Tremor in the Force
When I picked up my laptop from the tech a short time ago he said he suspected my next issue would involve the loose power cable. Something about the computer being old and having issues. He shook his head in a dismissive and somewhat blown away manner. I admit, I raised an eyebrow at all this. The cord fell out because it didn’t fit well, right? A couple days ago the screen flickered a couple times and then the laptop shut off. Very sudden. Very unexpected. Very unsettling. (Okay, I realize I was warned…whatever!) I turned it back on and wasn’t able to get a good enough connection with the power cable to charge the battery and if I left the cord plugged in, the flicker/shut off thing would happen sporadically. After the third flicker/shut off, I left it off. For two days.
Yesterday I bravely, hesitantly turned it on. With one eye closed and my head turned aside, I peeked at my screen and saw it was experiencing the same problems. Gnawing the inside of my cheek, I replaced the battery with a back up one I have and thought I had a good connection with the power cord. But it was like typing on eggshells; afraid that settling my wrists too heavily on the machine would upset it. It didn’t take long for it to flicker and shut off.
I know from the outpouring of support that many of you out there understand the impact a dying computer has on a writer’s sense of security. But I want to explore the direct relation to a lack of productivity and a complete abandonment of creativity. I can’t even come up with quippy Facebook status updates. What is up with that?
I’ve considered the problem might be a tremor in the force. Or more to the point a disruption in my schedule. I can be a creature of habit like anyone else. But, frankly, I’ve never developed a regular writing schedule. It has been years since I’ve had a specific writing location. So having the laptop taken away really shouldn’t have disrupted my creative flow.
Next I explored the possibility that my creative juices can’t flow into another computer. Can’t be taken down on paper. That without my ‘writing pad’ my hands are tied and my fingers are stagnant. Um…except…um, I’m kinda composing on my daughter’s computer right now. And my best friend and I write long handwritten letters to each other on a regular basis. So having the laptop taken away really shouldn’t have disrupted my creative flow.
Finally I’ve delved deep, deep, deep into my psyche and wondered at the possibility that I’m afraid of loss. Now that I know the laptop is vulnerable, I’m afraid to create anything new that might just be lost in a mega failure. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my tenuous and fragile self-sufficiency. Wrapping a warm, fuzzy, fire resistant mind blanket around my creative core to save it for…oh hell, that can’t be it since I save my stuff in yahoo and can access it from anywhere.
So having the laptop taken away really shouldn’t have disrupted my creative flow. As a matter of fact, I now see that it actually isn’t to blame. Remember when Luke is trying to lift the ship out of the swamp with the force? He tries and tries but he just can’t and the ship sinks deeper into the muck. Then Yoda turns on his uber-force and with little effort the ship is up and out of the water and drip-drying in moments. Well, hand me a light saber and call me Luke. I need a trip to the swamp and some mind calisthenics with Yoda. Much anger I have. I must learn to trust the force. Okay, I don’t really have anger issues but it sounded so Yoda-y.
New Year’s resolution: BIC or BOC or BORC, whichever one works for the day. For you non-writerly folks: BIC = Butt in chair, BOC = Butt on couch when children aren’t home and BORC = Butt on Rocking Chair on extremely satisfying front porch. Just write. With or without a working laptop. No excuses.