FIC: Our Hearts Are Heavy and Light.
Title: Our Hearts are Heavy and Light
Ratings/Warnings: G through NC-17; Explicit Sexual Content, Character Death
Characters: Sirius Black, Lily Evans, and various others [mainly James Potter and Remus Lupin]
Pairings: Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 3,813
Note: Cross-posted to lily_centric, sirius_het, and minor_pairings. 50 sentences written for 1sentence. It was hard, but fun. As the challenge is writing one sentence for each prompted theme, BE WARNED: HORRIBLE abuse of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dashes. I apologize, and I ask you to look past that as you read. That said, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. ♥
Disclaimer: All characters and things you recognize belong to the genius that is J.K. Rowling.
.comfort (companion to tears).
When Sirius holds her, the tears slow to a stop, but Lily finds, somewhat surprisingly, that she doesn’t want to let him go regardless-she wants him to hold her forever instead.
.kiss.
The first time she kisses him, it’s nothing but innocent, it’s nothing like their future kisses, and it takes him by surprise-but it affects him just as much as any other, because it’s the start of everything.
.soft.
Lily’s skin is softer than any other girl’s he has ever touched, Sirius thinks, and he wishes that he could just stay like this forever.
.pain.
It hurts more than Sirius would ever like to admit to himself (like someone has taken a knife to his gut and cut a jagged line across) when he has to look James in the eye and pretend that he didn’t just spend the past hour alone with Lily Evans.
.potatoes.
“Don’t you even dare, Black,” Lily warns, fighting her laugh, as Sirius lifts his fork filled with potatoes as though he plans to launch it toward her, “because if you get food in my hair, I’ll hex off part of your body that you’ll sorely miss,” and she narrows her eyes seriously; Remus chuckles and says, “You better listen to her, Sirius, you know she’ll do it,” and both Remus and Lily laugh together at the look of horror on Sirius’s face at the thought of losing his most important bits.
.rain.
They stumbles into the Three Broomsticks clutching their cloaks and laughing, and they’re completely soaked because it’s raining outside; Lily glances over at Sirius and his hair is dripping over his face, droplets clinging to the point of his nose and the ends of his long eyelashes, and she thinks that he’s never looked as sexy as he does wet with rain.
.chocolate.
“Here, eat this, it will make you feel better,” Sirius says as he hands her a small piece of chocolate, and when Lily looks at him skeptically, her eyebrows raised and her lips twitching, he adds with a wink, “trust me-and if you can’t trust me, trust Moony, because he’s the one who told me about it.”
.happiness.
Lily looks at Sirius when he doesn’t think anyone is, when he thinks he has a moment to let his emotions run rampant over his face, and she feels a rip in her chest like her heart is being pulled in two different directions when she sees pain, doubt, and guilt marring his beautiful features; “Sirius,” she asks, “are you sure--?” but Sirius says, “Shh,” and silences her with his lips, and then continues, whispering against her skin, “Don’t ask me to second guess this, because I don’t want to think, I want to feel; I’m happy to just enjoy this moment, right here, right now, with you.”
.telephone.
At first he doesn’t care about the rain, but after awhile he decides to take refuge in the telephone booth on the corner to wait for her; when Lily comes out to meet Sirius she squeezes into the telephone box with him, not caring that when she hugs him she gets soaked, too, because all that matters is that she hold him and he hold her and that they both are there, in the flesh, for each other.
.ears.
“Well,” Sirius asks with a smirk and a wink as he tucks his hair behind his ears and reveals the new silver hoop through the left one, “what do you think, Evans-Muggle girls love a pierced bloke, don’t they?”
.name.
In public they call each other by their surnames in order to keep up their façade of distaste, but in private she can call him Sirius and he can call her Lily, like intimate nicknames.
.sensual (companion to touch).
Sirius and Lily, they don’t always need to have sex; when they’re together, their senses are overfilled with each other, with the sights and sounds and tastes and scents and touch (and fuck, when he touches her skin and she touches his, it’s more sexual and arousing than any other physical act they could do) of simply being together, Lily and Sirius.
.death (companion to sun). (Credit to “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd for the inspiration for this sentence.)
There’s a running mantra in his head, like a recurring dream in his desperate isolation (I wish you were here) that keeps him up at night and won’t let him breathe during the day (year after year).
.sex.
