Doing It Right (16/19)
Title: Doing It Right, Chapter 16: Just Want Someone to Want Me, Part 1
Author: creedogv
Rating: T
Summary: Santana has been given the opportunity to correct her past mistakes with Brittany, so she can’t help but take it. It’s Artie last chance to win over Brittany, and the club holds another round of auditions.
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Word Count: ~3100/7500
Spoilers: 2x13 “Comeback”
Disclaimer: I hate disclaimers. But I wanted to disclaim, okay, yeah, I don’t own Glee or anything. But I do own the funny ideas and plot points, especially those which the show steals from me. Doesn’t being a Glee fanfiction writer make you want to write a Glee original novel? Just me?
Author’s Note: The working title for this chapter was “Baby, Come Back”, a name which I simultaneously hated for being so dumb and loved for being so funny. Also, I broke this into two parts because I'm afraid LJ will freak if I keep trying to put 8000-word entries up.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15
My friends say I’m a fool to think that you’re the one for me
I guess I’m just a sucker for love
‘Cause honestly the truth is that you know I’m never leavin’
‘Cause you’re my angel sent from above
Baby, you can do no wrong
My money is yours, give you a little more because I love ya, love ya
With me, girl, is where you belong
Just stay right here, I promise my dear I’ll put nothin’ above ya, ‘bove ya
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, oh how you do me
Kiss me, kiss me, say that you miss me
Tell me what I wanna hear, tell me you love me
At this moment, Sam was singing a Justin Bieber song while playing his guitar, and Santana was praying for a time jump, almost not caring if she was on her death bed when she became lucid again. She realized she’d fixed every relationship in the room. It could be argued she’d even fixed Artie and Brittany’s, even if they were sitting a foot apart, not looking at each other. Now, she was afraid she might have to fix Sam and Quinn.
Sam mercifully ended the song. “So, that was for my girlfriend, Quinn. Since I didn’t get to sing her a love song last week.”
“Yes, you did,” Quinn insisted, “You came over to my house and sang me ‘Everything You Want’ by Vertical Horizon. It was very sweet.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t in public. I wanted to let everyone I knew how much I love you. And that’s why I went to the master of love himself: Justin Bieber. I mean, the dude’s dating Selena Gomez.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she’s not a closet baby dyke,” Santana quipped.
“True story,” Ms. Holliday mused, “All her love songs are dedicated to girls.” Will sent her a disapproving glare.
Sam looked dejected. “Quinn, baby, did you not like that?”
“Sam, you looked like an idiot.” Sam’s face fell, but Quinn slowly got up from her chair and, after fixing his bangs, wrapped her arms around his neck. “But you’re my idiot.” She pressed her lips into his for a quick peck.
Thank the Lord. Getting Quinn back into his arms might involve pointing out his positive aspects, and that’s definitely a blind spot for me.
* * *
Dear Journal,
Today marks the second week in my NEWEST plan to crush Will Schuester and the glee club. Last week, I hired that wench Holly Holliday to be his glee co-director. Schuester and Holliday have completely incompatible teaching styles. Pretty soon, the club will be divided over which parent they like best. Factions will form. Fights will become commonplace. Someone might even DIE.
And in the meantime, I will take control over one of the rival glee clubs. New Directions will be up against the Crawford Country Day Starlings and Westvale’s Aural Intensity. My next step will be to decide which team I will lead and how to… dispose of their current director.
Oh, Journal, I’m as happy as a muskrat that has just devoured its newborn kits.
Sue put her pen down with purpose and popped open a bottle of gummy vitamins. “I wonder if anyone could OD on these?”
* * *
Will noticed the blinds in Emma’s office were closed, so he knocked on the door and opened it. “Emma?” he called into the darkness.
“Oh, Will, it’s you. Come in.”
“Emma, are you okay? I haven’t seen you around.” He noticed she was scrubbing her desk. “And I haven’t seen you do that in a while either.”
Emma tightly squeezed the scrubbing brush, using her rubber-gloved arms to shield herself. “Oh, you know me, I like things clean. Got to get rid of the dirtiness.” Her eyes unfocused and she began to quiver.
“I don’t know if you heard, but Sue hired Holly as the new health teacher and glee co-director. I brought in a cake to celebrate and welcome her to the team, but someone stole it out of the teachers’ lounge minifridge. I’m guessing Sue since Becky Jackson had frosting on her lips yesterday.”
“Oh, yes, I did hear. You must be very happy,” Emma replied insincerely.
