Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 4
Title: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 4
"I've held on to him for longer than I expected," Admiral Ackbar acknowledged. "I know he has other responsibilities. I don't intend to monopolize him."
"But he'll only be happy if he knows you've agreed. I can't say how long he'll be gone," Mon Mothma replied. "Will it jeopardize his place in the squadron?"
Ackbar's gruff voice came back quickly. "There's a place for him with the Rogues as long as he wants it. Antilles has joint command now, so the squad won't be leaderless. But why do you think he'll be gone for any length of time? It's only a few days' flight there and back."
Mon Mothma studied Ackbar's image on the screen for a few seconds before replying. "I don't know. I'm sure he won't be gone long. I've just got a feeling about the place."
"A bad feeling?" The Admiral sounded concerned.
"No - nothing like that. I can't explain it. I just have this strange idea that things might be about to break."
"You're talking about Vader?"
"When it happens, you know it'd be better coming directly from us."
"Don't you mean if it happens?" Ackbar grunted.
After signing off, Mon Mothma sat for a few moments gazing at the screen. She wondered, not for the first time, if part of setting the past to rights should involve making the truth known to all. But still, even after all these weeks, her mind balked at the prospect.
It was a very big problem, despite the reassurances she'd given Luke and Leia at the time. There was a huge difference between convincing a few key leaders of the Alliance that their trust in Luke and Leia was justified, and convincing a host of worlds newly freed from the tyranny of the Emperor and Darth Vader. After all, Palpatine's rise to power had taken years of careful planning and patience on his part. He'd insinuated himself into galactic favor, appearing both as the sole voice of reason in an increasingly unruly and fractured Senate, and a restorer of peace instrumental in ending the Clone Wars.
The galaxy, with few exceptions at first, had placed its confidence in Palpatine, and look where it'd got them. To turn round now and expect it to trust the offspring of Vader might be a step too far for some. Especially those with first-hand experience of Vader's brutality. For those that didn't know either Luke or Leia, and had no idea of the sacrifices both had made, there was little tangible reason to believe in them.
Yet the other alternative, keeping the relationship under wraps indefinitely, was unthinkable. In already allowing so much time to pass, she was placing them all at risk. Without an open and honest approach, they'd simply be handing ammunition to the detractors who'd come crawling out of the woodwork if they ever learned the truth. It all made her head spin, but she felt the responsibility was hers. She was guilty of postponing it, but she had no intention of evading it, nor of leaving Luke and Leia to fend for themselves. Besides, the Alliance couldn't do without them, and should be thanking the stars for its good fortune in having their help.
Mon Mothma ran a hand over her face with familiar weariness. Nobody had expected anything to be easy after Endor, but it seemed particularly unfair that two of the Alliance's most treasured members, both of whom had given so much of themselves to the cause, should be living under such a cloud of uncertainty. The knowledge had existed as a small shadow in Mon Mothma's mind ever since the day they'd come to see her, bearing a truth that threw everything into a different light.
They'd turned up in a group, probably for the mutual strength and support each other offered. But Mon Mothma had been startled by their need for solidarity. It had struck her as slightly off-key, and for a group of people who'd been instrumental in the overthrow of the galaxy's most hated dictator, they hadn't looked in a mood for celebration...
..."We must seem like a mob," Leia said, her smile offering an apology that did little to offset the strangeness of their appearance.
"A little," Mon Mothma conceded. She studied the five of them curiously. Luke and Leia stood side-by-side, leaning slightly against each other. Both looked drawn and tired, understandably, but there was something else there that Mon Mothma couldn't pinpoint. It was almost like wariness. Han stood directly behind them, his stance coming across as overtly protective. And then there was Chewbacca, looking loosely threatening, leaning back against the door and effectively preventing anyone else from entering. Finally, Lando stood slightly apart from the others, his expression challenging, as if in anticipation of trouble.
"You need to see me about something?"
"What do you know about the Jedi?" Leia asked.
Surprised, Mon Mothma shrugged. "Why are you asking me? Isn't Luke better able to answer that?"
"I mean, from the early days. Before the Empire."
"I don't know any more than anyone else did. They worked with the Senate on Coruscant, but they were independent. Their own Council dealt with Jedi affairs - I had no involvement in it."
"You knew Darth Vader?"
"You know I did. Everyone actively involved in the Senate knew Vader. He came to most of the meetings, always at the Emperor's side. You can't have forgotten - you used to be a part of that."
"No, I haven't forgotten. That wasn't really what I meant."
Mon Mothma said nothing, confused with the direction the conversation was taking.
"I meant," Leia explained, "did you know him?"
"He spoke to me on a few occasions. But only because I had a reputation as outspoken. He warned me that stirring up unrest would be considered treason, but I never gave him a reason to have me arrested."
"Did my father... did Bail Organa ever speak of him to you?"
Why the unnecessary qualification, Mon Mothma wondered? "Many times, obviously. Vader was one of the Alliance's primary targets. As he was to you all. What exactly is it you're asking me? I'd have thought you've all had more personal contact with Vader than I ever did." That Vader should be a preoccupation of theirs was hardly surprising, given what he'd managed to do to them all, both individually and collectively, but the line of questioning seemed odd.
Luke spoke for the first time. "Vader was a Jedi, before the Emperor twisted his mind."
Mon Mothma studied Luke. "I know. Bail told me that. But surely you're not asking me if I trust you? Just because Vader turned evil, doesn't mean I hold that opinion about the Jedi as a whole, whatever lies Palpatine put about during the purge."
"I don't know anything about what happened then - or what the Emperor said about the Jedi. This is something... more personal."
"Oh?" Mon Mothma frowned, no clearer over what Luke was talking about. And then, unbidden, an image came into her mind. It was going back well over 20 years - towards the end of the Clone Wars. She saw the Chancellor, smiling and relieved, returned safely to Coruscant after a kidnapping attempt. And with him, a little shy but proud and happy, was one of the Jedi who'd brought him back. Master Kenobi's apprentice.
