[Fic] Someone Like You - 3/11
Title: Someone Like You
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four
***
Uncle Lee was not much changed from what Henry remembered. He still commanded respect in the way that all powerful, frightening men did. Donghae walked into the room slow, confident, tossing a carefree smile at Eunhyuk that rang utterly true and so very false. There was an anxiety in Donghae, the way he held his head that maybe wasn’t really obvious. But Henry saw it.
“He doesn’t look much older than he did,” Uncle Lee said, as they stopped in front of him, his eyes flicking up Henry’s body. “If he’s been making pretty with my girls all this time, he must be the same as you remember.”
“Yeah,” Donghae said, pulling Henry against him. “He’s as tight as I remember.”
Donghae’s fingers spread out over his crotch without warning, squeezing lightly but obviously. He couldn’t help the twitch of his hips. He hoped everyone took it as a twitch toward and not a twitch away. Donghae laughed, pressing Henry’s face close.
“Hey, baby, don’t be shy...” Donghae crooned, earning laughter from some of the men. From his place against Donghae’s neck, he could almost feel Donghae lift his head to stare at Uncle Lee. “He didn’t think about what would happen when he found me,” he said, and there was a smirk in his voice.
Ironically, Donghae was right. He hadn’t thought about how nice it would be to strangle Donghae when they had been reunited.
“How do you feel, now that Donghae took you back? You were a persevering little kid, I’ll give you that. We’d have found someone to take you if Donghae hadn’t been willing.”
The man’s face was jovial with amusement at the thought, and it made Henry sad for them both. That their futures had been shaped by this person.
“Good,” Henry replied simply, ringing Donghae’s wrist with his hand. The tendons in that arm stood out against Henry’s fingers.
“Keep him satisfied, Donghae. Keep him close. You know how to do it.”
Keep him in the dark, was more like it, Henry thought. And their audience was over.
Donghae was silent on the drive back to the house, Eunhyuk chatting about what they might have for dinner. Donghae didn’t even hesitate as they walked in, taking Henry’s elbow and pulling him toward the bedroom that had been his prison. He barely had time to look around at the room outside before Donghae had closed the door behind them. He seemed agitated, throwing his jacket to the side.
“Am I still tight as you remember?” Henry asked snidely, unable to help himself, and was shocked when Donghae laughed.
“At least as tight as that hooker you found.”
That stopped Henry cold. “What? Thanks! And what about you?”
“I’m fine, thanks,” Donghae said, wrinkling his nose nearly into a sneer.
“Why would you even say something like that? Why does it matter who...”
“I needed the respect of those men,” Donghae interrupted, “and they weren’t going to give it if they think I submit to anything or anyone.”
Were they really having this conversation? Really? He didn’t even know what Donghae was thinking, feeling, and sexual preferences somehow had shot to the top of the topic list?
“So you liking being on the bottom is a sign of weakness?”
Donghae met his eyes. “To them. It’s not exactly seen as a position of control is it? You do it because you like it, or because you need it, or because you trust someone enough to admit the first two. But you never tell your subordinates.”
“Which was it for you? Because you liked it?” He felt almost as though he were accusing Donghae of something. But on the other hand, he was curious. Curious to know, because Donghae’s answer was relevant to him. Had Donghae trusted him with that, been aware of that, then? Or had it just been the way things were?
“Who would you have told?” Donghae asked, shaking his head. “It didn’t matter what you knew about me. It’s not like there was anyone else.”
“You...” Henry swallowed. “In your relationships since then, you topped?”
“Before and after. No other choice. I couldn’t trust anyone. Even making sure I was screwing outside of the organization, I couldn’t be sure. So I guess the real statement is that I’m probably as tight as you remember, because there was no one ever but you.”
“You trusted me that much?” It shocked him, to think that he had been the only one, that seeing Donghae’s face clutch in pleasure beneath him had been something he and he alone had experienced. Even while the thought of Donghae having relationships stung. They had both tried to move on.
Maybe he should tell him. Maybe he should say that with the hooker, he hadn’t...
“There isn’t a lot I wouldn’t have done for you,” Donghae said. “So feel free to tell them you’re on top next time we’re there. I’ll just expound on what a great little rider you are.”
