Letters From War Chapter 14
Title: Letters From War
Length: [15/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: whew... now that chapter 13 is over we can get back to some yunjae lovin! :D there is some teukchul in this chapter also though so... yeah, hopefully you aren't sick of them yet <3
{ Prologue} { Ch1} { Ch2} { Ch3} { Ch4} { Ch5a} { Ch5b} { Ch6} { Ch7} { Ch8} { Ch9a} { Ch9b} { Ch10} { Ch11} { Ch12} { Ch13a} { Ch13b} { Ch13c} { Ch13d}
Chapter 14
"Please don’t punish my brother Yunho,” he whispered as he stared straight into the Soryeong’s eyes.
“I won’t,” Yunho answered automatically. He finally moved his hand and touched Jaejoong’s cheek, cradling his face like a precious gem. “If it hurts you I won’t do it.”
Jaejoong sighed and melted into Yunho’s touch as relief flooded over him- his own relief. His lids slid closed and he fully took in the warmth radiating from the hand on his face. It was everything he needed at that moment, and the tenderness in Yunho’s touch went straight to his fluttering heart. Worry and guilt no longer existed in the small room and everything outside of its thin walls didn’t even matter. Even the still air surrounding them seemed to whisper Yunho… Yunho… Yunho… “It’s gone,” he breathed out with a smile.
“What’s gone?”
Yunho’s heated breath fanned out on his neck and sent delightful shivers down his spine. “I-it’s nothing…” he whispered. “Can I ask you for something?”
“Anything,” Yunho answered as he brushed the tip of his nose against Jaejoong’s pale neck. The trail was soon followed by his smirking lips. He still has my marks on him… Yunho thought. He knew those marks could very well lead to their downfall, but he couldn’t swallow the feeling of pride that came from gazing at the slightly purple patches of skin. He continued brushing his lips against the marks as he spoke. “Tell me what you want Jaejoong,” he purred.
“Can I have some paper?”
Yunho’s administrations came to an abrupt halt. “Paper?”
Jaejoong nodded.
“Um…” Yunho reluctantly pulled away from his lover, dumbfounded, and made a quick sweep of his eyes around the room, finding a few stray sheets of paper on the nightstand beside them. “What do you need it for?” he asked as he handed Jaejoong the paper.
“I just want to write another letter to my Umma,” the smaller man answered quietly.
“I doubt the other one you wrote has even been sent yet.”
Jaejoong’s downcast eyes focused on anything but the man in front of him. “I know, I just… It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. Please understand-”
A sad smile pulled at the corner of Yunho’s lips as he twisted a finger in Jaejoong’s raven colored hair. “Because it makes you feel better, right?”
“Right.” The smaller man let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He took the pen Yunho’s free hand offered with a quick smile. “It won’t take long, I promise.”
Yunho just hummed in acknowledgment and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong, resting his head on the latter’s thin shoulder as he began to write.
**~**~**~**~**
Dear Umma,
I know I wrote to you not all that long ago but something happened after I wrote that one and I kind of wanted to tell you about it. You probably won’t like what I have to say because you love your sons so much and-
**~**~**~**~**
“Jaejoong, you aren’t telling your Umma about what we did are you?” Yunho asked in a surprisingly adorably panic.
“No I’m not. Now stop reading over my shoulder.” He added a small smack to the officer’s arm to emphasize his point.
**~**~**~**~**
-and don’t want us getting into trouble; I just think that’s it’s an important thing for you to know. Anyway, I used to always hear you talking about how Junsu was your better son to Appa when you thought I was asleep. I want to apologize for that and also for telling you that the reason you thought he was your better son wasn’t even true. I didn’t know it myself until last night and I’m not entirely sure that Junsu did either. He’s in love with someone Umma, whether he wants to admit it or not. I can’t say who it is because I have no idea who might try to read this or who is reading it right now over my shoulder, (yes that is a hint to you Yunho) and you probably wouldn’t know who it was if I told you. I don’t even know them that much, but I can feel that they are a good person for Junsu. He was in denial about it though, and I think he still is to some degree. As for me, I’m not sure if I’m in love but… I definitely feel something that has never been there with other people. This guy, he’s… so different. I haven’t known him for more than a few days and, despite you telling me not to jump into things like this so quickly, I honestly believe that I would be lost without him. Call me crazy, but I think he feels the same way about me.
**~**~**~**~**
Jaejoong looked up from his writing to steal a glance at the person he mentioned, a pink tint gently shading his cheeks. To his relief, Yunho seemed to listen to his request and was currently focused on the silky strands that occupied his fingers. Jaejoong sighed.
**~**~**~**~**
This started off as nothing but lust toward each other, like you always said my relationships with other men would be. I never imagined that it would turn out like this Umma. We’ve never really talked about how we feel about each other (we’re so worried about getting caught all the time); it’s just there. I mean, sure we still have the physical thing between us, but it’s more than that now. At least it is to me. And… it hurts to know that you wouldn’t understand even if you were still here. I miss you Umma.
All of my love,
Jaejoong
**~**~**~**~**
Jaejoong set his letter aside, regaining Yunho’s attention and releasing a long sigh. “Yunho…”
“Yes?” the elder man asked in a voice as soft as the lips that grazed Jaejoong’s jaw line.
