In Our Own Skins: Lance
Title: In Our Own Skins (2/8)
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains sexual content, and lots of swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Gwen/Lance, Morgan, Gwaine, Merlin, Mordred, (allusions to Arthur and Eli or Elyan)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN’s not mine, just the grammatical errors
Summary: Lance loves Gwen, but what happens when something challenges their relationship? Will they be able to survive it in the end?
Author’s notes: Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Lance
Okay don't push her yeah. Your jumpers already off, just slowly put your hand on her bottom and squeeze. If she likes it, keep going. If not, apologize like the nob you are, and order in some take away.
I'm so pathetic it's actually become quite sad. I mean I'm snogging my girlfriend, not some random bird I pulled from the pub. Yet, here I am afraid to touch her because every time I do, she makes up some horrible excuse and then tells me I should probably piss off. Well, Gwen would never say piss off - she's too nice for that, but that's basically what she's implying.
Alright, I may not have the patience of Mother Theresa, but I think I'm pretty justified after waiting four years to make love to Gwen. When her foster Dad died of a heart attack nearly two years ago, I was there for her - never once pushed her for sex. Every time she tells me that she wants to stop, I jump off her immediately. That's just the kind of bloke I am, but come on, four years in a relationship and no sex! For God sake, I'm seventeen and still a virgin. Maybe if Gwaine wasn't my best mate it wouldn't seem like such a big deal, but he is. I'm tired of hearing him tell me how good sex is, because recently I've been feeling even more frustrated…down there. I love the woman dearly, but she's driving me mad!
Yup that's it, just keep it slow Lance, pace yourself mate. My hand has safely made its way underneath her top, and is slowly finding its way up to her bra. Gwen's lips are still firmly locked on mine so I know for now I'm in the clear.
Tonight she seems eager, so I get the sudden courage to gently lay her down onto her bed. Her foster brother Eli is off at Uni in America, and rarely comes home for visits so I know we'll have the house to ourselves. It was only the three of them, she never had a foster mum.
Oh my God is that her? Yes, that is definitely her hand moving over my cock. Fuck Gwen. Don't go touching that if you don't plane on letting me use it. I've had enough cold showers to last me a lifetime. Maybe she's just accidently brushed over my…uh… OH… YES! Nope she is definitely touching me on purpose. Her hand is now inside my trousers. Oh yes, keep going love.
"Oh Lance"
My hands finally make it to her bra strap, and with her soft moans as reassurance, I unhook it. After I do it I can't help but say a soft prayer that this time I won't have to stop. Her hand is making me far too tight in the trousers, and I…Wait! What's she doing? Why is she stopping? NO! Please love I'm sorry, I'll re-hook it, just go back to what you were doing with your hand.
Just when I'm about to shamefully make my way to the toilet she smiles at me, and I stiffen. I remember that smile. I've seen it countless times before her Dad died. The, I just wanna fucksmile that she always used to tease me with in the past. Even if we never actually had sex, I was guaranteed at least a proper suck with that smile.
Then just like that, I become a religious man. Her purple top has just landed very neatly on the floor, and the black lacy bra that I'd just unhooked along with it. My mum and dad always told me not to stare, but I'd like to meet a straight bloke who could have kept their eyes above the neck at that point. I mean I've seen her breasts before, but it had honestly been years since I'd last seen them looking so inviting. Oh shit I think I'm drooling.
"Do you like what you see Lance?"
I'm lost for words, and her hand moving back to my prick is not helping me think clearly enough to shout out the YESthat is going off like an alarm in my head.
"I mean, it feels like you do"
I can't contain myself any longer, and I jump her. Her giggles only make me harder. I feel like I'm exploding with feelings of love for this woman, and I just need to let them out as soon as possible. Gross, that really made me sound like a poof.
I can't believe this is really it, we are really about to lose our virginities tonight! Our hands are everywhere, and all I can hear are our mingled pants and moans. Eventually my lips are sucking on her breasts, while her hands are clumsily undoing my trousers. I contemplate having her wank me off a bit more, but I quickly realize the longer we wait the more opportunities there will be for us to stop. I'm hard she's wet; I don't see the need for anything else.
While I'm pulling my trousers all the way off I notice her nervously pulling off her trackie bottoms. Shit maybe she isn't actually ready for this?
"Gwen we don't have to do anything you're not ready for. If you want to stop we can."
There I said it, and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm not just looking for a lay with Gwen, I love her. I don't want our first time to be when she isn't ready. I'll wait years if that's what it takes. I don't want to, but I will.
She hesitates before answering me, and I know that whatever she's going to say I'm not going to like. I can tell something bad is about to happen just from the look in her eyes. In that instance I hate how easy it has become to read her emotions; I don't want to know what she feels guilty about.
When she eventually decides to put her trackie bottoms back on, picks up her top, and says we need to talk, I know that the only thing I'll be getting today is yet another cold shower. I've always known that religion just isn't for someone like me.
Once our clothes are back in order, we awkwardly sit down on the edge of her bed. I was nervous before, but now I'm downright frightened. She has her arms wrapped around herself like she always does when she's scared, and for her to be scared means that I'm really not going to like whatever she's going to tell me. The lip biting definitely isn't helping matters; it's making me anxious and horny all at the same time.
"Lance I…"
Oh fuck it must be really bad, she's starting to cry. Gwen always likes to make herself look tough. She's just not the kind of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve.
"Lance I love you"
I don't see what's so bad about that, but I put my arms around her anyways and hold her while she continues to cry into the crook of my neck. Though, I'm put on edge once again when I tell her I love her tooand she only cries harder.
Slowly she pulls back from me and quickly wipes away her tears. She's trying to steady her breathing to be strong. When she rests her hands on top of mine I kiss them, and squeeze them back.
"Gwen, you know you can tell me anything"
I nearly cry at the look she gives me. She's so scared, and I wonder if I really want to hear what she's about to tell me.
"I've had sex with someone else"
She bursts into fresh tears, but I barely notice. I've dropped her hands from my grip, and am slowly inching towards the door. The air in the room is stifling and I feel like I'm suffocating.
"What?"
She's looking at me like she's afraid I'm going to leg it out of her room, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I thought about it. How could she do this to me? To us?
"Lance you have to listen to me. I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear. I was at a party that week we were on a break…"
"You've got to be joking. You can't really be telling me that we go on a break for a week and you're already screwing around with some other bloke. Tell me you're FUCKING KIDDING!"
I'm furious. I keep looking around her room for something to break so it isn't just my heart that's shattering into pieces.
"NO! Lance it wasn't like that, you've gotta listen to me"
"I don't have to listen to SHIT. You've been lying to me for over a year. You made me think it was because you weren't ready after everything with your dad, but really it was because you didn't want me to find out you'd been slagging around town."
