fic // TVXQ // Our Little Princess #8
Title: Our Little Princess
Author: catachrestical
Keywords: Bandfic; hints of JaeHo and YooSu; some original characters.
Rating: PG13 for few language mishaps.
Disclaimer: Do not own, did not happen.
Notes: The boys found themselves having to take care of two orphan kids.
First version beta'd by janeberryblue; current version re-beta'd by bel_chan ♥
Concrits appreciated, thanks for reading :)
→ previous: #1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6 | #7
*
Our Little Princess
Chapter 8: Gone.
"I can't relate, and that's the problem I'm feeling if you're gone,
maybe it's time to come home.
There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move."
- Matchbox 20, If You're Gone.
Young men,
You will learn that in this company, you do not act as freely as you wish to. That stunt you pulled at the latest press conference? You should count yourselves extremely lucky that your reputation did not suffer any more permanent damage; otherwise, I would have had to suspend the whole group. You think I wouldn’t do it?
You are wrong. I would.
You have to realize that society frowns upon what you have done. You may have different stories concerning this matter-I don't want to hear them. The bottom line is: society does not know your story. Society speculates. Society does not sympathize. Society does not care. Society is ruthless. Press are worse.
But you will learn that I am the worst.
Rules are made for a reason-and that is, not to be broken. I expect public apologies made to the press, the fans, and the management tomorrow morning.
As for the "matter of inconvenience," I will give you three days to arrange everything concerning the funeral and the adoption papers for the children. I expect no protest regarding this subject. Your plane for Japan leaves on Wednesday morning at ten am. Contact your manager for details.
Lee Soo Man.
*
[ YunHo // A restless night's sleep and a note later ]
The note felt heavy in my hand.
I stared in silence for a long, long time-reading and re-reading it, trying to find a loophole, some hidden way out of this death sentence.
It was short, simple, and straightforward; the finality in it felt like a ton of bricks weighing on my chest. The management had decided (they never asked our input) and it was known that changing their minds was next to impossible.
I rubbed my temple, exhaustion creeping in, and glanced at the bedroom. Everyone was still asleep, as normal people should at two thirty in the morning. I was here only because sleep kept failing me. I was worried - about everyone, but mostly about Kane-chan, Akira-chan, Minnie and Chunnie and Su-ah-and how they would handle this.
I had to tell them, but I really didn't know how.
There was a punch of pain in my stomach and I grimaced. It must be the stress. I looked up upon hearing a soft click from the direction of the bedroom. The grimace turned into a soft smile when I saw JaeJoong walking out, smoothing his hair and rubbing his eyes. He returned my smile.
"Why are you awake?" he asked, sitting down beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder, taking comfort from the warmth and solidity I found in him. I didn't know why or when exactly I started letting my guard down around JaeJoong-not that I didn't do that around the others; we were as close as family and probably more-but with JaeJoong it was different.
Weakness was not to be shown to everyone else - because they looked up to me as a leader and disappointing them was out of the question. They leaned on me as their rock; I loved them too much. It was as simple as that.
With JaeJoong, though, it was easier. With JaeJoong, I felt like I could be as honest as I wanted. Perhaps because he was older, someone I could (but would never) call 'hyung'. Perhaps I'd never know. It didn't matter.
"I could ask you the same thing."
"You woke me up when you left the room."
We both chuckled lightly, trying to keep our voices down. I let myself bask in the peace for a while. I wanted to pretend that it could last forever, but the edge of the paper cut into my hand and I sighed.
"This was faxed three hours ago." I handed the note to him. JaeJoong accepted it with a frown.
"So I guess we'll tell them in the morning?" He put the note back on the table, watching me closely. I rubbed the back of my neck in unease. I didn't want to tell them - especially since I couldn't think of a way out of this problem.
(It would hurt, and I wouldn't be able to make it right.)
A sad smile curved the edge of his lips as he reached out to run his fingers through my hair.
"You don't always have to be strong for all of us, you know," he said gently.
...but I want to. He knew. I swallowed an unexpected lump in my throat and said nothing. I could sense him chuckling softly at my stubbornness.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
JaeJoong just nodded. As always.
*
[ ChangMin // Five hours, an announcement, and half a breakfast later ]
"Hyung." I repeated the syllable again in front of Akira (who, amazingly, seemed to not yet lose interest, given how long we'd been doing this) rather insistently.
"Pa!"
"No. No." God, please give me a wall to bang my head on. "Oppa is for your sister - who you're supposed to call 'noona' but let's save that for later. You're not a girl, right? Right?" Was that a hint of desperation in my voice? "Let's try this again." For the tenth time, "Hyung."
"Pa!" Akira cackled and if he didn't look so adorable, I would've sworn that he was doing this just to spite me.
"Give it up, Min," JunSu said from across the table. "And finish your cereal before I decide that I'm still hungry."
Yes, I even neglected my cereal. I was that desperate.
"Chun!" Akira pointed his plastic spoon with an enthusiasm that sent a speck of baby food into YooChun's soup.
...
What did Akira say again? Did he just called YooChun-hyung-
"HE SAID YOUR NAME!" I pointed my spoon to YooChun-hyung, too, with an enthusiasm that sent a speck of corn flake into his soup.
YooChun stared for two seconds, sighed, and calmly picked out what didn't belong in his breakfast.
"He said your name! Did you hear it? Did you? Did you?"
"Quite clearly, thanks," he drawled dryly. "And I'm confiscating that cereal if you point that spoon at me again."
I pouted and put the spoon in my bowl to avoid any other possible 'accident'.
"Pa~"
I sighed. Here I thought he was making progress.
"Pa!" He pointed his spoon at YunHo, sending baby food splattering across the marble dining table. JaeJoong-hyung wisely took the spoon from his hand.
"Ma!"
Freeze. YunHo-hyung looked up from his newspaper.
"...Wha?"
"I think," Kane said calmly (oh, yeah, all of us froze but her), "he was referring to Yunnie-Oppa as 'Appa' and Jae-Oppa as 'Umma'."
JaeJoong-hyung raised an eyebrow. "And who taught him that?"
Kane-chan stared back at him with a 'who-me' expression more innocent than innocence personified. It was so innocent I bet she'd perfected it all her life. I could've hug-squished her right then and there.
