It strikes me that the gift/gratitude thing is one of the clearest things pointing to this being a power dynamic thing. Thanking someone, feeling gratitude toward someone, indicates that they're in a position of power over you in some way; they had a choice to make that could have affected you poorly and they made it in a way that affected you well, but either way they have the power to affect you at all. In this dynamic, men have the power to inflict or withhold rape, and women... get to cope with how the men decide to use that power, basically.
Honestly, I credit too much time spent reading fairy tales where the Fair Folk are adamant about not being thanked, and idly wondering why. Perhaps they didn't like the responsibility that went along with the explicit acknowledgment of power.
My college boyfriend & first real lover got to deal with all my abuse issues.
We decided we wanted to be married before we ever had sex. He never pressured me. And he insisted that he did not want to hurt me and that if I wasn't okay, I should say so.
He taught me to say no. To say "stop." And for all the other shit that we went through, I will always be grateful for that.
And yet? And yet I'm always grateful every time a partner has reassured me that Yes, I can say no.
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Well said.
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Honestly, I credit too much time spent reading fairy tales where the Fair Folk are adamant about not being thanked, and idly wondering why. Perhaps they didn't like the responsibility that went along with the explicit acknowledgment of power.
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We decided we wanted to be married before we ever had sex. He never pressured me. And he insisted that he did not want to hurt me and that if I wasn't okay, I should say so.
He taught me to say no. To say "stop." And for all the other shit that we went through, I will always be grateful for that.
And yet? And yet I'm always grateful every time a partner has reassured me that Yes, I can say no.
Reply
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