Monday Movie Mania!
I've been lax on my movie reviewing lately. I've seen some good films, and some bad ones, and, well, that's how things go. Let's recap and then get to the main event...
Unknown: Liam Neeson loses his memory and then beats ass. The concept of Liam Neeson as a professional asswhupper is perfectly reasonable; after "Taken", you couldn't help but accept the fact that Neeson was no longer a sissy Jedi Master who got pasted by a tattooed lunatic. This movie has explosions and car crashes and Skeletor. That's a win in my book.
The Mechanic: Jason Statham dares to replace Charles Bronson in this remake. Let's face it: While Charles Bronson is no slouch, Statham has enough presence (and less moustache) to fill in nicely. With some good fight scenes and well-planned assassinations, it makes for an enjoyable action film. Unless you miss Bronson's moustache, in which case, fair enough.
The Green Hornet: I didn't quite enjoy this one, as Seth Rogen made the Green Hornet more of a fool than a hero. Kato was the real power, and was fun to watch in martial arts action. Christoph Waltz was an enjoyable villain as the image-conscious "Bloodnowski". But Rogen just brought the film down to something less-than-pleasant.
Alpha and Omega: They're wolves! Wolves who only know two Greek letters: Number one and Number crap. Together, they have wacky adventures, fall in love, and save their wolf packs from wolf war. Bonus props for the secondary romance storyline, and for a Canadian goose who loves golf. Less props for predictability and average plot and writing. Might keep the kids entertained... but it could have been better.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader: The kids are back for more wacky hijinks in the land of talking animals, and this time they brought their pesky cousin Scrappy Doo Eustace with them. Eustace is a dick, gets beat up by a mouse, gets turned into a dragon, gets beat up by a sea serpent, gets fixed up by a lion, and somehow manages not to go insane. Also, Reepicheep is still the best character ever.
The A-Team: I'll be totally honest here: I was wrong. I thought this movie would be an abomination, a bastardization of good memories of watching the classic episodes back when I was younger. Behold: they made a movie that updated the time frame, changed a few aspects of the team, and yet incorporated every bit of characterization that was important in the original series. And they did it all well. I have to say, if you were like me and thought "This will be a disaster", give it a chance. It might surprise you.
Saw 3D: The Final Chapter: The Saw series concludes (or does it?) with this chapter, gratuitously laden with scenes that feature "COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU!" 3D action. Oh, and also blood and guts and stuff. The Jigsaw battle concludes with an unexpected twist and winner. Meanwhile, some other guy survives terrible things while watching his friends and colleagues die horribly. Also, pig masks. This movie only makes sense if you've watched the previous six.
Resident Evil: Afterlife: Mila Jovovich and zombie killing. I probably don't need to say much more than that. Plotwise, it's standard fare, evil corporate conspiracy, zombies, and innocent victims getting pasted. Also, this is movie #4 in the Resident Evil series, and I missed #2 and #3. But I got the gist of it, Mila Jovovich, zombie killing, guns, woohoo. And gratuitious setup for Resident Evil 5: Mila Jovovich Is Still Beating Zombie Ass.
Day of the Dead: This 2008 "remake" of Romero's classic might not be exactly what folks want from a remake, but it bears quite a few similarities to the original. Romero has updated the zombies from the slow shambling undead horde to the high-speed manic flesh-ripping zombies of recent years. But the idea is the same: everyone dies except the three key heroes. Pretty much what you expect from a zombie film: blood and gore and killing and zombification. And that's just fine. Even if all the "character development" is left by the wayside.
Battle: Los Angeles
Is the best part of this movie the complete annihilation of the city and population of Los Angeles? ...yes. It totally is. No one feels bad when hordes of Californians are gunned down by alien shock troopers storming the beaches with high-tech weaponry and the intent to kill every living thing in their path. I sure didn't feel bad. Take that, L.A.! New York City is tired of being Hollywood's whipping boy for every alien invasion and meteor strike that comes down the pike.
The movie runs a bit like "Independence Day": superpowerful aliens come down and annihilate everything human. Humans stand up and fight and get handed some quality asswhupping. Then, when all seems lost, hope springs forth and a happy ending looms ahead. B:LA has the advantage in that it is not as utterly cheesetacular as ID, and makes an effort at not being completely implausible. Also, Aaron Eckhart makes a better action hero than Jeff Goldblum. No offense, Brundle-Fly.
The plot: Aliens invade! The army fights back! Everyone dies! Happy ending possible!
