In Our Own Skins: Guinevere
Title: In Our Own Skins (3a/8)
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: T
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lance, Morgan (allusions to Merlin, Tom, and Eli or Elyan)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN's not mine, just the grammatical errors.
Summary: How will Gwen cope when she discovers that the two closest to her have betrayed her?
Author's notes: This is the first part of Guinevere. Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this so I apologize in advance for any errors.
Guinevere
Morgan's room is messy, which isn't really anything new. She never lets the maids clean it no matter how many times they ask. I'm not the type to initiate an argument, so I usually keep my mouth shut about her rather disgusting hygiene habits; anything to avoid her sharp tongue. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but I'm well aware of how stubborn she is. Morgan's still my mate - at times not always the best mate, but she was the first person to approach me with friendship when I was sent to live with Dad and Eli. Back then things had been hard, and she'd always been there for me.
As Morgan continues painting her nails I start picking up a few empty crisp bags and beer bottles, and with a heavy sigh put them in her bin. I hate myself for being such a stickler for cleanliness but I can't help it. Dad had always been a hard working parent who kept late hours, and Eli was much more interested in going out than doing housework. I was the one who stayed at home so that when they both eventually found their way through the door, the washing was folded and their food was waiting. I guess I'd also hoped that if they saw me as useful they wouldn't give me back to the orphanage.
"Gwen, could you be a darling and get me a drink from the kitchen? Just a bottle of water would be wonderful. Feel free to get one for yourself, if you want?"
I know most people don't understand my relationship with Morgan - there are times when it confuses even me; but I also know that she's always been privileged, and really just doesn't know any better. I don't mind helping her whenever I can, particularly when it just means making a quick run down the stairs to grab her a bottle of water. Dad had always taught me to be kind to others.
"Yeah sure, just let me finish folding some of these clothes, and then I have to message Lance to tell him that I'm ready."
It was easy to separate the clean clothes from the dirty ones because Morgan always threw them to different sides of her incredibly large room. I guess it was one way of organizing clothes, albeit not the most efficient.
"Why don't you just tell him to stay for a visit? This last month I've barely even caught a glimpse of him, it almost feels as if he's hiding from me."
I see the little smirk on Morgan's face, but just assume she's being her usual playful self. She's really that type of girl to make it seem as if nothing bothers her, yet deep down I know it does. Especially after everything with her parents, and the way they'd basically abandoned her. That was the one thing Morgan and I shared more than anything, our feelings of inadequacy from our birth parents.
She was right though. Lance did seem to be avoiding Morgan like the plague, and I can't help but feel as if the two have gotten into a spat they don't want to tell me about.
Although, Lance has been acting differently even when it doesn't concern Morgan. He calls more often, spends as much time with me as I'll allow, and astonishingly refuses to partake in anything intimate. The first two weren't too much of a surprise when they'd started happening more frequently - Lance was just that kind of boyfriend - but the last had actually shocked me into embarrassment. There I'd been practically offering myself on a bedded platter and he'd just said he thought we should take things slow for now. Well, what if I didn't want to take things slow anymore?
"Don't take it personally Morgs, he's been acting really odd recently. Don't have the foggiest why, but I'm sure he'll blurt it out eventually. He can never keep secrets hidden for very long. Remember how quickly he told me about the surprise party you he and Gwaine were planning for my birthday last year?"
I can't help but giggle at the memory. One day I'm really going to have to teach him how to keep a secret for longer than six days if I ever plan on being surprised in the future.
"Yeah, I'm sure sooner or later whatever secret he's trying to hide from you will come out with a bang."
I give an unsure smile in her direction, and then quickly move to get my mobile. I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone if they'd asked, but Morgan's smile was sending a heavy chill down my spine. It just looked so malicious.
Ready to go, can you come round now?
It didn't take more than a minute before he responded with a yeah be there soon. I put my mobile back down on one of Morgan's dressers, and decide now is as good a time as any to get her water. Gwaine's place isn't too far from the Pendragon Manor, and I'm sure that's where Lance is now.
As I make my way down the large spiraling staircase and into the oversized kitchen, I instantly let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
Nowadays I feel bad admitting that I'm relieved to get any excuse to leave Morgan's presence. She's been making me feel uncomfortable around her for just about as long as Lance has been distant, and for a while I've been wondering what's really going on with the two of them? I'm not oblivious - as much as I sometimes pretend to be when I'm around them - I know something's happened, but I just don't know what?
I open the large stainless steel fridge and grab the bottle. I quickly contemplate taking one home with me, but simply shake away the thought and close the door. I've already gone to the market for the week, and paid all the bills so there'll be plenty of water from the pipe when I get home.
I nearly drop the bottle when I feel something make contact with my shoulder. It's the weekend so the housekeepers and kitchen staff have the day off.
Slowly I turn to the perpetrator with the water raised ready for attack and see Arthur standing there uncertainly looking between me and the bottle, and I can't help but laugh. Sometimes he truly is too adorable for words.
Instantly forgetting my problems with Morgan and Lance, I smile at Arthur and embrace him. The hug lasts much longer than it should, but neither of us moves to stop it. Arthur's body is warm and soothing, and at the moment it's exactly what I've been craving. He's always had a way of making me feel better, even without having to say anything at all.
Eventually I'm able to pull away from him, and I mentally scold myself for missing the feel of his body on mine. Arthur's practically Morgan's younger brother, and besides I'm with Lance; I have to stop thinking about him as anything other than a mate. Not to mention that I'm nothing but an orphan, and his father would probably have me assassinated if anything romantic ever happened between us. All these feelings I've been ignoring will just have to remain dormant. I've been able to go years without having anyone realize Arthur isn't the only one that's harbouring a crush, because really that's all it is. A meaningless crush that I've been feeling since the moment I met him.
"Guinevere, I'm sorry I scared you. I was just…I saw you bent over and I thought…Shit no, that came out wrong, I didn't think THAT."