He had worked this long, this hard, just for Donghae to throw back accusations at him? That he would jeopardize everything Donghae had worked so long for? Of course, for all Donghae really knew, Henry had come back for revenge. Maybe for Donghae that would’ve been easier to deal with. Fury spurted up in him. “Do you think I would put you in danger like that? You tell me you trust me, and you think I would...”
Donghae was staring at him coolly even as Henry drew himself to his full height, glaring down at Donghae.
The heat of it burned away just as quickly as it had passed as he realized that his reaction had been what Donghae had been seeking.
“You make me so angry, Donghae.”
A glint of humor lit Donghae’s eyes before he looked away. “Don’t misunderstand. It’s fun. You looked ready to throw me down and claim what was yours.”
“Do you want that? You need to tell me things. I feel like I can’t help you unless I know what’s going on. I don’t want to be a hindrance to your position. I didn’t look for you this long just to put you in danger.”
There, he’d said it. Even if Donghae’s face was still turned from him and he couldn’t see what reaction he had garnered.
“Don’t worry about that. They got one look at your baby face and figured I’d found something to keep well pleased at home.”
He shrugged, helpless. “And now you insult me.”
“It’s not an insult. I clearly liked that face or we’d have never been together to begin with. And with your hair cut, you don’t look twelve any more and more like the hot man I saw behind that, so yeah. If I didn’t have things to worry about, I’d let you pick me up in a bar and take me home.” Donghae shook his head, letting his hands relaxed from the fists they had balled into. “But I do have things, so it’s strictly professional.”
“You groping me is professional?” Henry demanded.
“It’s an act. I didn’t say I couldn’t enjoy it.”
***
Donghae felt a thrill as the words sank into Henry, the understanding of it. An act, his mind scoffed. As much an act as breathing is. Henry’s posturing, trying to puff himself up had been so... After the strain of dragging him out in front of that bastard, who had known Donghae wouldn’t have wanted to bring Henry. The wily man remembered too well years before, how Donghae had wanted to protect Henry even then. But this, this was different. Henry was so dependent on him now, more than he ever had been before. Maybe part of that was Donghae’s fault. Maybe if he’d warned Henry off better it wouldn’t have come to what they were dealing with. But it was too late for that, and Henry stared at at Donghae with eyes that were full of mistrust.
That was good. He shouldn’t trust Donghae. There wasn’t much left to trust.
He reached out, ready to shove Henry out of the way, but Henry wasn’t having it, pushing back and shocking him.
“It’s always what you want?” Henry demanded.
“Yeah,” Donghae said, trying again to push by, making for the bed, when all of Henry’s weight crashed against him, and they fell together onto the mattress. “What the hell are you doing?”
They rolled, hips and elbows and ribs squashing each other as they fought to orient themselves.
Their chins crashed together painfully, and so accidentally, their lips... It took all of two seconds to figure it out, mouths seeking and desperate and heated... He sucked on the luscious bottom lip, nibbling just hard enough for pain. Henry tilted his head, breaking his hold and giving himself just enough leverage to launch his own invasion of Donghae’s mouth. Donghae remembered the first time they had kissed like this, Henry’s back bent over the arm of the couch as Donghae clambered on top of him, their mouths eager and bruising and awkward, all inhibitions carried away in the delightful alcoholic haze. He hadn’t planned it that way... Really he hadn’t planned to kiss Henry at all, but how could he have resisted that mouth. And then to watch those eyes blur with pleasure only minutes later...
Donghae pushed away, the sound of their lips parting loud above their breathing. He groaned, rolling off of the edge of the bed and rummaging in the bedside table until he found what he was looking for. Whisky. Despite the burn, he held it in his mouth long seconds before spitting into the garbage can.
“What’s wrong?” Henry asked, and Donghae made the mistake of looking up. Henry had turned onto his side, inviting the eyes to slide along the long torso and onto his hips, his legs. What was wrong? There were so many things. He had once mapped every inch of that body with his hands and mouth, and it was a foreign thing to him now. As were Henry’s shadowed eyes.
“You taste the same,” he said hoarsely, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. And he had done everything he could to erase it from his memory.
“Really?” Henry asked as though curious. “I don’t remember what you tasted like.”
