First Love, Chapter 13
Chapter 13
“Reid?”
“Hmm?”
“When did you stop hating me?”
Luke could feel Reid rotate his head several degrees toward him. He could feel the easy strength, heavy and claiming, in Reid’s arm around his shoulder. Of Reid’s hand on his hand where it lay on Reid’s thigh. Reid was stroking the back of Luke’s hand with his thumb. Luke relaxed even more against Reid’s shoulder and neck.
“I never hated you.”
“Uh, yeah, you did. We hated each other.”
“I never hated you. I hated what you made me feel.”
Luke frowned but didn’t raise his head. “Which was?”
Reid didn’t answer immediately. “Feelings.”
“Hate’s a feeling.”
Another silence. “Non-hate feelings.”
“Reid.”
Reid sighed. “You made me…uncomfortable. You made me think about you. My life was relatively simple before I met you. It was clean. Predictable. You disturbed my equilibrium. Plus, I wanted to jump you.”
“Even at the beginning?”
“Even at the beginning.”
A tongue of wind ruffled Luke’s hair against Reid’s chin. Neither man moved.
“But…then…why were you so mean? Not that you were sunshine and roses with anyone…and I know that I was the one who…um…kidnapped you, but…you always seemed to have a little extra venom reserved for me. That didn’t really start to change until…I don’t know, maybe around the time…”
“I found out that you and Noah had broken up?”
“Oh. I guess…but what would that have had to do with anything?”
“Luke. Not only was I having inconvenient feelings for the pampered prince who was largely responsible for my indentured servitude, but I couldn’t even do anything about them. Not that I would have…probably…but you two were practically married. He was your life, blah blah. ‘You should try being in love’ blah blah.”
Luke winced.
“Every time I saw you…it just reminded me of what I could never have.” Reid’s voice was calm. “So forgive me if I was a little cranky.”
By now more ducks had congregated under the willow tree. Their occasional flaps and splashes were the only sounds in Luke and Reid’s corner of the pond.
“You really found me attractive from the beginning?”
The fingers at Luke’s shoulder had been sketching abstract shapes. “Remember when you ran into me with that file of supposed bad-dad photos?”
“Right…the ones that were actually of a guy with Huntington’s.”
“Remember what I did when they fell on the ground?”
“You mean, other than delight me with your wit? Um…you pretty much did nothing, if I remember correctly. In fact, you stood on them when I tried to pick them up. Then…yeah, then you suddenly started helping. It was kinda weird, actually.”
“I liked seeing you down there.”
Luke lifted his head.
“On your knees.” Reid looked into Luke’s eyes. “In front of me.”
Luke was scalded by the heat in Reid’s gaze. Slowly Reid smiled and lifted the hand around Luke’s shoulder to settle his head back into the crook of Reid’s neck. His hand rested in Luke’s hair. It slowly sifted.
“I didn’t believe him.” Luke was surprised to hear himself say the words out loud.
“Who?”
“What? Oh, nothing.” Shut up, Luke.
The hand in Luke’s hair stilled. Started again.
“Noah?”
“It’s nothing.”
“What didn’t you believe?”
“It’s just…he said that you’d told him you’d started having feelings for me the second or third time you met me.”
Reid turned his head so that his mouth was in Luke’s hair. “Laid eyes on you.”
Luke momentarily lost his train of thought. “Right…I just…I found it hard to believe, that’s all.”
Reid’s hand sifted. Again. “You were the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Your mouth….” The fingers briefly faltered. “And you were definitely not my type.”
Luke tracked the heat as it moved up his body. “You had a type?”
“Yeah. Tall, dark, and silent."
“And now?”
Luke’s hair moved each time Reid exhaled. “Only you.”
Luke shut his eyes and turned his face into Reid’s shoulder. Reid’s hand flattened against the back of Luke’s head. Their clasped hands tightened; Luke added his free hand, covering Reid’s as it covered his.
Luke’s breath warmed the skin of Reid’s neck. It intensified his scent. Luke breathed it in, made it part of him. Claimed it as part of his own essence.
When Luke spoke, his voice was muffled. “I didn’t hate you either.”
Reid slowly rubbed his mouth against Luke’s hair. “Hmm?”
“Even at the beginning. Well, maybe on the phone that first time.”
“But then you saw how hot I was.”
Smiling, Luke turned his head to the side again, still resting it on Reid’s shoulder. “That was the problem.”
“Hotness is never a problem.”
“Unless you can’t have the person, right?”
Reid didn’t answer.
“Not that I wanted to have you…I mean, I was totally committed to…and, anyway, of course I thought you were straight. But the fact that I found you hot at all….” Luke’s voice drifted.
“You are allowed to find other people attractive even when you’re…committed.”
Now Luke was silent. He looked down at their three joined hands.