At first, their relationship was strictly physical (he loved it when she rode him, her head thrown back as she screamed; she loved it when he fucked her from behind, both of them trying to stay silent so they wouldn’t be found), and the first time it happened was purely accidental (the result of a smuggled bottle of firewhiskey and two lonely, vulnerable, horny teenagers), but they soon found that the one unintentional night was not enough for either of them; the meetings became purposeful, and then they grew longer as Sirius Black and Lily Evans found that they could be content with talking or even silence after they’d make love, until it was less about the sex and more about the people they found inside the bodies (the people they found they could love).
.touch (companion to sensual).
His fingers are electric on her skin, spreading like wildfire down her body as he holds her on the counter against the wall and his hands explore her, playing her body like a piano with perfect forte until she’s gasping against the shell of his ear.
.weakness.
There are times when Sirius really regrets becoming involved with Lily Evans-times when he looks in the mirror and sees a weak man fallen victim to that deadly sin of the flesh, times when he wants to come clean to James because the guilt is eating him alive, times when he almost breaks it off because he can’t take the demons he’s fighting anymore-but then she kisses him again and none of it matters anymore; when Lily touches him, all the pain melts away and Sirius feels whole again, if only for a little while.
.tears (companion to comfort).
It doesn’t matter that they aren’t very close (yet), or that he doesn’t know who hurt her or why (she won’t say, and he doesn’t push)-when Sirius Black finds Lily Evans sobbing and alone, he reaches out to her and she comes to him, both of them without a second’s hesitation; he lets her cry on his shoulder for as long as she needs and she lets him hold her close for as long as he wants.
.speed.
Whenever Lily needs him, Sirius will be there in a heartbeat-though it no longer should, Lily is still amazed and surprised at the speed with which Sirius Black can be there for her, and she’ s so far beyond grateful that she really doesn’t know how to put into words what she feels.
.wind.
With Lily seated across the lake under a tree, her head turned to the right as she watches the sunset and the wind gently pulling her long red hair in front of her face, it takes every ounce of willpower Sirius has to avoid staring at her beauty.
.freedom.
The one thing Sirius hates about this … relationship, affair, this … this thing with Lily Evans is that he doesn’t have the freedom to kiss her in the hallways or make love to her in his bed (but on the other hand, he loves the rush he gets every time they’re fucking in the boys room and almost get caught).
.life.
It may be Gryffindor recklessness in him (the danger turns them both on, he knows), or it may be the thrill of doing what (who) he shouldn’t, or it may be that Lily is good at what she does (teasing him, touching him, sucking him, fucking him), or it may simply be that he has gone mad (lost his mind somewhere in her body)-whatever the case, he doesn’t care, because Sirius Black has never felt so wonderfully alive as when he’s inside Lily Evans.
.jealousy.
He has to pretend he doesn’t care when James talks about her as if she is already his, act like it doesn’t faze him when James ogles her in the corridors, act like it doesn’t bother him when James wonders what it would be like to kiss her or when James imagines how he would fuck her (worse, he has to pretend he doesn’t know what that feels like when he wishes instead that he could tell James just to shut him up)-and every night he kisses her roughly in a hidden corridor just to prove to himself that she is his.
.hands.
Lily loves Sirius’ hands: they are large enough to fit just right wherever he puts them, but not big enough to feel as if she’s too small; they are soft enough to make her skin tingle, but rough enough to make her moan; they are light enough to tell her how he worships her, but heavy enough to show her how he possesses her-yet even when he’s not using them to touch her, when he’s gripping his wand or brushing the hair out of his eyes or even when he’s not doing anything at all with them, Lily Evans fucking loves Sirius Black’s hands.
.taste.
“God, Lily, you taste so fucking good,” Sirius says against her skin as he trails rough kisses down her body, then licks between her thighs in a way that makes her toes curl and her hands clench in his hair and her mouth widen in a not-so-silent gasp, and Sirius just chuckles against her.
.devotion.
“What do you care?” Lily scoffs as she picks up her pace so that Sirius has to run to catch up with her again, “I’m just a fuck-buddy to you, aren’t I, just one of your many conquests-God, I can’t believe I fell for your bloody charm,” she chastises herself and stops, putting her hands to her forehead; Sirius takes advantage of the pause and steps in front of her, taking her hands gently away from her face as he says, “No, Lily, you don’t understand-it’s-it’s not like that, I swear it’s not just the sex it’s-it’s you, I like you-” but Lily still looks skeptical, so Sirius, thinking quickly, blurts, “I’ll prove it: we’ll spend time together, but we won’t have sex, not until you say, even if it takes weeks-we’ll just talk, Lily, I promise-please?”; Lily raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything for a moment, secretly enjoying the way Sirius is looking at her with pleading, puppy-dog eyes and it’s almost enough to make her change her mind, but she’s enjoying herself too much and she wants to see if he can actually do it-if he can prove to her that she means more to him than just great sex; finally she nods slightly and says “Fine” as she turns on her heel and walks away before his pleased-with-himself grin will make her regret it.
