting in Dr. Copper's office for his final session. He was going home tomorrow. Now he just had to make it through this appointment without saying or doing something stupid.
----
Sitting still and doing nothing was not in Dean Winchester's skill set. So when his doctor was late he tried to stay in his seat but he quickly got bored so he got up and started looking around at the bookshelves. He found a copy of The Lord of the Rings. Stupid doctor got Dean to admit that he sometimes felt like Samwise with the way he was expected to make looking after Sam his priority. He loved his brother but there were times when he wished he could have a little more freedom. There was a copy of the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. He never finished it because he found it boring but he did like the concept of psychohistory and predicting the future through math. That lead to a conversation about a future he could never have. Dr. Cooper had brought up his grades and the MIT and CalTech brochures and they argued about whether Dean was smart enough to attend. Dean disagreed. He saw an unsolved Rubik's cube and if his hands weren't stuck to his side he probably would have solved it. He got a kick out of the fact that it seemed to be the one thing he figured out that Sam couldn't.
"Sorry I'm late, Dean," Dr. Cooper said as he entered the office. "Is there any book you want to borrow?"
Alarm bells instantly went off in Dean's head. "I'm leaving tomorrow," he reminded the doctor.
"The books are there for my patients. I'm not too worried if I get it back."
"I'll pass. Let's just get this done. I have to pack. Can I get this thing out?" he asked indicating the feeding tube. He didn't want his dad to see it or Sam.
"Maybe tomorrow after we speak to your dad. I'd rather you keep it in. You're still not eating as much as we'd like. I don't want you to lose the weight you put back on."
"I'd eat more if you would all...."
"Leave you the fuck alone," Dr. Cooper finished. "It's been my experience that most people in your situation..."
"I'm not most people!" Dean said in frustration.
"Alright Dean lets calms down and talk about this..."
"There is nothing to talk about!" Dean insisted. "Can I just go back to my cell?"
"You're not in jail."
"Sure feels like it," Dean said indicating his restraints.
"I'll make you a deal," Dr. Cooper offered. He found out that he was much more likely to get cooperation from Dean if he offered something in return. "I'll take the belt off if you promise to leave the tube alone. One move toward it though and the belt goes back on."
"Deal," Dean said quickly.
The doctor released the straps and he could tell Dean was fighting to keep his half of the bargain. He knew it was only a matter of time before he gave in so he decided to keep Dean occupied. "Here, try to solve this," he said handing him the Rubik's cube.
Dean scoffed. He knew exactly what was happening. That still didn't stop him from solving the cube in under 8 minutes.
"How did you do that?"
"It's easy," Dean shrugged.
"Can you show me? I've never been able to figure the damn thing out."
"Pick a color."
"Red."
"This is a cube. The top, bottom, and sides move the middle cube never does. So that tells you what side you have to solve red on."
"I can get one side but that's all," Dr. Cooper admitted.
"It's best to start with a cross. But you have to line up the colors. You can't just have any red."
"I'm not sure what you mean?"
"Like I said, the middle cube doesn't change. See how this middle is red and this one green. You have to find the red and green cube and line it up." Dean demonstrated and several twists and turns later the cube was solved.
"I never would have figured that out. That tells me..."
"Don't!" Dean cut him off. He was not having this argument again. "Are we done?"
"You know the answer. I saw you reading To Kill a Mockingbird. How did you like it."
"It's okay. Not my usual tastes though," Dean said tentatively. He knew that the doctor was trying trick him.
"Whose you're favorite character?"
"Atticus," Dean replied. That seemed harmless. He wasn't getting tricked again.
"Why?"
"Because of who he was. He helped Tom even though he knew it was an impossible task he still tried to do the best he could. He never gave up."
"That's important to you?"
"Yeah. My Dad's like that. He'll do what he can. He's not a lawyer or anything but he still tries to help in any way he can." Crap. He did it again. He decided he'd better change the subject before the doctor could bring up his dad. He didn't want to give the doctor a reason to call social services. "Scout reminds me so much of my brother Sammy. The part where she goes to school and the teacher is surprised to find out she already knows how to read. My brothers like that. He's super smart. Way smarter than me." Shit.