My eyes widen in amusement at Arthur's nervousness, thank God I'm better at hiding my feelings than he is. Otherwise we'd just be stumbling over our words each time we're in the same room, which would definitely cause some suspicion in our mates.
"Well of course I wasn't thinking about you bent over…Well I was, but…Fuck, what I meant to say was that I wasn't staring at your arse. It was just there in front of me so you know I saw it but…"
"Arthur"
Over the years I've discovered that the best way to stop Arthur's nervous ramblings is to draw his attention away from his jumbled thoughts and onto myself. As long as I always have a soft smile on my face he usually starts to relax. Though, sometimes he's just so cute that I can't help but let him stew a little longer.
"Shit I'm doing it again"
"Yes you are"
We laugh lightly amongst ourselves, and I find myself unconsciously moving closer towards him. I notice that Arthur's breathing becomes more erratic when I do, but to save him the embarrassment I pretend as if I haven't.
I'm not going to snog him or anything, although I do think about what it would be like to kiss Arthur now that we're more experienced. It's hard to explain my feelings when it comes to Arthur and Lance. I love Lance, he's absolutely wonderful, but Arthur's…Arthur. I've just always had this connection with him that I can't put to words.
"I just, I don't want to say the wrong thing to you. Plus, I'm shit with words so everything I say comes out crap anyway. Ugh, you must think I'm a bloody mess."
I don't know why, but my hand instinctively moves to his face and starts caressing his cheek. Immediately they tint a bright red, and he gaps at me in bewilderment. Again I pretend as if I haven't noticed the effect I have on him, and continue to stroke his heated face. I haven't really been alone with Arthur for more than five minutes since we were children, either Merlin, Gwaine, Morgan, or Lance is with us too.
"Anyone can say nice things if they try hard enough Arthur, it's your actions that show people what kind of person you are."
His breathing is rapidly increasing again, and I think mine is too. My face flushes once I remember our close proximity to one another, and the way his eyes keep glancing down to my lips. I know I'm in dangerous territory. Moreover, despite what I may lead others to believe, I already know I care about Arthur more than I should.
"You Arthur Pendragon are one of the finest men I know, and you've always been like that. Sure you can be arrogant at times…"
We both smile at the various memories of Arthur acting like a spoilt brat. I'm also very aware that his head is now slowly inching closer to mine, yet for some reason I don't move away.
"But you're such a good person just the way you are. You don't need to be anyone else and please don't ever let anyone make you believe that you need to be. If you did you wouldn't be the Arthur that I…"
His lips are soft on mine, and the kiss is so gentle I think he's afraid he'll frighten me off; as if legging it has even crossed my mind. The last time we snogged was at his eleventh birthday party, and it had been somewhat similar to this one - very naive and sweet. I cup his face with both hands and deepen the kiss, I want passion not innocence.
He groans into my mouth when my tongue begins wrestling with his. His hands are creeping underneath the hem of my jumper, and I moan at the feeling of his hands on my skin. Lance has always made me excited, but Arthur's turning me into a madwoman.
I know that I shouldn't be snogging Arthur when I have a boyfriend, but at the moment I can't force myself to care. I need Arthur, and strangely enough even my love for Lance isn't making me want to stop touching him.
"GWEN, WHERE'S MY WATER?"
That did it. At the sound of Morgan's voice I rip my lips from Arthur's, and put some much needed space between us. My hands are shaking, and my lips are still tingling from the feel of him. What have I done? Oh my God I'm such a horrible person. I just cheated on my boyfriend with my best mate's little brother.
Slowly I look into his heavy lidded eyes, and tremble at the sight of all his emotions flickering in front of me like a film. His hair and jumper are disheveled, but I don't remember touching either. His breathing seems to be as labored as my own, and his lips are now pouty and swollen. I look at him and am reminded of how badly I've screwed up, but more than anything I'm reminded of how much I still desire him. I just want to drag him to his room so we can finish what we started. Why did Arthur have to grow up to be so damn fit?
"What are you her servant?"
I know Arthur's giving me an out. His eyes won't meet mine anymore, and I know that if I go along with his plan I'm going to hurt him desperately. I also know that the false smile on his face is for my benefit as much as his own; anything to hide the extent of his feelings after what just happened between us. I want to hold him and tell him everything's okay, that I do care for him and always have. That kissing him had awoken feelings in me that not even Lance had ever produced. Instead I bend down and pick up the bottle I dropped during our heated exchange, before practically running out of the kitchen.
I'm not supposed to have feelings for anyone but Lance. Lance and I are perfect for each other. His family was really close to my Dad even before he won a lot of money off the lotto, and even with him gone they still check up on me. Lance is the right decision. He knows me better than anyone else, and even though everyone left me, I know Lance never will. He'll always be there for me, and right now that's what I need - stability; Arthur can't give me that. The two of us are from different worlds, just lusting after each other, that's what it is. I don't really care for him the way I think I do, I can't.
"Gwen, Lance is on your mobile."
I run up the stairs, and away from the reminder of what I just shared with Arthur. I can be happy with Lance…No I am happy with Lance.
As I make my way into Morgan's room I see her smiling while on the phone, a black polished finger on her lips telling me to stay quiet. I nod uneasily when I notice it's my mobile she's on, and uncertainly move closer to her when she beckons me forward.
"That's not very nice Lance, perhaps if you don't change your tone I'll accidentally let something slip."
She quickly places the phone onto my ear, and I almost recoil at the look she gives me. I've only ever seen that look on her face when she'd keyed Sophia Staff's car because she started dating Alan Varr, some bloke Morgan had been interested in at the time.
"If you open your fucking mouth to Gwen and tell her we had sex, I promise I will make your life a living hell you. Is that understood Morgan?"
"You what?"
This can't be happening. Lance and Morgan wouldn't…Why would they ever? Was it still happening? My boyfriend and my best mate, well at least I thought she was my best mate. Morgan looks as if Christmas has come early, and she's gotten exactly what she wants. I'm so furious I can't stop myself from slapping her right across her smug face. After everything we've been through together, everything I've done for her, she does this to me?
