Lost and Found
Title: Lost and Found
Author: cindyls1969
Rating: R for mature subject matter
Summary: Noah and Luke deal with the consequences of their actions.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, they would live happily ever after.
Authors Notes: This idea came to me after watching the German soaps, AWZ and Forbidden Love. I realized I have never seen a story with this subject before and so I hope you like it.
Noah stood looking at the man in front of him feeling like his life was being ripped apart at the seams.
“Is is sure?” His voice was a broken whisper.
Jason couldn’t look Noah in the eye. “Yeah, he’s sure, he’s been to the doctor. Pete is HIV positive.”
Noah could feel Luke’s confusion as he stood beside him and when he realized the true implication of what he was hearing, his heart almost stopped.
He and Luke had only been back together for a few weeks and were still working on fixing things between them. Now they might not ever be fixed. He felt his stomach clenching and knew he was gonna be sick. He threw one desperate glance at Luke before lurching for the bathroom.
Luke was frozen in place for a moment by the look of anguish on Noah’s face, before looking as Jason one more time and getting a sick feeling in his own stomach from the look of shame and pity on his face. He ran for the bathroom and Noah.
When he opened the bathroom door he could hear Noah retching and sobbing.
“No, no, no, not now. This can’t be happening now.”
Luke walked over to the sink and grabbed some paper towels and wet them and then walked over to Noah, crouching down beside him intending to wipe his face. When Noah realized what he was doing he panicked and pushed Luke’s hands away.
“Don’t, don’t touch me Luke. It might not be safe.” His voice was raw, like it had been ripped out of his throat over broken glass.
Luke paled at the implications in those words but reached over and handed the damp towels to Noah, watching him wash his own face before standing and reaching to help Noah up.
When Noah refused to touch his hand, Luke very deliberately leaned in and took it anyway, pulling his boyfriend to his feet and leading him to the door.
“Come on Noah, let’s go back to your place and talk, okay?”
Noah nodded and Luke could see more tears threatening to fall. He felt a lot like crying himself. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on, but he wanted to get Noah alone, where they could talk in private. He pulled Noah through Java as quickly as he could and out to Noah’s truck. He pushed him gently into the passenger seat before taking the keys and driving them to Noah’s apartment.
They didn’t say a word on the way there, Luke just kept reaching to touch Noah, on his leg or arm, letting him know he was there. When they pulled into the parking lot, Luke killed the engine and got out, but Noah just sat there, lost in thought, so Luke went around and opened his door, taking him by the hand again and pulled him out. They walked silently to the apartment and Luke used the keys still in his hand to let them in.
Once inside, Luke led them to the couch and gently pushed Noah down to sit, settling beside him and never letting go of his hand.
“Now, tell me what’s going on Noah.”
Noah looked down at their joined hands, running his thumb over the back of Luke’s, over and over, knowing that when he told Luke this, it could be the last time he would get to touch him.
When he started to speak his voice was quiet, rough and heartbreaking.
“I told you that when we were apart, I went kind of crazy, right?” He could see Luke nod. “I did some things Luke, some stupid things. I was drunk for almost a month and I went to the bars in Chicago and I picked up some guys.” He was so ashamed of himself, of his weakness, and now look at what he had done. His father was right, he was a waste.
“Noah, look at me.” Blue eye locked with brown and Luke gave him a small smile. “You already told me this. I told you, it was as much my fault as it was yours., so please stop beating yourself up. And stop listening to your father in your head. He’s not allowed in there anymore, remember?”
Noah’s eyes were sadder than Luke had ever seen, except for maybe when Luke had been in the wheelchair. “There’s more Luke.”
“I know. Keep talking, it’s okay.” Luke ran his free hand over Noah’s head, onto the back of his neck and squeezed encouragingly.
Noah took a deep breath and then forced himself to continue.
