Mr. Eames' List (an Inception fanfiction)
Title: Mr. Eames’ List
Author: Mel Wong, @chn_breathmint on Livejournal and CyanideBreathmint at AO3.
Characters/Pairings: Arthur, Eames, Saito, Yusuf, Ariadne, Cobb, Eames/Arthur
Rating: PG for very mild language, vague sexual implications.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inception or its characters.
Word Count: 564
Summary: The 50 Things Eames is no longer allowed to do while working on inception.
Warnings: Short. Crack, mostly.
Notes: Inspired by the infamous Skippy’s List: the 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do While In The US Army. You don’t have to read it to actually understand this fic, but I highly recommend it anyway as it is absolutely rib-cracking funny. Eames’ first name in this fic (and the rest of the fics I write) is understood to be Michael, for the Franz Ferdinand song. I wrote this in the waiting period while my actual first Inception fic is being betaed (all 25k words of it). This one was a shorter proofread and thus goes up first.
Crossposted to eames_arthur, inceptionfic and inceptionfilm
1. I am no longer allowed to answer the phone as “Michael Eames, Sex God-in-Waiting.”
2. I am no longer allowed to say “What’s happening, bitches?” as my accent makes it painful.
3. I am no longer allowed to make the coffee with caffeinated water instead of ordinary water.
4. Mr. Saito is our employer and our financial backer, and should not be referred to as “Sugar Daddy”.
5. Yusuf is our chemist, and is not to be referred to as “Dr. Feelgood”.
6. Ariadne is our architect, not “Princess Peach”.
7. I am no longer allowed to replace Je Ne Regrette Rien with Crazy Frog.
8. Nor am I allowed to replace Edith Piaf with The Best of Queen.
9. Nor Lady GaGa, for that matter.
10. NO STAIRWAY.
11. I am no longer allowed to touch the music player.
12. I am not allowed to tell the story about Cobb and the falling car.
13. I am no longer allowed to demonstrate what happened that one time Arthur took cold medication before going under.
14. Even if it is funny.
15. I am not to persuade our Chemist to sneak a little hallucinogen in the sedative.
16. Not even a tiny amount.
17. Whisky is not a viable alternative to somnacin.
18. Even if it is Laphroaig.
19. I am not allowed to tuck singles in the Point Man’s braces for a “tip”.
20. No pounds sterling either.
21. Nor am I allowed to use Euros.
22. No banknotes, cheques, letters of credit or fast-food coupons.
23. I am not to interfere with Arthur while he is sedated for testing purposes.
24. Nor am I to fiddle with his necktie while he is unconscious.
25. I may not forge Mallorie Cobb; it interferes with morale and terrifies the rest of the team.
26. Or Pyramid Head.
27. Or the Aliens from Alien.
28. Or Care Bears. (Long story.)
29. Playing Edith Piaf slowed-down 10x through my iPhone is not funny.
30. Friday night is not Strip Poker Night.
31. Nor is any other day of the week.
32. I am not allowed to pick co-workers’ wallets.
33. Even if I return them later.
34. Requiem For A Dream is not a comedy.
35. I am no longer allowed to tell the story about the time I got hold of Thom Yorke’s phone number.
36. Adult novelties are not appropriate Christmas gifts to co-workers.
37. I may not induce a case of earworm in myself so as to serenade fellow team-members with Rick Astley during dream training exercises.
38. Cows of war are not appropriate anti-extraction training dummies.
39. I am not Ali G.
40. Nor am I Borat.
41. I am no longer allowed to forge any character played by Sascha Baron-Cohen.
42. I am not the Doctor.
43. I am no longer allowed to ask co-workers if they want to see my TARDIS.
44. I am not allowed to fill my dreamscapes with Daleks.
45. Even if that was what I was thinking about at the time.
46. Nor do I have a sonic screwdriver in my pants.
47. Arthur is not secretly a lizard-alien come to steal our water.
48. Nor is he a Cylon.
49. Nor is he a Replicant.
50. I am no longer allowed to use the Voight-Kampff test on Arthur to prove that he’s a Replicant.
Author: Mel Wong, @chn_breathmint on Livejournal and CyanideBreathmint at AO3.