"Gwen? Gwen, is that you? Love it's not what you think, you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt y…"
I drop the call because the sound of his voice is only making me angrier. I don't care what excuses either of them have.
I knew after what had just happened with Arthur that I shouldn't have been so angry, but I planned on telling Lance the truth as soon as I saw him, and he'd been keeping his fuck session with Morgan a secret for over a month. It must have been for as long as he'd been acting strangely, it was the only logical explanation.
Morgan didn't seem to mind that I'd struck her, but what really pissed me off was her gloating smile. How could she be so happy about hurting me like this? I thought she was my best mate.
With my mobile still clutched tightly in my hand I storm out of Morgan's room. I don't know where I'm going; I just know I need to get away from her. I make it to the front doors, but don't actually turn the cool brass handles. I just anxiously tilt my head so it's resting on the heavy wooden frame. Lance is probably outside waiting for me, and I can't stay in here with Morgan so close. I'm stuck and have nowhere to go.
I kick and punch the doors until my legs hurt and my knuckles are raw. The two people I've always thought I can count on have betrayed me in the worst way possible. The only thing that could possibly make this any worse is if Lance tells me he loves Morgan, or Morgan says she's pregnant.
"Guinevere, what in God's name are you doing to yourself?"
No Arthur, please not now. I'm too emotionally drained to be reminded of my feelings for you. This is all so fucked up. The day I find out my boyfriends been shagging my ex-best mate, is the same day I snog my ex-best mate's younger brother. This was all just turning into an awful episode of Coronation Street.
He pried my hands from the doorknobs and lifts them to his eyes. I'm ashamed that even after how I've treated him Arthur's still being kind to me. I'm not worthy of his kindness.
Ugh, I'm such a hypocrite. I know Lance doesn't love Morgan, and whatever happened between them was just lust, but as much as I try to convince myself that I don't love Arthur, deep down I know the truth. The way my heart jumps in my chest at his touch is evidence enough.
"It's nothing for you to concern yourself with Arthur."
He places both my hands into his left hand before wiping my tears with his right. I didn't even realize I've been crying. His hand's rough, but his fingers move so gently across my skin that it brings more tears to my eyes. I don't deserve him, but God do I want him.
"Oh Guinevere, if only it were really that simple. I can't bear to see you cry and do nothing but watch; especially when you're usually so good at hiding your emotions. The only time I've ever seen you cry was at your father's funeral."
He lifts my chin so that all I can do is gaze into his captivating blues eyes; even when I struggle to avoid looking at him, he keeps my chin rooted to the spot. No one has ever looked at me the way Arthur is now, and for the first time since I was twelve years old I feel self-conscious in front of him.
"Now Guinevere I need you to tell me exactly what happened?"
I watch him as if I'm looking at a different person. This is the Arthur that I've always known he could be. The one Merlin would always tease me about never getting to see, because that Arthur was allergic to me. I've always known that beneath his nerves lies a strong man. He's overcome so much, and even under the influence of his father has succeeded in becoming a good person who cares about others.
"Lance shagged Morgan"
"He what?"
I cry even more at the possibility of what that could mean. Did Lance not find me attractive anymore? Was I even pretty to begin with? Maybe he didn't really love me as much as he always said he did? Without Lance and Morgan did anyone love me anymore?
"What a fucking nob. I knew he was an idiot, but even I didn't know he was that much of a fucking idiot. Morgan's such a bitch, but why the hell would she hurt you of all people? You're the only one in the world that can stand her presence for more than ten seconds. I mean really what were they even thin…I'm sorry Guinevere, that was insensitive of me."
"No, it's just I don't understand how any of this happened. I thought they lov…"
My voice broke on the word loved, no one loves me. Without Lance and Morgan I'm now truly on my own. I just wish I knew why they'd had sex? Although I don't think knowing why they did it will make me feel any better.
"They betrayed me and then lied about it for weeks. I just…I just want to go home, but I know he's out there and I can't face him right now."
I wipe at my tears furiously, hating that I'm acting so emotionally. After spending years crying over parents that had chucked me out of their car, and left me at the entrance of a hospital when I was six; I promised myself that I would only cry for people that were worthy of them, and Lance and Morgan certainly don't deserve my tears.
"Alright then let's go. Do you have everything with you?"
I look at him as if he's gone mad. What's he going on about? Where exactly are we going?
"Go where?"
Arthur chuckles at my cluelessness, and I can't help but tug my lips up in a small smile. His happiness is contagious, but I really don't know why he seems to be in such good spirits.
"I'm taking you home. I'm not as small and scrawny as I used to be. I'll protect you from Lance and his amazing stupidity. It'll be just like when we were younger and I was your knight in shining armor."
I don't know how he managed to do it, but I found the sound of my tears slowly being replaced with genuine laughter.
"Even though Merlin always said you were such a prat that you acted more like a spoilt King than a dashing knight."
"Well what does Merlin know; he always played the coward huddled in the corner."
"He was secretly a warlock sworn to protect us from the evil witch. He gave himself the role."
"I don't remember him having magic?"
I giggled at the confused pout now gracing Arthur's face. How did he make me feel this way?
"Hence the secret part, we weren't really supposed to know, but I'm a little more observant than you are. How else could we have possibly defeated an evil witch on our own without magic of some kind on our side? Merlin was always a hero, you just never noticed."
Arthur's expression became somewhat pained, and forgetting my own issues I went to reach for him, but faltered as he released his hold on me. I don't know what I'd said that could have caused such a reaction.
"I always thought he was just being a coward, and all that time… Morgan never really was playing a role when she was an evil witch."
My smile faltered at the memory of Morgan playing with the three of us; well before games became too childish for her.
"I'm sorry, I was just…I shouldn't have said anything."
"I left my purse and coat by the dresser near the tele. The purse is black and the coats…"
"Lavender I know. I'll just go get them then."
I gave him a brief nod before he ran up the stairs to Morgan's room. I heard a few harsh curses being yelled between the two, but tried my best to ignore them. This entire situation felt so awkward. I never thought I'd ever be in this position.