As much as Dr. Cooper wanted to pursue this topic, that Dean felt he was never good enough, he decided to try a different tactic. Push and Dean would clam up fast. "What about you?" He asked. "Are you Jem. Scout's big brother."
“No, I think Boo Radley better describes me.”
“Why would you say that?” Dr. Cooper questioned. He was not expecting Dean’s answer and he was really surprised at the words that followed his question.
“Because he’s just kind of there. Because of who he is everyone thinks he’s the bad guy and that he’s gonna screw up or hurt someone. It’s what I do. I disappoint everyone.”
“But Boo was a hero in the end,” Dr. Cooper reminded Dean.
“Yeah, but no one would ever give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though he never did anything to anyone.”
“You made some mistakes, Dean. There is no denying that but, like Boo you can prove you’re actually not what people think you are.”
“What’s that?” Dean said bitterly. “A screw up who breaks everything he touches. My dad counts on me and I let him down. My little brother is way smarter than me and I let him down because I’m supposed to be there for him, but I'm here.
“Dean…”
“No!” Dean snapped cursing himself silently for losing his focus and spilling all that. He hadn’t meant to. “Can I go back to my cell, please?” He hated himself even more for begging.
“Alright, but I want to revisit this topic in our next session."
“What?” Dean exploded. "I'm going home. There is no next session."
After hitting the button to get the orderly because he knew that Dean was going to explode at what he was going to say next. "I was going to wait and discuss this with your father but I don't think you're ready. I'm going to recommend that we transfer you over to long term care.
-----------
John Winchester was on his way to Hillside for a meeting with Dean's treatment team. They had been keeping him apprised of everything going on and he knew that things hadn't gone well at all. Feeding tubes, restraints, pills, refusal to cooperate, trying to sneak out, and breaking rules. He wasn't surprised. Dean only obeyed those whose authority he respected.
There were several times John wanted to pull Dean out of treatment but allowed himself to be talked out of it. Dean needed help. There was no doubt about it but he wondered if this was the right kind. He wondered if he had made a giant mistake and actually made Dean worse. He just knew that he was not leaving his son here.
When he saw his boy he was finally sure he made the right choice. Dean's explosion at finding out they were recommending an extended confinement had been intense. He's given his doctor and the orderly a black eye and had spent the night in a drugged sleep. He looked like he'd lost weight. He was so pale he looked like a ghost. Worst were his eyes. They were glassy from the effect of the medication but they were also so lifeless, like he was giving up.
He sat there and listened to them trying to convince him that they only had Dean's best interests at heart. John was sure they thought they did but they didn't know his boy. He was one of a kind. Standard treatment plans wouldn't work. He was berating himself for not listening to his instincts from the beginning. Every time he believed he was doing the right thing he realized that he had convinced himself because this was the easy answer.
He agreed to bring Dean in for therapy once a day and a check up once a week. He agreed to the medication and the sleeping pills and to leaving the feeding tube in, but he insisted he was bringing his son home.
When they got into the car, John rolled down the window and threw Dean's pill bottles out. The first spark of life returned to Dean's eyes. "Hunt in Wyoming. Chupacabra I think. We better get a head start tonight. Won't be making it to therapy tomorrow." Dean grinned. "You'll need your strength, though. Plus, I doubt you'll want to explain that tube to Sam, so rip it out."
Dean laughed for the first time in weeks and pulled the tube out of his nose and threw it out the window. He was not impressed when his dad pulled into Wendy's but he figured if his dad was giving him the benefit of the doubt he could at least try.
It wasn't easy and it was slow but he managed to build his strength back up and if he showed signs of a relapse his dad would mention Hillside and Dean would try to get back on track.
------
Present Day
Shaking his head out of his memories, Dean shoved his books away from him. He got up and forced himself to eat an apple. No way he was ever repeating that experience. He'd rather spend time he hell. It couldn't be worse than the Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.
Author: Crowley_Gal
Characters: Dean, Sam, John. Some names you may recognize but AU, for example Benny is Dean's math teacher.
Genre/pairing: Gen
Rating: Teen for swearing
Word-count: ?
