fic // TVXQ // Our Little Princess #7
Title: Our Little Princess
Author: catachrestical
Keywords: Bandfic; hints of JaeHo and YooSu; some original characters.
Rating: PG13 for few language mishaps.
Disclaimer: Do not own, did not happen.
Notes: The boys found themselves having to take care of two orphan kids.
First version beta'd by janeberryblue; current version re-beta'd by bel_chan ♥
Thanks for reading :)
*
→ previous: #1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6
Our Little Princess
Chapter 7: Fix You.
"And the tears come streaming down your face-
When you lose something you can't replace."
- Coldplay, Fix You.
"Nii-san?"
There was a chorus of 'Yes?'s and 'Hm?'s as four heads turned in response-(she refused to call YooChun 'nii-san' because he refused to stop calling her 'little monster')-and then they looked at each other.
"You know, Kane," JunSu started, tapping his lips with the edge of the sports magazine he was reading, "It'd be easier if you use our names. Maybe with an 'Oppa' at the end."
"Like JunSu-Oppa?" Kane tilted her head and looked at him curiously.
"Yes! Oppa is like... 'nii-san'. It's how younger girls address older boys in Korean."
"But then it's not diffewent fwom 'JunSu nii-san'."
"Well, um..." JunSu pondered for an answer, failed, and looked at the other members, who were watching them with great interest.
"Oppa is... shorter?" ChangMin suggested. "See, 'nii-san' is three syllables. 'Oppa' only has two." Oh, yes, his quick wit was much adored.
"Hm..." A little frown appeared on Kane's forehead as she tried to come up with a reply. It wasn't that she minded calling them 'oppa'-she just loved winning an argument.
YooChun scoffed.
Kane narrowed her eyes, and that was what made her choose in the end.
"'Kay then," she said lightly and sauntered out of the living room, unaware of the blank, half-sad looks following her leave. Junsu watched as YunHo returned to his newspaper with a sigh, JaeJoong returned to flipping TV channels, and ChangMin returned to playing with Akira. YooChun had never looked up from his iPod in the first place.
The blonde singer looked at the cover of the sports magazine in his lap. It was a picture of the Korean World Cup team, crisp and impeccable in all their glory, but shapes and smiling faces blurred into splotches of red and green as his thoughts drifted away.
They ended up not being able to pick out a family for the children. This one was too rich, that one too poor; this one couldn't speak Japanese, that one couldn't speak English (ChangMin argued stubbornly that the kids could speak Japanese and English and it was just fair to look for a family who could fluently speak both-and Korean to facilitate them-and the others agreed with him without any question despite the absurdity of it). Oh, this one was their absolute favorite defense: all of the candidate families lived too far away.
So YunHo talked to their manager and asked him to reschedule their Japan activities. JunSu didn't know what other excuses leader-hyung gave their manager. It worked though (they decided not to use the 'unsuitable candidates' defense because any idiot would've been able to see that they just didn't want to part with the children).
JunSu also didn't know what manager-hyung (bless his soul) said to Lee Soo I-Own-The-Universe-And-Much-More Man sunsaengnim in the room of doom, but Lee Sunsaengnim agreed on letting the children stay until they were absolutely sure that the Arisugawas were dead.
Then, they had to say goodbye to the children.
Which was good enough, JunSu thought with a grimace. Last night, he asked Kane if she wanted to live with them; Kane had said no.
"Why?" he had asked-confusion and surprise mixing with an unexpected pang of sadness.
Kane had taken her time to think.
"'Cause that means Kane will nevew see Mommy and Daddy again." She had refused to look at JunSu when she said that-and just like that, JunSu understood.
Of course they both knew that the chance of her seeing her parents again was next to nothing, but not admitting that was her own childish way of coping with it. Agreeing to live with the boys-or any other family for that matter-meant closing the lid. Sealing her fate. It meant accepting that her parents were dead, forever, and maybe she just wasn't ready for it.
JunSu could relate, he guessed. All of them could. Everyone did it-pretending-like Kane pretending that her parents might still be alive; him pretending that the band could last forever; wishing time could stand still, that they didn't have to grow up and out of this phase.
People said you shouldn't cling to empty hope but sometimes... sometimes it was the only thing that kept you going.
Like clinging to this hope that they could keep Kane with them as long as possible.
*
[ YunHo // Two hours and seventy three camera flashes later ]
Of course, I told myself tiredly for the tenth time in the past hour, of course everything came with a price-sometimes equal, cheap if you were lucky, but most of the time just too damn expensive. I understood that we had to give a valid reason for our sudden hiatus in Japan, which was the main reason this press conference was held, but I couldn't figure out why we had to bring Kane and Akira.
Clearing up misunderstandings, our manager said (quoted verbatim from Lee Soo The-World-Revolves-Around-Me Man sunsaengnim himself), good for your image: charitable, loving, responsible Korean men.