"Skywalker," she said slowly. "He was one of the Jedi from the old days." The name had never fully registered with her until now - it was simply part of one of the hundreds of memories from those traumatic times. She remembered how she'd felt the vaguest pinprick of recollection when she'd first heard Luke's name, but she'd never thought to delve more deeply into it. From Luke's expression, it was obvious that she'd touched on the subject Luke was referring to. And if Luke was asking about the past from a personal standpoint, presumably there was more than just coincidence at play. "Are you connected to him in some way?"
"He was my father."
Taken aback, Mon Mothma stared at Luke. "But, surely...? The Jedi weren't allowed to..." She hesitated, uncertain how much of anything Luke knew about the restrictions of the old Jedi order.
"I don't know anything of old Jedi rules and regulations," Luke said, answering her dilemma. "But I know that it's a fact."
"Then I'm very sorry. You must have been only a baby during the purge. Did Vader kill him? Is that what you're hoping I can shed light on?"
Luke shook his head, a trace of grim amusement flitting over his features for a moment. "He didn't die during the purge. He died saving me from the Emperor."
The slow creep of a horrible understanding edged itself into her mind. "Then..." she started, but found herself unable to say more. She noticed that Leia had taken hold of Luke's hand, gripping it with an intensity that spoke of a knowledge almost too shocking to comprehend.
"Yes, Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. I'm Vader's son," Luke said flatly.
And she could see the truth of it then. It was there in the pain that shadowed Luke's eyes, and there in the instinctive actions of the others, who'd moved subtly but unmistakably closer to Luke. And it was there as an explanation of the troubled introspection she'd often seen, and worried over, in Luke. But knowing was one thing. Understanding was another, and she doubted she could come close to appreciating just what such awareness must mean to Luke. She moved across the room, numbly touching her fingers to Luke's arm.
"Right now, I've no idea what to say," she admitted, her voice sounding strange and forced to her own ears. "Anything is going to sound inadequate."
Any horror she may have felt was overridden with a sharp concern. She examined Luke's face, noting the pallor of exhaustion that came from more than physical tiredness. "Give me some time to deal with this?"
Luke nodded. "I understand."
"It's not like that. Don't ever think you don't have my trust and support. I just need to take it all in. Have you always known?"
Luke gave a wry smile. "No."
"Vader told him on Bespin," Han cut in, his voice harsh with undercurrents of anger and bitterness. "Of course, he didn't give him the good news right away. Waited till he'd cut off his hand, then gave him a choice of either death or joining him in some cute family reunion."
Mon Mothma closed her eyes briefly. She'd known, of course, the basic facts over what had transpired at Cloud City, but hadn't begun to envision the true reasons that lay behind it all. And she'd certainly had no concept of the full horror of it.
She forced words to her lips. "I can't tell you that I can imagine how it's been for you, because I can't. But it must've been a very difficult decision. To come back, after Cloud City. To face Vader again."
"It'll sound strange," Luke said, "but it wasn't. Really, there was no decision to make. I was sure that Anakin was still there inside Vader, and I had to know for certain. So I could bring him back."
"I hope you feel it was worth it."
"Worth it?" Han snapped. "What d'you mean by that? Worth it to him, or worth it to us? He gets himself taken to the Emperor, forced to fight his own father, then chose to die instead 'cause he stood by what he believed in. Because of Luke, Vader didn't just turn back, he killed the goddamn Emperor too. All that's worth quite a bit to me." Han had placed a hand on Luke's shoulder, and Mon Mothma noted how his knuckles had turned white with the force of his grip.
"Han-" Luke started, but Mon Mothma interrupted.
"You're jumping to the wrong conclusions Han. I'm not implying any criticism, and we all owe Luke more than we can ever repay, even though I doubt he'll see it like that." She smiled at Luke, conscious of the need to set everyone's minds at ease. Han's edginess was infectious, and she could see in Chewbacca's restlessness and Lando's wary vigilance that they'd expected to have to argue their case in defense of Luke. "I can't fully understand everything Luke means, but I recognize - and relate to - the motivation behind it."
She addressed Luke again directly. "What you achieved was extraordinary. All I meant was that I hope for your sake the price hasn't been too high. What you deserve, more than anything, is peace of mind. And I'm not convinced you have that."
Han was the first to break the short silence that followed her remark, but his words sounded more like an effort to convince himself. "It's early days yet. As long as we all pull together, everything's gonna work out." His voice took on a familiar, challenging, edge. "For one thing, you say he's got your support - but what about the rest of 'em?"
Luke touched his own hand briefly to Han's, which still rested on his shoulder, and Mon Mothma wondered at the connection that seemed to flow between the two friends. Visibly, Han barely changed, but it seemed as though that small moment of contact altered his whole demeanor in a manner that defied interpretation.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Mon Mothma said, with a reassurance that she didn't entirely feel. "Just give me some time to let this sink in, and I'll think of the best way to approach matters. I'll have a private word with Madine and Ackbar first. I hope I don't need to tell you they'll be sympathetic."
"You don't know that," Leia put in. "It'll be a shock to them. They might consider us to be a security risk."
"After what you've all done? I doubt it. I agree it'll be a shock, but we've dealt with enough of those between us to cope with another."
"We haven't told you everything yet."
"Oh?" Mon Mothma cast Leia a quizzical look.
"It's about Vader. And me and Luke."
"Go on."
Leia exchanged a small glance with Luke, and some unseen communication seemed to pass between them. Leia smiled, then turned back to face Mon Mothma.
"It was done just after we were born, to keep us safe from Vader and the Emperor. Obi-Wan Kenobi took Luke to Tatooine to live with his Aunt and Uncle. I was adopted by Bail Organa. In a way, it's because of Vader that we met again. So now we're back together, as it should be."
