summary of Voyage of the Damned
THE TITANIC: CRUNCH.
DOCTOR: What? *windwindwind*
TARDIS: *GETS BETTER*
ONE MILLION FANS: So what did that look like from the outside, then?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Go away.
...
CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC: Everything's peaceful, as if something disastrous was about to happen.
MIDSHIPMAN LUGHOLE: Didn't we just collide with a TARDIS?
CAPTAIN: Shut up. I have a blatant guilty conscience to mull over.
...
DOCTOR: Well, just jettisoned another human female, better check out the totty.
KYLIE: I'm a waitress who dreams of a big sky, whatever that is.
DOCTOR: Aren't you a little old to be a waitress?
KYLIE: Shush, I'm an evergreen pop nymph or something.
...
ROBOT ANGEL: Information. I will irritate the shit out of the viewers by saying Information before I say anything else. Information. Repetetive phrases are what SF is all about.
DOCTOR: Bugger, I thought you were going to be Axons. We mentioned them all over the place in Last of the Time Lords you know.
ROBOT ANGEL: Information. I am now going to convey that something sinister is going on by talking in a funny speeded up voice, because that's what robots do when they SQUEEFLARGLE
...
CAPTAIN: I'm going to drop the shields but I clearly feel bad about it.
MIDSHIPMAN LUGHOLE: My endearing sense of duty won't let you do that, sir.
CAPTAIN: Then I shall shoot you, which will give you a mild stomach cramp sufficient to prevent you from stopping me, but not actually kill you or anything. And by the way I feel bad about it.
*BANG*
...
DOCTOR: Oh god. I'm in a disaster movie. Better wheel on the stock characters.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: I small and spiky. I give make up department something to do.
FOON AND MORVIN VAN HOFF: We're totally interracial, totally fat and totally working class. The Doctor likes us. We're obviously toast.
RICKSTON SLADE: I'm clearly shallow, snobbish and corrupt but I will subvert your expectations by surviving to the end, just to show the Doctor can't choose who he saves.
MR COPPER: I'm basically rehashing the 'this was known as an I Pod' routine from End of the World, over and over again.
...
BERNARD CRIBBINS: I was in the movie you know. I fought the Daleks for your sort.
DOCTOR: Where is everyone?
BERNARD: Scared there's going to be more aliens. Russell's attempting to maintain continuity with the last two Christmases, see.
DOCTOR: Oh, fine. Just so long as everyone decides not to believe in aliens any more by the time Torchwood Season Two starts.
KYLIE: Wow, the Earth is smelly and awesome! And I am somehow amazed by concrete, despite already knowing what it is!
...
METEORS: *KATHOOM*
CAPTAIN: Here's the disaster you ordered. Here's some hastily jotted waffle to explain why I'm doing it, as if anyone cares. Here's a convenient bulkhead to squash me flat now I've served my one-dimensional narrative purpose.
BULKHEAD: *SQUISH*
GUESTS: *PANIC*
...
DOCTOR: Ooh, it's that corridor with the pipes again. I love this corridor.
STEWARD: See how clownish my faffing is. How disproportionate my earnest corporate response is to the disaster we are clearly engaged on. See what an ironic counterpoint it makes. Allow me to further express my regret for the inconvenience by being sucked abruptly out of the ship.
RICKSTON SLADE: Ha ha, twat.
KYLIE: Boo hoo, u r meen.
DOCTOR: I just realised I'm standing in a long corridor with all flames behind me so I'm going to give a speech about how cool I am. Do you have a problem with that?
THE DOCTOR: *EMOTES AMID FIRE AND DEBRIS*
SIX MILLION WET-SEATED FANGIRLS: *squee*
DOCTOR: By the way, I totally mentioned Kasterborous.
SIX MILLION WET-SEATED FANBOYS: *squee*
...
FOON VAN HOFF: Check me out, I'm Shelly Winters in the Poseidon Adventure.
MORVIN VAN HOFF: Yay, so am I.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Right then, I'm... a member of an oppressed minority of some sort AND a handy plot device.
KYLIE: I support your oppressed minority cyborg rights! Aren't I sympathetic?
ROBOT ANGEL: Is it can be killings tiem nao plees?
THE AUDIENCE: Please Jesus yes.
...
THE CAST: *DIE*
THE MILL: *OMGWTFSFX*
THE ROBOTS OF DEATH: *WE <3 THE 80s*
MIDSHIPMAN LUGHOLE: *TOTALLY DOES AN ADRIC*
...
ROBOTS OF DEATH: Kill the Doctor! Kill!
THE DOCTOR: Can I just bullshit my way through this with a total deus ex machina?
ROBOTS: Sure, whatever.
...
THE DOCTOR: Oh look, a nutjob in a wheeled chassis. Never faced one of THOSE before.
MAX CAPRICORN: I may, or may not be, foreshadowing Davros in Season 4.
THE DOCTOR: Sure, whatever.
KYLIE: GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU BITCH!
KYLIE: *TOTALLY DOES A GANDALF*
THE DOCTOR: *EMOTES AMID FIRE AND DEBRIS*
...
THE DOCTOR: flies vertically up a lift shaft flanked by two golden angels with their fists upraised and I am NOT EVEN MAKING THIS SHIT UP. WTF RUSTY?
THE QUEEN: Ai am being comedic. It is very James Bond and thus very Christmassy.
THE FANS: Oh for fuck's sake.
...
GHOST KYLIE: *is all forlorn and sad*
THE DOCTOR: *EMOTES AMID FIRE AND DEBRIS*
GHOST KYLIE: *enters Absinthe fairy mode and flies through window*
THE BUDGET: Thank FUCK for that.
THE DOCTOR: Hey ho, lost another one. I'd better go and find a companion I don't want to shag.
DONNA: Am I bovvered? Time lord? Shag? Bovvered?
THE END