A couple minutes later Arthur's jogging back down the stairs with my purse in his hand and my coat draped over his arm. He tries to remove the scowl from his face before he reaches me, but fails miserably.
"Shall we?"
I quickly put on my coat and shoes, as Arthur does the same. I try to steady my breathing before walking out the door behind him, but nothing's really working. The cold air feels nice on my face, and somewhat helps to relax my muscles. Though, I'm still quite tense about seeing Lance right now. Even though he hurt me I still love him.
Briefly I catch a glimpse of him get out of his car and start walking towards me so I move a little closer to Arthur.
"Gwen. Love, I'm so sorry. I know that means fuck all to you right now, but I need you to know that I love you more than anything, and never meant to hurt you."
My heart thuds in my chest as Lance continues moving towards us. I can't be around him right now my feelings are too all over the place. When he spoke it made me angry and sad, but more unexpectedly it was making me want to forgive him. I know whatever happened with Morgan had been her doing, but it hurt that Lance had given in so easily to temptation. If he truly loves me doesn't that mean he wouldn't have slept with Morgan?
"Why don't you leave her alone right now? It's not easy finding out that the two people you trust most in the world have betrayed you. As strong as Guinevere is I think it best you give her some time alone."
I stop behind Arthur when he starts calmly speaking to Lance. I can't see his face but from what I can feel emanating from his body heat he's furious.
"YOU THINK? Who the hell are you in any of this Pendragon? You must really think I'm too bloody daft to know what you're trying to do."
"No, I know you're stupid. Anyone who would give up Guinevere for a night with that she devil is out of their fucking mind."
I remain behind Arthur contemplating whether or not I should do something to stop what is sure to turn into a fight.
"Look you don't know what happened…"
"No you look. If you really love her you'll leave her alone, and give her some space. You and I both know that you and Morgan are the only people that Gwen thinks she has right now. After everything she's been through with people coming in and out of her life, she never thought that would happen with you two."
I stare into the back of his head in wonder. He's basically voicing my inner thoughts and feelings without even having to ask me directly. Somehow he just knows.
"She loves you"
I can hear the pain in his voice, and shudder at the sadness it fills me with. How could I possibly care about both these men so much?
"…but you being here right now isn't helping her. She needs time to think about whether or not she can ever truly forgive you for what you've done."
I rub soothing circles on Arthur's back, hoping to help calm the nerves I start to hear enter his voice; while also wiping a few tears from my eyes.
"Alright, I'll give her some time, but I'm not giving up. I love you Gwen, and I know I've said it so much already, but I truly am sorry."
I don't move from behind Arthur, but I can hear the defeat in Lance's voice. I do feel bad about ignoring him the way I am, but I can't bring myself to face him yet.
The engine from Lance's car is the last thing I hear before Arthur takes my hand and leads me to his red Lamborghini. The man really does love the colour red.
"I know you've heard it enough already today, but I'm sorry all of this is happening to you Guinevere. You don't deserve any of this."
He doesn't wait for a response as he closes the door and walks around to the driver's seat, and honestly I don't have one.
The drive to my house is quiet, the only sound coming from the loud music blaring from the car stereo. There are a few times during the ride when I'll turn to him with a horrible excuse for a conversation on the tip of my tongue, but at the sight of his hard jaw set in a straight line and his hands nearly strangling the steering wheel, I decide to keep my mouth shut.
Now we're sitting awkwardly in front of my small house unsure of what to say, well at least I am. Thank you didn't seem like enough after everything he's done for me today. I was feeling so alone, and he helped me remember that I'm not.
"Thank you Arthur, for everything. You didn't have to, especially after I just legged it out of the kitchen like that."
I put my head down and away from his face when I see his ears going red. I don't want him to feel embarrassed.
"Without you I don't know what would have happened after I'd found out. You reminded me that I haven't lost everyone…yet."
"STOP IT"
I jump at the sudden increase in his voice. Arthur has never raised his voice to me ever, and we've known each other for years.
"Stop letting Morgan and Lance make you feel like you're shit."
My breath caught in my throat, how could he possibly know how I'm feeling?
"Yes, I saw it all over your face when we were talking earlier. Morgan's a conniving bitch. Lance is an idiot who doesn't really know how to treat someone he loves. Eli's a wanker for not maintaining contact with you after Tom died. But most of all your parents are fools for giving up the best thing that they've ever done in their miserable lives."
By this point I'm starting to feel light headed, and am reminding myself that I still need to breath. Arthur is literally taking my breath away.
"None of them deserve your love after the way they treated you, and if you do decide to give Lance another go. I need you to promise me that you're doing it for the right reasons."
I don't know exactly what he means by that, but all of a sudden I feel too exposed to ask him anything. Arthur's reading me so easily that it's making me feel very vulnerable in front of him.
"No matter what happens I'm always going to be there for you Guinevere, even if it's only as one of your mates."
"Arthur I…"
I'm so tongue tied I can't even put to words how I feel at this very moment. What have I done to be worthy of Arthur Pendragon's love?
"I don't want you to say anything Guinevere. I said all that because it's true, not because I want anything from you. I hope…no I need you to know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is ring me and I'll be there."
We stare at each other for quite a while after that, and there's even a moment when I think he's going to kiss me, but he quickly turns his head away to look out the window.
"Thank you again Arthur. You truly have grown into an amazing man."
I smile at him, but he doesn't turn back towards me so I get up and leave the car without another word.
Once I make it to the door I can hear his car backing onto the road, but I force myself not to watch him leave. I need to be strong. I'm used to being alone. Maybe I deserve to be alone? No, no Arthur's right, I can't keep basing my self-worth off of negative people in my life. Sometimes people are going to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. Sometimes you'll also be lucky enough to meet good people who want to be in your life.
Nervously I pull my mobile out of my coat pocket and dial. When it goes to his voice mail, I leave a message and then start making dinner - hopefully for two.
Hey, I'm just about to make some food, was wondering if maybe you wanted to pop round and join me for dinner?