Spoilers: none really
Warnings: Dean likes to swear. Mentions anorexia. May be triggery
Summary: The boys settle down for an extended period while John's away on hunt. It might be all fun and games for Sam but Dean's having a hell of a time trying to keep everything together.
Disclaimer : I don't own anything and I'm not making any money from this.
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Author`s Note: First, sorry for the delay. The reasons are two fold. First work has been crazy and second, this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. Trying to cram a two week emotionally traumatic experience for Dean into one chapter was way harder than I though it would be. Way to much for one chapter and I didn`t want to get off the main story for multiple chapters. I must have re-wrote it about 5 times and I`m not sure if I`m happy with it, but probably never will be so decided to post as it.
I had written long detailed therapy sessions but in the end decided that it wasn`t Dean I was writing. Dean would never open up and say some of the stuff I had him saying. The type of program that Dean was in really wouldn`t work for someone like Dean. John`s thoughts at the end of this chapter kind of mirror my own.
While writing this I came up with an idea that would work much better but it was kind of too late to change it. With what I`m planning for the end of this story, my idea would work as a sequel. So I guess I`m wondering if there is anyone that might enjoy reading it?
----
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!" Dean cried as he shook his father's hand off his shoulder and opened the car door and bolted.
"Shit, Dean!" John called as he jumped out of the car and ran after his wayward son. Given how easy it was to catch him, it just confirmed to the young father that he was once again making the right decision. Dean needed help but he was still trying to convince himself this was the kind of help Dean needed.
"STOP IT!!!" Dean cried. "LET ME GO!!!"
"Not until you calm down," John said firmly. His son kept trying to pull out of his arms and John felt a little pride that even in his weakened state Dean was putting up a hell of a fight. He had to get it under control before a security guard came out to see what the commotion was about.
"NO!!! GO FU..."
"JAMES DEAN WINCHESTER!!!! YOU WILL CALM YOURSELF DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND THATS AN ORDER!!!!"
As much as he didn't want to give into those words the response was so ingrained into him that it had become involuntary. Dean stilled but he still fixed his dad with a look of such hurt and betrayal that John, once again, had to fight the temptation to just throw Dean in the car and take off.
"Son," John said trying to keep his voice gentle and calm even though inside he was a churning sea of emotions. "It's only for a short while. Just to help you get back on track."
"I don't fucking need this!!! I'm starving, let's just go get a pizza. Dad, please!!!!" Dean begged. He couldn't believe his father was humiliating him like this, betraying him like this, leaving him behind...abandoning him...."I....I....dad...p..pp...le,..."
Even though he didn't think it was possible John's heart shattered even more. Dean looked like he was on the verge of tears and John couldn't remember the last time he's seen his son cry. He once again slammed his heart behind steal reinforced concrete and tried to approach the situation rationally. "Take some deep breaths," John coached. He could also tell that Dean was about to panic. He half carried, half dragged Dean to a bench. He sat him down and forced Dean's head between his knees. He rubbed small circles on Dean's back, remembering this was how Mary used to sooth him when he was upset. Although he doubted the tomato rice soup or him signing Hey Jude would go over well right now.
"Son, listen to me. This isn't a punishment Dean. I'm not mad at you." He was disappointed in himself for putting so much pressure on Dean that his son felt the need to starve himself to meet his father's expectations. He was mad at himself because Jim had warned him this was coming and he blew him off assuming he knew what was best. He was afraid of something happening to his child as he could still remember the chill felt when he saw those emaciated bodies and learned that this disease could be fatal if left untreated. If something ever happened to one of his boys, he couldn't go on. He wouldn't want to. That's what he should have said, but he was a Winchester after all and his pride wouldn't let him admit weakness. So he said the worst thing he could have possibly said. "I'm just disappointed."
Dean recoiled as if he'd been slapped. Everything he did he did for his dad and his brother. He tried so hard and it always felt like he failed. Everything came down to making his father proud. Now his dad was disappointed because he did something stupid. It felt like his dad was abandoning him. No matter what his dad has said, if he was getting his ass dumped here it meant that he didn't want Dean in his sight. "Can we just get this over with," he said as all fight drained out of him.