The pros: Like I said, it's presented in a more "realistic" fashion than Independence Day. Military activity seems very logical, and the actors portray a wide variety of troops under increasing pressure. The battle scenes are intense and constant; you feel the pressure throughout the film, as our dwindling number of heroes try to reach a safe haven, only to fail at every turn. Finally, they go all out against the alien hordes to try and make a last stand for humanity... and hey! They succeed! Armed with new knowledge on how to defeat the evil alien overlords, they go back home... and prepare for another day of battle. Awww.
The cons: It's really just another alien invasion movie. Not Shakespeare. But it's fun, and while saying "it's better than Avatar or Independence Day" might not be the highest praise, it's still the truth. There is a bit of shaky-cam action, just to make sure our motion sickness sufferers feel maximum discomfort. We have Alien Autopsy, we have loud explosions, and various improbabilities (seriously, how did that ENORMOUS thing get into the sewers?). But it's still a fun ride.
The verdict: Come on, it's an alien invasion movie. You can't go wrong here. Well, yes, you can, but you can go much worse than this.
Disclaimer: Michelle Rodriguez might be typecast to be the spunky token military female... and I'm okay with that.
Monsters
The first joke to make about an alien infestation that takes place between the USA and Mexico is, of course, "hurr hurr, illegal aliens". Fair enough. Once you get that out of your system and watch the movie, you have something that is an interesting take on alien invasions and how to handle them.
Some of the film bears a similarity to "District 9", in that it has some documentary-like elements where our hero and heroine are trying to reach safety in a place that is far from safe. Mostly it's trauma and stress and danger and tentacles and... yeah, tentacles.
The plot: Two people have to cross from Mexico to the USA. Illegal border crossings have not been this fucked up since the Berlin Wall came down.
The pros: The alien invasion is not really an invasion like "Battle: Los Angeles", above. This is more of an infestation, an alien plague. The aliens do not demonstrate any kind of technology or superintelligence; they seem more like giant animals, just doing what nature intended for them to do. How do people react to this kind of invasion? Therein lies the story. As a photographer and his boss's daughter make their way through the dangerous infected zone, we see the extent of the infection, and the destructive power of the monsters, and an ending that makes you wonder: who will win in the end?
The cons: The characters are human and do human things. This is not really a con, but you feel uncomfortable at times as you watch what happens. Also, tentacles. The film ends very abruptly, and you are left guessing at the outcome: does the infection continue? Do our heroes find love together? Do the monsters find love together? We just don't know.
The verdict: It was in like 5 theaters for a week. That's a shame... but it's an interesting film. Worth watching if you like a new twist on alien invasions.
Disclaimer: Tequila makes you do crazy stupid things. Most people already know this, but it's good to be reminded now and again.
Red Riding Hood
Let's take a timeless classic fairy tale and make a movie out of it! What, sounds like something Disney would do? Well, yes... but wait! Let's make it live-action and darker and eviller! Oooh, that's not very Disneyish anymore. And... let's throw in some Twilight stuff, because the kids love that! Ooooh, that's... very unexpected.
At its heart, we have a murder mystery featuring a werewolf. A village's age-old treaty with the creature has been broken, and blood will be spilt, and tensions will mount, and... oh, let's have some love with that too. Because things go better with love.
The plot: Little Red Riding Hood. You know the drill.
The pros: Gary Oldman, as always, is awesome. He's a holier-than-thou Inquisitor and Beast Hunter who steps in and chews up as much scenery as he can find in his search for the murderous werewolf. He and his team of armored badasses are badassed around by the special effects department and its giant wolf. The rest of the budget went into making costumes and buildings for this tiny medieval town in the snowy mountainous forest of spookyness. Character-wise, many of the other actors do their best, and put on a good performance that is diminished only as a result of Gary Oldman being Gary Oldman. The only character that rivaled Gary Oldman was the elephant. And maybe Ron Weasley.
The cons: Ah, forbidden love. So forbidden. So cheesy. More so because they make the male love interest look just like Edward from "Twilight". And the male triangle point looked like Harry Potter's Cedrick. So, cheese. And not really all that much pressure on the triangle; she said "not you", and he said "ok, cool, thx bai" and the other he said "woot". Add to that the mystery movie device of making sure the audience sees plenty of obvious clues to highlight all the Not Werewolves to make you think they are Werewolves, such that in the end the person who is the werewolf is the person who never got highlighted at all... and somehow should have been obvious throughout.
The verdict: Could have used more blood and gore. But still, not a bad dark envisioning of the classic tale. Worth a rental.
Disclaimer: Is there anything more romantic than a sexy romp in the hay?
Disclaimer: Oh yeah, a sexy romp in the snow on a red cloak.
Disclaimer: No wait, some sexy dancing in the town square that's not really all that sexy at all.