"Ma~"
"Why do I always have to be the girl?"
"Oh, stop acting like you mind," JunSu laughed. "You said so yourself that you're the mother of the band!"
"Well, yeah, but..."
"Su!" There was no splattering baby food now, but the enthusiasm was the same. JunSu nodded proudly and kissed the top of baby Akira's head. Akira turned to me and grinned. It was toothless, messy... and absolutely perfect.
"Min!" He touched-slapped, actually-my cheek with his little fingers. "Min."
Right then I knew I didn't mind if I never heard 'hyung' from him for the next, say, twenty years.
JaeJoong-hyung smiled wistfully before pointing to my cereal.
"Eat. We're leaving for the airport in an hour."
And just like that, silence returned to the table.
*
[ JaeJoong // A flight and a couple hours later ]
It was oddly liberating (and almost surreal) how we could walk out of an airport gate without hundreds of people screaming, flailing, or flashing their cameras around us. Of course, with beanies, shades, two kids, no make-up, and zero bodyguards, we barely looked like the international pop-stars we were supposed to be.
Plus, YooChun and ChangMin wore girly wigs and girly Versace coats (after much protest, I might add, but what could we do? They picked the short-ended straws). Kane kept on giggling and getting murderous looks from YooChun the first half of the flight (ChangMin looked like he'd given up), but as we flew nearer to Osaka, the atmosphere tensed up and conversations became fewer and quieter.
First stop, Osaka Hilton. Check.
Second stop... Osaka General Hospital.
Something tap-danced in my stomach every time I remembered this part of our trip. For some reason, Japanese officials wanted Kane to identify the bodies of her parents. There were quite a lot of protests when we first heard about it, but inter-countries procedures were delicate matters, and not even well-known pop-stars could escape them.
Kane had been indifferent about the whole idea. That was what scared me most. She was as blunt and cheeky as usual, but every time we brought up this subject, she clamped down and refused to say anything. It was either denial or preparation.
If I had to choose, I'd go for the latter. If I had to. In all entireties, I just hoped this nightmare would just end and that they had never found Julia and Satoru's bodies.
There were eight people in the car (JunSu, YooChun, and ChangMin insisted on coming along; moral support, they'd said, I just wasn't sure who's supporting whom) but so far there was only dead silence in the car-bad choice of words. I felt my insides tap-dancing again.
As we walked towards the mortuary, our steps became slower and slower. At some point, Kane stopped walking, halting the whole parade because I was holding her hand and we were the first in the row.
"Kane-chan..."
She shook her head and clutched her Hello Kitty plushie tighter. I looked at YunHo on the other side. YunHo swallowed and kneeled down in front of her.
"Kane-chan, we don't have to go if you don't want to."
Kane shook her head again.
"Kaasan... Mommy and daddy awl in thewl, wight?"
YunHo nodded. "But you don't have to-"
"Kane... Kane wanna see mommy and daddy."
"Hyung, I really don't think-" JunSu cut off with Korean, on purpose, but he couldn't fool Kane.
"S'okay." She tugged on JunSu's hand. "It's okay, Oppa. Kane wanna see."
JunSu looked like he wanted to argue, but Kane was Kane, and we realized we had to eventually do this anyway.
What went down in just two minutes after that was far from the end of the nightmare.
One minute later, we were inside the room.
Thirty seconds later, the nurse opened the white sheets covering Julia and Satoru's bodies.
Ten seconds-Kane was crying and screaming Oppa I wanna go I wanna go, clawing like a madman, trying to run from my arms.
Five seconds. YooChun and JunSu ran in and took Kane out of the room. I could hear the sound of a baby crying faintly.
Two seconds. "Yes, this is Satoru and Julia Arisugawa."
One second.
I broke down and cried in YunHo's arms.
*
[ JunSu // A day and almost no sleep later ]
If we hadn't had a full night's sleep until now, it wasn't because we hadn't tried.
Kane cried herself to sleep after we got back from the morgue. The next twenty hours that followed was an entirely different nightmare in itself. Kane repeatedly woke up and begged for us not to leave. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't stop crying, and wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her hand.
After she woke up crying because I left her side to look for food, we all took turns sitting beside her bed. In all honesty, none of us wanted to leave when it was another person's turn, but we had our limits. We had to rest.
YunHo-hyung called Mr. Phillips - the lawyer - and arranged for the funeral to be held the next day. I knew he hated doing it as much as we all did, but we didn't have much time in Japan and everything needed to be taken care of while we could still do it.
As for what happened in the morgue itself... I didn't know which shook us more-seeing Kane or seeing JaeJoong-hyung walking out crying and being supported by leader-hyung. JaeJoong-hyung was a gentle, loving human being, but he didn't cry easily. He was always stronger than all of us. I guess we just never realized that we also leaned on him for support in a different way-as much as we leaned on YunHo-hyung.
"…Oppa."
"Kane-hey." I rushed to her side. "Feeling better?"
Kaneko nodded slowly, before her eyes searched around the room for people who weren't there.
"They're outside, waiting for you to wake up. Want me to call them?"
There was a sudden fear in her eyes and she tightened her hold on my fingers.
"I'm not going to leave you," I said gently. "I'm just gonna call them from here, okay?"
She nodded, still not saying anything. I picked up the phone with one hand and punched the number to the other part of the suite.
"Our Little Princess requests your presence." I winked at her. That seemed to make her smile. I heard the phone being dropped outside the room and there was quite a racket-complete with a muffled 'ow' (YooChun), 'wait, I'll get the soup!' (JaeJoong-hyung) and a 'do I get a bowl?' (definitely ChangMin).
...
We exchanged looks and Kane giggled again.
Then, the door was opened slowly from outside. They looked as tired as me, with obvious worry etched on each of their faces and perhaps a hint of relief when Kane smiled at them-faintly, but still, a smile. JaeJoong-hyung put a tray of something that looked like hot soup on the nightstand before helping Kane sit up.
"Hey, little monster." YooChun patted her head. "How are you feeling?"
"Hungwy."
"Thought so. You didn't eat anything for almost a day."
"Neither did I," ChangMin mumbled. "Not enough anyway," he hastily added when the others gave him looks.
Another little smile from Kane.
