In Our Own Skins: Merlin
Title: In Our Own Skins (1/8)
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains some sexual content, and swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Merlin, Arthur, Mordred, Morgan, Gwaine, Elaine, Hunith, Dr. Gaius, Gwen/Lance (hinted Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Mordred, and Arthur/Elaine)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN’s not mine, just the grammatical errors
Summary: Merlin is used to having a pretty easy life, but when something happens that challenges this way of life how will he cope?
Author's notes: Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Merlin
Beep… beep… beep…
I know what that sound means, but maybe if I pretend that I don't hear the noise it will go away.
My eyes feel heavy and try as I might I can't find the strength to open them. My arms are far too sore for someone who has just spent ten hours lying in bed sleeping. I feel like absolute shit, and recently I've started to look like it too.
Beep… beep… beep…
Oh why won't that thing just shut up, I'm still so tired. I try to lift my arm to shut it off, but I can't. This bug I caught is thoroughly kicking my arse.
Get lots of sleep, stay hydrated, and remember to take your medication everyday is what the doctor had said, but that is doing shit all on my quest to recovery. Hell, I'll even go as far as to say I feel worse than I did on that visit two weeks ago.
Beep… beep… beep…
Fuck it! With all the strength I can muster; I throw my arm out towards that damned clock, finally turn it off, and then proceed to plummet from my bed to the carpeted ground below.
Bloody hell that hurt!
"MERLIN?"
I know it won't be long until I hear the running on the stairs. And not to disappoint, there's Mum sprinting up the stairs like she belongs in the Olympics.
"Merlin!"
I want to scream to her that I'm alright, but I'm not so sure that I am. Every time I try to say something to her, I start coughing instead. Ugh, I must look a right mess. She's definitely going to lose her shit when she sees me like this.
"Oh my God, MERLIN! Darling what's wrong? Talk to me sweetie."
I want to tell her to calm down, but I'm too tired to do anything besides whisper out a strangled Mum.
"MORDRED RING 999, something's wrong with Merlin."
Please God no, oh Mum please don't do that! That's all I need; Mordred taking the piss every time I'm sick from now on. Isn't it enough he's already caught me wanking off more times than I can count on both hands, do I really deserve the added humiliation?
In the distance I can hear Mordred jogging up the stairs as he yells about needing an ambulance immediately. I can't deny that the tremors in his voice are actually scaring the shit out of me.
Mordred is the type of older brother who enjoyed torturing me throughout our youth. I still have the marks on my arms from when he thought it'd be real fun to have me ride my bike through a thin glass window like Evil Knieval. Needless to say having someone who has shown such little regard for my safety in the past now throwing a panicked fit on his mobile, is making me start to realize just how serious this situation is becoming.
"Mum what's wrong with him? He's as white as snow."
I half listen to my Mum's whispers of it'll be okay Merlin, and Mummies not leaving you. I'm starting to have trouble breathing, and can only really focus on the repetitive breathe in and breathe out mantra that's playing on a loop in my mind.
"I don't know Mordred, but something's not right. He's meant to be getting better, not turning into this."
The room grows eerily quiet as I try my best to ignore yet another jab at my physical appearance. Yes I know I've grown paler, scrawnier, and the bags under my eyes have seemingly multiplied in a few short days, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!
"Mordred you need to go to College, you're already going to be late."
"No, I'm staying with you two."
"Mordred, I told you to get. It's your last year before Uni, and you need to make sure your grades are…"
"Mother, I said I'm not leaving, not with him like this."
I can't see them with my eyes closed, but I'm sure they're glaring at each other. When Dad up and left us about ten years ago, Mordred felt it was his duty to become the man of the house. It was also while Mordred was taking it upon himself to become this man that he and Mum started getting into it more and more. I know they love each other dearly, but it's growing increasingly difficult for me to handle all the animosity between them nowadays.
Mum doesn't say anything else, so I know Mordred's won yet another row.
The sound of the ambulance siren in the distance seems to make everyone release the breath they've been holding - including me. Earlier I hadn't been afraid, but with all the fear circulating the room it's hard not to also fall victim to its influence.
Right before the satisfying sounds of heavy knocks have even been made on the front door, I can already hear Mordred jumping down the stairs.
At the sound of voices downstairs I allow Mum's soothing arms to encircle me, and give myself a chance to relax.
"It's okay now darling, everything's going to be just fine."
-o-
I know he's joking as soon as the words leave his mouth. Yeah granted it's a pretty fucked up joke, but I'm friends with Arthur Pendragon, so I've heard my fair share of inappropriate jokes. However, he looks fairly serious as I smile back at him, and ever so slowly the grin slips from my face.
Now I'm scared he isn't joking, and Mum's damned crying isn't helping me go back to thinking this whole thing is some kind of twisted gag.
There's no better word but frigid to describe Mordred's reaction before he simply walks out of the room. Are Mum and I supposed to get up and leave too?
I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I'm scared, angry, and depressed, but most of all I can't really feel much of anything. Is that even possible to feel so much, yet not feel at all? What the hell is wrong with me, why am I obsessing over my feelings? I should be asking the doctor questions; trying to figure out what to do from here. What can I do?
Damn it Merlin, just get out of your fucking head for five seconds and ask the doctor how to make this better, because it has to get better.
"How do I get rid of it?"
I avoid the word. I still can't believe that I'm even connected to such a word at sixteen, and avoiding it means not having to confront it right now. Mum just keeps crying - her hand tightening on my arm. Even though she isn't holding me roughly I know I'll have bruises from it later, but I just don't have the heart to tell her to let go of me.
"Well, we'll start you off with chemotherapy, and if that doesn't work we'll have to move on to radiation. Luckily for you leukemia…"
I flinch just at the sound of the word. If Dr. Gaius notices he keeps his observation to himself.
"…is a fairly treatable form of cancer nowadays"
I'm not a violent person, peace, love and all that crap, but eyebrows is asking for me to kick his hairy old ass. I know he didn't just use lucky, cancer, and leukemia in the same damn sentence.
"Look I know this must be hard for you to hear Merlin, but we're going to fight this."
We? Oh sorry my apologies Dr. Gaius. I hadn't been informed that you too just found out that you have cancer. Well it seems as if you and I really will be fighting this thing together. Oh wait, I forgot. You don't have cancer, and I'm the only one who ends up in a bloody coffin if things go bad.
I can't just sit there anymore. As gently as possible I remove Mum's hand from my arm, and go to stand by the bay window overlooking the car park; at least it's something to do.
"I'm going to schedule Merlin's first session in chemotherapy for just a couple of days from now. The treatments will be in this hospital, and I'll call you a little later with the time Ms. Emerys. I suggest having someone go with him for these treatments, either yourself or your son."
I turn back to the desk to see Mum doing her best to stop crying as Dr. Gaius hands her his business card, and a few pamphlets on coping with cancer. I already know Mum is going to read those things from cover to cover, and my laptop is not going to be my own tonight. I really hope I've deleted all my porn history.