“I am. She’s great with the kids. And, I’m not going to lie, I like having her tied down. Long-term relationships aren’t really her strong point.” Emma just nodded. “Hey, have you and Carl set a date for your wedding?”
Emma gasped, but finally answered, fiddling with her necklace, “Yes. June 11th. It’s nice and warm then, so we’re going to have it outside. Actually, it’s not going to be outside. Too much filth. And animals. Dirty animals.” Emma’s eye twitched and she asked, “Will, could I have a minute alone?”
“Sure.” Emma looked moments away from a breakdown, but Will respected her wish and stepped outside.
When Will turned around after closing Emma’s door, he found himself face-to-face with Holly. She had her hair tied back in a bun with a scarf covering her hair.
“I like your… headscarf.”
Suspiciously, Holly answered, “Cancer’s on the lesson plan for today. Should I be worried that my boyfriend is walking out of his ex-girlfriend’s office when all the shades are pulled down?”
Will’s tone was deathly serious. “Emma has regressed severely in her OCD and she’s having trouble talking about Carl. I’m worried that he might have forced himself on her or something. Do you think I should confront him?”
“Ooh, that’d be all manly and heroic.” She grinned flirtatiously, but shook it off. “No, that is awful, and the kind thing you should absolutely get involved with, ex-flame or not.”
“Alright. I’ll do it after glee practice today.”
“You’re doing the right thing. You know, I’m struggling to get the school board let me do a lesson on sexual assault during my sex ed series, and they’re just freaking out about it. They think that if you just ignore a problem, it goes away.”
“To be fair, there’s a lot in that plan that would raise eyebrows.”
* * *
Sam was in the weight room when Artie, Mike, and Puck approached him en masse.
“We want in,” Puck declared.
“In what?” Sam replied.
Artie clarified, “The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.”
“It’s a one-man band.”
Mike suggested, “So expand.”
“You guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.”
Puck apologized, “We were wrong. We underestimated the power of the Biebs.”
Artie continued, “Quinn just melted in front of you. We need to harness of his god-like power. Brittany’s giving me one more shot to salvage our relationship. I need something to pull her in! I’m gonna lose her to another girl!”
Mike added, “Tina’s grown cold after Valentine’s Day. Nothing’s working. Not my abs. Not my dancing. I’m gonna lose her to an iPhone game.”
Sam looked at Puck, “What’s your excuse? Justin Bieber may be awesome, but he won’t turn lesbians straight again.”
“Very funny. Santana’s long since off my radar. Look, it’s Lauren Zizes. I can’t get her out of my head. She said no to the Puckzilla. No one does that.”
Artie pointed out, “Except for Santana.”
“It’d be like trying to attract a rat with peanut butter. She wants cheese.”
“That’s a weird metaphor.”
“Zizes talks about food a lot. I’m gonna lose her to… uh…” He searched for a moment.
“…your total lack of ability to court a girl?” Sam offered.
“That or the fact she finds Oreos more enticing than my guns.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s all girls,” Mike admitted. “I let Tina order devil’s food cake on a dinner date once and all of a sudden I’m allowed to touch her ass.”
Finn walked in from the next room. “Hey, guys, what’s with the glee guys’ meeting? Do we like have those now, like the girls? Have you not been inviting me?”
Sam explained, “These guys want to join my band. You looking to get in, too?”
“No thanks,” he replied, “Rachel and I are… fine.” He rushed out.
* * *
Santana caught Brittany before glee. “Why are you wearing knee socks like a belt?”
“Rachel’s paying me to make them cool.”
“Tied around your waist?”
“Apparently not. She’s kind of mad at me about it. But I had to hide my thong straps somehow.”
Santana had something else on her mind. “So, anyway, you and Artie…”
“He’s trying really hard, but…”
“It’s not clicking.”
“Exactly! He hates talking about pizza toppings.”
“Let me guess, he likes mushrooms, doesn’t he?”
“With Canadian bacon! Everyone knows that the bacon from Canadian topping trees taste just like ham, but he insists they’re a difference.”
Santana scoffed. “That’s why we made that rule: white meat or red meat, none of that pink crap.”
“Exactly.” Brittany spontaneously announced, “Charity ate one of my pom-poms.”
“I know. I saw it on Facebook.”
“Artie likes MySpace better. He’s like weirdly obsessed with bands that aren’t cultural icons because they’ve never sung with P. Diddy. They’re, like, all from Indiana or something. He also likes something called Tumblr, which was a huge disappointment.”