Mon Mothma stared at Leia, the shock of this disclosure vying in her mind with something pushing at her subconscious, but refusing to come to the surface.
"You're sure of this?"
Leia gave a light laugh. "Oh yes. We're twins. The twins of Vader."
Again, that image of Anakin Skywalker came to Mon Mothma's mind. He'd stood slightly diffidently, letting the Chancellor bask in the relief of the gathered senators. Misguided, all of them, but they'd not known that then. They'd started to move off towards the Senate building, but Skywalker had hung back slightly. Bail had spoken to him, issuing thanks from them all. Bail, who'd later adopted the daughter of that same Jedi. A Jedi with a secret. Her mind was doing calculations at light-speed. It can't have been long after those events that Luke and Leia were born, so Skywalker must've been...
"Dear gods..." The words were out before she could stop them, painful realization forcing the sounds from her lips.
"What?" Leia asked, her expression startled.
Mon Mothma shook her head. "Nothing. I'm sorry. So much to take in, that's all." She took a few steps back towards her desk, then turned round, a frown between her brows. A thought too awful to voice really, but hers was, after all, only second-hand knowledge. The reality could only have been devastating.
"Vader... your father... tortured you."
"He didn't know. I didn't know - not then," Leia said, as if this excused the atrocity of it all. "And it was before. When he was still... lost."
Mon Mothma sat down, feeling the onset of an exhaustion far beyond anything physical. "I think we've all said enough for now. We need to be careful about what we do. Just announcing this isn't the answer. But neither is keeping it a secret for much longer. We don't have anything to hide, and don't want it to appear that we do. It'll be worse if the information gets out in some other way, and it looks like we've been concealing it."
Han reacted angrily to her comment. "I thought the whole point of what we've been doing was so people could be seen as individuals again. Where's the freedom if you're taken down for something you've no control over?"
"You know things are seldom that clear-cut."
"I don't care what anyone thinks of me," Luke said. "But it's important they know it's safe. That I'm not gonna turn into another Vader overnight."
Well I care what people think!" Han retorted. "What're they gonna do? Forget everything you've done? If people wanna start spreading stupid stuff around, then they'd better know they'll have me to deal with." ...
...Mon Mothma shook her recollections aside with some self-derision. She'd spent so much time dwelling on the problem, but had still failed to come up with a satisfactory answer. So far, only a few knew the truth. Ackbar and Madine of course, but also the Rogues. Luke was very close to his team, and wanted nothing but honesty between them. The military leaders, although supportive, were still unhappy with the idea of going public with the information. They felt the galaxy wasn't ready for it, and if she was being honest, Mon Mothma agreed with them. But she also felt that the galaxy wouldn't condone what they'd see as further political subterfuge. The dilemma left Luke and Leia no further on.
***
"You didn't get back to me."
Leia shook herself awake and swiveled her chair around slowly. Han was leaning in the doorway, his expression betraying a knowledge of something more difficult to be dealt with than their argument of yesterday.
"It's the middle of the night," he continued. "Were you gonna stay here till morning just to avoid me?"
Leia raised her hands slightly in mute apology, slid out of her chair and moved to the front of her desk, conscious of the need to close the distance between them. Her limbs ached with weariness and her head felt heavy and dull from lack of proper sleep.
Han pushed off from the door frame, made his way across the room. He peered closely at her face, his frown showing his recognition of her exhaustion. "You've got a lot on your mind," he pointed out. "And I'm not helping."
"It's not your fault."
"Of course it's my fault. Don't try to make me feel better."
"No - I mean it. We're both to blame. We should be more honest with each other."
Han put his hands on Leia's shoulders. "I don't know what got into me last night, okay? Put it down to tiredness or somethin'."
Leia shook her head slightly. "This isn't about last night Han."
"What d'you mean?"
"I think you know."
Han stared back at her for a moment, then gave a short sigh. Releasing Leia's shoulders he paced over to the window and looked out across the duracrete. "I guess I thought we'd work it out."
"I think that's what we've been trying to do. But it's not really happening is it?" Leia said.
Han turned to face her. "Everyone goes through rough patches. Things aren't easy for us. We're both rushed off our feet - maybe we need to accept that a bit more."
"Things have never been easy. We can't use it as an excuse for what's happening between us. These days, it feels like... like we're always having to try too hard."
"I am trying hard - 'cause I don't wanna lose what we've got, and I don't wanna let you down."
"That's part of the problem. You never got the chance to make up your mind because I'd already made it up for you, and you wouldn't want to hurt me. Everything happened too fast. Afterwards, I should've given you the space to work it out for yourself."
"Hey - it wasn't like that," Han protested. "I wanted it that way too. And things've been good between us. I love you."
Leia walked over and touched her hand to Han's arm. "I know that. But we should've stuck at being happy with that. Not tried to make it into something it wasn't." She hesitated, wondering how much more she should say. "I don't want to lose your friendship..."
"Come on, that's never gonna..."
"Han - let me say what I need to say. Please?" Leia cut through his protest. "If we try to carry on with this as we are, it'll just get more difficult. We'll end up losing everything. I know you don't want to hurt me, and I know you'd stay with me just to prevent that. But it's missing the point."
"So what is the point? That you want it to be over?"
"It sounds so harsh when you put it like that. But I care too much about you to see you struggling with this conflict."
"Conflict? That ain't what I'd call it. Sure, I know something's changed, but we can sort it out. I don't want it to be over. Give me a chance to prove it."
"Then you'd be fooling yourself. Think about it Han - how much have things really changed?"
"I don't get you. You just said yourself-"
"No - I never said they'd changed. I said I pushed you into a relationship you weren't really sure about, and-"
"I was sure about it," Han interrupted, resentfully.
Leia ignored his objection and continued, "...that you were never fully involved in right from the start."
"That's not fair. I know I'm not perfect, but I've tried to do all the right things."