Ever so slowly she's able to push herself from the chair to stand, and instinctively I move to help her. I know after I've done it that I shouldn't have. As soon as she lays eyes on me, she starts bawling like a child. With all the medication they gave me a couple days ago when they rushed me to casualty, I'm able to hold her so she doesn't fall to the ground. I'm still sick, but at least now with all the drugs I don't have to act like it.
Dr. Gaius lifts himself from his chair, but I softly shake my head when he starts towards us. I simply hold my mother in my arms and allow her to soak my blue jumper with her tears.
"It'll be okay Mum, I'm not leaving you."
Eventually the two of us separate and I lead her out the door with a simple nod to Dr. Gaius, which he politely returns. Perhaps I was too quick to judge the old man.
Mordred's standing just outside the door to the office with his head in his hands. When we walk out he quickly wipes his face and pulls Mum from my arms. I know he's been crying, but I also know Mordred. The last thing he wants me to bring up is him openly showing weakness.
I watch them for a moment - tightly clinging onto each other - before I slowly follow behind. I don't understand why I haven't cried yet. I mean Mum and Mordred are crying, and they aren't the ones dying. This could very well be the disease that takes my life, and I can't even muster up a few tears for myself. What's wrong with me? Since Dr. Gaius said the word leukemia in his office I just can't stop this feeling of numbness.
I feel a gentle vibration in my pant pocket, and the sound of that LMFAO song I'm Sexy and I Know It quickly follows. That prat changed the ringtone I have for him again. Slowly I reach into my pant pocket and retrieve my mobile, only suffering a slight sting of pain in my arm when I do. I briefly contemplate not answering. I'm not sure if I can tell him now with everything still so new and unknown, but this is my best mate, this is Arthur.
"Arthur"
I blush sheepishly as an older woman in a wheelchair who has obviously been spying on me lifts a dark eyebrow in amusement, before shaking her head and going back to reading her magazine.
"Merlin"
"Stop changing my ringer, you'll make people think things that aren't true."
Because the two of us rarely spend that much time with anyone else, people tend to assume that we're more than mates. Although Arthur's popularity from being on the school's footie team makes most of these people believe that those homoerotic feelings are really only felt on my side, which they aren't. I DON'T fancy Arthur or ANY other bloke for that matter. Neither of us feels that way about the other, besides Arthur has been pinning for Gwen since we were eleven and he realized girls don't really have cooties.
"No you love it, and it's also very true. I am sexy, and you do know it."
I can already picture the smug smile on Arthur's face as he says it, and I scoff at the thought. Sometimes Arthur's ego is just too big to bother with.
"So?"
"So...what?"
"So, did you find out what's wrong with you yet? It's just laziness right? See Merlin, how many times do I have to tell you, living without meat is unhealthy. You should come by and we'll go out and get some burgers, without that tofu crap you like. Every time I see you eat it, I'm suddenly reminded of my previous shit."
There is that crass mouth of my best mate at its finest. Ever since Arthur's cousin Gwaine, and his family moved into Albion two years ago, Arthur's vocabulary has drastically taken a turn for the worst.
"Actually my diet is quite healthy. Dr. Gaius says I just have an infection, but everything should clear up in a couple months."
Why didn't I tell him? Arthur's my best mate. I can't just keep this a secret from him. The longer I take to tell him the worse it'll be when he finds out.
"Whoa, must be some infection if it takes a couple of months to cure, you sure everything's alright?"
Here's your chance Merlin, just tell him. Just scream it out and tell him. Arthur I have cancer. Yes, just like that. It's only a big deal if you make it one.
"Well…thing is…yeah, Dr. Gaius said it's good that they caught it early; said it could have been worse than pneumonia if I didn't come in when I did."
You bloody coward, four words, you couldn't spit out four words!
"Well, I guess it's lucky they caught it early."
Yeah lucky, there's that fucking word again. I can't blame him for thinking like that though. I'm the one who's too chicken shit to tell him the truth.
"So who's this Dr. Gaius you keep mentioning? The way you keep going on about him it's making me wonder. Do you love him Merlin?"
"Merlin!"
I look up to see that I've walked out of the hospital, and to the backdoor of my Mum's car; my hand is just there resting on the handle. When did I walk over here?
"Are you going to continue to just stand there like a lovesick fangirl while you continue to talk to your boyfriend, or are you going to get in the car?"
I look at Mordred in the driver's seat waiting impatiently for me to open the door to the car, and sit down so we can go. Mum is just quietly staring at me as if at any moment I'm suddenly going to start having a fit.
"He's not my boyfriend. God, I like girls!"
"Keep saying it enough Merlin, and it just might come true."
I can hear Arthur's loud barks of laughter on the other side of the phone. He knows I've had my fair share of female action, the twat.
"Look I don't love anyone, and I have to go. I'll see you at College tomorrow."
I softly open the door to the car and quickly sit down. Mordred isn't someone to piss off when he's in a mood. I contemplate wearing my safety belt, but really what's the point when you're already dying, just slower. Although after a pointed look from Mum, I securely buckle myself in.
"Aww come off it Merlin you know I'm only taking the piss. Come over, Morgan's being a right little bitch and I need reinforcements."
"What did you call me you fucking bastard?"
It's my turn to laugh, and I can't deny how good it feels to smile again. Arthur and Morgan always have a way of making their arguments amusing to anyone listening.
"Oie, gotta go Merlin. Guessing I can't come round yours eh?"
"Probably best to hold off on that today."
"Even if that twat of a brother of yours is home you're still a bloody wanker for leaving me alone with the she devil, you know that right?"
I watch the trees changing colours as we drive through the different streets on our way home. I've never been one for window gazing, but as everything quickly zooms by I realize I haven't really paid that much attention to the simple wonders that have always been passing around me. They really are quite beautiful.
"Merlin"
"Yeah sorry, daydreaming. You'll be fine, I doubt Morgan will kill you."
"Oh Merlin, when it comes to Morgan there are far worse things than death. I'll talk to you later mate, might as well get some practice in."
"Yeah, laters"
Four words is all it would have taken, Arthur I have cancer.
-o-
After a lot of fussing, Mum reluctantly agrees to let me go to College. Mordred's been ordered to watch my every movement, but that's better than the alternative. I'm not about to spend my day at home obsessing about whether or not my cancer is going to kill me, I need to get out and be around people.
Whether or not Camelot is the best place to go for that is another question. I'm not necessarily disliked, but I sure as hell am not popular. I know a total of about eight people by name, and one of them just happens to be my brother. I'm simply not the type that likes to draw attention to myself, that's more Arthur's thing. I much prefer working behind the scenes. I guess if it hadn't been for that incident in nursery school we wouldn't even have become friends.