.forever.
“I can’t promise you this forever … you know that, right?” Sirius whispers against her lips, half-hoping she’ll stop him now but praying that she won’t; Lily nods against his forehead and replies, “I don’t need forever, I don’t want forever … I don’t even know what forever really means-all I need is this moment, right now, and then we can live this life day by day.”
.blood.
Lily grinds her hips in his lap and kisses him harder, taking his bottom lip between her teeth until Sirius tastes blood; Sirius simply chuckles against her-one of his favorite things about Lily Evans is that when she is horny and impatient, her passion overrides everything and spilles over the brim of her senses (they were very much alike in that manner, Sirius and Lily).
.sickness.
“… for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold until death do you part?” says the Ministry wizard, and then waits for Lily Evans to reply; it takes her a moment, a split second that feels like forever as her eyes stray to Sirius’ before slipping back to James (and she wishes right then that she could have them both because she hates having to choose between the two), and when she finally says “I do” it takes all her willpower to keep her eyes off Sirius Black because she knows that if she looks into those eyes again she’ll see his heart breaking and she won’t be able to stand the pain.
.melody. (Credit to “Melody” by the Rolling Stones for the inspiration for this sentence.)
When Sirius walks into the bathroom to find Lily in James’ arms, his whole world shatters and he feels angry and hurt and jealous and alone-but he doesn’t, he can’t do anything about it because he shouldn’t have any reason to be envious in the first place.
.star (companion to sky).
“Which one is yours?” she whispers, and he takes her hand and points it out; Lily smiles and says, “It suits you well,” for she is unsurprised to find that Sirius is the brightest star in the sky.
.home.
Never before had Sirius felt that he belonged, not even at James’ parents’ house (that had been more like a prolonged stay-over than anything else), until he realized one night as Lily lay to top of him that this, with her heart beating right above and along with his, was the closest to home that he had ever come.
.confusion.
After the first time anything goes past that first innocent kiss for Sirius and Lily (his tongue circling hers while his fingers circle much lower) Lily treats him like nothing more than a friend for a week and a half, like nothing ever happened between them, until he finds himself pulled into the second floor girls bathroom and she’s kissing him again as if it did.
.fear.
“I just don’t know what to do,” Sirius whispers, as though afraid voicing his fears aloud will make them realer than they already are in his mind; it is two in the morning and Lily Evans is sitting cross-legged on the couch in the common room with Sirius Black’s head in her lap as he lays stretched out in front of her; she combs her fingers through his hair gently as he looks up into her face, his gray eyes telling her of the guilt and anguish in his heart, and the sight nearly breaks hers, and then he adds, “I’m afraid of losing James if we keep this up, of losing my best friend-I almost feel like I’m cheating on him, because I know it would kill him if he knew about us-but on the other hand, I think if I keep my best friend it means I lose you, and I don’t think I could bear that either …” Sirius trails off and turns his face into her stomach; Lily leans over him and kisses the top of his head, wishing she could kiss away the pain as well.
.lightning/thunder.
Lily Evans is the only woman who would kiss him in the middle of the a thunderstorm-driving rain soaking them both and ruining her hair, loud booms and claps of thunder ringing in their ears, bolts of lightning striking just out of range-and find the danger of it exhilarating, and Sirius loves her all the more for it.
.bonds.
“Patience, patience,” she chides and then winks, enjoying her power-play as Sirius curses, “Fuck, Lily, come on … I need to touch you…” and struggles against the bonds that hold his hands securely to the bedpost and just out of reach of her body; she can tell he enjoys it, too, despite his complaints, because he can’t keep that small hint of his sexy, mischievous smile hidden.
.market.
She told him where to meet her: on a Muggle market street in London, where no one would know them and no one would wonder why Sirius Black and Lily Evans were out alone, together, and without Remus Lupin or James Potter, Peter Pettigrew or Marlene McKinnon-people would only see a dark-haired boy and a red-headed girl and think absolutely nothing of it.
.technology.
“It’s called a Walkman,” Lily says as Sirius turns the device over and over in his hands, examining it with an excited, child-like gleam in his eye, “but it’s basically just a portable cassette player, and you listen through these headphones-here, try it,” and she hands Sirius the headphones, turns it on for him, and then watches and laughs as the music blasts through the headphones over his ears and Sirius begins to mimic the guitar on the tape with his hands, strumming an invisible instrument and rocking back and forth, his hair falling forward over his face and into his eyes.