"But that's just it - don't you see? Of course you tried to do all the right things. You were doing them for me. But what about you?"
"I've already said I wanted those things too," Han insisted.
"But you weren't totally with me. You weren't then and you're not now. That first time we were together, I knew."
Han shook his head, his expression puzzled. "I don't understand."
"Don't misunderstand me - it was lovely. And special. But I knew straight away. I guess I just chose to ignore it."
"Knew what straight away? You're not makin' any sense."
"That I wasn't the one for you. I know it Han, because things between us have always been too..." Leia paused, shaking her head. "I can't think of the right word. Too considerate. Too civilized."
"What're you talkin' about?" Han sounded incredulous. "Too civilized? Are you sayin' things have to be uncivilized to be good?"
"No, they don't have to be like that. There's friendship, affection, trust... all those things matter as much as passion."
"We've got all those."
"And having a relationship based on them is fine - mostly. But then you're always going to be wondering - what if?"
"There ain't no 'what if'."
"Then you're cutting yourself off from a chance."
"A chance at what?"
"The sort of feelings I'm talking about. The sort that take over in seconds."
"Yeah - and burn themselves out just as quickly most likely. You're talkin' in clichés and life ain't like that."
"It's not a cliché when there's a whole basis of friendship and trust to build on. If you've got that, I'd say there was no choice."
Han stared back at her, uncertainty crossing his face, but failing to mask the dismay that flashed through his eyes. It wasn't there for long, and he did his best to hide it, but Leia had seen it and understood. She knew that she was walking dangerously close to a thin line that Han would've vowed not to cross. On the other side would be the difficult territory of feelings kept locked away - not to be released for fear of hurting her. That Han had discerned Leia's suspicions was obvious in the set of his jaw and the instinctive denial that stepped in to shutter his gaze.
Leia studied his face, all the contours so familiar to her now. Yet she'd never succeeded in truly reaching the man beneath. Regret simmered below the surface of calm, but she also felt relief that, in the end, the words had come so easily. She reached a hand up to stroke his cheek. "I love you too. Don't try to talk me out of it."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want it to come to this."
"I know."
And then, with no further warning, she stepped resolutely into the very heart of Han's predicament.
"It's Luke - isn't it?"
"No... I..." He raised a hand, then let it drop by his side, a gesture that acknowledged the futility of refutal. "I'm sorry," he said again.
Leia just nodded slowly, but didn't speak.
"He doesn't know."
"No," Leia agreed. "He'd have left by now if he did."
Han gave a vague nod of assent. He looked shaken, as if he didn't know where to begin in explaining things. Leia wanted to step in, to tell him there was no need, but it didn't seem fair. Han had the right to put his side of things too.
"Listen... let me explain," he said. "I never meant... I didn't expect it to happen. It's just kinda crept up on me. I don't know why."
"Oh Han - there are no logical reasons for things like this. They just happen. You can't stop them."
"Didn't wanna mess everything up. Didn't wanna hurt you."
"But there has to be honesty. It never would've worked out if we were just living a pretense."
Han shook his head. "There wasn't any pretense, you've gotta believe me. All the times we were together, I wasn't wonderin', you know...." he tailed off, discomfort radiating off him in waves.
Leia smiled at him, because she knew it was true. He wouldn't have been spending his time with her wishing he was with Luke, because he would've consciously closed off all thought along those lines. And Leia also knew how much of his behavior would've been governed by the trust Luke had in him. Han would've considered his feelings to be a betrayal, not just of Leia, but of Luke too.
"I know that," she said. "I don't blame you for it. I should've accepted it sooner. Maybe I pretended not to see all the signs."
Han gave a small grimace. "I've made a goddamn mess of everything."
"It's not just down to you. Things will work themselves out somehow - they usually do."
"I doubt it," Han muttered. He hesitated a moment. "What's gonna happen now?"
For the first time, uneasiness fluttered inside her. "I don't want to stay in the apartment. I'm going to move over to the south wing. Mon Mothma's over there too."
"Oh? Sounds like you've been thinking about this for a while." Han's voice was too carefully even, leveling out the hurt that lurked beneath his words.
Leia sighed. "Yes, but I wasn't keeping it from you intentionally. I hadn't even thought it out properly until tonight." She bit her lip, thrown into uncertainty by Han's belief that she'd planned it all out behind his back. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It crossed my mind to wonder where to go if... if things went wrong."
"You didn't mean to hurt me?" Han repeated, bemused. "I'm the one doin' all the hurtin'. Ain't got a right to expect anything."
She touched Han's cheek again. "Yes you have. We both have. We kept this from each other for all the right reasons, but they were all the wrong reasons too."
Han didn't reply. He took hold of her other hand and gripped it hard. Despite his distress, Leia could sense something else within Han. It wasn't quite relief, because it was far too soon for Han to realize they were doing the only thing possible in the circumstances. But it amounted to an easing of an inner tension - the kind that came from suppressing too much for too long.
"Are you going to talk to him?" Leia asked eventually.
"Would you rather I told him?" Han replied. He seemed to catch himself, and hurried to qualify his answer. "I mean, about us splitting up. Obviously I'm not gonna tell him anything else."
"I meant will you tell him how you feel?"
Han looked aghast. "Of course I'm not gonna tell him that. I know I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy."
Leia looked at him, amusement bubbling up inside despite everything. "What's so crazy about it?"
"Everything. He cares a lot about you. The last thing he'll want is to see you hurt, and if he knew the reason why..."
"The last thing he'd want would be for us to carry on living a lie. And he cares a lot for you too. Probably much more than you realize."
"Yeah, well messin' his sister around will be pushing things too far. 'Sides, you said yourself he'd want to get away from me if he knew."
"I never said that, you dolt," Leia laughed. "I meant he'd have left before if he thought he might end up splitting us up. He'd have taken himself out of the equation, because that's him. I don't mean he'd have run away because of the way you feel about him."
chapter 5
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 4
"I've held on to him for longer than I expected," Admiral Ackbar acknowledged. "I know he has other responsibilities. I don't intend to monopolize him."