Their eyes locked. The truth, he wondered, or a cleverly crafted bullet.
“I shouldn’t stay here tonight,” Donghae said, standing. “I’ll send in Eunhyuk. Maybe that’s for the best.”
“And if I can’t resist him?”
There was some kind of a threat in that, as if Henry was saying if Eunhyuk came in, there would be no resisting. It angered him on so many levels.
“That’s my friend,” he spat out, wheeling around. “I know you’re angry at me, but you can’t take it out on him. He was there for me when I couldn’t have...”
“Someone to screw around with? Or maybe you used him like that, too.”
“Don’t say that! It wasn’t like that for you and me.”
“I only know what it was like for me.”
It made him ill inside. And he had no weapon but the truth.
“Eunhyuk talked to me when... “ When he would cry, when he was so lonely for Henry that he thought he would die inside, when he thought it had to be for the best... “I would think... Surely it isn’t fair that I would have to give you up, when I could hear your voice, or see your fingers on the neck of your violin... But then I would think about how many people that man had hurt, torn away from their families, and destroyed their lives. I was just one person, and there were so many...”
“So they were more important than me.”
He looked up to retort, but found no reason to, as the wall that had hidden Henry’s thoughts from him had begun to shimmer.
“I cared about you too much to see you involved. You were a mess after Hankyung was shot, and all the time he was in the hospital I kept thinking how terrible it was. And that if you stayed with me, it could be you. I could be the reason you were hurt or killed.”
“And now you can’t even share a bed with me?”
“You think that’s a good idea after what just happened?”
“One kiss? I think you shouldn’t run away from your responsibilities. If you want me safe, then see to it yourself.” Donghae stared as Henry pulled back the covers, swiveling to remove his socks. “If you send Eunhyuk in, I’ll send him back out.”
“Why?”
His only answer was a sigh as Henry pulled the blanket up to his shoulders, his back to the middle of the bed.
He hated that he could see himself crawling into that bed, wrapping his arms around the sturdy body, breathing Henry in and kissing a trail up that soft neck. He curled under the blanket much as Henry had, with his back toward him. And wished the whisky had done its job at taking the taste away.
***
“I don’t remember what you tasted like,” he had told Donghae. It was a peculiar kind of lie. True, the remembrance of it had faded quite a bit over time. Not even his memory could hold that kind of detail. But it hadn’t been many moments into the kiss, feeling Donghae against him, to sent the memories flooding through him, as though it had been only moments before. Hearing Donghae’s tipsy giggle. Feeling Donghae’s tipsy giggle. And all the other sounds and textures, the taste of him. Resisting Donghae had become almost impossible. He had once though of Donghae as being like glue, always near him, but it went beyond that. Seeing delight flash over that face had the unique ability to make him respond as he never had to anyone before. Spending more time together almost than they did apart. It wasn’t all about sex, though that was good. But he wasn’t so out of touch with his emotions that he hadn’t known love when it crept up on him.
He wasn’t privy to those smiles any more. And he wanted to think that was because Donghae hid them from him, rather than the thought that they might not exist any more. Because they had to, somewhere. Maybe if he tickled Donghae into a laugh, or…
But he might get punched for his trouble. He sighed, rolling over on the bed, staring at the empty side where Donghae had slept. He was so close. He didn’t even know what to think of the kiss. On one hand, yeah, he was happy it had happened. It was part of what he had wanted, in the end. And he had no small bit of hope. Donghae’s reaction had not been one of indifference. In fact, it had been eager and intent. As though maybe he still wanted Henry with even part of what he used to. And it was good that they had stopped. Things were fragile enough between them. Though maybe getting sweaty would break some of the barriers they kept putting up by sniping at each other.
Or maybe it’d just make things worse. He needed to focus on understand Donghae’s life as it was now, and thinking of how he could help. It was only then that he might have a shot at doing what he wanted. There was that little part of him inside that had never really forgiven Donghae for leaving, and especially not the way he had. He had wondered bitterly for a time if everything had been a lie, if Donghae had said all the things he had just to keep Henry satisfied and in his bed. But the genuine fear, the pains he had taken to protect Henry called out Henry’s fears as a lie. Donghae hadn’t lied to him about that. Not then. The only lie he had told was when he had said he would meet Henry in Canada, because he hadn’t. So yeah, he was still angry. But he wasn’t going to let that anger keep him from Donghae. They had places to go with each other. He had spent years convinced of that.