She slaps me pretty hard and I don't even care. I'm too angry. I've waited for her for years. That week she said she needed space to herself I spent mostly at home watching footie and hoping she wasn't finished with me. I didn't even go out when Gwaine kept telling me about parties, and the ample fannies that would be falling into my lap if I did. Yet, while I'd been thinking about her, she'd been out fucking some other guy's prick.
"Can you please just listen to me for five fucking minutes?"
I want to hear her excuse, but I don't want to forgive her. Whatever she has to say is good enough to make me take her back into my arms, and reassure her everything will be alright. She knows that, and that's why she wants me to listen to her. But right now I'm far too angry to hear her out. Right now I just want to let myself be livid for a little while longer. Maybe Gwen needs to realize that I'm not always going to forgive her every time she fucks up like I did in the past. I've spoiled her rotten, and I'm just starting to realize it.
I look at her, and slowly her anger seeps away. Good, she isn't allowed to be angry. I haven't been the one fucking around.
Her hand comes out to touch my arm, and I swiftly move away from her. From the look on her face I know the action has hurt her, but again I don't care. I want her to hurt just as much as I am, maybe even a little more.
I sadly realize there's nothing left to be said right now, and if I stay I'll only say something I'll later regret.
She doesn't follow me as I walk out of her room, down the stairs, and out her front door - never once calls my name. Although right before I get into my car I can see her peeking out the window at me. I look at her tear stricken face one last time before I sit in my car, start the engine, and drive out of her street.
-o-
My car is parked outside the Pendragon Manor, and I hesitate with whether or not to go in. I've been calling and messaging Gwaine ever since I left Gwen's house, but he still hasn't replied back. I want someone to vent to, but I don't have many close mates besides Gwaine and Gwen. The very two people I can't talk to at the moment. Morgan is definitely more Gwen's mate than mine, and I only really tolerate her because of that. But Morgan has always been nice to me, even though being a huge bitch is her default when dealing with most people. I won't say we get on, but we do acknowledge the others continued existence.
Yeah I'm home. What happened with you and Gwen?
This is a mistake. Morgan isn't my mate, she's Gwen's. How can I just go in and start screaming about her best mate without getting chewed out in the process. Ugh maybe I should just go talk to Dad; Mum's gone on holiday to visit Aunt Viv so I won't have to watch my language. God I really am pathetic. I rest my head in my hands, and then can't help but bang my head on the steering wheel in frustration. How did things get this fucked up?
Tap tap tap
What the hell is that? That isn't the horn.
Tap tap tap
"Are you going to continue sitting there banging your head like a mental, or are you going to come in?"
I look up and right into the amused eyes of Morgan Fay. She doesn't seem angry, so I doubt Gwen told her all the horrible things I said to her. And there it is, right on time as usual. I've been away from her for not even an hour, and already I want to go back to her house and apologize for the things I said to her. I want to hear what happened that night, but most of all I want to forgive her.
"Depends on whether or not you've got any beers inside?"
I follow her inside because she just laughs at my comment and walks towards her house like she knows I'll follow, and I can't really see any reason not to.
As soon as I walk into the door of the large house, I nod to a few of the housekeepers, and make my way to her room. Morgan's room is just about the only place I ever really visit when I come round with Gwen, well that and the kitchen.
Arthur and I aren't mates so I've never been in his room. He always has his room door closed, so I can't take a peek even if I am sort of curious. Though, I bet that wanker leaves it wide open when it's just Gwen coming to visit Morgan. If he really thinks I haven't been watching him with my girlfriend since the first day I met him, Arthur Pendragon is in for a sure surprise. All those little plans I've overheard when I went to go take a piss. I always made sure his little schemes never worked.
I finally make my way into Morgan's room, and look around hazardously for somewhere to sit. Unlike Gwen's room, Morgan's is always a mess. She doesn't care much for cleaning, and she won't allow any of the housekeepers to go around touching her things. When she's ready to have something washed or cleaned, she puts it in a laundry bin and leaves it outside her door. Outside her room the next day will be the same bin with her clean and folded clothes.
Slowly I walk over clothes and old take away boxes towards the chair in the corner that I usually sit on, but I soon notice that there are a number of clothes piled on top of it with a few of her knickers. Nervously I decide to sit down on the edge of her bed - it's the only clean area in the room.
It doesn't take long for Morgan to come in with two beers and a bag of crisps in her hands. She easily kicks the door closed with her foot, and then makes her way towards me. Gratefully I take the beer from her outstretched hand, and down most of it in one go.
"Cheers"
All she does is laugh some more, and I suddenly feel really awkward being here without Gwen. Something about this doesn't seem right. I'm not mates with Morgan, and I shouldn't be hanging out with her in her bedroom. Maybe I'll just finish the beer, and then wait outside Gwaine's place until he finally makes it home? Actually I'm sure his mum would let me in, she's always fairly nice to me.
"Alright, so what's happened between you and Gwen?"
I take another long swig of my beer; not because I really want it anymore, but because I feel really uncomfortable and it gives me something to do. I know it's stupid to feel this way - I mean it's only Morgan, but something no longer feels right about any of this.
Since when is Morgan so nice anyway? She's staring at me with a kind smile I've only ever seen her direct at Gwen, and it's really making me feel like legging it. If Gwen called her surely she'd have rushed over there to comfort her? Yeah it's been a while since I was there, but Gwen must have still sounded distraught when they talked on the phone?
"We just got into a bit of a row, it's nothing really. Everything should clear up by Monday."
Now I'm really thinking it best I just leave. I'm starting to believe that my gut feeling is spot on this time. If Morgan has spoken to Gwen I know she'd have already told her what happened between us, so why is Morgan acting as if she doesn't know. And if they really haven't spoken, how does she know something is wrong with me and Gwen?
"Actually I think I'm going to get out of here. I should probably head back now that I've had some time to cool off. Ta for the beer."
I finish off the rest of my beer and just put it on the ground, it isn't as if I'm causing such a big mess anyways. Just when I'm about to stand she puts her hand on my shoulder, and I freeze.
"Relax Lance, you're much too tense. Let me help you loosing those muscles."
Okay I'm definitely right to think something is very very wrong with this situation. Not only is she now rubbing my shoulders, but I can feel her breathing down my neck. How did I not see this coming?
"Look Morgan I'm with Gwen remember, your best mate. Now I'll forget this happened, but you've got to promise me that you won't try something like this again. We need to be civil around each other for Gwen's sake."
I pull her arms off my shoulders, and turn so I'm facing her. I'm just about to get up off the bed because she just starts laughing again, when she suddenly pulls my face towards hers. Holy shit! She's actually kissing me. Isn't she supposed to be my girlfriend's best mate? Ugh Fuck, Gwen.