“What do you think of me?”
Yunho smiled. “I think you’re beautiful,” he answered as he left a light kiss on the place his lips had been.
And Jaejoong’s heart throbbed at the words. “You like the way I look?”
Another kiss a few centimeters away from the one before, another answer. “Of course.”
“Is that all you think about me?”
Yunho’s lips stilled and his hand pulled away from Jaejoong’s hair, his eyes asking so many questions he couldn’t bring himself to say. He trailed the back of his finger from the smaller man’s ear to the collar of his shirt before retreating completely back to his side. “No.” He paused and looked away. “I mean I think about that too but I just… I don’t know. We haven’t even known each other for a week yet Jaejoong, how am I supposed to think? I mean, yeah, of course I like you and I think about you… a lot… or else I wouldn’t be risking our asses to spend ten minutes with you, but…” He finally met Jaejoong’s expectant gaze, feeling the burn in his chest from knowing that he couldn’t give the younger man the answer he sought. “I guess I just don’t really know what you want me to say.”
Air slowly escaped it’s confinement in Jaejoong’s lungs and fluttered into the space between them. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t really know what I was looking for either,” he lied easily. The trainee had to admit to himself that it was a little ridiculous to expect Yunho to claim his undying love after such a short time together. For all he knew, Yunho only thought of him as a quick fuck to relief the sexual frustration that had built up over the years of being secluded with only homophobic men. Unless… No. He wouldn’t think of that right now; there wasn’t enough time for that. “How much longer do you think we have before someone comes in on us?” Jaejoong asked half-heartedly.
“I couldn’t tell you for sure but I doubt it’s very long.”
“When will we get a moment alone like this again?”
“We can never know for sure. Maybe in a few hours, maybe in a few weeks,” Yunho concluded with a soft sigh.
“I’m sorry…” Jaejoong muttered, claiming his bottom lip with his teeth. “I totally ruined our moment…”
But Yunho just smiled and stroked the trainee’s soft cheek again, his eyes radiating with something Jaejoong couldn’t quite place. “It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I think we could get our moment back with no problem at all.” He leaned in and put his face back against Jaejoong’s neck just as it was before with a new kind of glint in his black eyes. “You did lie to me earlier after all… And lying leads to punishment…” His lowered voice trailed off before he softly nipped Jaejoong’s earlobe, just hard enough to make the trainee gasp.
“You lied to me too!” Jaejoong claimed breathlessly as Yunho’s tongue began to work wonders on his sensitive flesh. He almost screamed when the officer pulled away.
“Lied to you about what?” he asked.
“You said you were taking me to Daeryeong Kim. Maybe I’m just blind, but I don’t see him anywhere around here.”
Yunho laughed against Jaejoong’s neck, sending delicious vibrations through their bodies. “Then I guess we’ll just have to punish each other.”
**~**~**~**~**
Changmin found himself giggling until he could hardly breathe over the smallest things. The bland white color of the bed sheets, the curtains that twisted themselves into knots to spell his name, and even the sound of his own laughter were just so hysterical! The high-flying Jungnyeong turned on his side, still giggling like a madman, and stared at the waving sheet of paper on the table beside him. Well didn’t that look like a kind sheet of paper? Changmin smiled at the paper, declaring it his new friend before reaching out to grab the white material. The ink-bound words danced around the page, putting on a show just for him. They are so sweet… Changmin pressed the paper to his chest and hugged it close to his body as if it would fly away if he let go. More giggles poured from his mouth, further mismatching his eyes and causing his nerves to scream in pain he couldn’t feel. “Eunhyukie my loooovely~” he called in English as he blew a kiss into the air.
The head medic came back into the room with a small plate of food in his hands. “What is it Changmin?”
“Meet my new best friend!” The young Jungnyeong exclaimed as he held out the piece of paper to Eunhyuk. “His name is YoungWoong!” The childish smile plastered on Changmin’s lips made him look twelve years old again; innocence written all over his bruised face.
“That’s nice Changmin.” Eunhyuk’s heart panged as he watched Changmin revel in his own little world of bliss. But… there was something a little bit off on the effects the cannabis seemed to have on the Jungnyeong. Did any of his other patients laugh this much? No, he couldn’t think about this now; Heechul was expecting so much paper work in such little time and his thoughts were scattered everywhere. Promising himself that he would come back to check on Changmin later, Eunhyuk placed the food on the small table beside the bed and exited the room.
When the medic was well out of sight, Changmin became vastly unfocused, just as if Eunhyuk had never come in. He turned again to lie on his back and watched colors explode from the ceiling before twisting their way down to him. Everything was just so… surreal. Yet he still continued to press the leaf between his teeth. As the bitter taste spread over his tongue, his body seemed to melt into the bed beneath him, becoming one. “So soft…” he cooed. It wasn’t this soft ten minutes ago… Then again, there wasn’t a young boy standing over him ten minutes ago either.
The boy’s skin was so, so pale- almost white with a blinding contrast to his chocolate brown hair and eyes. Changmin giggled even harder when he realized that some of the boy’s featured resembled his own, but yet were somehow vastly different. Dark circles framed the boy’s warm eyes as if he hadn’t had a good sleep in a very long time, and it seemed as if the life had been sucked out of them. Too dull to be the sixteen year old something told the Jungnyeong he was. Changmin knew that his own body was quite thin, but this boy appeared to take that trait to the extreme. He just looked… sick.