“There may have been dreams.”
Reid bent his head as if hear Luke better. “What?”
“I…may have dreamt about you. A few times.”
Reid’s fingers began to massage Luke’s head. His voice dropped. “What kind of dreams?”
Luke kept his eyes down.
“Luke…what kind of dreams?”
“You know…those kinds. Not at first…at first we would just fight. Occasionally, there’d be monkeys. And, OK, sometimes I would be naked, but I think that was probably more of an anxiety thing. You know, over not being able to convince you to do the surgery.”
“But then?”
“But then…the fights would kind of…take a turn.”
Reid’s fingers continued to massage. “Tell me.”
Luke took a deep breath. “There was…that time I showed up early at Noah’s appointment, hoping to catch him so I could talk to him about Damian’s disappearance. And instead I ran into you.”
“I remember. I remember your hair was in your face.”
You do?
“Yeah, well…I remember that you were such an ass…I guess I really did hate you then. For keeping Noah and me apart.”
The hands in Luke’s hair slowed.
“Which…is what made my dream that night all the more disturbing. I mean, I was supposed to hate you…I did…I thought I did. But in my dream…when you threatened to drop Noah as a patient if I didn’t tell you why I was looking for him…in my dream I pushed you.” Luke had begun to rub the top of Reid’s hand. “I slapped my hands against your chest, and I pushed and I pushed…until I was kind of in you…my hands were caught in your chest. And I couldn’t understand why that was so thrilling…to be part of you like that. And then you pushed back.”
Reid’s fingers deepened their massage.
“You pushed me…hard…until I could feel the slats of the blinds against my back and the doorknob in my side. It was weird how it was so vivid…how I could remember it so clearly when I woke up. When you pushed me, my hands were still in you, so the force of your push meant that you slammed into me when I hit the door. I remember feeling your breath against the side of my face…it was hot and hard…like you were forcing me to breathe it in…so that part of you would be inside of me, too. And then your hands went around me and they…they dropped down to the small of my back.” Luke could feel Reid’s breath against his face, could feel the short bursts coming more quickly. “You…I don’t know…you somehow made me look into your eyes, and they were so angry…you were so angry. Like you wanted to punish me. But your hands…they were gentle. I could feel them rubbing, inching lower and lower.” Luke took a deep breath. “All I wanted was for you to keep going…to go all the way down…to rub everything, to dig your fingers into my skin, for the clothes to be gone. For your fingers to be inside of me….”
Luke turned one hand so that he could press both palms against Reid’s hand. Fingers intertwined. Gripped and released.
“Finally, finally, your hands went down…and they pulled me even closer toward you. All of me. But especially below…your hands pulled and pulled until I was as pressed against you as I could be…until our cocks were pressed together, burning each other through our clothes. And then you pulled me into you. Until our cocks were, somehow, like…merged, or something. Like I was sliding into you and rubbing against you and becoming part of you all at the same time. And my hands were still in your chest and everything was so hot and liquid and pulsating…so consuming…like we were being fused together…our flesh and our insides…like I could live inside you….”
Luke smiled nervously. “OK, it sounds kinda gross when I describe it.”
Luke could feel Reid shake his head.
“It was…it was just so…intense. And it disturbed the shit out of me. I felt like I’d cheated.”
Reid murmured against Luke’s head. “You didn’t ask for it.”
“Yeah, well, it didn’t help that it was the most turned on I’d been in a long time. That I don’t think I’d ever felt that kind of passion before. And it was only a dream. I’d certainly never dreamt about Noah that way. I could barely even look him in the eye after that. And it was just one of many.”
“Many, huh?”
Luke sighed against Reid’s neck. “Ohh yeah. Practically every night. Especially if we’d had a run-in that day. Then I was sure to relive it that night, only with a twist. Lots and lots of twists. And then I’d have to face Noah. And you. I was almost glad you’d given me an excuse not to be with him every day.”
Reid’s fingers gently massaged the outside of Luke’s ear. “You know, just for the record, when I agreed to take on Noah as a patient, I’d originally told him only to keep you away from me. I didn’t say anything about what you two did on your own time.” Reid ignored Luke’s disbelieving noise. “Now, did I hasten to point that out when I saw you taking things to extremes…maybe not. Maybe part of me…even part that I consciously acknowledged…was happy to see trouble in paradise. And I did believe that your codependency wasn’t good for either of you.” Reid’s hand moved restlessly against both of Luke’s. “I just knew I couldn’t handle seeing you play the devoted boyfriend every day. That definitely wouldn’t have been good for me.”
Reid watched their fingers play. “But as for these dreams, they were nothing to beat yourself up over…it wasn’t cheating. It’s not like you had any control over them.”
Luke expelled a short breath. “Maybe not…but I certainly had control when I masturbated to them.”