I push Morgan away from me in disgust. Who the hell does something like that to their best mate's boyfriend of over FOUR years?
"What's wrong with you? You know I love Gwen. How can you even think I'd leave her for you?"
I ignore the hurt look that crosses her face. I'm not going to fall for it. I'm going to leave, but I need to make her see reason before I do. Gwen loves Morgan, and she'll be devastated when I tell her about what she did tonight. I want to help Morgan see that before it's too late.
Suddenly Morgan jumps off the bed, walks to the front of her door, and just stands there. I drop my head and sigh in defeat ready to just get up and leave, but then startle as I feel something land on the back of my head. I pull it off and see it's one of Morgan's tops. Then I drop it to the floor like it's burned me. It's the green top she'd just been wearing. Horrified I keep my eyes to the floor, and stay paralyzed to the spot. Fuck!
I can feel the heat of her body in front of me, her pale legs coming ever closer, but I don't look up. I know what I'll find when I see her, and I know I can't. I love Gwen! Oh God, I love her so much!
I feel a hard push that brings my body onto Morgan's bed, and I just stare at the ceiling. I'm not going to let her win. I refuse to hurt Gwen like this; she loves us both so much. I force my eyes from the ceiling resigned to get up and run as fast as I can out of this house without ever looking back. But as soon as I look up I see her above me - completely naked, I can't stop my cock from twitching in my trousers - bloody traitor.
She sits on top of my now throbbing dick, and quickly starts rubbing herself against me. Her nipples are just in front of my lips, begging me to suck them. Fuck, why me!
"It's okay Lance she doesn't have to know. I won't tell if you don't."
Oh Gwen, I love you so much
-o-
Yes the universal opinion is that boys that cry are pussies, but at the moment I don't really give a fuck. I'm sitting in Camelot's car park dreading the sight of Gwen.
I spent the rest of my weekend locked inside my room crying, and only crying harder when Gwen called. I'm not even mad at her anymore. I know whatever her reason for screwing that guy it wasn't because she wanted to. What's my excuse? I can't say that I was pissed, because I only had one beer. Can't say she raped me, because there'd been a few times when I was on top. I can't even say I'd gone temporarily mad, because throughout the entire thing I kept thinking I'm completely and utterly fucked when Gwen finds out.
Morgan basically convinced me not to tell anybody. Nobody wants to hurt herhad been the fucking bitch's exact words. NOBODY WANTS TO HURT HER! I had to run out of the house to avoid putting hands on a woman for the first time in my life. I've never actually hated another human being as much as I hate Morgan, and just thinking about what we did always makes me feel dirty. Once I got back home I stayed in the shower for an hour, just trying to scrub away the memories of what I did.
Fuck, I just can't do it. I can't face Gwen. I don't want to lie to her, but I also don't want to tell her the truth. I know Gwen, and I know nothing will ever let her forgive me, even if she really wants to. As soon as she finds out, we'll be finished.
Tap tap tap
My entire body stiffens at the memory of who last performed that action on that very same window only two days ago. I look to the right, my eyes blazing with hate, only to see Gwaine given me a nervous wave.I don't wave back; just unlock the doors, and wait for him to walk around the car towards the passenger seat.
"Alright what's going on with you Lance? I've been calling you since Saturday. You call me over ten times and send me god knows how many texts, and as soon as I respond you disappear. So I'll repeat what the fuck?"
I know Gwaine is really more worried than angry. Even as I sit beside him I keep my eyes on the school entrance. Maybe if I see Morgan I can just drive into her and get rid of the last piece of evidence of what I did? No, Gwen won't understand why I did it, and then I'll have to go to prison.
"Lance? LANCE, are you even fucking listening to me? Mate you're acting like a robot, and I'm not going to lie it's scaring the shit out of me. What's happened?"
For the first time since he got into the car I look at him. The worry in his eyes breaks me, and I start crying once again. I don't deserve concern; I'm the one who fucked up. The victim is Gwen not me. I'm going to lose her all because I can't fucking keep it in my pants. She's going to hate me.
"Oie mate it's alright"
I almost laugh when Gwaine starts awkwardly patting me on the shoulder. I guess it's the thought that counts.
"No, it's not. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. When Gwen finds out she's never going to speak to me again. It's never going to be alright ever again."
I know Gwaine probably thinks I'm overreacting, but he doesn't know. There won't be any forgiveness for this. I can tell her and she might stay with me but she'll never trust me again; or I can not tell her and slowly let the guilt eat away at me. Either way I'm screwed.
"C'mon Lance it can't be that bad. Gwen loves you. Just say you're sorry and buy her some chocolates, you know how she loves those French ones you always get her."
I laugh like I've gone mad, and Gwaine instantly removes his hand from my shoulder. It's just so funny. In the past something like that might have worked, but not this time. How funny would it be if it had though? Hey love, I porked Morgan so now were even. How about some Ferrero Rocher?
"I fucked Morgan"
I can't stop laughing. I'm already at the point where it's becoming hard to breathe. Just saying the words out loud are making me laugh even harder. It sounds mental just hearing it said aloud. Why the fuck would I screw Morgan Fay? To anyone who knows me, it'd be absurd to think that I'd ever cheat on wonderful kindhearted Gwen, with a coldhearted bitch like Morgan. Why can't she and Mordred just get married and move somewhere far away like Canada?
"Okay, let me make sure I've got this right. You, Lance DuLac, my best mate the poetry lover, engaged in sexual intercourse with Morgan Fay? Are you out of your fucking mind?"
He actually looks at me like I'm a psycho, and I'm sure it's not because of the laughing.
"Shit! Shit! Shit! You're right, this is bad. Alright, so you just won't tell Gwen. Morgan's not stupid, she's not going to say anything. Gwen's the only one in that school who can stand her besides pantysniffer Mordred."
During Gwaine's little speech I'm able to start acting like a sane person again, and finally stop laughing.
"Yeah that's the thing, I don't know if I can just not tell her"
Gwaine's facial expression just makes me want to start laughing all over again. He's basically looking at me as if I've just grown a baby head on my shoulder and don't give a fuck.
"Lance I get it, I really do. Chivalry, nobility, and all that honesty shit, but if you tell Gwen about what happened between you and Morgan I don't think she'll ever forgive you. No one forgives their boyfriend for sleeping with their best mate. I think it best you don't tell her. How did this even happen?"
I know he's right, but I really don't know if I can just go against my principles. I love Gwen, but I'm not sure if I can just change my morals like that to stay in relationship filled with lies.
"Gwen told me she slept with someone else at a party…"
"SHE TOLD YOU?"
"YOU KNEW?"