“Because it wasn’t about gymnastics?”
“It’s just this one dumb picture of the cutest little things eating X-Boxes. Turns out, they’re not real. What’s the point of drawings of cute animals that don’t exist? It’s so cruel. I cried for like an hour. Then I found my Lisa Frank folders, so I was okay.”
“Oh, Sweetie, I’m sorry. Let’s go to glee. Maybe Mr. Schue and Ms. Holliday will have some fun songs you can make up dances for?”
“Maybe, I think we’re in the auditorium, though. The boys had something they wanted to show off.”
* * *
Oh oh oh
For you I’d write a symphony
I’d tell the violin
It’s time to sink a swim
Watchin’ play for yaaaa!
For you I’d be (Whoa)
But in a thousand miles just get you where you are
Step to the beat of my heart, I don’t need a whole lot
But for you I need I
I’d rather give you the world
Or we can share mine!
I know that I won’t be the first one given you all this attention
But Baby listen,
I just need somebody to love
I need somebody,
I-I need somebody, I need somebody,
I-I need somebody.
(Somebody to loooove, somebody to looove.)
While the four-man Justin Bieber cover band crooned to an audience of six cheering girls, Santana sat back in a chair next to Finn.
Finn turned his head to ask, “So, I guess this isn’t working on you?”
“Why would it? I mean, sure, Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian, but he looks like a 13-year-old lesbian. That ain’t my thing.”
They looked forward again. Rachel was bouncing up and down, barely taller than the stage, blowing kisses to each guy.
Finn casually mentioned, “Rachel’s responding to it. Maybe I should have joined after all.”
“Look, I know your girl’s like a magpie, attracted to shiny things, but I think your song last week really endeared her to you. That girl’s a sucker for a serenade.”
“Speaking of which, after my Valentine’s Day song to her, she told me she was ready for, uh…”
“Don’t even say it. I can just tell from the waver in your voice. Let me guess, you didn’t tell her about us and went ahead with the naughty waltz.”
“No, I told her. She was… angry.”
“Is that my warning to be careful?”
“I guess. I was just sharing, really.”
“What did you tell her about it? Actually, don’t need to know the details; just tell me: am I going to have to play cleanup? ‘Cause you’re not making my job easy.”
“No, I’ll handle it.”
“Okay, but if I get accosted in the hall by a sweatered gnome, I can’t be held liable for my actions if I’m just defending myself and she ends up in the ceiling.”
The conversation died as Brittany screamed particularly loudly as she jumped up and down. It made Santana’s insides churn, but the blonde didn’t seem to be focusing her attention on Artie alone, so it was a small comfort. In fact, when the song was over, and Artie was laboriously lowered off the stage so he could roll up to her to ask her opinion, she shifted uncomfortably in her spot and finally replied, “I liked it. Justin Bieber is cute, like a baby rock star. And he sings songs that are really easy to understand. It’s like the only music me and my sister agree on. You sang nicely. So, I’ll see you around.”
She walked off, leaving Artie in his place, her eyes falling on Santana as she left.
“Maybe you should have joined the band,” Finn suggested.
“Not on my life. It’s bad enough I’m spouting relationship advice. My rep’s low enough without you throwing me shovels.”
* * *
Will burst into Carl’s exam room, the receptionist running after. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Howell.”
Carl was working on a patient, but got up from his place anyway. “Will?”
The receptionist piped in again, “Dr. Howell, should I call security?”
“No, Francine, it’s fine. And, please, it’s Dr. Carl. Will, please calm down and have a seat and we’ll talk like civilized gentlemen.”
Francine reluctantly left and a still-fuming Will took a seat in a chair. “What about your patient?” He referred to the middle-aged woman lying back in the dental chair.
“Oh, she’s out like a light. She’s one of those anxious ones, so I gassed her up. I’m guessing you’re here on Emma’s behalf?”
“She doesn’t know I’m here, but I did come to talk to you about her. What happened? She’s traumatized. Did you…?”
Carl slouched over, pain in his face. “God, Will, I don’t even know what I did. The other night, she agreed to come over to… make love. She seemed nervous, but let’s be honest, my M&M’s always nervous about one thing or another. The whole time, she kept reassuring me that everything was fine and that we should keep going. I was nothing but gentle, but afterwards… she was like an abused puppy. I tried to talk to her, but she just freaked out and ran back to her place. I’ve been trying to call her for days. Will, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I need your help. Emma has serious intimacy issues, way beyond anything I’m capable of helping her with. And it’s not like she’s not seeing a shrink once a week. It’s like she doesn’t want to get through these issues.”
