Lost and Found Chapter 2
Title: Lost and Found
Author: cindyls1969
Rating: R for mature themes
Summary: Holden has his say.
Disclaimer: Still don't own them, just borrowing.
When Noah woke an hour and a half later, he opened his eyes to see Luke’s face in front of his. God he was beautiful. Luke hated when he said that, but it was true. There was no other word that covered it. Luke was the most beautiful person he had ever met, inside and out.
He wasn’t perfect, Noah knew that, better than anyone. He was headstrong and stubborn. He rushed headlong into everything, the consequences of his actions the furthest thing from his mind and so he tended to hurt the people he loved sometimes, but mostly he hurt himself.
But he also had the biggest heart, capable of so much love and forgiveness that it still amazed Noah after knowing him for almost 4 years. That man had more room in his heart than Noah knew even existed. He loves family with all his heart, is a rock for his friends whenever they need him and Noah knows that Luke’s love for him knows no bounds.
That was the problem sometimes. Luke loved Noah more than Noah loved himself for the most part. Noah had never had anyone love him like that in his whole life, without judgment, without conditions. Certainly not his father, whose love for Noah depended on Noah being perfect. The perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect soldier. His mother? He didn’t know how much she loved him. And he never would, she was dead and he never had the chance to ask her. He had some letters she had written of course, but it wasn’t the same as seeing it in her eyes or hearing it in her voice.
There was no one else. Only Luke, and his family, and maybe some people would say that it wasn’t enough, that it wasn‘t healthy, but Noah knew it was everything. When he was blind, it had over whelmed him. He never felt less worthy of their love as when he was blind.
It had taken Noah a long time to be able articulate how he had felt to Luke. He didn’t know how to tell him how scared he was, how lost he felt. He wanted to be able to take care of Luke, to be his equal partner, but when he was blind he couldn’t take care of himself so how could he take care of Luke?
But finally, after long months of Noah pushing him away, Luke finally let himself be pushed into the arms of Reid Oliver. And Noah had felt so betrayed. Not by Luke, because he had deserved Luke walking away after all the heartache Noah put him through, when Luke just wanted to help, but by Reid, who he had thought was becoming his friend. He had trusted him, with his brain, with his feelings for Luke, with his hopes and dreams for the future.
When he saw them together for the first time, it had ripped his heart out and he got angry. And Noah hated being angry because being angry made him feel like he was like his father. And after he had punched Reid, he got angry at himself. When Luke asked him if it was because he still cared, he lied and then walked away, believing that Luke was better off with out him.
He had hidden away for almost 2 months, going to school, and managing to graduate, and going every weekend to Chicago, getting drunk and picking up random men who looked nothing like Luke and fucking their brains out, trying to force Luke out of his heart. Of course, it was an impossible task.
And so he had sobered up, straightened out and found Luke, standing there with Reid. He had told him the truth and told him every aching thing in his heart. The fear, the anger, the frustration, the love and the gratitude. And he had kissed him and thanked him for loving him and taking care of him Then he had walked over and shook Reid’s hand and thanked him for giving him his sight back, his second chance at life. Then he had walked away, leaving Luke to be happy, because he deserved it and if Noah couldn’t be the one to give it to him, well, it didn’t matter. He loved him enough to let him go and so he was.
Only, it turns out that Luke didn’t want to be let go. He had stood there, looking at him walk away, and then he looked at Reid. Reid had snorted and told him to quit being so stupid. If he wasn’t going after Noah, Reid might take a crack at it himself, because anyone who could love like that was worth the effort.
So Luke had chased after him, grabbing him and telling him that he was tired of Noah walking away, so why didn’t he get the balls up to stay and see how things went.
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Noah gently pushed the bangs off Luke’s forehead, before tracing his fingers over Luke’s nose and cheeks, across his lips and down his shoulders. He loved this man so much and they had been working their way back together. Going on dates, getting to know each other again, but as grownups this time, not starry eyed boys. They were just getting back on track, and now there was this train wreck.
And Noah knew his own stupidity had caused it. He was suffering the consequences of his actions. And his one saving grace was that they had put the physical side of their relationship on hold, so that they could fix the other things first. Their sex life had never been the problem anyhow. What he had said earlier was true. At least he hadn’t inadvertently put Luke in danger. He might have killed himself if he would have. Luke had been in enough danger because of him.
When he looked at Luke again he saw those deep, coffee colored eyes smiling at him. It always made his breath catch when Luke looked at him that way and he couldn’t help but smile back, even now.
Luke reached up and wiped away the tears that Noah didn’t know were there. He started to pull away, but Luke curled his hand around Noah’s neck, making him stay.
“You know better than that Noah. Your tears can’t hurt me. We did the research together, remember? Now come here.”
He let himself be pulled close and found the need to cry subsiding. Luke wrapped himself around his boyfriend, just holding him for a few minutes. Once they both found their balance, they got up and started getting ready.
When the knock came on the door a few minutes later, Noah went to open it and saw Holden on the other side. One look at his face was enough to tell Noah that he knew and he glanced at Luke, who was chewing nervously on his fingernail. He wanted to be mad at Luke for telling him, but he knew that Luke needed backup and truth be told, he knew there was no one better than Holden.
“Holden I….” He didn’t get any further before he was swept up in the best “dad” hug he had ever received. He let himself have it, and it felt good to let go.
When Holden finally pulled back he looked Noah in the eye. “Noah, there is only one thing I need to say to you. You are my family, my son and I intend to be here for you this time. Last time I held back, not wanting to interfere and I got lost in my own crap. That is not happening today Noah. Whatever happens, whatever you need, we are gonna be here. Me and Luke, understand? You are not alone.”
Holden let him go and stood there waiting for the argument he was sure was coming. He was unprepared for the laughter. Noah was laughing so hard he almost fell over.
“What’s so funny?” The confusion on Holden’s face was not helping Noah get a grip on himself, and Luke had started to chuckle too.
“Did you and your son co-ordinate your speeches? Cause he said almost the exact same thing to me not two hours ago.” He was still laughing when Luke came over and put his arm around his waist and he couldn’t help but hug Holden and Luke at the same time. He was so fucking lucky.
He finally got his breath back and looked at Holden curiously. “What are you doing here Holden?”
Holden’s smile faded at the reality of the question.
“I’m here to drive you to the hospital. Luke thought maybe you both could use the support.” He glanced at Luke before looking back at Noah.
“Thanks Holden, I appreciate it. But could I ask you a favor? Keep this to yourself?” He ducked his head, the shame finally starting to peek through. “I don’t want Lily and the kids worried until there is something to worry about. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
He felt a hand on his chin, lifting his head. It was Holden. “Don’t worry son, I won’t tell a soul, I promise. But I don’t want to see that anymore.”
Noah looked at him, confused. “What?”
“The shame I saw in your eyes just now. You have nothing to be ashamed of Noah. Everyone makes mistakes, Noah, and yes, this is one that could have some really bad consequences, but you didn’t do it on purpose. You lost yourself for a while, but you found yourself again. Let’s concentrate on that for now. Everything else? We’ll deal with that later, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Now, lets go get this done, then we can find out what comes next.”
Three pairs of eye were suspiciously bright as they went out the door, into the unknown, but they went together and that was something.
Part 3: http://cindyls1969.livejournal.com/10094.html