[Fic] Someone Like You - 4/11
Title: Someone Like You
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five
***
How long had it been since Tablo had asked his uncle for virtual “ownership” of him? Long enough that he didn’t have to think about it anymore, anyway. It wasn’t like they had to show off or anything in front of people. Tablo tended to come off as a pretty private person. He didn’t even want to consider his reaction if Tablo had made the case that they needed to make out in his uncle’s gathering house. He would’ve started thinking of ways to get out of going, because if they weren’t together, then there was no way for Tablo to demonstrate on him. Plus, no one needed to know just in what ways that Tablo had decided to assert his ownership. They were just as they always were together. And that was that.
Most of the time, it worked out that way, anyway. He didn’t really hear the conversation leading up to the confrontation, but he saw where it was going the moment he stepped into the room.
The man was taller, wider, bigger than Tablo in almost every way, and quite a bit more stupid as well. Eunhyuk felt a chill when he saw Tablo’s face, tight and angry, teeth bared in a mockery of a smile. This wasn’t the sort of genial jokester who ribbed him at the house, or the lazily confident officer who tried to keep them in line.
“I don’t think so,” Tablo said, venom in his voice.
Eunhyuk was close to turning on his heel and leaving, but he couldn’t. Tablo was just that close to getting pounded into a little manhole-sized disc. And if he was right, he’d be the one at the house patching up his hurts. And it disturbed him to think of it. With that errant shot, he could’ve killed the man. He wasn’t allowed to die like this. It gave him some right, or something.
“Tablo, let’s go,” he said, stepping up to tug on the tense arm in protest.
“Say it to my face,” Tablo said belligerently to the grinning mobster.
“I said that you’re probably not man enough to d-”
“You think so?”
“Tablo!”
It was like talking to a rock, and about as useful as Tablo attempted to take another step toward the menacing bully.
“You talk to us like that again, and-”
“Daniel!”
It was desperation, nothing less, that made him say it. He was fairly positive that when Tablo had told him his real name, that he hadn’t intended it to be used like that. But it worked. Tablo froze, head turning at speed to stare at Eunhyuk.
“What?”
“Let’s get out of here,” he begged. “Come on, please.”
This time, when he pulled, Tablo followed. Even through the jeers of the men they left behind.
***
It was a quiet drive back. Donghae hadn’t gone, so it was just him and Tablo in the car, Tablo sprawled in the passenger’s seat looking as though he was sullen. Maybe he was angry that Eunhyuk had broken up his fight. But there wasn’t anything he could really do about that. The beeping of the lock followed them, and they stepped inside. In the privacy of the house, Tablo spun him around.
“Say it again,” Tablo insisted.
He was so confused. What had he said that Tablo wanted repeated? “What?”
“My name,” Tablo explained. “Say it.”
He sighed. What trick was this, now? “Tablo?”
“No!” Tablo burst out, laughing a little bit insanely to Eunhyuk’s ears. “My real name.”
“Daniel?”
“Again.”
“Daniel. Look, what are you...”
His head hit the wall with an almost painful thump, kissing back almost before he knew why. Before he knew that there was someone to kiss back. Not just someone. Tablo. Tablo, who was kissing him as though they were long lost lovers and there was nothing else he wanted to do. His body pressed to Eunhyuk’s, hands tracing warm up Eunhyuk’s neck. And Eunhyuk’s hands dangling uselessly at his side as he was thoroughly kissed.
Wait, the rational part of his brain said. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.
He pushed Tablo back with a groan of protest.
“Why’d you stop me?” Tablo asked a little hoarsely.
Even he, and he had been accused of missing the obvious at least once in the past, could see the way Tablo stared at him now. At his mouth, his face, as though it were something amazing. Like... Well, like Tablo’s face was secretly. To him.
“Why me?” he asked in a small voice.
Tablo made a sound of frustration. “Say my name, one more time. Just say it.”
“Dan...”
The last half of his name was swallowed up in the kiss, Tablo’s mouth rough on his for a long moment before gentling. Soft kisses pressed against his lips. He was frozen in his indecision. Did he reach, hold, or push away...?
His eyes opened as Tablo pulled back, and their eyes met so briefly before Tablo stepped forward and they were pressed together, a full body hug.
It caused goosebumps to spring out on his body as Tablo breathed harshly against his neck.
“That’s why, Hyukjae. That’s why.”
His real name was icy water to his muddled mind. First a kiss, two kisses. Those hands on him in not a teasing way, but a wanting way. And then his name? He had no idea. He was more confused than he had ever been.
“Why do you call me that now?” he asked to keep himself from making an embarrassing sound.
“There are roles we play in life. We have different faces, different names. What we see and know isn’t always everything.” Tablo pushed back, his hands steady on Eunhyuk’s shoulders and his eyes very direct, very serious. “I’m okay being Tablo to you. But I want to be someone else to you, too.”
His brain was seizing with trying to understand what Tablo was trying to tell him. He thought, he assumed, that Tablo took some perverse pleasure in taunting him.
“I…I have to go.”
He ran without thought of where he was going, nearly ending up in Donghae and Henry’s room before careening toward his own. He had too much in his brain to process.