"But he'll only be happy if he knows you've agreed. I can't say how long he'll be gone," Mon Mothma replied. "Will it jeopardize his place in the squadron?"
Ackbar's gruff voice came back quickly. "There's a place for him with the Rogues as long as he wants it. Antilles has joint command now, so the squad won't be leaderless. But why do you think he'll be gone for any length of time? It's only a few days' flight there and back."
Mon Mothma studied Ackbar's image on the screen for a few seconds before replying. "I don't know. I'm sure he won't be gone long. I've just got a feeling about the place."
"A bad feeling?" The Admiral sounded concerned.
"No - nothing like that. I can't explain it. I just have this strange idea that things might be about to break."
"You're talking about Vader?"
"When it happens, you know it'd be better coming directly from us."
"Don't you mean if it happens?" Ackbar grunted.
After signing off, Mon Mothma sat for a few moments gazing at the screen. She wondered, not for the first time, if part of setting the past to rights should involve making the truth known to all. But still, even after all these weeks, her mind balked at the prospect.
It was a very big problem, despite the reassurances she'd given Luke and Leia at the time. There was a huge difference between convincing a few key leaders of the Alliance that their trust in Luke and Leia was justified, and convincing a host of worlds newly freed from the tyranny of the Emperor and Darth Vader. After all, Palpatine's rise to power had taken years of careful planning and patience on his part. He'd insinuated himself into galactic favor, appearing both as the sole voice of reason in an increasingly unruly and fractured Senate, and a restorer of peace instrumental in ending the Clone Wars.
The galaxy, with few exceptions at first, had placed its confidence in Palpatine, and look where it'd got them. To turn round now and expect it to trust the offspring of Vader might be a step too far for some. Especially those with first-hand experience of Vader's brutality. For those that didn't know either Luke or Leia, and had no idea of the sacrifices both had made, there was little tangible reason to believe in them.
Yet the other alternative, keeping the relationship under wraps indefinitely, was unthinkable. In already allowing so much time to pass, she was placing them all at risk. Without an open and honest approach, they'd simply be handing ammunition to the detractors who'd come crawling out of the woodwork if they ever learned the truth. It all made her head spin, but she felt the responsibility was hers. She was guilty of postponing it, but she had no intention of evading it, nor of leaving Luke and Leia to fend for themselves. Besides, the Alliance couldn't do without them, and should be thanking the stars for its good fortune in having their help.
Mon Mothma ran a hand over her face with familiar weariness. Nobody had expected anything to be easy after Endor, but it seemed particularly unfair that two of the Alliance's most treasured members, both of whom had given so much of themselves to the cause, should be living under such a cloud of uncertainty. The knowledge had existed as a small shadow in Mon Mothma's mind ever since the day they'd come to see her, bearing a truth that threw everything into a different light.
They'd turned up in a group, probably for the mutual strength and support each other offered. But Mon Mothma had been startled by their need for solidarity. It had struck her as slightly off-key, and for a group of people who'd been instrumental in the overthrow of the galaxy's most hated dictator, they hadn't looked in a mood for celebration...
..."We must seem like a mob," Leia said, her smile offering an apology that did little to offset the strangeness of their appearance.
"A little," Mon Mothma conceded. She studied the five of them curiously. Luke and Leia stood side-by-side, leaning slightly against each other. Both looked drawn and tired, understandably, but there was something else there that Mon Mothma couldn't pinpoint. It was almost like wariness. Han stood directly behind them, his stance coming across as overtly protective. And then there was Chewbacca, looking loosely threatening, leaning back against the door and effectively preventing anyone else from entering. Finally, Lando stood slightly apart from the others, his expression challenging, as if in anticipation of trouble.
"You need to see me about something?"
"What do you know about the Jedi?" Leia asked.
Surprised, Mon Mothma shrugged. "Why are you asking me? Isn't Luke better able to answer that?"
"I mean, from the early days. Before the Empire."
"I don't know any more than anyone else did. They worked with the Senate on Coruscant, but they were independent. Their own Council dealt with Jedi affairs - I had no involvement in it."
"You knew Darth Vader?"
"You know I did. Everyone actively involved in the Senate knew Vader. He came to most of the meetings, always at the Emperor's side. You can't have forgotten - you used to be a part of that."
"No, I haven't forgotten. That wasn't really what I meant."
Mon Mothma said nothing, confused with the direction the conversation was taking.
"I meant," Leia explained, "did you know him?"
"He spoke to me on a few occasions. But only because I had a reputation as outspoken. He warned me that stirring up unrest would be considered treason, but I never gave him a reason to have me arrested."
"Did my father... did Bail Organa ever speak of him to you?"
Why the unnecessary qualification, Mon Mothma wondered? "Many times, obviously. Vader was one of the Alliance's primary targets. As he was to you all. What exactly is it you're asking me? I'd have thought you've all had more personal contact with Vader than I ever did." That Vader should be a preoccupation of theirs was hardly surprising, given what he'd managed to do to them all, both individually and collectively, but the line of questioning seemed odd.
Luke spoke for the first time. "Vader was a Jedi, before the Emperor twisted his mind."
Mon Mothma studied Luke. "I know. Bail told me that. But surely you're not asking me if I trust you? Just because Vader turned evil, doesn't mean I hold that opinion about the Jedi as a whole, whatever lies Palpatine put about during the purge."
"I don't know anything about what happened then - or what the Emperor said about the Jedi. This is something... more personal."
"Oh?" Mon Mothma frowned, no clearer over what Luke was talking about. And then, unbidden, an image came into her mind. It was going back well over 20 years - towards the end of the Clone Wars. She saw the Chancellor, smiling and relieved, returned safely to Coruscant after a kidnapping attempt. And with him, a little shy but proud and happy, was one of the Jedi who'd brought him back. Master Kenobi's apprentice.
