Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 5
Title: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 5
The following afternoon, Luke was back at the disused warehouses. He'd spent the morning in Jira, discussing the proposed land clearance with Lando's contact. He'd had some success and Creggan was willing to help. He'd asked Luke for rough plans, so he could decide which of his machines would best suit the Alliance. Luke had offered to take the measurements, but was going to leave Lando in charge of organizing the rest of it. But despite the fact he'd been there for over an hour, he hadn't even opened the datapad he'd brought along for the task. Drawn to the emptiness of the place, he'd allowed his thoughts to take over, and, as they so often did, they took him back to Endor.
Ben had told him that Yoda would always be with him, but in reality, what had that meant? He'd expected guidance, but all he'd had was silence. That night in Endor, amidst the laughter and music, he'd exchanged his last look with those who'd played such a pivotal role in his life. They'd said nothing to him, but their smiles had implied something more valuable than words. And there'd been a tangible bond between the three of them, Obi-Wan, Yoda and his father. Reunited in the Force, secure in the strength of their combined joy over what had transpired.
But Luke had been on the outside, able to feel their pride and happiness, but unable to share in the memories that made their reunion so precious. Because Ben had told him virtually nothing. Only the bare facts - and then so few of those. He had so many questions, but now nobody was around to answer them.
Had Ben meant that Yoda would be with him only in his memories? That the training he'd instilled in Luke was his way of remaining permanently with him? He'd already learned the hard way that Ben's words could be interpreted in several ways, and not all of them were easy to understand. Ben and Yoda had picked him up, worked on all his anger and impatience until they took on new meanings, and given him the key to unlock a life hugely removed from anything that'd gone before. And now they'd left it entirely up to him to determine the way forward.
It felt to Luke like another bereavement. The shock of Ben's death, so soon after the murders of Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, had left him with a feeling of isolation which intensified the pain of loss. He'd flung himself straight into battle, the image of the smoking remains of his home, and the sight of his Aunt and Uncle's bodies, permanently imprinted in his head.
But then he'd discovered that Ben had never really left him. It put a new interpretation on death, confirmed by Yoda's dying words on Dagobah. Yoda had once told Luke that he needed to accept the fact of death, including the possibility of the deaths of his friends. It was another way of freeing himself from the ties of human emotion. But Luke had never achieved that so-called freedom, and wasn't even sure if he wished to. But he did realize that what he wanted to do, and what he ought to do, were most likely very different. Especially from Yoda's point of view.
And now Ben had left him again - and this time it felt like it could be permanent. He wondered if it might be a test, designed to prove that he'd conquered any misguided feelings of grief. If it was a test, he'd failed it on two counts. First, for feeling yet again the emptiness left by death, and secondly, for allowing himself to get angry over the whole business. Because sometimes it felt like Ben had played with his emotions, appearing and disappearing with no regard for how Luke might feel about it. He sighed inwardly, then purposefully switched on the datapad. Time to work.
The crunch of rubble underfoot made him look up almost immediately. The approaching person wasn't visible yet, but Luke knew who it was, and the knowledge lifted his spirits instantly.
He was already smiling when Han finally made it into the first warehouse.
"I'm never gonna be able to sneak up on you," Han complained.
"Why, d'you want to?" Luke asked, throwing him a grin. "It's not as though I'm ever doing anything interesting."
"What are you doing?"
"Making plans for Lando."
"Huh! I've got a few plans for him, but probably not what you meant."
"You've not fallen out again?" Luke asked, with mild exasperation.
"No more than usual. What plans anyway?" Han moved over to study Luke's datapad. "Doesn't look like you've done very much."
"No. I got distracted."
Han looked at him for a moment. "Don't tell me - you've been walkin' around thinking again. What was it this time?"
Luke gave an apologetic smile. "The future again. And Ben and Yoda. I wish I knew what it is they expect of me. I mean, should I be trying to reestablish some sort of Jedi council? Is that what they'd want me to do?"
"If they were here now, to ask, what d'you think they'd say?"
"They'd tell me to trust my feelings."
Han shrugged. "Seems fair enough to me."
"I'm glad it seems so simple to you."
"Hey - the way I look at it, nothing's simple with you," Han grinned. "But maybe it is that straightforward. If they really wanted you to do things a certain way, don't you think they'd be hangin' around harassing you about it?"
"Well, that's one way of looking at it I guess."
"So what are your feelings about it? Do you wanna set up some kinda council? Go searching for more Jedi - if there are any to find?"
Han's words were simple enough, and the subject matter one they'd broached several times before, but this time Luke sensed something more complex behind the questioning. A sort of confusion, and maybe sadness too. If that was the case, it found a reflection within himself, because effectively what they were discussing was change. A future that by definition could force them to go their separate ways. He chose his words carefully, delivering them with a casualness that offset the fundamental seriousness of it all. "I feel torn in several directions."
"Go on."
"Part of me thinks I've got a duty to do it. To try to set something up. I've been given this ability and maybe it's wrong to keep it to myself."
"You don't keep it to yourself," Han protested. "What kinda thinking's that? All you've done so far is work non-stop tryin' to help everywhere you can."
"I mean, should I be passing the training on to others? Keep it going?"
"There's Leia."
Luke nodded. "I know. But her future seems clearer than mine. She's carrying on doing what she's always done, but with this extra side to her life. And she's needed here."
"You're needed here."
"But there are others like me, who could take over the things I do for the Alliance."
Han shook his head. "You're wrong. There's no-one like you here." He moved away, ostensibly to examine the stability of a sagging door frame, but Luke could detect an underlying awkwardness, as though Han had said more than he should.
He walked over to join Han in the doorway. "I still feel committed to the Alliance and all we're trying to do. But there are other things to consider."
Han looked at him, his expression guarded. "I know that. But why can't you do both? I mean, does the Jedi thing have to be separate from everything else? Didn't they fight in wars too? In the stories I've heard they did."