.gift.
And every year on the anniversary of their deaths-every year that he could, anyway; it killed him that it couldn’t be every single year-he would leave a poppy flower on her grave, the single one amid all the lilies from those who seemed to think that the lily was perfect because it was her namesake, from those who didn’t know how she hated them-from those who never really knew her at all-and it was his gift to her, and he knew that wherever she was she would understand; it was their secret, their symbol, their life.
.smile.
She loves and hates his smile, because Sirius Black has the most beautiful accidental smile in the world, she thinks, but it’s dangerous and intoxicating because it seems that when Sirius Black smiles she can’t help but do stupid things.
.innocence.
After a long night of studying and talking, five students fall asleep in various positions around the fire in the Gryffindor common room; somehow Lily Evans ends up lying on the couch with her head against Sirius Black’s shoulder, one of his arms wrapped around her, and their fingers entwined on his chest-when they both awake in the morning, thankfully before any of the others, neither Mr. Black nor Miss Evans can explain how they got that way.
.completion.
“Fuck … nngh … Lily … wait … too good … I’m gonna-fuck, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop,” Sirius pants, but she only nods, chuckles around him, and takes him deeper, and when she reaches under her chin to fondle his balls he stops trying to hold back and allows her to drive him to completion.
.clouds.
During a break in classes, the five of them-James besides Lily, Sirius beside her, Remus beside him, and Peter beside him-lay fanned out in a circle on a hill behind James’ house, simply watching the clouds float by in near-silence, with James or Sirius breaking it with a joke or lewd remark about the shape of a cloud every now and then, and with all of their attentions directed toward the sky, no one but Sirius notices when Lily curls her fingers around his and squeezes just slightly.
.sky (companion to star).
James is asleep when Sirius sneaks out to the Astronomy Tower to meet Lily, and when he arrives she is already there, leaning against the stone with her face turned toward the night sky; Sirius comes up quietly behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her temple softly.
.heaven.
Sometimes they just sit up talking; other times they explore each other’s bodies as intricately as if it’s the first time, but either way, when Lily falls asleep against his chest, her breathing running even with his and her hand over his heart, Sirius feels a contentment he used to think he’d never know.
.hell.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispers; Lily looks at him, fighting desperately to keep the tears in her eyes from falling, then says, almost as simple as though she were saying hello, “Fuck you, Black,” and she turns on her heel and walks out, taking out more of her anger on the door by slamming it shut behind her, and when she’s gone, Sirius slides down the wall and stares at the door his lover walked out (part of him wanting to run after her and take it all back-kiss her if he has to, right there in front of everyone, just to make her remember-but the rational part knows her well enough to know that at this point it wouldn’t do any good anyway), her words ringing in his ears-it hurts and it burns, but more than anything else the sting of his surname spat like bile from her lips is like a poison in his veins heading straight for his heart.
.sun (companion to death).
If he can see the sunset, when it’s red and pink and orange and purple and beautiful as she was, he thinks of Lily Evans and how much she used to love them, and it hurts like heaven and hell all over again (I wish you were here).
.moon.
“I can’t tonight,” he whispers against her lips, “Moony needs me there; it’s been brutal this month,” and he kisses her softly again; Lily nods her understanding against his forehead because she knows Remus Lupin will always come first for Sirius, and she has accepted that.
.waves.
The waves that ebb and flow against the stone walls fill the soundtrack of his desolate life now-that, and the coughing, sputtering, vomiting, and muttering of the damned and the mad, his fellow prisoners-but after awhile the waves starts to sound like her breathing, like Lily Evans as she was in life, and he can almost feel her chest against his when he sleeps (and in his weakest moments he is almost convinced he can feel her warmth once again).
.hair.
When he cocks his head to the side, and his beautiful hair falls into his eyes, and he grins that crooked, devilish, simply Sirius grin, Lily falls in lust with him all over again-and he knows it.
.supernova.
Lily Evans is no virgin and nor (it becomes very clear very fast to her) is Sirius Black, but the first time they have sex together he brings her to the brink and back several times, using his mouth and his fingers with skill she’s certainly never experienced before, until she’s scratching his back and murmuring curses that only make him laugh; he hitches her right leg over his shoulder when he enters her, passing over her clit with each thrust, so when the unfulfilled need that had been building up in her stomach finally explodes, it nearly takes her by surprise with its force and sheer pleasure-it takes several minutes for her orgasm to fade away, and when it does and Sirius has moved out of her, Lily is left feeling agitated and empty and wanting more of Sirius Black.