Will breathed in. “I’m sorry, Carl, I didn’t… well, I just assumed the worst. Look, I care about her, too. A lot. I’d be more than willing to help you out. As much as it pains me to admit it, she’s happy around you.”
* * *
Mr. Schue started the rehearsal off with an announcement. “So, if you all have gotten the Bieber out of your system, we’ve got something important to discuss. We may have gained a new director…” Ms. Holliday, who was standing next to him, curtsied. “…but we’re still short a member. This club needs to stage a comeback with a new member.”
Rachel called out, “Or maybe we can get Kurt to come back.”
Puck offered, “I’ll gladly kidnap Karofsky and leave him in some uncharted portion of Michigan.”
Ms. Holliday pondered that. “Ooh, that could work.” Mr. Schue cleared his throat. She added, “But it is not appropriate.”
Puck asked, “I thought you were supposed to be like our cool mom?”
Ms. Holliday’s eyes widen. “No! I am totally the cool mom! But I’ve still got to be responsible. Mr. Schue and I are learning to meet in the middle.”
Santana chirped, “Wanky.”
Will cried, “Santana!”
“Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“It was good timing,” Ms. Holliday complimented. When Will shot her a disapproving glare, she commented, “Seriously, that’s like your unsexiest expression.” She then paused to reconsider this evaluation.
Brittany was still giggling at Santana. She caught Artie frowning at her, so she looked straight ahead, folding her hands in her lap.
Santana raised her hand. “I’ve got another option I’d like to present. Why don’t we recruit multiple members so that every time we lose a member right before a competition, we’re not screwed? And can I point out that we’re two for three? If Preggers had stumbled upon her mother before Regionals last year, we’d have a perfect record. Let’s pad our numbers. Vocal Adrenaline probably has double our numbers. I counted fifteen Wamblers on stage at Sectionals.”
Quinn asked, “What are you talking about, loca? We had twelve for Sectionals.”
Santana tripped over her words, “Because we all ganged up on Karofsky and kept him from scaring Kurt away. And only in the short run. My point holds. Let’s not just get one more member. Or just get Kurt. Let’s load up.”
Tina voiced the common concern. “Where are we going to find new members? We’re social outcasts. We had the whole football team with us for a week and not one of them stuck around. Even if they’re being relatively nice to us, the ceasefire might not hold out for much longer. I’m getting pictures of Sesame Street’s Count von Count taped to my locker again.”
Brittany raised her hand. “Oh, sorry, that was me. Oh, by the way, knee socks are in.” She pointed to her waist. Rachel groaned.
Mercedes pointed out, “The only reason you three ex-Cheerios were here in the first place was because you were spies.”
Quinn addressed her friend, “And we all fell in love with it.”
Santana offered, “I’m ready to do my part. I’ve already got one candidate in mind to invite. When I was playing matchmaker for Puckerman last week, I noticed some sheet music in Faith Jennings’s locker. Carrie Underwood.”
“Ooh,” Ms. Holliday cooed brightly, “You guys are kind of country-challenged.”
Rachel jumped in, “Genevieve McLaire. We did Grease at the local community theater. I beat her out for the part of Sandy, but she did quite well as Rizzo. She has a very good voice; it doesn’t compare to my obviously, but...”
Mercedes asked, “You’re gonna invite someone?”
“I will not deny I have ulterior motives. We’ll almost certainly be up against Vocal Adrenaline-including Sunshine Corazón-at Nationals this year. When we go, I’d like to have proof that I’m not the same saboteur that I was at the beginning of the year.”
Will made an announcement in his excited announcing voice, “Well, it’s settled. We’re holding more auditions!”
Author’s Notes: Goddamn you, Glee, for making me Google Justin Bieber songs because “Baby” wasn’t appropriate for a stable relationship. And that ruined my original, funny title: “Baby, Come Back.” Sam sang “Love Me” instead.
Also, I complain about this a lot, but I did not steal Emma regressing to her OCD state once things get rocky with Carl from “A Night of Neglect.” Also, the fact that Holly doesn’t immediately jump to conclusions about Will and Emma is not a reaction to the episode. Seriously, my Holly is so much better than the canon Holly.
Random trivia: Heather Morris and Max Adler both went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona. They were only a year apart but went to different schools. Am I the first one who’s noticed this?