"Do you think you can eat?" JaeJoong-hyung asked. Kane nodded again. He smiled. "Do you want to eat alone or do you want me to feed you?"
There was a pause-and then, "Kane-no, not alone."
I swallowed. There was more than what met the eye from that simple statement. It was clear from the way she said it. Something left unsaid; something that she probably didn't need to say. YunHo-hyung moved to stroke her hair gently.
"We won't leave you."
"...Pwomise?"
"Promise."
That promise was to her as much as it was to us.
*
[ ChangMin // Fifteen hours and still a poor sleep later ]
It was a closed-casket ceremony.
Funerals must be the most depressing place to be at. I didn't go to funerals much-I always avoided them on principle. Funerals have this surreal feel you get when watching a movie-the faces somehow impersonal, the gestures jaded, and whatever whoever said didn't matter.
I always thought that it didn't matter because they didn't understand your grief.
The media had somehow caught wind about the funeral. As expected, they came like a flock of vultures to a sea of corpses, waiting just outside the funeral home. I regarded them with contempt, but there was no time to do anything significant-not without causing unnecessary commotion and especially not with Kane holding tight to my fingers.
Her eyes were empty, her expression frighteningly blank, but she tightened her hold every time a family friend came and shook her hand, ruffled her hair, doing things I knew she must've hated.
I shifted my weight to another foot and she reacted instantly, turning to me with fear and panic in her eyes.
My heart broke a little a little when I realized she must've thought that I was going to leave her.
"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered softly. "We promised we'll stay, remember?"
She nodded, but the fear didn't vanish from her eyes. I caught YunHo-hyung's eyes from over her head. His eyes mirrored my worry.
"Hey," I tugged on her hand, "Wanna go check on Akira-chan?"
Kaneko nodded quietly and we ambled towards JaeJoong-hyung and JunSu, sitting on the other side of the room with Akira asleep between them. Upon our arrival, JaeJoong-hyung transferred Akira into my arms and let Kane climb up onto his lap.
Little Akira opened his eyes and smiled his toothless smile. I guess he was lucky-for being too young to understand funerals, too innocent to sense the pretense of it.
"Excuse me."
I turned around and saw a familiar face I hadn't seen in a couple days.
"Hyung!" It turned out to be no other than our manager. The others crowded behind me, asking what he was doing and why was he here, but all questions halted when we finally noticed the tense, almost pained expression on his face.
There was a group of people behind him-an old man and an old woman in the front-impeccably dressed, wearing identical expressions of distastte. They looked like they didn't want to be here.
"Arisugawa Tomokazu and his wife, Keiko," our manager said. "They are..."
"Gwandpa and gwandma."
Kaneko's shaken voice instantly brought our attention to her. Who-what? Who were they again? Arisugawa-Satoru's parents? Didn't they turn the kids out of their house? What was with all those people? Most importantly, what were they doing here?
I hadn't had the chance to process those questions before the old man gestured to a man in uniform behind him and ordered, with a very calm voice:
"Take the little girl and the baby."
*
[ I think I've already lost you. ]
"Min!" Akira bawled loudly, automatically, because the arms around him lacked certain warmth. They weren't familiar. They weren't his nii-san's arms. Akira did not understand why he was being carried by a stranger. The stranger didn't look like his nii-san, didn't smell like his nii-san. He wanted his nii-san. Where was his nii-san? "Min!"
"No!" ChangMin jumped up violently, only to be restrained by his manager. The man was over forty years old, but he was as solid as a brick. "Don't touch him! Don't you fucking-"
"ChangMin-ah!" TaeKim shook the younger boy, trying to calm him down. "YunHo-ah! JaeJoong-ah! Help me!"
YunHo couldn't move. JaeJoong couldn't move. Nobody could. It was almost unreal-the abruptness, the almost-cliché scene of separation as if taken straight out of a soap opera. There was disbelief-and finally realization came crashing down...
"Oppa!"
...When they took Kaneko.
"Kane-chan!"
"No-"
"Wait!"
They reacted instantly, almost tripping each other in desperation, crashing into people as they raced their way outside the building. Why were they taking the kids? How could they do this?
"Oppa..." Kaneko didn't cry, but the look on her face was enough to make them feel like the lowest scum on earth-it wasn't hatred, wasn't betrayal. It was confusion and helplessness and fear: 'where are they taking me', 'why can't I stay with you', and 'Oppa, I don't wanna go' mixed into one softly-uttered plea.
Perhaps there was a hint of 'Oppa, you promised,' too.
That was what hurt most.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you have to stop here." Two men in uniform moved to stand in front of them, as they were trying to reach the kids. Yunho recognized them as Japanese policemen.
"No-you don't understand. They're our kids. We're their guardians."
"I'm sorry, sir. Court order."
YooChun barked a three-worded profanity that eloquently expressed what they thought about court order and where they could shove it at. YunHo could only wish that the policemen didn't understand English.
"But-" He tried again, but Kane and Akira had disappeared into a car with black-tinted windows. The old man and old woman followed in. "No! Kane! Akira! Aki-"
The car sped away and for a moment, everything stood still-the policemen, people attending the funeral, them-except for the reporters furiously clicking their cameras and shoving microphones to their mouths.
"Hyung!" YooChun shoved a reporter aside and made his way to their manager. "Hyung-what just... why did they-"
"Car. Now."
No one objected; they just desperately needed to know what happened.
As soon as the last door was pulled shut, their manager closed his eyes and sighed-suddenly looking ten years older than his real age.
"The management contacted Arisugawa Satoru's parents."
...
JunSu hugged himself, warding off the chill creeping up his spine.
"You guys are... high-profile artists. There will be some digging around. The Arisugawa family didn't want the children of their banished son to be under the media spotlight."
He stopped talking-he didn't need to continue. There was a dead silence in the car. It didn't take a genius to realize that blood relatives were the most difficult people to challenge in custody battles. Not that they wanted to put the children through a custody battle. Then there was the management...
YooChun looked out of the window, his expression unreadable. ChangMin sat hugging his knees, trembling.
"We can't... there's got to be a way," JunSu said after a while.
No one said anything for a long, long time.
"YunHo-hyung," ChangMin said quietly, almost in tears. "Please talk to Lee sunsaengnim. Please..."