Disclaimer: Who knew that Saw drew its pig mask inspiration from Little Red Riding Hood? Not I, for sure.
Unknown: Liam Neeson loses his memory and then beats ass. The concept of Liam Neeson as a professional asswhupper is perfectly reasonable; after "Taken", you couldn't help but accept the fact that Neeson was no longer a sissy Jedi Master who got pasted by a tattooed lunatic. This movie has explosions and car crashes and Skeletor. That's a win in my book.
The Mechanic: Jason Statham dares to replace Charles Bronson in this remake. Let's face it: While Charles Bronson is no slouch, Statham has enough presence (and less moustache) to fill in nicely. With some good fight scenes and well-planned assassinations, it makes for an enjoyable action film. Unless you miss Bronson's moustache, in which case, fair enough.
The Green Hornet: I didn't quite enjoy this one, as Seth Rogen made the Green Hornet more of a fool than a hero. Kato was the real power, and was fun to watch in martial arts action. Christoph Waltz was an enjoyable villain as the image-conscious "Bloodnowski". But Rogen just brought the film down to something less-than-pleasant.
Alpha and Omega: They're wolves! Wolves who only know two Greek letters: Number one and Number crap. Together, they have wacky adventures, fall in love, and save their wolf packs from wolf war. Bonus props for the secondary romance storyline, and for a Canadian goose who loves golf. Less props for predictability and average plot and writing. Might keep the kids entertained... but it could have been better.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader: The kids are back for more wacky hijinks in the land of talking animals, and this time they brought their pesky cousin Scrappy Doo Eustace with them. Eustace is a dick, gets beat up by a mouse, gets turned into a dragon, gets beat up by a sea serpent, gets fixed up by a lion, and somehow manages not to go insane. Also, Reepicheep is still the best character ever.
The A-Team: I'll be totally honest here: I was wrong. I thought this movie would be an abomination, a bastardization of good memories of watching the classic episodes back when I was younger. Behold: they made a movie that updated the time frame, changed a few aspects of the team, and yet incorporated every bit of characterization that was important in the original series. And they did it all well. I have to say, if you were like me and thought "This will be a disaster", give it a chance. It might surprise you.
Saw 3D: The Final Chapter: The Saw series concludes (or does it?) with this chapter, gratuitously laden with scenes that feature "COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU!" 3D action. Oh, and also blood and guts and stuff. The Jigsaw battle concludes with an unexpected twist and winner. Meanwhile, some other guy survives terrible things while watching his friends and colleagues die horribly. Also, pig masks. This movie only makes sense if you've watched the previous six.
Resident Evil: Afterlife: Mila Jovovich and zombie killing. I probably don't need to say much more than that. Plotwise, it's standard fare, evil corporate conspiracy, zombies, and innocent victims getting pasted. Also, this is movie #4 in the Resident Evil series, and I missed #2 and #3. But I got the gist of it, Mila Jovovich, zombie killing, guns, woohoo. And gratuitious setup for Resident Evil 5: Mila Jovovich Is Still Beating Zombie Ass.
Day of the Dead: This 2008 "remake" of Romero's classic might not be exactly what folks want from a remake, but it bears quite a few similarities to the original. Romero has updated the zombies from the slow shambling undead horde to the high-speed manic flesh-ripping zombies of recent years. But the idea is the same: everyone dies except the three key heroes. Pretty much what you expect from a zombie film: blood and gore and killing and zombification. And that's just fine. Even if all the "character development" is left by the wayside.
Battle: Los Angeles
Is the best part of this movie the complete annihilation of the city and population of Los Angeles? ...yes. It totally is. No one feels bad when hordes of Californians are gunned down by alien shock troopers storming the beaches with high-tech weaponry and the intent to kill every living thing in their path. I sure didn't feel bad. Take that, L.A.! New York City is tired of being Hollywood's whipping boy for every alien invasion and meteor strike that comes down the pike.
The movie runs a bit like "Independence Day": superpowerful aliens come down and annihilate everything human. Humans stand up and fight and get handed some quality asswhupping. Then, when all seems lost, hope springs forth and a happy ending looms ahead. B:LA has the advantage in that it is not as utterly cheesetacular as ID, and makes an effort at not being completely implausible. Also, Aaron Eckhart makes a better action hero than Jeff Goldblum. No offense, Brundle-Fly.
The plot: Aliens invade! The army fights back! Everyone dies! Happy ending possible!
The pros: Like I said, it's presented in a more "realistic" fashion than Independence Day. Military activity seems very logical, and the actors portray a wide variety of troops under increasing pressure. The battle scenes are intense and constant; you feel the pressure throughout the film, as our dwindling number of heroes try to reach a safe haven, only to fail at every turn. Finally, they go all out against the alien hordes to try and make a last stand for humanity... and hey! They succeed! Armed with new knowledge on how to defeat the evil alien overlords, they go back home... and prepare for another day of battle. Awww.
