Blow Away The Ash- Part Three
Pairings: Sokka/Zuko, Azula/Zuko
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: self hatred, self harm, incest, sexual abuse, rape, victim arousal, eating disorders.
Summary: Every night, Zuko cries in his sleep. Sokka, who shares his tent, attempts to ignore it, but eventually he cannot, so he wakes Zuko to comfort him. Zuko tells Sokka all about what happened to him when he was young, and Sokka yearns to help him to heal.
Blow Away The Ash
Part Three
He steps into her bedroom, looking at her where she lies.
He eyes her flat chest. He can see her nipples through the thin silken material of her nightgown. He crosses to her bed to lean down and kiss her cheek. She stirs, and opens her eyes to look at him blearily.
"Daddy?" she says sleepily. He takes her little hands, murmuring,
"It's okay, baby girl, it's okay."
He makes her touch him. She's confused and cries, but he soothes her and kisses her, and tells her that this is their secret, because she's special.
She believes him, because not doing would hurt so much more.
*
Zuko shuns physical contact and affection. His uncle just wants to take him in his arms and comfort him, but Zuko can't bear to be touched, and in his misery he yells unkind things about Iroh not really caring about him, and just wanting to replace Lu Ten. Iroh receives the verbal abuse daily, and takes it gracefully, hoping that it will help his nephew find the release he needs. When the flesh is burned, the heat is trapped beneath the skin. With Zuko, this is not just physically: he is in intense emotional pain, and it can't escape from within him. Iroh thinks he knows why Zuko is so angry and unhappy, but in reality, he knows so little.
Having searched the air temples and found nothing to give any clue as to where the Avatar hides, Zuko resigns himself to the fact that the search ahead will be a long and arduous one. So he decides to commit himself to training. He rises early every morning, glad of waking as an escape from the nightmares, performing sit-ups and press-ups until he feels he's earned a drink of water and a minimal amount to eat. He practices fire-bending, sword-fighting and self-defence for the entire day, eating only if he feels like he is on the very point of collapse. Iroh worries, but lets him continue, thinking to stop him would make things worse.
Isn't even that Zuko is treating himself like this to lose weight; not yet, at least. He wants punishment. He feels guilty for what Azula did to him; dirty, sinful, grotesque. He abuses his body because he hates himself, and no one else will do it for him. He offered himself up to his father, would not have thought it unjust if he had set him entirely aflame. But Ozai served a punishment harder than death: Zuko has to live on, burned and scarred and burdened with the past.
Zuko's weight loss is fast, and drastic. But then it flatlines; leaving him lightly muscled, still with some stubborn fat around his hips, but slim otherwise. And whilst Zuko continues to work himself to exhaustion, he wants something physical to show for his exertion, for his self-punishment. He starts to hurt himself.
The first time he does it, it's almost an accident. He is sitting in his bath, rinsing the soap suds out of his hair. The warm water is swilling around his body, and he actually feels relaxed for once, but it doesn't last. He gets hard, and as he's dealing with it, masturbating fervently, his mind wanders to the eight-year-old Azula's face, the first time she touched him like this. He curses as he comes, hating himself so fiercely that the water begins to bubble with heat as his free hand flames under the surface. He sits up, breathing heavily, leaning over forward, water dripping from his face and hair. He takes one hand and puts it around his left forearm, squeezing tightly until the pressure makes faint pink marks on his skin. Suddenly, a flash of heat sears through his fingertips, and he yells and lets go at once. He looks at his arm, and sees dark fingerprints on the surface of his skin. He's burnt himself. He swallows, his heart hammering, then quickly gets out of the bath and wraps his robe around his body, so he doesn't have to look at any part of himself anymore.
He starts to test himself. He will press his fingers against the skin of his arms and see how much heat he can stand before he has to pull his hand away. He is covered in burns, and becomes addicted to inflicting them, loving the emotional release it gives him, so starts burning himself elsewhere, on his stomach, his hips, his thighs. He lets himself eat more regularly now he has found his new release: it is punishment enough. One morning, when Zuko rises from the table having managed to eat a proper breakfast, Iroh's hand darts out and grips a tight hold around Zuko's wrist.
"What have you done to yourself?" Iroh demands sternly, turning Zuko's arm so that the small, circular burns are visible. Zuko tears his arm out of his uncle's grip.
"I have accidents while fire bending," he snaps angrily, "Sorry I suck, okay! I don't need reminding!"