"Yes-Lee sunsaengnim trusts you," JunSu added almost instantly; beside him, YooChun nodded.
There was no reaction from JaeJoong.
YunHo swallowed.
"I will."
[ I think you're already gone. ]
They flew back to Korea with the first plane they could get.
Funny how time seemed to stand still when we were waiting for news-a result, a decision, something that could potentially change our life. As we waited, we gradually realized that there were only us, our minds, and the time. Someone else, if we were lucky; but most of the time, we were just too wrapped up in our thoughts to think of sticking together.
At this stage, it was just our nature to try to occupy ourselves with something to kill time. We all resorted to different things-some of us sat quietly in the corner squeezing our hands together; others chose more distracting physical activities such as walking around or biting their nails-but there was something we all couldn't avoid doing: thinking.
Our minds worked overtime, contemplating one possibility after another, hoping against hope that everything would be okay but at the same time bracing ourselves for worst case scenarios, trying to convince ourselves that it wouldn't hurt that much but at the same time never sure of how much we could take, hoping for the time to tick faster (oh, please, faster) but when we were alone, time was our only constant.
Time was the only thing that wasn't distorted-wasn't changed by fears, hopes, or what-ifs.
Sitting quietly with his hands in his laps in the corner of their dressing room, JaeJoong watched ChangMin biting his nails beside him, YooChun walking back and forth in front of the door, and JunSu lying at an awkward angle on the make-up counter.
JaeJoong stood up and tapped JunSu's shoulder before leading him to where ChangMin was sitting. Wrapping an arm around ChangMin's waist, JaeJoong sat beside the youngest member and let JunSu rest his head on his lap.
"Chunnie."
YooChun smiled weakly and sat beside ChangMin, his fingers naturally intertwining with the other's.
We might not want to admit it, but we all needed constants in our lives.
[ I think I'm finally scared now- ]
Half an hour later, when the door was finally opened from the outside, they stood up holding hands, trying to find strength in each other.
(JaeJoong took one look at their leader and understood.)
YunHo shook his head.
There was a gasp. It was probably JunSu.
"No!" YooChun hissed, stalking to YunHo, trying to find traces of deceit in leader-hyung's eyes.
"There's more," YunHo started, his voice deadly calm, "We're not allowed to contact them if we want to stay in the band."
ChangMin sagged down and if it weren't for JaeJoong, he would've hit the floor.
"You're lying. Please tell me you're lying. Please..." Even when YooChun said it, he knew YunHo wasn't. He choked back tears and turned to JunSu.
But JunSu didn’t say anything. JunSu was squatting down, hugging himself, and YooChun burst into tears.
"I'm sorry." When YunHo said it, it wasn't only to YooChun. "I'm so sorry. I..." It was to all of them-including himself-and he retreated quietly out of the room.
JaeJoong knew he would do that.
"Minnie." He shook ChangMin gently, snapping the younger boy out of his daze. ChangMin stared at JaeJoong, his eyes slowly registering JaeJoong's concerned expression. "ChangMin-ah. I need you to stay here. I'm going to..."
"YunHo-hyung." ChangMin nodded, still half in daze. "I'll stay. We're going to be okay." A tear rolled down his left cheek. "We're gonna be okay." Right?
JaeJoong wanted to say yes, but he didn't want to lie.
So he left.
[ You think I'm weak ]
JaeJoong found YunHo ten minutes later, hidden between two vending machines; knees folded and face buried in the crook of his arms. At the sound of his footsteps, YunHo's head snapped up.
JaeJoong smiled tentatively, carefully.
The smile YunHo returned to him was broken.
"How did you know...?" YunHo waved his hand, gesturing to the dim hallway.
"I got lucky." It was a lie. JaeJoong searched every possible place before he remembered this hallway-where the lights were half-dead and the vending machines fully dysfunctional. He remembered going here himself when he felt like he didn't want to be found.
Silence stretched between them-and unlike every other silence, JaeJoong knew this one was unbridgeable. So he waited.
He would give YunHo as much time as needed, but he would not leave.
"How..." YunHo swallowed. "How's everyone handling it?"
"Not good." JaeJoong grimaced, somehow feeling much more exhausted than he should be. He paused for a moment before adding, "Not as bad as you are."
"I'm-"
"Stop pretending, Yunnie-ah," JaeJoong said quietly, effectively cutting the younger boy off mid-denial. "You can't protect everyone-I know you want to," he hastily added before YunHo had the chance to disagree, "but we're... you need to trust us more." His voice gentled, his fingers reached out to brush a lock of unruly hair from YunHo's tired face.
"We're not that fragile." JaeJoong smiled again gently, sadly. "You need to let us take care of you, too. Let me-at least." The last part was added tentatively.
There was surprise-JaeJoong could see it-but there was also realization. Then the tears came-quiet, slow, but just as painful.
"Joongie..." The look in YunHo's eyes broke his heart. In just a split second JaeJoong saw the little boy in him; the scared child he so often hid from everyone else. He saw defeat, fear, and more than anything else, he saw guilt.
And it hurt.
It hurt when a tear shot down YunHo's cheek; it hurt when his shoulders started to tremble.
(What happens... what happens when you’ve tried to be so strong for everyone for so long-)
YunHo blindly reached out to him and JaeJoong took his hands, gathering the younger boy into his arms, whispering comforting nothings in his ears, trying to somehow share the pain, relieve the burden.
(-and suddenly you break? What happens when no one is stronger than you?)
It hurt.
JaeJoong tightened his arms. He didn't know which hurt more-losing the kids, watching YunHo blame himself for it, or simply watching YunHo cry.
It hurt so bad. JaeJoong wanted to cry but he couldn't-he didn't know why, but he couldn't. Not with YunHo shaking and hurting in his arms. He just knew that he had to be YunHo's rock. He wanted to be YunHo's rock.
So he did.
*
[ ...I think you're wrong. ]
(When YunHo came back, there was a tangled mess of hugs and clings and worried questions from the three other members.
YunHo felt himself starting to tear up again-and then he looked at a smiling JaeJoong.
He smiled back through his tear-rimmed eyes.)
*
A/N: Ah. Following this, I'll be gone to Singapore-Malaysia from 2-7 of August, so the next update might be a little late... Many thanks for sticking with this fic and its flaws. Your comments make me happy more than anything ♥
Author: catachrestical
Keywords: Bandfic; hints of JaeHo and YooSu; some original characters.