Ratings/Warnings: G through NC-17; Explicit Sexual Content, Character Death
Characters: Sirius Black, Lily Evans, and various others [mainly James Potter and Remus Lupin]
Pairings: Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 3,813
Note: Cross-posted to lily_centric, sirius_het, and minor_pairings. 50 sentences written for 1sentence. It was hard, but fun. As the challenge is writing one sentence for each prompted theme, BE WARNED: HORRIBLE abuse of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dashes. I apologize, and I ask you to look past that as you read. That said, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. ♥
Disclaimer: All characters and things you recognize belong to the genius that is J.K. Rowling.
.comfort (companion to tears).
When Sirius holds her, the tears slow to a stop, but Lily finds, somewhat surprisingly, that she doesn’t want to let him go regardless-she wants him to hold her forever instead.
.kiss.
The first time she kisses him, it’s nothing but innocent, it’s nothing like their future kisses, and it takes him by surprise-but it affects him just as much as any other, because it’s the start of everything.
.soft.
Lily’s skin is softer than any other girl’s he has ever touched, Sirius thinks, and he wishes that he could just stay like this forever.
.pain.
It hurts more than Sirius would ever like to admit to himself (like someone has taken a knife to his gut and cut a jagged line across) when he has to look James in the eye and pretend that he didn’t just spend the past hour alone with Lily Evans.
.potatoes.
“Don’t you even dare, Black,” Lily warns, fighting her laugh, as Sirius lifts his fork filled with potatoes as though he plans to launch it toward her, “because if you get food in my hair, I’ll hex off part of your body that you’ll sorely miss,” and she narrows her eyes seriously; Remus chuckles and says, “You better listen to her, Sirius, you know she’ll do it,” and both Remus and Lily laugh together at the look of horror on Sirius’s face at the thought of losing his most important bits.
.rain.
They stumbles into the Three Broomsticks clutching their cloaks and laughing, and they’re completely soaked because it’s raining outside; Lily glances over at Sirius and his hair is dripping over his face, droplets clinging to the point of his nose and the ends of his long eyelashes, and she thinks that he’s never looked as sexy as he does wet with rain.
.chocolate.
“Here, eat this, it will make you feel better,” Sirius says as he hands her a small piece of chocolate, and when Lily looks at him skeptically, her eyebrows raised and her lips twitching, he adds with a wink, “trust me-and if you can’t trust me, trust Moony, because he’s the one who told me about it.”
.happiness.
Lily looks at Sirius when he doesn’t think anyone is, when he thinks he has a moment to let his emotions run rampant over his face, and she feels a rip in her chest like her heart is being pulled in two different directions when she sees pain, doubt, and guilt marring his beautiful features; “Sirius,” she asks, “are you sure--?” but Sirius says, “Shh,” and silences her with his lips, and then continues, whispering against her skin, “Don’t ask me to second guess this, because I don’t want to think, I want to feel; I’m happy to just enjoy this moment, right here, right now, with you.”
.telephone.
At first he doesn’t care about the rain, but after awhile he decides to take refuge in the telephone booth on the corner to wait for her; when Lily comes out to meet Sirius she squeezes into the telephone box with him, not caring that when she hugs him she gets soaked, too, because all that matters is that she hold him and he hold her and that they both are there, in the flesh, for each other.
.ears.
“Well,” Sirius asks with a smirk and a wink as he tucks his hair behind his ears and reveals the new silver hoop through the left one, “what do you think, Evans-Muggle girls love a pierced bloke, don’t they?”
.name.
In public they call each other by their surnames in order to keep up their façade of distaste, but in private she can call him Sirius and he can call her Lily, like intimate nicknames.
.sensual (companion to touch).
Sirius and Lily, they don’t always need to have sex; when they’re together, their senses are overfilled with each other, with the sights and sounds and tastes and scents and touch (and fuck, when he touches her skin and she touches his, it’s more sexual and arousing than any other physical act they could do) of simply being together, Lily and Sirius.
.death (companion to sun). (Credit to “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd for the inspiration for this sentence.)
There’s a running mantra in his head, like a recurring dream in his desperate isolation (I wish you were here) that keeps him up at night and won’t let him breathe during the day (year after year).
.sex.
At first, their relationship was strictly physical (he loved it when she rode him, her head thrown back as she screamed; she loved it when he fucked her from behind, both of them trying to stay silent so they wouldn’t be found), and the first time it happened was purely accidental (the result of a smuggled bottle of firewhiskey and two lonely, vulnerable, horny teenagers), but they soon found that the one unintentional night was not enough for either of them; the meetings became purposeful, and then they grew longer as Sirius Black and Lily Evans found that they could be content with talking or even silence after they’d make love, until it was less about the sex and more about the people they found inside the bodies (the people they found they could love).