Alright now I'm confused. Gwaine KNEW. He knew this whole time and he didn't say shit. Well, there goes the bros before hoes mentality. Not that Gwen's a hoe of course. I mean if we can get through this she'll likely be the mother of my children, so of course I don't think she's a whore. Ugh why do I always have to do this to myself? Just stop thinking about stupid shit.
"I was at the party she told me what happened the next day."
There's more to the story than that, I'm sure of it. Gwaine's clearly uncomfortable talking about it, which always means there's more to the story. He's such a shit liar.
"Fine, whatever. So I got mad…"
"Naturally"
"I called you because I was angry and needed to vent…"
"Sorry mate I was with Vivienne Waters, ripe little tart she is"
I ignore his smirk and roll my eyes, of course you were you twat.
"So instead I went to the Pendragon Manor…"
"Obviously that was a big mistake, anyone could have told you that"
"Oie, how about you close your bloody trap and let me finish the story?"
He nods sheepishly, and again I roll my eyes and ignore him.
"So whatever; she comes out, sees me in the car, and then invites me in. While I'm in her room I start to get this feeling like something's not right, but I'm like it's just Morgan. Then she starts rubbing my shoulders and snogging me. Just when I'm convinced she's not going to listen to reason…"
"What do you mean listen to reason?"
"I was trying to remind her that her best mate and my girlfriend are the same people, and that what she was trying to do would hurt Gwen. I was hoping that she'd see the error of her ways"
"Why the fuck were you doing that? Morgan's an evil bitch do you really think she cares about anyone but herself? I'm telling you her and Mordred, there made for each other."
I never thought I would see the day when I'd think Gwaine was right about anything, but alas that day has come. He's right. I should have just run out of there when she first touched my shoulder. Sometimes trying to be nice to people has a horrible way of biting you in the arse.
"Okay then regardless of my stupidity in that situation, let me just finish the story."
"Fine whatever"
"So then she hops right off the bed throws off all her clothes, and comes and sits in my lap. I mean what the fuck was I supposed to do? She starts rubbing against me, and whispering my name as she touches herself."
"You've got to be joking. She really did all that?"
"Yeah, she really did. As well as a few more things I'd rather not talk about."
I blush in embarrassment and disgust that she'd even been able to make me hard.
"Oh mate, a better man wouldn't have been able to turn her away with all that. It is a little suspicious though"
"How do you mean?"
"Well she was obviously trying to seduce you - that much is obvious, but why?"
I never thought about that. I mean, I just pegged it up to Morgan being a she devil doing everything in her power to ruin my life. Why had she tried so hard to seduce me?
Tap tap tap
The noise nearly makes me piss myself, and I jump a little in my seat. When I turn and look out the window my heart nearly melts at the expression on Gwen's face. She doesn't need to look sorry, or feel scared. In the end it's me that fucked up royally, not her. I open my car door slowly, still not really sure what I'm going to say to her. Luckily Morgan isn't around so the guilt doesn't feel as strong, but sadly it doesn't mean that it isn't still there.
I watch her nervously kicking some pebbles on the pavement. If things weren't so uncomfortable between us I'd have teased her about going to footie practice with me tomorrow. While we're standing awkwardly together I hear Gwaine get out of my car and run into Camelot - well there goes my moral support, bloody wanker.
"Look Lance I want to apologize"
"No Gwen"
"I should have told you as soon as it happened, I was just so scared"
"Gwen you really don't have to do this"
Please don't do this Gwen. I already feel enough like shit. I know anything you say is just going to make it ten times worse.
"Yes I do, I owe you that much."
No you really don't Gwen, you don't owe me anything.
"That night I was drinking a lot. I know it'd been a while since my Dad passed, but it still really hurt. I'd been sad for so long, and the alcohol was just making me feel happy again. I don't even remember having sex with anybody, that entire night has basically been wiped from my memory. I just remember waking up with blood on the sheets, and a sore…well you know. I don't even know who it was with. You have to believe me when I tell you I love you Lance. You and only you."
Shit, now she's crying and hugging me with a death grip like she's afraid I'm going to reject her if she doesn't hold on tightly.
"It's okay Gwen, I'm not mad anymore. I'm sorry I yelled at you, and then just left without listening to you. I should have just listened to you that night, everything would have been better if I had."
I really didn't think I could feel any worse about what happened with Morgan, but now I know I can. She lost her virginity to some asshole who was only taking advantage of her, no wonder she didn't want to tell me. I don't even think she realizes that she was basically raped that night. I hold on tighter to her and can't help but cry along with her.
"Lance don't cry everything's alright now"
She's wiping away my tears with such tenderness, and I know that I don't deserve it. How could I ever cheat on Gwen? My beautiful amazing Gwen.
"We're okay now aren't we Lance? We can get through this together right?"
This is the moment I've been dreading. What am I going to choose? My morals or Gwen?
"You and I can get through anything together Gwen. As long as we remember how much we love each other, nothing can come between us."
I hold back my grimace at the sight of her smile. I've just given up everything I've been raised to believe since birth for Gwen, and the scary thing is that I don't regret it. I can't lose Gwen because of what happened with Morgan. I won't.
Gently she takes my hand into her own and we walk towards Camelot together. Right before we make our way into the building I see Mordred and Merlin coming out of their car. They're both staring at us, but it only takes a brief scowl in his direction for Mordred to look away. Merlin doesn't back down, and his stare quickly unnerves me and forces me to turn away in confusion. Merlin and I have always been civil with each other, but just now he looked at me like I disgusted him.
I try to let the look pass from my mind as I wait with Gwen to get her books from her locker, but I can't. Why had he been looking at me like that? Then I feel a chill go down my spine when I remember the two pairs of shoes on the mat going into Morgan's house on Saturday - I nearly tripped on them. One of them had been Arthur's - the nob couldn't get enough of red Nikes. The other one had been a pair of ratty old black chucks. Shoes I'd seen on Merlin's feet myself a few times in the past.
Is it possible Merlin knows about what I did with Morgan? No he can't, I never saw him when I was coming or going. Wait…Shit. No this isn't happening. I remember hearing the toilet flush right as I pulled open the door and ran down the stairs. He could have seen me when I was putting on my shoes. He could have also seen Morgan lying naked on her bed because I threw open the door, and just put two and two together. Fuck!
"Lance are you alright?"
"What?"
"I said are you ready a full minute ago, and you still haven't responded. Are you sure we're okay? You seem to have a lot on your mind."
