Blow Away The Ash- Part Four
Pairings: Sokka/Zuko, Azula/Zuko
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: self hatred, self harm, incest, sexual abuse, rape, victim arousal, eating disorders.
Summary: Every night, Zuko cries in his sleep. Sokka, who shares his tent, attempts to ignore it, but eventually he cannot, so he wakes Zuko to comfort him. Zuko tells Sokka all about what happened to him when he was young, and Sokka yearns to help him to heal.
Blow Away The Ash
Part Four
There is only once, before Zuko's banishment, that Azula surprises him.
She is under him, having flipped over once he was inside, so he's on top. She looks straight at him, and commands in a low voice,
"Hit me."
Zuko stares at her. She has hit him many times, and bit him and scratched him, but she has always dominated, and never wanted Zuko to exert any power over her whatsoever. She bucks her hips against him, and hisses again, "Hit me!"
He brings back his hand and slaps her across the face. She gasps at his hit, and commands him, "Harder! Harder!"
He hits her harder, then again, and again. She draws herself up to him and whispers in his ear,
"Tell me what a dirty whore I am. Tell me I'm a whore who deserves to be punished."
"You're a whore," Zuko croaks, "You need to be punished. I'm going to punish you."
With that, he smacks her so hard across her face that blood spurts from her nose. She cries out in orgasm, then falls back into the bed, pushing Zuko off her. He's so overwhelmed by what has happened that he starts to cry, as he hasn't done when in bed with Azula in years.
"Don't be a baby, Zuko," she mutters, her eyes shut, "It's me who should be crying."
Zuko gets out of the bed, and dresses, and leaves.
*
Zuko struggles to find the equilibrium. He flickers between days of rigorous training and total starvation, and days of lying in bed all morning, drifting in and out of nightmares, unable to find the will to rise, and eating anything that is offered him, out of misery. There is no balance, no point in between. He contemplates his reasons for even wanting this. When he was still in the palace, he knows that he overate for comfort, and gained weight as a defence mechanism against Azula. He was more attractive to her when he was thin, so within his subconscious, he wanted to make himself repulsive to her.
However, it isn't that he is trying to make his body attractive. He wants to go beyond attractive, to become so thin that he disgusts Azula, or anyone else. He feels as though he never wants to be seen in a sexual capacity again, he wants to be a tiny little boy. He wants to disappear. He wants to cease to exist.
Zuko stays in this state for all the three years he is onboard his ship, never getting to either end of the scale, remaining unhappy and angry in the middle. But then he sees the flare in the sky; and his body is hidden beneath armour, and the Avatar becomes his passion, his focus, his drive. Zuko almost forgets Azula. He doesn't consider what she will do if he does capture the Avatar, and regain his honour, and return home.
*
As Zuko speaks, he and Sokka lie opposite one another, each facing the other. Sokka shuffles a bit closer when Zuko's voice grows quit, and when the prince's throat thickens with sadness, Sokka puts a comforting arm around him. By the time Zuko has finished speaking, he is nestled against Sokka's chest, and Sokka is embracing him protectively. Neither of them pull away.
"Sokka?" Zuko whispers eventually.
"Yeah?"
"Can we… can we stay like this, for a while?"
"Sure," Sokka says softly.
"Can we sleep like this?" Zuko asks tentatively, his voice quiet and sleepy.
"Yeah," Sokka murmurs.
"Thanks," Zuko says. Sokka looks at Zuko, then inches a bit closer to him, so their eyes are level. Zuko's expression is totally open, trusting, like Sokka's never seen before. Sokka shuts his eyes, and without a word or a second thought places a gentle kiss upon Zuko's lips. Zuko returns it for a brief moment, then buries his head into Sokka's chest.
"Goodnight, Zuko," Sokka says. Zuko says nothing, already asleep.
*