Rating: PG13 for few language mishaps.
Disclaimer: Do not own, did not happen.
Notes: The boys found themselves having to take care of two orphan kids.
First version beta'd by janeberryblue; current version re-beta'd by bel_chan ♥
Concrits appreciated, thanks for reading :)
→ previous: #1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6 | #7
*
Our Little Princess
Chapter 8: Gone.
"I can't relate, and that's the problem I'm feeling if you're gone,
maybe it's time to come home.
There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move."
- Matchbox 20, If You're Gone.
Young men,
You will learn that in this company, you do not act as freely as you wish to. That stunt you pulled at the latest press conference? You should count yourselves extremely lucky that your reputation did not suffer any more permanent damage; otherwise, I would have had to suspend the whole group. You think I wouldn’t do it?
You are wrong. I would.
You have to realize that society frowns upon what you have done. You may have different stories concerning this matter-I don't want to hear them. The bottom line is: society does not know your story. Society speculates. Society does not sympathize. Society does not care. Society is ruthless. Press are worse.
But you will learn that I am the worst.
Rules are made for a reason-and that is, not to be broken. I expect public apologies made to the press, the fans, and the management tomorrow morning.
As for the "matter of inconvenience," I will give you three days to arrange everything concerning the funeral and the adoption papers for the children. I expect no protest regarding this subject. Your plane for Japan leaves on Wednesday morning at ten am. Contact your manager for details.
Lee Soo Man.
*
[ YunHo // A restless night's sleep and a note later ]
The note felt heavy in my hand.
I stared in silence for a long, long time-reading and re-reading it, trying to find a loophole, some hidden way out of this death sentence.
It was short, simple, and straightforward; the finality in it felt like a ton of bricks weighing on my chest. The management had decided (they never asked our input) and it was known that changing their minds was next to impossible.
I rubbed my temple, exhaustion creeping in, and glanced at the bedroom. Everyone was still asleep, as normal people should at two thirty in the morning. I was here only because sleep kept failing me. I was worried - about everyone, but mostly about Kane-chan, Akira-chan, Minnie and Chunnie and Su-ah-and how they would handle this.
I had to tell them, but I really didn't know how.
There was a punch of pain in my stomach and I grimaced. It must be the stress. I looked up upon hearing a soft click from the direction of the bedroom. The grimace turned into a soft smile when I saw JaeJoong walking out, smoothing his hair and rubbing his eyes. He returned my smile.
"Why are you awake?" he asked, sitting down beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder, taking comfort from the warmth and solidity I found in him. I didn't know why or when exactly I started letting my guard down around JaeJoong-not that I didn't do that around the others; we were as close as family and probably more-but with JaeJoong it was different.
Weakness was not to be shown to everyone else - because they looked up to me as a leader and disappointing them was out of the question. They leaned on me as their rock; I loved them too much. It was as simple as that.
With JaeJoong, though, it was easier. With JaeJoong, I felt like I could be as honest as I wanted. Perhaps because he was older, someone I could (but would never) call 'hyung'. Perhaps I'd never know. It didn't matter.
"I could ask you the same thing."
"You woke me up when you left the room."
We both chuckled lightly, trying to keep our voices down. I let myself bask in the peace for a while. I wanted to pretend that it could last forever, but the edge of the paper cut into my hand and I sighed.
"This was faxed three hours ago." I handed the note to him. JaeJoong accepted it with a frown.
"So I guess we'll tell them in the morning?" He put the note back on the table, watching me closely. I rubbed the back of my neck in unease. I didn't want to tell them - especially since I couldn't think of a way out of this problem.
(It would hurt, and I wouldn't be able to make it right.)
A sad smile curved the edge of his lips as he reached out to run his fingers through my hair.
"You don't always have to be strong for all of us, you know," he said gently.
...but I want to. He knew. I swallowed an unexpected lump in my throat and said nothing. I could sense him chuckling softly at my stubbornness.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
JaeJoong just nodded. As always.
*
[ ChangMin // Five hours, an announcement, and half a breakfast later ]
"Hyung." I repeated the syllable again in front of Akira (who, amazingly, seemed to not yet lose interest, given how long we'd been doing this) rather insistently.
"Pa!"
"No. No." God, please give me a wall to bang my head on. "Oppa is for your sister - who you're supposed to call 'noona' but let's save that for later. You're not a girl, right? Right?" Was that a hint of desperation in my voice? "Let's try this again." For the tenth time, "Hyung."
"Pa!" Akira cackled and if he didn't look so adorable, I would've sworn that he was doing this just to spite me.
"Give it up, Min," JunSu said from across the table. "And finish your cereal before I decide that I'm still hungry."
Yes, I even neglected my cereal. I was that desperate.
"Chun!" Akira pointed his plastic spoon with an enthusiasm that sent a speck of baby food into YooChun's soup.
...
What did Akira say again? Did he just called YooChun-hyung-
"HE SAID YOUR NAME!" I pointed my spoon to YooChun-hyung, too, with an enthusiasm that sent a speck of corn flake into his soup.
YooChun stared for two seconds, sighed, and calmly picked out what didn't belong in his breakfast.
"He said your name! Did you hear it? Did you? Did you?"
"Quite clearly, thanks," he drawled dryly. "And I'm confiscating that cereal if you point that spoon at me again."
I pouted and put the spoon in my bowl to avoid any other possible 'accident'.
"Pa~"
I sighed. Here I thought he was making progress.
"Pa!" He pointed his spoon at YunHo, sending baby food splattering across the marble dining table. JaeJoong-hyung wisely took the spoon from his hand.
"Ma!"
Freeze. YunHo-hyung looked up from his newspaper.
"...Wha?"
"I think," Kane said calmly (oh, yeah, all of us froze but her), "he was referring to Yunnie-Oppa as 'Appa' and Jae-Oppa as 'Umma'."
JaeJoong-hyung raised an eyebrow. "And who taught him that?"
Kane-chan stared back at him with a 'who-me' expression more innocent than innocence personified. It was so innocent I bet she'd perfected it all her life. I could've hug-squished her right then and there.
"Ma~"
"Why do I always have to be the girl?"