Shit! John knew his kid and that reaction meant he thought his dad was disappointed in him. He wasn't. "Yeah, this is only for a couple of weeks," John said lamely as he followed his kid toward the doors.
---------------
Dean had gone silent. That was far worse than the fighting and the shouting. It reminded him so much of those dark days after Mary's death when Dean didn't say a word. He was pretty much just an empty shell. He'd been advised to hospitalize Dean than too. He was determined he knew what was best for his child and he used the only thing that worked.
Sam.
He sometimes wondered if that was a mistake, to make Dean so responsible for his brother when he was so young and traumatized himself. It was the only thing that worked, though. The only way to get Dean to actually engage in the world. He seemed to relish the task and it allowed John to be able be free to look for Mary's killer. The way Dean stepped up to the plate was amazing. Looking across that elevator at his first born he realized just how proud he was of the man his son was turning out to be.
When was the last time you told him that? John sighed, just loud enough for Dean to hear. The look that crossed his boy's face clearly indicated that he was thinking his dad was annoyed that he had to deal with a fuck up as a son.
That wasn't true. He knew he needed to set the record straight now matter how much it hurt his pride.
"Dean...I..."
PING
He didn't know if it was fate or coincidence. No sooner had they stepped off the elevator they saw on orderly escorting a female patient down the hall. She looked like a walking skeleton. It looked like flesh just resting on top of bone. She was wearing a restraining belt that kept her hands by her side, which they both guessed was to prevent her from attempting to pull out the feeding tube that they could see protruding from her left nostril. They saw the orderly escort the patient through a locked door that could only open with code entered on the keypad.
John had been planning on saying everything thing he was thinking but all that flew out the window when he had to try and prevent Dean from jumping back into the elevator.
----
This began one of the humiliating days of Dean's life. First, he had a lecture from the unit supervisor, Dr. Marilyn Gold, where he tried to pretend he was paying attention to the rules and what was expected of him. Then he was subjected to a through physical and they checked everything and everywhere. Nothing was left unchecked or unprobed. He was forced to don the blue scrub pants, white t-shirt and shower shoes. Worst of all they made him give up his necklace. He never took that off. Not since the day Sam gave it to him. They said they'd give it to his father for safe keeping.
Now he was sitting in what was to be his room for the next two weeks with his dad, Dr. Gold and a giant mother of a man named Cliff, who was an orderly while a nurse named Meg went through and cataloged the contents of his duffle.
Being on the road and living in hotel rooms you didn't get much, if any, privacy but all their duffel bags were the exception. No one touched the others. Now, all his private possessions were going to be on full display. In front of his dad, including....fuck!
"One copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest," Meg announced after she's gone through all this t-shirts, shirts, socks, jeans and underwear. "One copy of Lord of the Rings trilogy. One wooden box. " The nurse gave it a shake and when it rattled Dean knew what was coming next. He didn't care so much about the box. He'd made it in shop class in junior high. It was a simple box with the AC/DC logo carved into the top. One of the few A's he'd ever gotten. No it was what was inside that Dean was more concerned with. It was his private stuff, damnit. They had no right to put it on display like that. When the nurse started for the clasp he reacted on instinct and grabbed the box right out of the hands of the surprised nurse.
"There's nothing important in there," Dean replied and he held the box close to his chest.
"DEAN!" John replied in a warning tone. He'd seen the box at various times and he had a vague idea of what was in it. He and Sam had one too. Made by Dean in his shop class. His had the boys birth certificates, a few keepsakes and a few pictures. He figured both his boys had pretty much the same thing.
"There is nothing in here that I need to give you."
"Son, this is a rule. We have to go through everything," Cliff said holding out his hand. Dean just pulled the box tighter to him. Why wouldn't they all just fuck off and leave him alone? There were things in this box that he didn't want his dad to see and things he didn't want sitting in some storage locker.
"I'll give you what you want," Dean said in a resigned tone. He opened the box and fished out a swiss army knife and handed it over. "There's nothing else in there that should be against the rules," Dean pleaded hoping if he compromised they wouldn't have to look through it.