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 3b: Guinevere II
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: T
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lance, Morgan (allusions to Merlin, Tom, and Eli or Elyan)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN's not mine, just the grammatical errors.
Summary: How will Gwen cope when she discovers that the two closest to her have betrayed her?
Author's notes: This is the first part of Guinevere. Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this so I apologize in advance for any errors.
Guinevere
Morgan's room is messy, which isn't really anything new. She never lets the maids clean it no matter how many times they ask. I'm not the type to initiate an argument, so I usually keep my mouth shut about her rather disgusting hygiene habits; anything to avoid her sharp tongue. Don't get me wrong I love her to death, but I'm well aware of how stubborn she is. Morgan's still my mate - at times not always the best mate, but she was the first person to approach me with friendship when I was sent to live with Dad and Eli. Back then things had been hard, and she'd always been there for me.
As Morgan continues painting her nails I start picking up a few empty crisp bags and beer bottles, and with a heavy sigh put them in her bin. I hate myself for being such a stickler for cleanliness but I can't help it. Dad had always been a hard working parent who kept late hours, and Eli was much more interested in going out than doing housework. I was the one who stayed at home so that when they both eventually found their way through the door, the washing was folded and their food was waiting. I guess I'd also hoped that if they saw me as useful they wouldn't give me back to the orphanage.
"Gwen, could you be a darling and get me a drink from the kitchen? Just a bottle of water would be wonderful. Feel free to get one for yourself, if you want?"
I know most people don't understand my relationship with Morgan - there are times when it confuses even me; but I also know that she's always been privileged, and really just doesn't know any better. I don't mind helping her whenever I can, particularly when it just means making a quick run down the stairs to grab her a bottle of water. Dad had always taught me to be kind to others.
"Yeah sure, just let me finish folding some of these clothes, and then I have to message Lance to tell him that I'm ready."
It was easy to separate the clean clothes from the dirty ones because Morgan always threw them to different sides of her incredibly large room. I guess it was one way of organizing clothes, albeit not the most efficient.
"Why don't you just tell him to stay for a visit? This last month I've barely even caught a glimpse of him, it almost feels as if he's hiding from me."
I see the little smirk on Morgan's face, but just assume she's being her usual playful self. She's really that type of girl to make it seem as if nothing bothers her, yet deep down I know it does. Especially after everything with her parents, and the way they'd basically abandoned her. That was the one thing Morgan and I shared more than anything, our feelings of inadequacy from our birth parents.
She was right though. Lance did seem to be avoiding Morgan like the plague, and I can't help but feel as if the two have gotten into a spat they don't want to tell me about.
Although, Lance has been acting differently even when it doesn't concern Morgan. He calls more often, spends as much time with me as I'll allow, and astonishingly refuses to partake in anything intimate. The first two weren't too much of a surprise when they'd started happening more frequently - Lance was just that kind of boyfriend - but the last had actually shocked me into embarrassment. There I'd been practically offering myself on a bedded platter and he'd just said he thought we should take things slow for now. Well, what if I didn't want to take things slow anymore?
"Don't take it personally Morgs, he's been acting really odd recently. Don't have the foggiest why, but I'm sure he'll blurt it out eventually. He can never keep secrets hidden for very long. Remember how quickly he told me about the surprise party you he and Gwaine were planning for my birthday last year?"
I can't help but giggle at the memory. One day I'm really going to have to teach him how to keep a secret for longer than six days if I ever plan on being surprised in the future.
"Yeah, I'm sure sooner or later whatever secret he's trying to hide from you will come out with a bang."
I give an unsure smile in her direction, and then quickly move to get my mobile. I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone if they'd asked, but Morgan's smile was sending a heavy chill down my spine. It just looked so malicious.
Ready to go, can you come round now?
It didn't take more than a minute before he responded with a yeah be there soon. I put my mobile back down on one of Morgan's dressers, and decide now is as good a time as any to get her water. Gwaine's place isn't too far from the Pendragon Manor, and I'm sure that's where Lance is now.
As I make my way down the large spiraling staircase and into the oversized kitchen, I instantly let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
Nowadays I feel bad admitting that I'm relieved to get any excuse to leave Morgan's presence. She's been making me feel uncomfortable around her for just about as long as Lance has been distant, and for a while I've been wondering what's really going on with the two of them? I'm not oblivious - as much as I sometimes pretend to be when I'm around them - I know something's happened, but I just don't know what?
I open the large stainless steel fridge and grab the bottle. I quickly contemplate taking one home with me, but simply shake away the thought and close the door. I've already gone to the market for the week, and paid all the bills so there'll be plenty of water from the pipe when I get home.
I nearly drop the bottle when I feel something make contact with my shoulder. It's the weekend so the housekeepers and kitchen staff have the day off.
Slowly I turn to the perpetrator with the water raised ready for attack and see Arthur standing there uncertainly looking between me and the bottle, and I can't help but laugh. Sometimes he truly is too adorable for words.
Instantly forgetting my problems with Morgan and Lance, I smile at Arthur and embrace him. The hug lasts much longer than it should, but neither of us moves to stop it. Arthur's body is warm and soothing, and at the moment it's exactly what I've been craving. He's always had a way of making me feel better, even without having to say anything at all.
Eventually I'm able to pull away from him, and I mentally scold myself for missing the feel of his body on mine. Arthur's practically Morgan's younger brother, and besides I'm with Lance; I have to stop thinking about him as anything other than a mate. Not to mention that I'm nothing but an orphan, and his father would probably have me assassinated if anything romantic ever happened between us. All these feelings I've been ignoring will just have to remain dormant. I've been able to go years without having anyone realize Arthur isn't the only one that's harbouring a crush, because really that's all it is. A meaningless crush that I've been feeling since the moment I met him.
"Guinevere, I'm sorry I scared you. I was just…I saw you bent over and I thought…Shit no, that came out wrong, I didn't think THAT."
My eyes widen in amusement at Arthur's nervousness, thank God I'm better at hiding my feelings than he is. Otherwise we'd just be stumbling over our words each time we're in the same room, which would definitely cause some suspicion in our mates.
