[FIC]: i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart) [J², RPS, Adult]
title: i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
author: maboheme @ chocolate_muse
pairing: jsquared
rating: nc-17
count: ~1k
disclaimer: a sorta fairy tale.
notes: this is dedicated to the lovely enablelove on the occasion of her birthday. also for my 20_est_relships table to the prompt symmetry. title and opening quote from the poem by e.e. cummings.
summary: There's a lifetime in five years. There's an entire history between their hearts.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
i.
Jared breathes, pushes soft apologies across Jensen's cheek. Their world is warm, sheltered, made of heated skin and damp, musty sheets. Against the steady, moving body beneath his palm, Jared whispers, Forgive me.
Jensen doesn't respond with words, never does. He simply tangles them together, rolls them until they are side by side, eye to eye. It's still too much sometimes, this meeting of eyes, this meeting of lips and hands and bodies. Five years of knowing a person more than you know yourself. Five years of wanting and taking and hiding it all away. There's a lifetime in five years. There's an entire history between their hearts.
Jensen says, Sorry, sorry. And Jared doesn't know what they're both apologizing for most days. For being who they have to be when they can't be together. For everything that's kept in the shadows, carefully hidden. For the way they break with only each other, for the way they break without each other. For wanting more when this is all they can risk having. For wanting at all.
Jensen rocks, hips lifting, hands grabbing at Jared's shoulders. Jared follows, shifts forward, reads the signals Jensen sends him in bed same as he does on the soundstage. They work well together, in front of the camera and off. In sync, in symmetry.
Jensen's fingers land against Jared's hole, a slow push in and a slow pull out. Jared inhales, exhales, shudders against the feel, twists the sheets with one fist and Jensen with the other.
Don't be sorry, don't be sorry. Just... Jared shakes his head, catches Jensen's lips and tongue with his own. Jensen hooks two fingers inside Jared and pushes in deeper. Jared closes his eyes, takes what Jensen offers. Takes his apology, takes his heart, takes his body into his own. Lays claim to the pounding in Jensen's chest and the rush of blood through his veins. This is the last thing he wants to feel at the end of each and every day. This is the last thing he ever wants to call his own.
ii.
Sometimes Jared’s the one crawling deep inside Jensen, when it's just the two of them taking a break between shooting scenes, sticky in makeup and carrying the weight of their characters. Sometimes the only thing that matters is finally getting the chance to grasp at each other in the secret hideaways of their trailers, too many hours since they last did this, too many hours of staring but not touching, pretending to be one thing when they are something more, something different.
Sometimes it's Jared pushing inside Jensen, needing to be swallowed up by him, needing to feel connected. It's Jensen's ass squeezing so tight and perfect around his cock, and it's the feel of everything finding its place.
It's realizing that together they are something more, something different. Not brothers. Not just best friends. Something just as deep, but deeper still.
iii.
Jensen makes a soft sound in his throat as Jared's hands wind around his cock.
Think we'll always be this? Jensen asks after he's come down, breathless and sated. Be this for each other? Feel like this?
They're pressed together, large bodies twined like old tree roots. It's moments into a new dawn, and Jared buries his nose against the back of Jensen's neck, breathes in the smells they've created together in the course of the long night, sweat and spunk, salt and copper. Says, Course we will. We're soul mates.
A laugh, soft and winded. I thought Sam and Dean were the soul mates, Jensen says.
Jared pulls them onto their backs. It's the rustle of bed sheets and the groan of the old mattress as they shift their weight and settle together. A moment passes before Jared speaks.
I think if there's such a thing as a soul mate in this life. I think...maybe you're it for me.
The fingers of Jensen's right hand work their way across Jared's belly before splaying across Jared's chest. They're both quiet for a long time, and Jared's about to speak again, say something about the new script or hiatus plans, something that's not directly about the history between the two of them. But he doesn't have to.
Jensen slides a hand over Jared's heart and murmurs, You're definitely it for me, Jay.
Jared closes his eyes, smiles wide, and remembers how to breathe.
iv.
There's so much history here in the bed and the sheets, in their touches and their smiles. In the bedroom they share, thick with the spill of morning sunlight, there's new chapters being written to a story yet to be told.
They've been at it for hours, days maybe, fucking and sleeping and then fucking some more. Coming all over each other again and again, marking and claiming the only way they know how.
Jared's sliding two fingers inside Jensen, sending him twisting and groaning into the pillow. He's still loose, fucked open, wet, and raw from the hours before. Jared pushes in, spreads Jensen wider before ducking down and replacing fingers with tongue. Jensen keens and Jared smirks, flicking out his tongue to make a slow, broad swipe around Jensen's rim. Jensen shakes, releases sounds, choked off and naked.
When Jared finally buries himself inside of Jensen, his cock makes a heavy slide in and out of Jensen's ass; the connection is warm and perfect. Jared's mouth lingers for a moment against Jensen’s jaw before meeting Jensen's own mouth to suck and bite at his bottom lip. As Jared thrusts forward, they kiss hard and fast, splitting lips and drawing blood.
Sorry, Jared says, licking along Jensen's bruised and bitten lips.
Not sorry, Jensen breathes, and Jared hears the rest without Jensen needing to say it aloud: Never sorry for this. Any of this. Never sorry for loving you like this.
Jared pushes deeper, and Jensen's body welcomes him home. They fuck quietly this time, shivering and exhausted into the night. Jared knows he'll fall asleep inside of Jensen, his body angled to the curve of Jensen's own, his bones molded to the shape of the two of them joined like this.
In the night they'll become something more, something different.
One.
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