.touch (companion to sensual).
His fingers are electric on her skin, spreading like wildfire down her body as he holds her on the counter against the wall and his hands explore her, playing her body like a piano with perfect forte until she’s gasping against the shell of his ear.
.weakness.
There are times when Sirius really regrets becoming involved with Lily Evans-times when he looks in the mirror and sees a weak man fallen victim to that deadly sin of the flesh, times when he wants to come clean to James because the guilt is eating him alive, times when he almost breaks it off because he can’t take the demons he’s fighting anymore-but then she kisses him again and none of it matters anymore; when Lily touches him, all the pain melts away and Sirius feels whole again, if only for a little while.
.tears (companion to comfort).
It doesn’t matter that they aren’t very close (yet), or that he doesn’t know who hurt her or why (she won’t say, and he doesn’t push)-when Sirius Black finds Lily Evans sobbing and alone, he reaches out to her and she comes to him, both of them without a second’s hesitation; he lets her cry on his shoulder for as long as she needs and she lets him hold her close for as long as he wants.
.speed.
Whenever Lily needs him, Sirius will be there in a heartbeat-though it no longer should, Lily is still amazed and surprised at the speed with which Sirius Black can be there for her, and she’ s so far beyond grateful that she really doesn’t know how to put into words what she feels.
.wind.
With Lily seated across the lake under a tree, her head turned to the right as she watches the sunset and the wind gently pulling her long red hair in front of her face, it takes every ounce of willpower Sirius has to avoid staring at her beauty.
.freedom.
The one thing Sirius hates about this … relationship, affair, this … this thing with Lily Evans is that he doesn’t have the freedom to kiss her in the hallways or make love to her in his bed (but on the other hand, he loves the rush he gets every time they’re fucking in the boys room and almost get caught).
.life.
It may be Gryffindor recklessness in him (the danger turns them both on, he knows), or it may be the thrill of doing what (who) he shouldn’t, or it may be that Lily is good at what she does (teasing him, touching him, sucking him, fucking him), or it may simply be that he has gone mad (lost his mind somewhere in her body)-whatever the case, he doesn’t care, because Sirius Black has never felt so wonderfully alive as when he’s inside Lily Evans.
.jealousy.
He has to pretend he doesn’t care when James talks about her as if she is already his, act like it doesn’t faze him when James ogles her in the corridors, act like it doesn’t bother him when James wonders what it would be like to kiss her or when James imagines how he would fuck her (worse, he has to pretend he doesn’t know what that feels like when he wishes instead that he could tell James just to shut him up)-and every night he kisses her roughly in a hidden corridor just to prove to himself that she is his.
.hands.
Lily loves Sirius’ hands: they are large enough to fit just right wherever he puts them, but not big enough to feel as if she’s too small; they are soft enough to make her skin tingle, but rough enough to make her moan; they are light enough to tell her how he worships her, but heavy enough to show her how he possesses her-yet even when he’s not using them to touch her, when he’s gripping his wand or brushing the hair out of his eyes or even when he’s not doing anything at all with them, Lily Evans fucking loves Sirius Black’s hands.
.taste.
“God, Lily, you taste so fucking good,” Sirius says against her skin as he trails rough kisses down her body, then licks between her thighs in a way that makes her toes curl and her hands clench in his hair and her mouth widen in a not-so-silent gasp, and Sirius just chuckles against her.
.devotion.
“What do you care?” Lily scoffs as she picks up her pace so that Sirius has to run to catch up with her again, “I’m just a fuck-buddy to you, aren’t I, just one of your many conquests-God, I can’t believe I fell for your bloody charm,” she chastises herself and stops, putting her hands to her forehead; Sirius takes advantage of the pause and steps in front of her, taking her hands gently away from her face as he says, “No, Lily, you don’t understand-it’s-it’s not like that, I swear it’s not just the sex it’s-it’s you, I like you-” but Lily still looks skeptical, so Sirius, thinking quickly, blurts, “I’ll prove it: we’ll spend time together, but we won’t have sex, not until you say, even if it takes weeks-we’ll just talk, Lily, I promise-please?”; Lily raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything for a moment, secretly enjoying the way Sirius is looking at her with pleading, puppy-dog eyes and it’s almost enough to make her change her mind, but she’s enjoying herself too much and she wants to see if he can actually do it-if he can prove to her that she means more to him than just great sex; finally she nods slightly and says “Fine” as she turns on her heel and walks away before his pleased-with-himself grin will make her regret it.