Reid’s hand in Luke’s hair stilled, and he lifted his head to look at Luke. Reid’s eyes were bright. “You don’t say?”
Luke had thought he was beyond blushing. “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.”
The hand that had been in Luke’s hair moved down to his back. “Oh…you’re telling me.”
Luke smiled and buried his face in Reid’s shoulder. “I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was like you’d infected my nights and my days. I couldn’t even get off thinking about Noah any more. And that freaked the living heck out me.” Luke took Reid’s hand and turned it so that the palm was facing up. He began to draw on it with a finger. “And it wasn’t just to the dreams…I’d fantasize about our fights. Pretty much any interaction, really. I didn’t even have to turn it into something dirty.” Luke grinned. “Of course I’d do that, too.”
“Which fights?”
“Jeez, I don’t know…any of them…all of them. Mmm, yeah…I remember getting a lot of mileage out of that time at the police station, when Damian was being shipped off to prison.”
“Yeah…that was a good one.” Reid sounded wistful.
Luke shot a look at Reid. “It was something, that’s for sure. We were both asses that day…I can’t believe I slammed you against the wall.”
“Neither could I.”
“You took it in stride, though. Your snark was in especially fine form.”
Reid lightly dragged his nails in circles on Luke’s back. “And why do you think that was, Luke?”
Luke lifted his head.
“You do realize it took every last measure of willpower I possessed not to grab your face and suck your tongue out of your mouth? Not to spin you around and pin you up against the wall with my dick? I had to say something to get you away from me.” Reid’s eyes began to smolder at Luke’s surprised look. “You weren’t the only one who fantasized about our fights.”
The spark caught in Luke’s eyes. “Tell me one.”
The hand on Luke’s back circled lower. “Let’s see…there was that day in the courtroom, when you testified that I hadn’t stolen your car. But that wasn’t a fight, so it doesn’t count.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“No…doesn’t count…and it was really just your basic blowjob. Although there were the later variations….” Reid shook his head. “And then of course there was…no, again, not a fight. And it kind of goes without saying, anyway.”
“What?”
“Mechanical bull.”
Luke grinned. “Yeah, definitely a given.”
Reid’s hand continued to trace low, lazy circles. “Ah, I know. Elevator.”
“Mmm, the elevator. Good choice.” Luke returned his head to Reid’s shoulder.
“Yeah…still technically not a fight, I suppose….”
“But there was pushing involved, so totally counts.”
“Well I had to push you, didn’t I? Otherwise you would have killed us both with your jumping.”
“Mmm, yes…definitely saved the day.”
“Exactly. And in my version, you properly showed your gratitude.”
“Oh I did, did I?
“Absolutely. I’m pretty sure at some point you called me your hero.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
The hand on Luke’s back made small circles just above his waistband.
Luke subtly leaned back into Reid’s hand. “That push…you were so intense, so raw. And by then of course I knew you were gay…which had just, like, turned my fantasies up to 11. I mean, not that I thought you were into me…definitely not…but the fact that you were into guys at all…that it was theoretically possible for my fantasies to become real…let’s just say my showers became even longer than they already had been.”
Luke began to outline each of Reid’s fingers. “You asked if your admitting you were human would make my day.”
“And you said it would be a start. Or...something like that.”
Luke smiled. “Yeah, well, in my fantasies…” The smile turned wicked. “…you would finish.” He focused on Reid’s third finger. “But…to be honest, I think the hottest part was when you opened up to me. When you let me see inside.”
A small dog ran up to the water a few feet away. Several ducks scattered. A light breeze carried the suggestion of a chill; Luke molded himself to Reid, absorbing his warmth. Relishing the contact, the connection.
Reid’s voice was soft when he spoke. “Actually…that might not have been exactly how my fantasy went.”
Luke shifted his head slightly but said nothing.
“After I pushed you against the side of the elevator…in my mind…when I’d think about it…you would respond by reaching out. By touching my face. You were able see through me…you could see the fear, the irrationality of it. Only this time, you didn’t try to calm me with words. You…”
Luke waited for Reid to continue.
“You wanted to help, of course, because that’s who you are. That’s what I loved, even then.”
Luke tried to suppress his soft gasp.
“So you rubbed my face. You held it. Looked into my eyes. Yours were so deep, so…so vast. Like there was enough room in there to take in the whole world, like the world was missing out…if only it knew what was in your eyes. I still couldn’t feel, was beyond feeling, beyond thinking. But I responded to those eyes. And then you smiled. You smiled like you knew me, like you knew every part of me…and you wanted me anyway. And then you reached for me…your hands on the side of my face…”
Again, Luke just waited.