"Skywalker," she said slowly. "He was one of the Jedi from the old days." The name had never fully registered with her until now - it was simply part of one of the hundreds of memories from those traumatic times. She remembered how she'd felt the vaguest pinprick of recollection when she'd first heard Luke's name, but she'd never thought to delve more deeply into it. From Luke's expression, it was obvious that she'd touched on the subject Luke was referring to. And if Luke was asking about the past from a personal standpoint, presumably there was more than just coincidence at play. "Are you connected to him in some way?"
"He was my father."
Taken aback, Mon Mothma stared at Luke. "But, surely...? The Jedi weren't allowed to..." She hesitated, uncertain how much of anything Luke knew about the restrictions of the old Jedi order.
"I don't know anything of old Jedi rules and regulations," Luke said, answering her dilemma. "But I know that it's a fact."
"Then I'm very sorry. You must have been only a baby during the purge. Did Vader kill him? Is that what you're hoping I can shed light on?"
Luke shook his head, a trace of grim amusement flitting over his features for a moment. "He didn't die during the purge. He died saving me from the Emperor."
The slow creep of a horrible understanding edged itself into her mind. "Then..." she started, but found herself unable to say more. She noticed that Leia had taken hold of Luke's hand, gripping it with an intensity that spoke of a knowledge almost too shocking to comprehend.
"Yes, Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. I'm Vader's son," Luke said flatly.
And she could see the truth of it then. It was there in the pain that shadowed Luke's eyes, and there in the instinctive actions of the others, who'd moved subtly but unmistakably closer to Luke. And it was there as an explanation of the troubled introspection she'd often seen, and worried over, in Luke. But knowing was one thing. Understanding was another, and she doubted she could come close to appreciating just what such awareness must mean to Luke. She moved across the room, numbly touching her fingers to Luke's arm.
"Right now, I've no idea what to say," she admitted, her voice sounding strange and forced to her own ears. "Anything is going to sound inadequate."
Any horror she may have felt was overridden with a sharp concern. She examined Luke's face, noting the pallor of exhaustion that came from more than physical tiredness. "Give me some time to deal with this?"
Luke nodded. "I understand."
"It's not like that. Don't ever think you don't have my trust and support. I just need to take it all in. Have you always known?"
Luke gave a wry smile. "No."
"Vader told him on Bespin," Han cut in, his voice harsh with undercurrents of anger and bitterness. "Of course, he didn't give him the good news right away. Waited till he'd cut off his hand, then gave him a choice of either death or joining him in some cute family reunion."
Mon Mothma closed her eyes briefly. She'd known, of course, the basic facts over what had transpired at Cloud City, but hadn't begun to envision the true reasons that lay behind it all. And she'd certainly had no concept of the full horror of it.
She forced words to her lips. "I can't tell you that I can imagine how it's been for you, because I can't. But it must've been a very difficult decision. To come back, after Cloud City. To face Vader again."
"It'll sound strange," Luke said, "but it wasn't. Really, there was no decision to make. I was sure that Anakin was still there inside Vader, and I had to know for certain. So I could bring him back."
"I hope you feel it was worth it."
"Worth it?" Han snapped. "What d'you mean by that? Worth it to him, or worth it to us? He gets himself taken to the Emperor, forced to fight his own father, then chose to die instead 'cause he stood by what he believed in. Because of Luke, Vader didn't just turn back, he killed the goddamn Emperor too. All that's worth quite a bit to me." Han had placed a hand on Luke's shoulder, and Mon Mothma noted how his knuckles had turned white with the force of his grip.
"Han-" Luke started, but Mon Mothma interrupted.
"You're jumping to the wrong conclusions Han. I'm not implying any criticism, and we all owe Luke more than we can ever repay, even though I doubt he'll see it like that." She smiled at Luke, conscious of the need to set everyone's minds at ease. Han's edginess was infectious, and she could see in Chewbacca's restlessness and Lando's wary vigilance that they'd expected to have to argue their case in defense of Luke. "I can't fully understand everything Luke means, but I recognize - and relate to - the motivation behind it."
She addressed Luke again directly. "What you achieved was extraordinary. All I meant was that I hope for your sake the price hasn't been too high. What you deserve, more than anything, is peace of mind. And I'm not convinced you have that."
Han was the first to break the short silence that followed her remark, but his words sounded more like an effort to convince himself. "It's early days yet. As long as we all pull together, everything's gonna work out." His voice took on a familiar, challenging, edge. "For one thing, you say he's got your support - but what about the rest of 'em?"
Luke touched his own hand briefly to Han's, which still rested on his shoulder, and Mon Mothma wondered at the connection that seemed to flow between the two friends. Visibly, Han barely changed, but it seemed as though that small moment of contact altered his whole demeanor in a manner that defied interpretation.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Mon Mothma said, with a reassurance that she didn't entirely feel. "Just give me some time to let this sink in, and I'll think of the best way to approach matters. I'll have a private word with Madine and Ackbar first. I hope I don't need to tell you they'll be sympathetic."
"You don't know that," Leia put in. "It'll be a shock to them. They might consider us to be a security risk."
"After what you've all done? I doubt it. I agree it'll be a shock, but we've dealt with enough of those between us to cope with another."
"We haven't told you everything yet."
"Oh?" Mon Mothma cast Leia a quizzical look.
"It's about Vader. And me and Luke."
"Go on."
Leia exchanged a small glance with Luke, and some unseen communication seemed to pass between them. Leia smiled, then turned back to face Mon Mothma.
"It was done just after we were born, to keep us safe from Vader and the Emperor. Obi-Wan Kenobi took Luke to Tatooine to live with his Aunt and Uncle. I was adopted by Bail Organa. In a way, it's because of Vader that we met again. So now we're back together, as it should be."