***
Eunhyuk remembered the first day he had heard Tablo’s name. Just casually mentioned among the men at his uncle’s house. He’d thought, huh, that’s odd. And when he’d found out the man was a cop, odd had turned to distaste. A cop betraying everything he should stand for.
At least, that was what he’d thought until he’d met Donghae. Donghae who’d actually introduced him to Tablo, with the dark smirking eyes and the sort of dry speech and the way he could sort of stare off into space as though someone could see thoughts accumulating behind his eyes.
He also remembered the first time a gun had been put into his hands. He’d been twenty, and his mother had been unable to convince his uncle that keeping her son out of the business was good any longer. Donghae called him Uncle Lee, but he really was Eunhyuk’s uncle.
He’d been Hyukjae one day, Eunhyuk the next. College dreams, to nightmares of guns.
And oh, he had long since given up on stopping the nightmares. When bullets flew, and men shouted. Donghae, with his earnest eyes and idealistic plans, sitting at the kitchen table between Eunhyuk and Tablo, had really saved him. In the whole convoluted, almost evil empire his uncle ran, to know he had been put under the charge of maybe the only two with the ambition to stop it all? Donghae had been driven, his goals full of the memory of Henry. It had taken a long time, almost a year of knowing Donghae, before that story had come out.
Tablo had teased them both. They worked together, and Eunhyuk had placed all of his hopes on the two men. Everything seemed well.
Then he’d made the colossal mistake of shooting Tablo. Everyone knew it had been an accident... And it had barely scraped his shoulder. He’d almost not needed a band-aid after they had fled the rival gang.
Of course there were not even words to describe how horrified he had been. Tripping, his finger spasming on the trigger, the kick of the gun, Tablo’s shout of alarm... Donghae dragging him back, taking the gun from him.
He’d barricaded himself in the bathroom, vomiting at first, and then ill in every other way. It was hours of torture.
Tablo had sat on the other side of the door, unable to get in or even get Eunhyuk to talk.
He’d stayed there until Donghae had made him leave, coaxing Eunhyuk out with the promise that Tablo had gone, that he wouldn’t have to face him. But that didn’t erase the next day, or the next.
And it didn’t erase Tablo’s voice, the things he had spoken of. His history, how he had just barely been born in Korea, that his English name was Daniel, that he had grown up between two countries, and wanted nothing more than to see Eunhyuk’s uncle in prison. Eunhyuk realized he had probably been in trouble then, when the want to open the door and shake the man until he was sure he was okay had taken so long to pass.
He’d told himself it would all be okay, that the next time he saw Tablo his...whatever it was...would be gone. But that didn’t keep him from fixing his eyes to the table when Tablo walked through the door.
“How are you?” he heard himself ask.
“Fine. Got a little dent in me is all. Think I should tattoo your name on it?”
“It’s not a joke. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“I know how you can make it up to me.”
He made the stupid mistake of being expectant about it, as though Tablo was going to be serious and actually talk to him. He expected a joke of some kind the second after the, “Oh?” came out of his mouth.
“Yeah,” Tablo said, dropping down until his mouth brushed Eunhyuk’s ear. “You should sleep with me. It’d make me feel better.”
His first thought was, He wants to sleep with me?!
And his second was, Not like this!!
“What a joke!” he said standing. “If you want to get laid, go find someone who wants... There’s plenty of people who’d sleep with you if you pay them.”
Tablo laughed. “Not like you.”
Now Eunhyuk was grasping for something, anything. Why couldn’t he just say no? He had no obligation. Why make excuses?
“My uncle would frown on it.”
“So I’ll get permission,” Tablo tossed out, flopping down onto the couch.
“Like you could,” Eunhyuk scoffed.
He really shouldn’t have challenged Tablo, because that was just what he had done.
And every day he turned away Tablo’s advances he gave himself a mental pat on the back. Even if at night, in the little fantasies he would never admit to, he imagined that he welcomed them. (Though imagining Tablo making up for all the teasing by worshipping his body did not make facing the man or his taunts any easier. He made life hard for himself.)
