BDSM and Non-Sexual Kink

[citrusjava]

This is for nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from. [this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please

Comments

[meesasometimes]

as always you blow my mind with your bravery and honesty...and might I add a thank you for putting a name to Praise Kink for me :) it makes my dirtiest fantasies where Dean tells me I'm such a good girl completely legit

[citrusjava]

Thank you so much, BB, it's meaningful to read! I'm so glad the Praise!Kink thing worked fo you! It sure is awesome!
I know you don't mock me, it's laughing with me... I wrote that with you in mind, really.

As for cancer - I am so so sorry, that is a tiggery topic for me, I can't talk about it.

[citrusjava]

Hey! You're back? I was waiting with your posts. How were your adventures in dog sitting? Did you get slobbered over? :)

Thank you so much for the comment. You know, your comments always feel so thought through, attentive and earnest, I appreciate that so much. They often stay with me.

Sexuality and kinks can be such an...amorphous blob that are hard to parse out, you know? And it's so satisfying (like a lightbulb over one's head!) when something just clicks and one makes a realization or can describe or classify something they like or crave.

Yes! Exactly!
And I like it when an exploration/discovery brings up possibilities for joy.

[citrusjava]

Perhaps it was magical snow, and whenever droplets fell out of the dogs' mouth, they turned into snowflakes, flying around in an enchanted whirlwind of Disney.

[balder12]

And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex.

I never thought about it exactly that way, but it's very true, and I think it's one of the appeals of BDSM. It gives permission and a formalized space to do what you really ought to be doing anyway--talking about what you want and need.

It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars.

Yes! I totally understand that. It's so easy for your life experiences to sound like they belong in one particular box. And then people try to shove you in there, and act all confused when you don't fit.

I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone.

[citrusjava]

Thank you for this sweet, thoughtful reply <3

I think I'll take your wise suggestion.
I'm just worried about appropriating a label - people do that sometimes, you know - it's cool to be part of a group like that, without actually having suffered the things that make it less fun, the things that make the group necessary to begin with. I once had some person who used the label "genderqueer" without, I believe, even understanding its meaning, take over a conversation and "teach" me how to be genderqueer better. I don't want to do that to anyone, and I know how incredibly easy it is to do that without realizing it...but OTOH, I very much agree with what you're saying about labels, and creating a situation in which it becomes just another way to be 'wrong' <3
That touched me a lot.
Thank you <3

[balder12]

I understand what you're saying about co-opting someone else's identity because it's "cool," and I do think that happens sometimes, but your struggle is obviously sincere. And the person who decided to "teach" you how to be genderqueer would still have been an asshole if they really were genderqueer. Belonging to a group doesn't entitle you to police other people who belong to that group. If you find a particular category helpful in understanding or explaining yourself, and you're not going around telling other people for whom that category means other things that they're doing it wrong, I think you're okay.

[citrusjava]

Thank you so much <3

[padfootie]

Thank you so much for sharing this! :)

[citrusjava]

Thank you for commenting!

[nagasasu]

Thanks for taking the time to write this up. It was both really thinky and fun to read (+ the gifs, gifs are good). I wish I could write a longer, awesomer comment like others have, but I'm still a lot of a shy lurker. ^^;;;

Also, agreeing with meesasometimes about your lnon-penetration/masturbation story!

(Sorry for the late comment, December has been busy for me.)

[citrusjava]

No problem, shyness is cool !
I'm glad you liked the gifs and (I hope) the post.
Thanks for the question, and hey, I totally get the busy! {}