Not even drowning himself in the shower worked. But he had tried.
***
One week stretched into two, and the sound of Donghae’s breathing was starting to work its way into him. It made him remember when he’d roll over and accidentally squish an arm, or kick a foot, years ago in Donghae’s apartment. Having each other close had been part comfort, part need, part easy access. Back then, Donghae had woken him up more than once with a hand in his pants and a chuckle against his neck.
But there wasn’t any accidental contact in this bed. Donghae slept differently. Quietly, not sprawling out, almost tense in sleep as though he expected to have to leap to his feet in seconds.
He kept a gun in the side table. Henry had seen it. But when Donghae left, locking the door behind him, it was always carefully removed. He did leave the whisky, but Henry rejected that. Even if seeing Donghae’s face when he came back to find Henry three sheets to the wind was an amusing thought.
The haunted look he saw sometimes in Donghae’s eyes probably should have scared him. Discouraged him. That this man wasn’t the one he had been looking for. He wasn’t the young college student anymore. Maybe he never would be again. But he’d waited this long, worked this hard. To give up without seeing Donghae happy was beyond him. He didn’t want to be weak to Donghae any more. But he wasn’t sure how long his defenses would last him.
Almost all of his efforts to talk to Donghae were rebuffed. They spent quite a bit of time together, but most of their conversation centered around asking if the bathroom was free or when dinner was. When Eunhyuk was around it was a little easier. But only so much. If it had been five years ago, he would’ve pinned Donghae to the bed and made him tell what was going on in his head. But it wasn’t five years ago. He could only use what he had. And he was still figuring out Donghae again, how to talk to him. Sometimes it seemed like Donghae’s eyes slid past his face, as though he didn’t actually want to see Henry. As though it hurt him. But he didn’t, couldn’t, push. He didn’t want Donghae making good on his threat to put Eunhyuk as his permanent babysitter. He needed every chance with Donghae he could get.
Eunhyuk, as his first impression had been, was kind to him. And Donghae tended to leave Eunhyuk around when he was gone, at least from the conversations he was able to overhear. At least he wouldn’t be left to die if the house caught on fire. Eunhyuk also brought him his meals, chatting about the day as Henry ate. There was a television in the room, but no computer. No phone. No chance he could contact the authorities. And that suited him. He was less interested as time went on in getting away and more in honing his goal. Helping Donghae. Somehow. Maybe it was possible that they could find some kind of equilibrium where they weren’t always fighting. He just wasn’t sure what the alternative looked like.
“You’re doing okay in here?” Eunhyuk asked. “You don’t need anything?”
Henry shrugged a shoulder. “Sure. I mean, it’s boring, but it could be worse.”
“If you can’t tell Donghae about something you need, tell me, okay? I can talk to him for you or get something. But you really should to tell him yourself. Fighting like this isn’t good for you guys.”
Henry cocked his head. “How long have you known him?”
“Four years or so? I think. We trained a lot together.”
“Wow.”
Four years. Four years of Donghae’s life that he knew nothing about.
“I’m glad he’s had a friend with him,” Henry said, as Eunhyuk stood to leave.
Eunhyuk blinked down at him. “Yes. Friend, that’s right. You know, you’re the only one he’s ever talked about in all the time I’ve known him? Just remember that, okay?”
The way it was said made it hard to forget.
***
Henry had no doubt that Eunhyuk was relaying some of their conversations to Donghae. Particularly about how he was feeling about being cooped in a room with little but the television as company. Oh, and a few books and some blank paper. But all he would write he probably didn’t want anyone reading.
When Donghae got home one evening, he tossed open the bedroom door. Stopping, staring at Henry who was laying with his head hanging off of the mattress.
“Come out here,” Donghae said. Ordered. Whatever. He had to do whatever his jailer commanded.
He went out slowly, wary, seeing Eunhyuk at the edge of the low table. But that wasn’t what got the most attention from him. But the case that was on it, yes, that did. There wasn’t any question of what it was, the lines of the case betraying that. It absolutely would hold a violin.
“There’s a big room of stuff from various raids and whatever,” Donghae said. “I saw this in there today and thought you might keep yourself busy with it. I think there’s some music in the case.”
“Can I…?” he asked, reaching for the lid and deliberately not looking at Donghae.
“Sure.”
Donghae had brought this for him. Had thought of him. His fingertips touched the bright wood.
“So this is stolen?”
“Not really. There’s no one wanting it back, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“The owner isn’t dead?” he asked, looking up, startled.
Donghae nearly rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I brought you some dead guy’s violin. No, obviously. Like I said, sometimes we get stuff.”
The bow was in good shape as he drew it out, lifted the violin from its padding. It felt weird, after being away from it for a month or two, to hold one again. But familiar. So familiar.
The strings could sing with happiness or cry with sorrow. He was neither particularly sad nor particularly happy, as he tuned the instrument by ear. So he settled on a recital piece that had been almost carved into his fingers. He breathed in once, settling himself as the music began to flow from his heart to his head, to his hand, that guided the bow, and the fingers that guided the strings.