But the boy still gave Changmin a tired smile. “Hyung is sorry Changminnie,” he said, his voice echoing and distorted. He reached out a thin hand to brush Changmin’s hair away from his eyes, the touch making waves ripple through everything in sight. “I promised that I would take you to the park today but I never did. I say this every time you’ve asked me to take you somewhere and I guess I’m going to again: Umma said I was too sick to go outside. She said I had to stay in bed if I want to get better. And as soon as I am, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, no matter how crazy the place is.”
The swirling stopped. The giggles stopped. Time itself seemed to stop. Changmin couldn’t make his voice go above a faint whisper. “Yongmin-hyung?”
**~**~**~**~**
It was a deliberately slow advancement- a feather light kiss here, a gentle caress there- as they dangled over the edge of being discovered. But the danger of it all made the moment just that much more exciting.
Jaejoong was hypersensitive to Yunho’s every touch, whether it be with his fingers, lips, or tongue as Yunho gradually shifted to straddle his body. In that moment, he couldn’t think of anything he could have possibly wanted more than to feel the warm weight pushing him down against the thin white sheets of the officer’s bed. It was so forbidden, yet so sinfully delicious. Yunho kissed his awaiting lips gently at first, his tongue not yet asking for the entry that Jaejoong desired. How could he be going so damn slow at a time like this? He wanted Yunho to do anything that would grant him release of the scorching heat that gradually built in the pit of his stomach, anything to make him fly higher than he’d ever been.
Feeling the smaller man’s anxiousness, Yunho finally began to work with his tongue. He traced Jaejoong’s already parted lips as if to memorize every line of the delicious pink petals before diving in for the true prize. Just like the first time, sweetness exploded across his taste buds and spun his world upside down in the best way he could have ever imagined. Silk eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as he gradually deepened the kiss and tasted everything the smaller man had to offer. It was almost too much, but not quite enough.
When both men had used the last of their breath they were forced to break apart. They stared deep into each other’s eyes, hearts pounding from more than just the intensity of their kiss. Jaejoong unconsciously licked his kiss-swollen lips as he stared at his illicit lover. Nothing could keep him away from Yunho now, not even the empty space where the words “I love you” should be in his heart. It was too soon for love. Too soon… too soon… too…
A hand sliding under his shirt and lips once again connecting with his own broke apart every rational thought in the trainee’s mind. The soft hand wandered farther and his heart beat impossibly faster with each second that passed, his tongue no longer knowing what to do with itself. Only the sound of Yunho’s voice brought him back down to earth.
“Do you have any idea how crazy you made me when you were up against that wall last night?” Yunho groaned against Jaejoong’s kiss-swollen lips. “You couldn’t imagine how badly I wanted it to be me making you feel that way. You were just so beautiful…” He laughed slightly. “It’s funny how I’m jealous of something I couldn’t even see. But I guess that just proves how badly I want you Jaejoong…” The Soryeong’s words trailed off as his lips made their way down Jaejoong’s heaving torso, only to stop right at the waistline of those horrid green pants. Oh how he wanted that cursed piece of fabric to join the trainee’s shirt in the corner of his room.
How Jaejoong’s shirt ended up in that corner, he couldn’t tell you, but he was just as eager for his pants to come off as Yunho seemed to be. Even with all of the “special treatment” he had given his boyfriends, he’d never made any of them return the favor; he could never bring himself to make some one he thought he loved to do something that he personally hated doing regardless of how good it seemed to feel. And any sliver of sense telling him to stop Yunho fluttered away the second Yunho’s tongue made contact with the virgin skin between his hips. Rationality was just no longer an option.
His physical senses took over and a soft moan escaped his throat as Yunho slowly slid the last piece of putrid green fabric away from his skin. Jaejoong was lying before someone completely bare for the first time, nothing left to the imagination and everything on display for a man he hardly knew. I must’ve lost my damn mind… Jaejoong thought with a bitter laugh.
Yunho’s dark brown eyes looked up from the beautiful sight below him to stare into an even more beautiful face. “Something funny?” he asked with a slight smirk.
“You said that I drove you crazy… I think it might be the other way around.” He looked down at Yunho, his own member standing between them, and yet Jaejoong couldn’t find it in himself to want to cover his body.
Every drop of lust suddenly vanished from the officer’s dark eyes, his body straightening to pull away from the skin he desperately wanted to taste. “If you want me to stop all you have to do is say so.” But Jaejoong’s answer was nothing like what he expected.
“Don’t you dare stop.”
**~**~**~**~**
Fear in all its entirety crashed onto Leeteuk as he stood in the doorway of the Daeryeong’s room. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, could hardly even breathe. He recognized the unfocused eyes that stared at the ceiling. He recognized the slow deep breaths that made Heechul’s chest rise and fall like ocean waves. He recognized the rivers of crimson tears that poured from his loved one’s wrist and onto the floor- all of the things he thought they had left behind. Yet here it all was again, mocking them like a small child. He took a shaking step forward, holding his breath and praying that he would have the heart to keep going.