"We're perfect Gwen"
Well perfect as long as Merlin keeps his mouth shut. I suddenly stop walking with Gwen, kiss her on the cheek, and tell her I'll see her at lunch. I need to find Gwaine before he goes to class, I need his help now. I've just realized that if Merlin knows, it's only a matter of time before Arthur will too.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 3a: Guinevere
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains sexual content, and lots of swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Gwen/Lance, Morgan, Gwaine, Merlin, Mordred, (allusions to Arthur and Eli or Elyan)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN’s not mine, just the grammatical errors
Summary: Lance loves Gwen, but what happens when something challenges their relationship? Will they be able to survive it in the end?
Author’s notes: Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Lance
Okay don't push her yeah. Your jumpers already off, just slowly put your hand on her bottom and squeeze. If she likes it, keep going. If not, apologize like the nob you are, and order in some take away.
I'm so pathetic it's actually become quite sad. I mean I'm snogging my girlfriend, not some random bird I pulled from the pub. Yet, here I am afraid to touch her because every time I do, she makes up some horrible excuse and then tells me I should probably piss off. Well, Gwen would never say piss off - she's too nice for that, but that's basically what she's implying.
Alright, I may not have the patience of Mother Theresa, but I think I'm pretty justified after waiting four years to make love to Gwen. When her foster Dad died of a heart attack nearly two years ago, I was there for her - never once pushed her for sex. Every time she tells me that she wants to stop, I jump off her immediately. That's just the kind of bloke I am, but come on, four years in a relationship and no sex! For God sake, I'm seventeen and still a virgin. Maybe if Gwaine wasn't my best mate it wouldn't seem like such a big deal, but he is. I'm tired of hearing him tell me how good sex is, because recently I've been feeling even more frustrated…down there. I love the woman dearly, but she's driving me mad!
Yup that's it, just keep it slow Lance, pace yourself mate. My hand has safely made its way underneath her top, and is slowly finding its way up to her bra. Gwen's lips are still firmly locked on mine so I know for now I'm in the clear.
Tonight she seems eager, so I get the sudden courage to gently lay her down onto her bed. Her foster brother Eli is off at Uni in America, and rarely comes home for visits so I know we'll have the house to ourselves. It was only the three of them, she never had a foster mum.
Oh my God is that her? Yes, that is definitely her hand moving over my cock. Fuck Gwen. Don't go touching that if you don't plane on letting me use it. I've had enough cold showers to last me a lifetime. Maybe she's just accidently brushed over my…uh… OH… YES! Nope she is definitely touching me on purpose. Her hand is now inside my trousers. Oh yes, keep going love.
"Oh Lance"
My hands finally make it to her bra strap, and with her soft moans as reassurance, I unhook it. After I do it I can't help but say a soft prayer that this time I won't have to stop. Her hand is making me far too tight in the trousers, and I…Wait! What's she doing? Why is she stopping? NO! Please love I'm sorry, I'll re-hook it, just go back to what you were doing with your hand.
Just when I'm about to shamefully make my way to the toilet she smiles at me, and I stiffen. I remember that smile. I've seen it countless times before her Dad died. The, I just wanna fucksmile that she always used to tease me with in the past. Even if we never actually had sex, I was guaranteed at least a proper suck with that smile.
Then just like that, I become a religious man. Her purple top has just landed very neatly on the floor, and the black lacy bra that I'd just unhooked along with it. My mum and dad always told me not to stare, but I'd like to meet a straight bloke who could have kept their eyes above the neck at that point. I mean I've seen her breasts before, but it had honestly been years since I'd last seen them looking so inviting. Oh shit I think I'm drooling.
"Do you like what you see Lance?"
I'm lost for words, and her hand moving back to my prick is not helping me think clearly enough to shout out the YESthat is going off like an alarm in my head.
"I mean, it feels like you do"
I can't contain myself any longer, and I jump her. Her giggles only make me harder. I feel like I'm exploding with feelings of love for this woman, and I just need to let them out as soon as possible. Gross, that really made me sound like a poof.
I can't believe this is really it, we are really about to lose our virginities tonight! Our hands are everywhere, and all I can hear are our mingled pants and moans. Eventually my lips are sucking on her breasts, while her hands are clumsily undoing my trousers. I contemplate having her wank me off a bit more, but I quickly realize the longer we wait the more opportunities there will be for us to stop. I'm hard she's wet; I don't see the need for anything else.
While I'm pulling my trousers all the way off I notice her nervously pulling off her trackie bottoms. Shit maybe she isn't actually ready for this?
"Gwen we don't have to do anything you're not ready for. If you want to stop we can."
There I said it, and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm not just looking for a lay with Gwen, I love her. I don't want our first time to be when she isn't ready. I'll wait years if that's what it takes. I don't want to, but I will.
She hesitates before answering me, and I know that whatever she's going to say I'm not going to like. I can tell something bad is about to happen just from the look in her eyes. In that instance I hate how easy it has become to read her emotions; I don't want to know what she feels guilty about.
When she eventually decides to put her trackie bottoms back on, picks up her top, and says we need to talk, I know that the only thing I'll be getting today is yet another cold shower. I've always known that religion just isn't for someone like me.
Once our clothes are back in order, we awkwardly sit down on the edge of her bed. I was nervous before, but now I'm downright frightened. She has her arms wrapped around herself like she always does when she's scared, and for her to be scared means that I'm really not going to like whatever she's going to tell me. The lip biting definitely isn't helping matters; it's making me anxious and horny all at the same time.
"Lance I…"
Oh fuck it must be really bad, she's starting to cry. Gwen always likes to make herself look tough. She's just not the kind of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve.
"Lance I love you"
I don't see what's so bad about that, but I put my arms around her anyways and hold her while she continues to cry into the crook of my neck. Though, I'm put on edge once again when I tell her I love her tooand she only cries harder.
Slowly she pulls back from me and quickly wipes away her tears. She's trying to steady her breathing to be strong. When she rests her hands on top of mine I kiss them, and squeeze them back.
"Gwen, you know you can tell me anything"
I nearly cry at the look she gives me. She's so scared, and I wonder if I really want to hear what she's about to tell me.
"I've had sex with someone else"
She bursts into fresh tears, but I barely notice. I've dropped her hands from my grip, and am slowly inching towards the door. The air in the room is stifling and I feel like I'm suffocating.
"What?"
She's looking at me like she's afraid I'm going to leg it out of her room, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I thought about it. How could she do this to me? To us?
"Lance you have to listen to me. I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear. I was at a party that week we were on a break…"
"You've got to be joking. You can't really be telling me that we go on a break for a week and you're already screwing around with some other bloke. Tell me you're FUCKING KIDDING!"
I'm furious. I keep looking around her room for something to break so it isn't just my heart that's shattering into pieces.
"NO! Lance it wasn't like that, you've gotta listen to me"
"I don't have to listen to SHIT. You've been lying to me for over a year. You made me think it was because you weren't ready after everything with your dad, but really it was because you didn't want me to find out you'd been slagging around town."