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four
***
Uncle Lee was not much changed from what Henry remembered. He still commanded respect in the way that all powerful, frightening men did. Donghae walked into the room slow, confident, tossing a carefree smile at Eunhyuk that rang utterly true and so very false. There was an anxiety in Donghae, the way he held his head that maybe wasn’t really obvious. But Henry saw it.
“He doesn’t look much older than he did,” Uncle Lee said, as they stopped in front of him, his eyes flicking up Henry’s body. “If he’s been making pretty with my girls all this time, he must be the same as you remember.”
“Yeah,” Donghae said, pulling Henry against him. “He’s as tight as I remember.”
Donghae’s fingers spread out over his crotch without warning, squeezing lightly but obviously. He couldn’t help the twitch of his hips. He hoped everyone took it as a twitch toward and not a twitch away. Donghae laughed, pressing Henry’s face close.
“Hey, baby, don’t be shy...” Donghae crooned, earning laughter from some of the men. From his place against Donghae’s neck, he could almost feel Donghae lift his head to stare at Uncle Lee. “He didn’t think about what would happen when he found me,” he said, and there was a smirk in his voice.
Ironically, Donghae was right. He hadn’t thought about how nice it would be to strangle Donghae when they had been reunited.
“How do you feel, now that Donghae took you back? You were a persevering little kid, I’ll give you that. We’d have found someone to take you if Donghae hadn’t been willing.”
The man’s face was jovial with amusement at the thought, and it made Henry sad for them both. That their futures had been shaped by this person.
“Good,” Henry replied simply, ringing Donghae’s wrist with his hand. The tendons in that arm stood out against Henry’s fingers.
“Keep him satisfied, Donghae. Keep him close. You know how to do it.”
Keep him in the dark, was more like it, Henry thought. And their audience was over.
Donghae was silent on the drive back to the house, Eunhyuk chatting about what they might have for dinner. Donghae didn’t even hesitate as they walked in, taking Henry’s elbow and pulling him toward the bedroom that had been his prison. He barely had time to look around at the room outside before Donghae had closed the door behind them. He seemed agitated, throwing his jacket to the side.
“Am I still tight as you remember?” Henry asked snidely, unable to help himself, and was shocked when Donghae laughed.
“At least as tight as that hooker you found.”
That stopped Henry cold. “What? Thanks! And what about you?”
“I’m fine, thanks,” Donghae said, wrinkling his nose nearly into a sneer.
“Why would you even say something like that? Why does it matter who...”
“I needed the respect of those men,” Donghae interrupted, “and they weren’t going to give it if they think I submit to anything or anyone.”
Were they really having this conversation? Really? He didn’t even know what Donghae was thinking, feeling, and sexual preferences somehow had shot to the top of the topic list?
“So you liking being on the bottom is a sign of weakness?”
Donghae met his eyes. “To them. It’s not exactly seen as a position of control is it? You do it because you like it, or because you need it, or because you trust someone enough to admit the first two. But you never tell your subordinates.”
“Which was it for you? Because you liked it?” He felt almost as though he were accusing Donghae of something. But on the other hand, he was curious. Curious to know, because Donghae’s answer was relevant to him. Had Donghae trusted him with that, been aware of that, then? Or had it just been the way things were?
“Who would you have told?” Donghae asked, shaking his head. “It didn’t matter what you knew about me. It’s not like there was anyone else.”
“You...” Henry swallowed. “In your relationships since then, you topped?”
“Before and after. No other choice. I couldn’t trust anyone. Even making sure I was screwing outside of the organization, I couldn’t be sure. So I guess the real statement is that I’m probably as tight as you remember, because there was no one ever but you.”
“You trusted me that much?” It shocked him, to think that he had been the only one, that seeing Donghae’s face clutch in pleasure beneath him had been something he and he alone had experienced. Even while the thought of Donghae having relationships stung. They had both tried to move on.
Maybe he should tell him. Maybe he should say that with the hooker, he hadn’t...
“There isn’t a lot I wouldn’t have done for you,” Donghae said. “So feel free to tell them you’re on top next time we’re there. I’ll just expound on what a great little rider you are.”