He played with closed eyes, a minute, maybe two, before letting the sound trail away.
“It’s a really nice instrument. Thank you,” he said, trying for sincerity. Donghae had done this much, for him. He made like it was nothing, but it really was a very nice violin. Donghae had thought of him, enough to remember this much about him. He remembered that day in the cafeteria, Donghae’s fingers on his jaw, grinning at him if he asked if the violin left callouses there.
“It’s a little better than Eunhyuk screeching in the shower,” Donghae replied, his eyes still closed as he lay back against the couch.
It stung. No matter how much he wanted it not to. And so he stood.
“I won’t make you put up with it any longer then.”
He shut the door solidly behind him, leaning back against it, his fingers tight on the neck of the violin.
“You’re so lame, Donghae,” he heard Eunhyuk say. “Why bring him such a personal gift and then push him away?”
Henry held his breath, waiting for Donghae’s reply.
“He’s not mine anymore.”
“You’re hopeless. And I don’t screech!”
He laid the violin securely on the top of the dresser. He’d get the case as soon as he knew it was safe. He had a date with the shower, in hopes that would wash away some of the despair he felt.
***
Henry was asleep already by the time Donghae went into their room. He put the violin case gently on the floor so that he didn’t disturb Henry. On the dresser, the instrument had been placed so carefully. He hadn’t meant what he’d said. Obviously, to him, Henry playing was better to him than Eunhyuk’s singing. But it was also painful. So many memories. That was what had made him snap. But they couldn’t go on like this, at odds, forever. If Henry was going to have to stand next to him and convince Uncle Lee that they were real, he needed to know Henry was on his side. There were so many things Henry didn’t know, and things he could never tell him. But there was some he could. If he could just reach out, just a little. He hadn’t looked, but he’d heard the hurt in Henry’s voice.
“You need to stop being such an idiot and just talk to him.”
“Seriously, what am I supposed to tell him? Gee, sorry about lying to you and dumping you by text. But hey, it was for your own good!”
“I think he understands that much. Well. Maybe not about the part that you’re sorry.”
“I’m not sorry, though. People leave behind their families to keep them out of messes like these.”
“You thought of him as your family?”
He shrugged. Maybe that hadn’t been the best thing to say. “Maybe he would’ve been.”
“Aww. Donghae! Tell him that.”
“He’s just angry at me. He won’t want to listen.”
“I’m angry at you and you didn’t even screw me over.”
“Thanks Hyuk, really.”
“Any time. Did you want me to talk to him?”
“Beyond what you already have?”
Eunhyuk laughed. “I mean more, with your permission. About whatever.”
And while it was a nice offer… He wasn’t sure what Eunhyuk would tell Henry. Donghae had done bad things when he and Henry had met, but he’d done more things, worse things, since. And it wasn’t like he’d taken pleasure in them, either. It wasn’t like that. He wasn’t an angel or a devil. But the further Henry was from all of it, the happier he would be. Of course his mind whispered of the things they were doing, accomplishments they had made, information they had gathered. Tablo was getting closer to information that would take down not only the head of the operation, the man he called Uncle Lee, but even beyond him. Some of the smaller organization roots that would try to grow up in Uncle Lee’s absence.
And when they were done, he probably wouldn’t ever truly be safe in Korea again. Too many people knew him. His name, his face. If Henry could have just waited until then…
No, that was a lie. He never would have looked for Henry. He wouldn’t have felt he had the right. Maybe he would have made sure Henry was okay, but to actually go, to see him in person? No.
But here they were anyway. Years of persistence on Henry’s part had brought them right here. And he wanted, oh, he wanted to pin Henry to that bed and relive everything they’d done. But Henry got that betrayed expression on his face, the one that made him think that Henry was wishing he was someone else.
Well, he’d found all he was going to get. They couldn’t just disappear and go be beach bums and forget everything that had happened. And all he really had to do was keep his hands, and his eyes, and his feelings to himself. And when it was all over, Henry had a shot at something better. Even if that meant fighting against Henry’s feelings as well.
***
It was an awkward couple of days after he brought the violin home. He didn’t really know what to say, and Henry had put the violin far out of sight, though Eunhyuk told him that he did play when he knew that Donghae was out of the house. Which made sense. But sleeping in a bed with him, with that hanging over them, was awkward.
“Hey, um…” Donghae looked up quickly as Henry seemed to be talking to him voluntarily and un-coerced. “Do you think I could borrow a pair of underwear?”
He stared and Henry stared back, sort of loosely standing as though he didn’t really want to be doing what he was.
“Okay…? You don’t have enough?”
“I’m living out with what I had in my suitcase,” Henry pointed out, and the tips of his ears were turning red. For some reason there was something in Henry’s tone of voice that had him reconsidering. Yes, Donghae knew what that meant.
“You’ve taken my underwear before, haven’t you?” Henry wouldn’t meet his eyes. Aha.
“Only once! I’ve been doing pretty good washing stuff in the sink, but…”
“You realize you’re not a prisoner here, don’t you? We have a washing machine. All you had to do was ask.”