She slaps me pretty hard and I don't even care. I'm too angry. I've waited for her for years. That week she said she needed space to herself I spent mostly at home watching footie and hoping she wasn't finished with me. I didn't even go out when Gwaine kept telling me about parties, and the ample fannies that would be falling into my lap if I did. Yet, while I'd been thinking about her, she'd been out fucking some other guy's prick.
"Can you please just listen to me for five fucking minutes?"
I want to hear her excuse, but I don't want to forgive her. Whatever she has to say is good enough to make me take her back into my arms, and reassure her everything will be alright. She knows that, and that's why she wants me to listen to her. But right now I'm far too angry to hear her out. Right now I just want to let myself be livid for a little while longer. Maybe Gwen needs to realize that I'm not always going to forgive her every time she fucks up like I did in the past. I've spoiled her rotten, and I'm just starting to realize it.
I look at her, and slowly her anger seeps away. Good, she isn't allowed to be angry. I haven't been the one fucking around.
Her hand comes out to touch my arm, and I swiftly move away from her. From the look on her face I know the action has hurt her, but again I don't care. I want her to hurt just as much as I am, maybe even a little more.
I sadly realize there's nothing left to be said right now, and if I stay I'll only say something I'll later regret.
She doesn't follow me as I walk out of her room, down the stairs, and out her front door - never once calls my name. Although right before I get into my car I can see her peeking out the window at me. I look at her tear stricken face one last time before I sit in my car, start the engine, and drive out of her street.
-o-
My car is parked outside the Pendragon Manor, and I hesitate with whether or not to go in. I've been calling and messaging Gwaine ever since I left Gwen's house, but he still hasn't replied back. I want someone to vent to, but I don't have many close mates besides Gwaine and Gwen. The very two people I can't talk to at the moment. Morgan is definitely more Gwen's mate than mine, and I only really tolerate her because of that. But Morgan has always been nice to me, even though being a huge bitch is her default when dealing with most people. I won't say we get on, but we do acknowledge the others continued existence.
Yeah I'm home. What happened with you and Gwen?
This is a mistake. Morgan isn't my mate, she's Gwen's. How can I just go in and start screaming about her best mate without getting chewed out in the process. Ugh maybe I should just go talk to Dad; Mum's gone on holiday to visit Aunt Viv so I won't have to watch my language. God I really am pathetic. I rest my head in my hands, and then can't help but bang my head on the steering wheel in frustration. How did things get this fucked up?
Tap tap tap
What the hell is that? That isn't the horn.
Tap tap tap
"Are you going to continue sitting there banging your head like a mental, or are you going to come in?"
I look up and right into the amused eyes of Morgan Fay. She doesn't seem angry, so I doubt Gwen told her all the horrible things I said to her. And there it is, right on time as usual. I've been away from her for not even an hour, and already I want to go back to her house and apologize for the things I said to her. I want to hear what happened that night, but most of all I want to forgive her.
"Depends on whether or not you've got any beers inside?"
I follow her inside because she just laughs at my comment and walks towards her house like she knows I'll follow, and I can't really see any reason not to.
As soon as I walk into the door of the large house, I nod to a few of the housekeepers, and make my way to her room. Morgan's room is just about the only place I ever really visit when I come round with Gwen, well that and the kitchen.
Arthur and I aren't mates so I've never been in his room. He always has his room door closed, so I can't take a peek even if I am sort of curious. Though, I bet that wanker leaves it wide open when it's just Gwen coming to visit Morgan. If he really thinks I haven't been watching him with my girlfriend since the first day I met him, Arthur Pendragon is in for a sure surprise. All those little plans I've overheard when I went to go take a piss. I always made sure his little schemes never worked.
I finally make my way into Morgan's room, and look around hazardously for somewhere to sit. Unlike Gwen's room, Morgan's is always a mess. She doesn't care much for cleaning, and she won't allow any of the housekeepers to go around touching her things. When she's ready to have something washed or cleaned, she puts it in a laundry bin and leaves it outside her door. Outside her room the next day will be the same bin with her clean and folded clothes.
Slowly I walk over clothes and old take away boxes towards the chair in the corner that I usually sit on, but I soon notice that there are a number of clothes piled on top of it with a few of her knickers. Nervously I decide to sit down on the edge of her bed - it's the only clean area in the room.
It doesn't take long for Morgan to come in with two beers and a bag of crisps in her hands. She easily kicks the door closed with her foot, and then makes her way towards me. Gratefully I take the beer from her outstretched hand, and down most of it in one go.
"Cheers"
All she does is laugh some more, and I suddenly feel really awkward being here without Gwen. Something about this doesn't seem right. I'm not mates with Morgan, and I shouldn't be hanging out with her in her bedroom. Maybe I'll just finish the beer, and then wait outside Gwaine's place until he finally makes it home? Actually I'm sure his mum would let me in, she's always fairly nice to me.
"Alright, so what's happened between you and Gwen?"
I take another long swig of my beer; not because I really want it anymore, but because I feel really uncomfortable and it gives me something to do. I know it's stupid to feel this way - I mean it's only Morgan, but something no longer feels right about any of this.
Since when is Morgan so nice anyway? She's staring at me with a kind smile I've only ever seen her direct at Gwen, and it's really making me feel like legging it. If Gwen called her surely she'd have rushed over there to comfort her? Yeah it's been a while since I was there, but Gwen must have still sounded distraught when they talked on the phone?
"We just got into a bit of a row, it's nothing really. Everything should clear up by Monday."
Now I'm really thinking it best I just leave. I'm starting to believe that my gut feeling is spot on this time. If Morgan has spoken to Gwen I know she'd have already told her what happened between us, so why is Morgan acting as if she doesn't know. And if they really haven't spoken, how does she know something is wrong with me and Gwen?
"Actually I think I'm going to get out of here. I should probably head back now that I've had some time to cool off. Ta for the beer."
I finish off the rest of my beer and just put it on the ground, it isn't as if I'm causing such a big mess anyways. Just when I'm about to stand she puts her hand on my shoulder, and I freeze.
"Relax Lance, you're much too tense. Let me help you loosing those muscles."
Okay I'm definitely right to think something is very very wrong with this situation. Not only is she now rubbing my shoulders, but I can feel her breathing down my neck. How did I not see this coming?
"Look Morgan I'm with Gwen remember, your best mate. Now I'll forget this happened, but you've got to promise me that you won't try something like this again. We need to be civil around each other for Gwen's sake."
I pull her arms off my shoulders, and turn so I'm facing her. I'm just about to get up off the bed because she just starts laughing again, when she suddenly pulls my face towards hers. Holy shit! She's actually kissing me. Isn't she supposed to be my girlfriend's best mate? Ugh Fuck, Gwen.