"Yes, they did. Ben told me he fought in the Clone Wars with my father. But from what I've picked up, they were also independent. Not linked to any political factions."
"Neither are we. We're not a government - we're just tryin' to make sure people get the right to run their own lives. What you do towards that counts for a lot. It matters to people too - that you're here."
They wandered out of the building into a scrubby enclosure that once housed the camp's training circuits. Very little remained of these now, just the odd ditch from crawl-unders and a few durasteel posts that once held pulleys.
"So what are all these other directions you're torn in?" Han asked, resuming the thread of their conversation.
Luke sighed, because explaining it was difficult, especially as he wasn't even clear in his own mind. "The only two Jedi I've ever really known have been Ben and Yoda. They were both... alone."
Han looked at him sharply. "That wasn't part of being a Jedi - they were in hiding. And Ben was watching over you."
"But what if it is part of being a Jedi? What if it's necessary to be apart from others?"
"Why?"
"Because there's a danger in being close to people. Of all the things that Yoda taught me, one thing that really sticks out is that he always said I had to clear my mind. Only then would I know what was right and what was wrong. But a lot of what I've done has been instinctive. Going to Cloud City went against everything he'd told me I should do."
"There was a lot more at stake then. You just didn't know about it. But Yoda knew and he was trying to protect you, 'cause he didn't think you were ready. Least, that's how I read it."
"There's more to it than just Yoda's advice. I've been thinking a lot about it in the past few weeks." Luke adopted a more cautious tone. "Especially about my father."
"Well, it's easy to see why," Han muttered.
"About why he turned. The real reasons behind it."
Han kicked aside a jagged fragment of durasteel. "If you're still worried you're gonna end up like him, forget it. You ain't like him."
"How d'you know? How do any of us know? The only people who were in a position to judge that are Yoda and Ben. And Yoda told me I was like my father."
"Sure - but he was talking about little things, not the whole picture. And that was before your training. Before you knew the truth."
"He told me I had a lot of anger in me, like my father."
"That wasn't a bad thing for Ben and Yoda."
"Why d'you say that?"
"Obvious ain't it? You were angry when you left Tatooine. Heading for Alderaan and leaving behind your dead aunt and uncle. Pretty handy for Ben that you got to see first-hand what the Empire was really about."
"You're saying Ben used my anger?"
"You know he did. He encouraged it - even gettin' himself killed in front of you."
They picked their way carefully across the enclosure, wary of the ground's hidden irregularities and buried debris.
"When I found out the truth it felt like Ben had manipulated me. Tricked me almost," Luke admitted. "Even though I could see his reasons, I couldn't come to terms with it straight away. Perhaps that's what my problem is - I always have to argue the case. Can't just accept things as being right. I've never really become the calm, passive person Yoda told me I should be."
"Hey - passivity let the Empire take over in the first place. You make your own mind up about what you think's right and that seems like a good thing to me. And maybe I don't know much about all the weird stuff, but I've done a lot of thinking too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really," Han said. "And I don't mean worrying that you're gonna turn into another Vader."
"So what have you been thinking about?"
"About how to stop you worrying about it. The way I see it, it doesn't come down to whether or not you're angry or frightened, or whatever. It comes down to whether or not you accept those feelings and deal with 'em. It's a choice you make. I mean, take you and Vader."
"Okay..."
"You were both trained in pretty much the same things I'd guess, although Vader's might've been more formal."
"And for a longer time," Luke added.
"Right. That makes what I'm gonna say even more important. The main thing is Vader would've known, just like you do, that there are two different sides and if you make the wrong choice, you're gonna be in trouble. We don't know what happened to him, but he ended up makin' that wrong choice. But you didn't. You decided you'd rather die than end up the same as Vader."
"Because the evidence of what I'd become if I did was right there in front of me. Maybe Vader didn't have that - maybe the choice wasn't so clear-cut."
"And maybe he chose that side because he wanted to."
"I don't think so. He'd been taken in by the Emperor - I'm sure of it. It was the words Palpatine used. He told me Vader was 'his'. Like a possession. He owned him and controlled him. The good part was so deeply buried he'd lost sight of it completely."
"Until you brought it back."
Luke studied Han for a few moments, recalling the shock of realization that had swept through him as he'd stood over the defeated Vader. Part thrill, and part dread. A paradox, both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. He tried to put it into words, knowing none would ever be adequate.
"It was frightening - that power. Even though it was there for just a few moments I could feel its strength. It was like a drug. There was an unstoppable force at my fingertips, right there for the taking if I wanted it. It's easy to understand how it could take over."
"The point is, it didn't take you over," Han argued. "You felt it, but your instincts against it were stronger, and that's what I'm talkin' about. That anger, fear, whatever - you controlled it 'cause you're stronger than Vader was."
"Maybe Vader thought he was strong once. Maybe he'd been in a similar situation and fought free of it before. Perhaps he let his defenses down too much. I don't want to get complacent about it."
"Huh," Han grunted. "That's one thing you'll never be. 'Sides, you told me it was all about takin' a quick and easy path to get what you want. So there you have it."
Luke shook his head, puzzled. "What're you talking about?"
"Say there are two ways of doing something, and you gotta choose one. The first's easy - you just go 'n do it. The other way, you gotta sit down and think about it, turn it over in your mind, pull it apart to see all sides to it, lose days of sleep over it, and think of all the consequences it might have for everyone else, and then maybe you'll make a choice."
"Are you trying to tell me I can't make decisions?" Luke grinned.
"Prevarication's my middle name," Han said, "but you got it down to a fine art."
Luke laughed. Most of the time, it was the opposite of the truth, and they both knew it. Luke's whole life, from agreeing to take Ben to Anchorhead up to the present moment, had been a constant series of what Yoda would've termed 'reckless' decisions. But in other respects Han was right. When it came to decisions that affected Luke on a more personal level, his approach was entirely different, consumed as it was by worry over the hypothetical repercussions for everyone else.