I slowly walk into the common room to find Arthur sitting with Elaine. Elaine is a socially awkward (and rather clumsy) new girl that befriended me, and in the process Arthur. She's a nice girl - rather fit as well, but I've never really thought about her like that. She just instantly became one of my mates after we were introduced. Anyways it was soon pretty obvious to just about everyone but Arthur that she fancied him. Even now as I'm walking towards them Elaine's laughing her head off at a joke that probably shouldn't even have warranted a chuckle.
"Well Merlin, don't you just look dreadful. Didn't you get any sleep last night?"
"Lay off him Arthur. Everything alright Merlin?"
"Yeah I'm fine Elaine."
I roll my eyes at Arthur's comment, and do my best to ignore Elaine's look of worry. I don't want to talk about me right now. Hell, I came to school with the sole purpose of avoiding me.
"I see Morgan didn't end your life last night like I'd hoped she would. It's a shame really. Here I thought I'd finally be rid of you."
I try to appear comfortable as I sit down across from them, but I can't help but wince a little in discomfort at the tension in my muscles. The large bruise on my side when I fell off my bed is also still very much present.
"Are you sure you're alright Merlin?"
Damn she's rather persistent. No wonder she still tries with Arthur when she knows full well he's besotted with Gwen. She's definitely a fighter, should be interesting to see how this love triangle thing works out. Or maybe it's a square because of Lance? Actually Gwen's not really interested in Arthur so maybe it's just more of a straight line between the four of them?
"Yeah of course, just the medication I'm taking is making me feel a little woozy right now."
"Eh mate you want me to take you to the sick room to let you have a lye in? It'd probably do you some good to miss P.E today anyways, we're doing drills again."
This is the side of Arthur that appears less frequently, but is the main reason we're mates. Underneath it all he has a good heart.
"No, I'm okay. I don't have to participate in P.E today anyway, so no worries."
Arthur just nods his head, as his eyes drift upwards and towards the door. I don't even have to look to know Gwen's just walked into the room; the puppy dog face has been reserved for one person, and one person alone.
Before I finally decide to surrender to that little desire I have to gawp at Morgan and Gwen, I happen to see Elaine scowl at Arthur's complete disregard for her presence, and am forced to muffle my laugh behind a noticeably fake cough. Thankfully no one notices.
As usual the two don't disappoint. Fortunately for the men in Camelot, the school is fairly lenient with the uniform policies. Gwen likes to wear high boots, while Morgan often goes for stilettos. Their skirts are higher than the norm, not necessarily slutty, but enough to make boys like me sweat a little more in their presence. The top two buttons on their white dress shirts are open, and neither of them are wearing their cardigans. If only I were closer I'd have been able to see their bras.
Usually watching Gwen makes Arthur flushed and embarrassed since it's obvious what he's thinking - even though most of the men in the vicinity are on similar wavelengths. Though this morning the lost puppy dog face has only trumped his lusty gaze because hanging off Gwen's arm is no other than Lance - her boyfriend.
Lance's a nice guy, a little annoying and dull at times, but overall a good bloke. He's been with Gwen for almost as long as Arthur's loved her. If he's actually honest with himself Arthur doesn't really have anything against Lance apart from his connection to Gwen. However, that potential friendship had quickly been ruined because he and I were subjected to too many conversations about Gwen and Lance's sexual exploits since we were thirteen.
Gwaine swaggers into the room right after the three, a wide mischievous smile across his lips. His eyes sweep the room and quickly find Arthur. Contrary to the horrible relationship Arthur has with his foster sister Morgan, he gets on rather well with his cousin. The two seem to genuinely enjoy each others company. Personally I don't really mind Gwaine - he's a pretty cool bloke, but he has a way of making Arthur feel confident enough to do really stupid things that usually get the both of us in trouble.
"Arthur what did you do to Morgan? She's been in a right mood ever since she walked into school this morning."
Gwaine gives me a quick nod, Elaine a flirtatious wink, and then turns back to Arthur to hear his response.
"I didn't do anything to that harpy. I'm convinced that it's the time of the red dragon again, I'm powerless against its vengeance."
Gwaine throws his head back in laughter, and I can't help but chuckle myself. The only one who isn't amused is Elaine, and I look off in embarrassment at the shameful stare she gives me.
"You Arthur Pendragon are nothing but a pig!"
I watch in shock as a furious Elaine picks up her bag and practically runs out of the common room. What the hell just happened?
"Well little cousin it seems you offended the Lady with your blunt words, you pig."
I can tell Arthur isn't really laughing at Gwaine's impersonation. I know he hadn't meant to offend Elaine. She's his mate, but Arthur has never had a female mate before, and isn't really used to having to censor himself. Well, either have I; but knowing how Elaine feels about him, I'm sure she'll be back to adoring him by lunch. So really, no worries there.
"Don't worry about her Arthur, she'll get over it. Birds can be moody sometimes, but they always find their way back to a pretty face."
Gwaine winks, Arthur chuckles, and all I can do is force myself not to have a coughing fit. I need to take some more of those miracle pills. They basically have the same effect as morphine but in pill form, and they really do help reduce the pain in my limbs. I just need to find Mordred. He's carrying all my things for me because even with the pills I'm still too weak to carry them myself.
I quickly spot him in his usual corner of the room with a group of his mates. Mordred isn't particularly disliked by the people of Camelot, he just creeps them the hell out. Unlike me, Mordred opted for befriending people who were considered 'different' in most social circles. Would I go as far as to call my brother emo? Well, if wearing black at all times is a sign of someone being emo, then I guess I should.
He's staring at me intently, waiting for some sign that I need something. To say I'm shocked at his consideration is an understatement; I'm downright unnerved by it. I know Mordred has to love me - he is my brother - but he's never been this attentive to me before. Anytime before yesterday his attention would have just warned me that he's probably planning on doing something terrible to me, but now all its doing is reminding me that I'm dying.
I hold his gaze for a few seconds before he all but jumps from his chair and hurriedly walks towards me. I turn away from him as he approaches, and can almost feel Arthur stiffen beside me. He and my brother aren't very fond of each other. I hadn't been the only one Mordred liked to torment when we were children. Disturbingly enough, growing up I've always been afraid to leave the two alone. Mordred seemed to enjoy hurting Arthur more than I believe healthy, even at the age of seven. Needless to say things haven't gotten any better between the two with age.
"What do you need?"
I'm not surprised at Mordred's bluntness, that's how he usually speaks to me. The familiarity of the small action makes me feel relaxed again, and all I can think about is how messed up I am. His indifference makes me feel comfortable, and his compassion puts me on edge.
"Medication and my water."
Throughout our exchange Arthur says nothing, just watches as I swallow the pills down with the water. Even Gwaine is uncharacteristically quiet. Usually he'd be ridiculing something about Mordred's appearance or sexuality. Arthur has told Gwaine about a few of the things Mordred would do to torment us as kids, and naturally he hadn't liked the fact that his little cousin was being bullied. Although now, not one peep out of Gwaine, and I'm back to feeling anxious.