“I didn’t get the impression that me asking would be very appreciated,” Henry said, jaw set.
“Or you wanted to be stubborn, because you know that Eunhyuk would have done that for you on the sly. Asking for underwear is less embarrassing than asking to wash your clothes?”
“I could’ve just taken all of yours. What would you have done? Made me give them back?”
It was worse than talking with a stranger. To a stranger, usually there was the trend toward being civil. He threw the underwear in his hand into Henry’s chest.
“Yeah. I’d have taken them back. Get dressed, because we’re going out.”
“Out where?”
“You don’t need to know!” he snapped back, shutting the door behind him.
***
Henry knew that Donghae had to be thinking he was being childish and sullen. And he was. Sprawled out in the passenger seat like he didn’t have a care in the world. But Donghae would know better. He knew better, watching the buildings go by. Donghae had seemed well and truly perturbed at him, so he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. What he did know was that they weren’t going toward Donghae’s uncle’s house. And that was important. Donghae hadn’t even turned on music to soften the silence, so it was Henry who gave in first.
“So…where are we going?”
Donghae thumped his fingers on the paperwork on the dashboard. “Dropping some papers off for Tablo. Then we’ll buy you some underwear and whatever else you need.”
“Oh.”
There was a minute of uncomfortable silence.
“I guess I should’ve thought that you’d be needing stuff. I went through your suitcase when you got there after all. I guess I didn’t think. So… I’m sorry about that.”
He was kind of glad that Donghae wasn’t looking at him when he said that, because he was probably gaping at that apparently sincere apology. It wasn’t anything like he’d been expecting and because of that it was so much more.
“I know you’ve got a lot going on. So…thanks.”
It almost made him feel better than his allowed weekly call home to his mother. Where Donghae sat silent and impassive watching him. He had told her the truth, that he had found Donghae. And she had questioned him, if they were doing anything special for his birthday, and all sorts of things. With the passage of time, he was hardly aware that it was going to be his birthday, but when he looked at the calendar, sure enough. In just a few days. And if he remembered right, and he had seared most facts about Donghae into his memory, then Donghae’s wasn’t much later. Perhaps being out like this would give him an opportunity to find a little gift for Donghae. He didn’t really have many expectations that Donghae remembered Henry’s birthday. But he wondered if there wasn’t a way to do something special that day anyway.
Maybe there wouldn’t be cake, or would there be…? It was some kind of fun that they could have. He forced his eyes open, making himself focus on the passing buildings and not the image of kissing Donghae as a different sort of birthday present altogether. He didn’t even know what he could buy Donghae. If they were going clothes shopping, well. Clothes. But a new pair of underwear was just not the signal he was wanting to send. Maybe a wallet, or…
He’d have to see when they got there. Perhaps something would jump out at him. He wasn’t sure just what he was expecting. That Donghae was going to to go through the store with him and hold his hand? They stopped at a little mall-type area, and Donghae seemed to pick a store at random. They walked in together, Donghae pulling out his wallet and with a thoughtful expression, peeled off a few bills.
“This might be more than you need, but get whatever you think you’ll be needing.”
“You’re not walking around with me?” Henry asked, accepting the money.
“I have some calls to make, so I’ll be inside with you, but I think you’re a big boy and can take care of it yourself. Don’t talk to anyone. Just get what you need so we can get back.”
He hoped the injured look he sent Donghae made some kind of impression on him, as he turned and waded into the store. He wouldn’t tell Donghae that he’d had to go into the fitting rooms to look at what he had on in order to figure out what size of underwear that he needed to buy. He bought more than he figured he needed, almost out of spite. But Donghae’s supply wasn’t in the best condition either, so he guessed it was worth it. He threw in a couple of pairs of pants, a lighter jacket than what he had, a few shirts. A pair of pants to sleep in. He had two pairs of shoes, and he couldn’t imagine needing another.
His eyes caught on a light blue shirt, caught in some memory of years ago. Donghae cuddled against him on the train as they headed back to Seoul. The soft blue fabric he’d rested his cheek against. It had been a shirt he had admired on Donghae. It was probably kind of a lame gift, but he shoved it under the stuff he was buying for himself. He was almost to the register when he remembered socks and undershirts, face heating at Donghae’s raised eyebrows when he returned to the line. Thankfully Donghae was back on the phone by the time he was checking out, because he could only shield so much of the purchase from Donghae’s eyes. And it wasn’t like Donghae was going to pick that shirt magically out of the others, like he’d marked it as “DONGHAE’S GIFT.”
He still had quite a bit of money left as the cashier handed him back his change, and the sort of conspicuously colored bag. He could almost feel the muscles in his back start to relax as he walked to Donghae, handing over the money and receipt without a word.
“You got everything you need?” Donghae asked, staring at the bag. “I’m not going back here just because you forgot something.”
“I got everything, Mom. Can we go?”
His lower back trembled as Donghae reached out to guide him the way that he wanted him to go.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Henry/Donghae (with Tablo/Eunhyuk)
Genre: AU. Angst. Romance.