"Remember when we went to see Mon Mothma?" Luke asked, after a short pause. "To tell her about Vader?"
Han nodded.
"Well she knows something more about the past."
"Yeah, I thought the same thing."
"I need to know as much as I can. I want to know what happened."
"She's not gonna know that - she was shocked 'cause she remembered Anakin as a Jedi. She didn't know he'd ended up as Vader, so she's not gonna be able to tell you what made him turn. Probably nobody can."
"I know - I don't mean about that. But discovering Vader's identity wasn't the only thing she was shocked about."
"What d'you mean?"
"She was surprised because it shouldn't have happened. D'you remember what she said? 'The Jedi weren't allowed to...' "
"Yeah, but weren't allowed to do what? Fall in love? Have sex? Have kids?"
"If they weren't allowed to do all or any of those things - assuming that's what she meant - then why weren't they?"
"'Cause they had a load of goddamn stupid rules probably. You had to dedicate your life to working for 'em - not want anything else."
"Maybe," Luke said consideringly. "But maybe it was for their protection."
"Against what?"
"Well... what did Vader and the Emperor use against me? Every approach was the same. My feelings for other people. Vader tortured you, then he used the threat of approaching Leia as a way to make me fight him. And Palpatine used my feelings for Vader, knowing I'd go to him in the end. And I was given a choice of watching you all die down below, or being able to save you all by turning."
Han bent down to pick up a lump of fallen masonry, then flung it away with more forcefulness than was strictly necessary.
"Okay, you cared about people - but you still didn't turn. So just caring about people ain't gonna turn you into another Vader. You've proved that."
"It's the fear though isn't it? That's the issue."
Han turned to him, pointing an almost accusing finger at Luke. "You're not afraid of anything. Not really."
Luke shook his head. "You're wrong. I'm afraid of hurting people I care about. And that's what I'm talking about. It's a weakness. And weaknesses get exploited."
"How can you say caring's a weakness?" Han snapped. "For one thing, it's because you cared that we've nearly won this godsforsaken war."
"I don't mean it's wrong or weak to care, but there are different ways of showing it. It's what Yoda was tying to make me see when he told me I shouldn't go to Cloud City. In his view, staying away proved I cared more, but Vader thought differently, and used people as a way to get to me."
"But who's gonna come along and do that to you now? Vader's dead. The Emperor's dead. "
"It's not others I'm worrying about. It's myself. I can do that to myself."
"No way!" Han said. "That ain't you, and you know it. And haven't we been through all this before?"
"I guess so. A million times," Luke conceded with a smile. "But it's like I said, about getting complacent. Maybe Anakin did that. Maybe I need to go and sort things out in my mind."
"Is that what you want? To go away and cut yourself off from everyone? What about that other stuff you said - about not keepin' it to yourself?"
"That's what I meant by being torn in several directions," Luke said. "Just now, I don't have any answers."
"Well I've got one. I think you should stay here."
There were a few moments of silence before Luke replied. "Why?"
"You're doing good things here, that's why. You can do your Jedi stuff as well."
Luke looked at Han thoughtfully, struck by the note of controlled vehemence in Han's voice.
"We're all in this together," Han continued. "Don't shut me out just 'cause you've got some weird idea you shouldn't have any friends."
"I'm not. If I thought leaving was the best answer, it wouldn't have anything to do with shutting people out. I'd only do it if it seemed the right thing to do."
"You wouldn't be doing me any favors though, 'cause if you left it'd be over some ass-brained idea of protecting us. And just so you know, I don't want that kinda protection."
"I'm only talking about a break. I'm not thinking of forever. It's just that it's hard to think when there's always so much to do. And I've done it before - when I went to Yoda."
"This is different. If you go off alone you'll talk yourself into all sorts of stupid stuff, and you won't come back. 'Sides, if you go, then I might as well go too. And I thought you wanted me to stick around - for the Alliance's sake," Han muttered.
Luke gave a bemused shake of his head. "I did. I do. But what difference does it make to your position if I leave? You have a life to lead here. There's Leia, and-"
"Makes no difference to my goddamn position. But I'm not talking about positions am I? It's inside - what it makes me feel in here." Han stabbed a finger furiously at his own chest.
"What - you think I'd be letting you down?"
"No, that's not it!" Han stalked across to the low wall, leaned over slightly and rested his hands on top of the uneven, crumbling surface. Pockets of moss grew in the gaps. Han picked at it, throwing the spongy green growth to the ground, the rigid set of his shoulders a clear sign of irritation.
Luke walked over to him, frowning slightly. "I'm sorry," he said. "Our friendship means a lot to me too. I didn't mean to make it sound like it doesn't."
"I'm tryin' to tell you something, but you're not listening properly."
"I'm listening now."
Han gave a heavy sigh and turned to face Luke. "The future... Leia... whatever you think I'm doin' with my life... It's all a mess. Ain't gonna work."
Luke said nothing, but continued to watch Han, confused by the way the conversation had turned. Since Endor, everything had seemed to be going Han's way for once, and he'd shown an increased contentment with his role in the Alliance, which Luke had partly attributed to Leia.
"She knew it before I did. I guess we both thought we'd work it out. The truth is, I really didn't wanna hurt her, but I've done it anyway."
"What's wrong?"
Han looked down at the ground, then back at Luke. "I'm sorry. We've split up. Leia's already moved over to the south wing."
Startled, Luke gave a small shake of his head. It was the last thing he'd expected Han to say, and for a brief moment he felt as though everything had tilted, throwing many of his notions of the future into disarray. And alongside the stab of concern for both Han and Leia came a disturbing realization. That he'd never quite acknowledged just how much he relied on the existence of that relationship for his own peace of mind. He shook his confusion aside, focusing on Han's agitation and already thinking ahead for ways to reassure his friend.
"Damn, I'm sorry Han. What happened?"