“And you put my head on your shoulder. One hand moved to the back of my head while the other went around my back and pulled me against you. And your hand rubbed…both hands rubbed…and stroked…and…and you whispered in my ear. Not words, not usually...more like, soothing noises. Like we were beyond words. And your arms and hands were strong, and my arms and hands were strong and they moved around you…around your back…the back of your head…into your hair…” Reid’s eyes closed briefly. “And then we had hot, crazy sex.”
Luke’s eyes were already closed. He smiled. He was beyond words.
The silence stretched. The ducks moved on, leaving only the branches of the willow to disturb the water.
After several minutes Luke opened his eyes and shifted his head so that he could see Reid’s face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” At Reid’s look, Luke quickly clarified, “Why did you wait so long? And don’t give me some line about it not coming up or your not being an over-sharer like I was. It had to have been deliberate. For someone so out-of-the-closet, you had to have gone to some effort for it never to have come up.”
Reid looked at Luke. He brushed a piece of hair off Luke’s forehead. “You’re right. I didn’t want you to find out.”
“Why not? It never made any sense.”
“Sure it did. I knew that…once you knew…it would be only a matter of time.”
Luke cocked his head. “Until what?”
“Until I showed my hand.”
Luke smiled softly. He lifted Reid’s hand and gently kissed it: first the back, and then the palm. He then interlaced the fingers with those of his own hand and placed it back on Reid’s thigh.
Reid’s other hand moved back and forth along the top of Luke’s belt. “That’s part of the reason why, at first, I almost turned down the neuro wing.”
Luke looked up at Reid, surprised.
“Yeah…when Katie first told me about Hank’s philanthropy, I actually told her that it didn’t matter, that I was still going back to Dallas. Part of it was not wanting to embroil Memorial in the Judd mess, but mostly…I knew I just had to get out of there. It was bad enough, my wanting someone I couldn’t have. It would have been simply unbearable for you to have known it.”
Luke threaded the fingers of his free hand through Reid’s hair.
Reid leaned into Luke’s hand. “I was already afraid my feelings for you were compromising who I was as a doctor. That I was losing myself…who I’d always been. That day you came to find Noah, when Damian had disappeared…afterward I was completely unprofessional with Noah. You had thrown me, and I took it out on him.”
“I’d thrown you?”
There was no humor in Reid’s brief smile. “You’d looked so lost…you made me feel things…things not entirely sexual. I didn’t want to force you to tell me what was wrong…I just…I couldn’t stop. I found myself actually wanting to...to help you or comfort you or something. You were making things messy for me. I hate messes.”
“I had no idea.”
“Why do you think I called you Mr. Snyder for so long?”
Luke lifted his eyebrows.
“It was the last line of defense.”
“But you finally did call me Luke.”
“My life had just been given back to me. Thanks to you.” Reid turned to look at Luke. “And once I’d kissed you…I didn’t want to take it back.” His gaze was steady. “All the lying to myself, to you…the avoiding…I didn’t see the point any more. Life was too short. Nothing was certain. Well…almost nothing.”
Luke felt the certainty in Reid’s eyes. The certainty of then. He just needed that same certainty now.
Luke’s hand traced the side of Reid’s face. “So…this messiness I made…that you were trying to keep so clean…is that why you were so quick to insist the next day that nothing had happened when you’d come to my place asking me not to say anything about Mr. Judd?”
Reid’s lip quirked almost imperceptibly. “Maybe.”
Luke was close enough to breathe Reid’s breath. “I wanted to kiss you that day.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Luke…you kept looking at my mouth.”
Luke grinned. “Yeah, I guess I do that sometimes.”
“Sometimes.” Reid smiled as well.
Luke’s eyes dropped. “Even though I’d just broken up with Noah…all I could think about was kissing you.”
Reid slipped the hand at Luke’s belt up under his shirt and ran a finger along the flesh above his waistband. “What about now?”
Luke’s fingers moved just below Reid’s bottom lip. He nodded. “Now…an hour ago…” He looked up into Reid’s eyes. “A year ago.”
Reid’s hand stilled. Luke could see Reid’s Adam’s apple move as he swallowed, but only out of the corner of his eye; Luke didn’t break Reid’s gaze.
Slowly, Reid moved his hand father under Luke’s shirt so that his palm was pressed against the small of Luke’s back. Skin to skin. “I want to be alone with you.”
Luke’s eyes and face lit simultaneously. He drew his hand down Reid’s face, down his neck, down his chest. He pressed his palm over Reid’s heart. Briefly, he rested his forehead against Reid’s. Then, squeezing Reid’s hand with his other hand, he pulled Reid with him as he slid off the bench.
Luke’s eyes shone. “Come with me.”
Author's Note: One place to find scenes mentioned in this chapter is happyinchintz's youtube page (bless her!), and they include parts 10.5, 14, 19, 24, 26, and 27 (both the reveal and the end) of Dr. Reid Oliver’s story.