He had worked this long, this hard, just for Donghae to throw back accusations at him? That he would jeopardize everything Donghae had worked so long for? Of course, for all Donghae really knew, Henry had come back for revenge. Maybe for Donghae that would’ve been easier to deal with. Fury spurted up in him. “Do you think I would put you in danger like that? You tell me you trust me, and you think I would...”
Donghae was staring at him coolly even as Henry drew himself to his full height, glaring down at Donghae.
The heat of it burned away just as quickly as it had passed as he realized that his reaction had been what Donghae had been seeking.
“You make me so angry, Donghae.”
A glint of humor lit Donghae’s eyes before he looked away. “Don’t misunderstand. It’s fun. You looked ready to throw me down and claim what was yours.”
“Do you want that? You need to tell me things. I feel like I can’t help you unless I know what’s going on. I don’t want to be a hindrance to your position. I didn’t look for you this long just to put you in danger.”
There, he’d said it. Even if Donghae’s face was still turned from him and he couldn’t see what reaction he had garnered.
“Don’t worry about that. They got one look at your baby face and figured I’d found something to keep well pleased at home.”
He shrugged, helpless. “And now you insult me.”
“It’s not an insult. I clearly liked that face or we’d have never been together to begin with. And with your hair cut, you don’t look twelve any more and more like the hot man I saw behind that, so yeah. If I didn’t have things to worry about, I’d let you pick me up in a bar and take me home.” Donghae shook his head, letting his hands relaxed from the fists they had balled into. “But I do have things, so it’s strictly professional.”
“You groping me is professional?” Henry demanded.
“It’s an act. I didn’t say I couldn’t enjoy it.”
***
Donghae felt a thrill as the words sank into Henry, the understanding of it. An act, his mind scoffed. As much an act as breathing is. Henry’s posturing, trying to puff himself up had been so... After the strain of dragging him out in front of that bastard, who had known Donghae wouldn’t have wanted to bring Henry. The wily man remembered too well years before, how Donghae had wanted to protect Henry even then. But this, this was different. Henry was so dependent on him now, more than he ever had been before. Maybe part of that was Donghae’s fault. Maybe if he’d warned Henry off better it wouldn’t have come to what they were dealing with. But it was too late for that, and Henry stared at at Donghae with eyes that were full of mistrust.
That was good. He shouldn’t trust Donghae. There wasn’t much left to trust.
He reached out, ready to shove Henry out of the way, but Henry wasn’t having it, pushing back and shocking him.
“It’s always what you want?” Henry demanded.
“Yeah,” Donghae said, trying again to push by, making for the bed, when all of Henry’s weight crashed against him, and they fell together onto the mattress. “What the hell are you doing?”
They rolled, hips and elbows and ribs squashing each other as they fought to orient themselves.
Their chins crashed together painfully, and so accidentally, their lips... It took all of two seconds to figure it out, mouths seeking and desperate and heated... He sucked on the luscious bottom lip, nibbling just hard enough for pain. Henry tilted his head, breaking his hold and giving himself just enough leverage to launch his own invasion of Donghae’s mouth. Donghae remembered the first time they had kissed like this, Henry’s back bent over the arm of the couch as Donghae clambered on top of him, their mouths eager and bruising and awkward, all inhibitions carried away in the delightful alcoholic haze. He hadn’t planned it that way... Really he hadn’t planned to kiss Henry at all, but how could he have resisted that mouth. And then to watch those eyes blur with pleasure only minutes later...
Donghae pushed away, the sound of their lips parting loud above their breathing. He groaned, rolling off of the edge of the bed and rummaging in the bedside table until he found what he was looking for. Whisky. Despite the burn, he held it in his mouth long seconds before spitting into the garbage can.
“What’s wrong?” Henry asked, and Donghae made the mistake of looking up. Henry had turned onto his side, inviting the eyes to slide along the long torso and onto his hips, his legs. What was wrong? There were so many things. He had once mapped every inch of that body with his hands and mouth, and it was a foreign thing to him now. As were Henry’s shadowed eyes.
“You taste the same,” he said hoarsely, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. And he had done everything he could to erase it from his memory.
“Really?” Henry asked as though curious. “I don’t remember what you tasted like.”
Their eyes locked. The truth, he wondered, or a cleverly crafted bullet.