I give my water back to Mordred with the bottle of pills, and he quickly puts them back in his satchel before he returns to his mates. His absence is met with nothing but awkward silence.
"Merlin?"
At this moment the last thing I want to do is make eye contact with Arthur, but if I ignore him now he'll become even more suspicious.
"Yup Arthur."
I put on a forced smile, but I know he isn't buying it. Gwaine swiftly leaves with some false excuse about a girl on the other side of the room giving him the eyes. I don't mind so much, it gives me another opportunity to tell Arthur the truth.
"No bullshiting, I want you to be completely honest with me."
"Okay"
It's okay, I can do this. Arthur is pretty much the only person I could always be honest with in the past, now shouldn't be any different.
"Are you okay?"
Oh shit, how am I going to phrase it? Should I really just come out and say Arthur I have cancer or maybe something more cliché like I have bad news. Ugh, why is this so hard, it's just Arthur. I'm closer to him than I am to anybody else, this should be easy.
"Yeah, just side effects from the medication I have to take, makes me feel weak."
Again, I actually did it again! How many chances am I going to pass up before Arthur just finds out because I've died in the hospital? He's my best matem and here I am treating him like I can't trust him.
"Why don't you stop taking them? I'm sure there's gotta be something else that they can give you, right?"
"No, I gotta take these ones, without them I'm even more of a sorry sight."
There's silence once again, and I can't help fidgeting with my sore knuckles. The pills haven't started working yet, and the bell has just gone. Everyone's milling about heading to their respective classes, but Arthur and I remain seated.
"Hey piss arse go to class or I'll tell Uther you bunked off school."
We both ignore Morgan as she, Gwen, and Lance hover close by. I know just for that reason alone Morgan will be telling Mr. Pendragon something later that night, whether it'll be true or false is anyone's guess. I'm very aware of just how much information Morgan has on Arthur.
"Eventually you'll be alright though? This illness - whatever it is - it's not THAT serious right? Ugh fuck, what I mean to say…"
For the first time I start to understand the severity of my leukemia. Arthur's never overly sentimental, but it's almost like he already knows how serious my illness really is. Watching him aggravate to find the right words actually makes me realize how much everything is going to change between us now. I won't be able to be there for him anymore, and I don't want him wasting all his time worrying about me.
"… is should I be worried about you?"
The word yes is on the tip of my tongue, begging to finally come out. I want to confide in him, but then again I don't know if I can. After I tell Arthur, things won't be as carefree as they once were. He'll come up with some lame arse excuse about how it's because I don't eat meat to try and ease the tension, but at the end of it all things will have to change. If this is going to be the last year I spend in Camelot, I want to be able to enjoy it without having everyone worrying about my health.
"Me? When have you ever had to worry about me you ponce? We both know that with my diet I'm going to outlive you."
I have a genuine smile on my face because I've made him laugh. After the seriousness of our conversation, I'm just happy to see Arthur laughing. Who knows how many times I'll get to see it from this moment on?
"Arthur, I think you should probably go to class soon. I'm pretty sure that after what you did to her dress, she isn't kidding about grassing on you to your dad. "
I don't even want to know what Arthur has been doing with Morgan's dress, probably trying it on to see if he'd have been an attractive woman.
"Guinevere!"
I can't help but actually laugh at the way Arthur's back immediately straightens when Gwen gently touches his shoulder. Morgan and Lance have gone so she's all alone, and sadly she now has her cardi on.
"I think we all know how your Dad gets when he finds out you bunk off school."
A miserable old sod who spits a lot while he's yelling. I can still remember that time I unintentionally broke a vase. I felt like I'd just come in from the rain and forgot my brolly. To this very day the memory still makes me shudder.
"Yeah he's so horrible. He makes it so easy to instantly lower my self-esteem at what's obviously just my idiotic way of trying to get his attention."
Arthur's eyes widen as if he's accidentally told us he wets himself before he starts hitting himself in the head, while repeatedly stating I'm so stupid like a mental. Right nice job mate, maybe now I should just tell Gwen you've got an STD so her last thoughts of you aren't about your extreme daddy issues? I can tell Arthur is clearly making Gwen uncomfortable, so she cautiously turns to me.
"Alright Merlin?"
I can't help but grin at her smile, and from the now goofy look on Arthur's face, it's practically infectious. I'm sure he's just happy she hasn't hightailed it out of there after his little display - moron.
"Alright, you?"
"You know me, I'm just peachy. Though, I'd be even better if your brother wasn't staring at me."
I know Mordred is only really still here staring in our direction because of me, but Gwen's right to think that he's looking at her. Mordred like Arthur has a bit of an obsession with Gwen, though unlike Arthur's' I can admit his is a tad more on the creepy side. Mordred's feelings for Gwen just happen to be yet another reason - to add to an already large list - that Arthur isn't fond of my brother.
Arthur quickly leaps from his chair without removing his eyes from Gwen. I can't help but notice that her eyes hold amusement at Arthur's antics, but there's also something there just under the surface. Maybe Arthur has more of a chance with Gwen than everyone thinks. In my mind the straight line seems to be curving into something else entirely, though what I can't really tell. I never have been all that good at visualizing things in my mind, picture books all the way!
The two of them begin to move towards the door, Arthur's movements awkward and clumsy. Two things one wouldn't expect from one of the school's footie stars.
"Aren't you coming Merlin?"
I'm touched by Gwen's kindness. Surprisingly enough she's becoming pretty well known throughout the school as a huge bitch, but she's only ever been kind to me; even though she'd have been justified in filing a restraining order against my brother, and trying to make my life hell just because of our association. Although the realistic side of me has to acknowledge the possibility that she's just a little nervous about being left alone with Arthur and his stupidity.
"No, you two go ahead. There's something I have to do"
I ignore Arthur's many thank yous from behind Gwen's back. I know he'll fuck things up, and say something stupid to her. By the end of the day he's going to be pissed that I hadn't gone with them as a buffer.
I slowly start to lift myself off the chair I've been sitting on, my muscles now slightly looser than before. I can see Mordred about to come to my rescue, but I wave him away. What I'm about to do I want to do alone. Reluctantly he allows me to walk myself from the common room, and I smile when I don't even see him trailing behind me as I make my way into the toilets. Mordred will never know just how much I appreciate what he's just given to me.
I check each stall to make sure the place is empty before I push the lock on the door. I'm a little winded after I do it, but eventually my breathing evens out again.
I take my time walking to the stall furthest from the door. I know I'm not going to get in trouble for not showing up to P.E, and when Arthur asks where I am, I'll just say I took his advice and went to see the nurse. He won't look into it.
