Very Disappointed In Me

[cindyleed]

Yesterday I was having a good day.  Work went as normal.  I got home on time, made dinner and ate with Dan and Bode.  We played a little together and I organized some books in Bode's room.  Dan put up new book shelves in his room.  Then Dan went out to play poker.

Bode and I played a little more and then I drew a bath for him.  He did really well

Comments

[muirichinnahali]

don't beat yourself up. i had almost the exact same thing happen when zeke was around that age. he was freaking out, protesting a poopy diaper change, and kicked me HARD in the face. i slapped his butt cheek without even thinking. he was shocked but mostly unaffected. i was so upset and cried about it for the rest of the day, haha. but long story short, i have a similar background and it can be very difficult to break away from what we know. the best thing you can do is use it as learning experience and work on ways to not let it happen again. *hugs*

[cindyleed]

Thanks. I'm just really upset that it was instinctual for me to react that way. I know I didn't really hurt him. He seems completely unaffected today. It's not the kind of thing I want to ever happen again though. So I think it's important for me to recognize what I did and to be more conscious moving forward.

[prettylilditty]

You say its instinctual, but not in the way you think. It isnt instinctual to hit your child, but in the sense where you are hurt, its instinct to hurt back as protection. In your instincts mind, for that second, you didnt recognize and choose to hit a child...just react to pain that you were caused. It happens, and as long as we make an effot to control it, we will over come it! I had a similar background as well, and sometimes its a struggle for me to keep my voice down. I have hit on occasion, with the intent to hit, but knew it was wrong, and most times apologized. I think its good for my kids to see I can admit I'm wrong and ask forgiveness. Its a journey, but dont be too hard on yourself! *hugs*

[cindyleed]

Thanks. I guess you're right. It was my instinct to hit when I was kicked. Not instinctual to slap without being provoked. It just scared me that i did it so fast. I mean there will being plenty more trying times throughout his toddlerhood, I'm sure. And probably more times when I get hit, kicked, poked or whatever the case may be. I really want to be prepared in those instances and be able to think before I act.

[jespere]

I can promise you, virtually every AP parent does this once, twice, or even more. I did pretty much the exact same thing: Tijn was flapping his arms in frustration, and I was "in the way" which meant I got a direct blow straight on the eye. I didn't even breathe before I slapped him right back. And felt just as horrible and guilty as you are now.

The fact that it happened helps you be prepared. Don't beat yourself up over it.

*hugs* mama!

[cindyleed]

Thanks. I appreciate that I'm not the only mama to go through this.