“Leeteuk.”
The hollow voice made the Jungnyeong instantly freeze again. His blood ran like ice through his veins and his entire body trembled. Nothing could have possibly made watching his love bleed his pain out okay. He didn’t want the sight before him to be real; he could hardly even wrap his mind around it. But it was all here and impossible to ignore. “How much?” he asked with a shaking voice.
“Mmm?”
“How much did you take Heechul?” Leeteuk was unsure of how he managed to move across the room to stand by Heechul’s side or why he would ask such a question instead of the standard ‘are you okay?’
Heechul blinked slowly and took a deep breath. “I don’t remember,” he muttered.
“I’m taking you to Eunhyuk.”
The Daeryeong laughed humorlessly and his head lolled to the side. “No you’re not.”
The slightly elder man’s face stiffened despite his tear-jerking worry as he stepped forward and put one arm under Heechul’s knees, the other behind his shoulders, and hauled the Daeryeong up anyway.
Everything became dangerously out of focus as Heechul was lifted in the air, a sharp gasp being torn from his throat. “Park Leeteuk you put me down right now!” he shouted.
Leeteuk almost smiled at the use of his full name instead of a hallow title but he ignored the order all the same. “I’m not putting you down until we get to the medical ward.” His once firm grip slackened when the small man in his arms began thrashing wildly to break free, smearing a long trail of red down the sleeve of Leeteuk’s shirt.
“I don’t feel any pain Leeteuk!” Heechul shouted, staring straight into Leeteuk’s eyes and breathing heavily.
The latter froze.
“You don’t understand… I need to be like this. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore.” Neither man said anything as minutes ticked by. Thick silence hovered around them as they looked into the gateway to each other’s soul for the first time in so long. Desperation shimmered in Heechul’s dilated eyes, silently pleading with Leeteuk to just let this go- let him feel free for just one moment. He was sick of being controlled, sick of being a disappointment, sick of being so stuck in the this world where he always had to follow in someone else’s shadow.
“You think you’re the only one in pain?” Leeteuk finally asked, his voice grave and unsympathetic. When he got no response, his words began to flow out on their own. “It hurts me too when you do things like this Chullie. I have to watch you suffer and know that I can’t do a damn thing about it. And every time I try to help you I just get pushed away even if we both know you can’t handle it on your own. I care so much about you… Everything you do affects me too. You can’t take it anymore, you don’t want to feel pain anymore.” A short, almost hysterical laugh escaped his lips. “Stop being so damn selfish.”
Heechul said nothing and let Leeteuk carry him to the medical ward without any further protest. He felt like he was eight years old again wrapped in the security of Leeteuk’s arms. The elder man’s scent washed over his blurry world, bringing with it an overwhelming sense of peace. “Leeteuk I’m cold…” he mumbled as he pressed further into his captor’s soft shirt and began to close his eyes.
But that one statement was enough to shatter Leeteuk’s calm demeanor. Panic welled up in his chest, his eyes widening and steps speeding up. “You’re cold?” he asked with a little more worry in his voice than he wanted to show.
Heechul’s cheek brushed against the Jungnyeong’s covered chest as he nodded.
“Chullie-ah, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep on me, okay?” Leeteuk asked quite frantically. The medical ward had only seemed father away once before, and that was a time he refused to remind himself of. He forgot about the blood that had been soaking through his shirt, only allowing himself to feel the slowing rhythm of the other man’s rising and falling chest.
**~**~**~**~**
“Yongmin hyung?” Changmin’s body trembled as he rested his bleary eyes on the face of a boy he hadn’t seen for over seven years. So many thoughts tried to enter his fogged up mind but nothing aside from deep sorrow registered. His chest tightened and tears formed in the Jungnyeong’s eyes, threatening to spill forth at any second.
“I know you’re upset with me Minnie but please don’t cry.” The drug-induced illusion put on a tired smile and stroked a weightless hand down Changmin’s bruised cheek. “I promise I’ll make it up to you this time.”
“No Hyung, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault! You don’t ever have to make it up to me,” Changmin reassured. His heart pounded madly against his ribs as unregistered emotions hit him from all sides. Changmin couldn’t tell what he wanted to do more: scream? Hug his brother until neither of them could breathe? Cry rivers? “Hyung I miss you.”
But his words seemed to go unnoticed; Yongmin continued to speak as if he’d said nothing. “I really am sorry. If I was strong enough I could do what you ask of me but I’m not. I’m too weak to be anything that a good Hyung should be. I can’t-” A strangled cough cut off the boy’s words, shaking his entire body and forcing his eyes closed. Yongmin’s thin hand covered his mouth and was stained an angry red when it left. “I’m sorry Changmin-ah.”