"Does this have anything to do with JaeJoong-sshi's DUI Suspension in Japan?" Oh, wonderful, another stubborn, ignorant reporter asked the same question for the fifth time. JaeJoong had been silent for almost ten minutes now, Min was positively growling, and YooChun had a blank expression on his face. Even JunSu, the sunshine boy, couldn't muster a smile worth crap.
I resisted the urge to groan and forced a polite smile on my face.
"No," I said again, dammit but it was hard to be patient. "Again, this has nothing to do with JaeJoong's suspension. We merely had another unexpected matter come up. Actually-" I cut off before he had the chance to ask anything else, "we were about to tell you about it."
The room quieted down and I took a deep breath-well, moment of truth.
"Two children have come to our care due to unexpected circumstances." Even before I finished that last syllable, the noise level went from three to three thousand decibels, and cameras started clicking and flashing their blinding lights again. I mean, what. I never understood this crazy obsession of snapping pictures of our every waking moment. It wasn't like we looked any different from ten minutes ago. Them, however, they just had to push that button every five seconds like their life depended on it.
At least it diverted the attention away from JaeJoong.
"They're from Japan." I raised my voice, attempting to answer a question thrown by a reporter and bring down the noise level at the same time.
"How did they come to live with you?"
"How long will they stay with you?"
"Who are their parents?"
"We don't know how long they will stay with us yet," I replied again, answering the second question, thinking about the first one, ignoring the last one. No one should ever get that private-besides, I was certain that these vultures would be able to dig Kane and Akira's information in an hour or two.
"Their parents were close friends of ours. They were declared missing during an archaeological expedition. We were the appointed legal guardians for the children and they will stay with us until their parents are found."
People started shouting again, several hands shot up, one woman stood up. I reflexively cued her to speak, willing to do anything just to stop the noise. The woman reporter held a freshly switched-off cell phone in one hand, a microphone in the other, and she looked almost breathless with excitement. I immediately regretted my decision.
"I'm from Japan! Is-is Japanese okay with you?"
"Of course, go ahead." I shrugged. Since this conference was about our Japanese activity, I suppose it made sense to have reporters from Japan.
"I'm just wondering whether you will adopt those children, because we just received news that they found the bodies of-"
"Shut up!"
I was as surprised as everyone else at JunSu's outburst-he was just never known to lose his temper in public (not even in front of us)-but only for a short while. First, because the Japanese woman wouldn't stop talking ("...bodies of Satoru and Julia Arisugawa...") and second because YooChun also stood up, knocking his chair back with a loud crash.
"That's enough!" He shouted. Everything went stock still for a second-and that was when I heard it: the sound of cotton hitting concrete floor; but Kane wasn't there. There was only her Hello Kitty plushie.
Oh fu-.
"Kane-chan!" JaeJoong stood up, breaking into a run. YooChun was already jumping over the table in his haste, following JunSu, running towards their end of the stage exit. Everyone went nuts. There were shouts and questions and the cameras were going rampant. It was a disaster.
And for the first time in my life, I really didn't give a damn. I jumped over the table myself-it was faster than wading through four chairs in a narrow way-and turned to ChangMin right before I vanished behind the stage exit.
"I'll meet you in the dressing room. Leave this to me!" ChangMin shouted before he turned to the reporters and gave them a look that stopped them on their tracks. Funny-I was the leader, but people were most scared of crossing the youngest member when he had that dark look in his face. It worked to our advantage, however, and I gave him a last nod before running after JaeJoong.
"Did you guys see her?" I caught up with JaeJoong, JunSu, and YooChun right in the middle of the building lobby. We had to move fast-soon reporters would come in swarms and looking for Kane would be impossible.
They shook their heads. I swallowed a curse.
"All right. Possible places-JunSu, go."
"Restroom."
"Any of the conference rooms," YooChun continued blankly. Oh yeah. Dammit. This building was practically a haystack for our needle.
"Outside-Oh, God, what if she's outside?" JaeJoong was going frantic. "This place is in the middle of a street. What if she got-"
"No, she's not gonna get anything." Or at least I hope so. "Check the park. Scale every possible hiding place. YooChun, search all restrooms and unlocked rooms from ninth floor up. JunSu, start from sixth floor. I'll do the rest. If you see media people lurking around..."
"Punch them?" JunSu provided helpfully-or not so helpfully.
"I wish. Just make sure they don't find her first." I didn't wait for an answer. "Go."
*
[ ChangMin // Twenty seconds and a stunned crowd later ]
The crowd had started to move towards the exit-tripping over each other in their haste; I didn't need much time to figure out that they were going to hunt Kane down. There wasn't much time, so I acted on instinct, grabbing the nearest microphone.
"Close the doors!" I shouted to the security guards near the exit. They turned to me, a little confused, and I shouted again-this time more sternly: "Close the goddamn doors! No one is leaving this room until we find Kaneko!"