Han shrugged, his barely concealed grimace a sure sign that he'd probably said more than he'd intended to. Luke wondered if he'd planned to keep it from him, waiting until Luke learned the facts from Leia. They'd always been honest and upfront with each other about most things, but Han had the right to privacy, and Luke had no intention of pushing Han into explanations he might not want to give.
"You don't have to tell me anything," he said, reading into Han's hesitation a reluctance to say more.
Han scowled. "I'm tryin' to think of the best way to put this, okay? Just bear with me."
"Sure."
"Listen, I care a lot for Leia, and I think you know that. Whatever you're gonna think of me - and you're gonna be angry - I never planned it this way. If I could do anythin' about it I would, but I can't. So I'm sayin' it in advance."
"Saying what?"
"That I'm sorry."
"Well, you already said that," Luke replied, "but why are you saying it to me? Obviously I'm sorry you've fallen out, but why d'you think I'd be angry about it? I'm hardly likely to be. Anyway, maybe it's not as bad as you think. You've had arguments before. Don't you think you'll be able to sort this one out?"
"How d'you know you won't be angry with me? You don't even know the reasons for it. And no, we won't be able to sort this one out."
Han's stubborn denial led to faint stirrings of exasperation in Luke, because they seemed to be heading for one of Han's impossibly convoluted excuses for not listening to reason.
"Knowing you and Leia, nothing's ever that certain. And as for being angry, that's a bit difficult to manage when you haven't told me anything. It's fine, if you don't want to. But I'd like to help if I can, maybe talk to Leia, find out-"
Han interrupted with a short, humorless laugh. "Yeah, well, I don't think you can help. The point is, she's your sister, and I've messed her about haven't I?"
"Leia makes her own mind up about everything. I'm not gonna start casting blame because the two of you broke up - that's none of my business. If there's anything I can do, I'll do it. What do you mean by messed her about anyway? Because things haven't worked out?"
"There's someone else," Han said bluntly.
If his world had tilted before, it had only been a subtle shift compared to now. Everything seemed to turn upside down, and vulnerabilities Luke had worked hard to banish were suddenly too close to the surface. He was aware of Han standing there, waiting for his response, the expression on his face a mixture of annoyance and relief that he'd ended up saying what he'd said.
"You mean... you've found someone else? Or Leia has?" Luke asked eventually.
"If she had I wouldn't blame her. But it's not how it sounds. There just is someone."
Finding the right kind of words was still difficult, so Luke said the first thing that came into his mind. "You... love this person?"
Han gave a small shrug. "Yeah."
"Why?"
Han stared back at him. "Why? What kinda stupid question's that?"
"Sorry. It's just - you and Leia, you seemed so close. Like you'd always be together."
"We are close, but what's that got to do with anythin'?"
"I suppose-"
"It's got nothing to do with it," Han carried on, without waiting for Luke's reply. "You can be as close as you like to someone, but it ain't gonna work out if there's somethin' missing."
"Like what?"
Han gave another short laugh. "What's it gonna take to make you see it?" He resumed his attack on the moss, his eyes fixed firmly on the wall. A furious type of tension was emanating from him, and Luke had the sense that Han was one step away from exploding with it.
"An explanation maybe?"
Han spun back round and grabbed hold of Luke's wrist. He pulled him up close, ignoring the gasp of surprise that Luke couldn't stifle.
"Then I'll tell you like what," he growled. "Like when someone's in your head all the goddamn time and you can't get 'em outta there. Like every time you see someone, you can't think straight 'cause all you wanna do is touch them. Like when you fall asleep thinkin' of someone and you wake up wanting them."
"Han, just..." Luke tried to free his wrist from Han's grip, but Han refused to let go. Instead of releasing Luke, he simply tightened his grasp, hauling Luke right up against him. Han's eyes were fixed on Luke's face, and Luke knew how much of his incredulity must show there. In that same second, he also knew that Han had chosen to ignore it.
"Damnit...." Han's curse barely made it past his lips as he closed the final gap between them. The hand on Luke's wrist moved up, sliding around the back of Luke's neck with a pressure that brought their mouths together.
Beneath his disbelief, it felt to Luke like something deep inside was fighting to get free, urging him to forget everything in existence but the feel of Han's lips on his. He was conscious of Han's other hand brushing through his hair, and stroking down the side of his face. And then it was inside Luke's jacket, and reaching for Luke's hip...
But then something like a tremor seemed to run through Han, and all of a sudden reality came crashing back in a cold wave as Han released him, stepping away with consternation written all over his face.
"Hell. I'm... I'm sorry."
Luke found he couldn't move his eyes from Han's face, but somehow the words came easily. "It's okay."
"Ah, not you too," Han groaned. "What is it with everyone tellin' me everything's okay all the time? It's not okay! Okay?"
Luke managed a smile at that, but didn't speak.
"You should'a just punched me or something."
"Why would I want to do that?" Luke asked quietly.
"'Cause five seconds after I tell you your sister's thrown me out, I jump on top of you in a field. That'd be good enough reason for most people," Han muttered.
"It wasn't exactly like that."
Han exhaled loudly and pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. He looked acutely uncomfortable. "Listen Luke. I didn't mean for that to happen. I was gonna tell you things were rough between Leia 'n me. That's it. All the rest of it... I'm sorry."
"Will you stop apologizing for everything? I think we need to talk."
"Yeah."
"I... Look, I'm supposed to meet up with Wedge soon. Can you get away this evening, or are you seeing...?"
"No. Leia wants some time to herself," Han put in quickly. "I'll be finished by dusk. You wanna go up the hill?"
Luke frowned, hesitated. "Let's go somewhere different. Maybe into Jira? And we'll have to make it later." He glanced at his chrono. "I don't sign off for another six hours."