I push Morgan away from me in disgust. Who the hell does something like that to their best mate's boyfriend of over FOUR years?
"What's wrong with you? You know I love Gwen. How can you even think I'd leave her for you?"
I ignore the hurt look that crosses her face. I'm not going to fall for it. I'm going to leave, but I need to make her see reason before I do. Gwen loves Morgan, and she'll be devastated when I tell her about what she did tonight. I want to help Morgan see that before it's too late.
Suddenly Morgan jumps off the bed, walks to the front of her door, and just stands there. I drop my head and sigh in defeat ready to just get up and leave, but then startle as I feel something land on the back of my head. I pull it off and see it's one of Morgan's tops. Then I drop it to the floor like it's burned me. It's the green top she'd just been wearing. Horrified I keep my eyes to the floor, and stay paralyzed to the spot. Fuck!
I can feel the heat of her body in front of me, her pale legs coming ever closer, but I don't look up. I know what I'll find when I see her, and I know I can't. I love Gwen! Oh God, I love her so much!
I feel a hard push that brings my body onto Morgan's bed, and I just stare at the ceiling. I'm not going to let her win. I refuse to hurt Gwen like this; she loves us both so much. I force my eyes from the ceiling resigned to get up and run as fast as I can out of this house without ever looking back. But as soon as I look up I see her above me - completely naked, I can't stop my cock from twitching in my trousers - bloody traitor.
She sits on top of my now throbbing dick, and quickly starts rubbing herself against me. Her nipples are just in front of my lips, begging me to suck them. Fuck, why me!
"It's okay Lance she doesn't have to know. I won't tell if you don't."
Oh Gwen, I love you so much
-o-
Yes the universal opinion is that boys that cry are pussies, but at the moment I don't really give a fuck. I'm sitting in Camelot's car park dreading the sight of Gwen.
I spent the rest of my weekend locked inside my room crying, and only crying harder when Gwen called. I'm not even mad at her anymore. I know whatever her reason for screwing that guy it wasn't because she wanted to. What's my excuse? I can't say that I was pissed, because I only had one beer. Can't say she raped me, because there'd been a few times when I was on top. I can't even say I'd gone temporarily mad, because throughout the entire thing I kept thinking I'm completely and utterly fucked when Gwen finds out.
Morgan basically convinced me not to tell anybody. Nobody wants to hurt herhad been the fucking bitch's exact words. NOBODY WANTS TO HURT HER! I had to run out of the house to avoid putting hands on a woman for the first time in my life. I've never actually hated another human being as much as I hate Morgan, and just thinking about what we did always makes me feel dirty. Once I got back home I stayed in the shower for an hour, just trying to scrub away the memories of what I did.
Fuck, I just can't do it. I can't face Gwen. I don't want to lie to her, but I also don't want to tell her the truth. I know Gwen, and I know nothing will ever let her forgive me, even if she really wants to. As soon as she finds out, we'll be finished.
Tap tap tap
My entire body stiffens at the memory of who last performed that action on that very same window only two days ago. I look to the right, my eyes blazing with hate, only to see Gwaine given me a nervous wave.I don't wave back; just unlock the doors, and wait for him to walk around the car towards the passenger seat.
"Alright what's going on with you Lance? I've been calling you since Saturday. You call me over ten times and send me god knows how many texts, and as soon as I respond you disappear. So I'll repeat what the fuck?"
I know Gwaine is really more worried than angry. Even as I sit beside him I keep my eyes on the school entrance. Maybe if I see Morgan I can just drive into her and get rid of the last piece of evidence of what I did? No, Gwen won't understand why I did it, and then I'll have to go to prison.
"Lance? LANCE, are you even fucking listening to me? Mate you're acting like a robot, and I'm not going to lie it's scaring the shit out of me. What's happened?"
For the first time since he got into the car I look at him. The worry in his eyes breaks me, and I start crying once again. I don't deserve concern; I'm the one who fucked up. The victim is Gwen not me. I'm going to lose her all because I can't fucking keep it in my pants. She's going to hate me.
"Oie mate it's alright"
I almost laugh when Gwaine starts awkwardly patting me on the shoulder. I guess it's the thought that counts.
"No, it's not. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. When Gwen finds out she's never going to speak to me again. It's never going to be alright ever again."
I know Gwaine probably thinks I'm overreacting, but he doesn't know. There won't be any forgiveness for this. I can tell her and she might stay with me but she'll never trust me again; or I can not tell her and slowly let the guilt eat away at me. Either way I'm screwed.
"C'mon Lance it can't be that bad. Gwen loves you. Just say you're sorry and buy her some chocolates, you know how she loves those French ones you always get her."
I laugh like I've gone mad, and Gwaine instantly removes his hand from my shoulder. It's just so funny. In the past something like that might have worked, but not this time. How funny would it be if it had though? Hey love, I porked Morgan so now were even. How about some Ferrero Rocher?
"I fucked Morgan"
I can't stop laughing. I'm already at the point where it's becoming hard to breathe. Just saying the words out loud are making me laugh even harder. It sounds mental just hearing it said aloud. Why the fuck would I screw Morgan Fay? To anyone who knows me, it'd be absurd to think that I'd ever cheat on wonderful kindhearted Gwen, with a coldhearted bitch like Morgan. Why can't she and Mordred just get married and move somewhere far away like Canada?
"Okay, let me make sure I've got this right. You, Lance DuLac, my best mate the poetry lover, engaged in sexual intercourse with Morgan Fay? Are you out of your fucking mind?"
He actually looks at me like I'm a psycho, and I'm sure it's not because of the laughing.
"Shit! Shit! Shit! You're right, this is bad. Alright, so you just won't tell Gwen. Morgan's not stupid, she's not going to say anything. Gwen's the only one in that school who can stand her besides pantysniffer Mordred."
During Gwaine's little speech I'm able to start acting like a sane person again, and finally stop laughing.
"Yeah that's the thing, I don't know if I can just not tell her"
Gwaine's facial expression just makes me want to start laughing all over again. He's basically looking at me as if I've just grown a baby head on my shoulder and don't give a fuck.
"Lance I get it, I really do. Chivalry, nobility, and all that honesty shit, but if you tell Gwen about what happened between you and Morgan I don't think she'll ever forgive you. No one forgives their boyfriend for sleeping with their best mate. I think it best you don't tell her. How did this even happen?"
I know he's right, but I really don't know if I can just go against my principles. I love Gwen, but I'm not sure if I can just change my morals like that to stay in relationship filled with lies.
"Gwen told me she slept with someone else at a party…"
"SHE TOLD YOU?"
"YOU KNEW?"
