PLEASE READ(EDITED!!!!)

[change_a_bit]

SO IM SUBMITTING THIS TOMORROW FOR THE COUNTY LIT FAIR AND I REALLLY NEED CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT YOUR THOUGHTS. (its a villanelle which is a french verse poem and i still need one more line in the fifth tercet that has an ending rhyming with what slut shut e.t.c i starred the place

Comments

[wiziristan]

i'm really not too familiar with villanelle's though i do know they are a challenging structure.

i like the concept of the poem very much. however if i can be perfectly honest, a few of your lines seem a bit cliche.
(in my gut, beautiful within, ultimate sin, ect.)
this isn't a huge problem or anything, but if i had to make any suggestion it would be to mix up those lines a bit to make them more refreshing.

and good luck in the contest :D

[change_a_bit]

yeah i really hate those. like no joke it funny you mentioned it. i even broke down and got out a rhyming dictionary to try and mix it up. but i couldn't really find anything that rhymed and got the message across at the same time. Because in a villanelle the first line of each tercet have to rhyme with each other and the second lines have to rhyme with eachother as well. In fact i screwed up a bit and am reposting my fixed poem although there's not much difference. oh well. We'll see. thanks though. I totally appreciate it.

[arc_du_ciel]

That's really good. I know you've probably submitted it already, but it's well-written and thoughtful... I like "I'm not a virgin to receiving that sly grin" better in the context of the poem, but the first line's got a poetic ring to it... (I've just been hanging out on AllPoetry for an hour and a half, can you tell? ;] )

Great job!