Characters/Pairings: Arthur, Eames, Saito, Yusuf, Ariadne, Cobb, Eames/Arthur
Rating: PG for very mild language, vague sexual implications.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inception or its characters.
Word Count: 564
Summary: The 50 Things Eames is no longer allowed to do while working on inception.
Warnings: Short. Crack, mostly.
Notes: Inspired by the infamous Skippy’s List: the 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do While In The US Army. You don’t have to read it to actually understand this fic, but I highly recommend it anyway as it is absolutely rib-cracking funny. Eames’ first name in this fic (and the rest of the fics I write) is understood to be Michael, for the Franz Ferdinand song. I wrote this in the waiting period while my actual first Inception fic is being betaed (all 25k words of it). This one was a shorter proofread and thus goes up first.
Crossposted to eames_arthur, inceptionfic and inceptionfilm
1. I am no longer allowed to answer the phone as “Michael Eames, Sex God-in-Waiting.”
2. I am no longer allowed to say “What’s happening, bitches?” as my accent makes it painful.
3. I am no longer allowed to make the coffee with caffeinated water instead of ordinary water.
4. Mr. Saito is our employer and our financial backer, and should not be referred to as “Sugar Daddy”.
5. Yusuf is our chemist, and is not to be referred to as “Dr. Feelgood”.
6. Ariadne is our architect, not “Princess Peach”.
7. I am no longer allowed to replace Je Ne Regrette Rien with Crazy Frog.
8. Nor am I allowed to replace Edith Piaf with The Best of Queen.
9. Nor Lady GaGa, for that matter.
10. NO STAIRWAY.
11. I am no longer allowed to touch the music player.
12. I am not allowed to tell the story about Cobb and the falling car.
13. I am no longer allowed to demonstrate what happened that one time Arthur took cold medication before going under.
14. Even if it is funny.
15. I am not to persuade our Chemist to sneak a little hallucinogen in the sedative.
16. Not even a tiny amount.
17. Whisky is not a viable alternative to somnacin.
18. Even if it is Laphroaig.
19. I am not allowed to tuck singles in the Point Man’s braces for a “tip”.
20. No pounds sterling either.
21. Nor am I allowed to use Euros.
22. No banknotes, cheques, letters of credit or fast-food coupons.
23. I am not to interfere with Arthur while he is sedated for testing purposes.
24. Nor am I to fiddle with his necktie while he is unconscious.
25. I may not forge Mallorie Cobb; it interferes with morale and terrifies the rest of the team.
26. Or Pyramid Head.
27. Or the Aliens from Alien.
28. Or Care Bears. (Long story.)
29. Playing Edith Piaf slowed-down 10x through my iPhone is not funny.
30. Friday night is not Strip Poker Night.
31. Nor is any other day of the week.
32. I am not allowed to pick co-workers’ wallets.
33. Even if I return them later.
34. Requiem For A Dream is not a comedy.
35. I am no longer allowed to tell the story about the time I got hold of Thom Yorke’s phone number.
36. Adult novelties are not appropriate Christmas gifts to co-workers.
37. I may not induce a case of earworm in myself so as to serenade fellow team-members with Rick Astley during dream training exercises.
38. Cows of war are not appropriate anti-extraction training dummies.
39. I am not Ali G.
40. Nor am I Borat.
41. I am no longer allowed to forge any character played by Sascha Baron-Cohen.
42. I am not the Doctor.
43. I am no longer allowed to ask co-workers if they want to see my TARDIS.
44. I am not allowed to fill my dreamscapes with Daleks.
45. Even if that was what I was thinking about at the time.
46. Nor do I have a sonic screwdriver in my pants.
47. Arthur is not secretly a lizard-alien come to steal our water.
48. Nor is he a Cylon.
49. Nor is he a Replicant.
50. I am no longer allowed to use the Voight-Kampff test on Arthur to prove that he’s a Replicant.