Han nodded, and Luke knew that he'd understood his hesitation. The grove up the hill was a sanctuary shared by all of them, and was as much Leia's as theirs. To maintain the nature of the place, they all had to feel they could use it whenever they wanted. It would've felt like a violation of its purpose to go there tonight, because if she'd known why they were there, Leia would've felt compelled to stay away.
chapter 6
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 5
The following afternoon, Luke was back at the disused warehouses. He'd spent the morning in Jira, discussing the proposed land clearance with Lando's contact. He'd had some success and Creggan was willing to help. He'd asked Luke for rough plans, so he could decide which of his machines would best suit the Alliance. Luke had offered to take the measurements, but was going to leave Lando in charge of organizing the rest of it. But despite the fact he'd been there for over an hour, he hadn't even opened the datapad he'd brought along for the task. Drawn to the emptiness of the place, he'd allowed his thoughts to take over, and, as they so often did, they took him back to Endor.
Ben had told him that Yoda would always be with him, but in reality, what had that meant? He'd expected guidance, but all he'd had was silence. That night in Endor, amidst the laughter and music, he'd exchanged his last look with those who'd played such a pivotal role in his life. They'd said nothing to him, but their smiles had implied something more valuable than words. And there'd been a tangible bond between the three of them, Obi-Wan, Yoda and his father. Reunited in the Force, secure in the strength of their combined joy over what had transpired.
But Luke had been on the outside, able to feel their pride and happiness, but unable to share in the memories that made their reunion so precious. Because Ben had told him virtually nothing. Only the bare facts - and then so few of those. He had so many questions, but now nobody was around to answer them.
Had Ben meant that Yoda would be with him only in his memories? That the training he'd instilled in Luke was his way of remaining permanently with him? He'd already learned the hard way that Ben's words could be interpreted in several ways, and not all of them were easy to understand. Ben and Yoda had picked him up, worked on all his anger and impatience until they took on new meanings, and given him the key to unlock a life hugely removed from anything that'd gone before. And now they'd left it entirely up to him to determine the way forward.
It felt to Luke like another bereavement. The shock of Ben's death, so soon after the murders of Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, had left him with a feeling of isolation which intensified the pain of loss. He'd flung himself straight into battle, the image of the smoking remains of his home, and the sight of his Aunt and Uncle's bodies, permanently imprinted in his head.
But then he'd discovered that Ben had never really left him. It put a new interpretation on death, confirmed by Yoda's dying words on Dagobah. Yoda had once told Luke that he needed to accept the fact of death, including the possibility of the deaths of his friends. It was another way of freeing himself from the ties of human emotion. But Luke had never achieved that so-called freedom, and wasn't even sure if he wished to. But he did realize that what he wanted to do, and what he ought to do, were most likely very different. Especially from Yoda's point of view.
And now Ben had left him again - and this time it felt like it could be permanent. He wondered if it might be a test, designed to prove that he'd conquered any misguided feelings of grief. If it was a test, he'd failed it on two counts. First, for feeling yet again the emptiness left by death, and secondly, for allowing himself to get angry over the whole business. Because sometimes it felt like Ben had played with his emotions, appearing and disappearing with no regard for how Luke might feel about it. He sighed inwardly, then purposefully switched on the datapad. Time to work.
The crunch of rubble underfoot made him look up almost immediately. The approaching person wasn't visible yet, but Luke knew who it was, and the knowledge lifted his spirits instantly.
He was already smiling when Han finally made it into the first warehouse.
"I'm never gonna be able to sneak up on you," Han complained.
"Why, d'you want to?" Luke asked, throwing him a grin. "It's not as though I'm ever doing anything interesting."
"What are you doing?"
"Making plans for Lando."
"Huh! I've got a few plans for him, but probably not what you meant."
"You've not fallen out again?" Luke asked, with mild exasperation.
"No more than usual. What plans anyway?" Han moved over to study Luke's datapad. "Doesn't look like you've done very much."
"No. I got distracted."
Han looked at him for a moment. "Don't tell me - you've been walkin' around thinking again. What was it this time?"
Luke gave an apologetic smile. "The future again. And Ben and Yoda. I wish I knew what it is they expect of me. I mean, should I be trying to reestablish some sort of Jedi council? Is that what they'd want me to do?"
"If they were here now, to ask, what d'you think they'd say?"
"They'd tell me to trust my feelings."
Han shrugged. "Seems fair enough to me."
"I'm glad it seems so simple to you."
"Hey - the way I look at it, nothing's simple with you," Han grinned. "But maybe it is that straightforward. If they really wanted you to do things a certain way, don't you think they'd be hangin' around harassing you about it?"
"Well, that's one way of looking at it I guess."
"So what are your feelings about it? Do you wanna set up some kinda council? Go searching for more Jedi - if there are any to find?"
Han's words were simple enough, and the subject matter one they'd broached several times before, but this time Luke sensed something more complex behind the questioning. A sort of confusion, and maybe sadness too. If that was the case, it found a reflection within himself, because effectively what they were discussing was change. A future that by definition could force them to go their separate ways. He chose his words carefully, delivering them with a casualness that offset the fundamental seriousness of it all. "I feel torn in several directions."
"Go on."
"Part of me thinks I've got a duty to do it. To try to set something up. I've been given this ability and maybe it's wrong to keep it to myself."
"You don't keep it to yourself," Han protested. "What kinda thinking's that? All you've done so far is work non-stop tryin' to help everywhere you can."
"I mean, should I be passing the training on to others? Keep it going?"
"There's Leia."
Luke nodded. "I know. But her future seems clearer than mine. She's carrying on doing what she's always done, but with this extra side to her life. And she's needed here."
"You're needed here."
"But there are others like me, who could take over the things I do for the Alliance."
Han shook his head. "You're wrong. There's no-one like you here." He moved away, ostensibly to examine the stability of a sagging door frame, but Luke could detect an underlying awkwardness, as though Han had said more than he should.
He walked over to join Han in the doorway. "I still feel committed to the Alliance and all we're trying to do. But there are other things to consider."
Han looked at him, his expression guarded. "I know that. But why can't you do both? I mean, does the Jedi thing have to be separate from everything else? Didn't they fight in wars too? In the stories I've heard they did."