“I tried to be careful Luke, I’m not stupid. But, a couple of times? I was so drunk, I don’t remember what I did or how.” The tears were streaming down his face again. “One of those times, was with Pete.” His voice was a broken whisper.
Luke had known what was coming but even he was surprised by the calm he found within himself.
“First of all, I love you Noah. No matter what, I love you and this doesn’t change that.” He had both of Noah’s hands now, not letting him pull away when he tried.
“Second, it seems to me that we have a choice to make. We can sit here and curse and swear and be miserable, or we can phone Chris right now and make an appointment for this afternoon. He will tell us what we need to do and how to go about it. So, which choice do you think is going to help us the most?”
Noah couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You don’t hate me?” The disbelief in his voice was heartbreaking and maddening all at the same time.
“Noah, baby, I could never hate you. And I don’t want you to hate yourself either. It’s not fair to either of us. Now, what do you say, can I call Chris?” He didn’t want to seem bossy or like he was trying to take over Noah’s life. That had already caused enough problems for them.
“He won’t tell anyone?” He was so scared and for once, Luke taking over was reassuring, and just what he needed.
Luke leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. “Of course he won’t. He can keep a secret, I promise.”
Noah nodded. “Okay, call him.” He was pale and shaking and Luke just wanted to hold him and keep him safe. But he couldn’t protect him from this.
Luke grabbed his cell and called Chris, telling him he had an emergency and could he spare some time today. Chris told him to come by at 4 and so they had a few hours to kill before they could go.
The whole time they had been talking and when he called Chris, Luke never let go of Noah. He knew if he did, Noah might not let him touch him again. He looked down at their hands tangled together and knew that no matter what happened, he was never letting go of Noah again.
“You look beat, babe. Maybe you should sleep for a couple of hours. What do you think?”
Noah frowned sleepily and tightened his grip on Luke’s hand. The look on his face made him look very young and it made Luke smile.
“I’m not going anywhere love, come on, I stay right with you, okay?” He stood and pulled Noah to his feet. He walked them to Noah’s room and they both toed off their shoes. He set the alarm on his cell for a couple of hours later. He pushed Noah onto his side on the bed and spooned up behind him, sliding one arm under to pillow Noah’s head and the other arm was wrapped tightly around Noah’s waist. He kissed the back of his neck and inhaled his scent.
“Luke?” His voice could barely be heard.
“Yeah, babe” His voice was almost as quiet.
“I never thought I’d be glad we didn’t have sex yet. But I really am glad now. At least I know you’re safe. That I didn’t hurt you again.”
Luke could feel him start to shake again and knew he was crying. “I’m so sorry Luke, so sorry for bringing this into you life.” Noah was sobbing so hard that Luke could hardly understand him, and all he could do is hold him as tight as he could and hope that it was enough. “You deserve better than this, better than me Luke.”
Luke couldn’t take it anymore and he leaned up enough to look down at Noah and used his other hand to turn his face towards him, forcing him to look him in the eye.
“You listen to me Noah Mayer and you listen good. I love you, more than anything. You once told me that you loved me more than your own life. Well, I feel the same way. You are the most decent, kindhearted, loving man I know. You love me better than anyone else ever could. You made a mistake but this isn’t something you deserve, no one does. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with this, together. You aren’t going to be able to push me away this time. You have to know, you’re not in this alone and I won’t let you try to be. Understand?”
Noah looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time. Luke was ready for an argument but Noah just clutched the arm that was holding him tighter and gave Luke a shy smile.
“You’re awfully bossy Snyder, you know that?”
Luke leaned down and kissed him on the temple. “Damn right I am. I’m Lucinda Walsh’s grandson, aren’t I?” He was happy to hear Noah’s low chuckle.
He reached back and grabbed some tissues off Noah’s night stand and gave them to him. He wanted to wipe away Noah’s tears himself but didn’t want to push. He knew that he was in no danger from tears, or saliva, or sweat, and so did Noah. They had done enough research together for some of the Foundation projects, but he knew that Noah’s first instinct was going to be to protect Luke, so common sense might not rule for a while.
