Comments | childfree: SO over this...

introvertjmm in childfree

SO over this...

Mar 24, 2014 13:08

I've never been the kind to coo over babies, I rarely played with baby dolls as a kid, I never babysat as a teenager, kids on an airplane make me almost homicidal and I think pregnancy and childbirth are two of the most disgusting things imaginable. I also generally like animals more than kids. On the flip side, I always thought it would be fun to ( Read more... )

marriage, husband, annoyed, dont need no kids

Comments 30

majorenglishesq March 24 2014, 21:41:31 UTC

and look back with regret that we didn't acquire a child

Key word: acquire.

In the first place, this whole time, you've been working against your instincts. In the second, your true attitude on having a child is not that you might have one, but acquire one. Yes, there's plenty of kids with the damage already done to them when they're fostered or adopted.

Do you think that your situation or the child's situation will be improved by treating their adoption as an acquisition? As a ticky-mark to be crossed off your husband's life to-do list? As a tax write-off?To-do lists are a set-up in the first place. They're a grift. You changed your mind on having children and put in all that effort so that you could get pregnant. You went to bat, you stepped up and played the game even though, it seems, you weren't ready for it ( ... )

introvertjmm March 24 2014, 21:59:15 UTC

I think I used the word "acquire" only because actually "having" one is now off the table. The only way a child would come into our lives is if we "acquire" one from elsewhere. I've never looked at having a child as an item on a to-do list ( ... )

flamingnik March 24 2014, 22:31:53 UTC

Thank you.

Regardless of how you feel about kids, they aren't a book or a handbag. A child is a small human. You don't acquire them. You have them, either naturally or through adoption.

Say that one of your rounds of in vitro took and you ended up with a kid. If that child grew up and had deep psychological or developmental problems, would you go to the doctor and demand a refund?

I feel for your situation, but the attitude I'm perceiving from you that children are a commodity you can acquire, and heavens to Betsy if the kid is somehow defective is rubbing me the wrong way. Best of luck to you.

rustica March 24 2014, 22:14:29 UTC

You really seem to have taken the brunt of this, what with the medical testing and the worry of not wanting a child. I wonder what would happen if this burden was shared more equally with your husband? You seem to be protecting him from the reality of the situation. If you were to tell him, really tell him, that this has gone far enough, what would happen next? Is that the part that you are looking for suggestions for? Because, really, from what you've said (and the fact that you've said it here on Childfree!), you sound like you already know what you want, you just don't know what to do now ( ... )

lmichelle599 March 24 2014, 23:03:16 UTC

Did the two of you discuss whether you were going to have children before you got married? Were you on the fence about this? Did you think you'd feel differently after you married him? Did he feel things would change after the two of you were married? Is there outside pressure from friends and family to have children and be a "complete" family?

the_punk_hippie March 26 2014, 02:40:29 UTC

This is what I was wondering.
Kids can't be compromised on; either you both want them, or you don't. Anything inbetween is going to make someone unhappy.

annie05 March 25 2014, 04:45:23 UTC

I am very much afraid to end up where you are now... I'm 35, my partner is 30. He says that he doesn't want to have kids ever, just like me. I'm quite worried that he might change his mind in a few years, and I will have to walk exactly the same path as you are, because I too love him so much and don't want him to be unhappy because of me :(

Would you consider family counselling? I can see how you have done 100% and more, and how unreasonable it would be to get a kid at this stage. But I don't think your partner sees it this way. So I thought maybe a few sessions with a good psycho would help to align your perception?

I wish you good luck with any way you choose!

the_punk_hippie March 26 2014, 02:42:00 UTC

I understand how you feel - my husband had a vasectomy on our 2 year anniversary, & I STILL worry that he's going to change his mind (when we met, he told me he could go either way on having kids)

the good news is it's been almost 5 years that we've been together & he seems more childfree than ever, so hopefully it'll work out for you as well :D

annie05 March 26 2014, 03:29:02 UTC

Thank you!:) I hope so too :)

ferrousoxide March 25 2014, 07:11:33 UTC

This is not a great situation. But all of your responses to advice here, despite what you've done to try to concieve, seem to me to scream "I don't want one!" You didn't really want one to begin with and it's been expense, pain, frustration and other things you'd rather not have spent your time doing. You clearly aren't interested (for whatever reason) in adopting someone who isn't a baby, and clearly would rather just live a good life with someone you love ( ... )