“I shouldn’t stay here tonight,” Donghae said, standing. “I’ll send in Eunhyuk. Maybe that’s for the best.”
“And if I can’t resist him?”
There was some kind of a threat in that, as if Henry was saying if Eunhyuk came in, there would be no resisting. It angered him on so many levels.
“That’s my friend,” he spat out, wheeling around. “I know you’re angry at me, but you can’t take it out on him. He was there for me when I couldn’t have...”
“Someone to screw around with? Or maybe you used him like that, too.”
“Don’t say that! It wasn’t like that for you and me.”
“I only know what it was like for me.”
It made him ill inside. And he had no weapon but the truth.
“Eunhyuk talked to me when... “ When he would cry, when he was so lonely for Henry that he thought he would die inside, when he thought it had to be for the best... “I would think... Surely it isn’t fair that I would have to give you up, when I could hear your voice, or see your fingers on the neck of your violin... But then I would think about how many people that man had hurt, torn away from their families, and destroyed their lives. I was just one person, and there were so many...”
“So they were more important than me.”
He looked up to retort, but found no reason to, as the wall that had hidden Henry’s thoughts from him had begun to shimmer.
“I cared about you too much to see you involved. You were a mess after Hankyung was shot, and all the time he was in the hospital I kept thinking how terrible it was. And that if you stayed with me, it could be you. I could be the reason you were hurt or killed.”
“And now you can’t even share a bed with me?”
“You think that’s a good idea after what just happened?”
“One kiss? I think you shouldn’t run away from your responsibilities. If you want me safe, then see to it yourself.” Donghae stared as Henry pulled back the covers, swiveling to remove his socks. “If you send Eunhyuk in, I’ll send him back out.”
“Why?”
His only answer was a sigh as Henry pulled the blanket up to his shoulders, his back to the middle of the bed.
He hated that he could see himself crawling into that bed, wrapping his arms around the sturdy body, breathing Henry in and kissing a trail up that soft neck. He curled under the blanket much as Henry had, with his back toward him. And wished the whisky had done its job at taking the taste away.
***
“I don’t remember what you tasted like,” he had told Donghae. It was a peculiar kind of lie. True, the remembrance of it had faded quite a bit over time. Not even his memory could hold that kind of detail. But it hadn’t been many moments into the kiss, feeling Donghae against him, to sent the memories flooding through him, as though it had been only moments before. Hearing Donghae’s tipsy giggle. Feeling Donghae’s tipsy giggle. And all the other sounds and textures, the taste of him. Resisting Donghae had become almost impossible. He had once though of Donghae as being like glue, always near him, but it went beyond that. Seeing delight flash over that face had the unique ability to make him respond as he never had to anyone before. Spending more time together almost than they did apart. It wasn’t all about sex, though that was good. But he wasn’t so out of touch with his emotions that he hadn’t known love when it crept up on him.
He wasn’t privy to those smiles any more. And he wanted to think that was because Donghae hid them from him, rather than the thought that they might not exist any more. Because they had to, somewhere. Maybe if he tickled Donghae into a laugh, or…
But he might get punched for his trouble. He sighed, rolling over on the bed, staring at the empty side where Donghae had slept. He was so close. He didn’t even know what to think of the kiss. On one hand, yeah, he was happy it had happened. It was part of what he had wanted, in the end. And he had no small bit of hope. Donghae’s reaction had not been one of indifference. In fact, it had been eager and intent. As though maybe he still wanted Henry with even part of what he used to. And it was good that they had stopped. Things were fragile enough between them. Though maybe getting sweaty would break some of the barriers they kept putting up by sniping at each other.
Or maybe it’d just make things worse. He needed to focus on understand Donghae’s life as it was now, and thinking of how he could help. It was only then that he might have a shot at doing what he wanted. There was that little part of him inside that had never really forgiven Donghae for leaving, and especially not the way he had. He had wondered bitterly for a time if everything had been a lie, if Donghae had said all the things he had just to keep Henry satisfied and in his bed. But the genuine fear, the pains he had taken to protect Henry called out Henry’s fears as a lie. Donghae hadn’t lied to him about that. Not then. The only lie he had told was when he had said he would meet Henry in Canada, because he hadn’t. So yeah, he was still angry. But he wasn’t going to let that anger keep him from Donghae. They had places to go with each other. He had spent years convinced of that.