I clean off the toilet seat, and then sit down with my trousers still on. Little by little my head falls into my hands, and for the first time since I'd found out about having leukemia, I cry.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 2: Lance
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains some sexual content, and swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Merlin, Arthur, Mordred, Morgan, Gwaine, Elaine, Hunith, Dr. Gaius, Gwen/Lance (hinted Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Mordred, and Arthur/Elaine)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN’s not mine, just the grammatical errors
Summary: Merlin is used to having a pretty easy life, but when something happens that challenges this way of life how will he cope?
Author's notes: Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Merlin
Beep… beep… beep…
I know what that sound means, but maybe if I pretend that I don't hear the noise it will go away.
My eyes feel heavy and try as I might I can't find the strength to open them. My arms are far too sore for someone who has just spent ten hours lying in bed sleeping. I feel like absolute shit, and recently I've started to look like it too.
Beep… beep… beep…
Oh why won't that thing just shut up, I'm still so tired. I try to lift my arm to shut it off, but I can't. This bug I caught is thoroughly kicking my arse.
Get lots of sleep, stay hydrated, and remember to take your medication everyday is what the doctor had said, but that is doing shit all on my quest to recovery. Hell, I'll even go as far as to say I feel worse than I did on that visit two weeks ago.
Beep… beep… beep…
Fuck it! With all the strength I can muster; I throw my arm out towards that damned clock, finally turn it off, and then proceed to plummet from my bed to the carpeted ground below.
Bloody hell that hurt!
"MERLIN?"
I know it won't be long until I hear the running on the stairs. And not to disappoint, there's Mum sprinting up the stairs like she belongs in the Olympics.
"Merlin!"
I want to scream to her that I'm alright, but I'm not so sure that I am. Every time I try to say something to her, I start coughing instead. Ugh, I must look a right mess. She's definitely going to lose her shit when she sees me like this.
"Oh my God, MERLIN! Darling what's wrong? Talk to me sweetie."
I want to tell her to calm down, but I'm too tired to do anything besides whisper out a strangled Mum.
"MORDRED RING 999, something's wrong with Merlin."
Please God no, oh Mum please don't do that! That's all I need; Mordred taking the piss every time I'm sick from now on. Isn't it enough he's already caught me wanking off more times than I can count on both hands, do I really deserve the added humiliation?
In the distance I can hear Mordred jogging up the stairs as he yells about needing an ambulance immediately. I can't deny that the tremors in his voice are actually scaring the shit out of me.
Mordred is the type of older brother who enjoyed torturing me throughout our youth. I still have the marks on my arms from when he thought it'd be real fun to have me ride my bike through a thin glass window like Evil Knieval. Needless to say having someone who has shown such little regard for my safety in the past now throwing a panicked fit on his mobile, is making me start to realize just how serious this situation is becoming.
"Mum what's wrong with him? He's as white as snow."
I half listen to my Mum's whispers of it'll be okay Merlin, and Mummies not leaving you. I'm starting to have trouble breathing, and can only really focus on the repetitive breathe in and breathe out mantra that's playing on a loop in my mind.
"I don't know Mordred, but something's not right. He's meant to be getting better, not turning into this."
The room grows eerily quiet as I try my best to ignore yet another jab at my physical appearance. Yes I know I've grown paler, scrawnier, and the bags under my eyes have seemingly multiplied in a few short days, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!
"Mordred you need to go to College, you're already going to be late."
"No, I'm staying with you two."
"Mordred, I told you to get. It's your last year before Uni, and you need to make sure your grades are…"
"Mother, I said I'm not leaving, not with him like this."
I can't see them with my eyes closed, but I'm sure they're glaring at each other. When Dad up and left us about ten years ago, Mordred felt it was his duty to become the man of the house. It was also while Mordred was taking it upon himself to become this man that he and Mum started getting into it more and more. I know they love each other dearly, but it's growing increasingly difficult for me to handle all the animosity between them nowadays.
Mum doesn't say anything else, so I know Mordred's won yet another row.
The sound of the ambulance siren in the distance seems to make everyone release the breath they've been holding - including me. Earlier I hadn't been afraid, but with all the fear circulating the room it's hard not to also fall victim to its influence.
Right before the satisfying sounds of heavy knocks have even been made on the front door, I can already hear Mordred jumping down the stairs.
At the sound of voices downstairs I allow Mum's soothing arms to encircle me, and give myself a chance to relax.
"It's okay now darling, everything's going to be just fine."
-o-
I know he's joking as soon as the words leave his mouth. Yeah granted it's a pretty fucked up joke, but I'm friends with Arthur Pendragon, so I've heard my fair share of inappropriate jokes. However, he looks fairly serious as I smile back at him, and ever so slowly the grin slips from my face.
Now I'm scared he isn't joking, and Mum's damned crying isn't helping me go back to thinking this whole thing is some kind of twisted gag.
There's no better word but frigid to describe Mordred's reaction before he simply walks out of the room. Are Mum and I supposed to get up and leave too?
I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I'm scared, angry, and depressed, but most of all I can't really feel much of anything. Is that even possible to feel so much, yet not feel at all? What the hell is wrong with me, why am I obsessing over my feelings? I should be asking the doctor questions; trying to figure out what to do from here. What can I do?
Damn it Merlin, just get out of your fucking head for five seconds and ask the doctor how to make this better, because it has to get better.
"How do I get rid of it?"
I avoid the word. I still can't believe that I'm even connected to such a word at sixteen, and avoiding it means not having to confront it right now. Mum just keeps crying - her hand tightening on my arm. Even though she isn't holding me roughly I know I'll have bruises from it later, but I just don't have the heart to tell her to let go of me.
"Well, we'll start you off with chemotherapy, and if that doesn't work we'll have to move on to radiation. Luckily for you leukemia…"
I flinch just at the sound of the word. If Dr. Gaius notices he keeps his observation to himself.
"…is a fairly treatable form of cancer nowadays"
I'm not a violent person, peace, love and all that crap, but eyebrows is asking for me to kick his hairy old ass. I know he didn't just use lucky, cancer, and leukemia in the same damn sentence.
"Look I know this must be hard for you to hear Merlin, but we're going to fight this."
We? Oh sorry my apologies Dr. Gaius. I hadn't been informed that you too just found out that you have cancer. Well it seems as if you and I really will be fighting this thing together. Oh wait, I forgot. You don't have cancer, and I'm the only one who ends up in a bloody coffin if things go bad.
I can't just sit there anymore. As gently as possible I remove Mum's hand from my arm, and go to stand by the bay window overlooking the car park; at least it's something to do.
"I'm going to schedule Merlin's first session in chemotherapy for just a couple of days from now. The treatments will be in this hospital, and I'll call you a little later with the time Ms. Emerys. I suggest having someone go with him for these treatments, either yourself or your son."
I turn back to the desk to see Mum doing her best to stop crying as Dr. Gaius hands her his business card, and a few pamphlets on coping with cancer. I already know Mum is going to read those things from cover to cover, and my laptop is not going to be my own tonight. I really hope I've deleted all my porn history.