"Yes, they did. Ben told me he fought in the Clone Wars with my father. But from what I've picked up, they were also independent. Not linked to any political factions."
"Neither are we. We're not a government - we're just tryin' to make sure people get the right to run their own lives. What you do towards that counts for a lot. It matters to people too - that you're here."
They wandered out of the building into a scrubby enclosure that once housed the camp's training circuits. Very little remained of these now, just the odd ditch from crawl-unders and a few durasteel posts that once held pulleys.
"So what are all these other directions you're torn in?" Han asked, resuming the thread of their conversation.
Luke sighed, because explaining it was difficult, especially as he wasn't even clear in his own mind. "The only two Jedi I've ever really known have been Ben and Yoda. They were both... alone."
Han looked at him sharply. "That wasn't part of being a Jedi - they were in hiding. And Ben was watching over you."
"But what if it is part of being a Jedi? What if it's necessary to be apart from others?"
"Why?"
"Because there's a danger in being close to people. Of all the things that Yoda taught me, one thing that really sticks out is that he always said I had to clear my mind. Only then would I know what was right and what was wrong. But a lot of what I've done has been instinctive. Going to Cloud City went against everything he'd told me I should do."
"There was a lot more at stake then. You just didn't know about it. But Yoda knew and he was trying to protect you, 'cause he didn't think you were ready. Least, that's how I read it."
"There's more to it than just Yoda's advice. I've been thinking a lot about it in the past few weeks." Luke adopted a more cautious tone. "Especially about my father."
"Well, it's easy to see why," Han muttered.
"About why he turned. The real reasons behind it."
Han kicked aside a jagged fragment of durasteel. "If you're still worried you're gonna end up like him, forget it. You ain't like him."
"How d'you know? How do any of us know? The only people who were in a position to judge that are Yoda and Ben. And Yoda told me I was like my father."
"Sure - but he was talking about little things, not the whole picture. And that was before your training. Before you knew the truth."
"He told me I had a lot of anger in me, like my father."
"That wasn't a bad thing for Ben and Yoda."
"Why d'you say that?"
"Obvious ain't it? You were angry when you left Tatooine. Heading for Alderaan and leaving behind your dead aunt and uncle. Pretty handy for Ben that you got to see first-hand what the Empire was really about."
"You're saying Ben used my anger?"
"You know he did. He encouraged it - even gettin' himself killed in front of you."
They picked their way carefully across the enclosure, wary of the ground's hidden irregularities and buried debris.
"When I found out the truth it felt like Ben had manipulated me. Tricked me almost," Luke admitted. "Even though I could see his reasons, I couldn't come to terms with it straight away. Perhaps that's what my problem is - I always have to argue the case. Can't just accept things as being right. I've never really become the calm, passive person Yoda told me I should be."
"Hey - passivity let the Empire take over in the first place. You make your own mind up about what you think's right and that seems like a good thing to me. And maybe I don't know much about all the weird stuff, but I've done a lot of thinking too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really," Han said. "And I don't mean worrying that you're gonna turn into another Vader."
"So what have you been thinking about?"
"About how to stop you worrying about it. The way I see it, it doesn't come down to whether or not you're angry or frightened, or whatever. It comes down to whether or not you accept those feelings and deal with 'em. It's a choice you make. I mean, take you and Vader."
"Okay..."
"You were both trained in pretty much the same things I'd guess, although Vader's might've been more formal."
"And for a longer time," Luke added.
"Right. That makes what I'm gonna say even more important. The main thing is Vader would've known, just like you do, that there are two different sides and if you make the wrong choice, you're gonna be in trouble. We don't know what happened to him, but he ended up makin' that wrong choice. But you didn't. You decided you'd rather die than end up the same as Vader."
"Because the evidence of what I'd become if I did was right there in front of me. Maybe Vader didn't have that - maybe the choice wasn't so clear-cut."
"And maybe he chose that side because he wanted to."
"I don't think so. He'd been taken in by the Emperor - I'm sure of it. It was the words Palpatine used. He told me Vader was 'his'. Like a possession. He owned him and controlled him. The good part was so deeply buried he'd lost sight of it completely."
"Until you brought it back."
Luke studied Han for a few moments, recalling the shock of realization that had swept through him as he'd stood over the defeated Vader. Part thrill, and part dread. A paradox, both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. He tried to put it into words, knowing none would ever be adequate.
"It was frightening - that power. Even though it was there for just a few moments I could feel its strength. It was like a drug. There was an unstoppable force at my fingertips, right there for the taking if I wanted it. It's easy to understand how it could take over."
"The point is, it didn't take you over," Han argued. "You felt it, but your instincts against it were stronger, and that's what I'm talkin' about. That anger, fear, whatever - you controlled it 'cause you're stronger than Vader was."
"Maybe Vader thought he was strong once. Maybe he'd been in a similar situation and fought free of it before. Perhaps he let his defenses down too much. I don't want to get complacent about it."
"Huh," Han grunted. "That's one thing you'll never be. 'Sides, you told me it was all about takin' a quick and easy path to get what you want. So there you have it."
Luke shook his head, puzzled. "What're you talking about?"
"Say there are two ways of doing something, and you gotta choose one. The first's easy - you just go 'n do it. The other way, you gotta sit down and think about it, turn it over in your mind, pull it apart to see all sides to it, lose days of sleep over it, and think of all the consequences it might have for everyone else, and then maybe you'll make a choice."
"Are you trying to tell me I can't make decisions?" Luke grinned.
"Prevarication's my middle name," Han said, "but you got it down to a fine art."
Luke laughed. Most of the time, it was the opposite of the truth, and they both knew it. Luke's whole life, from agreeing to take Ben to Anchorhead up to the present moment, had been a constant series of what Yoda would've termed 'reckless' decisions. But in other respects Han was right. When it came to decisions that affected Luke on a more personal level, his approach was entirely different, consumed as it was by worry over the hypothetical repercussions for everyone else.