“Reid?”
“Hmm?”
“When did you stop hating me?”
Luke could feel Reid rotate his head several degrees toward him. He could feel the easy strength, heavy and claiming, in Reid’s arm around his shoulder. Of Reid’s hand on his hand where it lay on Reid’s thigh. Reid was stroking the back of Luke’s hand with his thumb. Luke relaxed even more against Reid’s shoulder and neck.
“I never hated you.”
“Uh, yeah, you did. We hated each other.”
“I never hated you. I hated what you made me feel.”
Luke frowned but didn’t raise his head. “Which was?”
Reid didn’t answer immediately. “Feelings.”
“Hate’s a feeling.”
Another silence. “Non-hate feelings.”
“Reid.”
Reid sighed. “You made me…uncomfortable. You made me think about you. My life was relatively simple before I met you. It was clean. Predictable. You disturbed my equilibrium. Plus, I wanted to jump you.”
“Even at the beginning?”
“Even at the beginning.”
A tongue of wind ruffled Luke’s hair against Reid’s chin. Neither man moved.
“But…then…why were you so mean? Not that you were sunshine and roses with anyone…and I know that I was the one who…um…kidnapped you, but…you always seemed to have a little extra venom reserved for me. That didn’t really start to change until…I don’t know, maybe around the time…”
“I found out that you and Noah had broken up?”
“Oh. I guess…but what would that have had to do with anything?”
“Luke. Not only was I having inconvenient feelings for the pampered prince who was largely responsible for my indentured servitude, but I couldn’t even do anything about them. Not that I would have…probably…but you two were practically married. He was your life, blah blah. ‘You should try being in love’ blah blah.”
Luke winced.
“Every time I saw you…it just reminded me of what I could never have.” Reid’s voice was calm. “So forgive me if I was a little cranky.”
By now more ducks had congregated under the willow tree. Their occasional flaps and splashes were the only sounds in Luke and Reid’s corner of the pond.
“You really found me attractive from the beginning?”
The fingers at Luke’s shoulder had been sketching abstract shapes. “Remember when you ran into me with that file of supposed bad-dad photos?”
“Right…the ones that were actually of a guy with Huntington’s.”
“Remember what I did when they fell on the ground?”
“You mean, other than delight me with your wit? Um…you pretty much did nothing, if I remember correctly. In fact, you stood on them when I tried to pick them up. Then…yeah, then you suddenly started helping. It was kinda weird, actually.”
“I liked seeing you down there.”
Luke lifted his head.
“On your knees.” Reid looked into Luke’s eyes. “In front of me.”
Luke was scalded by the heat in Reid’s gaze. Slowly Reid smiled and lifted the hand around Luke’s shoulder to settle his head back into the crook of Reid’s neck. His hand rested in Luke’s hair. It slowly sifted.
“I didn’t believe him.” Luke was surprised to hear himself say the words out loud.
“Who?”
“What? Oh, nothing.” Shut up, Luke.
The hand in Luke’s hair stilled. Started again.
“Noah?”
“It’s nothing.”
“What didn’t you believe?”
“It’s just…he said that you’d told him you’d started having feelings for me the second or third time you met me.”
Reid turned his head so that his mouth was in Luke’s hair. “Laid eyes on you.”
Luke momentarily lost his train of thought. “Right…I just…I found it hard to believe, that’s all.”
Reid’s hand sifted. Again. “You were the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Your mouth….” The fingers briefly faltered. “And you were definitely not my type.”
Luke tracked the heat as it moved up his body. “You had a type?”
“Yeah. Tall, dark, and silent."
“And now?”
Luke’s hair moved each time Reid exhaled. “Only you.”
Luke shut his eyes and turned his face into Reid’s shoulder. Reid’s hand flattened against the back of Luke’s head. Their clasped hands tightened; Luke added his free hand, covering Reid’s as it covered his.
Luke’s breath warmed the skin of Reid’s neck. It intensified his scent. Luke breathed it in, made it part of him. Claimed it as part of his own essence.
When Luke spoke, his voice was muffled. “I didn’t hate you either.”
Reid slowly rubbed his mouth against Luke’s hair. “Hmm?”
“Even at the beginning. Well, maybe on the phone that first time.”
“But then you saw how hot I was.”
Smiling, Luke turned his head to the side again, still resting it on Reid’s shoulder. “That was the problem.”
“Hotness is never a problem.”
“Unless you can’t have the person, right?”
Reid didn’t answer.
“Not that I wanted to have you…I mean, I was totally committed to…and, anyway, of course I thought you were straight. But the fact that I found you hot at all….” Luke’s voice drifted.
“You are allowed to find other people attractive even when you’re…committed.”
Now Luke was silent. He looked down at their three joined hands.
“There may have been dreams.”