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae failed to escape his Uncle Lee's crime organization and disappeared from Henry's life. But when Donghae has to kidnap Henry to keep him safe, it is still Uncle Lee that stands in the way of them ever having a normal life.
This is a follow up to For Always (QMi, SiHan, HenHae). One can be read without the other, but it does include more detail of the HenHae background and story. :)
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five
***
How long had it been since Tablo had asked his uncle for virtual “ownership” of him? Long enough that he didn’t have to think about it anymore, anyway. It wasn’t like they had to show off or anything in front of people. Tablo tended to come off as a pretty private person. He didn’t even want to consider his reaction if Tablo had made the case that they needed to make out in his uncle’s gathering house. He would’ve started thinking of ways to get out of going, because if they weren’t together, then there was no way for Tablo to demonstrate on him. Plus, no one needed to know just in what ways that Tablo had decided to assert his ownership. They were just as they always were together. And that was that.
Most of the time, it worked out that way, anyway. He didn’t really hear the conversation leading up to the confrontation, but he saw where it was going the moment he stepped into the room.
The man was taller, wider, bigger than Tablo in almost every way, and quite a bit more stupid as well. Eunhyuk felt a chill when he saw Tablo’s face, tight and angry, teeth bared in a mockery of a smile. This wasn’t the sort of genial jokester who ribbed him at the house, or the lazily confident officer who tried to keep them in line.
“I don’t think so,” Tablo said, venom in his voice.
Eunhyuk was close to turning on his heel and leaving, but he couldn’t. Tablo was just that close to getting pounded into a little manhole-sized disc. And if he was right, he’d be the one at the house patching up his hurts. And it disturbed him to think of it. With that errant shot, he could’ve killed the man. He wasn’t allowed to die like this. It gave him some right, or something.
“Tablo, let’s go,” he said, stepping up to tug on the tense arm in protest.
“Say it to my face,” Tablo said belligerently to the grinning mobster.
“I said that you’re probably not man enough to d-”
“You think so?”
“Tablo!”
It was like talking to a rock, and about as useful as Tablo attempted to take another step toward the menacing bully.
“You talk to us like that again, and-”
“Daniel!”
It was desperation, nothing less, that made him say it. He was fairly positive that when Tablo had told him his real name, that he hadn’t intended it to be used like that. But it worked. Tablo froze, head turning at speed to stare at Eunhyuk.
“What?”
“Let’s get out of here,” he begged. “Come on, please.”
This time, when he pulled, Tablo followed. Even through the jeers of the men they left behind.
***
It was a quiet drive back. Donghae hadn’t gone, so it was just him and Tablo in the car, Tablo sprawled in the passenger’s seat looking as though he was sullen. Maybe he was angry that Eunhyuk had broken up his fight. But there wasn’t anything he could really do about that. The beeping of the lock followed them, and they stepped inside. In the privacy of the house, Tablo spun him around.
“Say it again,” Tablo insisted.
He was so confused. What had he said that Tablo wanted repeated? “What?”
“My name,” Tablo explained. “Say it.”
He sighed. What trick was this, now? “Tablo?”
“No!” Tablo burst out, laughing a little bit insanely to Eunhyuk’s ears. “My real name.”
“Daniel?”
“Again.”
“Daniel. Look, what are you...”
His head hit the wall with an almost painful thump, kissing back almost before he knew why. Before he knew that there was someone to kiss back. Not just someone. Tablo. Tablo, who was kissing him as though they were long lost lovers and there was nothing else he wanted to do. His body pressed to Eunhyuk’s, hands tracing warm up Eunhyuk’s neck. And Eunhyuk’s hands dangling uselessly at his side as he was thoroughly kissed.
Wait, the rational part of his brain said. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.
He pushed Tablo back with a groan of protest.
“Why’d you stop me?” Tablo asked a little hoarsely.
Even he, and he had been accused of missing the obvious at least once in the past, could see the way Tablo stared at him now. At his mouth, his face, as though it were something amazing. Like... Well, like Tablo’s face was secretly. To him.
“Why me?” he asked in a small voice.
Tablo made a sound of frustration. “Say my name, one more time. Just say it.”
“Dan...”
The last half of his name was swallowed up in the kiss, Tablo’s mouth rough on his for a long moment before gentling. Soft kisses pressed against his lips. He was frozen in his indecision. Did he reach, hold, or push away...?
His eyes opened as Tablo pulled back, and their eyes met so briefly before Tablo stepped forward and they were pressed together, a full body hug.
It caused goosebumps to spring out on his body as Tablo breathed harshly against his neck.
“That’s why, Hyukjae. That’s why.”
His real name was icy water to his muddled mind. First a kiss, two kisses. Those hands on him in not a teasing way, but a wanting way. And then his name? He had no idea. He was more confused than he had ever been.
“Why do you call me that now?” he asked to keep himself from making an embarrassing sound.
“There are roles we play in life. We have different faces, different names. What we see and know isn’t always everything.” Tablo pushed back, his hands steady on Eunhyuk’s shoulders and his eyes very direct, very serious. “I’m okay being Tablo to you. But I want to be someone else to you, too.”
