(Untitled)

[courtneybrennan]

It may or may not be fair to mention that period #2 since Irene was born just started yesterday. Menstruating has been extremely weird postpartum: There isn't so much discomfort as just a feeling that something is off; the flow is very different; I feel WAY more emotional beforehand, and yet it isn't an obvious sign that my period is coming because

Comments

[brighten]

I've felt like this so many times. But somehow people keep wanting to be around me, so I€ know I can't be all bad. ;) I do know this: Irene will love you unconditionally, as will your family. We're all fallible people. We're imperfect. We're weird. We make mistakes. We hurt others unintentionally. We're made to be self-centered for self-preservation but that often gets perverted in our "civilized" society. Ultimately, I think we just have to figure out how to help others navigate us as we learn how to navigate ourselves, and beyond that we can work toward bettering ourselves through knowledge and wisdom. Yes, sometimes we backtrack or seemingly forget things we swear we once knew, but that's because we're human. To be human is to be a work in progress.

I love you, Courtney!

Are you writing anything these days? Or crocheting? Or sewing? Creative outlets are really important in keeping track of who we are and what gives us passion for life.

[courtneybrennan]

I love you, too! Thank you for reminding me I'm not the inventor of human suffering ;) I do do a lot of "projecting" these days. sometimes it's too much. and I want to go back to school and work on top of everything else? I must be crazy. the scholarship and job applications I was working on recently were a bit stressful. I had to keep finding time to go back and revise them, and it would distract me from being present with Irene, and plus I kept having to ask mom and dad for feedback and they are so busy lately. getting the work done was dependent on the schedules of others; that kind of got me down. I was feeling overwhelmed and whiny until it was all finally finished and sent off. but aside from that, I know I mentioned other struggles I am facing with my emotions lately. sometimes I feel so unloving ; I don't know why. and I will get REALLY defensive about everything when I'm like that. I bury myself deeper and deeper....

[tadpoleab]

Oh, Courtney! I didn't know you were feeling like this... you should come over and talk to me.. I honestly, truly, and whole-heartedly know exactly what you're feeling. I've been through it and gone through the ups and downs of postpartum life. It's the most confusing, lost feeling I have ever experienced and it was such a nightmare. I didn't understand why I felt so sad and lonely when I had so much love around me, plus my child. It's awful. please know that I'm here to talk. I won't give you advice if you don't need it and I won't try to act like I know exactly what you're going though -- because it's what YOU'RE going through. I can only empathize. I love you, sweety. give me a call.

[courtneybrennan]

I know--and I've read about all of the post-partum issues women have to face, especially all of the depression, and I never think that what I'm going through could be a normal thing. I guess I fight that notion a lot because I don't want the new normal to be the way it has been. why is it, though, when things get really heavy in my life it feels like it'll only get heavier when I share it with others? I wanted to drop all of my shit and try and be a helpful sister this weekend, too, not weigh you down.

okay, it's really weird, I keep planning to come to play group and visit you but suddenly I am sleeping in almost every morning! Jeff takes Irene out of the room to let me go back to bed; I must need the sleep bad. if I can get my butt out of bed by 8 tomorrow you will see me at the play group. I love you!

[supereleanor]

Well said sisters. I would like to echo the part about backtracking -- forgive yourself if you feel like you've lost something you feel you once had, maybe some innocence, maybe a connection to yourself or others. Once you can forgive, you can open the space to try to find it again. I can relate -- I feel like my life has been pretty busy lately, only feeling like it's getting busier. The best remedies I know of: Surrender, and Slow Down. Surrender to what your life is so that you can better flow with it and feel a part of it. Resistance is painful and takes a whole lot of energy, so try to find a dance in all that you need to be doing just to keep your life flowing (I know it's a lot to be doing...) And I also realize it's challenging to slow down, but those quiet moments, when you can truly allow yourself to find them, doesn't matter if it's only for a few minutes -- take them intentionally, maybe focus on one thing, like a leaf or something small. Go back to what's small. Feel small with it. Sometimes when I am brought to

[courtneybrennan]

I've experienced that with tears, too. tears feel so good sometimes. what's weird is when I feel like I really need to cry and flush thing out, but nothing seems to be able to come out. no words, no energy, no tears. this entry was my best attempy since nothing else was working (I could not find the quiet and it seemed like I couldn't slow down, either).

I'm glad you called me yesterday. it was nice to talk about babies and pregnancy and labor and growing things; all good stuff :]

[supereleanor]

And thanks for sharing your feelings.