Ever so slowly she's able to push herself from the chair to stand, and instinctively I move to help her. I know after I've done it that I shouldn't have. As soon as she lays eyes on me, she starts bawling like a child. With all the medication they gave me a couple days ago when they rushed me to casualty, I'm able to hold her so she doesn't fall to the ground. I'm still sick, but at least now with all the drugs I don't have to act like it.
Dr. Gaius lifts himself from his chair, but I softly shake my head when he starts towards us. I simply hold my mother in my arms and allow her to soak my blue jumper with her tears.
"It'll be okay Mum, I'm not leaving you."
Eventually the two of us separate and I lead her out the door with a simple nod to Dr. Gaius, which he politely returns. Perhaps I was too quick to judge the old man.
Mordred's standing just outside the door to the office with his head in his hands. When we walk out he quickly wipes his face and pulls Mum from my arms. I know he's been crying, but I also know Mordred. The last thing he wants me to bring up is him openly showing weakness.
I watch them for a moment - tightly clinging onto each other - before I slowly follow behind. I don't understand why I haven't cried yet. I mean Mum and Mordred are crying, and they aren't the ones dying. This could very well be the disease that takes my life, and I can't even muster up a few tears for myself. What's wrong with me? Since Dr. Gaius said the word leukemia in his office I just can't stop this feeling of numbness.
I feel a gentle vibration in my pant pocket, and the sound of that LMFAO song I'm Sexy and I Know It quickly follows. That prat changed the ringtone I have for him again. Slowly I reach into my pant pocket and retrieve my mobile, only suffering a slight sting of pain in my arm when I do. I briefly contemplate not answering. I'm not sure if I can tell him now with everything still so new and unknown, but this is my best mate, this is Arthur.
"Arthur"
I blush sheepishly as an older woman in a wheelchair who has obviously been spying on me lifts a dark eyebrow in amusement, before shaking her head and going back to reading her magazine.
"Merlin"
"Stop changing my ringer, you'll make people think things that aren't true."
Because the two of us rarely spend that much time with anyone else, people tend to assume that we're more than mates. Although Arthur's popularity from being on the school's footie team makes most of these people believe that those homoerotic feelings are really only felt on my side, which they aren't. I DON'T fancy Arthur or ANY other bloke for that matter. Neither of us feels that way about the other, besides Arthur has been pinning for Gwen since we were eleven and he realized girls don't really have cooties.
"No you love it, and it's also very true. I am sexy, and you do know it."
I can already picture the smug smile on Arthur's face as he says it, and I scoff at the thought. Sometimes Arthur's ego is just too big to bother with.
"So?"
"So...what?"
"So, did you find out what's wrong with you yet? It's just laziness right? See Merlin, how many times do I have to tell you, living without meat is unhealthy. You should come by and we'll go out and get some burgers, without that tofu crap you like. Every time I see you eat it, I'm suddenly reminded of my previous shit."
There is that crass mouth of my best mate at its finest. Ever since Arthur's cousin Gwaine, and his family moved into Albion two years ago, Arthur's vocabulary has drastically taken a turn for the worst.
"Actually my diet is quite healthy. Dr. Gaius says I just have an infection, but everything should clear up in a couple months."
Why didn't I tell him? Arthur's my best mate. I can't just keep this a secret from him. The longer I take to tell him the worse it'll be when he finds out.
"Whoa, must be some infection if it takes a couple of months to cure, you sure everything's alright?"
Here's your chance Merlin, just tell him. Just scream it out and tell him. Arthur I have cancer. Yes, just like that. It's only a big deal if you make it one.
"Well…thing is…yeah, Dr. Gaius said it's good that they caught it early; said it could have been worse than pneumonia if I didn't come in when I did."
You bloody coward, four words, you couldn't spit out four words!
"Well, I guess it's lucky they caught it early."
Yeah lucky, there's that fucking word again. I can't blame him for thinking like that though. I'm the one who's too chicken shit to tell him the truth.
"So who's this Dr. Gaius you keep mentioning? The way you keep going on about him it's making me wonder. Do you love him Merlin?"
"Merlin!"
I look up to see that I've walked out of the hospital, and to the backdoor of my Mum's car; my hand is just there resting on the handle. When did I walk over here?
"Are you going to continue to just stand there like a lovesick fangirl while you continue to talk to your boyfriend, or are you going to get in the car?"
I look at Mordred in the driver's seat waiting impatiently for me to open the door to the car, and sit down so we can go. Mum is just quietly staring at me as if at any moment I'm suddenly going to start having a fit.
"He's not my boyfriend. God, I like girls!"
"Keep saying it enough Merlin, and it just might come true."
I can hear Arthur's loud barks of laughter on the other side of the phone. He knows I've had my fair share of female action, the twat.
"Look I don't love anyone, and I have to go. I'll see you at College tomorrow."
I softly open the door to the car and quickly sit down. Mordred isn't someone to piss off when he's in a mood. I contemplate wearing my safety belt, but really what's the point when you're already dying, just slower. Although after a pointed look from Mum, I securely buckle myself in.
"Aww come off it Merlin you know I'm only taking the piss. Come over, Morgan's being a right little bitch and I need reinforcements."
"What did you call me you fucking bastard?"
It's my turn to laugh, and I can't deny how good it feels to smile again. Arthur and Morgan always have a way of making their arguments amusing to anyone listening.
"Oie, gotta go Merlin. Guessing I can't come round yours eh?"
"Probably best to hold off on that today."
"Even if that twat of a brother of yours is home you're still a bloody wanker for leaving me alone with the she devil, you know that right?"
I watch the trees changing colours as we drive through the different streets on our way home. I've never been one for window gazing, but as everything quickly zooms by I realize I haven't really paid that much attention to the simple wonders that have always been passing around me. They really are quite beautiful.
"Merlin"
"Yeah sorry, daydreaming. You'll be fine, I doubt Morgan will kill you."
"Oh Merlin, when it comes to Morgan there are far worse things than death. I'll talk to you later mate, might as well get some practice in."
"Yeah, laters"
Four words is all it would have taken, Arthur I have cancer.
-o-
After a lot of fussing, Mum reluctantly agrees to let me go to College. Mordred's been ordered to watch my every movement, but that's better than the alternative. I'm not about to spend my day at home obsessing about whether or not my cancer is going to kill me, I need to get out and be around people.
Whether or not Camelot is the best place to go for that is another question. I'm not necessarily disliked, but I sure as hell am not popular. I know a total of about eight people by name, and one of them just happens to be my brother. I'm simply not the type that likes to draw attention to myself, that's more Arthur's thing. I much prefer working behind the scenes. I guess if it hadn't been for that incident in nursery school we wouldn't even have become friends.
