Learning Curve- Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
"That was Amy Winehouse, they tried to make her go to rehab, but thrice she denied them, much like Simon Peter and Jesus Christ, and who else could come out with a comment like that other than me, Russell Brand! You are listening to my show, all mine, on BBC Radio 2, and here with me, keeping me down to Earth and true to life with his hypochondria, his cider and his constant loving, it's Matt Morgan! Hello Matt."
"Well hello Russell, how are you?"
"Faring quite well, thank you," Russell said, smiling at Matt jumping in with the question first, "And you?"
"I'm good, thanks. Well, apart from..."
"From what?" Russell asked eagerly, interestedly.
"Can I say it on air?"
"I dunno mate, I'm not too sure what you're on about. Go for it!"
"I am disturbed, by something I've just seen." Matt said evenly. Russell burst out laughing. "I walked into the studio fifteen minutes early," Matt continued, "And guess what I see happening on MY chair. Russell and his little boyfriend making each other excited, like frantic little teenage boys, desperately murmuring, 'Oh, how can this be wrong when it feels so right?!'"
"Oi! Less of the little!" Russell adopted his Westwood voice, "Noel Fieldin' is nothin' less than a real man, he is ma fella and-" He returned to his normal speaking manner, "You, Matthew Morgan, cannot blame me for your rubbish sense of being in the right place at the right time! And anyway, you can't talk, you've disgraced yourself!"
"Oh, now what've I done? Let me see that paper!"
Matt leaned over and they began a tug of war over Russell's list. Russell screeched as Matt knocked over a cup of coffee onto the desk, thankfully away from any electronics but soaking all the sheets of paper, the dark stain spreading across the writing and sticking the entire stack together.
"Oh, Matt, why?!" Russell wailed, but laughing, "He was spilt coffee all over the studio, soaking important documents, in some sort of caffeinated protest- oh Christ, it's all down me trousers..."
"That's not coffee," Matt smirked, instinct comeback.
"Matt Morgan, you disgust me." Russell said simply, "And what you said earlier: 'I could well have my own show, Russ, I could run this without you!'" Russell grunted in imitation of Matt, "Yes, Matthew, apart from the fact that this is not the Matt Morgan show, it's the Russell Brand show, and rakes in more listeners than your heavy metal ever could, because there just aren't enough drunkards out there for you, you silly boy!"
Matt just looked at Russell wordlessly, his grin breaking out into a laugh. "Coming up-" Russell broke off to let out a laugh and throw the cloth Nick had handed him at Matt to gesture that he would be the one cleaning up the spillage, "Coming up on the show we've got a global warming researcher called Shelia... Dickens I believe? I can't see due to Matt's pool of coffee."
"Yes, it's Dickens," Matt filled in.
"Well, perhaps a descendant of dear of Charles, who I allow to influence my life daily," Russell sniffed in his best dickensian voice, "Unlike Matthew, who are you trying to imitate? 'Eff this, eff that, rock and roll, I'm gonna pour me coffee everywhere!" He swapped from his Matt impression to a shaky, timid voice, 'Oh don't play a Robots in Disguise song, she won't like it, don't introduce her yet! I don't think that's a good idea, Russell!' Who are you, Lofty from Bob the Builder?!"
"She's the in other room, Russell, she just heard that, I hope she finds it funny."
"Who, Lofty?"
"Lofty's a boy, you stupid man."
"Aha! No! It's a crane! Do cranes have genders?! NO!"
"I meant Dee, Dee is in the other room!" Matt half-yelled, in order to end the insane dialogue.
"Later on we are going to have DEE PLUME in the studio, we will be talking to her about Robots in Disguise's latest album, live shows and her new found love... namely our own Matthew Morgan!" Russell grinned as he presented Matt out into the open. Matt shut his eyes and shook his head, trying not to burst out laughing. "By the way, we are live in L D N," Russell added, "Living it up, living it up, hard, fast and loud-"
"I think that last bit was a description of what you're wearing." Matt sniggered.
"Oi, I'm wearing a lovely jacket if you don't mind!" Russell said, wrapping the black and neon green bomber jacket, much larger than past choices, tighter around him, "We can put a photo of it on the website, can't we?" There was a general answering murmur from around the room, before Russell continued, "Course we can, it's the twenty-first century, we can do things with binary and html that are quite frankly astounding these days,"
He paused for breath for what seemed like the first time that show. It had been three weeks since the last show, as there hadn't been one the previous week due to Russell's utter exhaustion following the chaos of the fortnight. It had turned out that Chris Corner had been calling drunk and distraught from a phonebox, exaggerating his predicament. He had been diagnosed with cancer, but it had been caught in time to treat it. Realising the effects of the chemotherapy and radiotherapy would have on his professional and personal life, het up and in hysterics he had broken up with Sue, not wanting her to see him so weak and diminished. The night he called again, he had been so inebriated and desperate that he believed what he had told Sue was the truth: he truly felt like he was dying. Sue had rushed out to Berlin to be with him, and to help him through the treatment. He had proposed as soon as she arrived, and she had obviously accepted. Now alone in the house, Dee had moved in with Matt. Noel had been sticking to Russell like glue, they were test-driving the name Zachary, and the little bugger had learnt how to kick. Hard.
It did so now, Russell managing to disguise the grunt of pain with another laugh. He continued his banter with Matt until they could put on a song, when he began to fight back with 'Zachary' gently, pushing where there were kicks.
"Is that safe?" Matt asked cautiously. Russell snorted.
"When hypochondria spreads to other beings' health is when it gets scary, Matthew," Russell joked, before saying, "Yeah, it's fine, it's in that book, you can play with the baby as long as you're gentle. Go on Matt," He offered. Matt reached out an unsure hand then put it on the bump, feeling for the next kick. He pushed without much force when he felt it, a goofy smile spreading across his face.
"You're a lunatic, Russell," He breathed, smiling widely, "You're pregnant. It's mad."
"And isn't it fantastic!" Russell replied with a huge grin. Dee then entered the room and joined in too, followed some five minutes later by Noel, smiling and wet from the un-seasonal rain outside. Russell got to his feet and rushed over to him, hugging him gleefully. "You didn't say you were coming," He said.
"Thought I'd give you a little surprise," Noel replied, "Keep things interesting! Come here, I'm not missing out-" He put both hands on the bump and felt the beat against his palms.
"I'm sure it just started kicking quicker," Russell whispered.
"It knows its Papa," Noel whispered back, taking hold of Russell's hands and stealing a deep kiss. Dee and Matt, not wanting to miss out, also started kissing, and it took them all a few seconds too long to realise they where back on air.
"My oh my, never have I been surrounding by such beauty!" Russell exclaimed into the mic, brushing his hair out of his eyes, "I'm here with Matthew Morgan, Noel Fielding and Dee Plume, say hello everyone!"
"Hello!" They all chorused, wearing matching grins. Fueled by the ridiculously happy atmosphere, Russell churned out one of the best shows he had for quite some time.
* * *
"Goodbye Matt, Dee," Russell said at the exit, hugging Matt and kissing Dee's cheek, "See you soon?"
Dee fired two imaginary pistols from her hips and Matt tipped his hat before they turned and ran though the downpour to the waiting taxi. Russell turned to Noel, who was sharing an umbrella with him. "Put the umbrella down, please," Russell requested. Noel frowned.
"Why?"
"I like cliches," Russell smiled, pulling Noel into a kiss. The older man let the umbrella fall to their side and they kissed in the rain for what could have been a lifetime.
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Two