Alright now I'm confused. Gwaine KNEW. He knew this whole time and he didn't say shit. Well, there goes the bros before hoes mentality. Not that Gwen's a hoe of course. I mean if we can get through this she'll likely be the mother of my children, so of course I don't think she's a whore. Ugh why do I always have to do this to myself? Just stop thinking about stupid shit.
"I was at the party she told me what happened the next day."
There's more to the story than that, I'm sure of it. Gwaine's clearly uncomfortable talking about it, which always means there's more to the story. He's such a shit liar.
"Fine, whatever. So I got mad…"
"Naturally"
"I called you because I was angry and needed to vent…"
"Sorry mate I was with Vivienne Waters, ripe little tart she is"
I ignore his smirk and roll my eyes, of course you were you twat.
"So instead I went to the Pendragon Manor…"
"Obviously that was a big mistake, anyone could have told you that"
"Oie, how about you close your bloody trap and let me finish the story?"
He nods sheepishly, and again I roll my eyes and ignore him.
"So whatever; she comes out, sees me in the car, and then invites me in. While I'm in her room I start to get this feeling like something's not right, but I'm like it's just Morgan. Then she starts rubbing my shoulders and snogging me. Just when I'm convinced she's not going to listen to reason…"
"What do you mean listen to reason?"
"I was trying to remind her that her best mate and my girlfriend are the same people, and that what she was trying to do would hurt Gwen. I was hoping that she'd see the error of her ways"
"Why the fuck were you doing that? Morgan's an evil bitch do you really think she cares about anyone but herself? I'm telling you her and Mordred, there made for each other."
I never thought I would see the day when I'd think Gwaine was right about anything, but alas that day has come. He's right. I should have just run out of there when she first touched my shoulder. Sometimes trying to be nice to people has a horrible way of biting you in the arse.
"Okay then regardless of my stupidity in that situation, let me just finish the story."
"Fine whatever"
"So then she hops right off the bed throws off all her clothes, and comes and sits in my lap. I mean what the fuck was I supposed to do? She starts rubbing against me, and whispering my name as she touches herself."
"You've got to be joking. She really did all that?"
"Yeah, she really did. As well as a few more things I'd rather not talk about."
I blush in embarrassment and disgust that she'd even been able to make me hard.
"Oh mate, a better man wouldn't have been able to turn her away with all that. It is a little suspicious though"
"How do you mean?"
"Well she was obviously trying to seduce you - that much is obvious, but why?"
I never thought about that. I mean, I just pegged it up to Morgan being a she devil doing everything in her power to ruin my life. Why had she tried so hard to seduce me?
Tap tap tap
The noise nearly makes me piss myself, and I jump a little in my seat. When I turn and look out the window my heart nearly melts at the expression on Gwen's face. She doesn't need to look sorry, or feel scared. In the end it's me that fucked up royally, not her. I open my car door slowly, still not really sure what I'm going to say to her. Luckily Morgan isn't around so the guilt doesn't feel as strong, but sadly it doesn't mean that it isn't still there.
I watch her nervously kicking some pebbles on the pavement. If things weren't so uncomfortable between us I'd have teased her about going to footie practice with me tomorrow. While we're standing awkwardly together I hear Gwaine get out of my car and run into Camelot - well there goes my moral support, bloody wanker.
"Look Lance I want to apologize"
"No Gwen"
"I should have told you as soon as it happened, I was just so scared"
"Gwen you really don't have to do this"
Please don't do this Gwen. I already feel enough like shit. I know anything you say is just going to make it ten times worse.
"Yes I do, I owe you that much."
No you really don't Gwen, you don't owe me anything.
"That night I was drinking a lot. I know it'd been a while since my Dad passed, but it still really hurt. I'd been sad for so long, and the alcohol was just making me feel happy again. I don't even remember having sex with anybody, that entire night has basically been wiped from my memory. I just remember waking up with blood on the sheets, and a sore…well you know. I don't even know who it was with. You have to believe me when I tell you I love you Lance. You and only you."
Shit, now she's crying and hugging me with a death grip like she's afraid I'm going to reject her if she doesn't hold on tightly.
"It's okay Gwen, I'm not mad anymore. I'm sorry I yelled at you, and then just left without listening to you. I should have just listened to you that night, everything would have been better if I had."
I really didn't think I could feel any worse about what happened with Morgan, but now I know I can. She lost her virginity to some asshole who was only taking advantage of her, no wonder she didn't want to tell me. I don't even think she realizes that she was basically raped that night. I hold on tighter to her and can't help but cry along with her.
"Lance don't cry everything's alright now"
She's wiping away my tears with such tenderness, and I know that I don't deserve it. How could I ever cheat on Gwen? My beautiful amazing Gwen.
"We're okay now aren't we Lance? We can get through this together right?"
This is the moment I've been dreading. What am I going to choose? My morals or Gwen?
"You and I can get through anything together Gwen. As long as we remember how much we love each other, nothing can come between us."
I hold back my grimace at the sight of her smile. I've just given up everything I've been raised to believe since birth for Gwen, and the scary thing is that I don't regret it. I can't lose Gwen because of what happened with Morgan. I won't.
Gently she takes my hand into her own and we walk towards Camelot together. Right before we make our way into the building I see Mordred and Merlin coming out of their car. They're both staring at us, but it only takes a brief scowl in his direction for Mordred to look away. Merlin doesn't back down, and his stare quickly unnerves me and forces me to turn away in confusion. Merlin and I have always been civil with each other, but just now he looked at me like I disgusted him.
I try to let the look pass from my mind as I wait with Gwen to get her books from her locker, but I can't. Why had he been looking at me like that? Then I feel a chill go down my spine when I remember the two pairs of shoes on the mat going into Morgan's house on Saturday - I nearly tripped on them. One of them had been Arthur's - the nob couldn't get enough of red Nikes. The other one had been a pair of ratty old black chucks. Shoes I'd seen on Merlin's feet myself a few times in the past.
Is it possible Merlin knows about what I did with Morgan? No he can't, I never saw him when I was coming or going. Wait…Shit. No this isn't happening. I remember hearing the toilet flush right as I pulled open the door and ran down the stairs. He could have seen me when I was putting on my shoes. He could have also seen Morgan lying naked on her bed because I threw open the door, and just put two and two together. Fuck!
"Lance are you alright?"
"What?"
"I said are you ready a full minute ago, and you still haven't responded. Are you sure we're okay? You seem to have a lot on your mind."
"We're perfect Gwen"
Well perfect as long as Merlin keeps his mouth shut. I suddenly stop walking with Gwen, kiss her on the cheek, and tell her I'll see her at lunch. I need to find Gwaine before he goes to class, I need his help now. I've just realized that if Merlin knows, it's only a matter of time before Arthur will too.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 3a: Guinevere