His brain was seizing with trying to understand what Tablo was trying to tell him. He thought, he assumed, that Tablo took some perverse pleasure in taunting him.
“I…I have to go.”
He ran without thought of where he was going, nearly ending up in Donghae and Henry’s room before careening toward his own. He had too much in his brain to process.
Not even drowning himself in the shower worked. But he had tried.
***
One week stretched into two, and the sound of Donghae’s breathing was starting to work its way into him. It made him remember when he’d roll over and accidentally squish an arm, or kick a foot, years ago in Donghae’s apartment. Having each other close had been part comfort, part need, part easy access. Back then, Donghae had woken him up more than once with a hand in his pants and a chuckle against his neck.
But there wasn’t any accidental contact in this bed. Donghae slept differently. Quietly, not sprawling out, almost tense in sleep as though he expected to have to leap to his feet in seconds.
He kept a gun in the side table. Henry had seen it. But when Donghae left, locking the door behind him, it was always carefully removed. He did leave the whisky, but Henry rejected that. Even if seeing Donghae’s face when he came back to find Henry three sheets to the wind was an amusing thought.
The haunted look he saw sometimes in Donghae’s eyes probably should have scared him. Discouraged him. That this man wasn’t the one he had been looking for. He wasn’t the young college student anymore. Maybe he never would be again. But he’d waited this long, worked this hard. To give up without seeing Donghae happy was beyond him. He didn’t want to be weak to Donghae any more. But he wasn’t sure how long his defenses would last him.
Almost all of his efforts to talk to Donghae were rebuffed. They spent quite a bit of time together, but most of their conversation centered around asking if the bathroom was free or when dinner was. When Eunhyuk was around it was a little easier. But only so much. If it had been five years ago, he would’ve pinned Donghae to the bed and made him tell what was going on in his head. But it wasn’t five years ago. He could only use what he had. And he was still figuring out Donghae again, how to talk to him. Sometimes it seemed like Donghae’s eyes slid past his face, as though he didn’t actually want to see Henry. As though it hurt him. But he didn’t, couldn’t, push. He didn’t want Donghae making good on his threat to put Eunhyuk as his permanent babysitter. He needed every chance with Donghae he could get.
Eunhyuk, as his first impression had been, was kind to him. And Donghae tended to leave Eunhyuk around when he was gone, at least from the conversations he was able to overhear. At least he wouldn’t be left to die if the house caught on fire. Eunhyuk also brought him his meals, chatting about the day as Henry ate. There was a television in the room, but no computer. No phone. No chance he could contact the authorities. And that suited him. He was less interested as time went on in getting away and more in honing his goal. Helping Donghae. Somehow. Maybe it was possible that they could find some kind of equilibrium where they weren’t always fighting. He just wasn’t sure what the alternative looked like.
“You’re doing okay in here?” Eunhyuk asked. “You don’t need anything?”
Henry shrugged a shoulder. “Sure. I mean, it’s boring, but it could be worse.”
“If you can’t tell Donghae about something you need, tell me, okay? I can talk to him for you or get something. But you really should to tell him yourself. Fighting like this isn’t good for you guys.”
Henry cocked his head. “How long have you known him?”
“Four years or so? I think. We trained a lot together.”
“Wow.”
Four years. Four years of Donghae’s life that he knew nothing about.
“I’m glad he’s had a friend with him,” Henry said, as Eunhyuk stood to leave.
Eunhyuk blinked down at him. “Yes. Friend, that’s right. You know, you’re the only one he’s ever talked about in all the time I’ve known him? Just remember that, okay?”
The way it was said made it hard to forget.
***
Henry had no doubt that Eunhyuk was relaying some of their conversations to Donghae. Particularly about how he was feeling about being cooped in a room with little but the television as company. Oh, and a few books and some blank paper. But all he would write he probably didn’t want anyone reading.
When Donghae got home one evening, he tossed open the bedroom door. Stopping, staring at Henry who was laying with his head hanging off of the mattress.
“Come out here,” Donghae said. Ordered. Whatever. He had to do whatever his jailer commanded.
He went out slowly, wary, seeing Eunhyuk at the edge of the low table. But that wasn’t what got the most attention from him. But the case that was on it, yes, that did. There wasn’t any question of what it was, the lines of the case betraying that. It absolutely would hold a violin.
“There’s a big room of stuff from various raids and whatever,” Donghae said. “I saw this in there today and thought you might keep yourself busy with it. I think there’s some music in the case.”
“Can I…?” he asked, reaching for the lid and deliberately not looking at Donghae.
“Sure.”
Donghae had brought this for him. Had thought of him. His fingertips touched the bright wood.
“So this is stolen?”
“Not really. There’s no one wanting it back, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“The owner isn’t dead?” he asked, looking up, startled.
Donghae nearly rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I brought you some dead guy’s violin. No, obviously. Like I said, sometimes we get stuff.”
The bow was in good shape as he drew it out, lifted the violin from its padding. It felt weird, after being away from it for a month or two, to hold one again. But familiar. So familiar.