And he understood that urge. He just wanted to take Noah in his arms and hide away. But they couldn’t, they had to face it head on. And they would probably need some help. Contacting Chris was the first step in getting that help.
Noah settled down beside him finally and Luke could feel him relaxing in his arms. He lay there, listening to him breathe for a few minutes until he was sure he was asleep and then gently slipped out of bed. He need to take step number 2 in getting the help they needed, that he needed.
He walked out into the living room, thanking god that Ali was spending more and more time with Casey these days and was hardly ever home. He sat down on the couch and put his head down on his knees, trying to catch his breath. When he thought he could talk without breaking down, he pick up his cell phone and dialed.
“Dad, I think I need your help.” At the sound of his father’s voice, Luke broke. He sobbed out the whole story, Holden’s heart breaking with every word.
“Dad, we’re meeting with Chris at the hospital at 4. Could you come and drive us? We’re at Noah’s apartment.”
“Of course Luke. I’ll be there at 3:15. I’m gonna come up and see him first, okay?”
“Thanks Dad, and remember, please don’t tell anyone, okay? Noah couldn’t take it right now if everyone was worrying over him.”
“I won’t son, promise. And Luke?”
“Yeah Dad?”
“I love you.”
Luke smiled. “Love you too Dad.”
He hung up the phone and went and crawled back into bed beside Noah, facing him his time, smiling when Noah scooted closer in his sleep.
When he and Noah found their way back, after Reid, after the explosion, after everything, he swore to himself that nothing would ever rip them apart again and now he was going to have to prove it.
He wrapped Noah’s hand in his and looked at his sleeping face, reaching up to wipe away the frown lines from Noah’s brow. He smiled as Noah leaned into his touch and knew that this was a fight worth everything.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the steady breathing of the man who held his heart.
Part 2: http://cindyls1969.livejournal.com/8963.html
Author: cindyls1969
Rating: R for mature subject matter
Summary: Noah and Luke deal with the consequences of their actions.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, they would live happily ever after.
Authors Notes: This idea came to me after watching the German soaps, AWZ and Forbidden Love. I realized I have never seen a story with this subject before and so I hope you like it.
Noah stood looking at the man in front of him feeling like his life was being ripped apart at the seams.
“Is is sure?” His voice was a broken whisper.
Jason couldn’t look Noah in the eye. “Yeah, he’s sure, he’s been to the doctor. Pete is HIV positive.”
Noah could feel Luke’s confusion as he stood beside him and when he realized the true implication of what he was hearing, his heart almost stopped.
He and Luke had only been back together for a few weeks and were still working on fixing things between them. Now they might not ever be fixed. He felt his stomach clenching and knew he was gonna be sick. He threw one desperate glance at Luke before lurching for the bathroom.
Luke was frozen in place for a moment by the look of anguish on Noah’s face, before looking as Jason one more time and getting a sick feeling in his own stomach from the look of shame and pity on his face. He ran for the bathroom and Noah.
When he opened the bathroom door he could hear Noah retching and sobbing.
“No, no, no, not now. This can’t be happening now.”
Luke walked over to the sink and grabbed some paper towels and wet them and then walked over to Noah, crouching down beside him intending to wipe his face. When Noah realized what he was doing he panicked and pushed Luke’s hands away.
“Don’t, don’t touch me Luke. It might not be safe.” His voice was raw, like it had been ripped out of his throat over broken glass.
Luke paled at the implications in those words but reached over and handed the damp towels to Noah, watching him wash his own face before standing and reaching to help Noah up.
When Noah refused to touch his hand, Luke very deliberately leaned in and took it anyway, pulling his boyfriend to his feet and leading him to the door.
“Come on Noah, let’s go back to your place and talk, okay?”