"I'm sorry, Zuko," Iroh apologises, his hand falling to his side, "I just want you to take better care of yourself."
Zuko feels ashamed at shouting, knowing his uncle was only concerned, and bows his head.
"I'm sorry, uncle. I'll be more careful."
"Good," Iroh says. Zuko is about to leave, when his uncle comments, "It's good to see you eating more, though. You need the weight you've put on."
Zuko feels as though his heart has fallen into his stomach, and is being consumed by acid. His face palens, and he turns back to sneer,
"Of course, we should all aspire to be as fat as you, old man," before running out of the room into the corridors of the ship, his boots clanging against the metal of the floor.
*
"I can't believe I said that to him," Zuko mutters, rubbing his face with his hands. Sokka looks at him, head tilted.
"Hey, he loves you. He knew you were having a really difficult time. He can't have held it against you."
"It was cruel. And who cares if my uncle's fat? I don't. I remember, when I was a little kid… he would hug me, and I'd rest my head against his stomach, and he was so warm and soft, and I just felt safe. Not like my father; he was harsh lines and sharp angles, and I can't remember if he ever hugged me. So if I don't judge my uncle's body, why do I judge my own?"
"So this is an ongoing thing," Sokka says softly. It makes more sense now, Zuko's sparse eating and his sensitive stomach, upset by very little.
"I don't know," Zuko replies, "I guess… I can't tell you about now without telling you more about then, but it's… it's just difficult."
"I get it," Sokka soothes, "But, Zuko, I just wanted to say… thank you for telling me any of this. For trusting me. It means a lot. You're a good friend."
Zuko looks at Sokka, and smiles a tiny smile.
"Thanks, Sokka. You are too."
They share something for a moment, before Aang's voice brings them out of their reverie.
"Sokka! Katara wants help with lunch! And Zuko! Come help me with fire bending!"
Zuko shrugs, and Sokka gets up, reaching out a hand to help him to his feet. Sokka hesitates for a moment, then gives a quick hug to Zuko, putting his mouth to his ear.
"We'll talk this evening, okay? And if you're not ready, just say, and we'll talk another time. Take as long as you need."
"Thank you," Zuko murmurs, then runs to Aang, Sokka watching him as he goes.
*
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: self hatred, self harm, incest, sexual abuse, rape, victim arousal, eating disorders.
Summary: Every night, Zuko cries in his sleep. Sokka, who shares his tent, attempts to ignore it, but eventually he cannot, so he wakes Zuko to comfort him. Zuko tells Sokka all about what happened to him when he was young, and Sokka yearns to help him to heal.
Blow Away The Ash
Part Three
He steps into her bedroom, looking at her where she lies.
He eyes her flat chest. He can see her nipples through the thin silken material of her nightgown. He crosses to her bed to lean down and kiss her cheek. She stirs, and opens her eyes to look at him blearily.
"Daddy?" she says sleepily. He takes her little hands, murmuring,
"It's okay, baby girl, it's okay."
He makes her touch him. She's confused and cries, but he soothes her and kisses her, and tells her that this is their secret, because she's special.
She believes him, because not doing would hurt so much more.
*
Zuko shuns physical contact and affection. His uncle just wants to take him in his arms and comfort him, but Zuko can't bear to be touched, and in his misery he yells unkind things about Iroh not really caring about him, and just wanting to replace Lu Ten. Iroh receives the verbal abuse daily, and takes it gracefully, hoping that it will help his nephew find the release he needs. When the flesh is burned, the heat is trapped beneath the skin. With Zuko, this is not just physically: he is in intense emotional pain, and it can't escape from within him. Iroh thinks he knows why Zuko is so angry and unhappy, but in reality, he knows so little.
Having searched the air temples and found nothing to give any clue as to where the Avatar hides, Zuko resigns himself to the fact that the search ahead will be a long and arduous one. So he decides to commit himself to training. He rises early every morning, glad of waking as an escape from the nightmares, performing sit-ups and press-ups until he feels he's earned a drink of water and a minimal amount to eat. He practices fire-bending, sword-fighting and self-defence for the entire day, eating only if he feels like he is on the very point of collapse. Iroh worries, but lets him continue, thinking to stop him would make things worse.