Mon Mothma stared at Leia, the shock of this disclosure vying in her mind with something pushing at her subconscious, but refusing to come to the surface.
"You're sure of this?"
Leia gave a light laugh. "Oh yes. We're twins. The twins of Vader."
Again, that image of Anakin Skywalker came to Mon Mothma's mind. He'd stood slightly diffidently, letting the Chancellor bask in the relief of the gathered senators. Misguided, all of them, but they'd not known that then. They'd started to move off towards the Senate building, but Skywalker had hung back slightly. Bail had spoken to him, issuing thanks from them all. Bail, who'd later adopted the daughter of that same Jedi. A Jedi with a secret. Her mind was doing calculations at light-speed. It can't have been long after those events that Luke and Leia were born, so Skywalker must've been...
"Dear gods..." The words were out before she could stop them, painful realization forcing the sounds from her lips.
"What?" Leia asked, her expression startled.
Mon Mothma shook her head. "Nothing. I'm sorry. So much to take in, that's all." She took a few steps back towards her desk, then turned round, a frown between her brows. A thought too awful to voice really, but hers was, after all, only second-hand knowledge. The reality could only have been devastating.
"Vader... your father... tortured you."
"He didn't know. I didn't know - not then," Leia said, as if this excused the atrocity of it all. "And it was before. When he was still... lost."
Mon Mothma sat down, feeling the onset of an exhaustion far beyond anything physical. "I think we've all said enough for now. We need to be careful about what we do. Just announcing this isn't the answer. But neither is keeping it a secret for much longer. We don't have anything to hide, and don't want it to appear that we do. It'll be worse if the information gets out in some other way, and it looks like we've been concealing it."
Han reacted angrily to her comment. "I thought the whole point of what we've been doing was so people could be seen as individuals again. Where's the freedom if you're taken down for something you've no control over?"
"You know things are seldom that clear-cut."
"I don't care what anyone thinks of me," Luke said. "But it's important they know it's safe. That I'm not gonna turn into another Vader overnight."
Well I care what people think!" Han retorted. "What're they gonna do? Forget everything you've done? If people wanna start spreading stupid stuff around, then they'd better know they'll have me to deal with." ...
...Mon Mothma shook her recollections aside with some self-derision. She'd spent so much time dwelling on the problem, but had still failed to come up with a satisfactory answer. So far, only a few knew the truth. Ackbar and Madine of course, but also the Rogues. Luke was very close to his team, and wanted nothing but honesty between them. The military leaders, although supportive, were still unhappy with the idea of going public with the information. They felt the galaxy wasn't ready for it, and if she was being honest, Mon Mothma agreed with them. But she also felt that the galaxy wouldn't condone what they'd see as further political subterfuge. The dilemma left Luke and Leia no further on.
***
"You didn't get back to me."
Leia shook herself awake and swiveled her chair around slowly. Han was leaning in the doorway, his expression betraying a knowledge of something more difficult to be dealt with than their argument of yesterday.
"It's the middle of the night," he continued. "Were you gonna stay here till morning just to avoid me?"
Leia raised her hands slightly in mute apology, slid out of her chair and moved to the front of her desk, conscious of the need to close the distance between them. Her limbs ached with weariness and her head felt heavy and dull from lack of proper sleep.
Han pushed off from the door frame, made his way across the room. He peered closely at her face, his frown showing his recognition of her exhaustion. "You've got a lot on your mind," he pointed out. "And I'm not helping."
"It's not your fault."
"Of course it's my fault. Don't try to make me feel better."
"No - I mean it. We're both to blame. We should be more honest with each other."
Han put his hands on Leia's shoulders. "I don't know what got into me last night, okay? Put it down to tiredness or somethin'."
Leia shook her head slightly. "This isn't about last night Han."
"What d'you mean?"
"I think you know."
Han stared back at her for a moment, then gave a short sigh. Releasing Leia's shoulders he paced over to the window and looked out across the duracrete. "I guess I thought we'd work it out."
"I think that's what we've been trying to do. But it's not really happening is it?" Leia said.
Han turned to face her. "Everyone goes through rough patches. Things aren't easy for us. We're both rushed off our feet - maybe we need to accept that a bit more."
"Things have never been easy. We can't use it as an excuse for what's happening between us. These days, it feels like... like we're always having to try too hard."
"I am trying hard - 'cause I don't wanna lose what we've got, and I don't wanna let you down."
"That's part of the problem. You never got the chance to make up your mind because I'd already made it up for you, and you wouldn't want to hurt me. Everything happened too fast. Afterwards, I should've given you the space to work it out for yourself."
"Hey - it wasn't like that," Han protested. "I wanted it that way too. And things've been good between us. I love you."
Leia walked over and touched her hand to Han's arm. "I know that. But we should've stuck at being happy with that. Not tried to make it into something it wasn't." She hesitated, wondering how much more she should say. "I don't want to lose your friendship..."
"Come on, that's never gonna..."
"Han - let me say what I need to say. Please?" Leia cut through his protest. "If we try to carry on with this as we are, it'll just get more difficult. We'll end up losing everything. I know you don't want to hurt me, and I know you'd stay with me just to prevent that. But it's missing the point."
"So what is the point? That you want it to be over?"
"It sounds so harsh when you put it like that. But I care too much about you to see you struggling with this conflict."
"Conflict? That ain't what I'd call it. Sure, I know something's changed, but we can sort it out. I don't want it to be over. Give me a chance to prove it."
"Then you'd be fooling yourself. Think about it Han - how much have things really changed?"
"I don't get you. You just said yourself-"
"No - I never said they'd changed. I said I pushed you into a relationship you weren't really sure about, and-"
"I was sure about it," Han interrupted, resentfully.
Leia ignored his objection and continued, "...that you were never fully involved in right from the start."
"That's not fair. I know I'm not perfect, but I've tried to do all the right things."