Noah nodded and Luke could see more tears threatening to fall. He felt a lot like crying himself. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on, but he wanted to get Noah alone, where they could talk in private. He pulled Noah through Java as quickly as he could and out to Noah’s truck. He pushed him gently into the passenger seat before taking the keys and driving them to Noah’s apartment.
They didn’t say a word on the way there, Luke just kept reaching to touch Noah, on his leg or arm, letting him know he was there. When they pulled into the parking lot, Luke killed the engine and got out, but Noah just sat there, lost in thought, so Luke went around and opened his door, taking him by the hand again and pulled him out. They walked silently to the apartment and Luke used the keys still in his hand to let them in.
Once inside, Luke led them to the couch and gently pushed Noah down to sit, settling beside him and never letting go of his hand.
“Now, tell me what’s going on Noah.”
Noah looked down at their joined hands, running his thumb over the back of Luke’s, over and over, knowing that when he told Luke this, it could be the last time he would get to touch him.
When he started to speak his voice was quiet, rough and heartbreaking.
“I told you that when we were apart, I went kind of crazy, right?” He could see Luke nod. “I did some things Luke, some stupid things. I was drunk for almost a month and I went to the bars in Chicago and I picked up some guys.” He was so ashamed of himself, of his weakness, and now look at what he had done. His father was right, he was a waste.
“Noah, look at me.” Blue eye locked with brown and Luke gave him a small smile. “You already told me this. I told you, it was as much my fault as it was yours., so please stop beating yourself up. And stop listening to your father in your head. He’s not allowed in there anymore, remember?”
Noah’s eyes were sadder than Luke had ever seen, except for maybe when Luke had been in the wheelchair. “There’s more Luke.”
“I know. Keep talking, it’s okay.” Luke ran his free hand over Noah’s head, onto the back of his neck and squeezed encouragingly.
Noah took a deep breath and then forced himself to continue.
“I tried to be careful Luke, I’m not stupid. But, a couple of times? I was so drunk, I don’t remember what I did or how.” The tears were streaming down his face again. “One of those times, was with Pete.” His voice was a broken whisper.
Luke had known what was coming but even he was surprised by the calm he found within himself.
“First of all, I love you Noah. No matter what, I love you and this doesn’t change that.” He had both of Noah’s hands now, not letting him pull away when he tried.
“Second, it seems to me that we have a choice to make. We can sit here and curse and swear and be miserable, or we can phone Chris right now and make an appointment for this afternoon. He will tell us what we need to do and how to go about it. So, which choice do you think is going to help us the most?”
Noah couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You don’t hate me?” The disbelief in his voice was heartbreaking and maddening all at the same time.
“Noah, baby, I could never hate you. And I don’t want you to hate yourself either. It’s not fair to either of us. Now, what do you say, can I call Chris?” He didn’t want to seem bossy or like he was trying to take over Noah’s life. That had already caused enough problems for them.
“He won’t tell anyone?” He was so scared and for once, Luke taking over was reassuring, and just what he needed.
Luke leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. “Of course he won’t. He can keep a secret, I promise.”
Noah nodded. “Okay, call him.” He was pale and shaking and Luke just wanted to hold him and keep him safe. But he couldn’t protect him from this.
Luke grabbed his cell and called Chris, telling him he had an emergency and could he spare some time today. Chris told him to come by at 4 and so they had a few hours to kill before they could go.
The whole time they had been talking and when he called Chris, Luke never let go of Noah. He knew if he did, Noah might not let him touch him again. He looked down at their hands tangled together and knew that no matter what happened, he was never letting go of Noah again.
“You look beat, babe. Maybe you should sleep for a couple of hours. What do you think?”
Noah frowned sleepily and tightened his grip on Luke’s hand. The look on his face made him look very young and it made Luke smile.