"We either need to catalog everything or you can give the box to your dad to take home."
"I promise I won't look through it, Dean," John offered as he held out his hand for the box.
"No. I....there are some things in here that I want to keep with me," Dean answered.
"We can't let you keep the box itself," Dr. Gold explained. "The edges are too sharp.
"But..."
Knowing the more they insisted the more Dean would get belligerent and dig his heals in. "I'll tell you what. I'll leave," John offered. He could give Dean that.
"Is that okay?" Dr. Gold asked.
"I guess," Dean said reluctantly as he handed over his box.
"Hopefully it's not a skin mag," Cliff quipped hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't work, Dean just scowled deeper. He could care less if his dad caught him with porn. No, what was in there was something that his dad would blow a gasket over if he knew that Dean had even thought about it.
He sat stiffly trying to attempt to snatch the box again as the nurse went through his most intimate possessions. It left Dean feeling more violated than the physical exam as the nurse, with no emotions, cataloged photos of his mom, brother and father. There was the half burned, half melted rosary that belonged to his mother. He'd found it in the house after the fire when his dad had dragged him back there. It had been intense and had destroyed almost everything. He knew it was kind of creepy but it was the only thing left of his mom. There were a few letters that Jim had sent him from Costa Rica, plus the silver bullet that Caleb had turned into a key chain. The werewolf had been Dean's first kill. His father had received a purple heart in 'Nam and he'd given it to his son after Dean's head injury. His first really serious hunting injury.
Then there was the object that he didn't want his dad to see. The brochures from CalTech and MIT. His teacher bought it up after he won a science fair. He'd turned an old walkman into an EMF. He wasn't seriously considering it, he didn't have the grades, and he didn't want to spend four more years in school and he'd never leave his family. Although he'd be lying if he said the idea didn't have some appeal. He'd really enjoyed tinkering and experimenting with things and he would like to learn how to make more thing-a-ma-jigs. His father would take it the wrong way though. He'd never understand.
"You can keep the pictures, letters and the brochures but the rest has to either go with your dad or be locked up."
"Give it to my dad," Dean replied. "Can you give him my necklace too? I don't want it to get lost."
------------
After saying goodbye to his father, Dean took in his surroundings wishing he knew how he got himself in this mess. It looked like every typical hospital room he'd ever been in. At least it had a window as he disliked being confined in tight spaces. He just wished he didn't have a roommate. After putting his few things away, he sat on his bed and wondered what to do with himself. The desire to meet his fellow inmates was nonexistent so the common area was out. Maybe there was a way to sneak out. There was a key pad but he figured that shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Dad might be mad but he'd get a hunt and get over it. More importantly would his dad be at the motel? Had he left?
He had to get off this train of thought before he worked himself into a panic attack. So he pulled out Lord of the Rings and immersed himself in the land of hobbits, dwarfs, and elves until dinner time.
---
It was no surprise that Dean found himself sleeping in restraints and given sleeping pills by the end of the first week. Worries over whether his dad would come back for him, feeling pressure to eat when he wasn't hungry, being forced to talk about his private thoughts to a group of strangers and doctors were causing nightmares. One of the orderlies had attempted to awaken him and half asleep and not quite knowing where he was he'd taken a swing at the orderly. He also took a swing at the doctor when they tried to drug him.
He was miserable and they were know threatening him with a feeding tube since he was barely eating. They should all just fuck off about that. He wasn't eating because they wouldn't just leave him alone. The more they tried to force him, the more he felt his appetite disappearing.
He just wanted to see his dad and his brother. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was. The more he asked the more they told him no. He attempted use the phone at the nurses station but he'd been caught and forced to hang up before his dad could pick up. It started to weigh on his mind if his dad was even there. He'd had a panic attack after that and they stuck him on clonazepam and doubled his meetings with his psychiatrist so he met with him twice a day instead. That killed the little appetite he'd had left. They made good on their threat of a feeding tube. When he pulled it out twice they stuck the restraining belt on him.
All in all he it was the worst time of his life. Considering some of the things he'd experienced that was saying something. The minutes were like hours and he didn't think his stint in hell was ever going to end.