"You have no right to hold us back here!" The Japanese reporter-the ignorant one-demanded. She was right, though, and I knew it. I knew we didn't have much time. I could only hold them in here for so long; hyung-deul had better get cracking on finding Kane-chan.
I jogged to the nearest stage exit where our manager was waiting and scooped Akira from his arms. If they thought I was going to leave him with them, they were severely misinformed.
"I need you to buy us time," I told manager-hyung, already making my way out of the conference room. "Say anything. Spread some rumors, you know, girls-or something. Just don't tell them we're gay or doing drugs."
Although I would bet my dinner that some of us possibly-just were.
(Gay, not doing drugs).
*
[ YooChun // One hour and Twenty Two rooms later ]
Twelfth floor, twenty-second room, unsurprisingly empty.
"Done sweeping floor twelve. She's not here," I started typing into my cell phone (I figured it'd be more effective to send three messages in one go than call them one by one) before I caught sight of another stairway... leading to the roof. It was a small, dark, barely noticeable stairway in the corner of the area. The kind of stairway people would easily bypass and miss.
Oh. God. Dammit. I typed in the three-worded curse, minus spaces, and added, "THERE'S A ROOF. Checking now." before hitting 'Send'.
Oh, well. Twenty-third time's a charm.
I dragged my feet up the narrow stairway, not really knowing whether I wanted the door at the end to be locked or not. I could rest for a while if it were locked; on the other hand... Kaneko might be behind that door.
I turned the knob and called her name softly.
No answer.
I strained my ears, but I couldn't hear any telltale sign of her presence. Swallowing an unexpected lump of disappointment, I turned around and was about to walk away when my eyes caught sight of a shadow behind the stairway railings.
Please, please let it be Kane.
I felt myself sagging with relief when I saw Kane curled up on the floor, half-hidden by the railing separating the stairway and the roof floor. She was asleep. I sat down beside her, leaning against metal, and fished out my cell phone.
"Found her." My fingers were actually trembling. "Roof." Send.
A gust of cold wind blew and Kane hugged herself tighter, shivering in her sleep. Bringing her in might be a good idea. I quickly took off my jacket-and as I was wrapping it around her, I noticed her puffy eyes and tear-streaked face.
...
I didn't want to admit it, but I felt like someone just punched my gut. This was the first time I'd seen her cry-and seeing a child cry is never ever pleasant. She stirred as I picked her up in my arms and looked disoriented for a second.
"Whe' we goin'?" she asked groggily.
"Home." I opened the door and held it open with one leg as we slipped in.
"Kane don' wan' home."
"Well, tough."
"Kane wan' mommy."
Ouch. The door slammed shut and I stood still on top of the staircase, lost in Kaneko's simple, stab-in-the-heart request. Before I knew anything, she started wriggling and I had to put her down.
I sat down in front of her, trapping her between my knees to prevent further attempts of running away and holding her hands firmly in mine.
"Mommy won't be here for a very, very long time," I started gently. She kept her face down and refused to look at me. She looked... somewhat like the first night I met her, actually, when YunHo-hyung told her about the letter. I just hoped she was as strong as I thought she was that night. I prayed.
"Longer than you thought-years." Still, strength was no excuse for me not to tell the truth she needed cope with.
"Kane know," she whispered, obviously holding back tears.
"You know," I drawled, "now would be the perfect time to cry; I'm sure Oppa-deul will be here, soon."
"Yew'l my Oppa, too."
Aigoo. Now I want to cry.
"Yeah..." I cleared my throat. "Yeah, but I'm the worst Oppa. So if you can cry in front of me now, crying in front of them will be a piece of cake, right?"
She didn't say anything for a little more while before shaking came-but still no sound; nothing.
I sighed and pulled her into a hug.
"Don't worry," I whispered again, my voice cracking on its own. "I'm not going to laugh. Listen-crying doesn't make you any less tough." Believe me, I know.
Then the wailing came. She wrapped her little arms around my neck in a death grip and cried louder than I'd heard any kid cry in my whole life. It was messy, immature, and positively violent, but I knew she needed it.
The footsteps came later, three sets of them, and out of the corner of my eyes I saw JunSu, YunHo, and JaeJoong squished at the bottom of the stairwell, trying to catch their breaths. They must've run from wherever they were after I sent that message earlier.
I forced a smile.
"It's okay." I motioned to the tears (if the words were soundless, it wasn't because I didn't try. My throat was too damn closed up). "It's just-stuff. We're okay." I said again as if that would make it true. I recognized a flicker of recognition in their eyes. Pretense-we talked about this before, didn't we-about the band and not growing up and maybe about crying too. Everybody pretends.
JunSu took a tentative step forward.
Then, he decided to not ask for permission and approached us anyway, his arms closing in around me and her. He was crying-but damn it felt good to lean and not just being leaned on.