***
Eunhyuk remembered the first day he had heard Tablo’s name. Just casually mentioned among the men at his uncle’s house. He’d thought, huh, that’s odd. And when he’d found out the man was a cop, odd had turned to distaste. A cop betraying everything he should stand for.
At least, that was what he’d thought until he’d met Donghae. Donghae who’d actually introduced him to Tablo, with the dark smirking eyes and the sort of dry speech and the way he could sort of stare off into space as though someone could see thoughts accumulating behind his eyes.
He also remembered the first time a gun had been put into his hands. He’d been twenty, and his mother had been unable to convince his uncle that keeping her son out of the business was good any longer. Donghae called him Uncle Lee, but he really was Eunhyuk’s uncle.
He’d been Hyukjae one day, Eunhyuk the next. College dreams, to nightmares of guns.
And oh, he had long since given up on stopping the nightmares. When bullets flew, and men shouted. Donghae, with his earnest eyes and idealistic plans, sitting at the kitchen table between Eunhyuk and Tablo, had really saved him. In the whole convoluted, almost evil empire his uncle ran, to know he had been put under the charge of maybe the only two with the ambition to stop it all? Donghae had been driven, his goals full of the memory of Henry. It had taken a long time, almost a year of knowing Donghae, before that story had come out.
Tablo had teased them both. They worked together, and Eunhyuk had placed all of his hopes on the two men. Everything seemed well.
Then he’d made the colossal mistake of shooting Tablo. Everyone knew it had been an accident... And it had barely scraped his shoulder. He’d almost not needed a band-aid after they had fled the rival gang.
Of course there were not even words to describe how horrified he had been. Tripping, his finger spasming on the trigger, the kick of the gun, Tablo’s shout of alarm... Donghae dragging him back, taking the gun from him.
He’d barricaded himself in the bathroom, vomiting at first, and then ill in every other way. It was hours of torture.
Tablo had sat on the other side of the door, unable to get in or even get Eunhyuk to talk.
He’d stayed there until Donghae had made him leave, coaxing Eunhyuk out with the promise that Tablo had gone, that he wouldn’t have to face him. But that didn’t erase the next day, or the next.
And it didn’t erase Tablo’s voice, the things he had spoken of. His history, how he had just barely been born in Korea, that his English name was Daniel, that he had grown up between two countries, and wanted nothing more than to see Eunhyuk’s uncle in prison. Eunhyuk realized he had probably been in trouble then, when the want to open the door and shake the man until he was sure he was okay had taken so long to pass.
He’d told himself it would all be okay, that the next time he saw Tablo his...whatever it was...would be gone. But that didn’t keep him from fixing his eyes to the table when Tablo walked through the door.
“How are you?” he heard himself ask.
“Fine. Got a little dent in me is all. Think I should tattoo your name on it?”
“It’s not a joke. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“I know how you can make it up to me.”
He made the stupid mistake of being expectant about it, as though Tablo was going to be serious and actually talk to him. He expected a joke of some kind the second after the, “Oh?” came out of his mouth.
“Yeah,” Tablo said, dropping down until his mouth brushed Eunhyuk’s ear. “You should sleep with me. It’d make me feel better.”
His first thought was, He wants to sleep with me?!
And his second was, Not like this!!
“What a joke!” he said standing. “If you want to get laid, go find someone who wants... There’s plenty of people who’d sleep with you if you pay them.”
Tablo laughed. “Not like you.”
Now Eunhyuk was grasping for something, anything. Why couldn’t he just say no? He had no obligation. Why make excuses?
“My uncle would frown on it.”
“So I’ll get permission,” Tablo tossed out, flopping down onto the couch.
“Like you could,” Eunhyuk scoffed.
He really shouldn’t have challenged Tablo, because that was just what he had done.
And every day he turned away Tablo’s advances he gave himself a mental pat on the back. Even if at night, in the little fantasies he would never admit to, he imagined that he welcomed them. (Though imagining Tablo making up for all the teasing by worshipping his body did not make facing the man or his taunts any easier. He made life hard for himself.)
***