"Oh, stop acting like you mind," JunSu laughed. "You said so yourself that you're the mother of the band!"
"Well, yeah, but..."
"Su!" There was no splattering baby food now, but the enthusiasm was the same. JunSu nodded proudly and kissed the top of baby Akira's head. Akira turned to me and grinned. It was toothless, messy... and absolutely perfect.
"Min!" He touched-slapped, actually-my cheek with his little fingers. "Min."
Right then I knew I didn't mind if I never heard 'hyung' from him for the next, say, twenty years.
JaeJoong-hyung smiled wistfully before pointing to my cereal.
"Eat. We're leaving for the airport in an hour."
And just like that, silence returned to the table.
*
[ JaeJoong // A flight and a couple hours later ]
It was oddly liberating (and almost surreal) how we could walk out of an airport gate without hundreds of people screaming, flailing, or flashing their cameras around us. Of course, with beanies, shades, two kids, no make-up, and zero bodyguards, we barely looked like the international pop-stars we were supposed to be.
Plus, YooChun and ChangMin wore girly wigs and girly Versace coats (after much protest, I might add, but what could we do? They picked the short-ended straws). Kane kept on giggling and getting murderous looks from YooChun the first half of the flight (ChangMin looked like he'd given up), but as we flew nearer to Osaka, the atmosphere tensed up and conversations became fewer and quieter.
First stop, Osaka Hilton. Check.
Second stop... Osaka General Hospital.
Something tap-danced in my stomach every time I remembered this part of our trip. For some reason, Japanese officials wanted Kane to identify the bodies of her parents. There were quite a lot of protests when we first heard about it, but inter-countries procedures were delicate matters, and not even well-known pop-stars could escape them.
Kane had been indifferent about the whole idea. That was what scared me most. She was as blunt and cheeky as usual, but every time we brought up this subject, she clamped down and refused to say anything. It was either denial or preparation.
If I had to choose, I'd go for the latter. If I had to. In all entireties, I just hoped this nightmare would just end and that they had never found Julia and Satoru's bodies.
There were eight people in the car (JunSu, YooChun, and ChangMin insisted on coming along; moral support, they'd said, I just wasn't sure who's supporting whom) but so far there was only dead silence in the car-bad choice of words. I felt my insides tap-dancing again.
As we walked towards the mortuary, our steps became slower and slower. At some point, Kane stopped walking, halting the whole parade because I was holding her hand and we were the first in the row.
"Kane-chan..."
She shook her head and clutched her Hello Kitty plushie tighter. I looked at YunHo on the other side. YunHo swallowed and kneeled down in front of her.
"Kane-chan, we don't have to go if you don't want to."
Kane shook her head again.
"Kaasan... Mommy and daddy awl in thewl, wight?"
YunHo nodded. "But you don't have to-"
"Kane... Kane wanna see mommy and daddy."
"Hyung, I really don't think-" JunSu cut off with Korean, on purpose, but he couldn't fool Kane.
"S'okay." She tugged on JunSu's hand. "It's okay, Oppa. Kane wanna see."
JunSu looked like he wanted to argue, but Kane was Kane, and we realized we had to eventually do this anyway.
What went down in just two minutes after that was far from the end of the nightmare.
One minute later, we were inside the room.
Thirty seconds later, the nurse opened the white sheets covering Julia and Satoru's bodies.
Ten seconds-Kane was crying and screaming Oppa I wanna go I wanna go, clawing like a madman, trying to run from my arms.
Five seconds. YooChun and JunSu ran in and took Kane out of the room. I could hear the sound of a baby crying faintly.
Two seconds. "Yes, this is Satoru and Julia Arisugawa."
One second.
I broke down and cried in YunHo's arms.
*
[ JunSu // A day and almost no sleep later ]
If we hadn't had a full night's sleep until now, it wasn't because we hadn't tried.
Kane cried herself to sleep after we got back from the morgue. The next twenty hours that followed was an entirely different nightmare in itself. Kane repeatedly woke up and begged for us not to leave. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't stop crying, and wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of us held her hand.
After she woke up crying because I left her side to look for food, we all took turns sitting beside her bed. In all honesty, none of us wanted to leave when it was another person's turn, but we had our limits. We had to rest.
YunHo-hyung called Mr. Phillips - the lawyer - and arranged for the funeral to be held the next day. I knew he hated doing it as much as we all did, but we didn't have much time in Japan and everything needed to be taken care of while we could still do it.
As for what happened in the morgue itself... I didn't know which shook us more-seeing Kane or seeing JaeJoong-hyung walking out crying and being supported by leader-hyung. JaeJoong-hyung was a gentle, loving human being, but he didn't cry easily. He was always stronger than all of us. I guess we just never realized that we also leaned on him for support in a different way-as much as we leaned on YunHo-hyung.
"…Oppa."
"Kane-hey." I rushed to her side. "Feeling better?"
Kaneko nodded slowly, before her eyes searched around the room for people who weren't there.
"They're outside, waiting for you to wake up. Want me to call them?"
There was a sudden fear in her eyes and she tightened her hold on my fingers.
"I'm not going to leave you," I said gently. "I'm just gonna call them from here, okay?"
She nodded, still not saying anything. I picked up the phone with one hand and punched the number to the other part of the suite.
"Our Little Princess requests your presence." I winked at her. That seemed to make her smile. I heard the phone being dropped outside the room and there was quite a racket-complete with a muffled 'ow' (YooChun), 'wait, I'll get the soup!' (JaeJoong-hyung) and a 'do I get a bowl?' (definitely ChangMin).
...
We exchanged looks and Kane giggled again.
Then, the door was opened slowly from outside. They looked as tired as me, with obvious worry etched on each of their faces and perhaps a hint of relief when Kane smiled at them-faintly, but still, a smile. JaeJoong-hyung put a tray of something that looked like hot soup on the nightstand before helping Kane sit up.
"Hey, little monster." YooChun patted her head. "How are you feeling?"
"Hungwy."
"Thought so. You didn't eat anything for almost a day."
"Neither did I," ChangMin mumbled. "Not enough anyway," he hastily added when the others gave him looks.
Another little smile from Kane.
"Do you think you can eat?" JaeJoong-hyung asked. Kane nodded again. He smiled. "Do you want to eat alone or do you want me to feed you?"