Part 2
Author: creedogv
Rating: T
Summary: Santana has been given the opportunity to correct her past mistakes with Brittany, so she can’t help but take it. It’s Artie last chance to win over Brittany, and the club holds another round of auditions.
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Word Count: ~3100/7500
Spoilers: 2x13 “Comeback”
Disclaimer: I hate disclaimers. But I wanted to disclaim, okay, yeah, I don’t own Glee or anything. But I do own the funny ideas and plot points, especially those which the show steals from me. Doesn’t being a Glee fanfiction writer make you want to write a Glee original novel? Just me?
Author’s Note: The working title for this chapter was “Baby, Come Back”, a name which I simultaneously hated for being so dumb and loved for being so funny. Also, I broke this into two parts because I'm afraid LJ will freak if I keep trying to put 8000-word entries up.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15
My friends say I’m a fool to think that you’re the one for me
I guess I’m just a sucker for love
‘Cause honestly the truth is that you know I’m never leavin’
‘Cause you’re my angel sent from above
Baby, you can do no wrong
My money is yours, give you a little more because I love ya, love ya
With me, girl, is where you belong
Just stay right here, I promise my dear I’ll put nothin’ above ya, ‘bove ya
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, oh how you do me
Kiss me, kiss me, say that you miss me
Tell me what I wanna hear, tell me you love me
At this moment, Sam was singing a Justin Bieber song while playing his guitar, and Santana was praying for a time jump, almost not caring if she was on her death bed when she became lucid again. She realized she’d fixed every relationship in the room. It could be argued she’d even fixed Artie and Brittany’s, even if they were sitting a foot apart, not looking at each other. Now, she was afraid she might have to fix Sam and Quinn.
Sam mercifully ended the song. “So, that was for my girlfriend, Quinn. Since I didn’t get to sing her a love song last week.”
“Yes, you did,” Quinn insisted, “You came over to my house and sang me ‘Everything You Want’ by Vertical Horizon. It was very sweet.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t in public. I wanted to let everyone I knew how much I love you. And that’s why I went to the master of love himself: Justin Bieber. I mean, the dude’s dating Selena Gomez.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she’s not a closet baby dyke,” Santana quipped.
“True story,” Ms. Holliday mused, “All her love songs are dedicated to girls.” Will sent her a disapproving glare.
Sam looked dejected. “Quinn, baby, did you not like that?”
“Sam, you looked like an idiot.” Sam’s face fell, but Quinn slowly got up from her chair and, after fixing his bangs, wrapped her arms around his neck. “But you’re my idiot.” She pressed her lips into his for a quick peck.
Thank the Lord. Getting Quinn back into his arms might involve pointing out his positive aspects, and that’s definitely a blind spot for me.
* * *
Dear Journal,
Today marks the second week in my NEWEST plan to crush Will Schuester and the glee club. Last week, I hired that wench Holly Holliday to be his glee co-director. Schuester and Holliday have completely incompatible teaching styles. Pretty soon, the club will be divided over which parent they like best. Factions will form. Fights will become commonplace. Someone might even DIE.
And in the meantime, I will take control over one of the rival glee clubs. New Directions will be up against the Crawford Country Day Starlings and Westvale’s Aural Intensity. My next step will be to decide which team I will lead and how to… dispose of their current director.
Oh, Journal, I’m as happy as a muskrat that has just devoured its newborn kits.
Sue put her pen down with purpose and popped open a bottle of gummy vitamins. “I wonder if anyone could OD on these?”
* * *
Will noticed the blinds in Emma’s office were closed, so he knocked on the door and opened it. “Emma?” he called into the darkness.
“Oh, Will, it’s you. Come in.”
“Emma, are you okay? I haven’t seen you around.” He noticed she was scrubbing her desk. “And I haven’t seen you do that in a while either.”
Emma tightly squeezed the scrubbing brush, using her rubber-gloved arms to shield herself. “Oh, you know me, I like things clean. Got to get rid of the dirtiness.” Her eyes unfocused and she began to quiver.
“I don’t know if you heard, but Sue hired Holly as the new health teacher and glee co-director. I brought in a cake to celebrate and welcome her to the team, but someone stole it out of the teachers’ lounge minifridge. I’m guessing Sue since Becky Jackson had frosting on her lips yesterday.”
“Oh, yes, I did hear. You must be very happy,” Emma replied insincerely.