The repeated apology tore at Changmin’s sanity as he watched his brother’s figure slowly fade. “HYUNG!! HYUNG!!” Hands reached out at thin air as they tried to grasp the last image of Yongmin he’d seen before it was too late. “HYUNG!!!”
oh! and changmin's part will be explained in the next chapter too <3
Length: [15/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae, Yoosu, Teukchul
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: i only own them in my dreams
Summary: In the breaking point of the Korean war, two brothers get drafted into the military and forced to fight for the lives. literally. punishment in camp 409 is just as unforgiving as its officers. attraction? frowned upon. affection? unheard of. love? strickly forbidden. But the training camp they thought they knew gets turned upside down when six of them decide to leave no rule left unbroken
Author's Note: whew... now that chapter 13 is over we can get back to some yunjae lovin! :D there is some teukchul in this chapter also though so... yeah, hopefully you aren't sick of them yet <3
{ Prologue} { Ch1} { Ch2} { Ch3} { Ch4} { Ch5a} { Ch5b} { Ch6} { Ch7} { Ch8} { Ch9a} { Ch9b} { Ch10} { Ch11} { Ch12} { Ch13a} { Ch13b} { Ch13c} { Ch13d}
Chapter 14
"Please don’t punish my brother Yunho,” he whispered as he stared straight into the Soryeong’s eyes.
“I won’t,” Yunho answered automatically. He finally moved his hand and touched Jaejoong’s cheek, cradling his face like a precious gem. “If it hurts you I won’t do it.”
Jaejoong sighed and melted into Yunho’s touch as relief flooded over him- his own relief. His lids slid closed and he fully took in the warmth radiating from the hand on his face. It was everything he needed at that moment, and the tenderness in Yunho’s touch went straight to his fluttering heart. Worry and guilt no longer existed in the small room and everything outside of its thin walls didn’t even matter. Even the still air surrounding them seemed to whisper Yunho… Yunho… Yunho… “It’s gone,” he breathed out with a smile.
“What’s gone?”
Yunho’s heated breath fanned out on his neck and sent delightful shivers down his spine. “I-it’s nothing…” he whispered. “Can I ask you for something?”
“Anything,” Yunho answered as he brushed the tip of his nose against Jaejoong’s pale neck. The trail was soon followed by his smirking lips. He still has my marks on him… Yunho thought. He knew those marks could very well lead to their downfall, but he couldn’t swallow the feeling of pride that came from gazing at the slightly purple patches of skin. He continued brushing his lips against the marks as he spoke. “Tell me what you want Jaejoong,” he purred.
“Can I have some paper?”
Yunho’s administrations came to an abrupt halt. “Paper?”
Jaejoong nodded.
“Um…” Yunho reluctantly pulled away from his lover, dumbfounded, and made a quick sweep of his eyes around the room, finding a few stray sheets of paper on the nightstand beside them. “What do you need it for?” he asked as he handed Jaejoong the paper.
“I just want to write another letter to my Umma,” the smaller man answered quietly.
“I doubt the other one you wrote has even been sent yet.”
Jaejoong’s downcast eyes focused on anything but the man in front of him. “I know, I just… It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. Please understand-”
A sad smile pulled at the corner of Yunho’s lips as he twisted a finger in Jaejoong’s raven colored hair. “Because it makes you feel better, right?”
“Right.” The smaller man let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He took the pen Yunho’s free hand offered with a quick smile. “It won’t take long, I promise.”
Yunho just hummed in acknowledgment and wrapped his arms around Jaejoong, resting his head on the latter’s thin shoulder as he began to write.
**~**~**~**~**
Dear Umma,
I know I wrote to you not all that long ago but something happened after I wrote that one and I kind of wanted to tell you about it. You probably won’t like what I have to say because you love your sons so much and-
**~**~**~**~**
“Jaejoong, you aren’t telling your Umma about what we did are you?” Yunho asked in a surprisingly adorably panic.
“No I’m not. Now stop reading over my shoulder.” He added a small smack to the officer’s arm to emphasize his point.
**~**~**~**~**
-and don’t want us getting into trouble; I just think that’s it’s an important thing for you to know. Anyway, I used to always hear you talking about how Junsu was your better son to Appa when you thought I was asleep. I want to apologize for that and also for telling you that the reason you thought he was your better son wasn’t even true. I didn’t know it myself until last night and I’m not entirely sure that Junsu did either. He’s in love with someone Umma, whether he wants to admit it or not. I can’t say who it is because I have no idea who might try to read this or who is reading it right now over my shoulder, (yes that is a hint to you Yunho) and you probably wouldn’t know who it was if I told you. I don’t even know them that much, but I can feel that they are a good person for Junsu. He was in denial about it though, and I think he still is to some degree. As for me, I’m not sure if I’m in love but… I definitely feel something that has never been there with other people. This guy, he’s… so different. I haven’t known him for more than a few days and, despite you telling me not to jump into things like this so quickly, I honestly believe that I would be lost without him. Call me crazy, but I think he feels the same way about me.
**~**~**~**~**
Jaejoong looked up from his writing to steal a glance at the person he mentioned, a pink tint gently shading his cheeks. To his relief, Yunho seemed to listen to his request and was currently focused on the silky strands that occupied his fingers. Jaejoong sighed.
**~**~**~**~**
This started off as nothing but lust toward each other, like you always said my relationships with other men would be. I never imagined that it would turn out like this Umma. We’ve never really talked about how we feel about each other (we’re so worried about getting caught all the time); it’s just there. I mean, sure we still have the physical thing between us, but it’s more than that now. At least it is to me. And… it hurts to know that you wouldn’t understand even if you were still here. I miss you Umma.