"Remember when we went to see Mon Mothma?" Luke asked, after a short pause. "To tell her about Vader?"
Han nodded.
"Well she knows something more about the past."
"Yeah, I thought the same thing."
"I need to know as much as I can. I want to know what happened."
"She's not gonna know that - she was shocked 'cause she remembered Anakin as a Jedi. She didn't know he'd ended up as Vader, so she's not gonna be able to tell you what made him turn. Probably nobody can."
"I know - I don't mean about that. But discovering Vader's identity wasn't the only thing she was shocked about."
"What d'you mean?"
"She was surprised because it shouldn't have happened. D'you remember what she said? 'The Jedi weren't allowed to...' "
"Yeah, but weren't allowed to do what? Fall in love? Have sex? Have kids?"
"If they weren't allowed to do all or any of those things - assuming that's what she meant - then why weren't they?"
"'Cause they had a load of goddamn stupid rules probably. You had to dedicate your life to working for 'em - not want anything else."
"Maybe," Luke said consideringly. "But maybe it was for their protection."
"Against what?"
"Well... what did Vader and the Emperor use against me? Every approach was the same. My feelings for other people. Vader tortured you, then he used the threat of approaching Leia as a way to make me fight him. And Palpatine used my feelings for Vader, knowing I'd go to him in the end. And I was given a choice of watching you all die down below, or being able to save you all by turning."
Han bent down to pick up a lump of fallen masonry, then flung it away with more forcefulness than was strictly necessary.
"Okay, you cared about people - but you still didn't turn. So just caring about people ain't gonna turn you into another Vader. You've proved that."
"It's the fear though isn't it? That's the issue."
Han turned to him, pointing an almost accusing finger at Luke. "You're not afraid of anything. Not really."
Luke shook his head. "You're wrong. I'm afraid of hurting people I care about. And that's what I'm talking about. It's a weakness. And weaknesses get exploited."
"How can you say caring's a weakness?" Han snapped. "For one thing, it's because you cared that we've nearly won this godsforsaken war."
"I don't mean it's wrong or weak to care, but there are different ways of showing it. It's what Yoda was tying to make me see when he told me I shouldn't go to Cloud City. In his view, staying away proved I cared more, but Vader thought differently, and used people as a way to get to me."
"But who's gonna come along and do that to you now? Vader's dead. The Emperor's dead. "
"It's not others I'm worrying about. It's myself. I can do that to myself."
"No way!" Han said. "That ain't you, and you know it. And haven't we been through all this before?"
"I guess so. A million times," Luke conceded with a smile. "But it's like I said, about getting complacent. Maybe Anakin did that. Maybe I need to go and sort things out in my mind."
"Is that what you want? To go away and cut yourself off from everyone? What about that other stuff you said - about not keepin' it to yourself?"
"That's what I meant by being torn in several directions," Luke said. "Just now, I don't have any answers."
"Well I've got one. I think you should stay here."
There were a few moments of silence before Luke replied. "Why?"
"You're doing good things here, that's why. You can do your Jedi stuff as well."
Luke looked at Han thoughtfully, struck by the note of controlled vehemence in Han's voice.
"We're all in this together," Han continued. "Don't shut me out just 'cause you've got some weird idea you shouldn't have any friends."
"I'm not. If I thought leaving was the best answer, it wouldn't have anything to do with shutting people out. I'd only do it if it seemed the right thing to do."
"You wouldn't be doing me any favors though, 'cause if you left it'd be over some ass-brained idea of protecting us. And just so you know, I don't want that kinda protection."
"I'm only talking about a break. I'm not thinking of forever. It's just that it's hard to think when there's always so much to do. And I've done it before - when I went to Yoda."
"This is different. If you go off alone you'll talk yourself into all sorts of stupid stuff, and you won't come back. 'Sides, if you go, then I might as well go too. And I thought you wanted me to stick around - for the Alliance's sake," Han muttered.
Luke gave a bemused shake of his head. "I did. I do. But what difference does it make to your position if I leave? You have a life to lead here. There's Leia, and-"
"Makes no difference to my goddamn position. But I'm not talking about positions am I? It's inside - what it makes me feel in here." Han stabbed a finger furiously at his own chest.
"What - you think I'd be letting you down?"
"No, that's not it!" Han stalked across to the low wall, leaned over slightly and rested his hands on top of the uneven, crumbling surface. Pockets of moss grew in the gaps. Han picked at it, throwing the spongy green growth to the ground, the rigid set of his shoulders a clear sign of irritation.
Luke walked over to him, frowning slightly. "I'm sorry," he said. "Our friendship means a lot to me too. I didn't mean to make it sound like it doesn't."
"I'm tryin' to tell you something, but you're not listening properly."
"I'm listening now."
Han gave a heavy sigh and turned to face Luke. "The future... Leia... whatever you think I'm doin' with my life... It's all a mess. Ain't gonna work."
Luke said nothing, but continued to watch Han, confused by the way the conversation had turned. Since Endor, everything had seemed to be going Han's way for once, and he'd shown an increased contentment with his role in the Alliance, which Luke had partly attributed to Leia.
"She knew it before I did. I guess we both thought we'd work it out. The truth is, I really didn't wanna hurt her, but I've done it anyway."
"What's wrong?"
Han looked down at the ground, then back at Luke. "I'm sorry. We've split up. Leia's already moved over to the south wing."
Startled, Luke gave a small shake of his head. It was the last thing he'd expected Han to say, and for a brief moment he felt as though everything had tilted, throwing many of his notions of the future into disarray. And alongside the stab of concern for both Han and Leia came a disturbing realization. That he'd never quite acknowledged just how much he relied on the existence of that relationship for his own peace of mind. He shook his confusion aside, focusing on Han's agitation and already thinking ahead for ways to reassure his friend.
"Damn, I'm sorry Han. What happened?"