Isn't even that Zuko is treating himself like this to lose weight; not yet, at least. He wants punishment. He feels guilty for what Azula did to him; dirty, sinful, grotesque. He abuses his body because he hates himself, and no one else will do it for him. He offered himself up to his father, would not have thought it unjust if he had set him entirely aflame. But Ozai served a punishment harder than death: Zuko has to live on, burned and scarred and burdened with the past.
Zuko's weight loss is fast, and drastic. But then it flatlines; leaving him lightly muscled, still with some stubborn fat around his hips, but slim otherwise. And whilst Zuko continues to work himself to exhaustion, he wants something physical to show for his exertion, for his self-punishment. He starts to hurt himself.
The first time he does it, it's almost an accident. He is sitting in his bath, rinsing the soap suds out of his hair. The warm water is swilling around his body, and he actually feels relaxed for once, but it doesn't last. He gets hard, and as he's dealing with it, masturbating fervently, his mind wanders to the eight-year-old Azula's face, the first time she touched him like this. He curses as he comes, hating himself so fiercely that the water begins to bubble with heat as his free hand flames under the surface. He sits up, breathing heavily, leaning over forward, water dripping from his face and hair. He takes one hand and puts it around his left forearm, squeezing tightly until the pressure makes faint pink marks on his skin. Suddenly, a flash of heat sears through his fingertips, and he yells and lets go at once. He looks at his arm, and sees dark fingerprints on the surface of his skin. He's burnt himself. He swallows, his heart hammering, then quickly gets out of the bath and wraps his robe around his body, so he doesn't have to look at any part of himself anymore.
He starts to test himself. He will press his fingers against the skin of his arms and see how much heat he can stand before he has to pull his hand away. He is covered in burns, and becomes addicted to inflicting them, loving the emotional release it gives him, so starts burning himself elsewhere, on his stomach, his hips, his thighs. He lets himself eat more regularly now he has found his new release: it is punishment enough. One morning, when Zuko rises from the table having managed to eat a proper breakfast, Iroh's hand darts out and grips a tight hold around Zuko's wrist.
"What have you done to yourself?" Iroh demands sternly, turning Zuko's arm so that the small, circular burns are visible. Zuko tears his arm out of his uncle's grip.
"I have accidents while fire bending," he snaps angrily, "Sorry I suck, okay! I don't need reminding!"
"I'm sorry, Zuko," Iroh apologises, his hand falling to his side, "I just want you to take better care of yourself."
Zuko feels ashamed at shouting, knowing his uncle was only concerned, and bows his head.
"I'm sorry, uncle. I'll be more careful."
"Good," Iroh says. Zuko is about to leave, when his uncle comments, "It's good to see you eating more, though. You need the weight you've put on."
Zuko feels as though his heart has fallen into his stomach, and is being consumed by acid. His face palens, and he turns back to sneer,
"Of course, we should all aspire to be as fat as you, old man," before running out of the room into the corridors of the ship, his boots clanging against the metal of the floor.
*
"I can't believe I said that to him," Zuko mutters, rubbing his face with his hands. Sokka looks at him, head tilted.
"Hey, he loves you. He knew you were having a really difficult time. He can't have held it against you."
"It was cruel. And who cares if my uncle's fat? I don't. I remember, when I was a little kid… he would hug me, and I'd rest my head against his stomach, and he was so warm and soft, and I just felt safe. Not like my father; he was harsh lines and sharp angles, and I can't remember if he ever hugged me. So if I don't judge my uncle's body, why do I judge my own?"
"So this is an ongoing thing," Sokka says softly. It makes more sense now, Zuko's sparse eating and his sensitive stomach, upset by very little.
"I don't know," Zuko replies, "I guess… I can't tell you about now without telling you more about then, but it's… it's just difficult."
"I get it," Sokka soothes, "But, Zuko, I just wanted to say… thank you for telling me any of this. For trusting me. It means a lot. You're a good friend."
Zuko looks at Sokka, and smiles a tiny smile.
"Thanks, Sokka. You are too."
They share something for a moment, before Aang's voice brings them out of their reverie.
"Sokka! Katara wants help with lunch! And Zuko! Come help me with fire bending!"
Zuko shrugs, and Sokka gets up, reaching out a hand to help him to his feet. Sokka hesitates for a moment, then gives a quick hug to Zuko, putting his mouth to his ear.
"We'll talk this evening, okay? And if you're not ready, just say, and we'll talk another time. Take as long as you need."
"Thank you," Zuko murmurs, then runs to Aang, Sokka watching him as he goes.
*