"Well of course I wasn't thinking about you bent over…Well I was, but…Fuck, what I meant to say was that I wasn't staring at your arse. It was just there in front of me so you know I saw it but…"
"Arthur"
Over the years I've discovered that the best way to stop Arthur's nervous ramblings is to draw his attention away from his jumbled thoughts and onto myself. As long as I always have a soft smile on my face he usually starts to relax. Though, sometimes he's just so cute that I can't help but let him stew a little longer.
"Shit I'm doing it again"
"Yes you are"
We laugh lightly amongst ourselves, and I find myself unconsciously moving closer towards him. I notice that Arthur's breathing becomes more erratic when I do, but to save him the embarrassment I pretend as if I haven't.
I'm not going to snog him or anything, although I do think about what it would be like to kiss Arthur now that we're more experienced. It's hard to explain my feelings when it comes to Arthur and Lance. I love Lance, he's absolutely wonderful, but Arthur's…Arthur. I've just always had this connection with him that I can't put to words.
"I just, I don't want to say the wrong thing to you. Plus, I'm shit with words so everything I say comes out crap anyway. Ugh, you must think I'm a bloody mess."
I don't know why, but my hand instinctively moves to his face and starts caressing his cheek. Immediately they tint a bright red, and he gaps at me in bewilderment. Again I pretend as if I haven't noticed the effect I have on him, and continue to stroke his heated face. I haven't really been alone with Arthur for more than five minutes since we were children, either Merlin, Gwaine, Morgan, or Lance is with us too.
"Anyone can say nice things if they try hard enough Arthur, it's your actions that show people what kind of person you are."
His breathing is rapidly increasing again, and I think mine is too. My face flushes once I remember our close proximity to one another, and the way his eyes keep glancing down to my lips. I know I'm in dangerous territory. Moreover, despite what I may lead others to believe, I already know I care about Arthur more than I should.
"You Arthur Pendragon are one of the finest men I know, and you've always been like that. Sure you can be arrogant at times…"
We both smile at the various memories of Arthur acting like a spoilt brat. I'm also very aware that his head is now slowly inching closer to mine, yet for some reason I don't move away.
"But you're such a good person just the way you are. You don't need to be anyone else and please don't ever let anyone make you believe that you need to be. If you did you wouldn't be the Arthur that I…"
His lips are soft on mine, and the kiss is so gentle I think he's afraid he'll frighten me off; as if legging it has even crossed my mind. The last time we snogged was at his eleventh birthday party, and it had been somewhat similar to this one - very naive and sweet. I cup his face with both hands and deepen the kiss, I want passion not innocence.
He groans into my mouth when my tongue begins wrestling with his. His hands are creeping underneath the hem of my jumper, and I moan at the feeling of his hands on my skin. Lance has always made me excited, but Arthur's turning me into a madwoman.
I know that I shouldn't be snogging Arthur when I have a boyfriend, but at the moment I can't force myself to care. I need Arthur, and strangely enough even my love for Lance isn't making me want to stop touching him.
"GWEN, WHERE'S MY WATER?"
That did it. At the sound of Morgan's voice I rip my lips from Arthur's, and put some much needed space between us. My hands are shaking, and my lips are still tingling from the feel of him. What have I done? Oh my God I'm such a horrible person. I just cheated on my boyfriend with my best mate's little brother.
Slowly I look into his heavy lidded eyes, and tremble at the sight of all his emotions flickering in front of me like a film. His hair and jumper are disheveled, but I don't remember touching either. His breathing seems to be as labored as my own, and his lips are now pouty and swollen. I look at him and am reminded of how badly I've screwed up, but more than anything I'm reminded of how much I still desire him. I just want to drag him to his room so we can finish what we started. Why did Arthur have to grow up to be so damn fit?
"What are you her servant?"
I know Arthur's giving me an out. His eyes won't meet mine anymore, and I know that if I go along with his plan I'm going to hurt him desperately. I also know that the false smile on his face is for my benefit as much as his own; anything to hide the extent of his feelings after what just happened between us. I want to hold him and tell him everything's okay, that I do care for him and always have. That kissing him had awoken feelings in me that not even Lance had ever produced. Instead I bend down and pick up the bottle I dropped during our heated exchange, before practically running out of the kitchen.
I'm not supposed to have feelings for anyone but Lance. Lance and I are perfect for each other. His family was really close to my Dad even before he won a lot of money off the lotto, and even with him gone they still check up on me. Lance is the right decision. He knows me better than anyone else, and even though everyone left me, I know Lance never will. He'll always be there for me, and right now that's what I need - stability; Arthur can't give me that. The two of us are from different worlds, just lusting after each other, that's what it is. I don't really care for him the way I think I do, I can't.
"Gwen, Lance is on your mobile."
I run up the stairs, and away from the reminder of what I just shared with Arthur. I can be happy with Lance…No I am happy with Lance.
As I make my way into Morgan's room I see her smiling while on the phone, a black polished finger on her lips telling me to stay quiet. I nod uneasily when I notice it's my mobile she's on, and uncertainly move closer to her when she beckons me forward.
"That's not very nice Lance, perhaps if you don't change your tone I'll accidentally let something slip."
She quickly places the phone onto my ear, and I almost recoil at the look she gives me. I've only ever seen that look on her face when she'd keyed Sophia Staff's car because she started dating Alan Varr, some bloke Morgan had been interested in at the time.
"If you open your fucking mouth to Gwen and tell her we had sex, I promise I will make your life a living hell you. Is that understood Morgan?"
"You what?"
This can't be happening. Lance and Morgan wouldn't…Why would they ever? Was it still happening? My boyfriend and my best mate, well at least I thought she was my best mate. Morgan looks as if Christmas has come early, and she's gotten exactly what she wants. I'm so furious I can't stop myself from slapping her right across her smug face. After everything we've been through together, everything I've done for her, she does this to me?