(It is okay, his eyes told me as I rested my forehead on Kane's little shoulder, trying to stop the shaking.
Everybody pretends.)
Later on when I transferred Kane to YunHo's arms (she didn't refuse being carried around this time), leader-hyung poked her on the cheek and said with a serious, no-nonsense tone:
"That was the stupidest thing you've done ever since you got here."
That was before JaeJoong wrapped them in a half-glomp bearhug.
"We were worried," he said, "When he says stupid-it means he was so worried."
"I so was not," YunHo mumbled, half-heartedly.
"Was too."
"Was not."
I started laughing.
*
[ Lights will guide you home ]
They reconvened with ChangMin and a sleeping Akira at the dressing room afterwards. ChangMin took one look at Kane, passed Akira to one of his band-mates, and hugged the little girl long and tight.
"Don't do that again," he whispered quietly. "Please."
Kane had promised.
[ And ignite your bones ]
"Su-Oppa?"
"Hm?"
"Do you think thew'l white daisies in heav...-whe'eve' mommy and daddy awl wight now?"
Pause. "I'm not sure." JunSu got up from his chair and sat down beside Kane on the floor of the little balcony. Kane was sitting with her legs stretched and her eyes squinted up to the night sky, her expression calm and unreadable.
Sometimes Kane looked and sounded much too mature for her real age. Those were the times JunSu felt lost at how to deal with her. He wondered if the others felt the same.
"Why?" he asked, following her gaze. Was she looking for stars or white daisies?
"Mommy love white daisies," Kane said quietly. "I hope thewl's heaven."
There-the feeling of being lost again. JunSu exhaled slowly and looked at his hands. He was not as good as the others when it came down to kids, he didn't have YunHo's instincts, JaeJoong's maturity, YooChun's (devilish and somewhat cruel) charm, or ChangMin's ease. He had no experience whatsoever.
Just a speck of determination to not let down these kids they came to love so much-and at the same time not to lie to them.
"Do you go to church, Kane?"
Kane shook her head. "Daddy took Kane to many places, but he said Kane shouldn't believe what Kane don't believe." She paused for a second, pondering. "Kane haven't decided yet."
JunSu fell silent. Kane's parents really were a special kind of parents. Obviously. What else did they teach her-sex education?
He laced his fingers together. Of course, he reminded himself, he mustn't forget that Kane was a special kind of child, too.
"I don't know," he said, trying to be careful with his words and at the same time not finding enough time to think. "But someone told me once that heaven is not a place. It's a situation... where you find yourself most happy in." He smiled to himself. "So if your mom is happy, most likely she'll have white daisies wherever she is too."
Kane stilled for a second before nodding, now looking every inch like the lost little girl she was.
"Besides," YooChun suddenly said from behind them. Kane looked up, expecting a mean joke. "If there's no heaven, then where else would your mom and dad be right now?"
[ I will try to fix you. ]
"We made the front page." YunHo tossed the evening newspaper on the coffee table, right next to JaeJoong's bare feet, before slumping down onto the couch beside him. JaeJoong craned his neck, stole a glance, and piled his legs on top of the newspaper, his eyes returning to the TV screen.
"Oi!" ChangMin swatted JaeJoong's legs and pulled the paper. "I wanna know what's in there."
"Nothing we don't know already." YunHo sighed, leaning back, "Only with more soap than news."
"Check this out: 'Unusual display of aggressive behavior'-what are we, animals?" Hilarity overruled annoyance and ChangMin's laugh was genuine. "And manager-hyung is apparently a lousy liar." He couldn't keep the reporters in the room for more than ten minutes. The boys finding Kane before the reporters did was pure luck.
"What did the management say?" JaeJoong asked the question they dreaded asking.
"Nothing yet," YunHo replied with an equally expressionless tone. "They said they'll talk to us tomorrow."
An uneasy silence descended upon the room. They knew the odds, of course. Kane's parents were declared dead. It was just a matter of time before the kids were taken from them. YunHo suspected that Kane also knew about it.
"Hyung-" ChangMin started quietly. "I don't... I don't want to give them up."
And among other things, ChangMin's honesty was really something to be envied about.
"We'll figure something out." YunHo forced a smile. They had to. "Wanna let them know that they can sleep with us again tonight?"
"And listen to JunSu-hyung and YooChun-hyung bicker about who gets to sleep on the bed crack again?" ChangMin grinned as he stood up. "Yeah, absolutely."
When ChangMin had left for the balcony, JaeJoong switched off the TV and leaned to his side, resting his head on YunHo's shoulder without a word.
YunHo didn't say anything-he just laced his fingers with JaeJoong's, an empty smile on his face, knowing that they needed some sort of comfort and that they could lend it to each other.
Or try to, anyway.
*
(After a lot of futile protesting and useless reasoning, ChangMin ended up coerced into sleeping on the bed crack, between a smug YooChun and an apologetic JunSu).