There was a pause-and then, "Kane-no, not alone."
I swallowed. There was more than what met the eye from that simple statement. It was clear from the way she said it. Something left unsaid; something that she probably didn't need to say. YunHo-hyung moved to stroke her hair gently.
"We won't leave you."
"...Pwomise?"
"Promise."
That promise was to her as much as it was to us.
*
[ ChangMin // Fifteen hours and still a poor sleep later ]
It was a closed-casket ceremony.
Funerals must be the most depressing place to be at. I didn't go to funerals much-I always avoided them on principle. Funerals have this surreal feel you get when watching a movie-the faces somehow impersonal, the gestures jaded, and whatever whoever said didn't matter.
I always thought that it didn't matter because they didn't understand your grief.
The media had somehow caught wind about the funeral. As expected, they came like a flock of vultures to a sea of corpses, waiting just outside the funeral home. I regarded them with contempt, but there was no time to do anything significant-not without causing unnecessary commotion and especially not with Kane holding tight to my fingers.
Her eyes were empty, her expression frighteningly blank, but she tightened her hold every time a family friend came and shook her hand, ruffled her hair, doing things I knew she must've hated.
I shifted my weight to another foot and she reacted instantly, turning to me with fear and panic in her eyes.
My heart broke a little a little when I realized she must've thought that I was going to leave her.
"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered softly. "We promised we'll stay, remember?"
She nodded, but the fear didn't vanish from her eyes. I caught YunHo-hyung's eyes from over her head. His eyes mirrored my worry.
"Hey," I tugged on her hand, "Wanna go check on Akira-chan?"
Kaneko nodded quietly and we ambled towards JaeJoong-hyung and JunSu, sitting on the other side of the room with Akira asleep between them. Upon our arrival, JaeJoong-hyung transferred Akira into my arms and let Kane climb up onto his lap.
Little Akira opened his eyes and smiled his toothless smile. I guess he was lucky-for being too young to understand funerals, too innocent to sense the pretense of it.
"Excuse me."
I turned around and saw a familiar face I hadn't seen in a couple days.
"Hyung!" It turned out to be no other than our manager. The others crowded behind me, asking what he was doing and why was he here, but all questions halted when we finally noticed the tense, almost pained expression on his face.
There was a group of people behind him-an old man and an old woman in the front-impeccably dressed, wearing identical expressions of distastte. They looked like they didn't want to be here.
"Arisugawa Tomokazu and his wife, Keiko," our manager said. "They are..."
"Gwandpa and gwandma."
Kaneko's shaken voice instantly brought our attention to her. Who-what? Who were they again? Arisugawa-Satoru's parents? Didn't they turn the kids out of their house? What was with all those people? Most importantly, what were they doing here?
I hadn't had the chance to process those questions before the old man gestured to a man in uniform behind him and ordered, with a very calm voice:
"Take the little girl and the baby."
*
[ I think I've already lost you. ]
"Min!" Akira bawled loudly, automatically, because the arms around him lacked certain warmth. They weren't familiar. They weren't his nii-san's arms. Akira did not understand why he was being carried by a stranger. The stranger didn't look like his nii-san, didn't smell like his nii-san. He wanted his nii-san. Where was his nii-san? "Min!"
"No!" ChangMin jumped up violently, only to be restrained by his manager. The man was over forty years old, but he was as solid as a brick. "Don't touch him! Don't you fucking-"
"ChangMin-ah!" TaeKim shook the younger boy, trying to calm him down. "YunHo-ah! JaeJoong-ah! Help me!"
YunHo couldn't move. JaeJoong couldn't move. Nobody could. It was almost unreal-the abruptness, the almost-cliché scene of separation as if taken straight out of a soap opera. There was disbelief-and finally realization came crashing down...
"Oppa!"
...When they took Kaneko.
"Kane-chan!"
"No-"
"Wait!"
They reacted instantly, almost tripping each other in desperation, crashing into people as they raced their way outside the building. Why were they taking the kids? How could they do this?
"Oppa..." Kaneko didn't cry, but the look on her face was enough to make them feel like the lowest scum on earth-it wasn't hatred, wasn't betrayal. It was confusion and helplessness and fear: 'where are they taking me', 'why can't I stay with you', and 'Oppa, I don't wanna go' mixed into one softly-uttered plea.
Perhaps there was a hint of 'Oppa, you promised,' too.
That was what hurt most.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you have to stop here." Two men in uniform moved to stand in front of them, as they were trying to reach the kids. Yunho recognized them as Japanese policemen.
"No-you don't understand. They're our kids. We're their guardians."
"I'm sorry, sir. Court order."
YooChun barked a three-worded profanity that eloquently expressed what they thought about court order and where they could shove it at. YunHo could only wish that the policemen didn't understand English.
"But-" He tried again, but Kane and Akira had disappeared into a car with black-tinted windows. The old man and old woman followed in. "No! Kane! Akira! Aki-"
The car sped away and for a moment, everything stood still-the policemen, people attending the funeral, them-except for the reporters furiously clicking their cameras and shoving microphones to their mouths.
"Hyung!" YooChun shoved a reporter aside and made his way to their manager. "Hyung-what just... why did they-"
"Car. Now."
No one objected; they just desperately needed to know what happened.
As soon as the last door was pulled shut, their manager closed his eyes and sighed-suddenly looking ten years older than his real age.
"The management contacted Arisugawa Satoru's parents."
...
JunSu hugged himself, warding off the chill creeping up his spine.
"You guys are... high-profile artists. There will be some digging around. The Arisugawa family didn't want the children of their banished son to be under the media spotlight."
He stopped talking-he didn't need to continue. There was a dead silence in the car. It didn't take a genius to realize that blood relatives were the most difficult people to challenge in custody battles. Not that they wanted to put the children through a custody battle. Then there was the management...
YooChun looked out of the window, his expression unreadable. ChangMin sat hugging his knees, trembling.
"We can't... there's got to be a way," JunSu said after a while.
No one said anything for a long, long time.
"YunHo-hyung," ChangMin said quietly, almost in tears. "Please talk to Lee sunsaengnim. Please..."
"Yes-Lee sunsaengnim trusts you," JunSu added almost instantly; beside him, YooChun nodded.