All of my love,
Jaejoong
**~**~**~**~**
Jaejoong set his letter aside, regaining Yunho’s attention and releasing a long sigh. “Yunho…”
“Yes?” the elder man asked in a voice as soft as the lips that grazed Jaejoong’s jaw line.
“What do you think of me?”
Yunho smiled. “I think you’re beautiful,” he answered as he left a light kiss on the place his lips had been.
And Jaejoong’s heart throbbed at the words. “You like the way I look?”
Another kiss a few centimeters away from the one before, another answer. “Of course.”
“Is that all you think about me?”
Yunho’s lips stilled and his hand pulled away from Jaejoong’s hair, his eyes asking so many questions he couldn’t bring himself to say. He trailed the back of his finger from the smaller man’s ear to the collar of his shirt before retreating completely back to his side. “No.” He paused and looked away. “I mean I think about that too but I just… I don’t know. We haven’t even known each other for a week yet Jaejoong, how am I supposed to think? I mean, yeah, of course I like you and I think about you… a lot… or else I wouldn’t be risking our asses to spend ten minutes with you, but…” He finally met Jaejoong’s expectant gaze, feeling the burn in his chest from knowing that he couldn’t give the younger man the answer he sought. “I guess I just don’t really know what you want me to say.”
Air slowly escaped it’s confinement in Jaejoong’s lungs and fluttered into the space between them. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t really know what I was looking for either,” he lied easily. The trainee had to admit to himself that it was a little ridiculous to expect Yunho to claim his undying love after such a short time together. For all he knew, Yunho only thought of him as a quick fuck to relief the sexual frustration that had built up over the years of being secluded with only homophobic men. Unless… No. He wouldn’t think of that right now; there wasn’t enough time for that. “How much longer do you think we have before someone comes in on us?” Jaejoong asked half-heartedly.
“I couldn’t tell you for sure but I doubt it’s very long.”
“When will we get a moment alone like this again?”
“We can never know for sure. Maybe in a few hours, maybe in a few weeks,” Yunho concluded with a soft sigh.
“I’m sorry…” Jaejoong muttered, claiming his bottom lip with his teeth. “I totally ruined our moment…”
But Yunho just smiled and stroked the trainee’s soft cheek again, his eyes radiating with something Jaejoong couldn’t quite place. “It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I think we could get our moment back with no problem at all.” He leaned in and put his face back against Jaejoong’s neck just as it was before with a new kind of glint in his black eyes. “You did lie to me earlier after all… And lying leads to punishment…” His lowered voice trailed off before he softly nipped Jaejoong’s earlobe, just hard enough to make the trainee gasp.
“You lied to me too!” Jaejoong claimed breathlessly as Yunho’s tongue began to work wonders on his sensitive flesh. He almost screamed when the officer pulled away.
“Lied to you about what?” he asked.
“You said you were taking me to Daeryeong Kim. Maybe I’m just blind, but I don’t see him anywhere around here.”
Yunho laughed against Jaejoong’s neck, sending delicious vibrations through their bodies. “Then I guess we’ll just have to punish each other.”
**~**~**~**~**
Changmin found himself giggling until he could hardly breathe over the smallest things. The bland white color of the bed sheets, the curtains that twisted themselves into knots to spell his name, and even the sound of his own laughter were just so hysterical! The high-flying Jungnyeong turned on his side, still giggling like a madman, and stared at the waving sheet of paper on the table beside him. Well didn’t that look like a kind sheet of paper? Changmin smiled at the paper, declaring it his new friend before reaching out to grab the white material. The ink-bound words danced around the page, putting on a show just for him. They are so sweet… Changmin pressed the paper to his chest and hugged it close to his body as if it would fly away if he let go. More giggles poured from his mouth, further mismatching his eyes and causing his nerves to scream in pain he couldn’t feel. “Eunhyukie my loooovely~” he called in English as he blew a kiss into the air.
The head medic came back into the room with a small plate of food in his hands. “What is it Changmin?”
“Meet my new best friend!” The young Jungnyeong exclaimed as he held out the piece of paper to Eunhyuk. “His name is YoungWoong!” The childish smile plastered on Changmin’s lips made him look twelve years old again; innocence written all over his bruised face.
“That’s nice Changmin.” Eunhyuk’s heart panged as he watched Changmin revel in his own little world of bliss. But… there was something a little bit off on the effects the cannabis seemed to have on the Jungnyeong. Did any of his other patients laugh this much? No, he couldn’t think about this now; Heechul was expecting so much paper work in such little time and his thoughts were scattered everywhere. Promising himself that he would come back to check on Changmin later, Eunhyuk placed the food on the small table beside the bed and exited the room.
When the medic was well out of sight, Changmin became vastly unfocused, just as if Eunhyuk had never come in. He turned again to lie on his back and watched colors explode from the ceiling before twisting their way down to him. Everything was just so… surreal. Yet he still continued to press the leaf between his teeth. As the bitter taste spread over his tongue, his body seemed to melt into the bed beneath him, becoming one. “So soft…” he cooed. It wasn’t this soft ten minutes ago… Then again, there wasn’t a young boy standing over him ten minutes ago either.