“I am. She’s great with the kids. And, I’m not going to lie, I like having her tied down. Long-term relationships aren’t really her strong point.” Emma just nodded. “Hey, have you and Carl set a date for your wedding?”
Emma gasped, but finally answered, fiddling with her necklace, “Yes. June 11th. It’s nice and warm then, so we’re going to have it outside. Actually, it’s not going to be outside. Too much filth. And animals. Dirty animals.” Emma’s eye twitched and she asked, “Will, could I have a minute alone?”
“Sure.” Emma looked moments away from a breakdown, but Will respected her wish and stepped outside.
When Will turned around after closing Emma’s door, he found himself face-to-face with Holly. She had her hair tied back in a bun with a scarf covering her hair.
“I like your… headscarf.”
Suspiciously, Holly answered, “Cancer’s on the lesson plan for today. Should I be worried that my boyfriend is walking out of his ex-girlfriend’s office when all the shades are pulled down?”
Will’s tone was deathly serious. “Emma has regressed severely in her OCD and she’s having trouble talking about Carl. I’m worried that he might have forced himself on her or something. Do you think I should confront him?”
“Ooh, that’d be all manly and heroic.” She grinned flirtatiously, but shook it off. “No, that is awful, and the kind thing you should absolutely get involved with, ex-flame or not.”
“Alright. I’ll do it after glee practice today.”
“You’re doing the right thing. You know, I’m struggling to get the school board let me do a lesson on sexual assault during my sex ed series, and they’re just freaking out about it. They think that if you just ignore a problem, it goes away.”
“To be fair, there’s a lot in that plan that would raise eyebrows.”
* * *
Sam was in the weight room when Artie, Mike, and Puck approached him en masse.
“We want in,” Puck declared.
“In what?” Sam replied.
Artie clarified, “The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.”
“It’s a one-man band.”
Mike suggested, “So expand.”
“You guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.”
Puck apologized, “We were wrong. We underestimated the power of the Biebs.”
Artie continued, “Quinn just melted in front of you. We need to harness of his god-like power. Brittany’s giving me one more shot to salvage our relationship. I need something to pull her in! I’m gonna lose her to another girl!”
Mike added, “Tina’s grown cold after Valentine’s Day. Nothing’s working. Not my abs. Not my dancing. I’m gonna lose her to an iPhone game.”
Sam looked at Puck, “What’s your excuse? Justin Bieber may be awesome, but he won’t turn lesbians straight again.”
“Very funny. Santana’s long since off my radar. Look, it’s Lauren Zizes. I can’t get her out of my head. She said no to the Puckzilla. No one does that.”
Artie pointed out, “Except for Santana.”
“It’d be like trying to attract a rat with peanut butter. She wants cheese.”
“That’s a weird metaphor.”
“Zizes talks about food a lot. I’m gonna lose her to… uh…” He searched for a moment.
“…your total lack of ability to court a girl?” Sam offered.
“That or the fact she finds Oreos more enticing than my guns.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s all girls,” Mike admitted. “I let Tina order devil’s food cake on a dinner date once and all of a sudden I’m allowed to touch her ass.”
Finn walked in from the next room. “Hey, guys, what’s with the glee guys’ meeting? Do we like have those now, like the girls? Have you not been inviting me?”
Sam explained, “These guys want to join my band. You looking to get in, too?”
“No thanks,” he replied, “Rachel and I are… fine.” He rushed out.
* * *
Santana caught Brittany before glee. “Why are you wearing knee socks like a belt?”
“Rachel’s paying me to make them cool.”
“Tied around your waist?”
“Apparently not. She’s kind of mad at me about it. But I had to hide my thong straps somehow.”
Santana had something else on her mind. “So, anyway, you and Artie…”
“He’s trying really hard, but…”
“It’s not clicking.”
“Exactly! He hates talking about pizza toppings.”
“Let me guess, he likes mushrooms, doesn’t he?”
“With Canadian bacon! Everyone knows that the bacon from Canadian topping trees taste just like ham, but he insists they’re a difference.”
Santana scoffed. “That’s why we made that rule: white meat or red meat, none of that pink crap.”
“Exactly.” Brittany spontaneously announced, “Charity ate one of my pom-poms.”
“I know. I saw it on Facebook.”
“Artie likes MySpace better. He’s like weirdly obsessed with bands that aren’t cultural icons because they’ve never sung with P. Diddy. They’re, like, all from Indiana or something. He also likes something called Tumblr, which was a huge disappointment.”