The therapy sessions were by far the worst. Dr. Cooper seemed to be able to make him talk about stuff he didn't want to talk about. After what felt like two years Dean found himself sitting in Dr. Copper's office for his final session. He was going home tomorrow. Now he just had to make it through this appointment without saying or doing something stupid.
----
Sitting still and doing nothing was not in Dean Winchester's skill set. So when his doctor was late he tried to stay in his seat but he quickly got bored so he got up and started looking around at the bookshelves. He found a copy of The Lord of the Rings. Stupid doctor got Dean to admit that he sometimes felt like Samwise with the way he was expected to make looking after Sam his priority. He loved his brother but there were times when he wished he could have a little more freedom. There was a copy of the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov. He never finished it because he found it boring but he did like the concept of psychohistory and predicting the future through math. That lead to a conversation about a future he could never have. Dr. Cooper had brought up his grades and the MIT and CalTech brochures and they argued about whether Dean was smart enough to attend. Dean disagreed. He saw an unsolved Rubik's cube and if his hands weren't stuck to his side he probably would have solved it. He got a kick out of the fact that it seemed to be the one thing he figured out that Sam couldn't.
"Sorry I'm late, Dean," Dr. Cooper said as he entered the office. "Is there any book you want to borrow?"
Alarm bells instantly went off in Dean's head. "I'm leaving tomorrow," he reminded the doctor.
"The books are there for my patients. I'm not too worried if I get it back."
"I'll pass. Let's just get this done. I have to pack. Can I get this thing out?" he asked indicating the feeding tube. He didn't want his dad to see it or Sam.
"Maybe tomorrow after we speak to your dad. I'd rather you keep it in. You're still not eating as much as we'd like. I don't want you to lose the weight you put back on."
"I'd eat more if you would all...."
"Leave you the fuck alone," Dr. Cooper finished. "It's been my experience that most people in your situation..."
"I'm not most people!" Dean said in frustration.
"Alright Dean lets calms down and talk about this..."
"There is nothing to talk about!" Dean insisted. "Can I just go back to my cell?"
"You're not in jail."
"Sure feels like it," Dean said indicating his restraints.
"I'll make you a deal," Dr. Cooper offered. He found out that he was much more likely to get cooperation from Dean if he offered something in return. "I'll take the belt off if you promise to leave the tube alone. One move toward it though and the belt goes back on."
"Deal," Dean said quickly.
The doctor released the straps and he could tell Dean was fighting to keep his half of the bargain. He knew it was only a matter of time before he gave in so he decided to keep Dean occupied. "Here, try to solve this," he said handing him the Rubik's cube.
Dean scoffed. He knew exactly what was happening. That still didn't stop him from solving the cube in under 8 minutes.
"How did you do that?"
"It's easy," Dean shrugged.
"Can you show me? I've never been able to figure the damn thing out."
"Pick a color."
"Red."
"This is a cube. The top, bottom, and sides move the middle cube never does. So that tells you what side you have to solve red on."
"I can get one side but that's all," Dr. Cooper admitted.
"It's best to start with a cross. But you have to line up the colors. You can't just have any red."
"I'm not sure what you mean?"
"Like I said, the middle cube doesn't change. See how this middle is red and this one green. You have to find the red and green cube and line it up." Dean demonstrated and several twists and turns later the cube was solved.
"I never would have figured that out. That tells me..."
"Don't!" Dean cut him off. He was not having this argument again. "Are we done?"
"You know the answer. I saw you reading To Kill a Mockingbird. How did you like it."
"It's okay. Not my usual tastes though," Dean said tentatively. He knew that the doctor was trying trick him.
"Whose you're favorite character?"
"Atticus," Dean replied. That seemed harmless. He wasn't getting tricked again.
"Why?"
"Because of who he was. He helped Tom even though he knew it was an impossible task he still tried to do the best he could. He never gave up."
"That's important to you?"
"Yeah. My Dad's like that. He'll do what he can. He's not a lawyer or anything but he still tries to help in any way he can." Crap. He did it again. He decided he'd better change the subject before the doctor could bring up his dad. He didn't want to give the doctor a reason to call social services. "Scout reminds me so much of my brother Sammy. The part where she goes to school and the teacher is surprised to find out she already knows how to read. My brothers like that. He's super smart. Way smarter than me." Shit.