Reid bent his head as if hear Luke better. “What?”
“I…may have dreamt about you. A few times.”
Reid’s fingers began to massage Luke’s head. His voice dropped. “What kind of dreams?”
Luke kept his eyes down.
“Luke…what kind of dreams?”
“You know…those kinds. Not at first…at first we would just fight. Occasionally, there’d be monkeys. And, OK, sometimes I would be naked, but I think that was probably more of an anxiety thing. You know, over not being able to convince you to do the surgery.”
“But then?”
“But then…the fights would kind of…take a turn.”
Reid’s fingers continued to massage. “Tell me.”
Luke took a deep breath. “There was…that time I showed up early at Noah’s appointment, hoping to catch him so I could talk to him about Damian’s disappearance. And instead I ran into you.”
“I remember. I remember your hair was in your face.”
You do?
“Yeah, well…I remember that you were such an ass…I guess I really did hate you then. For keeping Noah and me apart.”
The hands in Luke’s hair slowed.
“Which…is what made my dream that night all the more disturbing. I mean, I was supposed to hate you…I did…I thought I did. But in my dream…when you threatened to drop Noah as a patient if I didn’t tell you why I was looking for him…in my dream I pushed you.” Luke had begun to rub the top of Reid’s hand. “I slapped my hands against your chest, and I pushed and I pushed…until I was kind of in you…my hands were caught in your chest. And I couldn’t understand why that was so thrilling…to be part of you like that. And then you pushed back.”
Reid’s fingers deepened their massage.
“You pushed me…hard…until I could feel the slats of the blinds against my back and the doorknob in my side. It was weird how it was so vivid…how I could remember it so clearly when I woke up. When you pushed me, my hands were still in you, so the force of your push meant that you slammed into me when I hit the door. I remember feeling your breath against the side of my face…it was hot and hard…like you were forcing me to breathe it in…so that part of you would be inside of me, too. And then your hands went around me and they…they dropped down to the small of my back.” Luke could feel Reid’s breath against his face, could feel the short bursts coming more quickly. “You…I don’t know…you somehow made me look into your eyes, and they were so angry…you were so angry. Like you wanted to punish me. But your hands…they were gentle. I could feel them rubbing, inching lower and lower.” Luke took a deep breath. “All I wanted was for you to keep going…to go all the way down…to rub everything, to dig your fingers into my skin, for the clothes to be gone. For your fingers to be inside of me….”
Luke turned one hand so that he could press both palms against Reid’s hand. Fingers intertwined. Gripped and released.
“Finally, finally, your hands went down…and they pulled me even closer toward you. All of me. But especially below…your hands pulled and pulled until I was as pressed against you as I could be…until our cocks were pressed together, burning each other through our clothes. And then you pulled me into you. Until our cocks were, somehow, like…merged, or something. Like I was sliding into you and rubbing against you and becoming part of you all at the same time. And my hands were still in your chest and everything was so hot and liquid and pulsating…so consuming…like we were being fused together…our flesh and our insides…like I could live inside you….”
Luke smiled nervously. “OK, it sounds kinda gross when I describe it.”
Luke could feel Reid shake his head.
“It was…it was just so…intense. And it disturbed the shit out of me. I felt like I’d cheated.”
Reid murmured against Luke’s head. “You didn’t ask for it.”
“Yeah, well, it didn’t help that it was the most turned on I’d been in a long time. That I don’t think I’d ever felt that kind of passion before. And it was only a dream. I’d certainly never dreamt about Noah that way. I could barely even look him in the eye after that. And it was just one of many.”
“Many, huh?”
Luke sighed against Reid’s neck. “Ohh yeah. Practically every night. Especially if we’d had a run-in that day. Then I was sure to relive it that night, only with a twist. Lots and lots of twists. And then I’d have to face Noah. And you. I was almost glad you’d given me an excuse not to be with him every day.”
Reid’s fingers gently massaged the outside of Luke’s ear. “You know, just for the record, when I agreed to take on Noah as a patient, I’d originally told him only to keep you away from me. I didn’t say anything about what you two did on your own time.” Reid ignored Luke’s disbelieving noise. “Now, did I hasten to point that out when I saw you taking things to extremes…maybe not. Maybe part of me…even part that I consciously acknowledged…was happy to see trouble in paradise. And I did believe that your codependency wasn’t good for either of you.” Reid’s hand moved restlessly against both of Luke’s. “I just knew I couldn’t handle seeing you play the devoted boyfriend every day. That definitely wouldn’t have been good for me.”
Reid watched their fingers play. “But as for these dreams, they were nothing to beat yourself up over…it wasn’t cheating. It’s not like you had any control over them.”
Luke expelled a short breath. “Maybe not…but I certainly had control when I masturbated to them.”