I slowly walk into the common room to find Arthur sitting with Elaine. Elaine is a socially awkward (and rather clumsy) new girl that befriended me, and in the process Arthur. She's a nice girl - rather fit as well, but I've never really thought about her like that. She just instantly became one of my mates after we were introduced. Anyways it was soon pretty obvious to just about everyone but Arthur that she fancied him. Even now as I'm walking towards them Elaine's laughing her head off at a joke that probably shouldn't even have warranted a chuckle.
"Well Merlin, don't you just look dreadful. Didn't you get any sleep last night?"
"Lay off him Arthur. Everything alright Merlin?"
"Yeah I'm fine Elaine."
I roll my eyes at Arthur's comment, and do my best to ignore Elaine's look of worry. I don't want to talk about me right now. Hell, I came to school with the sole purpose of avoiding me.
"I see Morgan didn't end your life last night like I'd hoped she would. It's a shame really. Here I thought I'd finally be rid of you."
I try to appear comfortable as I sit down across from them, but I can't help but wince a little in discomfort at the tension in my muscles. The large bruise on my side when I fell off my bed is also still very much present.
"Are you sure you're alright Merlin?"
Damn she's rather persistent. No wonder she still tries with Arthur when she knows full well he's besotted with Gwen. She's definitely a fighter, should be interesting to see how this love triangle thing works out. Or maybe it's a square because of Lance? Actually Gwen's not really interested in Arthur so maybe it's just more of a straight line between the four of them?
"Yeah of course, just the medication I'm taking is making me feel a little woozy right now."
"Eh mate you want me to take you to the sick room to let you have a lye in? It'd probably do you some good to miss P.E today anyways, we're doing drills again."
This is the side of Arthur that appears less frequently, but is the main reason we're mates. Underneath it all he has a good heart.
"No, I'm okay. I don't have to participate in P.E today anyway, so no worries."
Arthur just nods his head, as his eyes drift upwards and towards the door. I don't even have to look to know Gwen's just walked into the room; the puppy dog face has been reserved for one person, and one person alone.
Before I finally decide to surrender to that little desire I have to gawp at Morgan and Gwen, I happen to see Elaine scowl at Arthur's complete disregard for her presence, and am forced to muffle my laugh behind a noticeably fake cough. Thankfully no one notices.
As usual the two don't disappoint. Fortunately for the men in Camelot, the school is fairly lenient with the uniform policies. Gwen likes to wear high boots, while Morgan often goes for stilettos. Their skirts are higher than the norm, not necessarily slutty, but enough to make boys like me sweat a little more in their presence. The top two buttons on their white dress shirts are open, and neither of them are wearing their cardigans. If only I were closer I'd have been able to see their bras.
Usually watching Gwen makes Arthur flushed and embarrassed since it's obvious what he's thinking - even though most of the men in the vicinity are on similar wavelengths. Though this morning the lost puppy dog face has only trumped his lusty gaze because hanging off Gwen's arm is no other than Lance - her boyfriend.
Lance's a nice guy, a little annoying and dull at times, but overall a good bloke. He's been with Gwen for almost as long as Arthur's loved her. If he's actually honest with himself Arthur doesn't really have anything against Lance apart from his connection to Gwen. However, that potential friendship had quickly been ruined because he and I were subjected to too many conversations about Gwen and Lance's sexual exploits since we were thirteen.
Gwaine swaggers into the room right after the three, a wide mischievous smile across his lips. His eyes sweep the room and quickly find Arthur. Contrary to the horrible relationship Arthur has with his foster sister Morgan, he gets on rather well with his cousin. The two seem to genuinely enjoy each others company. Personally I don't really mind Gwaine - he's a pretty cool bloke, but he has a way of making Arthur feel confident enough to do really stupid things that usually get the both of us in trouble.
"Arthur what did you do to Morgan? She's been in a right mood ever since she walked into school this morning."
Gwaine gives me a quick nod, Elaine a flirtatious wink, and then turns back to Arthur to hear his response.
"I didn't do anything to that harpy. I'm convinced that it's the time of the red dragon again, I'm powerless against its vengeance."
Gwaine throws his head back in laughter, and I can't help but chuckle myself. The only one who isn't amused is Elaine, and I look off in embarrassment at the shameful stare she gives me.
"You Arthur Pendragon are nothing but a pig!"
I watch in shock as a furious Elaine picks up her bag and practically runs out of the common room. What the hell just happened?
"Well little cousin it seems you offended the Lady with your blunt words, you pig."
I can tell Arthur isn't really laughing at Gwaine's impersonation. I know he hadn't meant to offend Elaine. She's his mate, but Arthur has never had a female mate before, and isn't really used to having to censor himself. Well, either have I; but knowing how Elaine feels about him, I'm sure she'll be back to adoring him by lunch. So really, no worries there.
"Don't worry about her Arthur, she'll get over it. Birds can be moody sometimes, but they always find their way back to a pretty face."
Gwaine winks, Arthur chuckles, and all I can do is force myself not to have a coughing fit. I need to take some more of those miracle pills. They basically have the same effect as morphine but in pill form, and they really do help reduce the pain in my limbs. I just need to find Mordred. He's carrying all my things for me because even with the pills I'm still too weak to carry them myself.
I quickly spot him in his usual corner of the room with a group of his mates. Mordred isn't particularly disliked by the people of Camelot, he just creeps them the hell out. Unlike me, Mordred opted for befriending people who were considered 'different' in most social circles. Would I go as far as to call my brother emo? Well, if wearing black at all times is a sign of someone being emo, then I guess I should.
He's staring at me intently, waiting for some sign that I need something. To say I'm shocked at his consideration is an understatement; I'm downright unnerved by it. I know Mordred has to love me - he is my brother - but he's never been this attentive to me before. Anytime before yesterday his attention would have just warned me that he's probably planning on doing something terrible to me, but now all its doing is reminding me that I'm dying.
I hold his gaze for a few seconds before he all but jumps from his chair and hurriedly walks towards me. I turn away from him as he approaches, and can almost feel Arthur stiffen beside me. He and my brother aren't very fond of each other. I hadn't been the only one Mordred liked to torment when we were children. Disturbingly enough, growing up I've always been afraid to leave the two alone. Mordred seemed to enjoy hurting Arthur more than I believe healthy, even at the age of seven. Needless to say things haven't gotten any better between the two with age.
"What do you need?"
I'm not surprised at Mordred's bluntness, that's how he usually speaks to me. The familiarity of the small action makes me feel relaxed again, and all I can think about is how messed up I am. His indifference makes me feel comfortable, and his compassion puts me on edge.
"Medication and my water."
Throughout our exchange Arthur says nothing, just watches as I swallow the pills down with the water. Even Gwaine is uncharacteristically quiet. Usually he'd be ridiculing something about Mordred's appearance or sexuality. Arthur has told Gwaine about a few of the things Mordred would do to torment us as kids, and naturally he hadn't liked the fact that his little cousin was being bullied. Although now, not one peep out of Gwaine, and I'm back to feeling anxious.