“Because it wasn’t about gymnastics?”
“It’s just this one dumb picture of the cutest little things eating X-Boxes. Turns out, they’re not real. What’s the point of drawings of cute animals that don’t exist? It’s so cruel. I cried for like an hour. Then I found my Lisa Frank folders, so I was okay.”
“Oh, Sweetie, I’m sorry. Let’s go to glee. Maybe Mr. Schue and Ms. Holliday will have some fun songs you can make up dances for?”
“Maybe, I think we’re in the auditorium, though. The boys had something they wanted to show off.”
* * *
Oh oh oh
For you I’d write a symphony
I’d tell the violin
It’s time to sink a swim
Watchin’ play for yaaaa!
For you I’d be (Whoa)
But in a thousand miles just get you where you are
Step to the beat of my heart, I don’t need a whole lot
But for you I need I
I’d rather give you the world
Or we can share mine!
I know that I won’t be the first one given you all this attention
But Baby listen,
I just need somebody to love
I need somebody,
I-I need somebody, I need somebody,
I-I need somebody.
(Somebody to loooove, somebody to looove.)
While the four-man Justin Bieber cover band crooned to an audience of six cheering girls, Santana sat back in a chair next to Finn.
Finn turned his head to ask, “So, I guess this isn’t working on you?”
“Why would it? I mean, sure, Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian, but he looks like a 13-year-old lesbian. That ain’t my thing.”
They looked forward again. Rachel was bouncing up and down, barely taller than the stage, blowing kisses to each guy.
Finn casually mentioned, “Rachel’s responding to it. Maybe I should have joined after all.”
“Look, I know your girl’s like a magpie, attracted to shiny things, but I think your song last week really endeared her to you. That girl’s a sucker for a serenade.”
“Speaking of which, after my Valentine’s Day song to her, she told me she was ready for, uh…”
“Don’t even say it. I can just tell from the waver in your voice. Let me guess, you didn’t tell her about us and went ahead with the naughty waltz.”
“No, I told her. She was… angry.”
“Is that my warning to be careful?”
“I guess. I was just sharing, really.”
“What did you tell her about it? Actually, don’t need to know the details; just tell me: am I going to have to play cleanup? ‘Cause you’re not making my job easy.”
“No, I’ll handle it.”
“Okay, but if I get accosted in the hall by a sweatered gnome, I can’t be held liable for my actions if I’m just defending myself and she ends up in the ceiling.”
The conversation died as Brittany screamed particularly loudly as she jumped up and down. It made Santana’s insides churn, but the blonde didn’t seem to be focusing her attention on Artie alone, so it was a small comfort. In fact, when the song was over, and Artie was laboriously lowered off the stage so he could roll up to her to ask her opinion, she shifted uncomfortably in her spot and finally replied, “I liked it. Justin Bieber is cute, like a baby rock star. And he sings songs that are really easy to understand. It’s like the only music me and my sister agree on. You sang nicely. So, I’ll see you around.”
She walked off, leaving Artie in his place, her eyes falling on Santana as she left.
“Maybe you should have joined the band,” Finn suggested.
“Not on my life. It’s bad enough I’m spouting relationship advice. My rep’s low enough without you throwing me shovels.”
* * *
Will burst into Carl’s exam room, the receptionist running after. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Howell.”
Carl was working on a patient, but got up from his place anyway. “Will?”
The receptionist piped in again, “Dr. Howell, should I call security?”
“No, Francine, it’s fine. And, please, it’s Dr. Carl. Will, please calm down and have a seat and we’ll talk like civilized gentlemen.”
Francine reluctantly left and a still-fuming Will took a seat in a chair. “What about your patient?” He referred to the middle-aged woman lying back in the dental chair.
“Oh, she’s out like a light. She’s one of those anxious ones, so I gassed her up. I’m guessing you’re here on Emma’s behalf?”
“She doesn’t know I’m here, but I did come to talk to you about her. What happened? She’s traumatized. Did you…?”
Carl slouched over, pain in his face. “God, Will, I don’t even know what I did. The other night, she agreed to come over to… make love. She seemed nervous, but let’s be honest, my M&M’s always nervous about one thing or another. The whole time, she kept reassuring me that everything was fine and that we should keep going. I was nothing but gentle, but afterwards… she was like an abused puppy. I tried to talk to her, but she just freaked out and ran back to her place. I’ve been trying to call her for days. Will, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I need your help. Emma has serious intimacy issues, way beyond anything I’m capable of helping her with. And it’s not like she’s not seeing a shrink once a week. It’s like she doesn’t want to get through these issues.”