Reid’s hand in Luke’s hair stilled, and he lifted his head to look at Luke. Reid’s eyes were bright. “You don’t say?”
Luke had thought he was beyond blushing. “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.”
The hand that had been in Luke’s hair moved down to his back. “Oh…you’re telling me.”
Luke smiled and buried his face in Reid’s shoulder. “I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was like you’d infected my nights and my days. I couldn’t even get off thinking about Noah any more. And that freaked the living heck out me.” Luke took Reid’s hand and turned it so that the palm was facing up. He began to draw on it with a finger. “And it wasn’t just to the dreams…I’d fantasize about our fights. Pretty much any interaction, really. I didn’t even have to turn it into something dirty.” Luke grinned. “Of course I’d do that, too.”
“Which fights?”
“Jeez, I don’t know…any of them…all of them. Mmm, yeah…I remember getting a lot of mileage out of that time at the police station, when Damian was being shipped off to prison.”
“Yeah…that was a good one.” Reid sounded wistful.
Luke shot a look at Reid. “It was something, that’s for sure. We were both asses that day…I can’t believe I slammed you against the wall.”
“Neither could I.”
“You took it in stride, though. Your snark was in especially fine form.”
Reid lightly dragged his nails in circles on Luke’s back. “And why do you think that was, Luke?”
Luke lifted his head.
“You do realize it took every last measure of willpower I possessed not to grab your face and suck your tongue out of your mouth? Not to spin you around and pin you up against the wall with my dick? I had to say something to get you away from me.” Reid’s eyes began to smolder at Luke’s surprised look. “You weren’t the only one who fantasized about our fights.”
The spark caught in Luke’s eyes. “Tell me one.”
The hand on Luke’s back circled lower. “Let’s see…there was that day in the courtroom, when you testified that I hadn’t stolen your car. But that wasn’t a fight, so it doesn’t count.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“No…doesn’t count…and it was really just your basic blowjob. Although there were the later variations….” Reid shook his head. “And then of course there was…no, again, not a fight. And it kind of goes without saying, anyway.”
“What?”
“Mechanical bull.”
Luke grinned. “Yeah, definitely a given.”
Reid’s hand continued to trace low, lazy circles. “Ah, I know. Elevator.”
“Mmm, the elevator. Good choice.” Luke returned his head to Reid’s shoulder.
“Yeah…still technically not a fight, I suppose….”
“But there was pushing involved, so totally counts.”
“Well I had to push you, didn’t I? Otherwise you would have killed us both with your jumping.”
“Mmm, yes…definitely saved the day.”
“Exactly. And in my version, you properly showed your gratitude.”
“Oh I did, did I?
“Absolutely. I’m pretty sure at some point you called me your hero.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
The hand on Luke’s back made small circles just above his waistband.
Luke subtly leaned back into Reid’s hand. “That push…you were so intense, so raw. And by then of course I knew you were gay…which had just, like, turned my fantasies up to 11. I mean, not that I thought you were into me…definitely not…but the fact that you were into guys at all…that it was theoretically possible for my fantasies to become real…let’s just say my showers became even longer than they already had been.”
Luke began to outline each of Reid’s fingers. “You asked if your admitting you were human would make my day.”
“And you said it would be a start. Or...something like that.”
Luke smiled. “Yeah, well, in my fantasies…” The smile turned wicked. “…you would finish.” He focused on Reid’s third finger. “But…to be honest, I think the hottest part was when you opened up to me. When you let me see inside.”
A small dog ran up to the water a few feet away. Several ducks scattered. A light breeze carried the suggestion of a chill; Luke molded himself to Reid, absorbing his warmth. Relishing the contact, the connection.
Reid’s voice was soft when he spoke. “Actually…that might not have been exactly how my fantasy went.”
Luke shifted his head slightly but said nothing.
“After I pushed you against the side of the elevator…in my mind…when I’d think about it…you would respond by reaching out. By touching my face. You were able see through me…you could see the fear, the irrationality of it. Only this time, you didn’t try to calm me with words. You…”
Luke waited for Reid to continue.
“You wanted to help, of course, because that’s who you are. That’s what I loved, even then.”
Luke tried to suppress his soft gasp.
“So you rubbed my face. You held it. Looked into my eyes. Yours were so deep, so…so vast. Like there was enough room in there to take in the whole world, like the world was missing out…if only it knew what was in your eyes. I still couldn’t feel, was beyond feeling, beyond thinking. But I responded to those eyes. And then you smiled. You smiled like you knew me, like you knew every part of me…and you wanted me anyway. And then you reached for me…your hands on the side of my face…”
Again, Luke just waited.