*
Author: catachrestical
Keywords: Bandfic; hints of JaeHo and YooSu; some original characters.
Rating: PG13 for few language mishaps.
Disclaimer: Do not own, did not happen.
Notes: The boys found themselves having to take care of two orphan kids.
First version beta'd by janeberryblue; current version re-beta'd by bel_chan ♥
Thanks for reading :)
*
→ previous: #1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6
Our Little Princess
Chapter 7: Fix You.
"And the tears come streaming down your face-
When you lose something you can't replace."
- Coldplay, Fix You.
"Nii-san?"
There was a chorus of 'Yes?'s and 'Hm?'s as four heads turned in response-(she refused to call YooChun 'nii-san' because he refused to stop calling her 'little monster')-and then they looked at each other.
"You know, Kane," JunSu started, tapping his lips with the edge of the sports magazine he was reading, "It'd be easier if you use our names. Maybe with an 'Oppa' at the end."
"Like JunSu-Oppa?" Kane tilted her head and looked at him curiously.
"Yes! Oppa is like... 'nii-san'. It's how younger girls address older boys in Korean."
"But then it's not diffewent fwom 'JunSu nii-san'."
"Well, um..." JunSu pondered for an answer, failed, and looked at the other members, who were watching them with great interest.
"Oppa is... shorter?" ChangMin suggested. "See, 'nii-san' is three syllables. 'Oppa' only has two." Oh, yes, his quick wit was much adored.
"Hm..." A little frown appeared on Kane's forehead as she tried to come up with a reply. It wasn't that she minded calling them 'oppa'-she just loved winning an argument.
YooChun scoffed.
Kane narrowed her eyes, and that was what made her choose in the end.
"'Kay then," she said lightly and sauntered out of the living room, unaware of the blank, half-sad looks following her leave. Junsu watched as YunHo returned to his newspaper with a sigh, JaeJoong returned to flipping TV channels, and ChangMin returned to playing with Akira. YooChun had never looked up from his iPod in the first place.
The blonde singer looked at the cover of the sports magazine in his lap. It was a picture of the Korean World Cup team, crisp and impeccable in all their glory, but shapes and smiling faces blurred into splotches of red and green as his thoughts drifted away.
They ended up not being able to pick out a family for the children. This one was too rich, that one too poor; this one couldn't speak Japanese, that one couldn't speak English (ChangMin argued stubbornly that the kids could speak Japanese and English and it was just fair to look for a family who could fluently speak both-and Korean to facilitate them-and the others agreed with him without any question despite the absurdity of it). Oh, this one was their absolute favorite defense: all of the candidate families lived too far away.
So YunHo talked to their manager and asked him to reschedule their Japan activities. JunSu didn't know what other excuses leader-hyung gave their manager. It worked though (they decided not to use the 'unsuitable candidates' defense because any idiot would've been able to see that they just didn't want to part with the children).
JunSu also didn't know what manager-hyung (bless his soul) said to Lee Soo I-Own-The-Universe-And-Much-More Man sunsaengnim in the room of doom, but Lee Sunsaengnim agreed on letting the children stay until they were absolutely sure that the Arisugawas were dead.
Then, they had to say goodbye to the children.
Which was good enough, JunSu thought with a grimace. Last night, he asked Kane if she wanted to live with them; Kane had said no.
"Why?" he had asked-confusion and surprise mixing with an unexpected pang of sadness.
Kane had taken her time to think.
"'Cause that means Kane will nevew see Mommy and Daddy again." She had refused to look at JunSu when she said that-and just like that, JunSu understood.
Of course they both knew that the chance of her seeing her parents again was next to nothing, but not admitting that was her own childish way of coping with it. Agreeing to live with the boys-or any other family for that matter-meant closing the lid. Sealing her fate. It meant accepting that her parents were dead, forever, and maybe she just wasn't ready for it.
JunSu could relate, he guessed. All of them could. Everyone did it-pretending-like Kane pretending that her parents might still be alive; him pretending that the band could last forever; wishing time could stand still, that they didn't have to grow up and out of this phase.
People said you shouldn't cling to empty hope but sometimes... sometimes it was the only thing that kept you going.
Like clinging to this hope that they could keep Kane with them as long as possible.
*
[ YunHo // Two hours and seventy three camera flashes later ]
Of course, I told myself tiredly for the tenth time in the past hour, of course everything came with a price-sometimes equal, cheap if you were lucky, but most of the time just too damn expensive. I understood that we had to give a valid reason for our sudden hiatus in Japan, which was the main reason this press conference was held, but I couldn't figure out why we had to bring Kane and Akira.
Clearing up misunderstandings, our manager said (quoted verbatim from Lee Soo The-World-Revolves-Around-Me Man sunsaengnim himself), good for your image: charitable, loving, responsible Korean men.