As much as Dr. Cooper wanted to pursue this topic, that Dean felt he was never good enough, he decided to try a different tactic. Push and Dean would clam up fast. "What about you?" He asked. "Are you Jem. Scout's big brother."
“No, I think Boo Radley better describes me.”
“Why would you say that?” Dr. Cooper questioned. He was not expecting Dean’s answer and he was really surprised at the words that followed his question.
“Because he’s just kind of there. Because of who he is everyone thinks he’s the bad guy and that he’s gonna screw up or hurt someone. It’s what I do. I disappoint everyone.”
“But Boo was a hero in the end,” Dr. Cooper reminded Dean.
“Yeah, but no one would ever give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though he never did anything to anyone.”
“You made some mistakes, Dean. There is no denying that but, like Boo you can prove you’re actually not what people think you are.”
“What’s that?” Dean said bitterly. “A screw up who breaks everything he touches. My dad counts on me and I let him down. My little brother is way smarter than me and I let him down because I’m supposed to be there for him, but I'm here.
“Dean…”
“No!” Dean snapped cursing himself silently for losing his focus and spilling all that. He hadn’t meant to. “Can I go back to my cell, please?” He hated himself even more for begging.
“Alright, but I want to revisit this topic in our next session."
“What?” Dean exploded. "I'm going home. There is no next session."
After hitting the button to get the orderly because he knew that Dean was going to explode at what he was going to say next. "I was going to wait and discuss this with your father but I don't think you're ready. I'm going to recommend that we transfer you over to long term care.
-----------
John Winchester was on his way to Hillside for a meeting with Dean's treatment team. They had been keeping him apprised of everything going on and he knew that things hadn't gone well at all. Feeding tubes, restraints, pills, refusal to cooperate, trying to sneak out, and breaking rules. He wasn't surprised. Dean only obeyed those whose authority he respected.
There were several times John wanted to pull Dean out of treatment but allowed himself to be talked out of it. Dean needed help. There was no doubt about it but he wondered if this was the right kind. He wondered if he had made a giant mistake and actually made Dean worse. He just knew that he was not leaving his son here.
When he saw his boy he was finally sure he made the right choice. Dean's explosion at finding out they were recommending an extended confinement had been intense. He's given his doctor and the orderly a black eye and had spent the night in a drugged sleep. He looked like he'd lost weight. He was so pale he looked like a ghost. Worst were his eyes. They were glassy from the effect of the medication but they were also so lifeless, like he was giving up.
He sat there and listened to them trying to convince him that they only had Dean's best interests at heart. John was sure they thought they did but they didn't know his boy. He was one of a kind. Standard treatment plans wouldn't work. He was berating himself for not listening to his instincts from the beginning. Every time he believed he was doing the right thing he realized that he had convinced himself because this was the easy answer.
He agreed to bring Dean in for therapy once a day and a check up once a week. He agreed to the medication and the sleeping pills and to leaving the feeding tube in, but he insisted he was bringing his son home.
When they got into the car, John rolled down the window and threw Dean's pill bottles out. The first spark of life returned to Dean's eyes. "Hunt in Wyoming. Chupacabra I think. We better get a head start tonight. Won't be making it to therapy tomorrow." Dean grinned. "You'll need your strength, though. Plus, I doubt you'll want to explain that tube to Sam, so rip it out."
Dean laughed for the first time in weeks and pulled the tube out of his nose and threw it out the window. He was not impressed when his dad pulled into Wendy's but he figured if his dad was giving him the benefit of the doubt he could at least try.
It wasn't easy and it was slow but he managed to build his strength back up and if he showed signs of a relapse his dad would mention Hillside and Dean would try to get back on track.
------
Present Day
Shaking his head out of his memories, Dean shoved his books away from him. He got up and forced himself to eat an apple. No way he was ever repeating that experience. He'd rather spend time he hell. It couldn't be worse than the Hillside Youth Psychiatric Hospital.