"But that's just it - don't you see? Of course you tried to do all the right things. You were doing them for me. But what about you?"
"I've already said I wanted those things too," Han insisted.
"But you weren't totally with me. You weren't then and you're not now. That first time we were together, I knew."
Han shook his head, his expression puzzled. "I don't understand."
"Don't misunderstand me - it was lovely. And special. But I knew straight away. I guess I just chose to ignore it."
"Knew what straight away? You're not makin' any sense."
"That I wasn't the one for you. I know it Han, because things between us have always been too..." Leia paused, shaking her head. "I can't think of the right word. Too considerate. Too civilized."
"What're you talkin' about?" Han sounded incredulous. "Too civilized? Are you sayin' things have to be uncivilized to be good?"
"No, they don't have to be like that. There's friendship, affection, trust... all those things matter as much as passion."
"We've got all those."
"And having a relationship based on them is fine - mostly. But then you're always going to be wondering - what if?"
"There ain't no 'what if'."
"Then you're cutting yourself off from a chance."
"A chance at what?"
"The sort of feelings I'm talking about. The sort that take over in seconds."
"Yeah - and burn themselves out just as quickly most likely. You're talkin' in clichés and life ain't like that."
"It's not a cliché when there's a whole basis of friendship and trust to build on. If you've got that, I'd say there was no choice."
Han stared back at her, uncertainty crossing his face, but failing to mask the dismay that flashed through his eyes. It wasn't there for long, and he did his best to hide it, but Leia had seen it and understood. She knew that she was walking dangerously close to a thin line that Han would've vowed not to cross. On the other side would be the difficult territory of feelings kept locked away - not to be released for fear of hurting her. That Han had discerned Leia's suspicions was obvious in the set of his jaw and the instinctive denial that stepped in to shutter his gaze.
Leia studied his face, all the contours so familiar to her now. Yet she'd never succeeded in truly reaching the man beneath. Regret simmered below the surface of calm, but she also felt relief that, in the end, the words had come so easily. She reached a hand up to stroke his cheek. "I love you too. Don't try to talk me out of it."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want it to come to this."
"I know."
And then, with no further warning, she stepped resolutely into the very heart of Han's predicament.
"It's Luke - isn't it?"
"No... I..." He raised a hand, then let it drop by his side, a gesture that acknowledged the futility of refutal. "I'm sorry," he said again.
Leia just nodded slowly, but didn't speak.
"He doesn't know."
"No," Leia agreed. "He'd have left by now if he did."
Han gave a vague nod of assent. He looked shaken, as if he didn't know where to begin in explaining things. Leia wanted to step in, to tell him there was no need, but it didn't seem fair. Han had the right to put his side of things too.
"Listen... let me explain," he said. "I never meant... I didn't expect it to happen. It's just kinda crept up on me. I don't know why."
"Oh Han - there are no logical reasons for things like this. They just happen. You can't stop them."
"Didn't wanna mess everything up. Didn't wanna hurt you."
"But there has to be honesty. It never would've worked out if we were just living a pretense."
Han shook his head. "There wasn't any pretense, you've gotta believe me. All the times we were together, I wasn't wonderin', you know...." he tailed off, discomfort radiating off him in waves.
Leia smiled at him, because she knew it was true. He wouldn't have been spending his time with her wishing he was with Luke, because he would've consciously closed off all thought along those lines. And Leia also knew how much of his behavior would've been governed by the trust Luke had in him. Han would've considered his feelings to be a betrayal, not just of Leia, but of Luke too.
"I know that," she said. "I don't blame you for it. I should've accepted it sooner. Maybe I pretended not to see all the signs."
Han gave a small grimace. "I've made a goddamn mess of everything."
"It's not just down to you. Things will work themselves out somehow - they usually do."
"I doubt it," Han muttered. He hesitated a moment. "What's gonna happen now?"
For the first time, uneasiness fluttered inside her. "I don't want to stay in the apartment. I'm going to move over to the south wing. Mon Mothma's over there too."
"Oh? Sounds like you've been thinking about this for a while." Han's voice was too carefully even, leveling out the hurt that lurked beneath his words.
Leia sighed. "Yes, but I wasn't keeping it from you intentionally. I hadn't even thought it out properly until tonight." She bit her lip, thrown into uncertainty by Han's belief that she'd planned it all out behind his back. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It crossed my mind to wonder where to go if... if things went wrong."
"You didn't mean to hurt me?" Han repeated, bemused. "I'm the one doin' all the hurtin'. Ain't got a right to expect anything."
She touched Han's cheek again. "Yes you have. We both have. We kept this from each other for all the right reasons, but they were all the wrong reasons too."
Han didn't reply. He took hold of her other hand and gripped it hard. Despite his distress, Leia could sense something else within Han. It wasn't quite relief, because it was far too soon for Han to realize they were doing the only thing possible in the circumstances. But it amounted to an easing of an inner tension - the kind that came from suppressing too much for too long.
"Are you going to talk to him?" Leia asked eventually.
"Would you rather I told him?" Han replied. He seemed to catch himself, and hurried to qualify his answer. "I mean, about us splitting up. Obviously I'm not gonna tell him anything else."
"I meant will you tell him how you feel?"
Han looked aghast. "Of course I'm not gonna tell him that. I know I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy."
Leia looked at him, amusement bubbling up inside despite everything. "What's so crazy about it?"
"Everything. He cares a lot about you. The last thing he'll want is to see you hurt, and if he knew the reason why..."
"The last thing he'd want would be for us to carry on living a lie. And he cares a lot for you too. Probably much more than you realize."
"Yeah, well messin' his sister around will be pushing things too far. 'Sides, you said yourself he'd want to get away from me if he knew."
"I never said that, you dolt," Leia laughed. "I meant he'd have left before if he thought he might end up splitting us up. He'd have taken himself out of the equation, because that's him. I don't mean he'd have run away because of the way you feel about him."
chapter 5