"Does this have anything to do with JaeJoong-sshi's DUI Suspension in Japan?" Oh, wonderful, another stubborn, ignorant reporter asked the same question for the fifth time. JaeJoong had been silent for almost ten minutes now, Min was positively growling, and YooChun had a blank expression on his face. Even JunSu, the sunshine boy, couldn't muster a smile worth crap.
I resisted the urge to groan and forced a polite smile on my face.
"No," I said again, dammit but it was hard to be patient. "Again, this has nothing to do with JaeJoong's suspension. We merely had another unexpected matter come up. Actually-" I cut off before he had the chance to ask anything else, "we were about to tell you about it."
The room quieted down and I took a deep breath-well, moment of truth.
"Two children have come to our care due to unexpected circumstances." Even before I finished that last syllable, the noise level went from three to three thousand decibels, and cameras started clicking and flashing their blinding lights again. I mean, what. I never understood this crazy obsession of snapping pictures of our every waking moment. It wasn't like we looked any different from ten minutes ago. Them, however, they just had to push that button every five seconds like their life depended on it.
At least it diverted the attention away from JaeJoong.
"They're from Japan." I raised my voice, attempting to answer a question thrown by a reporter and bring down the noise level at the same time.
"How did they come to live with you?"
"How long will they stay with you?"
"Who are their parents?"
"We don't know how long they will stay with us yet," I replied again, answering the second question, thinking about the first one, ignoring the last one. No one should ever get that private-besides, I was certain that these vultures would be able to dig Kane and Akira's information in an hour or two.
"Their parents were close friends of ours. They were declared missing during an archaeological expedition. We were the appointed legal guardians for the children and they will stay with us until their parents are found."
People started shouting again, several hands shot up, one woman stood up. I reflexively cued her to speak, willing to do anything just to stop the noise. The woman reporter held a freshly switched-off cell phone in one hand, a microphone in the other, and she looked almost breathless with excitement. I immediately regretted my decision.
"I'm from Japan! Is-is Japanese okay with you?"
"Of course, go ahead." I shrugged. Since this conference was about our Japanese activity, I suppose it made sense to have reporters from Japan.
"I'm just wondering whether you will adopt those children, because we just received news that they found the bodies of-"
"Shut up!"
I was as surprised as everyone else at JunSu's outburst-he was just never known to lose his temper in public (not even in front of us)-but only for a short while. First, because the Japanese woman wouldn't stop talking ("...bodies of Satoru and Julia Arisugawa...") and second because YooChun also stood up, knocking his chair back with a loud crash.
"That's enough!" He shouted. Everything went stock still for a second-and that was when I heard it: the sound of cotton hitting concrete floor; but Kane wasn't there. There was only her Hello Kitty plushie.
Oh fu-.
"Kane-chan!" JaeJoong stood up, breaking into a run. YooChun was already jumping over the table in his haste, following JunSu, running towards their end of the stage exit. Everyone went nuts. There were shouts and questions and the cameras were going rampant. It was a disaster.
And for the first time in my life, I really didn't give a damn. I jumped over the table myself-it was faster than wading through four chairs in a narrow way-and turned to ChangMin right before I vanished behind the stage exit.
"I'll meet you in the dressing room. Leave this to me!" ChangMin shouted before he turned to the reporters and gave them a look that stopped them on their tracks. Funny-I was the leader, but people were most scared of crossing the youngest member when he had that dark look in his face. It worked to our advantage, however, and I gave him a last nod before running after JaeJoong.
"Did you guys see her?" I caught up with JaeJoong, JunSu, and YooChun right in the middle of the building lobby. We had to move fast-soon reporters would come in swarms and looking for Kane would be impossible.
They shook their heads. I swallowed a curse.
"All right. Possible places-JunSu, go."
"Restroom."
"Any of the conference rooms," YooChun continued blankly. Oh yeah. Dammit. This building was practically a haystack for our needle.
"Outside-Oh, God, what if she's outside?" JaeJoong was going frantic. "This place is in the middle of a street. What if she got-"
"No, she's not gonna get anything." Or at least I hope so. "Check the park. Scale every possible hiding place. YooChun, search all restrooms and unlocked rooms from ninth floor up. JunSu, start from sixth floor. I'll do the rest. If you see media people lurking around..."
"Punch them?" JunSu provided helpfully-or not so helpfully.
"I wish. Just make sure they don't find her first." I didn't wait for an answer. "Go."
*
[ ChangMin // Twenty seconds and a stunned crowd later ]
The crowd had started to move towards the exit-tripping over each other in their haste; I didn't need much time to figure out that they were going to hunt Kane down. There wasn't much time, so I acted on instinct, grabbing the nearest microphone.
"Close the doors!" I shouted to the security guards near the exit. They turned to me, a little confused, and I shouted again-this time more sternly: "Close the goddamn doors! No one is leaving this room until we find Kaneko!"