There was no reaction from JaeJoong.
YunHo swallowed.
"I will."
[ I think you're already gone. ]
They flew back to Korea with the first plane they could get.
Funny how time seemed to stand still when we were waiting for news-a result, a decision, something that could potentially change our life. As we waited, we gradually realized that there were only us, our minds, and the time. Someone else, if we were lucky; but most of the time, we were just too wrapped up in our thoughts to think of sticking together.
At this stage, it was just our nature to try to occupy ourselves with something to kill time. We all resorted to different things-some of us sat quietly in the corner squeezing our hands together; others chose more distracting physical activities such as walking around or biting their nails-but there was something we all couldn't avoid doing: thinking.
Our minds worked overtime, contemplating one possibility after another, hoping against hope that everything would be okay but at the same time bracing ourselves for worst case scenarios, trying to convince ourselves that it wouldn't hurt that much but at the same time never sure of how much we could take, hoping for the time to tick faster (oh, please, faster) but when we were alone, time was our only constant.
Time was the only thing that wasn't distorted-wasn't changed by fears, hopes, or what-ifs.
Sitting quietly with his hands in his laps in the corner of their dressing room, JaeJoong watched ChangMin biting his nails beside him, YooChun walking back and forth in front of the door, and JunSu lying at an awkward angle on the make-up counter.
JaeJoong stood up and tapped JunSu's shoulder before leading him to where ChangMin was sitting. Wrapping an arm around ChangMin's waist, JaeJoong sat beside the youngest member and let JunSu rest his head on his lap.
"Chunnie."
YooChun smiled weakly and sat beside ChangMin, his fingers naturally intertwining with the other's.
We might not want to admit it, but we all needed constants in our lives.
[ I think I'm finally scared now- ]
Half an hour later, when the door was finally opened from the outside, they stood up holding hands, trying to find strength in each other.
(JaeJoong took one look at their leader and understood.)
YunHo shook his head.
There was a gasp. It was probably JunSu.
"No!" YooChun hissed, stalking to YunHo, trying to find traces of deceit in leader-hyung's eyes.
"There's more," YunHo started, his voice deadly calm, "We're not allowed to contact them if we want to stay in the band."
ChangMin sagged down and if it weren't for JaeJoong, he would've hit the floor.
"You're lying. Please tell me you're lying. Please..." Even when YooChun said it, he knew YunHo wasn't. He choked back tears and turned to JunSu.
But JunSu didn’t say anything. JunSu was squatting down, hugging himself, and YooChun burst into tears.
"I'm sorry." When YunHo said it, it wasn't only to YooChun. "I'm so sorry. I..." It was to all of them-including himself-and he retreated quietly out of the room.
JaeJoong knew he would do that.
"Minnie." He shook ChangMin gently, snapping the younger boy out of his daze. ChangMin stared at JaeJoong, his eyes slowly registering JaeJoong's concerned expression. "ChangMin-ah. I need you to stay here. I'm going to..."
"YunHo-hyung." ChangMin nodded, still half in daze. "I'll stay. We're going to be okay." A tear rolled down his left cheek. "We're gonna be okay." Right?
JaeJoong wanted to say yes, but he didn't want to lie.
So he left.
[ You think I'm weak ]
JaeJoong found YunHo ten minutes later, hidden between two vending machines; knees folded and face buried in the crook of his arms. At the sound of his footsteps, YunHo's head snapped up.
JaeJoong smiled tentatively, carefully.
The smile YunHo returned to him was broken.
"How did you know...?" YunHo waved his hand, gesturing to the dim hallway.
"I got lucky." It was a lie. JaeJoong searched every possible place before he remembered this hallway-where the lights were half-dead and the vending machines fully dysfunctional. He remembered going here himself when he felt like he didn't want to be found.
Silence stretched between them-and unlike every other silence, JaeJoong knew this one was unbridgeable. So he waited.
He would give YunHo as much time as needed, but he would not leave.
"How..." YunHo swallowed. "How's everyone handling it?"
"Not good." JaeJoong grimaced, somehow feeling much more exhausted than he should be. He paused for a moment before adding, "Not as bad as you are."
"I'm-"
"Stop pretending, Yunnie-ah," JaeJoong said quietly, effectively cutting the younger boy off mid-denial. "You can't protect everyone-I know you want to," he hastily added before YunHo had the chance to disagree, "but we're... you need to trust us more." His voice gentled, his fingers reached out to brush a lock of unruly hair from YunHo's tired face.
"We're not that fragile." JaeJoong smiled again gently, sadly. "You need to let us take care of you, too. Let me-at least." The last part was added tentatively.
There was surprise-JaeJoong could see it-but there was also realization. Then the tears came-quiet, slow, but just as painful.
"Joongie..." The look in YunHo's eyes broke his heart. In just a split second JaeJoong saw the little boy in him; the scared child he so often hid from everyone else. He saw defeat, fear, and more than anything else, he saw guilt.
And it hurt.
It hurt when a tear shot down YunHo's cheek; it hurt when his shoulders started to tremble.
(What happens... what happens when you’ve tried to be so strong for everyone for so long-)
YunHo blindly reached out to him and JaeJoong took his hands, gathering the younger boy into his arms, whispering comforting nothings in his ears, trying to somehow share the pain, relieve the burden.
(-and suddenly you break? What happens when no one is stronger than you?)
It hurt.
JaeJoong tightened his arms. He didn't know which hurt more-losing the kids, watching YunHo blame himself for it, or simply watching YunHo cry.
It hurt so bad. JaeJoong wanted to cry but he couldn't-he didn't know why, but he couldn't. Not with YunHo shaking and hurting in his arms. He just knew that he had to be YunHo's rock. He wanted to be YunHo's rock.
So he did.
*
[ ...I think you're wrong. ]
(When YunHo came back, there was a tangled mess of hugs and clings and worried questions from the three other members.
YunHo felt himself starting to tear up again-and then he looked at a smiling JaeJoong.
He smiled back through his tear-rimmed eyes.)
*
A/N: Ah. Following this, I'll be gone to Singapore-Malaysia from 2-7 of August, so the next update might be a little late... Many thanks for sticking with this fic and its flaws. Your comments make me happy more than anything ♥