“I’m not going anywhere love, come on, I stay right with you, okay?” He stood and pulled Noah to his feet. He walked them to Noah’s room and they both toed off their shoes. He set the alarm on his cell for a couple of hours later. He pushed Noah onto his side on the bed and spooned up behind him, sliding one arm under to pillow Noah’s head and the other arm was wrapped tightly around Noah’s waist. He kissed the back of his neck and inhaled his scent.
“Luke?” His voice could barely be heard.
“Yeah, babe” His voice was almost as quiet.
“I never thought I’d be glad we didn’t have sex yet. But I really am glad now. At least I know you’re safe. That I didn’t hurt you again.”
Luke could feel him start to shake again and knew he was crying. “I’m so sorry Luke, so sorry for bringing this into you life.” Noah was sobbing so hard that Luke could hardly understand him, and all he could do is hold him as tight as he could and hope that it was enough. “You deserve better than this, better than me Luke.”
Luke couldn’t take it anymore and he leaned up enough to look down at Noah and used his other hand to turn his face towards him, forcing him to look him in the eye.
“You listen to me Noah Mayer and you listen good. I love you, more than anything. You once told me that you loved me more than your own life. Well, I feel the same way. You are the most decent, kindhearted, loving man I know. You love me better than anyone else ever could. You made a mistake but this isn’t something you deserve, no one does. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with this, together. You aren’t going to be able to push me away this time. You have to know, you’re not in this alone and I won’t let you try to be. Understand?”
Noah looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time. Luke was ready for an argument but Noah just clutched the arm that was holding him tighter and gave Luke a shy smile.
“You’re awfully bossy Snyder, you know that?”
Luke leaned down and kissed him on the temple. “Damn right I am. I’m Lucinda Walsh’s grandson, aren’t I?” He was happy to hear Noah’s low chuckle.
He reached back and grabbed some tissues off Noah’s night stand and gave them to him. He wanted to wipe away Noah’s tears himself but didn’t want to push. He knew that he was in no danger from tears, or saliva, or sweat, and so did Noah. They had done enough research together for some of the Foundation projects, but he knew that Noah’s first instinct was going to be to protect Luke, so common sense might not rule for a while.
And he understood that urge. He just wanted to take Noah in his arms and hide away. But they couldn’t, they had to face it head on. And they would probably need some help. Contacting Chris was the first step in getting that help.
Noah settled down beside him finally and Luke could feel him relaxing in his arms. He lay there, listening to him breathe for a few minutes until he was sure he was asleep and then gently slipped out of bed. He need to take step number 2 in getting the help they needed, that he needed.
He walked out into the living room, thanking god that Ali was spending more and more time with Casey these days and was hardly ever home. He sat down on the couch and put his head down on his knees, trying to catch his breath. When he thought he could talk without breaking down, he pick up his cell phone and dialed.
“Dad, I think I need your help.” At the sound of his father’s voice, Luke broke. He sobbed out the whole story, Holden’s heart breaking with every word.
“Dad, we’re meeting with Chris at the hospital at 4. Could you come and drive us? We’re at Noah’s apartment.”
“Of course Luke. I’ll be there at 3:15. I’m gonna come up and see him first, okay?”
“Thanks Dad, and remember, please don’t tell anyone, okay? Noah couldn’t take it right now if everyone was worrying over him.”
“I won’t son, promise. And Luke?”
“Yeah Dad?”
“I love you.”
Luke smiled. “Love you too Dad.”
He hung up the phone and went and crawled back into bed beside Noah, facing him his time, smiling when Noah scooted closer in his sleep.
When he and Noah found their way back, after Reid, after the explosion, after everything, he swore to himself that nothing would ever rip them apart again and now he was going to have to prove it.
He wrapped Noah’s hand in his and looked at his sleeping face, reaching up to wipe away the frown lines from Noah’s brow. He smiled as Noah leaned into his touch and knew that this was a fight worth everything.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the steady breathing of the man who held his heart.
Part 2: http://cindyls1969.livejournal.com/8963.html