"Gwen? Gwen, is that you? Love it's not what you think, you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt y…"
I drop the call because the sound of his voice is only making me angrier. I don't care what excuses either of them have.
I knew after what had just happened with Arthur that I shouldn't have been so angry, but I planned on telling Lance the truth as soon as I saw him, and he'd been keeping his fuck session with Morgan a secret for over a month. It must have been for as long as he'd been acting strangely, it was the only logical explanation.
Morgan didn't seem to mind that I'd struck her, but what really pissed me off was her gloating smile. How could she be so happy about hurting me like this? I thought she was my best mate.
With my mobile still clutched tightly in my hand I storm out of Morgan's room. I don't know where I'm going; I just know I need to get away from her. I make it to the front doors, but don't actually turn the cool brass handles. I just anxiously tilt my head so it's resting on the heavy wooden frame. Lance is probably outside waiting for me, and I can't stay in here with Morgan so close. I'm stuck and have nowhere to go.
I kick and punch the doors until my legs hurt and my knuckles are raw. The two people I've always thought I can count on have betrayed me in the worst way possible. The only thing that could possibly make this any worse is if Lance tells me he loves Morgan, or Morgan says she's pregnant.
"Guinevere, what in God's name are you doing to yourself?"
No Arthur, please not now. I'm too emotionally drained to be reminded of my feelings for you. This is all so fucked up. The day I find out my boyfriends been shagging my ex-best mate, is the same day I snog my ex-best mate's younger brother. This was all just turning into an awful episode of Coronation Street.
He pried my hands from the doorknobs and lifts them to his eyes. I'm ashamed that even after how I've treated him Arthur's still being kind to me. I'm not worthy of his kindness.
Ugh, I'm such a hypocrite. I know Lance doesn't love Morgan, and whatever happened between them was just lust, but as much as I try to convince myself that I don't love Arthur, deep down I know the truth. The way my heart jumps in my chest at his touch is evidence enough.
"It's nothing for you to concern yourself with Arthur."
He places both my hands into his left hand before wiping my tears with his right. I didn't even realize I've been crying. His hand's rough, but his fingers move so gently across my skin that it brings more tears to my eyes. I don't deserve him, but God do I want him.
"Oh Guinevere, if only it were really that simple. I can't bear to see you cry and do nothing but watch; especially when you're usually so good at hiding your emotions. The only time I've ever seen you cry was at your father's funeral."
He lifts my chin so that all I can do is gaze into his captivating blues eyes; even when I struggle to avoid looking at him, he keeps my chin rooted to the spot. No one has ever looked at me the way Arthur is now, and for the first time since I was twelve years old I feel self-conscious in front of him.
"Now Guinevere I need you to tell me exactly what happened?"
I watch him as if I'm looking at a different person. This is the Arthur that I've always known he could be. The one Merlin would always tease me about never getting to see, because that Arthur was allergic to me. I've always known that beneath his nerves lies a strong man. He's overcome so much, and even under the influence of his father has succeeded in becoming a good person who cares about others.
"Lance shagged Morgan"
"He what?"
I cry even more at the possibility of what that could mean. Did Lance not find me attractive anymore? Was I even pretty to begin with? Maybe he didn't really love me as much as he always said he did? Without Lance and Morgan did anyone love me anymore?
"What a fucking nob. I knew he was an idiot, but even I didn't know he was that much of a fucking idiot. Morgan's such a bitch, but why the hell would she hurt you of all people? You're the only one in the world that can stand her presence for more than ten seconds. I mean really what were they even thin…I'm sorry Guinevere, that was insensitive of me."
"No, it's just I don't understand how any of this happened. I thought they lov…"
My voice broke on the word loved, no one loves me. Without Lance and Morgan I'm now truly on my own. I just wish I knew why they'd had sex? Although I don't think knowing why they did it will make me feel any better.
"They betrayed me and then lied about it for weeks. I just…I just want to go home, but I know he's out there and I can't face him right now."
I wipe at my tears furiously, hating that I'm acting so emotionally. After spending years crying over parents that had chucked me out of their car, and left me at the entrance of a hospital when I was six; I promised myself that I would only cry for people that were worthy of them, and Lance and Morgan certainly don't deserve my tears.
"Alright then let's go. Do you have everything with you?"
I look at him as if he's gone mad. What's he going on about? Where exactly are we going?
"Go where?"
Arthur chuckles at my cluelessness, and I can't help but tug my lips up in a small smile. His happiness is contagious, but I really don't know why he seems to be in such good spirits.
"I'm taking you home. I'm not as small and scrawny as I used to be. I'll protect you from Lance and his amazing stupidity. It'll be just like when we were younger and I was your knight in shining armor."
I don't know how he managed to do it, but I found the sound of my tears slowly being replaced with genuine laughter.
"Even though Merlin always said you were such a prat that you acted more like a spoilt King than a dashing knight."
"Well what does Merlin know; he always played the coward huddled in the corner."
"He was secretly a warlock sworn to protect us from the evil witch. He gave himself the role."
"I don't remember him having magic?"
I giggled at the confused pout now gracing Arthur's face. How did he make me feel this way?
"Hence the secret part, we weren't really supposed to know, but I'm a little more observant than you are. How else could we have possibly defeated an evil witch on our own without magic of some kind on our side? Merlin was always a hero, you just never noticed."
Arthur's expression became somewhat pained, and forgetting my own issues I went to reach for him, but faltered as he released his hold on me. I don't know what I'd said that could have caused such a reaction.
"I always thought he was just being a coward, and all that time… Morgan never really was playing a role when she was an evil witch."
My smile faltered at the memory of Morgan playing with the three of us; well before games became too childish for her.
"I'm sorry, I was just…I shouldn't have said anything."
"I left my purse and coat by the dresser near the tele. The purse is black and the coats…"
"Lavender I know. I'll just go get them then."
I gave him a brief nod before he ran up the stairs to Morgan's room. I heard a few harsh curses being yelled between the two, but tried my best to ignore them. This entire situation felt so awkward. I never thought I'd ever be in this position.