“And you put my head on your shoulder. One hand moved to the back of my head while the other went around my back and pulled me against you. And your hand rubbed…both hands rubbed…and stroked…and…and you whispered in my ear. Not words, not usually...more like, soothing noises. Like we were beyond words. And your arms and hands were strong, and my arms and hands were strong and they moved around you…around your back…the back of your head…into your hair…” Reid’s eyes closed briefly. “And then we had hot, crazy sex.”
Luke’s eyes were already closed. He smiled. He was beyond words.
The silence stretched. The ducks moved on, leaving only the branches of the willow to disturb the water.
After several minutes Luke opened his eyes and shifted his head so that he could see Reid’s face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” At Reid’s look, Luke quickly clarified, “Why did you wait so long? And don’t give me some line about it not coming up or your not being an over-sharer like I was. It had to have been deliberate. For someone so out-of-the-closet, you had to have gone to some effort for it never to have come up.”
Reid looked at Luke. He brushed a piece of hair off Luke’s forehead. “You’re right. I didn’t want you to find out.”
“Why not? It never made any sense.”
“Sure it did. I knew that…once you knew…it would be only a matter of time.”
Luke cocked his head. “Until what?”
“Until I showed my hand.”
Luke smiled softly. He lifted Reid’s hand and gently kissed it: first the back, and then the palm. He then interlaced the fingers with those of his own hand and placed it back on Reid’s thigh.
Reid’s other hand moved back and forth along the top of Luke’s belt. “That’s part of the reason why, at first, I almost turned down the neuro wing.”
Luke looked up at Reid, surprised.
“Yeah…when Katie first told me about Hank’s philanthropy, I actually told her that it didn’t matter, that I was still going back to Dallas. Part of it was not wanting to embroil Memorial in the Judd mess, but mostly…I knew I just had to get out of there. It was bad enough, my wanting someone I couldn’t have. It would have been simply unbearable for you to have known it.”
Luke threaded the fingers of his free hand through Reid’s hair.
Reid leaned into Luke’s hand. “I was already afraid my feelings for you were compromising who I was as a doctor. That I was losing myself…who I’d always been. That day you came to find Noah, when Damian had disappeared…afterward I was completely unprofessional with Noah. You had thrown me, and I took it out on him.”
“I’d thrown you?”
There was no humor in Reid’s brief smile. “You’d looked so lost…you made me feel things…things not entirely sexual. I didn’t want to force you to tell me what was wrong…I just…I couldn’t stop. I found myself actually wanting to...to help you or comfort you or something. You were making things messy for me. I hate messes.”
“I had no idea.”
“Why do you think I called you Mr. Snyder for so long?”
Luke lifted his eyebrows.
“It was the last line of defense.”
“But you finally did call me Luke.”
“My life had just been given back to me. Thanks to you.” Reid turned to look at Luke. “And once I’d kissed you…I didn’t want to take it back.” His gaze was steady. “All the lying to myself, to you…the avoiding…I didn’t see the point any more. Life was too short. Nothing was certain. Well…almost nothing.”
Luke felt the certainty in Reid’s eyes. The certainty of then. He just needed that same certainty now.
Luke’s hand traced the side of Reid’s face. “So…this messiness I made…that you were trying to keep so clean…is that why you were so quick to insist the next day that nothing had happened when you’d come to my place asking me not to say anything about Mr. Judd?”
Reid’s lip quirked almost imperceptibly. “Maybe.”
Luke was close enough to breathe Reid’s breath. “I wanted to kiss you that day.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Luke…you kept looking at my mouth.”
Luke grinned. “Yeah, I guess I do that sometimes.”
“Sometimes.” Reid smiled as well.
Luke’s eyes dropped. “Even though I’d just broken up with Noah…all I could think about was kissing you.”
Reid slipped the hand at Luke’s belt up under his shirt and ran a finger along the flesh above his waistband. “What about now?”
Luke’s fingers moved just below Reid’s bottom lip. He nodded. “Now…an hour ago…” He looked up into Reid’s eyes. “A year ago.”
Reid’s hand stilled. Luke could see Reid’s Adam’s apple move as he swallowed, but only out of the corner of his eye; Luke didn’t break Reid’s gaze.
Slowly, Reid moved his hand father under Luke’s shirt so that his palm was pressed against the small of Luke’s back. Skin to skin. “I want to be alone with you.”
Luke’s eyes and face lit simultaneously. He drew his hand down Reid’s face, down his neck, down his chest. He pressed his palm over Reid’s heart. Briefly, he rested his forehead against Reid’s. Then, squeezing Reid’s hand with his other hand, he pulled Reid with him as he slid off the bench.
Luke’s eyes shone. “Come with me.”
Author's Note: One place to find scenes mentioned in this chapter is happyinchintz's youtube page (bless her!), and they include parts 10.5, 14, 19, 24, 26, and 27 (both the reveal and the end) of Dr. Reid Oliver’s story.