The cons: It's really just another alien invasion movie. Not Shakespeare. But it's fun, and while saying "it's better than Avatar or Independence Day" might not be the highest praise, it's still the truth. There is a bit of shaky-cam action, just to make sure our motion sickness sufferers feel maximum discomfort. We have Alien Autopsy, we have loud explosions, and various improbabilities (seriously, how did that ENORMOUS thing get into the sewers?). But it's still a fun ride.
The verdict: Come on, it's an alien invasion movie. You can't go wrong here. Well, yes, you can, but you can go much worse than this.
Disclaimer: Michelle Rodriguez might be typecast to be the spunky token military female... and I'm okay with that.
Monsters
The first joke to make about an alien infestation that takes place between the USA and Mexico is, of course, "hurr hurr, illegal aliens". Fair enough. Once you get that out of your system and watch the movie, you have something that is an interesting take on alien invasions and how to handle them.
Some of the film bears a similarity to "District 9", in that it has some documentary-like elements where our hero and heroine are trying to reach safety in a place that is far from safe. Mostly it's trauma and stress and danger and tentacles and... yeah, tentacles.
The plot: Two people have to cross from Mexico to the USA. Illegal border crossings have not been this fucked up since the Berlin Wall came down.
The pros: The alien invasion is not really an invasion like "Battle: Los Angeles", above. This is more of an infestation, an alien plague. The aliens do not demonstrate any kind of technology or superintelligence; they seem more like giant animals, just doing what nature intended for them to do. How do people react to this kind of invasion? Therein lies the story. As a photographer and his boss's daughter make their way through the dangerous infected zone, we see the extent of the infection, and the destructive power of the monsters, and an ending that makes you wonder: who will win in the end?
The cons: The characters are human and do human things. This is not really a con, but you feel uncomfortable at times as you watch what happens. Also, tentacles. The film ends very abruptly, and you are left guessing at the outcome: does the infection continue? Do our heroes find love together? Do the monsters find love together? We just don't know.
The verdict: It was in like 5 theaters for a week. That's a shame... but it's an interesting film. Worth watching if you like a new twist on alien invasions.
Disclaimer: Tequila makes you do crazy stupid things. Most people already know this, but it's good to be reminded now and again.
Red Riding Hood
Let's take a timeless classic fairy tale and make a movie out of it! What, sounds like something Disney would do? Well, yes... but wait! Let's make it live-action and darker and eviller! Oooh, that's not very Disneyish anymore. And... let's throw in some Twilight stuff, because the kids love that! Ooooh, that's... very unexpected.
At its heart, we have a murder mystery featuring a werewolf. A village's age-old treaty with the creature has been broken, and blood will be spilt, and tensions will mount, and... oh, let's have some love with that too. Because things go better with love.
The plot: Little Red Riding Hood. You know the drill.
The pros: Gary Oldman, as always, is awesome. He's a holier-than-thou Inquisitor and Beast Hunter who steps in and chews up as much scenery as he can find in his search for the murderous werewolf. He and his team of armored badasses are badassed around by the special effects department and its giant wolf. The rest of the budget went into making costumes and buildings for this tiny medieval town in the snowy mountainous forest of spookyness. Character-wise, many of the other actors do their best, and put on a good performance that is diminished only as a result of Gary Oldman being Gary Oldman. The only character that rivaled Gary Oldman was the elephant. And maybe Ron Weasley.
The cons: Ah, forbidden love. So forbidden. So cheesy. More so because they make the male love interest look just like Edward from "Twilight". And the male triangle point looked like Harry Potter's Cedrick. So, cheese. And not really all that much pressure on the triangle; she said "not you", and he said "ok, cool, thx bai" and the other he said "woot". Add to that the mystery movie device of making sure the audience sees plenty of obvious clues to highlight all the Not Werewolves to make you think they are Werewolves, such that in the end the person who is the werewolf is the person who never got highlighted at all... and somehow should have been obvious throughout.
The verdict: Could have used more blood and gore. But still, not a bad dark envisioning of the classic tale. Worth a rental.
Disclaimer: Is there anything more romantic than a sexy romp in the hay?
Disclaimer: Oh yeah, a sexy romp in the snow on a red cloak.
Disclaimer: No wait, some sexy dancing in the town square that's not really all that sexy at all.
Disclaimer: Who knew that Saw drew its pig mask inspiration from Little Red Riding Hood? Not I, for sure.