A couple minutes later Arthur's jogging back down the stairs with my purse in his hand and my coat draped over his arm. He tries to remove the scowl from his face before he reaches me, but fails miserably.
"Shall we?"
I quickly put on my coat and shoes, as Arthur does the same. I try to steady my breathing before walking out the door behind him, but nothing's really working. The cold air feels nice on my face, and somewhat helps to relax my muscles. Though, I'm still quite tense about seeing Lance right now. Even though he hurt me I still love him.
Briefly I catch a glimpse of him get out of his car and start walking towards me so I move a little closer to Arthur.
"Gwen. Love, I'm so sorry. I know that means fuck all to you right now, but I need you to know that I love you more than anything, and never meant to hurt you."
My heart thuds in my chest as Lance continues moving towards us. I can't be around him right now my feelings are too all over the place. When he spoke it made me angry and sad, but more unexpectedly it was making me want to forgive him. I know whatever happened with Morgan had been her doing, but it hurt that Lance had given in so easily to temptation. If he truly loves me doesn't that mean he wouldn't have slept with Morgan?
"Why don't you leave her alone right now? It's not easy finding out that the two people you trust most in the world have betrayed you. As strong as Guinevere is I think it best you give her some time alone."
I stop behind Arthur when he starts calmly speaking to Lance. I can't see his face but from what I can feel emanating from his body heat he's furious.
"YOU THINK? Who the hell are you in any of this Pendragon? You must really think I'm too bloody daft to know what you're trying to do."
"No, I know you're stupid. Anyone who would give up Guinevere for a night with that she devil is out of their fucking mind."
I remain behind Arthur contemplating whether or not I should do something to stop what is sure to turn into a fight.
"Look you don't know what happened…"
"No you look. If you really love her you'll leave her alone, and give her some space. You and I both know that you and Morgan are the only people that Gwen thinks she has right now. After everything she's been through with people coming in and out of her life, she never thought that would happen with you two."
I stare into the back of his head in wonder. He's basically voicing my inner thoughts and feelings without even having to ask me directly. Somehow he just knows.
"She loves you"
I can hear the pain in his voice, and shudder at the sadness it fills me with. How could I possibly care about both these men so much?
"…but you being here right now isn't helping her. She needs time to think about whether or not she can ever truly forgive you for what you've done."
I rub soothing circles on Arthur's back, hoping to help calm the nerves I start to hear enter his voice; while also wiping a few tears from my eyes.
"Alright, I'll give her some time, but I'm not giving up. I love you Gwen, and I know I've said it so much already, but I truly am sorry."
I don't move from behind Arthur, but I can hear the defeat in Lance's voice. I do feel bad about ignoring him the way I am, but I can't bring myself to face him yet.
The engine from Lance's car is the last thing I hear before Arthur takes my hand and leads me to his red Lamborghini. The man really does love the colour red.
"I know you've heard it enough already today, but I'm sorry all of this is happening to you Guinevere. You don't deserve any of this."
He doesn't wait for a response as he closes the door and walks around to the driver's seat, and honestly I don't have one.
The drive to my house is quiet, the only sound coming from the loud music blaring from the car stereo. There are a few times during the ride when I'll turn to him with a horrible excuse for a conversation on the tip of my tongue, but at the sight of his hard jaw set in a straight line and his hands nearly strangling the steering wheel, I decide to keep my mouth shut.
Now we're sitting awkwardly in front of my small house unsure of what to say, well at least I am. Thank you didn't seem like enough after everything he's done for me today. I was feeling so alone, and he helped me remember that I'm not.
"Thank you Arthur, for everything. You didn't have to, especially after I just legged it out of the kitchen like that."
I put my head down and away from his face when I see his ears going red. I don't want him to feel embarrassed.
"Without you I don't know what would have happened after I'd found out. You reminded me that I haven't lost everyone…yet."
"STOP IT"
I jump at the sudden increase in his voice. Arthur has never raised his voice to me ever, and we've known each other for years.
"Stop letting Morgan and Lance make you feel like you're shit."
My breath caught in my throat, how could he possibly know how I'm feeling?
"Yes, I saw it all over your face when we were talking earlier. Morgan's a conniving bitch. Lance is an idiot who doesn't really know how to treat someone he loves. Eli's a wanker for not maintaining contact with you after Tom died. But most of all your parents are fools for giving up the best thing that they've ever done in their miserable lives."
By this point I'm starting to feel light headed, and am reminding myself that I still need to breath. Arthur is literally taking my breath away.
"None of them deserve your love after the way they treated you, and if you do decide to give Lance another go. I need you to promise me that you're doing it for the right reasons."
I don't know exactly what he means by that, but all of a sudden I feel too exposed to ask him anything. Arthur's reading me so easily that it's making me feel very vulnerable in front of him.
"No matter what happens I'm always going to be there for you Guinevere, even if it's only as one of your mates."
"Arthur I…"
I'm so tongue tied I can't even put to words how I feel at this very moment. What have I done to be worthy of Arthur Pendragon's love?
"I don't want you to say anything Guinevere. I said all that because it's true, not because I want anything from you. I hope…no I need you to know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is ring me and I'll be there."
We stare at each other for quite a while after that, and there's even a moment when I think he's going to kiss me, but he quickly turns his head away to look out the window.
"Thank you again Arthur. You truly have grown into an amazing man."
I smile at him, but he doesn't turn back towards me so I get up and leave the car without another word.
Once I make it to the door I can hear his car backing onto the road, but I force myself not to watch him leave. I need to be strong. I'm used to being alone. Maybe I deserve to be alone? No, no Arthur's right, I can't keep basing my self-worth off of negative people in my life. Sometimes people are going to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. Sometimes you'll also be lucky enough to meet good people who want to be in your life.
Nervously I pull my mobile out of my coat pocket and dial. When it goes to his voice mail, I leave a message and then start making dinner - hopefully for two.
Hey, I'm just about to make some food, was wondering if maybe you wanted to pop round and join me for dinner?
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is chapter 3b: Guinevere II