The strings could sing with happiness or cry with sorrow. He was neither particularly sad nor particularly happy, as he tuned the instrument by ear. So he settled on a recital piece that had been almost carved into his fingers. He breathed in once, settling himself as the music began to flow from his heart to his head, to his hand, that guided the bow, and the fingers that guided the strings.
He played with closed eyes, a minute, maybe two, before letting the sound trail away.
“It’s a really nice instrument. Thank you,” he said, trying for sincerity. Donghae had done this much, for him. He made like it was nothing, but it really was a very nice violin. Donghae had thought of him, enough to remember this much about him. He remembered that day in the cafeteria, Donghae’s fingers on his jaw, grinning at him if he asked if the violin left callouses there.
“It’s a little better than Eunhyuk screeching in the shower,” Donghae replied, his eyes still closed as he lay back against the couch.
It stung. No matter how much he wanted it not to. And so he stood.
“I won’t make you put up with it any longer then.”
He shut the door solidly behind him, leaning back against it, his fingers tight on the neck of the violin.
“You’re so lame, Donghae,” he heard Eunhyuk say. “Why bring him such a personal gift and then push him away?”
Henry held his breath, waiting for Donghae’s reply.
“He’s not mine anymore.”
“You’re hopeless. And I don’t screech!”
He laid the violin securely on the top of the dresser. He’d get the case as soon as he knew it was safe. He had a date with the shower, in hopes that would wash away some of the despair he felt.
***
Henry was asleep already by the time Donghae went into their room. He put the violin case gently on the floor so that he didn’t disturb Henry. On the dresser, the instrument had been placed so carefully. He hadn’t meant what he’d said. Obviously, to him, Henry playing was better to him than Eunhyuk’s singing. But it was also painful. So many memories. That was what had made him snap. But they couldn’t go on like this, at odds, forever. If Henry was going to have to stand next to him and convince Uncle Lee that they were real, he needed to know Henry was on his side. There were so many things Henry didn’t know, and things he could never tell him. But there was some he could. If he could just reach out, just a little. He hadn’t looked, but he’d heard the hurt in Henry’s voice.
“You need to stop being such an idiot and just talk to him.”
“Seriously, what am I supposed to tell him? Gee, sorry about lying to you and dumping you by text. But hey, it was for your own good!”
“I think he understands that much. Well. Maybe not about the part that you’re sorry.”
“I’m not sorry, though. People leave behind their families to keep them out of messes like these.”
“You thought of him as your family?”
He shrugged. Maybe that hadn’t been the best thing to say. “Maybe he would’ve been.”
“Aww. Donghae! Tell him that.”
“He’s just angry at me. He won’t want to listen.”
“I’m angry at you and you didn’t even screw me over.”
“Thanks Hyuk, really.”
“Any time. Did you want me to talk to him?”
“Beyond what you already have?”
Eunhyuk laughed. “I mean more, with your permission. About whatever.”
And while it was a nice offer… He wasn’t sure what Eunhyuk would tell Henry. Donghae had done bad things when he and Henry had met, but he’d done more things, worse things, since. And it wasn’t like he’d taken pleasure in them, either. It wasn’t like that. He wasn’t an angel or a devil. But the further Henry was from all of it, the happier he would be. Of course his mind whispered of the things they were doing, accomplishments they had made, information they had gathered. Tablo was getting closer to information that would take down not only the head of the operation, the man he called Uncle Lee, but even beyond him. Some of the smaller organization roots that would try to grow up in Uncle Lee’s absence.
And when they were done, he probably wouldn’t ever truly be safe in Korea again. Too many people knew him. His name, his face. If Henry could have just waited until then…
No, that was a lie. He never would have looked for Henry. He wouldn’t have felt he had the right. Maybe he would have made sure Henry was okay, but to actually go, to see him in person? No.
But here they were anyway. Years of persistence on Henry’s part had brought them right here. And he wanted, oh, he wanted to pin Henry to that bed and relive everything they’d done. But Henry got that betrayed expression on his face, the one that made him think that Henry was wishing he was someone else.
Well, he’d found all he was going to get. They couldn’t just disappear and go be beach bums and forget everything that had happened. And all he really had to do was keep his hands, and his eyes, and his feelings to himself. And when it was all over, Henry had a shot at something better. Even if that meant fighting against Henry’s feelings as well.
***
It was an awkward couple of days after he brought the violin home. He didn’t really know what to say, and Henry had put the violin far out of sight, though Eunhyuk told him that he did play when he knew that Donghae was out of the house. Which made sense. But sleeping in a bed with him, with that hanging over them, was awkward.
“Hey, um…” Donghae looked up quickly as Henry seemed to be talking to him voluntarily and un-coerced. “Do you think I could borrow a pair of underwear?”
He stared and Henry stared back, sort of loosely standing as though he didn’t really want to be doing what he was.
“Okay…? You don’t have enough?”
“I’m living out with what I had in my suitcase,” Henry pointed out, and the tips of his ears were turning red. For some reason there was something in Henry’s tone of voice that had him reconsidering. Yes, Donghae knew what that meant.
“You’ve taken my underwear before, haven’t you?” Henry wouldn’t meet his eyes. Aha.