I give my water back to Mordred with the bottle of pills, and he quickly puts them back in his satchel before he returns to his mates. His absence is met with nothing but awkward silence.
"Merlin?"
At this moment the last thing I want to do is make eye contact with Arthur, but if I ignore him now he'll become even more suspicious.
"Yup Arthur."
I put on a forced smile, but I know he isn't buying it. Gwaine swiftly leaves with some false excuse about a girl on the other side of the room giving him the eyes. I don't mind so much, it gives me another opportunity to tell Arthur the truth.
"No bullshiting, I want you to be completely honest with me."
"Okay"
It's okay, I can do this. Arthur is pretty much the only person I could always be honest with in the past, now shouldn't be any different.
"Are you okay?"
Oh shit, how am I going to phrase it? Should I really just come out and say Arthur I have cancer or maybe something more cliché like I have bad news. Ugh, why is this so hard, it's just Arthur. I'm closer to him than I am to anybody else, this should be easy.
"Yeah, just side effects from the medication I have to take, makes me feel weak."
Again, I actually did it again! How many chances am I going to pass up before Arthur just finds out because I've died in the hospital? He's my best matem and here I am treating him like I can't trust him.
"Why don't you stop taking them? I'm sure there's gotta be something else that they can give you, right?"
"No, I gotta take these ones, without them I'm even more of a sorry sight."
There's silence once again, and I can't help fidgeting with my sore knuckles. The pills haven't started working yet, and the bell has just gone. Everyone's milling about heading to their respective classes, but Arthur and I remain seated.
"Hey piss arse go to class or I'll tell Uther you bunked off school."
We both ignore Morgan as she, Gwen, and Lance hover close by. I know just for that reason alone Morgan will be telling Mr. Pendragon something later that night, whether it'll be true or false is anyone's guess. I'm very aware of just how much information Morgan has on Arthur.
"Eventually you'll be alright though? This illness - whatever it is - it's not THAT serious right? Ugh fuck, what I mean to say…"
For the first time I start to understand the severity of my leukemia. Arthur's never overly sentimental, but it's almost like he already knows how serious my illness really is. Watching him aggravate to find the right words actually makes me realize how much everything is going to change between us now. I won't be able to be there for him anymore, and I don't want him wasting all his time worrying about me.
"… is should I be worried about you?"
The word yes is on the tip of my tongue, begging to finally come out. I want to confide in him, but then again I don't know if I can. After I tell Arthur, things won't be as carefree as they once were. He'll come up with some lame arse excuse about how it's because I don't eat meat to try and ease the tension, but at the end of it all things will have to change. If this is going to be the last year I spend in Camelot, I want to be able to enjoy it without having everyone worrying about my health.
"Me? When have you ever had to worry about me you ponce? We both know that with my diet I'm going to outlive you."
I have a genuine smile on my face because I've made him laugh. After the seriousness of our conversation, I'm just happy to see Arthur laughing. Who knows how many times I'll get to see it from this moment on?
"Arthur, I think you should probably go to class soon. I'm pretty sure that after what you did to her dress, she isn't kidding about grassing on you to your dad. "
I don't even want to know what Arthur has been doing with Morgan's dress, probably trying it on to see if he'd have been an attractive woman.
"Guinevere!"
I can't help but actually laugh at the way Arthur's back immediately straightens when Gwen gently touches his shoulder. Morgan and Lance have gone so she's all alone, and sadly she now has her cardi on.
"I think we all know how your Dad gets when he finds out you bunk off school."
A miserable old sod who spits a lot while he's yelling. I can still remember that time I unintentionally broke a vase. I felt like I'd just come in from the rain and forgot my brolly. To this very day the memory still makes me shudder.
"Yeah he's so horrible. He makes it so easy to instantly lower my self-esteem at what's obviously just my idiotic way of trying to get his attention."
Arthur's eyes widen as if he's accidentally told us he wets himself before he starts hitting himself in the head, while repeatedly stating I'm so stupid like a mental. Right nice job mate, maybe now I should just tell Gwen you've got an STD so her last thoughts of you aren't about your extreme daddy issues? I can tell Arthur is clearly making Gwen uncomfortable, so she cautiously turns to me.
"Alright Merlin?"
I can't help but grin at her smile, and from the now goofy look on Arthur's face, it's practically infectious. I'm sure he's just happy she hasn't hightailed it out of there after his little display - moron.
"Alright, you?"
"You know me, I'm just peachy. Though, I'd be even better if your brother wasn't staring at me."
I know Mordred is only really still here staring in our direction because of me, but Gwen's right to think that he's looking at her. Mordred like Arthur has a bit of an obsession with Gwen, though unlike Arthur's' I can admit his is a tad more on the creepy side. Mordred's feelings for Gwen just happen to be yet another reason - to add to an already large list - that Arthur isn't fond of my brother.
Arthur quickly leaps from his chair without removing his eyes from Gwen. I can't help but notice that her eyes hold amusement at Arthur's antics, but there's also something there just under the surface. Maybe Arthur has more of a chance with Gwen than everyone thinks. In my mind the straight line seems to be curving into something else entirely, though what I can't really tell. I never have been all that good at visualizing things in my mind, picture books all the way!
The two of them begin to move towards the door, Arthur's movements awkward and clumsy. Two things one wouldn't expect from one of the school's footie stars.
"Aren't you coming Merlin?"
I'm touched by Gwen's kindness. Surprisingly enough she's becoming pretty well known throughout the school as a huge bitch, but she's only ever been kind to me; even though she'd have been justified in filing a restraining order against my brother, and trying to make my life hell just because of our association. Although the realistic side of me has to acknowledge the possibility that she's just a little nervous about being left alone with Arthur and his stupidity.
"No, you two go ahead. There's something I have to do"
I ignore Arthur's many thank yous from behind Gwen's back. I know he'll fuck things up, and say something stupid to her. By the end of the day he's going to be pissed that I hadn't gone with them as a buffer.
I slowly start to lift myself off the chair I've been sitting on, my muscles now slightly looser than before. I can see Mordred about to come to my rescue, but I wave him away. What I'm about to do I want to do alone. Reluctantly he allows me to walk myself from the common room, and I smile when I don't even see him trailing behind me as I make my way into the toilets. Mordred will never know just how much I appreciate what he's just given to me.
I check each stall to make sure the place is empty before I push the lock on the door. I'm a little winded after I do it, but eventually my breathing evens out again.
I take my time walking to the stall furthest from the door. I know I'm not going to get in trouble for not showing up to P.E, and when Arthur asks where I am, I'll just say I took his advice and went to see the nurse. He won't look into it.
I clean off the toilet seat, and then sit down with my trousers still on. Little by little my head falls into my hands, and for the first time since I'd found out about having leukemia, I cry.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 2: Lance