Han shrugged, his barely concealed grimace a sure sign that he'd probably said more than he'd intended to. Luke wondered if he'd planned to keep it from him, waiting until Luke learned the facts from Leia. They'd always been honest and upfront with each other about most things, but Han had the right to privacy, and Luke had no intention of pushing Han into explanations he might not want to give.
"You don't have to tell me anything," he said, reading into Han's hesitation a reluctance to say more.
Han scowled. "I'm tryin' to think of the best way to put this, okay? Just bear with me."
"Sure."
"Listen, I care a lot for Leia, and I think you know that. Whatever you're gonna think of me - and you're gonna be angry - I never planned it this way. If I could do anythin' about it I would, but I can't. So I'm sayin' it in advance."
"Saying what?"
"That I'm sorry."
"Well, you already said that," Luke replied, "but why are you saying it to me? Obviously I'm sorry you've fallen out, but why d'you think I'd be angry about it? I'm hardly likely to be. Anyway, maybe it's not as bad as you think. You've had arguments before. Don't you think you'll be able to sort this one out?"
"How d'you know you won't be angry with me? You don't even know the reasons for it. And no, we won't be able to sort this one out."
Han's stubborn denial led to faint stirrings of exasperation in Luke, because they seemed to be heading for one of Han's impossibly convoluted excuses for not listening to reason.
"Knowing you and Leia, nothing's ever that certain. And as for being angry, that's a bit difficult to manage when you haven't told me anything. It's fine, if you don't want to. But I'd like to help if I can, maybe talk to Leia, find out-"
Han interrupted with a short, humorless laugh. "Yeah, well, I don't think you can help. The point is, she's your sister, and I've messed her about haven't I?"
"Leia makes her own mind up about everything. I'm not gonna start casting blame because the two of you broke up - that's none of my business. If there's anything I can do, I'll do it. What do you mean by messed her about anyway? Because things haven't worked out?"
"There's someone else," Han said bluntly.
If his world had tilted before, it had only been a subtle shift compared to now. Everything seemed to turn upside down, and vulnerabilities Luke had worked hard to banish were suddenly too close to the surface. He was aware of Han standing there, waiting for his response, the expression on his face a mixture of annoyance and relief that he'd ended up saying what he'd said.
"You mean... you've found someone else? Or Leia has?" Luke asked eventually.
"If she had I wouldn't blame her. But it's not how it sounds. There just is someone."
Finding the right kind of words was still difficult, so Luke said the first thing that came into his mind. "You... love this person?"
Han gave a small shrug. "Yeah."
"Why?"
Han stared back at him. "Why? What kinda stupid question's that?"
"Sorry. It's just - you and Leia, you seemed so close. Like you'd always be together."
"We are close, but what's that got to do with anythin'?"
"I suppose-"
"It's got nothing to do with it," Han carried on, without waiting for Luke's reply. "You can be as close as you like to someone, but it ain't gonna work out if there's somethin' missing."
"Like what?"
Han gave another short laugh. "What's it gonna take to make you see it?" He resumed his attack on the moss, his eyes fixed firmly on the wall. A furious type of tension was emanating from him, and Luke had the sense that Han was one step away from exploding with it.
"An explanation maybe?"
Han spun back round and grabbed hold of Luke's wrist. He pulled him up close, ignoring the gasp of surprise that Luke couldn't stifle.
"Then I'll tell you like what," he growled. "Like when someone's in your head all the goddamn time and you can't get 'em outta there. Like every time you see someone, you can't think straight 'cause all you wanna do is touch them. Like when you fall asleep thinkin' of someone and you wake up wanting them."
"Han, just..." Luke tried to free his wrist from Han's grip, but Han refused to let go. Instead of releasing Luke, he simply tightened his grasp, hauling Luke right up against him. Han's eyes were fixed on Luke's face, and Luke knew how much of his incredulity must show there. In that same second, he also knew that Han had chosen to ignore it.
"Damnit...." Han's curse barely made it past his lips as he closed the final gap between them. The hand on Luke's wrist moved up, sliding around the back of Luke's neck with a pressure that brought their mouths together.
Beneath his disbelief, it felt to Luke like something deep inside was fighting to get free, urging him to forget everything in existence but the feel of Han's lips on his. He was conscious of Han's other hand brushing through his hair, and stroking down the side of his face. And then it was inside Luke's jacket, and reaching for Luke's hip...
But then something like a tremor seemed to run through Han, and all of a sudden reality came crashing back in a cold wave as Han released him, stepping away with consternation written all over his face.
"Hell. I'm... I'm sorry."
Luke found he couldn't move his eyes from Han's face, but somehow the words came easily. "It's okay."
"Ah, not you too," Han groaned. "What is it with everyone tellin' me everything's okay all the time? It's not okay! Okay?"
Luke managed a smile at that, but didn't speak.
"You should'a just punched me or something."
"Why would I want to do that?" Luke asked quietly.
"'Cause five seconds after I tell you your sister's thrown me out, I jump on top of you in a field. That'd be good enough reason for most people," Han muttered.
"It wasn't exactly like that."
Han exhaled loudly and pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. He looked acutely uncomfortable. "Listen Luke. I didn't mean for that to happen. I was gonna tell you things were rough between Leia 'n me. That's it. All the rest of it... I'm sorry."
"Will you stop apologizing for everything? I think we need to talk."
"Yeah."
"I... Look, I'm supposed to meet up with Wedge soon. Can you get away this evening, or are you seeing...?"
"No. Leia wants some time to herself," Han put in quickly. "I'll be finished by dusk. You wanna go up the hill?"
Luke frowned, hesitated. "Let's go somewhere different. Maybe into Jira? And we'll have to make it later." He glanced at his chrono. "I don't sign off for another six hours."
Han nodded, and Luke knew that he'd understood his hesitation. The grove up the hill was a sanctuary shared by all of them, and was as much Leia's as theirs. To maintain the nature of the place, they all had to feel they could use it whenever they wanted. It would've felt like a violation of its purpose to go there tonight, because if she'd known why they were there, Leia would've felt compelled to stay away.
chapter 6