.forever.
“I can’t promise you this forever … you know that, right?” Sirius whispers against her lips, half-hoping she’ll stop him now but praying that she won’t; Lily nods against his forehead and replies, “I don’t need forever, I don’t want forever … I don’t even know what forever really means-all I need is this moment, right now, and then we can live this life day by day.”
.blood.
Lily grinds her hips in his lap and kisses him harder, taking his bottom lip between her teeth until Sirius tastes blood; Sirius simply chuckles against her-one of his favorite things about Lily Evans is that when she is horny and impatient, her passion overrides everything and spilles over the brim of her senses (they were very much alike in that manner, Sirius and Lily).
.sickness.
“… for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold until death do you part?” says the Ministry wizard, and then waits for Lily Evans to reply; it takes her a moment, a split second that feels like forever as her eyes stray to Sirius’ before slipping back to James (and she wishes right then that she could have them both because she hates having to choose between the two), and when she finally says “I do” it takes all her willpower to keep her eyes off Sirius Black because she knows that if she looks into those eyes again she’ll see his heart breaking and she won’t be able to stand the pain.
.melody. (Credit to “Melody” by the Rolling Stones for the inspiration for this sentence.)
When Sirius walks into the bathroom to find Lily in James’ arms, his whole world shatters and he feels angry and hurt and jealous and alone-but he doesn’t, he can’t do anything about it because he shouldn’t have any reason to be envious in the first place.
.star (companion to sky).
“Which one is yours?” she whispers, and he takes her hand and points it out; Lily smiles and says, “It suits you well,” for she is unsurprised to find that Sirius is the brightest star in the sky.
.home.
Never before had Sirius felt that he belonged, not even at James’ parents’ house (that had been more like a prolonged stay-over than anything else), until he realized one night as Lily lay to top of him that this, with her heart beating right above and along with his, was the closest to home that he had ever come.
.confusion.
After the first time anything goes past that first innocent kiss for Sirius and Lily (his tongue circling hers while his fingers circle much lower) Lily treats him like nothing more than a friend for a week and a half, like nothing ever happened between them, until he finds himself pulled into the second floor girls bathroom and she’s kissing him again as if it did.
.fear.
“I just don’t know what to do,” Sirius whispers, as though afraid voicing his fears aloud will make them realer than they already are in his mind; it is two in the morning and Lily Evans is sitting cross-legged on the couch in the common room with Sirius Black’s head in her lap as he lays stretched out in front of her; she combs her fingers through his hair gently as he looks up into her face, his gray eyes telling her of the guilt and anguish in his heart, and the sight nearly breaks hers, and then he adds, “I’m afraid of losing James if we keep this up, of losing my best friend-I almost feel like I’m cheating on him, because I know it would kill him if he knew about us-but on the other hand, I think if I keep my best friend it means I lose you, and I don’t think I could bear that either …” Sirius trails off and turns his face into her stomach; Lily leans over him and kisses the top of his head, wishing she could kiss away the pain as well.
.lightning/thunder.
Lily Evans is the only woman who would kiss him in the middle of the a thunderstorm-driving rain soaking them both and ruining her hair, loud booms and claps of thunder ringing in their ears, bolts of lightning striking just out of range-and find the danger of it exhilarating, and Sirius loves her all the more for it.
.bonds.
“Patience, patience,” she chides and then winks, enjoying her power-play as Sirius curses, “Fuck, Lily, come on … I need to touch you…” and struggles against the bonds that hold his hands securely to the bedpost and just out of reach of her body; she can tell he enjoys it, too, despite his complaints, because he can’t keep that small hint of his sexy, mischievous smile hidden.
.market.
She told him where to meet her: on a Muggle market street in London, where no one would know them and no one would wonder why Sirius Black and Lily Evans were out alone, together, and without Remus Lupin or James Potter, Peter Pettigrew or Marlene McKinnon-people would only see a dark-haired boy and a red-headed girl and think absolutely nothing of it.
.technology.
“It’s called a Walkman,” Lily says as Sirius turns the device over and over in his hands, examining it with an excited, child-like gleam in his eye, “but it’s basically just a portable cassette player, and you listen through these headphones-here, try it,” and she hands Sirius the headphones, turns it on for him, and then watches and laughs as the music blasts through the headphones over his ears and Sirius begins to mimic the guitar on the tape with his hands, strumming an invisible instrument and rocking back and forth, his hair falling forward over his face and into his eyes.