The boy’s skin was so, so pale- almost white with a blinding contrast to his chocolate brown hair and eyes. Changmin giggled even harder when he realized that some of the boy’s featured resembled his own, but yet were somehow vastly different. Dark circles framed the boy’s warm eyes as if he hadn’t had a good sleep in a very long time, and it seemed as if the life had been sucked out of them. Too dull to be the sixteen year old something told the Jungnyeong he was. Changmin knew that his own body was quite thin, but this boy appeared to take that trait to the extreme. He just looked… sick.
But the boy still gave Changmin a tired smile. “Hyung is sorry Changminnie,” he said, his voice echoing and distorted. He reached out a thin hand to brush Changmin’s hair away from his eyes, the touch making waves ripple through everything in sight. “I promised that I would take you to the park today but I never did. I say this every time you’ve asked me to take you somewhere and I guess I’m going to again: Umma said I was too sick to go outside. She said I had to stay in bed if I want to get better. And as soon as I am, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, no matter how crazy the place is.”
The swirling stopped. The giggles stopped. Time itself seemed to stop. Changmin couldn’t make his voice go above a faint whisper. “Yongmin-hyung?”
**~**~**~**~**
It was a deliberately slow advancement- a feather light kiss here, a gentle caress there- as they dangled over the edge of being discovered. But the danger of it all made the moment just that much more exciting.
Jaejoong was hypersensitive to Yunho’s every touch, whether it be with his fingers, lips, or tongue as Yunho gradually shifted to straddle his body. In that moment, he couldn’t think of anything he could have possibly wanted more than to feel the warm weight pushing him down against the thin white sheets of the officer’s bed. It was so forbidden, yet so sinfully delicious. Yunho kissed his awaiting lips gently at first, his tongue not yet asking for the entry that Jaejoong desired. How could he be going so damn slow at a time like this? He wanted Yunho to do anything that would grant him release of the scorching heat that gradually built in the pit of his stomach, anything to make him fly higher than he’d ever been.
Feeling the smaller man’s anxiousness, Yunho finally began to work with his tongue. He traced Jaejoong’s already parted lips as if to memorize every line of the delicious pink petals before diving in for the true prize. Just like the first time, sweetness exploded across his taste buds and spun his world upside down in the best way he could have ever imagined. Silk eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as he gradually deepened the kiss and tasted everything the smaller man had to offer. It was almost too much, but not quite enough.
When both men had used the last of their breath they were forced to break apart. They stared deep into each other’s eyes, hearts pounding from more than just the intensity of their kiss. Jaejoong unconsciously licked his kiss-swollen lips as he stared at his illicit lover. Nothing could keep him away from Yunho now, not even the empty space where the words “I love you” should be in his heart. It was too soon for love. Too soon… too soon… too…
A hand sliding under his shirt and lips once again connecting with his own broke apart every rational thought in the trainee’s mind. The soft hand wandered farther and his heart beat impossibly faster with each second that passed, his tongue no longer knowing what to do with itself. Only the sound of Yunho’s voice brought him back down to earth.
“Do you have any idea how crazy you made me when you were up against that wall last night?” Yunho groaned against Jaejoong’s kiss-swollen lips. “You couldn’t imagine how badly I wanted it to be me making you feel that way. You were just so beautiful…” He laughed slightly. “It’s funny how I’m jealous of something I couldn’t even see. But I guess that just proves how badly I want you Jaejoong…” The Soryeong’s words trailed off as his lips made their way down Jaejoong’s heaving torso, only to stop right at the waistline of those horrid green pants. Oh how he wanted that cursed piece of fabric to join the trainee’s shirt in the corner of his room.
How Jaejoong’s shirt ended up in that corner, he couldn’t tell you, but he was just as eager for his pants to come off as Yunho seemed to be. Even with all of the “special treatment” he had given his boyfriends, he’d never made any of them return the favor; he could never bring himself to make some one he thought he loved to do something that he personally hated doing regardless of how good it seemed to feel. And any sliver of sense telling him to stop Yunho fluttered away the second Yunho’s tongue made contact with the virgin skin between his hips. Rationality was just no longer an option.
His physical senses took over and a soft moan escaped his throat as Yunho slowly slid the last piece of putrid green fabric away from his skin. Jaejoong was lying before someone completely bare for the first time, nothing left to the imagination and everything on display for a man he hardly knew. I must’ve lost my damn mind… Jaejoong thought with a bitter laugh.
Yunho’s dark brown eyes looked up from the beautiful sight below him to stare into an even more beautiful face. “Something funny?” he asked with a slight smirk.
“You said that I drove you crazy… I think it might be the other way around.” He looked down at Yunho, his own member standing between them, and yet Jaejoong couldn’t find it in himself to want to cover his body.
Every drop of lust suddenly vanished from the officer’s dark eyes, his body straightening to pull away from the skin he desperately wanted to taste. “If you want me to stop all you have to do is say so.” But Jaejoong’s answer was nothing like what he expected.
“Don’t you dare stop.”
**~**~**~**~**
Fear in all its entirety crashed onto Leeteuk as he stood in the doorway of the Daeryeong’s room. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, could hardly even breathe. He recognized the unfocused eyes that stared at the ceiling. He recognized the slow deep breaths that made Heechul’s chest rise and fall like ocean waves. He recognized the rivers of crimson tears that poured from his loved one’s wrist and onto the floor- all of the things he thought they had left behind. Yet here it all was again, mocking them like a small child. He took a shaking step forward, holding his breath and praying that he would have the heart to keep going.