"You have no right to hold us back here!" The Japanese reporter-the ignorant one-demanded. She was right, though, and I knew it. I knew we didn't have much time. I could only hold them in here for so long; hyung-deul had better get cracking on finding Kane-chan.
I jogged to the nearest stage exit where our manager was waiting and scooped Akira from his arms. If they thought I was going to leave him with them, they were severely misinformed.
"I need you to buy us time," I told manager-hyung, already making my way out of the conference room. "Say anything. Spread some rumors, you know, girls-or something. Just don't tell them we're gay or doing drugs."
Although I would bet my dinner that some of us possibly-just were.
(Gay, not doing drugs).
*
[ YooChun // One hour and Twenty Two rooms later ]
Twelfth floor, twenty-second room, unsurprisingly empty.
"Done sweeping floor twelve. She's not here," I started typing into my cell phone (I figured it'd be more effective to send three messages in one go than call them one by one) before I caught sight of another stairway... leading to the roof. It was a small, dark, barely noticeable stairway in the corner of the area. The kind of stairway people would easily bypass and miss.
Oh. God. Dammit. I typed in the three-worded curse, minus spaces, and added, "THERE'S A ROOF. Checking now." before hitting 'Send'.
Oh, well. Twenty-third time's a charm.
I dragged my feet up the narrow stairway, not really knowing whether I wanted the door at the end to be locked or not. I could rest for a while if it were locked; on the other hand... Kaneko might be behind that door.
I turned the knob and called her name softly.
No answer.
I strained my ears, but I couldn't hear any telltale sign of her presence. Swallowing an unexpected lump of disappointment, I turned around and was about to walk away when my eyes caught sight of a shadow behind the stairway railings.
Please, please let it be Kane.
I felt myself sagging with relief when I saw Kane curled up on the floor, half-hidden by the railing separating the stairway and the roof floor. She was asleep. I sat down beside her, leaning against metal, and fished out my cell phone.
"Found her." My fingers were actually trembling. "Roof." Send.
A gust of cold wind blew and Kane hugged herself tighter, shivering in her sleep. Bringing her in might be a good idea. I quickly took off my jacket-and as I was wrapping it around her, I noticed her puffy eyes and tear-streaked face.
...
I didn't want to admit it, but I felt like someone just punched my gut. This was the first time I'd seen her cry-and seeing a child cry is never ever pleasant. She stirred as I picked her up in my arms and looked disoriented for a second.
"Whe' we goin'?" she asked groggily.
"Home." I opened the door and held it open with one leg as we slipped in.
"Kane don' wan' home."
"Well, tough."
"Kane wan' mommy."
Ouch. The door slammed shut and I stood still on top of the staircase, lost in Kaneko's simple, stab-in-the-heart request. Before I knew anything, she started wriggling and I had to put her down.
I sat down in front of her, trapping her between my knees to prevent further attempts of running away and holding her hands firmly in mine.
"Mommy won't be here for a very, very long time," I started gently. She kept her face down and refused to look at me. She looked... somewhat like the first night I met her, actually, when YunHo-hyung told her about the letter. I just hoped she was as strong as I thought she was that night. I prayed.
"Longer than you thought-years." Still, strength was no excuse for me not to tell the truth she needed cope with.
"Kane know," she whispered, obviously holding back tears.
"You know," I drawled, "now would be the perfect time to cry; I'm sure Oppa-deul will be here, soon."
"Yew'l my Oppa, too."
Aigoo. Now I want to cry.
"Yeah..." I cleared my throat. "Yeah, but I'm the worst Oppa. So if you can cry in front of me now, crying in front of them will be a piece of cake, right?"
She didn't say anything for a little more while before shaking came-but still no sound; nothing.
I sighed and pulled her into a hug.
"Don't worry," I whispered again, my voice cracking on its own. "I'm not going to laugh. Listen-crying doesn't make you any less tough." Believe me, I know.
Then the wailing came. She wrapped her little arms around my neck in a death grip and cried louder than I'd heard any kid cry in my whole life. It was messy, immature, and positively violent, but I knew she needed it.
The footsteps came later, three sets of them, and out of the corner of my eyes I saw JunSu, YunHo, and JaeJoong squished at the bottom of the stairwell, trying to catch their breaths. They must've run from wherever they were after I sent that message earlier.
I forced a smile.
"It's okay." I motioned to the tears (if the words were soundless, it wasn't because I didn't try. My throat was too damn closed up). "It's just-stuff. We're okay." I said again as if that would make it true. I recognized a flicker of recognition in their eyes. Pretense-we talked about this before, didn't we-about the band and not growing up and maybe about crying too. Everybody pretends.
JunSu took a tentative step forward.
Then, he decided to not ask for permission and approached us anyway, his arms closing in around me and her. He was crying-but damn it felt good to lean and not just being leaned on.