.gift.
And every year on the anniversary of their deaths-every year that he could, anyway; it killed him that it couldn’t be every single year-he would leave a poppy flower on her grave, the single one amid all the lilies from those who seemed to think that the lily was perfect because it was her namesake, from those who didn’t know how she hated them-from those who never really knew her at all-and it was his gift to her, and he knew that wherever she was she would understand; it was their secret, their symbol, their life.
.smile.
She loves and hates his smile, because Sirius Black has the most beautiful accidental smile in the world, she thinks, but it’s dangerous and intoxicating because it seems that when Sirius Black smiles she can’t help but do stupid things.
.innocence.
After a long night of studying and talking, five students fall asleep in various positions around the fire in the Gryffindor common room; somehow Lily Evans ends up lying on the couch with her head against Sirius Black’s shoulder, one of his arms wrapped around her, and their fingers entwined on his chest-when they both awake in the morning, thankfully before any of the others, neither Mr. Black nor Miss Evans can explain how they got that way.
.completion.
“Fuck … nngh … Lily … wait … too good … I’m gonna-fuck, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop,” Sirius pants, but she only nods, chuckles around him, and takes him deeper, and when she reaches under her chin to fondle his balls he stops trying to hold back and allows her to drive him to completion.
.clouds.
During a break in classes, the five of them-James besides Lily, Sirius beside her, Remus beside him, and Peter beside him-lay fanned out in a circle on a hill behind James’ house, simply watching the clouds float by in near-silence, with James or Sirius breaking it with a joke or lewd remark about the shape of a cloud every now and then, and with all of their attentions directed toward the sky, no one but Sirius notices when Lily curls her fingers around his and squeezes just slightly.
.sky (companion to star).
James is asleep when Sirius sneaks out to the Astronomy Tower to meet Lily, and when he arrives she is already there, leaning against the stone with her face turned toward the night sky; Sirius comes up quietly behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her temple softly.
.heaven.
Sometimes they just sit up talking; other times they explore each other’s bodies as intricately as if it’s the first time, but either way, when Lily falls asleep against his chest, her breathing running even with his and her hand over his heart, Sirius feels a contentment he used to think he’d never know.
.hell.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispers; Lily looks at him, fighting desperately to keep the tears in her eyes from falling, then says, almost as simple as though she were saying hello, “Fuck you, Black,” and she turns on her heel and walks out, taking out more of her anger on the door by slamming it shut behind her, and when she’s gone, Sirius slides down the wall and stares at the door his lover walked out (part of him wanting to run after her and take it all back-kiss her if he has to, right there in front of everyone, just to make her remember-but the rational part knows her well enough to know that at this point it wouldn’t do any good anyway), her words ringing in his ears-it hurts and it burns, but more than anything else the sting of his surname spat like bile from her lips is like a poison in his veins heading straight for his heart.
.sun (companion to death).
If he can see the sunset, when it’s red and pink and orange and purple and beautiful as she was, he thinks of Lily Evans and how much she used to love them, and it hurts like heaven and hell all over again (I wish you were here).
.moon.
“I can’t tonight,” he whispers against her lips, “Moony needs me there; it’s been brutal this month,” and he kisses her softly again; Lily nods her understanding against his forehead because she knows Remus Lupin will always come first for Sirius, and she has accepted that.
.waves.
The waves that ebb and flow against the stone walls fill the soundtrack of his desolate life now-that, and the coughing, sputtering, vomiting, and muttering of the damned and the mad, his fellow prisoners-but after awhile the waves starts to sound like her breathing, like Lily Evans as she was in life, and he can almost feel her chest against his when he sleeps (and in his weakest moments he is almost convinced he can feel her warmth once again).
.hair.
When he cocks his head to the side, and his beautiful hair falls into his eyes, and he grins that crooked, devilish, simply Sirius grin, Lily falls in lust with him all over again-and he knows it.
.supernova.
Lily Evans is no virgin and nor (it becomes very clear very fast to her) is Sirius Black, but the first time they have sex together he brings her to the brink and back several times, using his mouth and his fingers with skill she’s certainly never experienced before, until she’s scratching his back and murmuring curses that only make him laugh; he hitches her right leg over his shoulder when he enters her, passing over her clit with each thrust, so when the unfulfilled need that had been building up in her stomach finally explodes, it nearly takes her by surprise with its force and sheer pleasure-it takes several minutes for her orgasm to fade away, and when it does and Sirius has moved out of her, Lily is left feeling agitated and empty and wanting more of Sirius Black.