second draft

[crispy47]

So the other day I once again found myself in Mr Donut, sitting near this girl with a truly great body.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I just say "a truly great body"? I meant "a truly great amount of body odorAnyway

Comments

[crispy47]

Thanks. I had originally intended this as just one of those short just-for-fun wouldn't-be-interesting-if things, but since you and Robert gave me those comments I felt like I should at least use them.

I don't think I like the very end as much in this one, though. I mean just mechanically, it doesn't seem to work as well. At least for me.

[milkweeds00]

I agree with Natalie, much better, especially the part where he's too paralyzed to call the woman. That's a great summation of all the other elements of the story

[crispy47]

Hey, thanks for the continuing advice. This wasn't something I was planning to revise a lot, but I think I will now, just because you and Natalie put so much work into it.

The end is residual from the first draft, and I think it made more sense with the 9/11 stuff. Now it just feels kind of flat.

I don't know if there's a moral of the story. I wasn't thinking of one when I wrote it down, anyway.

I have a feeling that you're not reading the end the way I hoped, even in a factual sort of sense. Would you mind spelling out for me what you think happens in the end so I can see how far off I am?

[milkweeds00]

Heya.

So I'm confused by what "He knew he would remain sitting here for a very long time, until that sky sent him down as well," means... is he contemplating suicide? How does that tie in with his predictions? I don't really get why he goes up to the top of the building at all.

But I think I get what happens with the woman in the cafe. He knows that if he looks at her she will die when the i-beam crashes outside. And then without remorse he looks at her, and she does die, along with a lot of other people. That isn't made out clearly, though, whether she does indeed die or not, but the implication is she does.

It's also implied that he doesn't care that his looking at her causes her to die, which seems inappropriately cruel to me. I don't like the character suddenly, if he doesn't care that he is causing the woman's death in a weird way.

[crispy47]

Hey, sorry it took me so long to thank you for this comment. I've been out of town.

Anyway, I'll redo the ending and hopefully it will be a lot more clear. I probably cut out too much exposition in the name of conciseness.