(It is okay, his eyes told me as I rested my forehead on Kane's little shoulder, trying to stop the shaking.
Everybody pretends.)
Later on when I transferred Kane to YunHo's arms (she didn't refuse being carried around this time), leader-hyung poked her on the cheek and said with a serious, no-nonsense tone:
"That was the stupidest thing you've done ever since you got here."
That was before JaeJoong wrapped them in a half-glomp bearhug.
"We were worried," he said, "When he says stupid-it means he was so worried."
"I so was not," YunHo mumbled, half-heartedly.
"Was too."
"Was not."
I started laughing.
*
[ Lights will guide you home ]
They reconvened with ChangMin and a sleeping Akira at the dressing room afterwards. ChangMin took one look at Kane, passed Akira to one of his band-mates, and hugged the little girl long and tight.
"Don't do that again," he whispered quietly. "Please."
Kane had promised.
[ And ignite your bones ]
"Su-Oppa?"
"Hm?"
"Do you think thew'l white daisies in heav...-whe'eve' mommy and daddy awl wight now?"
Pause. "I'm not sure." JunSu got up from his chair and sat down beside Kane on the floor of the little balcony. Kane was sitting with her legs stretched and her eyes squinted up to the night sky, her expression calm and unreadable.
Sometimes Kane looked and sounded much too mature for her real age. Those were the times JunSu felt lost at how to deal with her. He wondered if the others felt the same.
"Why?" he asked, following her gaze. Was she looking for stars or white daisies?
"Mommy love white daisies," Kane said quietly. "I hope thewl's heaven."
There-the feeling of being lost again. JunSu exhaled slowly and looked at his hands. He was not as good as the others when it came down to kids, he didn't have YunHo's instincts, JaeJoong's maturity, YooChun's (devilish and somewhat cruel) charm, or ChangMin's ease. He had no experience whatsoever.
Just a speck of determination to not let down these kids they came to love so much-and at the same time not to lie to them.
"Do you go to church, Kane?"
Kane shook her head. "Daddy took Kane to many places, but he said Kane shouldn't believe what Kane don't believe." She paused for a second, pondering. "Kane haven't decided yet."
JunSu fell silent. Kane's parents really were a special kind of parents. Obviously. What else did they teach her-sex education?
He laced his fingers together. Of course, he reminded himself, he mustn't forget that Kane was a special kind of child, too.
"I don't know," he said, trying to be careful with his words and at the same time not finding enough time to think. "But someone told me once that heaven is not a place. It's a situation... where you find yourself most happy in." He smiled to himself. "So if your mom is happy, most likely she'll have white daisies wherever she is too."
Kane stilled for a second before nodding, now looking every inch like the lost little girl she was.
"Besides," YooChun suddenly said from behind them. Kane looked up, expecting a mean joke. "If there's no heaven, then where else would your mom and dad be right now?"
[ I will try to fix you. ]
"We made the front page." YunHo tossed the evening newspaper on the coffee table, right next to JaeJoong's bare feet, before slumping down onto the couch beside him. JaeJoong craned his neck, stole a glance, and piled his legs on top of the newspaper, his eyes returning to the TV screen.
"Oi!" ChangMin swatted JaeJoong's legs and pulled the paper. "I wanna know what's in there."
"Nothing we don't know already." YunHo sighed, leaning back, "Only with more soap than news."
"Check this out: 'Unusual display of aggressive behavior'-what are we, animals?" Hilarity overruled annoyance and ChangMin's laugh was genuine. "And manager-hyung is apparently a lousy liar." He couldn't keep the reporters in the room for more than ten minutes. The boys finding Kane before the reporters did was pure luck.
"What did the management say?" JaeJoong asked the question they dreaded asking.
"Nothing yet," YunHo replied with an equally expressionless tone. "They said they'll talk to us tomorrow."
An uneasy silence descended upon the room. They knew the odds, of course. Kane's parents were declared dead. It was just a matter of time before the kids were taken from them. YunHo suspected that Kane also knew about it.
"Hyung-" ChangMin started quietly. "I don't... I don't want to give them up."
And among other things, ChangMin's honesty was really something to be envied about.
"We'll figure something out." YunHo forced a smile. They had to. "Wanna let them know that they can sleep with us again tonight?"
"And listen to JunSu-hyung and YooChun-hyung bicker about who gets to sleep on the bed crack again?" ChangMin grinned as he stood up. "Yeah, absolutely."
When ChangMin had left for the balcony, JaeJoong switched off the TV and leaned to his side, resting his head on YunHo's shoulder without a word.
YunHo didn't say anything-he just laced his fingers with JaeJoong's, an empty smile on his face, knowing that they needed some sort of comfort and that they could lend it to each other.
Or try to, anyway.
*
(After a lot of futile protesting and useless reasoning, ChangMin ended up coerced into sleeping on the bed crack, between a smug YooChun and an apologetic JunSu).
*