Will breathed in. “I’m sorry, Carl, I didn’t… well, I just assumed the worst. Look, I care about her, too. A lot. I’d be more than willing to help you out. As much as it pains me to admit it, she’s happy around you.”
* * *
Mr. Schue started the rehearsal off with an announcement. “So, if you all have gotten the Bieber out of your system, we’ve got something important to discuss. We may have gained a new director…” Ms. Holliday, who was standing next to him, curtsied. “…but we’re still short a member. This club needs to stage a comeback with a new member.”
Rachel called out, “Or maybe we can get Kurt to come back.”
Puck offered, “I’ll gladly kidnap Karofsky and leave him in some uncharted portion of Michigan.”
Ms. Holliday pondered that. “Ooh, that could work.” Mr. Schue cleared his throat. She added, “But it is not appropriate.”
Puck asked, “I thought you were supposed to be like our cool mom?”
Ms. Holliday’s eyes widen. “No! I am totally the cool mom! But I’ve still got to be responsible. Mr. Schue and I are learning to meet in the middle.”
Santana chirped, “Wanky.”
Will cried, “Santana!”
“Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“It was good timing,” Ms. Holliday complimented. When Will shot her a disapproving glare, she commented, “Seriously, that’s like your unsexiest expression.” She then paused to reconsider this evaluation.
Brittany was still giggling at Santana. She caught Artie frowning at her, so she looked straight ahead, folding her hands in her lap.
Santana raised her hand. “I’ve got another option I’d like to present. Why don’t we recruit multiple members so that every time we lose a member right before a competition, we’re not screwed? And can I point out that we’re two for three? If Preggers had stumbled upon her mother before Regionals last year, we’d have a perfect record. Let’s pad our numbers. Vocal Adrenaline probably has double our numbers. I counted fifteen Wamblers on stage at Sectionals.”
Quinn asked, “What are you talking about, loca? We had twelve for Sectionals.”
Santana tripped over her words, “Because we all ganged up on Karofsky and kept him from scaring Kurt away. And only in the short run. My point holds. Let’s not just get one more member. Or just get Kurt. Let’s load up.”
Tina voiced the common concern. “Where are we going to find new members? We’re social outcasts. We had the whole football team with us for a week and not one of them stuck around. Even if they’re being relatively nice to us, the ceasefire might not hold out for much longer. I’m getting pictures of Sesame Street’s Count von Count taped to my locker again.”
Brittany raised her hand. “Oh, sorry, that was me. Oh, by the way, knee socks are in.” She pointed to her waist. Rachel groaned.
Mercedes pointed out, “The only reason you three ex-Cheerios were here in the first place was because you were spies.”
Quinn addressed her friend, “And we all fell in love with it.”
Santana offered, “I’m ready to do my part. I’ve already got one candidate in mind to invite. When I was playing matchmaker for Puckerman last week, I noticed some sheet music in Faith Jennings’s locker. Carrie Underwood.”
“Ooh,” Ms. Holliday cooed brightly, “You guys are kind of country-challenged.”
Rachel jumped in, “Genevieve McLaire. We did Grease at the local community theater. I beat her out for the part of Sandy, but she did quite well as Rizzo. She has a very good voice; it doesn’t compare to my obviously, but...”
Mercedes asked, “You’re gonna invite someone?”
“I will not deny I have ulterior motives. We’ll almost certainly be up against Vocal Adrenaline-including Sunshine Corazón-at Nationals this year. When we go, I’d like to have proof that I’m not the same saboteur that I was at the beginning of the year.”
Will made an announcement in his excited announcing voice, “Well, it’s settled. We’re holding more auditions!”
Author’s Notes: Goddamn you, Glee, for making me Google Justin Bieber songs because “Baby” wasn’t appropriate for a stable relationship. And that ruined my original, funny title: “Baby, Come Back.” Sam sang “Love Me” instead.
Also, I complain about this a lot, but I did not steal Emma regressing to her OCD state once things get rocky with Carl from “A Night of Neglect.” Also, the fact that Holly doesn’t immediately jump to conclusions about Will and Emma is not a reaction to the episode. Seriously, my Holly is so much better than the canon Holly.
Random trivia: Heather Morris and Max Adler both went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona. They were only a year apart but went to different schools. Am I the first one who’s noticed this?
Part 2