“Only once! I’ve been doing pretty good washing stuff in the sink, but…”
“You realize you’re not a prisoner here, don’t you? We have a washing machine. All you had to do was ask.”
“I didn’t get the impression that me asking would be very appreciated,” Henry said, jaw set.
“Or you wanted to be stubborn, because you know that Eunhyuk would have done that for you on the sly. Asking for underwear is less embarrassing than asking to wash your clothes?”
“I could’ve just taken all of yours. What would you have done? Made me give them back?”
It was worse than talking with a stranger. To a stranger, usually there was the trend toward being civil. He threw the underwear in his hand into Henry’s chest.
“Yeah. I’d have taken them back. Get dressed, because we’re going out.”
“Out where?”
“You don’t need to know!” he snapped back, shutting the door behind him.
***
Henry knew that Donghae had to be thinking he was being childish and sullen. And he was. Sprawled out in the passenger seat like he didn’t have a care in the world. But Donghae would know better. He knew better, watching the buildings go by. Donghae had seemed well and truly perturbed at him, so he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. What he did know was that they weren’t going toward Donghae’s uncle’s house. And that was important. Donghae hadn’t even turned on music to soften the silence, so it was Henry who gave in first.
“So…where are we going?”
Donghae thumped his fingers on the paperwork on the dashboard. “Dropping some papers off for Tablo. Then we’ll buy you some underwear and whatever else you need.”
“Oh.”
There was a minute of uncomfortable silence.
“I guess I should’ve thought that you’d be needing stuff. I went through your suitcase when you got there after all. I guess I didn’t think. So… I’m sorry about that.”
He was kind of glad that Donghae wasn’t looking at him when he said that, because he was probably gaping at that apparently sincere apology. It wasn’t anything like he’d been expecting and because of that it was so much more.
“I know you’ve got a lot going on. So…thanks.”
It almost made him feel better than his allowed weekly call home to his mother. Where Donghae sat silent and impassive watching him. He had told her the truth, that he had found Donghae. And she had questioned him, if they were doing anything special for his birthday, and all sorts of things. With the passage of time, he was hardly aware that it was going to be his birthday, but when he looked at the calendar, sure enough. In just a few days. And if he remembered right, and he had seared most facts about Donghae into his memory, then Donghae’s wasn’t much later. Perhaps being out like this would give him an opportunity to find a little gift for Donghae. He didn’t really have many expectations that Donghae remembered Henry’s birthday. But he wondered if there wasn’t a way to do something special that day anyway.
Maybe there wouldn’t be cake, or would there be…? It was some kind of fun that they could have. He forced his eyes open, making himself focus on the passing buildings and not the image of kissing Donghae as a different sort of birthday present altogether. He didn’t even know what he could buy Donghae. If they were going clothes shopping, well. Clothes. But a new pair of underwear was just not the signal he was wanting to send. Maybe a wallet, or…
He’d have to see when they got there. Perhaps something would jump out at him. He wasn’t sure just what he was expecting. That Donghae was going to to go through the store with him and hold his hand? They stopped at a little mall-type area, and Donghae seemed to pick a store at random. They walked in together, Donghae pulling out his wallet and with a thoughtful expression, peeled off a few bills.
“This might be more than you need, but get whatever you think you’ll be needing.”
“You’re not walking around with me?” Henry asked, accepting the money.
“I have some calls to make, so I’ll be inside with you, but I think you’re a big boy and can take care of it yourself. Don’t talk to anyone. Just get what you need so we can get back.”
He hoped the injured look he sent Donghae made some kind of impression on him, as he turned and waded into the store. He wouldn’t tell Donghae that he’d had to go into the fitting rooms to look at what he had on in order to figure out what size of underwear that he needed to buy. He bought more than he figured he needed, almost out of spite. But Donghae’s supply wasn’t in the best condition either, so he guessed it was worth it. He threw in a couple of pairs of pants, a lighter jacket than what he had, a few shirts. A pair of pants to sleep in. He had two pairs of shoes, and he couldn’t imagine needing another.
His eyes caught on a light blue shirt, caught in some memory of years ago. Donghae cuddled against him on the train as they headed back to Seoul. The soft blue fabric he’d rested his cheek against. It had been a shirt he had admired on Donghae. It was probably kind of a lame gift, but he shoved it under the stuff he was buying for himself. He was almost to the register when he remembered socks and undershirts, face heating at Donghae’s raised eyebrows when he returned to the line. Thankfully Donghae was back on the phone by the time he was checking out, because he could only shield so much of the purchase from Donghae’s eyes. And it wasn’t like Donghae was going to pick that shirt magically out of the others, like he’d marked it as “DONGHAE’S GIFT.”
He still had quite a bit of money left as the cashier handed him back his change, and the sort of conspicuously colored bag. He could almost feel the muscles in his back start to relax as he walked to Donghae, handing over the money and receipt without a word.
“You got everything you need?” Donghae asked, staring at the bag. “I’m not going back here just because you forgot something.”
“I got everything, Mom. Can we go?”
His lower back trembled as Donghae reached out to guide him the way that he wanted him to go.
***