“Leeteuk.”
The hollow voice made the Jungnyeong instantly freeze again. His blood ran like ice through his veins and his entire body trembled. Nothing could have possibly made watching his love bleed his pain out okay. He didn’t want the sight before him to be real; he could hardly even wrap his mind around it. But it was all here and impossible to ignore. “How much?” he asked with a shaking voice.
“Mmm?”
“How much did you take Heechul?” Leeteuk was unsure of how he managed to move across the room to stand by Heechul’s side or why he would ask such a question instead of the standard ‘are you okay?’
Heechul blinked slowly and took a deep breath. “I don’t remember,” he muttered.
“I’m taking you to Eunhyuk.”
The Daeryeong laughed humorlessly and his head lolled to the side. “No you’re not.”
The slightly elder man’s face stiffened despite his tear-jerking worry as he stepped forward and put one arm under Heechul’s knees, the other behind his shoulders, and hauled the Daeryeong up anyway.
Everything became dangerously out of focus as Heechul was lifted in the air, a sharp gasp being torn from his throat. “Park Leeteuk you put me down right now!” he shouted.
Leeteuk almost smiled at the use of his full name instead of a hallow title but he ignored the order all the same. “I’m not putting you down until we get to the medical ward.” His once firm grip slackened when the small man in his arms began thrashing wildly to break free, smearing a long trail of red down the sleeve of Leeteuk’s shirt.
“I don’t feel any pain Leeteuk!” Heechul shouted, staring straight into Leeteuk’s eyes and breathing heavily.
The latter froze.
“You don’t understand… I need to be like this. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore.” Neither man said anything as minutes ticked by. Thick silence hovered around them as they looked into the gateway to each other’s soul for the first time in so long. Desperation shimmered in Heechul’s dilated eyes, silently pleading with Leeteuk to just let this go- let him feel free for just one moment. He was sick of being controlled, sick of being a disappointment, sick of being so stuck in the this world where he always had to follow in someone else’s shadow.
“You think you’re the only one in pain?” Leeteuk finally asked, his voice grave and unsympathetic. When he got no response, his words began to flow out on their own. “It hurts me too when you do things like this Chullie. I have to watch you suffer and know that I can’t do a damn thing about it. And every time I try to help you I just get pushed away even if we both know you can’t handle it on your own. I care so much about you… Everything you do affects me too. You can’t take it anymore, you don’t want to feel pain anymore.” A short, almost hysterical laugh escaped his lips. “Stop being so damn selfish.”
Heechul said nothing and let Leeteuk carry him to the medical ward without any further protest. He felt like he was eight years old again wrapped in the security of Leeteuk’s arms. The elder man’s scent washed over his blurry world, bringing with it an overwhelming sense of peace. “Leeteuk I’m cold…” he mumbled as he pressed further into his captor’s soft shirt and began to close his eyes.
But that one statement was enough to shatter Leeteuk’s calm demeanor. Panic welled up in his chest, his eyes widening and steps speeding up. “You’re cold?” he asked with a little more worry in his voice than he wanted to show.
Heechul’s cheek brushed against the Jungnyeong’s covered chest as he nodded.
“Chullie-ah, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep on me, okay?” Leeteuk asked quite frantically. The medical ward had only seemed father away once before, and that was a time he refused to remind himself of. He forgot about the blood that had been soaking through his shirt, only allowing himself to feel the slowing rhythm of the other man’s rising and falling chest.
**~**~**~**~**
“Yongmin hyung?” Changmin’s body trembled as he rested his bleary eyes on the face of a boy he hadn’t seen for over seven years. So many thoughts tried to enter his fogged up mind but nothing aside from deep sorrow registered. His chest tightened and tears formed in the Jungnyeong’s eyes, threatening to spill forth at any second.
“I know you’re upset with me Minnie but please don’t cry.” The drug-induced illusion put on a tired smile and stroked a weightless hand down Changmin’s bruised cheek. “I promise I’ll make it up to you this time.”
“No Hyung, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault! You don’t ever have to make it up to me,” Changmin reassured. His heart pounded madly against his ribs as unregistered emotions hit him from all sides. Changmin couldn’t tell what he wanted to do more: scream? Hug his brother until neither of them could breathe? Cry rivers? “Hyung I miss you.”
But his words seemed to go unnoticed; Yongmin continued to speak as if he’d said nothing. “I really am sorry. If I was strong enough I could do what you ask of me but I’m not. I’m too weak to be anything that a good Hyung should be. I can’t-” A strangled cough cut off the boy’s words, shaking his entire body and forcing his eyes closed. Yongmin’s thin hand covered his mouth and was stained an angry red when it left. “I’m sorry Changmin-ah.”
The repeated apology tore at Changmin’s sanity as he watched his brother’s figure slowly fade. “HYUNG!! HYUNG!!” Hands reached out at thin air as they tried to grasp the last image of Yongmin he’d seen before it was too late. “HYUNG!!!”
oh! and changmin's part will be explained in the next chapter too <3